12/24/04 "Little Ronnie"
Perhaps you have just heard about "Little Nicky" the $50,000 cloned cat. When one considers the resurrection of a love and joy once thought lost forever by the owner, perhaps $50,000 is but a small price to pay. But… what do you imagine that you might get for a minimum $2 million?
Always maintaining our position as an industrial leader, RoveCo International is proud to state that we are once again ahead of the curve! In conjunction with the genetic researchers at RepubliGen, another subsidiary of Helluvaburden, RoveCo International would like to introduce you to Wilson. Wilson is the culmination of almost 20 years of intensive, cutting edge genetic research, and we have six of him ranging in ages from three to five, and all looking for a good home!
Wilson, or "Gip", as we have lovingly nicknamed him, as shown here in a portfolio photograph, is the oldest version. Wilson is quite intelligent, athletic, and very talented, most especially showing a real knack for acting. He is also quite a strong swimmer, and even at age 5 has enough skills to possibly become a lifeguard! He loves Jelly Beans, has a very pleasant disposition, has shown a real aptitude for Bible studies, and loves attending church. For the incredibly low price of a minimum $2 million investment, Wilson could conceivably become yours.
"Inconceivable! How can you do this?" you might ask. Well...yes... but how could we not! You are probably wondering just how many fetuses were destroyed along the way to this dramatic breakthrough. Rest assured our stem cell lines arise from mere adipose tissue. This tissue was culled from bullet fragments extracted during a life-saving procedure from a truly horrific gunshot incident over 20 years ago. In actuality, no fetuses have been harmed in the production of Wilson (during the refinement process, however, roughly 30,000 blastocysts were destroyed, but they would not have lived anyway.)
The researchers at RepubliGen adhere to strict faith-based scientific principles. We create the laws of science while others ponder ethics. At this pace, we could create the world in five days and rest and worship on both Saturday and Sunday! Our patented processes should in no way be confused or misrepresented as “cloning”.
We estimate the leadership potential of this child, placed in the right hands, as potentially unlimited! For a minimum $2 million investment, you could conceivably become the proud parents of a president of the United States someday. In a nod towards RoveCo's continued dedication towards compassionate conservatism and fair play we will be willing to reduce the minimum investment of $2 million to $1.5 million should you happen to be a family headed by an abusive alcoholic father who is a Democrat. At the very least, Gip’s budding career as a child actor may recoup your investment in short order!
If you’ll step up and place a bid now, we’ll also throw in an instructional video and documentary of the history of our ground breaking process. Click the link that follows to receive a short descriptive synopsis of the video, as well as what it would cost to purchase outside of this offer:
We fully realize the controversy of this offer of both patriotic and individual bliss, and we guarantee that we will be a partner with you throughout Wilson’s lifespan. RepubliGen’s engineers have gone through his genetic makeup with a fine-toothed comb and stand firmly confident that they have eliminated possibilities for chronic diseases in later life, such as Alzheimer’s. (There is a slight risk of Progeria and early death as a result of centromere destabilization due to the manufacturing process, but this is easily managed with daily doses of ReGeritol tm [Bush Pharmaceuticals])
As well, we will be happy to provide cover stories, or help defray moving expenses as needed. College scholarships for Wilson to fine institutions such as Bob Jones University, or Liberty University come with the deal. Or, if you prefer, we will help him retrace the steps of “The Great Communicator” by attending Eureka College, in Eureka, Illinois. The bottom line is that we are committed to a lifetime of collaboration with you and Wilson.
If this prospect interests you, please call our toll-free lines in Bangladesh. If you believe passionately in this cause but the minimum of $2 million is too steep for you, call anyway. If you have a Political Capital Card at the Pioneer level, we just may be able to work a deal to make Gip your son! Have we gone “Bonzo”? Only time and history will truly tell!
Political Capital Card… the card that cares for you!