06/22/05 Bush Reveals Social Security/Iraq War Final Solution
6/21/05 Washington (UPSI) Bush Administration officials yesterday fanned out from the White House with their stated goal of a six month, 180 city tour to promote their new combined solution for fixing social security and sustaining the war effort in Iraq. “We elected to hit the campaign trail for this before the slated June 28 launch”, Scott McClellan stated, “in order that critics who attempt to politicize and present things in a negative way not be allowed to prevail on this important issue. America needs to know that this administration means business”
President Bush appeared today in his hometown of Crawford Texas to roaring applause from a decidedly partisan crowd. “I have been tolerant of other opinions in regards to Social Security and promoting democracy in Iraq… but there comes a time when you have to either cut hay or bale fish,” Mr. Bush stated. “I tried to include all plates at the table of Social Security Reform, but a few rotten eggs ruined the salad days for everybody. These same dark forces now seek to shut down our prisons abroad, providing aid and comfort to our terrorist enemies, and would starve and evictorate our brave men and women fighting democracy in Iraq. Well, I say to these sad excuses for Americans, for shame, it’s time to either put out or shut up.”
Bush went on to reveal a plan to be introduced in congress next week which would require one year of service in the military before any benefits could be collected from any retirement plan, either social security or private 401K.
Bush speaking in Crawford, Texas
“For those of you who have signed loyalty oaths to the presidency and to our country in the past,” Bush went on, “you are on record, and the nation thanks you for your service. We will need your expert leadership in the tough years ahead at home. You will receive your retirement with the gratitude of your nation. Heh, heh… to you, my base, I say, Mansion Accomplished! For everybody else… well, it’s time you earned your keep in this great country, and I will lead by example. Some of you may have already heard that I will be voluntarily shipping out to Vietnam next year in service of America, and I am proud to do so.”
Cheney speaking in Casper, Wyoming
In a related presentation in Casper Wyoming to a hometown crowd, Vice President Cheney discussed more of the fiscal details of the Social Security/Iraq War Bailout plan which he referred to as “Operation Dumbo Draft”. “Everybody has seen the popular graph with baby boomers represented by a swallowing python in regards to the percent of the population who will be retiring and draining benefits in the years to come,” stated Cheney. “What we propose is a very real way to slim down that bulge, or even lop off that python’s head completely; while at the same time serving the cause of democracy. While others talk of raising the retirement age to 67, our proposal may very well offer a chance to loyal Americans to lower the age to 55. All people, young and old, can experience the joy and patriotism of serving America and facing down a last ditch insurgency. I, myself, look forward to again holding down the fort at home as the President serves in Vietnam.”
Donald Rumsfeld speaking at the Pentagon
Donald Rumsfeld, while speaking at an arms manufacturer’s conference at the Pentagon also touched upon the plan. He said, “Our developers and researchers have been hard at work on the logistics of Operation Dumbo Draft. Our goal is to make sure that every American has a chance to earn retirement benefits, no matter his or her age. To this end, we are proud to unveil the “Red September-Mark 66”, a flexible, mobile, battle ready, off road exo-skeletal vehicle, designed for suppression through superior firepower, with the geriatric or disabled soldier in mind. We will be accepting bids for construction of 100,000 of these technological marvels starting tomorrow. Heh, heh… and yes, before you ask, this is just a prototype and the real Mark 66 will be fully armored…”
"Red September", or the Mark 66
Efforts were made to contact Democratic Representative Harry Reid for comment. He was not available but staff stated that Mr. Reid was both “shocked and awed”.