02/10/05  US Moves to DEF CON 3

Washington Thursday, February 10, 2005 (Rotters) - America silently went to Def Con Three today, and a squadron of nuclear stealth bombers was scrambled from Edwards Air Force base in California. No comments were forthcoming from the White House, except to state that the Administration was looking into the apparent “False Alarm”.

Simultaneously, the price of oil rose abruptly to over $150 per barrel before settling back after approximately one hour to the market-opening price. It was felt by many that this may have been related to a slew of terrorist threat tips received in rapid succession in ten major cities in the US ranging from Los Angeles to New York City. The threats were varied and included a nuclear weapon in Los Angeles, a sniper alert in Chicago, and threats of aerosolized anthrax in New York City. Each, in turn, was investigated by local authorities throughout the day, and found to be false.  Spokespersons from each activated terror response team had no comment, other than to state that they had received credible information from the FBI.

In a seemingly related event George Bush in Raleigh, NC today abruptly stopped his “town hall style” meeting and was rushed from the building and into his limousine. Condoleezza Rice, half a world away in India was awakened and taken to a waiting plane.

The Washington Press Corps is abuzz as to the speculations behind this massive activation.

Rotters has learned that a tourist here in Washington DC, may have an answer. In an exclusive interview, James Gannon of Guckert, Pennsylvania, stated, “The family and I came to DC to see a few sites this week. This morning we were touring the Department of Homeland Security, because, well, the kids wanted to see it. We were in the briefing room looking at the color bar thing, when in walks, would you believe it, that new guy Michael Chertoff !  He’s a really nice guy, and he proceeds to explain to the kids all about the color codes for terrorism and all. He’s talking about how it’s all sort of new to him, and he’s learning too. Then he reaches up to the color-bar thing, and he slides this arrow from Orange down to Green. Boy! You wouldn’t believe what happened then! The lights start flashing off and on, these horns and buzzers go off…I damn near peed my pants… Then about ten guys in black suits and sunglasses come running in and surround Mr. Chertoff and me and my family. Then, would you believe it, in walks Karl Rove! I’ve seen a picture of him before, so I guess it was him.  Then he, Mr. Rove, walks over and grabs Mr.Chertoff by the ear and starts dragging him out of the room with the men in black following. And I hear him, Mr Rove, say when they’re leaving…Don’t touch things that you don’t know anything about yet…”