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03/30/08 Obama Supports Continued Clinton Campaign Despite Bankruptcy
Johnstown, PA (Rotters) - An emotional New York Senator Hillary Clinton today announced in Pennsylvania that she was looking into foreclosure on her own campaign in order to recover the loss of the $5 million that she had previously lent to herself. Over the past month, donations have dried up as the public appears to have tired of her campaign's tactics. As many pundits and superdelegates have begun to call for her withdrawal from the race for the Democratic nomination, her competitor, Illinois Senator Barack Obama, again stated his support today for her remaining in the competition if she chooses to do so.
In a controversial move, Senator Obama announced that after extensive talks
with the Clinton campaign, his campaign would begin offering limited
financial assistance as well as strategical assistance and advice to the
Clinton campaign. The financial assistance would come as a restructuring of
the loan that Senator Clinton made to her campaign in order that she would
be reimbursed, and the monies redistributed towards the furthering of the
candidacies of other progressives in the coming fall elections, a cause for
which Senator Obama has been adamant and extensively supportive financially.
"We were actually informed of the Clinton campaign's difficulties by Senator Clinton in a 3 a.m. phone call this past Saturday. As for Senator Obama's resultant proposal, it's just the right thing to do", stated an Obama spokesperson, "and yes, he really is that nice of a guy. We'll be helping them out with some cost-saving hints which have worked well for us, including the recycling of banners, posters, and literature during campaign events."
The Obama campaign scoffed at the notion that their actions might in some way benefit the presumptive Republican nominee Arizona Senator John McCain. "If anything, this further illustrates the insignificance of anything that the Republican Party now has to offer to America through seven years of failed policy and incompetence," stated the Obama spokesperson. "They will simply have to wait and take a backseat with the press and watch as the Democratic Party takes the time to get things done right."
The Clinton campaign vowed that it would be back to business as usual come Monday. "While we applaud this fine and decent gesture from Senator Obama, nothing appears to have changed in regards to the overall intolerance and mudslinging that we have seen from some of his supporters," stated chief Clinton campaign strategist Mark Penn. "In light of the financial decisions that have been made by our campaign, one would also have to call into question Senator Obama's common sense and financial judgment in arriving at his bailout offer."
03/26/08 Clinton Campaign Announces Endorsement from Tonya Harding
Portland, OR (APE) - A day after an anonymous Democratic Party Official announced that Hillary Clinton was pursuing a "Tonya Harding" strategy for the party nomination, the Clinton campaign announced that Ms. Harding had stepped forward to offer her endorsement of Senator Clinton. The disgraced onetime Olympic figure skater and current professional women's boxer made the announcement from her small mobile home in rural Oregon after meeting with former president Bill Clinton.
"She is the embodiment of Hillary's campaign," former president Clinton said
of Harding. "I felt we had a lot in common in our ability to triumph through
adversity. She is a real fighter who knows how to get in there and mix it
"I'm just a redneck girl at heart," stated Harding. "I love beer, pickups, and guns. Honestly, I think McCain probably is the guy I'll vote for, but I'm not gonna stand around and watch this nice lady get picked on without a fight. Sometimes you have to arrange extreme measures to sort of even the odds."
Oregon has an open primary scheduled for May 20th, and Harding has vowed to make appearances for Clinton in the state.
03/20/08 Latest Bin Laden Offering Most Desperate and Controversial to Date
Washington, DC (Rotters) - Osama bin Laden warned in his latest DVD release, available for purchase from terrorist websites, that Al Qaeda would be stepping up its threats of attacks both in Europe and in the United States in response to offensive cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed republished by Danish newspapers. Bin Laden threatened to bring attacks also to the heart of America, targeting what he described as "your center of decadence" by infiltrating and threatening collegiate spring breaks nationwide.
"Clearly we are witnessing some degree of
desperation on the part of Al-Qaeda leadership," stated Ben Pensive, the
head of US supported IntelCenter, a group tasked with monitoring militant
websites worldwide. "Al-Sahab, al-Qaeda's media and PR wing, has become
quite sophisticated with it's video editing and marketing skills. We were
surprised at how well al-Qaeda has been able to maintain what appears to be
a growing trend in female suicide bombers, and now , perhaps, we have some
answers as to how they've accomplished this."
The DVD was made public simultaneously just yesterday on thousands of jihadist websites worldwide, and is offered for the price of €29.95. The advertisement claims that the price, including shipping and handling, would be waived for anyone signing up for a 1 year tour of duty and subsequent training in the mountains of Pakistan.
The validity of the disk is currently being assessed by the CIA, and initial analysis suggests that this is indeed the work of the elusive and now buff terrorist mastermind. The video apparently highlights lighter moments and frivolity from the front lines of al-Qaeda's war on the US. It is predominantly composed of scenes calculated to attract young Muslim women, including a controversial mud-hut wrestling party.
At the conclusion of the video, bin Laden issues a chilling death threat aimed specifically at Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Frances. In the rambling condemnation, bin Laden accuses Frances of disrespect for women worldwide, and cautions his Girls Gone Wild franchise against further searches through their archives in an attempt to find a rumored lesbian encounter between recently revealed prostitute Ashley Alexandra Dupre and his own niece, Wafah Dufour, which reportedly occurred two years ago.
03/17/08 McCain Narrowly Avoids Shoot Down Over Baghdad Green Zone
Baghdad, Iraq (APE)- "Boy, to quote Chairman Mao, it's always darkest before everything fades to black," exclaimed a shaken Republican Presidential candidate, Arizona Senator John McCain. McCain's helicopter was nearly shot down as it rose from the Green Zone in Iraq for a fact finding flight over the streets of Baghdad. Also aboard were other members of his presidential campaign staff, senators Lindsay Graham, R-SC, and Joe Lieberman I-CT.
A spokesperson for the Army stated that the
helicopter was undamaged and immediately returned to base after taking fire
from rocket propelled grenades. The aircraft would be removed temporarily
for further inspection and cleaning as the interior was reportedly soiled
during the attack.
Also making a surprise visit to Iraq was vice president Dick Cheney, who had arrived aboard Air Force Two late last night. The White House acknowledged that Cheney was in Iraq to pursue further negotiations with the Iraqi government and not for a rumored meeting with McCain to nail down his potential running mate. The White house vehemently denied that the two parties were now effectively pinned down within the Green Zone as a flurry of car bombings and attacks erupted across the city.
"We are witnessing the last throes of the surge insurgency," stated a confident Cheney. "A couple of RPG's randomly lobbed at a helicopter doesn't mean that it's not safe to don body armor and walk or drive down the streets of Baghdad and shop in the markets in broad daylight. These are romantic times for Iraqis and Americans alike."
Cheney is expected to continue his mideast tour starting tomorrow, when he is scheduled to visit Dubai, Saudi Arabia, and other allies to solicit funds for propping up the widening failures of brokerage firms in the US.
03/16/08 Paris Hilton Announces Alexandra Dupre as First BFF Contestant
New York, NY (DMZ) - MTV today announced that the first contestant for its new series called "Paris Hilton BFF" would be recently revealed prostitute "Kristen", AKA Ashley Alexandra Dupree. Dupree has received recent recognition as well as rumored multimillion dollar offers as a result of her role in bringing down newly elected New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. At present, Dupre's lawyers relate that she has not been charged with any offense, and they are working diligently to maximize the benefits that she has received from her recent notoriety. A publicist for Hilton stated that Dupre's "bad girl" image is precisely what socialite Paris is hoping to recapture.
"While what we are striving for in Paris' new TV
show is a 'reality show', the first episodes with Dupre will be pretty well
scripted to see if she can come through with a major hook up between Spitzer
and Hilton," stated an anonymous MTV producer. "You've got a wealthy former
governor with a bit of a naughty side, a wealthy heiress that's equally
naughty, and a real professional to help orchestrate. Power and money are
sexy. Now that's reality television that people won't want to turn off!"
A publicist for Hilton dismissed criticism that the proposed appearances by Spitzer and Dupre might be damaging to Spitzer's family, and in bad taste. "We think that, on the contrary, Paris might serve as an excellent role model for the governor's three young daughters, and maybe even his wife. They would all be welcomed as potential BFF's. In addition, Mr. Spitzer's experience as a prosecutor could prove to be handy as Paris' younger brother is set to defend himself against his own drug charges."
Lawyers for Dupre stressed that negotiations were still underway and that the money would have to be right for any type of services to proceed. "While she considers herself a professional, Ms. Dupre can now afford the luxury of not having to feel that she is being ''pimped out"," stated her legal representative.
03/15/08 Horton Says, "McWho?!?"
Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Appearing at a joint press conference with Hollywood CG megastar Donkey, of Shrek fame, iconic elephant Horton today announced that he would be abandoning the Republican Party and has joined Donkey in supporting the Democratic Party, and Illinois Senator Barak Obama. Horton is using the recent release of his latest CG film, Horton Hears a Who as a platform to educate the public as to what has been described as a long history of betrayal of elephants in American society at the hands of the GOP since the animal was first tapped as a party mascot by cartoonist Thomas Nast in 1874. Horton Hears a Who debuted yesterday to gushing praise from critics and moviegoers, promising to be the top grossing film for the coming weekend.
"A voter's a voter, there's no caucus too small,"
Horton said to reporters in attendance in regards to the positive, 50 state
grassroots campaign of Obama. He went on to explain that he was most
impressed by the Illinois senator's abilities in being able to unite
millions of "little persons" and get them to speak in unison in a voice that
is finally being heard.
"We welcome Horton, and any other former characters or mascots to whom the positive Democratic message appeals," stated Donkey. "We are, and always have been a big tent party. I'm married to a Dragon, and we have a dozen or so beautiful children together, and no one in the party has ever had a problem with that. United, we will eventually put an end to racism and sexism, as well as the politics of fear mongering and the status quo."
Horton appears to be just the most recent of a growing number of loyal Republicans who seem determined to reject the party's selected presidential candidate Arizona Senator John McCain. Chief among the concerns that these Republican voters have cited are the failed war and subsequent occupation of Iraq, an economy in the ruins of recession, an extensive history of political corruption, and an overall sense of moral bankruptcy on the part of the GOP.
"Elephants never forget," stated aging Disney icon, and former Republican mascot Dumbo. The lovable, and traditionally silent cartoon elephant appeared embittered and eager to speak out after he was contacted for a quote. "My mom finally died a few years back, and she was destitute. She was chronically ill, and the Republican Party actively fought every attempt to introduce universal health care , which could have saved her life. To add insult to injury, she was not allowed to die with dignity, either, as our family plot in the traditional elephant dying grounds in Africa has been clear cut thanks to economic globalization under the Bush Administration."
"Don't get me started about what an environmental disaster globalization has been for us," continued Dumbo. "I'm clean now, but a lot of my friends are still drinking, and nobody seems to care except Paris Hilton. I worked my ass off to get Republicans elected and I haven't been paid since the 2004 campaigns. And now, we find out that everything's been embezzled... elephants never forget."
Donkey admitted to reporters that he, as well as a number of other prominent Hollywood CG Cartoon characters including longtime friend and costar, Shrek, were, in actuality, Hillary Clinton supporters, but stood by Horton in his support of Obama and the Democratic Party. "Like my pal Shreck is fond of saying, Hillary is like an onion," Donkey waxed, "She has layers upon layers of experience. I just like her brand of politics."
Donkey and Horton then pledged to lay aside their differences and continue with a number of Democratic GOTV appearances during the general election later this year. "He never means what he says, and never says what he means... this elephant's lost faith in John McCain's schemes," concluded Horton.
A spokesperson for the Republican Presidential Election Committee confirmed that the party would indeed be dropping the elephant as official mascot. The spokesperson would not, however, confirm or deny rumors that talks were underway with former Warner Brothers legend Pepé Le Pew for an endorsement and representation contract.
03/13/08 Spitzer/Dupre FBI Sex Tape Leaked
Washington, DC (UPSI) - A spokesperson for the FBI, speaking under condition of anonymity, today admitted that a surveillance sex tape featuring disgraced New York Governor Elliot Spitzer and his preferred call girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre had indeed been leaked online. Popular filesharing websites stated that their servers rapidly became clogged with requests for the explicit video, which reportedly features Dupre, referred to as "Kristen" indulging in some of Spitzer's darkest fantasies. The FBI spokesperson cautioned Internet users against downloading files from un-trustworthy sources, to protect against hacking or possible identity theft.
"The safest thing to do would be to simply download
from our new official pay site that we are unveiling along with the leak,"
stated the FBI spokesperson. "We're betting that this will be a very popular
moneymaker for the Bureau during these prerecession times."
The spokesperson boasted that for $19.95 per month, registered users and sex offenders would have access to all of the latest celebrity and politician sexcapades thanks to cutting edge technology and data mining in conjunction with the Protect America Act.
"You know who you are, and so do we," laughed the spokesperson. "We're featuring some never before seen diaper footage from Louisiana Senator Vitter, and the first known stall tap dance encounter from Idaho Senator Larry Craig, even before the Minneapolis airport incident. If you thought you were shocked over Eliot Spitzer, wait until you see the White House archive available to our VIP level users."
The spokesperson went on to say that the new website was a creative and entrepreneurial endeavor on the part of the FBI to defray expenses for its data mining and domestic surveillance programs. Evidence that is unrelated to ongoing investigations, unable to warrant prosecution, or might otherwise not be admissible in court can now be used to assist the bureau in upgrading it's deteriorated information systems.
"Legally we're on firm ground with this," concluded the FBI spokesperson. "With the advent of Facebook, My Space, and other social networking sites, the bar for what is considered privacy for the individual has been significantly lowered. Anyone participating in such activities has essentially acquiesced to a higher degree of scrutiny, and the technology available has made it much easier to do so."
03/11/08 Clinton Offers Photographic Proof of Crossing Commander in Chief Threshold
Scranton, PA (Rotters) - As charges and counter charges from the Clinton and Obama campaigns swirled in Pennsylvania, the Clinton campaign today released what it claimed was photographic proof of the Senator's crossing the important "Commander in Chief Threshold". This comes in apparent response to the Obama campaign's release of photographs and video footage which seemed to mock the former first lady's claims of international influence and experience.
"It's readily apparent that the Senator crossed this
important threshold a long time ago," stated Clinton campaign manager Mark
Warren. "We also feel that this photograph offers solid proof that she has
done this on her own and has in no way been "carried" across this threshold
by her husband. Furthermore, she has crossed this threshold many times as a
result of severe testing."
The Clinton campaign also suggested that it would be willing to release recently documented proof of the Clintons' filing for a trial separation of powers which would be finalized upon her acquisition of the presidency.
03/10/08 Spitzer Pledges to Re-earn New York Trust by Tackling Water Problem
New York (APE) - New York Governor Elliot Spitzer today apologized to both his family and the people of New York state for what he described as not living up to both his and their standards. It had been earlier leaked that the governor had been linked to an ongoing prosecution investigation via a federal wiretap. FBI sources stated that the governor would not be charged in his documented Valentine's Day encounters with a prostitute dubbed "Kristin" for which Spitzer reportedly paid over $4300.
Sources close to the governor stated that he would
not likely be stepping down over the incident, but would attempt to learn
from his mistake and direct it towards the overall betterment of his
constituency. Spitzer would instead be trying to reclaim his reputation as a
dogged and tireless prosecutor and advocate for the people of New York.
"The governor will be immediately announcing an investigation as a result of the recent AP report over water quality, which singled out the city of New York as one of the worst offenders," stated a spokesman for Spitzer.
"Overall, the concentrations of many drugs, particularly antibiotics and antiviral medications were actually quite low in the city's water," stated the governor's spokesperson. "With a little creativity and ingenuity as well as some firm legislative backing, the governor feels that the state of New York should be able to gradually increase these levels to the point where the public should receive substantial benefit and coverage against major sexually transmitted diseases, including gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, and possibly even HIV. Given time, the practice of sex, both legitimate and illicit should become much safer for all the citizens of New York."
03/06/08 NY Police Announce Arrest in Times Square Bicycle Bombing
Queens, NY (UPSI) - Acting upon tips and key eyewitness accounts, the NYPD announced that they had just apprehended a male cyclist in Queens who they believed to be responsible for the early morning bombing of a Times Square Marine recruiting station. While the blast was sizable according to some accounts, no one was injured and the damage was limited to the destruction of the lower half of a plate glass window in front of the station. Police stated that they were pleased with the response from the public and the rapidity in which they were able to draw their investigation to a close and make an arrest.
"It was fairly obvious that this was a politically
motivated statement from the onset," stated NYPD detective Frank McCloud.
"This guy had a bone to pick. He was really upset over what he felt was a
decrease in the security of America, and an increased risk for terrorism,
and he was trying to make an example."
Police sources stated that they knew the identity of the suspect but were prohibited from releasing it by federal authorities who had been activated, on the grounds of national security. Rumors circulated that the suspect may be highly placed in the current Bush administration, but New York police would neither confirm nor deny.
White House spokesperson Dana Perino stated that, "the president is currently unavailable for comment." She stressed that the White House was looking into the incident but that it would not be prudent to comment while an investigation was under way. "The incident is unfortunate," stated Perino, "but it still should serve as a warning to the American public as to the very real peril that Democrats have risked for us all by stonewalling the president's push for telecom immunity in the ongoing hard work of protecting our country."
03/06/08 Bush Endorsement of McCain as Made Late
Washington, DC (Rotters) - White House reporters yesterday were subjected to an impromptu jig by the president as Arizona Senator John McCain was roughly 15 minutes late for his own formal endorsement ceremony. No explanations for the Senator's tardiness were forthcoming, but a McCain campaign spokesperson vehemently denied rumors that the hold up was over White House Security' s reported discovery of a covert recording device found on the Senator. "That's just silly, and frankly a dangerous allegation to make", stated the spokesperson.
After his arrival, Senator McCain was "Made" during
a brief, highly secretive ceremony which was closed to reporters and even
close friends and family. Present only were Vice President Dick Cheney, and
President Bush's closest aides. Former presidential aide Karl Rove
reportedly attended as well via videoconference.
McCain participated in an ancient Republick tradition during which he swore an "Omerka", or oath of allegiance, to the Bush family. Filled with symbolism, the highly secretive "Omerka" is traditionally performed as the made candidate pricks his finger and drips blood onto a small photograph of former President Ronald Reagan. The photograph is then burned in the hand of the candidate as he recites his death allegiance to the family. President Bush has reportedly added his own twist to the traditional ceremony by then applying a brand in the shape of a "W" to the buttocks of the Made individual with a heated coat hanger.
Posing for photographers afterwards, the president gave McCain the traditional kiss to both cheeks to seal the deal.
"The president is ready to support Senator McCain however he sees best," stated White House spokesperson Dana Perino. "He has many connections with influential people which he can bring to bear. The president is very confident of a Republick surge in fortunes this fall, resulting in retention of the White House and a retaking of Congress. If a marginally close race again winds up in the hands of the Supreme Court, President Bush is confident that justice will be done."
"These are just some of the hoops that a good politician has to jump through," confided an anonymous McCain staffer. "To someone on the outside, these rites may seem extreme, or cruel, but no lasting pain or injury is done to the participant. Senator McCain knows of torture firsthand, and this small initiation rite doesn't come close."
03/03/08 McCain Campaign to Release Transcript of Recent 3AM Phone Call from Clinton
Phoenix, AZ (UPSI) - After initially denying its existence, the McCain campaign today agreed to release a transcript of a recent 3 a.m. phone call from Democratic Senator Hillary Clinton. The call reportedly occurred this weekend as McCain was entertaining press at his home in Phoenix, AZ and apparently was overheard by a number of reporters who were up late talking with the senator.
Reporters present claimed that McCain appeared to be
offering counsel and advice to Mrs. Clinton in regard to her ongoing
campaign against Illinois Senator Barak Obama. Some stated that they
appeared to be discussing tactics regarding how to call into question
Senator Obama's perceived lack of experience. At one point, according to
some present, Clinton appeared to be reassuring McCain that her heated
rhetoric against him was just political theater for the electorate.
"This is nothing unusual, and it's not the first time Senator Clinton has spoken with Senator McCain," stated a McCain campaign spokesperson. "She obviously trusts his judgment, and his level of life experience is on a par with her own. You have to have people that you can trust when you make that call at three o'clock in the morning."
The Clinton campaign stated that it was looking forward to the release of the transcripts, and was urging the McCain campaign to release them as soon as possible after the Clinton's planned release of their tax returns next month. "We think that the transcripts will reveal that Mrs. Clinton's intentions were clearly misconstrued, and that this was not a cry for assistance in any way," stated a campaign spokesperson.
03/02/08 Scientists Tackle Bacterial Infected, Drug Resistant Storms
Midland, Texas (APE) - Scientists across the ever widening "Tornado Alley" are resorting to newer, more high-tech interventions in their quest to understand and control super storms which have recently been shown to be largely centered around the lowly bacteria. Responsible for some of the most powerful and destructive tornadoes, blizzards, and now possibly hurricanes, researchers are sounding the alarm that many of these storms' bacteria are showing increasing levels of drug-resistant. The drug resistance is so severe, according to some researchers, that the ultimate strategy for antibiotic seeding of clouds to control and regulate the power of these storms may prove unrealistic.
"We've moved on from the original crude tornado probes such as "Dorothy"," stated barometric internist Stan Livingston, M.D./Ph.D. "Today we have much newer technologies such as the Pill Cam, which has allowed us to go inside of the tornado visually with both a macroscopic and microscopic view. The proliferation of bacteria within some of these most violent storms is disturbing. The hot, wet, nutrient rich environment is the perfect medium for some of these bugs. Clean and safe rainwater has rapidly become a thing of the past."
Working under a combined grant from the Bush Administration and several drug
companies, Livingston and other researchers have cited proliferation of
antibiotic resistant storm dwelling bacteria as a possible explanation for
the perceived increase in power and destruction of storms in recent years,
rather than the more commonly accepted theory of increased global warming.
"Global warming does play a role," explained Livingston, "but it's more of
an ancillary factor. Bacteria do much better when conditions such as heat
are optimal. The more bacteria, the better able rain droplets or snowflakes
are able to coalesce."
"The most disturbing aspect of our research has been the discovery of the drug-resistant bacteria," continued Livingston. "We have cultured bacteria from some of the most powerful storms and found them to be resistant to even two and three drug strategies. This summer, on two separate occasions, we were successful in the deployment of the successor to "Dorothy", "Florence", named after Florence Nightingale. "Florence" was able to deliver one half ton of one of our most powerful antibiotics, Cipro, or ciprofloxacin, directly into an F2 and an F3 tornado. The massive dose had almost no effect on the storm's intensity whatsoever."
Livingston stated that researchers are scrambling to come up with other strategies to deal with the bacterial resistance storms. "We had high hopes of possibly being able to blunt the effect of hurricanes ultimately through antibiotic cloud seeding via chaser planes, but it appears that this will ultimately be both impractical and ineffective."
02/29/08 Bush Elevates Homeland Security Risk over Las Vegas Ricin, Chastens Democrats
Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush, appearing with Homeland security Director Michael Chertoff early this morning at a White House press conference, officially elevated the national terror alert system to the color code Orange, representing a high probability for terrorist activities. The elevation came in response to the presumed discovery of the highly toxic chemical ricin at a Las Vegas motel late yesterday.
"Perhaps this might turn out to be a case of
premature ejac... er... exaggeration," stated President Bush in regards to
the terror alert," but we have been simply left with no alternative. I take
my duties to protect America very seriously. It is possible that the
substance in question might turn out not to be ricin, but without
warrantless wiretapping thanks to the Democrat controlled Congress'
inability to pass a bipartisan measure, it may be too late to spread panic
before we know for sure."
Homeland security Director Michael Chertoff seconded the president's concern. "The reality is that we are ramping up for more of these terror warning elevations, both justified and false alarms, because the truth of the matter is we just don't know."
Chertoff went on to say that Homeland security had swung into high gear, and would be investigating nationwide every level of America's castor bean production, and was considering a national recall of castor oil. Tests later today would likely clarify the identity of the compound and possibly its origins, but Chertoff stated that this would come too late to amplify the necessary initial sense of panic needed.
"I think it's very ironic that this incident surfaced in Nevada," concluded Bush. "I hope it will send a message to Senator Reid and other like-minded individuals in Congress that the telephone companies must have immunity so that we're able to know everything that's going on in this country ahead of time."
02/26/08 Clinton Rejects Endorsement from Cincinnati Talkshow DJ Willie Cunningham
Cleveland,OH (UPSI) - After a dustup yesterday with Senator John McCain's campaign, conservative Cincinnati radio talk show host Willie Cunningham reported for duty as promised to the Hillary Clinton campaign. He offered to serve as a warm-up for a scheduled Clinton campaign appearance in downtown Cleveland today, and stated that he would offer his formal endorsement on stage with her. The Clinton campaign reportedly turned down his offer at the last minute, stating that they rejected his endorsement.
"Sure, I'm a little upset over this," stated
Cunningham. "I took a big chance stepping forwards for Hillary yesterday. Do
you see any tire marks on my face? It's pretty tough being thrown under two
different buses within 24 hours. My offer still stands though... I'll do
anything to advance Hillary's cause. I don't think it's anything personal
from her campaign... I think they're just afraid of the possible confusion
of having two Willies with similar styles aboard."
A Clinton campaign spokesperson stated that, "while we appreciate Mr. Cunningham's enthusiasm, we feel bound to reject his endorsement outright. We do appreciate the inroads to conservative Republican and independent voters that he might have to offer, and for these reasons, we won't go so far as to formally denounce his endorsement."
After Republican Senator John McCain's apology yesterday for Mr. Cunningham's behavior, media watchers have remarked upon a seeming groundswell of support for Mr. Cunningham from other more popular right-wing personalities. A deal is reportedly in the works for a formal endorsement of Mrs. Clinton from the combined likes of Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity. The Clinton campaign stated that it would consider rejection of the endorsements on an individual basis, based upon merit.
02/25/08 Obama Photo Circulated Sporting New Flag Lapel Pin
Cleveland, OH (APE) - A day after numerous news and opinion press pieces began questioning Senator Obama's patriotism for not wearing an American flag lapel pin, a photograph began circulating the Internet featuring Mr. Obama sporting a new flag lapel pin, with the inscription, "Patriots for Peace". The Clinton campaign, when contacted, stated that they wished to wait to see how the situation played out before deciding to accept or deny responsibility for the controversial photograph. They did, however, suggest that this might have been a "despicable move" on the part of the Obama campaign to upstage Mrs. Clinton, and ultimately call into question her patriotism as she was scheduled to unveil a red white and blue pantsuit during her upcoming campaign swing through Texas.
A spokesperson for the Obama campaign stated that
they could not take credit for the photograph now circulating the Internet,
but admitted that the senator had indeed begun wearing the pin in question
"Barak was greeted in El Paso, Texas by a Hispanic soldier who was scheduled to deploy to Iraq on his fifth tour of duty in six years," stated an Obama campaign spokesperson. "The soldier presented the senator with the pin, stating that he had worn it on his uniform in Iraq since 2004, and asked him to wear it as a sign of support for the vast majority of servicemen and women and their families who dearly love America and want to see an end to the senseless, brutal, and failed occupation of Iraq, and desperately want to be redeployed to renew and finish the faltering War on Al Qaeda. Mr. Obama thanked him for his service and patriotism and stated that he would be honored to wear the pin, with an enthusiastic Si, puedo!"
A Clinton campaign spokesperson suggested that Tuesday night's last debate between the candidates in Ohio promised much fireworks as Hillary planned to tie together all of the criticisms she had begun this past weekend in a forceful and "bitchy" way. "We like what we saw this weekend on Saturday Night Live, and Hillary will be "the woman in black" from now on."
02/24/08 Surprise Newcomers Sweep 2008 Oscars
Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Hollywood was stunned tonight as the Oscars were swept by a number of first-timers in a new class of high budget electoral films which has emerged this year. In the highly anticipated ceremony which represents the first major production for writers returning from an extended Guild strike, tried and true Hollywood box office megastars seemed to be systematically rejected by the relative newcomers.
In one of the first major awards of the evening, Senator John McCain accepted the award for the best supporting male group for his and others' roles in the darkly hypocritical, "No Country for Old Men". McCain accepted the award for former Senator Fred Thompson, and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani who were not in attendance. The movie, directed by the Coen brothers, describes the macinations of a sinister cabal of elderly white male politicians and their efforts to steal a presidential election.
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton received the nod for best supporting actress for her role in the end of political life drama "Away from Her". Clinton plays an aging female politician who becomes increasingly possessed of delusions of grandeur, leading to frequent angry tirades and emotional lability. As she becomes more unhinged, she is driven closer and closer to the husband who has rediscovered his love for her.
In perhaps the most stunning upset of the evening, veteran
actor George Clooney, who described himself as the "Hillary of the Oscars"
was spurned in favor of Senator Barack Obama as best actor for his role in
"There Will Be Blood". Obama plays a young and determined Illinois
politician who becomes increasingly isolated as he grows in power, and ever
more insulated by the almost evangelical movement he himself has created.
Former Bush brain Karl Rove was the recipient of a special lifetime achievement award for stunt work and special effects, and for the influence that he continues to have on American political cinematography.
02/24/08 Nader Pledges Carbon Neutral Presidential Run
New York, NY (Rotters) - After two unsuccessful Independent runs at the presidency in 2000 and 2004, consumer advocate Ralph Nader today announced on Meet the Press that he would be launching yet another bid for the office as an independent in the upcoming 2008 election. Speaking to the press in the New York campaign office of his independent party after the announcement, Nader decried all current candidates from both parties as "not green enough." He further pledged to run the first "carbon neutral" campaign for the presidency, and challenged the other remaining candidates to do so.
"I honestly did try to play by the rules," Nader
said to reporters. "I spoke with both the Obama and Clinton campaigns, and
neither could agree to do things my way. They have left me with no other
choice but to mount another failed, "slash and burn" campaign in the name of
A spokesperson for the "Vote for Nader" campaign assured reporters that they were relatively certain that they would be able to follow through with his promise to have a campaign that was completely carbon neutral.
"We have arranged for all manner of carbon credits and offsets in regards to travel and other promotional expenses," stated a Nader campaign scientific researcher. "Our only major hurdle thus far lies in our ability to be able to offset the carbon footprint from Mr. Nader's ego. Our calculations reveal that this is indeed a massive footprint, larger in area than the combined egos of Senators McCain, Clinton, and Obama together. We are in talks at this moment with the McCain campaign over a possible arrangement in which we might exchange some of our ego carbon footprint for some of the massive area produced by the senator's denial of global warming."
The Nader campaign garnered over 2% of the electorate in 2000, in a scenario in which some claim he ironically robbed the presidency from former Vice President Al Gore, winner of the Nobel Prize for his efforts for the environment, and gave it to current President George W. Bush, whose reign has been viewed as an economic and environmental catastrophe. In his most recent run in 2004 he received only 400,000 votes and was widely viewed as not factoring into President Bush's slim defeat of Senator John Kerry. The Nader campaign stated that they anticipated receiving nearly half of the 2004 vote total, and factored this into efforts to decrease Mr. Nader's carbon ego-footprint.
Nader concluded the press conference stating that one of his first acts as president would be to launch an investigation into the activities of former Vice President Al Gore, and rumors that his Nobel prize might have been awarded under fraudulent circumstances.
02/21/08 Lindsay Lohan Premiers Remake of Paris Hilton Sex Tape on Hustler Online
Los Angeles, CA (DMZ) - Just as buzz over Lindsay Lohan's recent controversial New York Magazine nude photo spread, ŕ la Marilyn Monroe, has begun to die down, it seems the actress has pushed the envelope yet farther. Hustler Magazine announced today that it's online video section would begin featuring a remake of the popular Paris Hilton sex tape, this time staring Ms. Lohan. The new video is the latest in a series of projects that Ms. Lohan has decided to undertake in which she recreates previously popular iconic works by blonde bombshells, with the hope of revitalizing her own image.
"She was just a sweetheart to work with, very
professional." said Hustler Magazine
tycoon Larry Flynt of Ms Lohan. "We went all out on this one, even utilizing
a home video camera to preserve the low-quality, grainy nature of the
original viral masterpiece. In the interest of full disclosure, however, we
relied on the use of a stunt double for Lindsay in some portions of the
video, but I defy viewers to identify those few, brief shots."
Servers for Hustler Online reportedly went down late this afternoon after apparently being swamped by requests for the video. Bootleg downloaded copies of the $19.95 twenty minute video began popping up on various file sharing services across the Internet. Hustler Online insisted that the copies were illegal, and that a portion of their download fee was going towards a substance abuse and rehab program of Ms Lohan's choice.
A spokesperson for Ms Lohan refused to either confirm or deny rumors that for her next project in the series, the 21-year-old actress would be attempting to gain over eighty pounds to re-create a number of popular photo spreads of the late Anna Nicole Smith.
02/20/08 Clinton Mounts Attack to Free All Delegates
New York, NY (Rotters) - Fresh from stinging defeats in Wisconsin and Hawaii at the hands of the Barack Obama yesterday, Hillary Clinton went into attack mode in New York city today. She immediately launched assaults on what she called Barack Obama's lack of substance, and announced a new informational website designed to free up all delegates, both "pledged" and "super", to allow them to "vote their conscience" for the good of the Democratic Party.
Speaking to a small Manhattan College, Clinton
stressed that she had much in common with the average worker who goes
largely unrepresented and pledged to roll up her sleeves and go to work on
"We can undo it!", said Clinton campaign strategist Mark Penn. "That's our new campaign slogan featuring Hillary the Pivoter . We will turn this campaign around in Texas and Ohio... in no way will our last stand to be at the Alamo. We will fight over every delegate at stake in a war of attrition all the way to Colorado. Michigan and Florida will have a voice, and it is Hillary."
Penn acknowledged that the campaign had already begun the process of attempting to flip assigned or pledged delegates. "This is purely a defensive move, as we are just responding to something that the Obama campaign has surely considered if not already done."
"Hillary is ready to go from day one," stated Penn, "Do we really need a candidate facing the Republicans in November who hasn't thought of or tried every way possible to game a system?"
02/18/08 Bush Visits Ghana, Meets Musharraf Seeking Asylum
Accra, Ghana (UPSI) - Flying overnight from Islamabad, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf met up with President Bush as he was ending his five-day tour of Africa in Ghana early this morning. Bush has reportedly agreed to transport Musharraf back to the United States as he has asked for political asylum. On Monday, Musharraf was dealt a resounding blow in the parliamentary elections in Pakistan where his PML-Q party won only 30 seats. The late Benazir Bhutto's PPP party took 110 seats, and former prime minister Nawaz Sharif's PML-N Party took 100 seats of the total 272.
"I believe old Mushy got a little more than what I
would call a 'thumpin' ", President Bush quipped to reporters, "back in the
United States I think we call it a 'humpin'. He has served this
administration well, and the bottom line is that you never leave a man
behind. He was clearly a victim of partisan politicking, and I think he's
taking it well."
The White House stated that it would indeed be granting political asylum to Musharraf after a significant debriefing. Plans would be for Musharraf to eventually oversee the FBI and CIA's Pakistani translation pool, and coordinate efforts to halt the spread of nuclear technology.
02/15/08 Putin Claims Russia has Shot Down Wayward US Spy Satellite
Moscow, Russia (Rotters) - Russian President Vladimir Putin today announced that he had authorized the successful shoot down of a wayward US Army spy satellite. The mission was accomplished with a Russian ASAT missile which was launched by a MiG31. He stated that physicists had calculated the strike so that any remaining debris would merely rain down on the vast uninhabited portions of Russia, minimizing the risk to humans. As proof, Putin offered a picture of one of the destroyed satellite's controversial fuel tanks that had made it through reentry virtually intact.
The Pentagon dismissed Putins claims as baseless
propaganda, stating that it still had plans for a Navy shootdown of the
satellite over the Pacific. The Pentagon further refused to confirm or deny
claims from NASA that the satellite had abruptly disappeared from their
"We are pleased to lend a hand to the Bush administration," stated Putin through interpreters. "I have gazed into his (President Bush) eyes before, and I have seen a man in real trouble. With the American economy doing as badly as it is right now, we were happy to save Mr. Bush the expense of a missile."
02/14/08 McCain Endorsed by Romney, Saved by Huckabee
Washington, DC (UPSI) - The McCain presidential campaign today racked up endorsements from two competitors, one former and one still active. Former favorite Mitt Romney came out today in support of his campaign, and McCain himself was pronounced "reborn" by former Baptist minister and only remaining competitor, Mike Huckabee.
The confessional ceremony between McCain and
Huckabee occurred at a small Washington, DC Baptist Church, and was attended
only by McCain family and friends and Republick Party insiders.
During the ceremony, McCain openly wept on a number of occasions. He openly confessed his sins in regards to criticism of George Bush on a number of issues, and stated that he had seen the error of his ways in siding with Democrats on a number of issues throughout his career. Huckabee then pronounced him "saved", and a "newly reborn soldier for Jesus".
"I think that this will go a long way toward healing his rift with evangelical conservatives," stated Dr. James Dobson, who attended the ceremony. "I don't know if I will be able to support him yet, however. I want to see if he'll be able to stay on the straight and narrow in regards to gay marriage, stem cells, and birth control. I like his stance on islamofascism, but he also has a little work to do in regards to his views on torture, in my opinion."
The Huckabee campaign insisted that it would remain in the race for now in a seeming mentor role to the McCain campaign in an effort to help the senator through what it described as the first few difficult months after rebirth. Political insiders speculated that McCain's conversion has added fuel to the notion that Huckabee may be tapped as McCain's vice president in a move to solidify the Republick base.
02/12/08 Microsoft Yahoo Service Pack 1 Leaked by Hackers
Redmond, WA (APE) - A spokesperson for Microsoft today announced that it's servers had been hacked and it's Yahoo Service Pack 1 had been prematurely released over the Internet. Yahoo Service Pack 1 was still undergoing preliminary beta testing and was not scheduled for release until after the takeover of the popular Internet search engine and commerce site was finalized.
The Microsoft spokesperson reluctantly admitted that
the hack was made possible by the previously uncovered "speech recognition
analog hole" that its engineers have been struggling with since the release
of Windows Vista. "Unfortunately," stated Microsoft technician Svenonine
Borg, "all that an informed hacker had to do was to access our servers using
either the built-in Microsoft speech recognition program or Dragon
NaturallySpeaking and speak the password "do you yahoo". This, in turn,
allowed access to all of our preliminary work incorporating Yahoo into
The service pack spread like wildfire over various Internet filesharing websites. Reviews from hackers and knowledgeable computer enthusiasts have been mixed thus far.
People who have installed the upgrade state that anyone who has a previously installed Yahoo toolbar are now redirected to MSN for all searches when they attempt to utilize it. Others have stated that their Google toolbar has been completely deactivated, and still will not work after reinstallation.
"I would remind everyone that this was a top secret Beta program nowhere near ready for release," stated Borg. "While we encourage enthusiasm for our products, at this point users are installing this at their own risk. We anticipate the release of the fully tested Yahoo Service Pack 1 sometime this summer, after Yahoo has been fully assimilated."
02/11/08 Berkeley Unrest Silenced with Marine Invasion
Berkeley, CA (Rotters) - An eerily calm sunset drifted over the restive California town of Berkeley as a Marine assault division settled into its role of martial law. The Marines seized the town without a shot being fired early this morning, wresting control of the city Council from a band of rebels referring to themselves as simply "Code Pink". The Marines went in after desperate calls for assistance from local business members of the FBI's Infrargard program.
"These Code Pinkers had manipulated the City Council
into banning Marine recruitment in the city, and we were all pretty well
being held hostage, " stated a local resident presented by the marines for
an interview. "If that's not a threat to our nation's infrastructure, then I
don't know what is."
A spokesperson for the Marines stated that the town had overall been fairly uncooperative with its efforts to round up members of Code Pink. Coffee houses and internet cafes had been closed and a dusk to dawn curfew imposed.
"This place has been a hotbed of insurgent activity spanning many generations," stated Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn. "We had attempted to resolve the dispute peacefully by cutting off the city's federal funds earlier this week, but this proved to be impractical as it would have cut off funding to thousands of other projects, many of them in my own home district in Texas."
Bush Administration spokesperson Tony Fratto praised the Marines for the fine job that they were doing in Berkeley. "Code Pink has been severely disrupted in Berkeley, and they're on the run. We are there at the request of businesses, and we will stay until they can install their own government and provide their own security... as they stand up, we will stand down. The president has authorized the discretionary use of extreme interrogation if the need arises. While there will likely be no need for hardened military bases in the future, we will not leave until the job is done."
02/10/08 Shuster Resigns from MSNBC over Comment, Signs with MTV
New York, NY (DMZ) - Two days after offering an apology to presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and her daughter Chelsea for remarks made while hosting MSNBC's Tucker Carlson Show, David Shuster has announced that he will be resigning effective immediately from MSNBC. Shuster's agent stated that this was solely his decision and that he had not received pressure from the network to tender his resignation. "A more lucrative and fulfilling opportunity has presented itself," stated celebrity representative Allisyn Phunn.
"David will be taking over the hosting duties for
MTV's popular series, Pimp My Ride," stated Phunn. "His youth and exuberance
should bring a well needed boost to the show. The younger market is now
clamoring for political content, and David should provide that connection."
"I would've liked to have stayed aboard with MSNBC, because politics is my first love," stated Shuster in an exclusive phone interview with DMZ. "That being said, MTV's offer of much more money, less stress, and more fun was one that I couldn't refuse. Fast cars are my second love, well, maybe third behind my new wife."
"I do regret how the incident with the Clintons played out, and I'm sorry that they, and many others, took offense. I did everything I could through various apologies to set things right, but over the last two days I have begun to feel as if I were being "pimped out" in a weird sort of way by MSNBC in order to entice Ms. Clinton into keeping a promise of an upcoming debate with Barack Obama on MSNBC."
Shuster's first episode on pimp my ride, scheduled for broadcast next month, will feature a makeover of Senator John McCain's "Straight Talk Express" bus.
02/10/08 London Scientology Protest Threatens to Turn Violent over Tom Cruise Assault
London, England (UPSI) - London police were stunned early this morning as a wave of global protests against Scientology threatened to become violent there. Thousands of protesters, many more than police and Scientology security had anticipated, showed up at the London branch of the Church of Scientology. The protesters remained anonymous by dressing in similar garb and hats and wearing identical masks. The protesters referred to themselves simply as "X", and stood outside the church blocking both vehicular and pedestrian traffic.
The protest almost became violent as Tom Cruise, visiting London for a future film project, exited the church and began taunting the demonstrators. Police intervened after one of the demonstrators lunged forward, grabbing Cruise by the throat and shouting, "The multiplying villainies of Xenu do swarm upon him!" The protester then disappeared among the crowd, apparently escaping, and no arrests were made.
"We are all X," stated an anonymous protester afterwards. "X is my brother,
my sister, my mother and father. X is the poor soul that's been brainwashed
and robbed blind by the Church of Scientology. We are legion and we are
anonymous... X for Xenuphobia."
Reports of minor vandalism of Church of Scientology websites have been cropping up across the Internet. Large red X's are superimposed over graphics and banners worldwide, and church security is at a loss to explain away or defend against the massive computer hacks.
"I would caution the protesters about going too far with this religious
persecution," stated Scientology spokesperson Tom Cruise. "If this continues
in America later today, people should know that the Church of Scientology is
an official member of Infragard. The Sea Org is now fully armed, and as a
member of Infragard, they are authorized to protect various aspects of our
contributions to the nation's infrastructure using deadly force. We're
authorized by the FBI to do this, and we will shoot on sight."
02/10/08 Rove Joins McCain Campaign, Wrecks Straight Talk Express Bus
Topeka, KS (APE) - Hours after the McCain campaign announced that former Bush strategist Karl Rove would be coming aboard their campaign, tragedy was barely averted as the famous "Straight Talk Express" was totaled on a lonely road outside of Topeka, Kansas. No one on board was injured as the newly acquired strategist, Karl Rove himself, was at the wheel and reportedly sent it spinning out of control. The campaign was making a hasty retreat from Kansas after receiving a primary setback loss at the hands of the only remaining Republican competitor, Mike Huckabee.
"It all just happened so fast," said a reporter who had been traveling on
board the bus with the campaign. "Karl was having fun at the wheel,
tailgating a Volvo with a Hillary Clinton bumper sticker on it, and then he
seemed to swerve and over correct as this pickup with an Obama sticker
passed both vehicles."
Neither of the other two vehicles involved were detained or charged by authorities. State police are investigating whether charges of driving while impaired should be brought against Rove.
A spokesperson for Mr. Rove dismissed the loss of the famous bus, stating that as a symbol it had long ago lost its usefulness. The McCain campaign announced that it would be resurrecting rail travel in a classic nod to the "Whistle Stop" campaigns of old. The newly christened "Terror Train" was closer to the GOP message, and would begin touring the remaining primary states. "We're not stopping until this train pulls into that final station on Pennsylvania Avenue," stated a McCain staffer," and the rest of the campaigns had better observe caution before crossing our tracks."
02/07/08 Hillary Clinton Seeks Donations to Avoid $20 Million Hostile Takeover Bid
New York, NY (Rotters) - One week after Internet search engine Yahoo began to fend off a hostile takeover bid from Microsoft, the Hillary Clinton for President campaign today announced that it would be attempting to fend off a hostile takeover bid of its own. The campaign hopes to raise over $20 million from donors by Monday to avoid possible foreclosure and reorganization.
The takeover bid arises after Hillary Clinton
admitted to loaning the campaign $5 million of her own money to keep it
competitive through this week's "Super Tuesday" primaries. Clinton was able
to fight only to an essential draw the better funded and surging Barack
Obama campaign. The $5 million loan has now come due, and key campaign staff
have agreed to work without compensation for the next month in order to keep
the campaign solvent.
The hostile takeover appears to be coming from Mrs. Clinton's husband, former President Bill Clinton. He is rumored to be dissolving a lucrative business partnership which will net him $20 million in assets. Mr. Clinton has had numerous behind-the-scenes conflicts with his wife's campaign staff and strategists, and Insiders ventured that the $20 million would be more than enough cash for the former president to acquire a controlling interest.
The Clinton campaign dismissed outright a rumor that they had been involved in discussions with the Mitt Romney campaign to come up with a co-operative agreement to stave off the $20 million takeover bid.
02/06/08 Ronald Reagan Announces Presidential Exploratory Committee on 97th Birthday
Bel-Air, CA (Rotters) - Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th president of the United States today announced from his home mausoleum in Bel-Air California that he would be forming an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of his late entry into the 2008 Republican presidential race. The committee will be headed up by right-wing pundits Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter and is widely viewed as a rebellion from the extremist conservative wing of the party over their dissatisfaction of current front runner Arizona Senator John McCain.
"My Alzheimer's is all okay now," Reagan stated to
reporters in attendance, "and the rumors of my death have been greatly
exaggerated. I'm from beyond the grave, and I'm here to help... and I say to
America don't walk towards the thousand points of light."
Constitutional scholars were thrown into a tizzy over right-wing claims that an officially declared death negated the law limiting a president to two terms. The newly formed committee scrambled to discover what would be involved in getting the former president on the ballot in the remaining primaries and if it would be mathematically feasible to win enough delegates to carry the nomination.
"I respect what "Nancy pants" and my family have been trying to accomplish in my name," stated Reagan, "but I'm all better now and I have to say that I have a lot of trouble with this whole stem cell thing. You have to ask yourself, "what would Jesus do? Answer: he wouldn't. I asked him yesterday."
Simultaneous protests arose from the Romney and McCain camps as each scrambled to disavow their own conservatism comparison claims. "This is just a cheap political stunt dug up by some malcontents within our own party," stated an anonymous McCain campaign aide.
Campaign aides for Senator Mike Huckabee stated that he was touched by what he felt was a witnessed miracle, and this was confirmed by conservative religious leader James Dobson. Huckabee has offered to withdraw his name from the race and have it placed in consideration on the future ticket as the vice presidential candidate and running mate to former President Reagan.
A spokesperson for the White House stated that neither Vice President Cheney nor President Bush would offer a comment on the matter and refuse to either confirm or deny rumors that the two had gone into hiding.
The Clinton and Obama Democratic Campaigns both seemed to welcome an opportunity to go head to head with "The Great Communicator".
"I think everybody already knows Senator Obama's opinions about Mr. Reagan," stated an Obama staffer, "but frankly, I think the Gipper and all of his policies are smelling more like "kipper". "
"We look forward to driving a stake through the heart of "composted conservatism"," stated a Clinton spokesperson.
02/06/08/ Britney Files Restraining Order Against Osama
Los Angeles, CA (DMZ) - The parents of hospitalized pop tart Britney Spears yesterday filed a massive restraining order against her purported manager/confidante Osama "Sam" Lutfi. Citing Svengali like influence over Ms. Spears, the order denies Lutfi any and all access to her person, property, and finances. The Spears family expressed amazement at how rapidly Osama had been able to gain access and influence over their daughter, orchestrating her career through the use of alcohol and mind altering substances. The family claim that this latest intervention occurred just in time, stating that police had uncovered a developing plot to have Britney spirited away to the middle east.
In a related development yesterday, CIA Director
Michael Hayden cited new intelligence claiming that Al Qaeda had begun to
make dramatic inroads into the West through a steadily increasing march of
Westerners into Al Qaeda training camps along the Pakistan/Afghanistan
"It's the oldest B-movie plot in Hollywood history," stated Hayden, "the beautiful, naďve blonde heiress is seduced by the swarthy Sheik of Arabi. The problem is that this one doesn't have a happy ending... the Sheik isn't really European, isn't rich, and thousands more Americans die."
Hayden refused to comment specifically in regards to Osama "Sam" Lutfi, but did admit that he was currently listed as a "person of interest" by the FBI.
"While we have enjoyed a long period of increased peace and security in this country, I would encourage Americans to maintain an increased degree of vigilance," stated Hayden. "We are likely in for more attacks and increasing danger in the future as Al Qaeda becomes both more desperate and more clever. We have reasons to suspect that they may have actually made some inroads into American politics. But rest assured, the CIA and homeland security are on the job."
02/05/08 Fox News Declares Super Tuesday for Clinton
New York, NY (Rotters) - Just as many voters are beginning to wake up across the country and proceed to their respective polls on a Super Tuesday which could possibly significantly narrow the 2008 presidential race, Fox News anchor Britt Hume has announced that Fox News has called the Democratic contest, awarding a tightly fought victory to New York Senator Hillary Clinton. With no polls closed, and no results tabulated in any of the 22 participating states, Fox has declared Clinton the overall victor by a 51% to 48% margin.
"Statistics don't lie," stated a Fox News
spokesperson, "if people are stupid enough to not accept reality and
continue voting, then so be it. There is a not insignificant dollar amount
already invested by Fox News in the form of research, editing, and graphics
production upon this race, and that's hard to ignore."
With polls opening four hours previous, Fox has begun pressuring the Obama campaign for some sort of concession speech.
"If he does not have the guts to step forward and accept defeat, then maybe we were right about him all along," stated Fox political commentator Ann Coulter. "I've already throw my support towards Hillary if it comes down to a matchup with pseudo-conservative John McCain. If it's Mitt, or Huckabee... well, we'll see."
02/05/08 NASA Mistakenly Beams Dead Heads for Obama Concert into Deep Space
Pasadena, CA (UPSI) - An embarrassed NASA JPL spokesperson early this morning admitted that they had apparently been hacked last night. Their planned transmission of the Beatles famous "Across the Universe" into deep space was preempted by a live feed from San Francisco of the Grateful Dead's resurrection concert in support of Senator Barack Obama's presidential campaign. The concert in its entirety left the outer fringes of the solar system within hours of it's transmission late last night.
"We strongly suspect that this may have been an
inside job," stated NASA head of security Dewey Tazem. "When you have
thousands of disgruntled scientists upset over seven years of political
suppression, things are bound to happen. No one is talking right now, but we
will get to the bottom of it. We are in communication with the White House,
and we have been authorized to use "extreme interrogation techniques" if
"I was disappointed when I couldn't get tickets," waxed Ima Trippen, a longtime Grateful Dead fan and Obama supporter from Seattle, "but I found out that this was going to happen over the Internet and tuned in. The sound quality was incredible! So much better than a lot of the bootleg stuff that I used to listen to in my day. It was like you were really there, and you could feel the electricity. It's like the kids nowadays say, Obama so rules!"
A NASA spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous admitted that there was probably very little damage done by the prank in the eyes of whatever beings may exist in deep space."Where's the harm in the fact that "Truckin" has taken the place of "Across the Universe" in a long strange trip."
02/04/08 Bush Laptop Federal Budget Crashes Windows Vista
Washington, DC (APE) - The long heralded final Bush Federal Budget for the fiscal year 2009 ended in a sour note today at the White House, as the budget itself appeared to crash Microsoft's most stable operating system to date, Windows Vista. The president was attempting to Institute a cost saving measure by not printing out the budget as has been traditionally done, presenting the budget in electronic form on a laptop, when it suddenly reverted to the "blue screen of death" familiar to Windows users.
"We had cautioned the White House against attempting
this," stated a Microsoft technical support spokesperson. "Vista is designed
to be comfortable with all manner of mathematics from science and
engineering to economics, but we have had real trouble with programming
Windows to run on the patented "fuzzy math" that is a staple for the Bush
administration. We spend millions in time and resources attempting to plug
memory holes in our software and yet this is the very concept that "fuzzy
math" is based on. Needless to say, it is a challenge to come up with a
reliably unstable operating system to run their numbers with."
Undaunted, the White House claimed that it was relatively certain that Microsoft technical support would be able to straighten out what it described as minor technical glitches with the software, allowing anyone online to have a look at their record $3.1 trillion budget. "For anyone that insists upon a print copy, these can be ordered online for $200 each," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "We will also be selling copies of our new instruction manual for the software version called "The Federal Budget for Smart People". It will be available online and through all major bookstores for $29.95. Proceeds will go to the Hillary Clinton Campaign."
A budget version for Apple OSX will not be made available due to the unanticipated stability of the operating system, the White House stated.
02/03/08 Belichick Admits to High Tech Spying on Giants on Superbowl Gameday, Demands Immunity
Phoenix, AZ (Faux Sports) - Hours before the kickoff for Super Bowl LXII, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has come forward, admitting to using spy satellite technology to scout today's opponents, the New York Giants. Belichick cited a guilty conscience and the fact that the story was about to be broken from a number of sources as his reasons for coming forward. Belichick offered a vague apology for his role in the matter and demanded that he be given immunity in any subsequent investigation.
"When your government approaches you and demands
cooperation, you don't really have any choice," stated a slightly emotional
Belichick to reporters gathered at the Glendale, AZ Cardinal's stadium
complex. "There appears to be a lot more riding on this game than our
undefeated season. The Bush administration has insisted upon a win for the
Patriots at all costs. With all of the bad news of the economy and the Iraq
occupation, I suppose that they are desperate for some good news and
stability for America."
Belichick detailed for reporters the real-time high resolution imagery that was given to the Patriots over the last two weeks. "It's unbelievable what they're able to do," stated Belichick. "We were able to see exactly who Eli Manning called on his cell phone, whether it was his fiancée, his dad or his brother. We're to the point where we can pretty well call their plays before they do."
The White House refused comment as to the specifics of Belichick's charges. "It's important that this Super Bowl plays out for the American people without our interference," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "If indeed these accounts appear to be true at a future date, then certainly Mr. Belichick should be granted individual immunity just as other corporations who have been central in fighting the war on terror. He should not be exposed to all manner of frivolous lawsuits."
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated that the Super Bowl will be played as usual today despite its likely outcome. "We may look into the possibility of rebates for disgruntled fans," stated Goodell . "I have taken it upon my authority to go ahead and destroy all tapes and other materials confiscated from the Patriots organization over the last two weeks, prior to any type of investigation that may be called for. The NFL maintains an attitude of total cooperation when national security is at stake."
02/02/08 US Reveals Identity of Predator Pilot Who Killed Al-Qaeda #3 Man
Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Pentagon today revealed the identity of the the predator drone pilot who has been credited with the killing of Al-Qaeda's number three leader, Abu Laith al-Libi, in Pakistan. The intrepid marksman was none other than vice president Dick Cheney. The White House confirmed that Mr. Cheney had for years taken a personal interest in the unmanned drone technology in his spare time from his undisclosed locations.
Pending confirmation from a review of the mission
tapes, Cheney will likely be awarded the $2 million bounty which had been
placed upon the head of al-Libi. A spokesperson for the vice president's
office stated that the reward would likely go towards completion of Mr.
Cheney's retirement property on the outskirts of suburban Maryland.
"It's pretty amazing what we're able to do now," stated Mr. Cheney in a prepared statement released to the press. "It really is literally point and click."
US security analysts are describing the strike on the Al Qaeda leader as a "limited success". Overall, the predator program in the Middle East has been fraught with extensive collateral damages during previous strikes.
"The vice president really has gotten better at this over the last couple of months," stated the predator program's Pentagon director Colonel Questin Slater. "but, I think it would be fair to credit this kill to a timely trip to the White House optometrist and a new lens prescription. He's been a real advocate for advancing military technology, and he's like a kid with a new BB Gun sometimes. He got a real thrill out of being the first to fire the Navy's new rail gun in Virginia this week via remote."
01/31/08 Britney Released From Hospital Following Successful Tom Cruise Intervention
Los Angeles, CA (DMZ) - Britney Spears was discharged early this morning from the UCLA Medical Center, after an emergency admission last night. She left in a chauffeur driven limousine reportedly owned by the Church of Scientology, and was rumored to be heading to a treatment facility located somewhere in the desert Southwest. Actor and Scientology spokesperson Tom Cruise confirmed to reporters gathered outside of the hospital that he had personally performed an intervention with Ms. Spears last night at the request of friends.
"This this poor young woman has been tortured enough
at the hands of psychiatric medicine," Cruise stated to reporters. "She has
just taken the first step towards the only true mental wellness possible in
this lifetime. After she has had time to work the program, I think you'll
see a totally different Britney Spears."
Spears was escorted to the hospital by police last night at the insistence of her psychiatrist after rumored suicide threats. The Medical Center refused to comment on the circumstances surrounding spears admission and subsequent discharge. This is Spears' second such admission within the past month
Spears' immediate family refused to comment for reporters in regards to the latest developments, but a spokesperson for the family stated that lawyers were busy with attempting to place all of Ms. Spears financial dealings under a temporary legal trust.
01/31/08 Miley Cyrus Downplays Internet Underwear Pics
Hollywood, CA (DMZ) - Teen singing sensation, Miley Cyrus, has admitted that the revealing pictures posted on the Internet of her in her underwear are indeed authentic. She states that she was a victim of one of her best friends and a digital camera during a sleepover.
"You know how you always have that favorite set of
underwear that you just can't bring yourself to get rid of," Cyrus stated in
a DMZ exclusive interview. "Well we were all horsing around that night, and
decided to take pictures. That particular set of Underoos was one of my
dad's favorites... we used to sit and watch reruns of Wonder Woman together
when I was a little girl."
"It was all perfectly innocent and in good fun," concluded Cyrus. "If a bunch of people are getting their jollies from looking at a 15 year old girl in her underwear on the internet... well ... it's a pretty sick world."
01/30/08 Edwards Withdraws, Will Run With Obama
Denver, CO (APE) - One week before the nation's kickoff of the Super Tuesday primaries, the Barack Obama campaign announced that it would be promoting the nomination of former competitor North Carolina Senator John Edwards as his vice presidential running mate. This would be Edwards' second attempt at the office of Vice President and comes on the same day that he announced his withdrawal from the Democratic presidential contest. Edwards faced a slew of disappointing third-place finishes in the initial primaries, including one in his birth state of South Carolina.
Unveiling their new combined logo, the Obama Edwards '08 campaign pledged
to redouble their commitment to promoting change for America.
"I'm excited about the prospects of this ticket," stated Obama. "We will be a force to be reckoned with in November. The change we offer America is more than a $600 rebate, and it will appeal to Republicans and Democrats alike."
"Let me be the first to say that race is now officially an issue," stated Edwards, "and it's a race against time for America. The race is on and we won't stop even after November."
01/30/08 Giuliani Drops Bid, Pledges Connections to McCain
Miami, FL (APE) - Former New York Mayor , and former GOP Republican presidential candidate front-runner Rudy Giuliani last night announced that he would be dropping his run for the presidency after a humiliating third-place finish in Florida, the only state in which he actively campaigned. Giuliani seemed to run solely on his popularity as mayor of New York City during the time of the 9/11 attacks. Critics are left to ponder whether his defeat occurred because of his own self-destruction or if the American public has finally chosen to bury the past of 9/11 and move on.
Giuliani was dogged throughout his campaign by
charges of improprieties, corruption, and strong-arm techniques. He was
famously exposed as bilking the city of New York for expenses and security
during trysts with his former mistress and now wife. His former police
chief, Bernard Kerik, whom Giuliani had once highly recommended to the Bush
administration as a potential director of homeland security, was also
indicted on corruption charges."One man's character flaw is another man's
leadership skill," dismissed a former Giuliani campaign worker.
The Giuliani campaign stated that he would now begin utilizing extensive connections and calling in favors for Arizona Senator John McCain's presidential campaign. "He'll do whatever it takes to put John McCain in the White House... it will be an offer that America can't refuse" stated a campaign official.
McCain officials stated that Guiliani' s entire Florida fundraising operation had been bundled aboard the "straight talk" express and, provided there was no interstate police interference, would travel to the next McCain campaign stop, hoping to scare up the funds to make him competitive.
01/29/08 Final Bush State of the Union Speech Responsible for 21 Deaths Nationwide
Washington, DC (UPSI) - The federal government's Center for Disease Control this morning reported that President Bush's final State of the Union address last night had been indirectly linked to 21 deaths nationwide from alcohol poisoning, and cautioned that the number may grow throughout the day. The CDC's report came as a result of querying available nationwide databases linking together the nation's Hospital emergency rooms. The victims appeared to have been voluntarily participating in a traditional "State of the Union drinking game" in which they had selected beforehand key words and phrases for which they would have to consume a quantity of alcohol.
"I don't know if we'll ever realized the depth and
breadth of this unfolding tragedy," stated Dr. Yumas B. Kreitzei, a CDC
researcher. "It appears that a lot of people had attempted to play safe, and
not choose words and topics such as the economy, anticipating that this is
where Bush would concentrate his speech. They instead chose topics such as
terrorism, thinking that this had been exhausted in previous speeches and
that the president would not choose to wallow in abject failure. They chose
wrong. With the highest concentration of his speech dwelling on terrorism at
an estimated 23 references, this resulted in lethal blood-alcohol
concentrations of .4 in some victims."
Dr. Kreitzei went on to say that the number of casualties would likely grow throughout the day as would the numbers of those severely sickened and injured. "If you do the potential math here," added Kreitzei, "this will be a severe one day blow to the economy, factoring in lost employee production, sick leave, and health-care costs. It could easily negate the president's proposed $150 billion economic stimulus package."
Kreitzei went on to say that the CDC would be referring their findings to the Justice Department to see if charges needed to be pressed against the Bush administration.
"I guess I'm one of the lucky ones," stated Ben Latten, a 45-year-old import/export executive from New York. "I was looking to have a little fun last night, so I chose the economy. I had about three shots at the start of his speech and that was it. My friend, our designated driver, chose terrorism just to play along. He's in the intensive care unit this morning suffering from water intoxication... the doctors say he's probably going to be okay."
01/28/08 The Fuck It List
Dick Cheney and George Bush star as two disgraced and declining Republican conservatives who decide to break out of the White House and live their last days to the fullest in director Karl Rove’s tragicomic road movie. Dick Cheney is a corporate billionaire who is currently sharing the White House with a failed, bicycle riding, frat brat George Bush. Though initially, the pair seems to have nothing in common as they approach the end of eight years of political humiliation, they both realize that they have a long list of powers that they would still like to abuse before being driven out of office. Realizing that the power of the White House may be their last chance to accomplish their most selfish desires, the two come up with a "Fuck It" list of things that they would like to do to "fuck over" their friends, family, critics, and the White House's incoming occupant. The "Fuck It" list includes playing chicken with the entire US economy, throwing thousands more soldiers to needless deaths, and ultimately pushing "that big red button on the end of my desk that I'm never supposed to push".
The two men, one terminally ill, and one terminally stupid, take up drinking again, reinvigorate their forced friendship of eight years and live a lifetime of debauchery in their last remaining days.
As they embark on their list, Dick and George successfully elude their Secret Service protection. They rent high-powered sports cars which they then use as off-road vehicles on the National Mall, plowing under tourists and demonstrators alike.
On a bet, the two then decide to go skydiving. George's father had once bailed out from a downed fighter in World War II. Both men seek to justify their reasons in life for avoiding active military duty, and affirm the type of men that they really are.
One of Dick's regrets in life was in never having the courage to get "inked". The two visit a DC tattoo parlor which has been cordoned off and secured for the occasion. Dick gets the logo of his corporation Halliburton tattooed onto his arm, and George has a daggered heart with the name Condi on it tattooed on his buttocks.
Dick begins to treat George like the son he never had and tries to teach him all about hunting. One by one, all of the animals in the National Zoo are released and the two pick them off with rifles. White House dinners feature exotic dishes for the remainder of their term.
The big ending comes when George, acting on a drunken double dare from Dick, finally pushes a mysterious button in his office, unleashing nuclear holocaust in a preemptive foray into Pakistan.
The Fuck It List ends on 01/20/09.
01/26/08 Scientology Issues Statement Condemning Anonymous
Los Angeles, CA (Rotters) - In a tersely worded statement at the Los Angeles Church of Scientology, spokesperson Tom Cruise today announced that the Church of Scientology would be pursuing all means, legal and otherwise, to shut down the Internet group referring to themselves as simply "Anonymous". Cruise went on to reveal that special Church of Scientology investigators, working out of the Sea Org branch had been able to track online those responsible for hacking the church's main website. According to Cruise's prepared statement, Sea Org investigators were now relatively certain that their arch-nemesis Xenu was behind the highly coordinated series of attacks.
"We find ourselves on the forefront of a battle for
the minds and spiritual energy of the entire human race," stated Cruise.
"It's going to take the resources of all Scientologists, from the lowly
street sweeper to the nuclear physicist to push back against his subversive
suppression of religious freedom. We will not rest until the entire human
race is cleared."
Cruise played for reporters the most recent YouTube communication from "Anonymous".
"Note the stilted, mechanical, almost Borg-like quality to the voice," stated Cruise. "Sea Org has, with 99% certainty, matched the voice of the narrator to archival recordings of Xenu in our possession. We will be turning over our findings to the FBI, and our lawyers will begin pushing for charges of hate crimes to be brought by legal authorities."
Cruise refused to elaborate for reporters what other alternatives the church might pursue. He then vigorously denied rumors that the church was prepared to conduct extreme rendition upon suspects that might come into their custody. The church has come under fire for the death of a former Scientologist, Lisa McPherson and has continually denied that the death was the result of a controversial technique called "Theta Boarding".
"The Church of Scientology does not torture," insisted Cruise, "brainwashing is not considered torture... look it up."
01/26/08 Stallone Endorsement Prompts Bonaduce to Step Forward for Romney
Miami, FL (DMZ) - The Mitt Romney for President campaign today announced that it had secured the endorsement of former child actor and reality show host Danny Bonaduce. "We're pleased to herald a return to Republican family values, such as what we used to see with the Partridge Family," stated a campaign spokesperson. "at the same time we have a powerful spokesperson in Mr. Bonaduce for Mr. Romney's pledge to remain tough when it comes to American security."
The Romney campaign also announced that it had
launched a lawsuit to halt the upcoming steel cage match between Sylvester
Stallone and Chuck Norris in Madison Square Garden next week, arguing that
it had been unfairly excluded from this newest debate format between
Republican presidential candidates Mike Huckabee and John McCain. The Romney
campaign argued that Mr. Bonaduce should be allowed to represent Romney in
the event and have a chance at the reportedly $2 million and growing purse.
The 48-year-old former star of the short-lived VH1 series Breaking Bonaduce appeared with Romney at his Miami, FL primary campaign headquarters, and will accompany the former Massachusetts governor for the remainder of his primary campaign appearances. "What can I say, the money was right," stated Bonaduce to reporters. "I'm looking forward to the lawyers straightening this cage match thing out and kicking some ass. Stallone and Norris are just a joke, they're so old."
01/25/08 Stallone, Norris Agree to Steel Cage Match over Respective Candidates
New York, NY (APE) - Immediately after announcing his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain, action film star Sylvester Stallone issued an immediate challenge to fellow film star Chuck Norris who has been campaigning with previously front running Republican candidate Mike Huckabee. Stallone proposed a no holds barred, winner take all cage match between himself and Norris, with the proceeds to go to the winner's candidate. Sources close to the Huckabee campaign have stated that Norris has accepted, and the match will occur sometime next week in Madison Square Garden prior to the "Super Tuesday" primaries in February .
Both candidates are excited at the prospect of
bolstering cash-strapped campaigns.
"I'm very proud to do what I can to support the original Rambo," stated Stallone of Arizona Senator John McCain. "Yo, this guy can take a pounding. I like Chuck and all, and I'm just honored to be in the same ring with him, but I really believe I can take him. And yo, check out our new website, Facts About Sylvester Stallone.com."
A spokesperson for the Rudy Giuliani campaign scoffed at the trend of Republican presidential candidates touting such endorsements. "Mr. Giuliani doesn't need some Hollywood actor to help make him look tough," he stated, "he is a true leader with the means to have problems taken care of quickly and quietly." The campaign denied that negotiations with film star Steven Segal had reached an impasse.
A spokesperson for former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney's campaign refused to confirm or deny rumors that they were concluding negotiations for an endorsement from former child television actor and current reality TV star Danny Bonaduce.
01/24/08 Snakes on a Campaign
Snakes on a Campaign
A band of Democratic presidential candidates bear witness to the brutal murder of the United States Constitution by the powerful Republican BushCo corporation and set out to testify in the court of public opinion.
They embark on a redeye presidential campaign that starts out as entirely first-class. However, poisonous snakes of racism, misogyny, triangulation, half-truths, and outright deception are released on board the campaign.
Many candidates are virtually killed as the campaign becomes a survival of the fittest, focusing only on the snakes.
Who released the snakes, and can they get the snakes off the campaign before
it's too late?
Snakes on a Campaign is rated PG: Parental Guidance Requested
01/23/08 Thousands Stream Across Border as Miles of Walls and Fences Destroyed
Juárez, Mexico (Rotters) - In a highly coordinated nighttime assault, hundreds of miles of border fencing and walls between Mexico and the states of Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico were destroyed and hundreds of thousands of Americans streamed across into the bordering Mexican cities. All through the night people were seen bringing back across alcohol, food, tires, gasoline, natural gas, and heating oil among other merchandise. The Mexican border patrol initially attempted to stem the flow, but eventually most Americans were greeted in English and told to purchase what they needed and return back to America as soon as possible.
Amongst the Americans were also disheartened illegal
Mexican immigrants attempting to return to their homes and families.
"My family has been pushed to the limit," stated a 54-year-old Caucasian American construction worker, asked not to be identified, and who was seen returning over the fence with clothing items, prescription medicines, and natural gas cylinders. "I've been out of work for two or three months now and I can't afford to wait any more for some sort of "economic stimulus". Two miles from my house, there's affordable medicines and affordable foods, and gas to keep my family warm over the winter. Them people in Gaza got it right... if you wait for your government to bail you out... well... dead's not the way I see myself spending my retirement."
Mexican President Felipe Calderón stated that he had contacted the White House for assistance in policing the borders and stemming the flow of illegal Americans. "Our economy can probably for a short time absorb the devalued dollars flooding our markets but our patience is thin," stated Calderón. "We pledge to assist in humanitarian efforts for our American neighbors in whatever way possible, but we have limitations."
The White House stated that it was investigating the possibility of mobilizing and activating National Guard troops currently stationed in Iraq to help police the border. The Department of Homeland Security stated that a curfew was being instituted and a number of border vigilante groups in the affected states were being duly deputized and given orders to shoot on sight any Americans returning with goods not purchased in the United States
01/22/08 Thompson Drops Out, Detained in Florida
Coral Beach, FL (UPSI) - Fred D. Thompson, former senator from Tennessee and today, officially, a former Republican presidential candidate, was detained by Coral Beach police late this afternoon after witnesses described him "weaving in and out of oncoming traffic in a golf cart" near the downtown area. Witnesses also stated that Thompson refused to yield to police during the low-speed chase for almost 5 blocks, finally pulling over after being threatened with a tazer.
"He wasn't belligerent at all, and insisted to the
officers that he was just going back to his home state of Tennessee," stated
a paparazzo who happened to be at the scene. "It looked like they
confiscated about a half bottle of Tennessee sipping whiskey in a brown
Thompson's antics occurred after his campaign had earlier announced today that he would be withdrawing from the Republican race for president after dismal showings in the opening primaries.
Coral Beach authorities stated that Thompson and his golf cart had been taken into custody. They stated that officers at the scene were unable to conduct a field sobriety test due to Thompson's inability to participate without the cart. A spokesperson for the police department announced that they would be forming a committee to investigate the feasibility of pressing charges.
Thompson's campaign staff had earlier in the day stated that he would not be offering an endorsement in the race. A number of witnesses, however, stated that Thompson could be heard laughing as he was being taken into custody by the police and shouting loudly, "Vote for Hillary! Vote for Hillary!"
Campaign staffers insisted that Thompson's statement was simply, "lost in translation".
01/22/08 Tony Soprano Named Head Coach of Dolphins
Miami, FL (APE) - "I'm happy to include them as part of the family," said new Miami Dolphins head coach Tony Soprano. Soprano takes over the worst Dolphins team in history at 1-15 for the 2007 season.
"I think I know what the people here in Miami are
capable of giving, and I'm excited about that," Soprano said in a news
conference earlier this week.
"When Bill(Parcells) and I discussed what we were looking for in a head coach, we were looking for real characters," stated general manager Jeff Ireland. "We wanted someone who understood how to develop real loyalty in young players, one who could instill a culture of consequences for not winning. We think we found that guy, we know we found that guy... forget about it."
Of the four candidates interviewed, three have mysteriously vanished, leaving Soprano as the best choice to be godfathered in as head of the organization.
01/18/08 Huckabee Attacked by Disgruntled Squirrel over Views on Confederate Flag
Clemson, SC (Rotters) - The Mike Huckabee campaign is said to be re-examining its southern strategy after the candidate was assaulted by a disgruntled squirrel in Clemson South Carolina today. The rodent was observed scurrying around light fixtures within the gym at Clemson University and then apparently leapt to attack Huckabee after he had made statements in support of states rights in regards to the flying of the controversial Confederate flag.
A Huckabee campaign spokesperson said it was not
clear at this time what had induced the squirrel to attack, but they were
relatively certain that revenge was not a motive in that it was not of a
species that Huckabee has admitted to eating in the past. "Unbelievably, the
little critter actually seemed to take issue over his remarks about the
Confederate flag," stated the campaign spokesperson.
The squirrel was captured, and wrestled to the ground thanks to an alert Chuck Norris, but not before the former Arkansas Governor suffered a number of scratches to the head and bites to his ears. Authorities have quarantined the animal to prevent the possible spread of disease. Huckabee was treated at the scene by EMS personnel and released.
"We'll be adjusting message a bit, but we do not anticipate any setbacks from this incident," stated a campaign spokesperson. "Security was very tight and we are at a loss to explain how the squirrel was able to get in... he had to have help anyway you figure it. Perhaps attack ads are not directed just at John McCain anymore."
DNC Chairman Howard Dean was contacted for a quote on the incident, and had this to say: "I don't profess to know much about squirrels and their behavior, but they're certainly into survival... and Mike Huckabee is arguably one of the biggest nuts there is."
01/14/08 Romney Announces Michigan GOTV Effort in Conjunction with Daily Kos
Detroit, MI (APE) - The Mitt Romney presidential campaign today announced that it would be taking the controversial move of embracing an effort by Democratic voters in Michigan affiliated with the progressive web blog Daily Kos to get out the vote for Michigan native Romney over his chief competitor for the state's presidential primary, Arizona Senator John McCain. The campaign stated that funding would be provided for Kos bloggers, known as "Kossacks", to provide transportation to and from precincts for Democratic voters wishing to cast their vote for Romney. This comes as former Michigan Gov. William Milliken announced his endorsement of McCain over Romney.
The GOTV campaign for Romney on the Daily Kos began
as a posting offered somewhat in jest by site owner Marcos Moulitsas Zuniga,
and has appeared to take on a life of its own. The Michigan Democratic Party
had been stripped of its delegates by the National Democratic Committee as
punishment for advancing the date of its primary. As a result, there are no
Democratic delegates up for grabs, and none of the Democratic presidential
candidates have campaigned in Michigan.
"The whole net roots concept is about enfranchising the little guy," stated Moulitsas. "We have a situation where Democrats in Michigan have been left out of the process due to the lack of participation by Democratic candidates. Fortunately there is an open primary in Michigan, and we're asking all Democrats to get out and vote for the Republican candidate we would be most likely to beat... and that's Mitt Romney."
Perhaps spurred by last-minute polling, or national coverage of the strategy on the MSNBC news show Countdown, the Romney campaign elected to go with the flow and accept the help offered by their mortal Democratic enemies.
"Are we dancing or communing with the Devil? Maybe so," stated a Romney campaign spokesperson, "but that's one of the strengths and experiences that Mitt brings to the table with his Mormonism... his comfort and ability to do just that."
01/14/08 Bush Concludes Mideast Visit in Egypt with Light Saber Rattling
Egypt (UPSI) - President Bush today concludes in Egypt his tour of the Middle East that the White House has characterized as "a stunningly successful wake-up call to America's allies." From impediments to the Israeli Palestine peace process to the ongoing conflicts in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Pakistan, the White House sought to refocus the blame on Tehran, which it considered the source of all problems in the area, and the last remaining country in its vaunted "Axis of Evil".
The Bush administration sought to promote a video
documented confrontation between Iranian speedboats and American naval
vessels in the Strait of Hormuz earlier in the week as evidence of Iran's
continued designs for war. The vetting of the video fell apart as the week
progressed with the Pentagon later admitting that it had spliced a
controversial narrative into the footage. It was later revealed that an
American serviceman was the source of the joking commentary. The Pentagon
has further steadfastly refuted claims from the Iranian government that the
boats in question were being used by the Iranian Olympic Waterski teams, and
that the trailing skiers had been digitally removed.
"We had not heard that," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino when questioned about the incident. "Answering questions about their past waterskiing activities is a step, but they still need to suspend their training and practice activity in the strait."
The White House's criticism of Iran occurred as the International Olympic Committee reported that Iranian delegates had promised to answer key questions within a month about their country's waterskiing aspirations. Iran also provided information about its efforts to develop an advanced waterski which would reduce drag more efficiently than a model it now uses.
Bush remained strangely silent over well-documented human rights abuses by Egypt, acknowledging only that there had been "setbacks" in the region. "You cannot win elections were opposition candidates themselves don't fear being harassed or sent to prison," stated Bush. "For decades, the people of America have seen their desire for liberty and justice denied at home and dismissed abroad in the name of stability."
01/10/08 Nano Nose Bra Makes For Bodacious TATA's
New Delhi, India (Rotters) - Indian automotive manufacturer TATA Motors yesterday unveiled its pledged $2500 car called the Nano at an automotive show in New Delhi. TATA insists that despite its looks and size they are predicting worldwide sales in the future that will tax their 500,000 car per year production capabilities. Basking in initially positive and exciting reviews, the manufacturer insisted that it had well researched strategies in place to make the car more attractive in foreign markets such as America.
One such strategy was unveiled at the auto show, as
TATA showed off its sexy, revealing nose bra for the new Nano. A TATA
spokesperson stated that the optional accessory was designed in secrecy and
in conjunction with the popular American lingerie manufacturer, Victoria's
"We will admit that the Nano is very flat and unattractive in the front," stated the TATA spokesperson. "What our designers and Victoria's Secret have come up with is nothing short of revolutionary. The bra lifts and separates the front end from the rear, allowing the headlights to peek out over the top of the cups in a very sexy manner. We will initially be offering black, and we soon hope to be the only company offering red with other colors soon to follow. Our research shows positive responses from both men and women in America."
Depending upon the success of their Nano nose bra line, TATA says that it is considering production of a new line of accessories for its popular Indigo XL luxury sedan. Preliminary talks are reportedly under way with the American restaurant chain Hooters to design a special "Bodacious TATA" edition of the Indigo XL.
01/09/08 MSNBC Premiers New Show Featuring Matthews and Tucker
New York, NY (O! Online) - In an attempt to address flaccid ratings in its once popular shows Hardball and Tucker, MSNBC today announced that it would be pairing the two hosts Chris Matthews and Tucker Carlson in a later evening show entitled The He-Man Woman Haters Club. The show will be a sendup of the classic Our Gang series of movies from the 1930s.
Carlson and Matthews will be let loose to spout
their own peculiar misogynistic brand of humor upon their late-night viewing
audience. MSNBC expects laughs galore as the two attempt to bully,
intimidate, and harass popular female guests to appear on their show.
The show will be interspersed with more serious breaking news coverage of murders and kidnappings of attractive blonde white women as events unfold.
MSNBC is reportedly in talks with Cable TV's Man Network to carry the show as well. There are rumors that the Fox network is considering a lawsuit alleging theft of intellectual property in an attempt to stop the new show.
01/07/08 Dr. Phil Charged with Attempted Hostage Taking in Britney Hospital Incident
Los Angeles, CA (APE) - 57 year old pop psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw was taken into custody by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and charged with attempted hostage taking. The charges arose as a result of a recent unsolicited visit to Pop singer Britney Spears at Cedars hospital. The 26-year-old Spears had apparently not agreed to McGraw's evaluation which had been requested by her parents. A spokesperson for McGraw had no comment on the charges.
The confrontational McGraw reportedly attempted to
bar her from leaving her own room and then aggressively pursued her as she
attempted to check herself out of the hospital against medical advice the
"This man should really know better than this," stated a spokesperson for the American Psychological Association. "The bottom line is that anyone 18 years or older has a right to refuse services, despite a parent's wishes. The APA already has a long list of grievances against "Dr. Phil", and this may wind up being the straw that breaks the analyst's couch."
A lawyer for Ms. Spears applauded the actions of hospital staff as well as the Los Angeles county sheriff's department in charging Dr. Phil. He stated that his team would be investigating the possibility of bringing a suit for damages against McGraw for mental suffering.
01/04/08 Hillary Vows to Meet Obama Campaign Head On after Iowa Loss
Des Moines, Iowa (Rotters) - Displaying grace in accepting defeat last night, Democratic presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton credited the Obama campaign with a fair and clean race. Speaking to her supporters, she then insisted that this was but the first battle in a long and protracted campaign. She vowed to meet Obama as well as her co-second-place finisher Senator John Edwards head-on in New Hampshire and throughout the remaining primaries.
"We had the same numbers in money, but they had more
numbers in people, and that made a difference," stated an anonymous Clinton
campaign spokesperson. "It's been a blessing to have Chelsea on board, but
who knew they could actually turn out that many young people. We're going to
be going back to the Internets in a bigger way over the next month."
In a related development, the Clinton campaign announced that it had acquired yet another corporate donor, Miralus Healthcare, proud manufacturers of the homeopathic remedies HeadOn and ActivOn. Miralus public relations and marketing staff will also be working closely with the campaign to promote the senator's message in a more effective way.
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