12/31/04 The Redacto Pen
Are you sick and tired of always being at the mercy of a shredder? Do you often find yourself stretching the bounds of plausible deniability? Have you had enough of those frivolous and sick “Freedom of Information” filings? Well, RoveCo International feels your pain, and we have just the answer for you.
Introducing the Redacto Gel pen, the last word in security! You’ll be able to express yourself freely and openly to those who matter without fear of future accountability! Through our patented molecular process, anything you designate as incriminating is automatically redacted within 36 hours, with no one outside the loop being the wiser! Our patented chemical process also bonds with and tightens the very fibers of the paper so that the indentations of your handwriting disappear like magic. It’s just as if your thoughts and intentions were never documented or distributed in the first place!
This is the actual process in action in this time lapsed movie:
The next time that you’re in a sensitive meeting discussing “actionable” strategies why not make your memos useless in a future legal proceeding. Just press the button on the side of the pen while writing a sensitive passage, and presto! That passage is only viewable for 36 hours by your trusted few. Let’s say someone disloyal wants to photocopy a memo written with the Redacto Gel Pen before the 36 hour period is up… the intensity and frequency of the light from the photocopy process, or for that matter flash photography instantly hastens and completes the patented redaction process. They get Bupkiss!
Just listen to these comments from our satisfied customers:
“Wow! If I had only had a Redacto a couple of years ago, I could have testified to Congress, “I believe the briefing in question was entitled, ‘Bin Laden Determined…’” C R of Washington, DC
“Thanks again for your promotional shipment of Redacto Gel Pens! They proved invaluable in this year’s election here in Ohio. We found them quite useful in dealing with very evil people who insisted on voting provisionally after they were challenged. We were able to successfully throw out hundreds of thousands of these illegitimate votes and registrations because of illegible signatures. I’m pleased to report that the pens also function well on regular paper as well as the “card stock” that I initially thought was needed! I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of forwarding one of your shipments to a friend in Florida, and she seems pretty happy with the results as well! Redacto, you’re an election saver!” K B of Columbus, Ohio
“What a great Gag gift! Ha, Ha! Pun intended! I can write anything I want! ____ You! Go ____ Yourself! ____Me! ____ you and the horse you rode in on! This is _______ hilarious!” D C of Casper, Wyoming
We at RoveCo and our parent company Helluvaburden are committed to security and the promotion of free enterprise. How can we provide this technology to you? Frankly, this is yesterday’s news… old technology, and we’re moving forward!
We understand that most business and communication is done electronically, and this is the direction in which our researchers are headed. In the near future, look for the unveiling of Lizard Secretly Speaking, both the corporate and individual versions. With this program, you’ll be able to dictate with redactions on the fly. Your “eyes only” redactions will be protected by our patented “gigabit encryption”. Lizard Secretly Speaking is able to recognize and anticipate potentially damaging material through a patented combination of voice stress and conjunction placement and frequency analysis. It’ll be just as if you never actually said it in the first place!
But wait! Here’s another testimonial from a satisfied customer who’s found a whole new and creative use for the Redacto Gel Pen:
“I often have to sit through long and boring meetings and I stay awake by drawing pictures of my little Scottie dog, ‘cause I don’t like to read or write a lot. Anyways, I was sitting in a meeting the other day, kind of drawing on the back of my hand with one of your pens and it felt kind of funny and tingly. A few days later, after the ink had worn off, I noticed the wrinkles on the back of my hand had gone away! I went to the mirror and decided to see if it might work on some other wrinkles. Here’s some pictures that I took before and after. “
“Boy, my wife almost didn’t recognize me! I looked like I did thirty years ago when I was a hotshot fighter-jock over in the ‘Nam… and that’s no exaggeration! I gotta get one of these for my pals Dick and Don! Bring on the Grecian Formula… Yeehah!” G B of Crawford, Texas
Yes! The Redacto Gel Pen’s patented cyanoacrylate reaction has been shown to be effective in tightening collagen fibers! (We cannot, however, endorse this use of our product in this manner secondary to possible long term deleterious effects. The solvents involved in our process have had demonstrated CNS side effects, including memory loss, diminished motor coordination, and, over prolonged exposure, delusions of grandeur.)
How much would you be willing to pay for this much security, fun, and piece of mind? How about $49.95 for the Redacto Gel Pen and three refills? The pen could pay for itself in just three pizza deliveries! Call now! Our toll-free operators are standing by in Bangladesh! Visa, Master-Card, and Political Capital Card accepted, no checks please… for obvious reasons! Coming soon from Helluvaburden (Giving Business the Freedom to give Freedom the Business!), Redacto ink-jet cartridges for your printer.
Political Capital Card… The card that cares, so that you don’t have to!