Fox News Update:
Secretary of state of Donald Rumsfeld today announced that the Department of Defense had come up with a solution for their controversial stop loss retention of soldiers in Iraq. The secretary announced that large numbers of GIs would soon be rotating home secondary to the spectacular success of the deployment of BDP's. Press releases from the Department credited a significant reduction in casualties to this innovative new strategy.
"After extensive research, our planners took a page from the history book of World War II in Britain leading up to the D-Day invasion," Mr. Rumsfeld stated. “The allies were able to fool the Germans completely in regards to strength and location of forces through the use of inflatable decoys. We brought this idea forward, reaching out to a ready, freedom loving, and supportive American people and they frankly rose to the occasion."
Secretary Rumsfeld then went on to describe the concerted effort by the DOD to "recruit" from American families after Christmas the popular and ubiquitous air blown lawn decorations which have dotted the holiday landscape. He states that the soldiers in country were the first to delightfully refer to them as BDP's, or "blow dryer personnel". “We’ve posted them throughout Iraq,” Secretary Rumsfeld said, “They distract and they provide cover for the boots on the ground. We have plans to utilize them in high exposure situations and work with the UN contentions guarding poling places in the upcoming elections.”
Rumsfeld stated, "What we face, here in Iraq, is a cunning yet not terribly sophisticated enemy. He is also a cowardly lot, often easily intimidated by an eight to ten foot show of force. Can these guys, these, BDP's take a licking? Absolutely they can. There are reports of some of these guys taking upwards of ten hits from assault weapon fire before going down. And they’re tough. Within 15 minutes after a firefight, they're right back up thanks to another war effort contribution from the Department of Homeland security. Tom Ridge, a great and insightful man by the way, graciously forwarded to Iraq 300,000 rolls of duct tape before stepping down from his position."
When questioned further about casualties, Rumsfeld remarked, "We have had some initial difficulties with voltage mismatches and the like, but they appear to be smoothing out. Will we have casualties? Of course. This is a war, but the losses have been deemed acceptable. We also have had some stirring accounts of heroism upon the part of these BDP's. Just the other day, somewhere to the east, north, west, or south of Tikrit, we had an incident where a "Sponge Bob" was responsible for saving an entire platoon by sacrificing himself to a car bomber. He was, tragically and regrettably, destroyed in the attack, but we were able to find his motor and a couple of fan blades afterwards. These were respectfully returned to his loving family along with a handwritten note of condolence."
Rumsfeld appeared to bristle slightly when asked a question in regards to the little-known controversy of deployment of BDP's without flame retardant treatment. He turned his head to the side of the podium and appeared to mutter something to the effect of, "Here we (expletive deleted) go again..."
A high-ranking general, wishing to remain off the record, answered further questions after the presentation was completed. He was quoted as saying, "That the BDP's are important, I think there can be no doubt. They really are excellent ambassadors to the people and especially the children of Iraq. An added bonus is that because of this, they really bug hell out of the insurgents." He further smiled and said, "It's been a blessing to the morale of the troops on the ground too. Just about every day, you'll see smiles, and you'll hear comments like, "This is a real Mickey Mouse outfit", or "Santa Claus is coming to town", or just "stay Frosty". The general concluded his remarks by saying, "with any luck we'll all be home for Christmas this year."