06/30/05 The Troubles with Dubulya
"Incoming massage for you
Captain Quirk, it's the Gannon ambassador..."
"Thank you Lieutenant Coiffura, beam him aboard and I'll take him in my quarters..."
"Are you sure that's wise, Captain, without any protection... I'd be glad to accompany you..."
"No, that won't be necessary, we'll be able to ménage without you... carry on."
"What is it that you have there, Coiffura?"
"Oh, hi, Jerkoff... I'm not really sure, I just got this one from the Gannon ambassador, he brought a couple for the Captain... I think he called them Troubles. I think they're kind of disgusting... they're all warm and fuzzy, and all they do is make this sound like a dove or something... and they don't even have any teeth! What good are they?"
"Well, would you mind if I had that one, Coiffura..."
"Sure, I guess it would be OK, Jerkoff... Oh, and um... by the way, that's your leg that your hand is resting on..."
"Gonzo, I need some answers and I need them fast... these Troubles are taking over our enterprise..."
"Dammit, Dub! I'm a lawyer, not a doctor! Restraining orders just don't work with these things... these Troubles multiply like rabbits! As near as I can tell these things are like the perfect Republicans... they're born ready to have sex and reproduce. I hate to say it, Dub, but I even looked into re-examining our stance on abortion..."
"Oh, no... Gonzo, no... surely there's got to be another way... keep trying!"
"Mr. Spook, you're my Pseudo-Science officer, I need some answers, Mr.! Have these Troubles compromised our mission to Afghanistan 2? The RedderNation is depending on us."
"The Neo-logical answer, Captain, is that it is too early to tell, and you know about the futility of time-tables. However, I calculate that by diverting all funding from the shields, the enterprise might be just able to complete the mission to Afghanistan 2..."
"No shields, Spook? Are you certain?"
"Yes, Captain, that would be the Neo-logical thing to do... the needs of the many should never outweigh the wealth of the few..."
"Gentlemen, I take a sip of what I was expecting to be my Double Mocha, Double Cappuccino, Latte with whipped cream and a twist, and I get a mouthful of this! I think that we can safely say that the Troubles are out of control now. Mr. Spook says that the enterprise is now down to operating at 42% efficiency. Get me Scottie! You have your orders... dismissed! Oh... and can someone please find out what the f___ I drank...?"
"Captain, it's worse than I thought! The Troubles are into everything! I've spun the whole enterprise 360 degrees from top to bottom, and we just can't loose 'em. Just when ya think ya got em all accounted for, they crop right back up, almost from out of nowhere.... I can't put ma finger on what they're living off of... I've increased the mercury in alla the food stores, and that shoulda got rid of em..."
"Oh my God! Scottie... please tell me that you checked the smugglers holds... the POPPY SEEDS! The poppy seeds for Afghanistan 2..."
"My God! Spook, Spook... is it all gone? "
"I calculate 99.99% of the seeds have been consumed by Troubles. That would be enough for..."
"My God... 500 billion plants... gone... the economy of Afghanistan 2 is ruined..."
"But, but Dub..."
"What is it, Gonzo..."
"My readings indicated that all of the Troubles are still alive! They should all be either dead and overdosed, or just stoned out of their minds... but they're not, they're just full... and resting..."
"Yes, Dub... The poppy seeds were not biologically active...
"What kind of a sick f___ would sell the RedderNation inactivated poppy seeds?"
"Yeah, I used to have a pretty sweet gig as the Gannon ambassador, and I was a consultant for the enterprise. Now I hear they've hired a new consultant. I don't know squat about plants... how was I to know that there are different kinds of poppies... yeah, well... f___ em! How about another round of that Indian Firewater, Mr. Frist... You know, have you ever thought about running for elected office... I could make it work for you... you've got the face, the looks... all you need are a few Troubles... have you heard of Troubles? Troubles build character and make you look good in the public eye...
Captain's blog, start date 01/01/00: These are the pillages of the ship-of-state enterprise... it's eight year mission, to beat the life out of old and new civilizations, to boldly crow that no man could not want more...