2005 Archive

12/30/05 Justice Dept. Concludes Domestic Spying Leak Probe

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced today that yesterday's announced investigation into leaking of classified information in regards to illegal, warrantless, and unconstitutional surveillance by the Bush administration has been officially closed. Gonzales stated that the investigation concluded rapidly and that the perpetrators were being rounded up as he spoke. Citing national security, he stated that he could not comment with further specifics on a formerly ongoing investigation which was not now ongoing but moving into the rendition phase that he could neither confirm nor deny. He did however state that the perpetrators would not be tortured in any way, shape, or form outside of the definitions established by the administration.

Gonzalez went on to explain that the investigation was initiated from within the Department of Justice and not at the behest of President Bush who was informed later. He stated that the President was happy and excited with the results of the investigation and was in agreement with forgoing any type of open trial or prosecution. He stated that the Department of Justice would be working closely with the CIA for dispositions in the case, and that the President's desire and indeed, executive privilege, to not know would be kept up to the minute.

Gonzalez also stated that the two-year investigation and impending prosecutions in the Valerie Plame affair would be likely circumvented through the fruits of his investigation. He stated that the original leaker of Ms. Plame's undercover identity was also caught up in this most recent investigation's net, and that Scooter Libby would likely be having all charges against him dropped and his position reinstated within the week.

In a possibly related story, half of the editorial board for the New York Times and the Washington Post vanished last night, leaving family members dumbfounded. The New York Times this morning announced the rehiring and promotion of Judith Miller as editor-in-chief.

White House spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, "The leaking of classified malfeasance is a serious issue. When the fact that George W. Bush has no playbook is printed on the front page, that has serious ramifications."

Attempts were made to contact independent legal experts for commentary on today's developments but everyone contacted stated that they were in hiding and that it would be foolish to comment.

 

12/29/05 "Rendition and Torture Began Under Clinton," says Bush

 

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush today accused the Clinton administration of instituting not only the controversial CIA rendition program but questionable torture practices as well during his administration. Bush cited a former CIA veteran Michael Scheuer who was yesterday quoted in a German newsweekly Die Zeit as stating that the Clinton administration had begun the controversial rendition program in the mid-90s.

In spontaneous remarks to reporters prior to boarding Marine One on the first leg of yet another trip to Crawford Texas, Bush produced what he said was evidence that the controversial torture policies had begun under Clinton as well. Displaying a set of chrome plated handcuffs, Bush stated, "Lara and I first found these underneath the bed in our bedroom when we first moved in to the White House and didn't really know what to make of them. You gotta ask yourself why would they be under that bed."

Bush continued, "Now I will admit that prior to 9/11, we did find that this whole rendition idea was a good one... and... oh, I'm sorry. Did I say prior to 9/11? I meant after... anyhow, I think the record clearly shows that this administration got it right. If we had also had our aggressive wiretaps in place we might have come even closer to preventing 9/11 than we did. But that is no excuse for the torture that we may or may not be uncovering and appears to have begun under the previous administration."

When asked by reporters why he had kept the handcuffs a secret for over five years Bush claimed that it was out of respect for the office. When asked why he was quoting a report from a German newspaper on a story not carried in any other American news outlets other than Fox News, Bush abruptly smile, waved, ended the press conference and boarded the helicopter.

Former President Clinton, reached for comment, labeled Bush's remarks as the last desperate acts of a scoundrel. He stated, "Who are you going to believe... a man who tried to keep a consensual affair a secret, or a man who freely admitted to and endorsed branding fraternity pledges with a red-hot coat hanger?"

 

12/27/05 White House Aids Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith has found a new fan in the White House. Embroiled in a lawsuit over the estate of her late husband, Texas oil millionaire J. Howard Marshall II, her legal team was contacted by the White House with an offer to help represent her before her latest appeal to the Supreme Court.

A Bush administration spokesman insists that they want only to represent Ms. Smith in regards to technicalities and a position that argues that the justices should protect federal court jurisdiction in disputes.

Ms. Smith likely will attend the hour long argument on February 28. The Bush administration expressed hope that Judge Samuel Alito, a long-standing supporter of strip searches, will be installed by that time.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan reluctantly admitted that the president is a longtime fan of Ms. Smith and enjoys watching her on television in between football games.

There are a number of similarities between Bush and Smith. Both grew up in Texas and largely benefited throughout their lives through scandal and innuendo. Smith was a ninth-grade dropout and Bush successfully bluffed his way through a degree at Yale. Both have had some public and not so public struggles with substance abuse.

There are differences. Bush has a predilection and penchant for torture, while Smith is strictly into self exposure.

McClellan read a statement from the president, "My heart goes out to this poor woman, whom I might add is the latest member of the Pioneers and Rangers. I have daughters too, and it would really pain me to have to see them go through the same experience."

 

 

12/24/05 First Lady Addresses White House Leaking

Camp David, MD (Rotters) - Known for for her appropriate and thoughtful gift giving, First Lady Laura Bush today surprised the president at Camp David with a Christmas present that got a huge laugh and a hug from him. She stated that she had become concerned over recent revelations of the president's double secret domestic spying program, and the effect that it was having on White House leaking in general. She was very concerned over growing White House staff incontinence and the degree to which they kept the president from staying on target.

The first lady came up her own version of a "constitutional amendment" which she felt would support her husband's policy on continued domestic spying and help clean up the messy leaks around both the White House and Camp David. The plumbing in both facilities was long overdue for an overhaul, she stated.

Interestingly, the program initially seems to have had the opposite effect upon the number of leaks, as they seem to have increased by an order of magnitude. However, while the raw number of leaks has increased, they appear to be much more effectively contained.

"As men get older," Mrs. Bush stated, "you've got to expect some of this. Great leaders and diplomats are only as effective as their abilities to prostate themselves."

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that the First Lady's gift was a huge hit at the White House and at Camp David, and that plans are in the works to extend her "constitutional amendments" into both houses in Congress and the judicial branch facilities. "Morale has skyrocketed around here," he stated. "A lot of the feisty spirit has returned to the president, and he has already gotten into a number of pissing contests with staffers. The bottom line, is that the leaking has been contained, and America is safer."

 


12/23/05
Apologies To Any Offended Catholics...

but I really don't think its a good idea for the Pope to be wearing funny, red fur trimmed hats at Christmastime...

 

 

12/21/05 Boy George Bets No Delay Case

Washington, DC (O! Online) - Boy George just got a big bag of Christmas switches from a Texas judge. The "Political Capital" President's prediction that the money laundering case against Republican fundraiser and former House majority leader Tom Delay would be resolved quickly with Mr. Delay's innocence has just been extended well into the new year.

The extension ironically, came at the request of the defense, who was seeking to have charges against Mr. Delay dropped. Boy George is currently outside of his native Crawford, Texas, working on excuses and alibis, per his lawyer.

The year 59-year-old former Yale cheerleader, whose real name is George W. Bush, was busted last week, when he admitted to the nation that he had been illegally wiretapping American citizens for almost 3 years.

When the Capitol Hill police arrived, they found multiple video links to the bedrooms of prominent Democratic leaders on his computer, and he was placed under White House arrest. It is speculated that he will be later charged with treason and criminal transgression of constitutional amendments to the nth degree.

Boy George has maintained his innocence throughout the matter, claiming that the video feeds were his right as president at time of war.

His attorney, Harriet Myers, blames the bust on political posturing over her client's busy and patriotic lifestyle. She told the Washington Post in October that Boy George, "Had a lot of people under surveillance at the White House. People who have nothing to hide don't object to wiretapping."

The president has also battled drug abuse in the past. He had experimented with cocaine and marijuana in the 1970s and 80s and was convicted of a DWI in the 70s. He claims to have kicked the habit through Evangelical Christianity and spoke elusively about it during his campaign in 2000.

The Delay decision opens the possibility for more plea bargains from witnesses in both this case and the pending Abramoff scandal which may implicate half of the Republicans in Washington.

If pursued in earnest, Boy George should certainly face impeachment at a minimum, and at a maximum, many years in prison.

 

 

12/21/05 Intelligent Design Unconstitutional: Church of FSM Vows to Fight on

Dover, PA (Rotters) - Pastafarians around the world were sent reeling yesterday by a ruling from Federal Judge John E. Jones III. In a sweeping 139 page opinion, Judge Jones killed off the latest environmental adaptation of creationism termed "intelligent design". Religious fundamentalists had high hopes for this species, but in the end it's minor adaptations over creationism could not withstand the rigors of the harsh academic environment for which it had evolved.

While not directly involved in this issue, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster had been watching the case intently, as it indirectly affected their push to have "spaghetti monsterism" taught alongside "evolution" and "intelligent design". FSM spokesperson Dread Pirate Roberts vowed that the fight would go on. "By His noodly appendages, this will not stand. This is just a minor setback. We have on record none other than the president of the United States George W. Bush, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, and Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum in support of blending faith with science, and we will prevail in the end."

Roberts stated that Pastafarians would be celebrating their usual weekly religious holiday on Friday with intensive prayer and pasta communions. "This is just the latest round of anti-carbohydratism from activist judges and dietitians in this country. We had hoped that with the death of Dr. Robert Atkins we might see a decrease in persecution."

John West a spokesman for the Discovery Institute, an organization based in Seattle, Washington, which is spearheading a movement to push Christianity into the laboratory and bring scientists to heel admitted, "We were a little queasy about the Dover school board action because it went too far. We are probably a little more queasy with the Church of FSM and their goals because they are a little al dente for our taste."

Roberts said in conclusion that the fight to reverse global warming, earthquakes, and hurricanes would continue. "Recruitment is increasing, as we see daily in the news off the coasts of South America, Asia, and Africa. Our prediction is that this judicial setback will have the opposite effect and increase exposure and interest in our cause. To His greater glory I say, Ramen."

 

 

12/20/05 Bush Demonstrates Determination to Continue Unconstitutional Wiretaps: Requires Sutures

Washington, DC (APE) - In a rare, and seemingly unscripted question and answer session with White House reporters, President Bush yesterday admitted to over 30 instances of illegal wiretaps since 2001. He petulantly insisted to reporters present that his actions were justified, and that he will indeed continue the behavior, citing national security concerns.

In multiple references, Mr. Bush cited classified cases in which the wiretaps had saved millions of lives. The president also had very harsh words for the New York Times in regards to its recent divulging of the existence of his double secret illegal program. Bush pointed out that this was sending the wrong message to terrorists who were stupid enough to assume that America hadn't been monitoring their activities by all means possible all along.

Bush became slightly agitated towards the end of the conference when fielding a question over the FBI's recently revealed illegal monitoring of domestic peace activists, protest groups, and other environmental and animal rights activist groups. "The enemy is just biding its time and waiting for the right opportunity to attack us again," stated the president. "At least that's what we're hearing... these are evil killers who are trying to play mind games on us all, and on some of our own citizens it seems to be working."

Bush then reached under the podium from which he was speaking and produced an empty aluminum drinking can and smash it against his forehead for emphasis. He stated, "This is the message that I would send to Al Qaeda and anybody here in America who wants to cause us harm... you will be crushed." Very shortly afterwards the president started bleeding profusely from a 3 cm laceration, abruptly ending the press conference. The laceration reportedly required seven sutures to close, and was performed under topical anesthetic at the White House.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that the president tolerated the procedure well and was resting. He insisted that at no point had the president lost consciousness and there had been no need for a transfer of powers to Vice President Cheney who was visiting in Afghanistan. He stated that even if the president had lost consciousness there was no conflict in leadership with the vice president out of the country as Karl Rove had remained in the White House all along.

 

12/17/05 Ashley Simpson Collapses in Tokyo

Tokyo, Japan (O!) - "Catch Me When I Fall" singer, Ashley Simpson, today passed out in Tokyo just after leaving the stage from a performance. In an ironic twist of fate Honda Inc. happened to be appearing at the same venue with their futuristic robot Asimo, who was able to catch Ms. Simpson as she fell.

Unnamed sources close to the family stated that the likely cause for the fainting spell was exhaustion. Ms. Simpson has been driven to prove herself to fans after an infamous lip syncing incident on Saturday Night Live last year. It is not known whether this played a part in the incident.

Honda Inc. has graciously offered to have Asimo complete Ms. Simpson's Japan tour and to continue further if need be, and negotiations are underway. Audiences were stunned as Asimo performed Ms. Simpson's next show meticulously and flawlessly. Complaints of possible lip syncing largely went unprotested. Asimo further dazzled the audience by telling an adoring autograph seeking fan to kiss its footpad, and later confessed to Popular Science Magazine that it had suffered from a minor power consumption glitch almost a decade ago when it was first taking walking lessons.

In the meantime, Asimo's possible appearance on Monday's Radio Music Awards in place of Ms. Simpson in Las Vegas is dependent upon negotiations between Honda and Ms. Simpson's managers.

 

12/16/05 Ahmadinejad: America is 'real threat'

Tehran, Iran (Algae-Zebra) - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called America a real threat, and urged it to prove Tehran seeks nuclear weapons.

His comments Wednesday came amid an escalating war of words with Washington, whose hardline President George W Bush has stoked outrage in the middle east by calling Iran an "Axis of Evil" in the world and saying that the deaths of any more than 30,000 civilians in Iraq is a myth.

Asked how he would deal with America, Ahmadinejad  replied: "We continue to work the diplomatic front."

"I'm concerned about theocracy that has got little transparency, a country whose president has declared the destruction of Iran as part of their foreign policy, and a country that will not listen to the demands of the free world to get rid of its ambitions to use a nuclear weapon," said Ahmadinejad .

Asked whether he had a message for authorities in Washington,  Ahmadinejad said: "I would hope they'd be wise enough to begin to listen to the people and allow the people to participate in their government."

 

 

12/12/05 The Wizard of Oil

CLICK HERE TO BE TRANSPORTED TO THE LAND OF OIL!

 

12/12/05 Iraq Prison Raid Finds More Inhumane Treatment

Baghdad, Iraq (Rotters) - A combined Iraqi American task force raided a suspected government detention center last Thursday in Baghdad, and discovered over 600 prisoners crammed into the tiny location, with 13 of them requiring hospitalization secondary to apparent mistreatment. US forces are refusing comment as to what manner of abuse the prisoners might have been subjected to. The facility is apparently under the auspices of a commando unit of the Department of the Interior Ministry. This comes after the discovery last month of 169 malnourished and tortured prisoners.

The interim Baghdad government has insisted upon an apology from the US forces over this latest incident. The government insists that the task force in actuality raided an early vote polling station for the upcoming Iraqi elections. The government insisted that it is making every effort to assure that all citizens are allowed to vote, including the elderly, the hospitalized, and prisoners. Upon casting their votes for the current Shi'ite ruling party 56 Sunni prisoners were released after Iraqi judges determined there was no longer any need to hold them. 75 have been transferred to the central Rusafa Prison, where they will be afforded the right to vote again, as discrepancies were found on their voter registration forms. Adel al-Lami, the director general of the electoral commission, urged, "Please stay away from political conspiracies. There is no political reason for this."

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "It is exciting to see the Iraqis fully embracing an American style of democracy. It is also heartwarming to see a proud group of Iraqis willing to endure such torturous conditions, just to be able to cast their vote in a free election. American voters would do well to remember this, the next time they face a long line at their precinct station. The Bush administration apologizes wholeheartedly for any mistakes made by American forces in this incident. Indeed, our boots on the ground have been reassigned and instructed to help facilitate in whatever means possible the upcoming Iraqi election process."

 

 

12/11/05 Barney Dead at 5

Washington, DC (APE) - White House staffers were stunned to find the dead and frozen body of the president's beloved dog Barney in the snow on the lawn outside of the Rose Garden. Photographic evidence indicates that Barney became drunk sometime late last night and passed out on the lawn, but the White House would neither confirm nor deny this. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that they would be cooperating fully with an investigation from the Capitol Hill branch of the ASPCA. Barney becomes the second presidential dog to die under somewhat mysterious circumstances since President Bush took office.

An independent veterinarian who wished to remain anonymous speculated that Barney may have become depressed, and fed up with his roles in propaganda for the White House, and specifically two holiday movie appearances. "Many pet owners don't realize how perceptive and vulnerable their pets can be," she stated. "Unquestioning loyalty can sometimes take a toll. Barney appears to have been a very good dog who was forced to be bad. You can see this type of behavior sometimes in people with alcoholic families, where the true alcoholic refuses competent treatment. Truly the old axiom of pets beginning to resemble their masters does seem to apply."

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan dismissed such speculations out of hand as a further politicizing of tragedy at the hands of Democrats. "Clearly this appears to be an accidental tragedy," stated McClellan. "As I said, the staff is cooperating fully with the investigation, will submit to voluntary water boarding if needed. We are at a loss to explain how this might have happened."

Barney was 5 and leaves behind an adoring wife Beasley, age 1. Funeral plans were not available at this time and the president refused further comment.

 

12/10/05 Giant Ape Storms Manhattan Again !

New York, New York (UPSI) - New Yorkers will be continuing their Christmas shopping next week under a barrage of promotionals exhorting them to look to the skies. The Big Ape is returning to the Big Apple with all the pomp and pageantry befitting a multimillion dollar Hollywood production.

President George W. Bush will be returning to New York next week to address the New York State Republican Party and raise funds for political candidates there. His planned speech will again touch on the themes of staying the course in Iraq, and refer once again to the terrorist attack on 9/11.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "The administration would caution the citizens of New York and all Americans in these holiday times to be thankful for their peace and security. At the same time, they must be ever vigilant of that next terrorist commandeered airliner, and realize that waving the white flag of surrender as Democrats would have us do, will just make the attack more likely. There is no better fear than fear itself, and it keeps us safe."

McClellan smirked at questions over the appropriateness of this latest campaign. "Our polls show that Americans love to see their president waving a flag and holding a piece of wreckage... heck, 63% of them agree with our old policy of extreme rendition and interrogation," he stated. "This is patriotism at its finest, and the press just needs to get with the program."

 

12/09/05 Rice Wins European Reprieve over Secret CIA Prisons

Brussels, Belgium (Rotters) - European nations seem to have backed off heated criticism of the United States over charges of detainee abuse and secret CIA jails. The White House is set to welcome the victorious, secretive Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice after her five day multinational tour. Critics were amazed as, through Ms. Rice, the Bush administration seemed to smooth over previous difficulties and convince others of sincere US policy changes in regards to torture.

"Rice and her counterparts were successful at creating an image of perceived complicity," said Charles Upchuck of the Washington-based think tank the Council on Foreign Relations. "By the Bush administration exposing themselves, European governments had to back away from inciting further public pressure."

With the issue seemingly put to rest, Washington Post sources today further noted a dramatic increase in flights of the CIA planes which they had been tracking, moving from North Africa back into eastern Europe.

US officials said that Rice made some headway in water boarding the debate in Europe after weeks of media challenges to the administration on abuse and torture. "It is a debate that we will continue to stifle, but at least we have ended the news cycle with no more immaculately referenced investigations," said a senior State Department official who asked to remain anonymous.

In apparently unrelated news Austrian Chancellor Wolfgang Schusssel, on a visit to Washington, took some heat over breaking claims in the European press that he had fathered a love child with an illegal immigrant Muslim housekeeper. NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer also attempted to "clear the air" over new charges that he was the mastermind behind an illegal Swedish pornography ring. New German Prime Minister Andrea Merkle struggled for the second day in Berlin to refute claims made in the popular press that she is bisexual.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan delightfully pointed out that the president's poll numbers appear to be rebounding over news of the economy and the results of Ms. Rice's trip. "The president is also happy to have Karl Rove back in the saddle and by his side," stated McClellan. "Much of the credit for Ms. Rice's successful diplomatic trip should go to him."

 

12/07/05 Professor Cleared of Eight Terror Charges

Tampa, FL (APE) - In a stunning setback for federal prosecutors and the USA Patriot Act, a federal jury today cleared a former professor of 8 of 17 charges. The professor was cleared on over half of the most serious charges, including conspiring to produce bomb making materials, and conspiring to maim and murder people overseas. Professor Roy Hinkley was noted to be tearful, yet jubilant as he hugged his defense attorney after the verdict.

While cleared of the most serious charges, the jury remained deadlocked on some others, and the professor will be remanded back into custody while prosecutors debate whether or not to move forward on the remaining charges. The professor was immediately whisked away back to an undisclosed secured island location where he has been held in custody since being charged almost 3 years ago.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, currently on her "Apology-Palooza" tour of European Union nations refused to to comment if the island location was one of the secret CIA prisons that the administration has grudgingly acknowledged that they will neither confirm or deny exist. "I refuse to compromise national security over this," Ms. Rice stated. "It is common knowledge that the ongoing war against terror has moved into the Pacific, and some of these islands have become front-line battlegrounds. People need to understand that in all things the United States government abides by local ordinances and the professor and his crew have been afforded all rights guaranteed them under their local constitution. When and if the United States government makes a mistake we will make every attempt to assure that it is not just cast away."

Five of the professor's co-conspirators were acquitted of all charges by the jury, but have not as yet been released by the government. A sixth co-conspirator's charges of money laundering and SEC violations deadlocked the jury, and as with the professor, prosecutors will begin debate over whether he will be retried. His wife was apparently cleared of all charges.

Throughout the six-month trial, jurors were shown thousands of documents, some written on bits of palm fronds and tree bark. They also reviewed recordings of actual bits of intercepted AM radio traffic, and viewed the very banana and coconut powered radio that had been modified by the professor for transmission. Some of the most damning evidence was the professor's handwritten formulas for distilling and manufacturing explosive compounds out of commonly available desert island materials, and this was apparently one of the main issues over which the jury deadlocked for some time.

A juror who wished to remain anonymous, stated, "Mr. Hinkley is an extraordinary man. I never would've believed that you could get high explosive compounds out of bananas and coconuts, and I guess I still don't... but the government had a sort of believable argument."

An anonymous Bush administration spokesperson acknowledged that this was a huge setback for the Patriot Act. Efforts are now underway to possibly rename the block of legislation so as not to further sully the term "patriot". In light of the declining fortunes of the NFL team of the same name, as well as the tarnished reputation of the military's antimissile system, it is felt that a renaming of the act to salvage it may be warranted. The government is also reportedly considering makeovers for the terms "freedom" and "democracy".

 

12/05/05 Bush Receives Partial Face Transplant

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush, notably absent from Washington, DC this weekend resurfaced today after a secret trip from Paris France, where he apparently underwent a partial face transplant at the hands of Dr. Jean-Michael Dubernard. Bush becomes the second person in history in rapid succession to undergo the groundbreaking procedure, and both patients appear to be doing well. The first patient who as yet remains anonymous had her face severely mauled by a pet Labrador earlier this year. Bush apparently suffered from long-term damage as a result of chronic substance abuse as a younger man.

Both patients were apparently the beneficiaries of partial face donations from anonymous donors.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "We have been following the president's condition for quite some time and only recently did we begin to become concerned. The procedure was undertaken as much for national security as for cosmetic purposes. Psychologically the president has been suffering for some time in regards to staying the course in Iraq and sticking with some difficult choices in regards to interrogation techniques. It had come to the point where everyone agreed that the president was very much in need of more of a stiff upper lip. This administration and the country is deeply indebted to Dr. Dubernard for this landmark procedure."

Dr. Dubernard maintained that the president has thus far made a remarkable recovery. Swelling has been kept to a minimum and the president appears to be tolerating the drug regimen designed to keep his body from rejecting his new face. Presidential aides voiced concerns over some contractures noticed around the lips, but were reassured by Dr. Dubernard.

Not much information is being released in regards to the president's facial donor, other than to state that the person is elderly, rapidly approaching the end of his life, and has very little public contact and therefore in no need of a face on a regular basis. The donor is being maintained in a highly secured, yet undisclosed location.
 

 

12/03/05 Bush Administration Angered at NASA's Apparent Support for AIDS Day

Cape Kennedy, FL (UPSI) - The Bush administration today registered its extreme displeasure with the head of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. In the early dawn hours, NASA reported the successful liftoff of Trojan 1, a program designed to further the protection of the space shuttle's solid fuel boosters. As the launch was performed on international AIDS Day, the Bush administration openly expressed anger over the message inadvertently sent to the rest of the world in regards to condom usage.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "This administration is all in favor of the protection of NASA's astronauts but we would much prefer that NASA simply abstained from future missions rather than relying on external protection. It has always been our policy that this type of protection will just promote further risky endeavors."

Trojan 1, a program undertaken in conjunction with Boing is exploring the possibility of prophylactic protection of the solid fuel rocket boosters with a durable, space-age disposable latex covering. Foam has lead to a disastrous outcome in regards to the Columbia disaster, and very nearly an unwanted outcome in the most recent shuttle mission.

NASA engineers also point out the added benefit of this concept should the shuttle encounter a premature discharge of the solid fuel rocket boosters as that which happened in the Challenger disaster. Trojan 1 explored the utility of NASA's innovative reservoir tip for just such a scenario. It is felt that the reservoir would be able to contain any premature discharge until astronauts were able to pull out and abort the mission. Future missions are scheduled to explore the aerodynamic benefits of ribbing versus fluting.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan again bristled at this concept. "This administration has made this very clear," he stated, "The president is somewhat pro-choice, but he remains anti-abortion in most all situations. Abortions are a drain on our government and they just flat out send the wrong message. A lifetime commitment and preservation of the sanctity of the shuttle vehicle is by far the cheaper and better option."

NASA administrator Michael Griffin stated that this morning's launch apparently coinciding with international AIDS Day was merely coincidence. He stated that NASA really had no formal policy in regards to sexual activity and sexually transmitted diseases. He did, however, state that NASA remains on the forefront in the world in space-sexual exploration. Coed crews have afforded a wealth of classified information in regards to the logistics involved in interstellar copulation. When asked to comment about popular reports of a "100 Mile High Club", Griffin smiled and simply stated "no comment."

 

12/02/05 Breaking: CIA Transport Plane in Trouble over Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

Guantánamo Bay, Cuba (Rotters) - A controversial CIA prisoner transport plane is apparently in trouble over Guantánamo Bay Cuba. The plane, immediately after takeoff, reportedly had trouble with completely retracting the nose gear. It has been circling the base and airfield for approximately the last hour engaged in multiple attempts to retract the gear. At present, attempts to work with the nose gear have been abandoned and the plane has begun dumping fuel at sea in preparation for an emergency landing. President Bush has been apprised of the situation at the White House and is watching as events unfold on television.

A Rotters photographer and a reporter happened to be at the base working on a report about the controversial Camp Delta when they caught this exclusive photo. The photo shows prisoners being thrown overboard at low altitude in an attempt to save them. No parachutes were seen and a military spokesperson confirmed that the crew were still on board and apparently safe.

This unfortunate incident occurs as secretary of state Condoleezza Rice journeys to Europe to address concerns from EU members over the United States apparent use of European airspace to transport prisoners for torture, as well as maintaining clandestine facilities on European soil for the purpose of interrogation with torture techniques.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "This should serve as an example for the world that the United States, contrary to irresponsible rumors, does maintain the highest standards in the world in regards to the care for and respect of enemy combatants. At this point in time we are optimistic and expect a safe outcome. The President's thoughts and prayers are with those who remain on board."

 

11/30/05 Bush Unveils Strategy for Victory in Iraq Christmas Catalog

Annapolis, MD (APE) - President Bush today spoke to the midshipmen of the Naval Academy in Annapolis Maryland in the first of three planned speeches to begin reselling the war in Iraq to America. The White House hoped that the President by acting today would be able to beat the Christmas rush. Overall Christmas sales have been lackluster so far, after an initial rush of bargain hunters, so it is felt that the White House may have a good chance.

The White House also today released a glossy 35 page catalog of admittedly recycled and retooled merchandise in the hopes that this may also increase sales. The catalog features merchandise which is guaranteed to appeal to those in supportive of the war effort in Iraq as well as the positions and policies of the Bush administration. The centerpiece of the collection is a Christmas tree decoration kit which will allow the home user to have a tree just like that on display in the White House. Christmas celebrants will then be able to show their support for the administration's definitions of interrogation.

Another hot item from the catalog this Christmas, promises to be an autographed copy of "The Code of Military Conduct" by Donald Rumsfeld. A must-have for any serviceman overseas, it includes triplicate forms for reporting any civilian abuses to higher command, and tips upon how to avoid personal intervention.

White House presidential assistant Karl Rove admits that he is the point man for this campaign. "Our goal," he stated, "is it to push back against this "Liberal Conspiracy" and put Bush back into Christmas."

Merchandise is available for cash or through the administration's
"Political Capital Card". Those using the Political Capital Card are eligible for a significant discount.
 

 

11/29/05 President Speaks to Air Force in Tucson

Tucson, AZ (UPSI) - President Bush yesterday addressed a hand picked cadre of crack airmen at a small, undisclosed hangar on Davis-Monthan Air force base in Tucson Arizona. Topics included the issue of border security, and his controversial proposals for what amounts to amnesty for illegal immigrants. He also used the occasion to announce one of the largest retraining and reassignment projects in US military history.

"We have a solemn duty", stated Bush, "to continue the war on terror in Iraq and honor those that have fallen before us. As we struggle to keep boots on the ground, some of our fine young men and women have repeated multiple tours of duty without complaint. To support them, and continue the fight, our boots in the air and behind the desks are going to become boots on the ground."



Bush went on to elaborate about the Pentagon's plans to begin massive retraining and reassignment of clerical and other support services throughout the military. The goal will be to maintain current forces in Iraq and allow for well-earned rotations stateside for regular military and national guardsmen and women, some of whom have been in Iraq approaching two years now. Military spokesman stressed that this is in no way a sign of weakness or diminished recruitment. They stated also that while this would be a big undertaking, the existing "Army behind the Army" is already in place and well up to the task.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "We believe that this change in tactics will be sending the right message to America that the president has heard the concerns of the people and pleas for returning our troops home. This sends the message that indeed great progress is being made in Iraq and we are entering the "mopping up" or "cleaning up" phase, if you will. Our troops will be home just as soon as Iraq is able to clean house for itself."

President Bush concluded, "For those who would criticize this move, I say to you now that I will stand for no disrespect towards our proud, fighting clerical and support troops. They understand more than anyone what is at stake and are eager and honored to perform their new duties. For the few out there among them who may disagree, and might feel that this is not the duty that they signed up for, I would remind them simply of this... this is MY stapler."

 

 

11/26/05 President Bush Nearly Addresses Sheehan Protest Group

Crawford, TX (Rotters) - President George W. Bush this morning was attempting to address a crowd of supporters at his ranch and very nearly wound up addressing Cindy Sheehan's Camp Casey antiwar activist movement. The president was out with his dog Barney for an early morning walk and noticed the arrays of crosses and tents about a mile from his ranch and made the assumption that this was the site for the pro-Bush war rally scheduled to occur later in the day.

Accompanying Secret Service agents quickly cautioned the president who then grabbed Barney and hurried away from the area and back towards his ranch compound. This, however, was not before Barney apparently accidentally desecrated one of the memorials. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that they had apologized to Ms. Sheehan's camp through certain channels. "We are indeed very sorry over this incident," stated McClellan, "Barney is a small dog with a small bladder, and he's pretty easily startled. This was certainly not done intentionally. The president was attempting to make a surprise visit to the pro Bush camp and made the natural assumption that the much larger encampment would be in favor of him."

The accidental desecration went unnoticed until afterwards by Sheehan supporters. An anonymous spokesperson for the camp stated that no real harm was done, and that the memorial in question was quickly cleaned off. "Barney was scared, and just does what dogs normally do sometimes in that situation," she stated, "but we all should remember that old saying about how dogs eventually come to resemble their masters."

This latest example of a leadership void has dogged the president with an air of incompetence that has been unleashed since he was locked into and barred from leaving a press conference in Beijing last week. Bush has remained in isolation on his 1600 acre ranch on a six day Thanksgiving holiday, attempting to recover from his diplomatic vacation to Asia.

Bush is currently facing some of the most difficult times of his presidency, with Democrats and some Republicans openly questioning the facts and reasoning which led to the war in Iraq in the first place, and demanding major course changes. Secretary of state Condoleezza Rice earlier this week cited the uncovering of a secret torture bunker in Baghdad recently as positive evidence that America may soon be able to draw down some of their forces in the coming year. She stated, "I suspect that American forces are not going to be needed in the numbers that they're there for all that much longer, because Iraqis are continuing to make progress in function, not just in numbers, but in their capabilities to do certain functions."

 

11/24/05 Insurgents Attack Balloons at Macy's Parade, Injuring Two

New York, NY (Rotters) - Insurgents struck today in New York City at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Fortunately only two minor injuries were reported. Native American insurgents targeted the giant balloons with bows and arrows from the sidewalks and brought down 10 of them before dispersing quietly into the crowds. Police have been confiscating still and video cameras in an effort to track down those responsible.

No group has officially stepped forward to take responsibility for the attack but rumor has it is that this was in response to the perceived insult of the traditional celebration of Thanksgiving which marks what many describe as historically the beginning of an American Indian genocide at the hands of white men. Also in the news recently there has been the high profile trial of Tom Delay's former associate Jack Abramoff on the charges of bilking over $80 million from two separate Indian tribes.

A police spokesman was quoted as saying that the strike took the police forces completely off guard and that the 10 balloons were downed virtually before anyone was able to react. Included among the casualties were Kermit the Frog, SpongeBob, the Rugrats, Dora the Explorer, the Cat in the Hat, and the M&M's chocolate candies. "It happened so fast," said a spectator. "They dropped like rocks."

The current Bush administration has a long-standing history of neglect in regards to Indian affairs and it was further speculated that this may have been part of the reason for the attack. A spokesperson for Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff stated that they were taken aback by the effectiveness of such extremely low tech weaponry. The archers were also reportedly using hollow pointed and shafted arrows, not unlike the theory behind the spike strips that police use to flatten the tires of suspects in high-speed chases.

Homeland security and the Bush administration afterwards seemed to continue to circle the wagons and defend the effectiveness of their response to the attack. They maintained that the those that perpetrated this attack would be caught and brought to justice. There was no official word as to whether the terror alert level would be raised over the incident.

 

 

11/24/05 Cruise Demonstrates Katie's Sonogram Machine

New York, NY (APE) - Tom Cruise today unveiled the new sonogram machine that he purchased for his fiancée Katie Holmes. The purchase was recently discussed with Barbara Walters and will air on November 29 on ABC's "Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005". Excerpts of the interview are published in the latest issue of Feeble magazine.
 

The 43-year-old actor revealed that the couple elected to purchase the sonogram machine endorsed by the Church of Scientology. Cruise has been frequently condemned for his outspoken opinions against psychiatry and in support of the Church of Scientology of which he is a long-standing member. The Church of Scientology as well as the controversial concept of Dianetics were founded by noted deceased science-fiction author L. Ron Hubbard.



Cruise said that the machine cost $400,000, nearly twice as much as a typical top-of-the-line sonogram machine, but states that he feels that it was worth it. The machine was actually purchased from the Church of Scientology and Cruise announced that it will be donated back to the church upon the birth of their child. The couple will use the machine to monitor the fetal growth of their unborn child, and Cruise states that this particular machine has the added advantage of being able to "clear" an unborn child while in the womb.



The proud father then showed off the first picture obtained from their new machine. "It's a little too early to tell whether it's a boy or a girl," said Cruise, "But the baby appears to be healthy. I can't really tell whether it looks more like me or Katie, but it sure does appear to be awfully reclusive. I had a dickens of a time trying to get it to remain still for the picture. It kept turning away and it was almost as if it was trying to hide."

The couple will be married sometime in the coming summer or fall, and the child will arrive after it has been completely cleared.

 

11/24/05 Gonzales on Padilla, an Exclusive Interview

Washington, DC (Charade Magazine) - Attorney General Alberto "Abu" Gonzales granted an exclusive interview today to Charade reporter Iyam Pistoff after the recent indictment of Jose Padilla. The interview follows in it's entirety:

Pistoff: Thank you for speaking with me today Mr. Gonzales, but first, I must ask, "Why Charade, and why me in particular?"

Gonzales: Please, call me Abu, like my friends do. As you know, with the recent resignation of Judith Miller and last year's resignation of Jeff Gannon, this administration has really been suffering at the hands of the liberal media. What with the scandals in regards to payola by this administration that have been alleged in the past, we're simply looking to rebuild a few burned bridges. You may find that this could really be worth your while.

Pistoff: OK. Well, what can you tell us about the indictment of Mr. Padilla?

Gonzales: As we said at the press conference yesterday, unfortunately there is not a lot that we can talk about legally as we gear up for prosecution. I do want to stress that while many Americans may be disappointed that Mr. Padilla was not charged with the specific plots to which he and hundreds of others have confessed and implicated each other with, this is one evil dude. We simply found that it would be far too risky to reveal the interrogation techniques used to uncover this vast conspiracy.

Pistoff: Many have claimed that the interrogation techniques that you speak of include torture, would you care to comment about that?

Gonzales: No. Just kidding! I wish that there was some way that we could just beat this into the American public... this administration does not condone torture of anyone as it is legally defined. We have worked hard to define it in such a way as to maximize its fear factor and propaganda value in the ongoing war against terror. Do we use some extreme interrogation techniques? Yes, absolutely, when there is an imminent risk to American lives. But rest assured, any requests for such techniques are approved through a sanctioned Water Board.

Pistoff: Many in America are upset that it has taken over three years for Mr. Padilla to have his "day in court", Abu. Why has it taken the government so long to make its case?

Gonzales: I'm glad you asked that. The Department of Justice has been stretched a little thin with the ongoing defense... err... prosecution of Scooter Libby and other possible defendants in the White House/CIA leak case. People must also realize that the Padilla case is like a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle in which the pieces really don't fit. It takes a lot of hard foot and upper body work to whip these pieces into shape and make them fit. Having America attacked again just because we wasted time with trying to assemble a puzzle together correctly and "by the rules" is simply not a risk this administration is willing to take.

Pistoff: That's an interesting gadget that you have in your hands Abu, what is it?

Gonzales: Ha ha... oh, this thing! My youngest son watched the movie "Napoleon Dynamite", and he really liked the keychains that they were handing out so he made this one for me. Heh, heh... "Vote for Pedro"... or else. Heh, heh.

Pistoff: Where do you and the Bush administration go from here?

Gonzales: Exile? Just kidding again! We never really pay attention to polls in the war on terror, but I believe that our actions will be exonerated, pardoned, or whenever you would like to call it in the future. As to our specific plans, I'll have to plead the fifth.

 

 

11/22/05 Bush Refuses to Pardon Democracy and Freedom

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a stunning break with tradition, President Bush refused to pardon the National Thanksgiving Turkey and its alternate today at the official pardoning ceremony in the Rose Garden. The birds were named Democracy and Freedom by voting results from an online poll at the White House website. Also present for the ceremony were administration officials Karl Rove, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, and Vice President Dick Cheney.

The press in attendance were shocked as the President then personally carried out the sentence himself, producing a Katana sword which he had received as a gift from Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi during his visit last week. The execution was swift and clean, and Democracy and Freedom's deaths appeared instantaneous and without further suffering.

After cleaning off a bit of blood spatter, the President offered a few words: "My fellow Americans. This is indeed a violent, but necessary lesson for us all. We must be forever ready to act swiftly in defense of America lest this be the sword of terror which comes quietly in the night after our own Democracy and Freedom. As we all begin to debate the virtues of a war that we did not ask for around the holiday table, let us keep this in mind. Debate is a good thing, but in this season of Thanksgiving, let it be over how best to serve Democracy and Freedom to the rest of the world, and white or dark should all be equal. Let this symbolic act show the world how America will continue to deal with terrorist threats. Let us all be thankful that this administration will continue to plot a steady course for our brave sons and daughters in Iraq as well as those suffering at home as the result of natural disaster in these times of abundant fear. Thank you, and have a blessed Thanksgiving Day"

Scott McClellan spoke to reporters afterwards and said, "As the healthy debate over the war in Iraq evolves, it is important for you to know that just as in the natural disaster of Katrina, this administration had made no insidious plans. There was no planning at all, and to suggest so is as Vice President Cheney has suggested just 'morally reprehensible'. We hope America will keep the fears for their loved ones as well as the fears of the terrorist attack which will surely come if we just cut and run in mind over this holiday season."

When a reporter asked if the President wasn't afraid of the appearances of this public execution, McClellan responded, "Ah, yes... bird flu. America can rest assured that while the virus actually surfaced here in America some months ago, pending confirmation it was kept a secret. No chances were taken with the President, however, and he had taken a dose of Tamiflu from the White House stockpile yesterday in anticipation of today's risk of exposure."

Another reporter pointed out that Disneyland would now be without its Grand Marshals for the annual Thanksgiving Day Parade after the demise of Democracy and Freedom. McClellan smiled and said, "The administration is way ahead on that one. The President will be pardoning Scooter Libby and Karl Rove, and they have agreed to perform in this capacity."

 

 

11/21/05 Bush Finds a Friend and Brother in Mongolia

Ulan Bator, Mongolia (APE) - President Bush praised his Mongolian counterpart president Nambaryn Enkhbayar for his shepherding of Mongolia's fledgling democracy prior to leaving for home today. Mongolia continues to struggle with charges of corruption, as does the Bush administration, and their current president ran on a platform of fighting political corruption. In meetings with Mr. Enkhbayar, Bush promised to reward Mongolia handsomely for it's contribution of a small contingent of troops in the war in Iraq.

As a surprise present for president Bush on his visit to Ikh Tenger to witness a troop of cultural performers, he was greeted by none other than his own brother Florida governor Jeb Bush. The governor was dressed as the mystical warrior "Chang" whom he reportedly summons or "channels" during times of crisis. The second Bush makes the third Republican leader to have surfaced in Asia in the last week. The president later delighted the troupe with an exhibition of horse milking techniques.

Critics have scorned the President's trip as a technical excuse to leave the heat of building unrest in Washington over charges of intentional deceit by the administration in the run up to the Iraq war. It was not immediately clear who footed the bill for governor's surprise appearance in Mongolia. Democratic committee chairman Howard Dean noted, "I really don't think that it's wasted on the American public, that in the last week the Bush administration has burned enough jet fuel to heat the entire city of New Orleans throughout what is predicted to be a very cold winter this year. But, I suppose the president did accomplish something in his trip to China in that they have agreed not to foreclose on America just yet."

The president is to return to Washington, DC late Monday night, where he is expected to resume with pressing matters of state. First up on the agenda is the pardon for the National Thanksgiving Turkey named "Democracy and Freedom" on Tuesday. Pardons for Rove, Libby, Hadley, and Cheney are expected sometime after thanksgiving, depending upon the progress of special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald's investigation.

 

 

11/20/05 Bush Ends Asia Tour With Stop in Mongolia

Ulan Bator, Mongolia (Claw News Service) - President Bush, this evening wrapped up his groundbreaking multinational tour of Asia concluding a trip to the newly independent state of Mongolia. In the first visit of a sitting president to Mongolia, Bush met with president Nambaryn Enkhbayar and thanked the country for their donation of troops to the ongoing war in Iraq. Mongolia became an independent state in the early nineties after the collapse of the Soviet Union and prior to that was under the influence of China for centuries.

Bush praised the relatively new, yet struggling democracy of Mongolia. He cited the abundance of Land Cruisers being driven around by wealthy citizens in the capitol, juxtaposed against the one half of the population of former nomadic citizens clustering in crowded slums on the outskirts, where political corruption and abuse of power has prospered.

In a speech, Bush compared Mongolia's nomadic and frontier history with that of America, and its quest for greatness. He cited the fact that an obscure nomadic tribesman in the person of Genghis Kahn was able to rise to power, and wound up controlling and conquering most of the known world. Bush later laid a wreath at the tomb of Genghis Kahn, accompanied by first ladies Laura and Condi.

Bush heads home Monday to the US, to a government which seems to have taken advantage of his absence, and forced accountability onto his administration's Iraq war plans. Spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "The Democrats have picked a political fight that they will wish that they had never started. The President returns rested and rejuvenated, and inspired by his trip abroad. He looks forward to exposing and exonerating himself to America and the world."

 

11/17/05 Miracle Observed in Iraqi Torture Facility

Baghdad, Iraq (Claw News Service) - Prominent Republicans from across the US, including the Reverend Pat Robertson, began flocking to Baghdad despite the danger to observe what is being branded as a modern day miracle. In a search Sunday night by American troops, 173 tortured Iraqis were found in a fortified underground bunker just outside the Interior Ministry's compound in Baghdad. The recent allegations of CIA maintained and directed secret international torture facilities has been a black eye for the Bush administration, especially in light of their staunch threats to veto any anti-torture legislation from the house or senate.

An extensive injury to one of the anonymous detainees has taken on the appearance of the face of a laughing George Bush. Army medics are at a loss to explain what type of torture implement might account for the pattern of bruising and abrasions that have occurred.

Rev. Robertson stated, "I have spoken with God about this, and it is clearly a sign. He is angry with all of those who would take the Lord's name in vane with those blasphemous remarks like 'Who would Jesus torture?'. Clearly we must stand behind the president and his ability to smite with whatever means necessary those who would oppose God's divine rule."

A Sunni Iraqi Imam, wishing to remain anonymous said that he disagreed entirely with Rev. Robertson, and stated that the miracle was subject to an entirely different interpretation under Islam.

A US soldier given credit for spotting the marks after the raid on the bunker stated, "The real miracle is that we were able to save these guys at all, and this may explain why the streets have been relatively quiet lately. The conditions were deplorable. If we hadn't acted when we did, this guy in particular would have been toast."

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that the president was appreciative of the support shown by Rev. Robertson, but would not comment further. Bush is in the midst of an extended Asian tour, and is expected this week to lay a wreath at the grave of Genghis Kahn.

 

11/16/05 "I Rove-bot"

THE THREE LAWS OF ROVE-BOTICS

1. A Rove-bot may not injure a Republican or, through inaction, allow a Republican to come to harm.

2. A Rove-bot must obey orders given it by Republicans except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A Rove-bot must protect its own existence even if such protection conflicts with the First or Second Law.

THE AMENDMENTS TO THE LAWS OF ROVE-BOTICS

1. Democrats are not Republicans so therefore no laws apply unless conflicts arise with the First or Second Law.

2. A Rove-bot must harm or injure Democrats, or through inaction, allow a Democrat to come to harm or injury, so long as it does not conflict with the first three laws.

3. All "people" are considered Democrats and subject to the above laws unless or until money is donated and a loyalty oath to the three laws is signed and they are classified as Republican.

4. A Rove-bot must speak only talking points downloaded to it by a Superior Republican, except when it comes into conflict with the third law, and reality is no exception.

5. All Rove-bots are the property of the Republican Party, and as such have only the rights assigned to other corporate machinery.

 

 

11/14/05 Republican Leaders Schwarzenegger and Bush Meet in China

Beijing, China (UPSI) - Recent noted Republican losers California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and President George W Bush crossed paths in China as both embarked on Asian tours. Governor Schwarzenegger was there purportedly to promote trade with Asian nations, take a stance against pirated DVD sales, and promote the International Special Olympics, which he has supported for decades. President Bush was there for a brief stop to also promote the Special Olympics, for which he was a gold medalist during his college days at Yale.

Bush, checking an opponent in the Yale Special Olympics shot-putting event, circa 1969

Political analysts have been left to wonder over the attraction that China has for these two recent losers in their quest for political rehabilitation. There were some tense moments as both leaders and their first ladies seemed to be overwhelmed by adoring Chinese paparazzi. It was especially tense when the chants of "Ah-no" erupted, and it was unclear as to whether they were meant as condemnation of president Bush or adoration of governor Schwarzenegger.

Former Special Olympian Bush seemed to become a little peeved when he realized that the adoration was deferentially towards Schwarzenegger. He was notably temporarily confined to a wheel chair after yet another bicycle accident in Alaska yesterday. First lady Laura Bush stepped in and seemed to smooth over ruffled feathers, and the president brightened considerably when he was presented the Special Olympics torch in a ceremony by governor Schwarzenegger.

Schwarzenegger will continue his tour and attempt to promote trade with California as well as DVD anti-piracy attitudes and legislation in China. Bush will be left with the embarrassing task of addressing the impending ownership of the United States by the Chinese government with officials there. Both camps hold steadfastly to the belief that these trips in some way will address sagging poll numbers for both leaders at home.

 

11/12/05 Bush, Rice off to Asia

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush, rejuvenated from a Veteran's Day public tongue lashing and name calling of democratic critics of America's War in Iraq, heads to China and Asia today with secretary of state Condoleezza Rice, who earlier last month smoothed the way for him. The embattled Bush flees some of the lowest poll numbers in history for a sitting president. "I'm really looking forward to my trip," Bush told reporters last week.

A recent CNN poll placed Ms. Rice as basically the only administration official with a modicum of trust in the eyes of the public at a whopping 59%. Vice president Dick Cheney finished last, in the low twenties, behind even controversial presidential advisor Karl Rove. This is a possible explanation for Mr. Bush's more recent increased public association with Ms. Rice.

Whitehouse spokesperson Scott McClellan vehemently denied that the president was attempting to ride the tail of his secretary of state. "Of course people are going to talk," said McClellan, "The bottom line is Ms. Rice is a team player and has been all along."

Bush and Rice's trip will start off in Kyoto where they will visit a revered Zen Buddhist temple - Kinkakuji,  a popular site for young lovers and newlyweds. Rice and Bush will later be pushing beef, and meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi to discuss the Japanese bans. They will later journey to Korea and China, eventually winding up in Mongolia, where Bush will be the first seated president to tour in history. He is expected to lay a wreath at the purported grave of Genghis Kahn, one of the last great world conquerors, who came from Mongolia.

The first lady, Laura Bush, will not be accompanying the president on the tour at the president's request, stated Scott McClellan. He felt it more important for her to be home with the president's dog, Barney, who has apparently recently fallen ill.

 

11/11/05 Angry Bush Administration Chides Democrats

Washington, DC (APE) - The Bush administration launched a multi-pronged assault on Democratic critics who have recently called to question the administration's deliberate use of faulty, "sexed-up" intelligence to sell the war with Iraq to Congress and the American people. The assault was spearheaded by the surprise visit of secretary of state Condoleezza Rice to Baghdad, Iraq today, the vice-president's traditional presentation of a wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier, and the president's Veteran's Day speech to a group of hand picked veterans and their families at the Tobyhanna Army Depot in Pennsylvania.

In his speech today, Bush accused critics of trying to rewrite  the history that his administration had painstakingly orchestrated through the run-up to the Iraq war. "The stakes in the global war on terror are too high and the national interest is too important for politicians to throw out false charges," the president said, implying that the false charges must be strictly adhered to. He also accused them of undercutting the frontlines of torture in the war on terror. A large portion of the speech was dedicated to the re-dedication of America to the task of keeping previously feared non-existent weapons of mass destruction out of the hands of terrorists who are now on the run and fearful that they may never acquire the non-existent weapons. Bush also went on to compare and contrast Islamo-Fascism with communism, terrorism, dictatorships, and several other "isms" with the notable exception of cronyism. The speech appeared to flow flawlessly and applause was coordinated seamlessly by Mr. Rove.

The President speaks to a hand picked and photo-shopped group of veterans upon the finer points of fascism.

Simultaneously in Iraq, secretary of state Condoleezza Rice paid a surprise visit of support to the troops and spoke to Iraqis about the importance of unity in the coming months. "We do support the principles of democracy and support efforts to bridge the differences among Iraqis," Rice said. She later pledged to assist the Iraqis in rebuilding bridges and other infrastructure destroyed by America in an attempt to cut off different Iraqis.

Rice later treated the troops to their now traditional polypropylene Thanksgiving turkey dinner from the administration, stating that it was done early this year for security purposes. Rice was noted to bristle as a member of the press in attendance pointed out that the bird was a fake. "Well, of course it is," she said chastising the reporter. "This has become a long standing wartime traditional joke for the troops. They've come to expect it from us, and would be disappointed if we didn't do this. In addition, the Bush administration is determined to halt the spread of bird flu at all costs."

Vice president Cheney, after the wreath placing ceremony spoke to reporters saying, "We simply cannot afford to listen to the 55 to 60 percent of America who now feels that this war was a bad move. This kind of talk from democrats is just plain dangerous and puts democracy in jeopardy. As we approach this holiday season we should all be thankful in this country that there is still plenty to be fearful of."

 

 

11/10/05 Chalabi Meets with Rice and Others in DC

Washington, DC (International Perspirer) - Ahmed Chalabi, Iraq's deputy prime minister, in town to meet with Condoleezza Rice and other administration officials was also seen out on the town discreetly meeting in a bar last night with none other than  recently indicted Vice Presidential assistant Scooter Libby and recently dismissed New York Times journalist Judith Miller. Chalabi was followed as he left his bloc of luxury suites at the Ritz Carlton last night around ten, and was seen going into a small DC Pub across town. A Perspirer reporter and photographer followed Mr. Chalabi and his entourage into the pub where he met with the couple who were apparently already waiting there.

Left to right, Chalabi, Libby, Miller

The three were noted to share a few beers, but remained low key and did not appear to become intoxicated. The three were overheard apparently discussing a possible sequel to Libby's wildly successful suspense thriller, "The Apprentice", and a possible title of "The Aspens of Baghdad" was discussed. Miller appeared to have recovered from some of the weight loss she suffered during her recent 85-day prison stint. Libby was noted to be apparently walking quite well, and without the crutches that he has been seen with recently in court appearances. The Pub manager was noted to be struggling with the now overflow capacity crowd which seemed to be made up of mostly plain clothes body guards, Secret Service, CIA, and FBI agents.

Immediately after the Perspirer photographer snapped this picture, Chalabi and Libby became very agitated. The three quickly left in separate vehicles, and the pub was emptied of patrons within a matter of seconds.

Lindsay Lohan, in town to promote a campaign for National No Fault Auto Insurance had her rental car sideswiped by an unidentified speeding black Humvee which was leaving the scene. While Ms. Lohan was not injured, approximately $3000 damage was done to her car. Ms. Lohan, virtually in tears, spoke to the Perspirer reporter and said, "Geico is never  going to believe this."

 

11/09/05 Democrats "Kick Ass"!

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Republicans were sent reeling today by results from yesterday's off year elections. Democrats swept the hotly contested governorships of New Jersey and Virginia, and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was sent a stinging political rebuke as all of his proposed initiatives appear to have been defeated. Democrats trumpeted the results as a rebuff by the American public over the direction that the Bush administration has misled the country. Republicans downplayed the results as merely the Democrats being able to "barely" hold on to a number of positions that they already held.

President Bush and new Republican mascot "Greedar" react to yesterday's election results

RNC Chairman and possible Vice Presidential replacement Ken Mehlman stated, "Sure, this is a little bit of a wake up call leading into the key 2006 election cycle, but nothing more... we won't be caught napping. Our agenda for the "Contract on America" continues, and we intend to have the entire country outsourced before the next Presidential Election, so it will be a moot point."

President Bush viewing his specially prepared briefing at the Latin American Summit last week

White House spokesman Trent Duffy stated, "It's still business as usual for President Bush here at the White House, and he holds no grudges against Kilgore, Forrester, and Schwarzenegger for their squandering of his valuable political capital. The President is more interested in getting to the bottom of the leaks of classified information recently from within the Senate in regards to the malicious rumors of CIA torture facilities abroad. Classified rumors are a dangerous thing, and those who reveal them should be punished severely. We will continue to support our troops in the field by maintaining our legal rights to spread rumors of torture to frighten and combat the enemies of Freedom and Democracy."

 

11/09/05 Harry Reid Rendered over CIA Illegal Prisons Story Leaked to Washington Post

Washington, DC (Claw News Service) - Arizona Democratic Senator and Minority Leader Harry Reid was quietly and swiftly taken into custody today by a covert domestic CIA strike force and is reputedly en route to Camp Delta at Guantanamo bay Cuba. Spokespeople for the senator say that there has been no contact as yet with him, and they continue to be worried for his safety. White House sources confirmed that Senator Reid had been taken into custody citing established provisions of the USA Patriot Act.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "As usual, let me state that this is an ongoing investigation, and we are reluctant to comment... but... these are some fairly exceptional circumstances. The President responded immediately to the request from Senator Lott yesterday for an investigation into the leak of classified information in regards to the story in the Washington Post concerning CIA overflow facilities in other countries.  Let's just say that this is ample evidence that this administration is more than capable of policing itself... leakers, whistleblowers, whatever... they will not be tolerated. We are at war, folks, and America is just a little bit safer tonight."

McClellan continued, "This should in no way be construed as evidence that the "alleged" international "torture facilities" actually exist. The Washington Post story is a baseless fantasy, and they should be held accountable for the lives that will likely be lost the world over as a result of smearing the reputation of the United States. Alberto Gonzales is looking into whether charges can be brought against the Post as we speak, in regards to the rioting and unrest in France. America does not torture suspects, and citizens can rest assured that Senator Reid, or any other terror suspect in our hands for that matter, will be treated with due diligence. The interrogation team is well aware of Mr. Reid's recent stroke."

Claw News Service has further learned that Senator Reid way have indeed been caught up in a Pentagon sting operation. Iraq's deputy prime minister Ahmed Chalabi, in town this week conferring with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice admitted to contact with Senator Reid on four separate occasions. He refused to elaborate further, as he stared down protestors from the balcony of his eight bloc suite at the Ritz Carlton.

McClellan refused further comment on the possible involvement of Mr. Chalabi, stating that the investigation was ongoing. He concluded, "The President urges the American people to not get caught up in all of this "background noise" of partisan politics and refocus on the goal of spreading democracy throughout the middle east, whether they want it or not. That's all we have to say at this time, and you'll have to excuse me because I'm running a little late for Karl's mandatory ethics refresher class."

 

11/07/05 Schwarzenegger Appears to Abandon Referendums at Last Minute

Sacramento, CA (UPSI) - On the eve of Californians going to the polls on numerous referendums promoted and supported by Governor Schwarzenegger, he appears to have made a dramatic last minute reversal and now supports defeat of all the referendums across the board. The governor was seen at many locations today at the last minute apparently campaigning the overthrow of all of the referendums, particularly proposition 75 which has upset the state's teachers and firefighters as well as other organized unions. The referendums appear doomed to defeat based upon ongoing popular polls.

The governor could not be reached for comment tonight, but a spokesperson heatedly denied the governor's abandonment of his own propositions. When confronted with video footage and still photos of the governor attending and supporting an Anti-proposition 75 rally, the spokesperson immediately accused the California Democratic Party of a last minute campaign of dirty tricks intended to blur the issues and suppress Republican voter turn out.

"I'm positive it was him," said Florence N. Gayle, a local registered nurse. "I've hated that face for over a year now, and I'm certain that I would recognize him in person. He stepped up to the microphone, and when everybody finally stopped booing, he explained about how he thought the whole prop 75 was a bad idea now, and apologized. The crowd went wild after a moment or so and then he rushed off. I'd recognize that accent anywhere, it was him, I'm positive."

The governor's office later issued a statement that the California State Patrol had issued an all points bulletin for the arrest of Warren Beatty, a Hollywood actor, and one of Governor Schwarzenegger's most vocal opponents of the group of initiatives. Mr. Beatty was reached through his lawyer at an undisclosed location, and expressed surprise in the state's interest in him. He further stated that he would not, at this time be turning himself over to custody, but stated simply, "I'll be back."

 

 

11/05/05 The Three Banditos: New Special Edition DVD Released

(Apologies to Randy Newman!)

...Wherever there is pain or injustice... we don't care!

 

My Little Butterball

My little butterball has the sickest style
Dear little butterball, what you say is vile
Come give me your new scheme; taint some guy
And you and I might finger in deceit lie and lie, oh...

Dear little butterball, when your lies sound true
Oh little butterball, I can't scream at you
You and I will meddle; frown; when our plotting comes unglued
Oh, dear little butterball, I am screwed...

Everybody !

My little butterball, has the sickest style
Dear little butterball, what you say is vile
You and I will meddle; frown; when our plotting comes unglued, Oh...

Dear little butterball
Sweet little butterball,
My little butterball
I am screwed

 

Lipbalm?

 

"Would you say that I have a plethora of protesters, Jefe?"

"Oh, yes, El Hugo... you have a plethora..."

 

Bullshitters on the Trail

Venezuela crude keep pumpin
From the fertile field below
You know pretty soon
That sweet yellow crude
Will find its way back to your hands you know.

Bullshitters on the trail
Little cowboy, loose your lies and scream
All of your buddies have sinned for morale
All your hard work is done
Just close your mind and scream little pal
Scream for someone

(Boom boom boom boom, etc.)

Bullshitters on the trail
Soft spin flowing through the memes above
All the other little cowboys
Back in the bunker now, so
Close your eyes and scream...

 

"Oh great!... these are REAL bullets!  You guys are in a lot of trouble..."

 

"Spin, Carmendoleezza! Spin like the wind!"

 

 

11/04/05 China Pays Belated Homage to Vilified Rovestein

Beijing, China (APE) - On the sprawling campus of Beijing's Tsinghua University, much of the curriculum would have been entirely different if Rovestein had lived.

"He was a great political scientist but a weasel as a man," says Tsu Wing, a 19-year-old political science student. "He's not my idol, Chairman Mao is."

This year is the 100th anniversary of Rovestein's "miracle year", when the then unknown Austrian postcard seller published five papers in rapid succession, including one on the special theory of moral relativity. An exhibit in recognition of the little known Austrian Political Scientist opened on the Tsinghua University campus.

"During the Cultural Revolution all basic research stopped in China," said Chan Belong, a Political Scientist at the Chinese Academy of Science. "This was a disaster for Chinese politics."

In the 50-year period from 1945 onwards, Rovestein's theories were dismissed as supremacist fascistic nonsense, often by young well educated liberals in America. In China, while most education came to a standstill, creating entire cohorts of illiterate people, modern politics based on Rovestein's theories could also not be carried out.

Along came the rise of the American President George W. Bush in 1995, and the vast majority of Rovestein's theories proved to be viable. America still suffers ten years later, with no end in sight, while the Chinese have realized economic successes beyond their wildest dreams.

The exhibit in Beijing pays tribute and a debt of thanks to the man and his theories. It explores Karlbert Rovestein's life from birth to ironic death in a Jewish concentration camp in Germany in 1944.  Historians point out that the postcards that he sold for his Austrian starving artist neighbor may very likely have been those of a young Adolph Hitler.  Researchers point out that Hitler made numerous references in letters and papers to an old Jewish neighbor who helped him by selling his post cards. The neighbor is often referred to as "schisse bluete" in letters and papers, and most historians agree that this was about the time in Hitler's life that his anti-Semitism began. Rovestein's death becomes ironic when one appreciates that it was at the hands of a Nazi political system created by Hitler, Goebbels, and Himmler which embraced Rovestein's theories.

The family of Karlbert Rovestein was able to flee Germany before the war and was reputed to have immigrated to America, where they still to this day remain in secrecy.

 

 

11/02/05 Rumsfeld Recuses Self Over Bird Flu Disaster Planning

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Administration officials stated today that Donald Rumsfeld will be recusing himself from further Bush plans for disaster management in regards to fears over a possible bird flu pandemic. It was revealed that Rumsfeld stands to make a sizable multimillion dollar profit as a significant shareholder in a company called Gilead which owns and licenses the rights to the manufacture of Tamiflu, a drug which could possibly ease the symptoms of an individual who might come down with the virus. UPSI, however, has learned that this is not the real reason for the recusal.

UPSI has since learned that the AH5N1 avian virus has already appeared in America, and frighteningly, has already made the transition to the human pool. A CDC physician source stated, under the condition of anonymity, that a week of intensive investigation has shown that the limited outbreak has been tracked down to "Patient X" who is none other than Donald Rumsfeld himself. The source speculated that their worst fears had been realized, and the virus has made the human-to-human transmission leap. The source further hypothesized that "War-Bird" tendencies may have been responsible for the ease of transmission to Mr. Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld agitated over attempts at decontamination

The CDC source stated that the virus was likely acquired by Mr. Rumsfeld during his recent travels to bird flu outbreak hotspots throughout Europe and Asia. Upon arrival back in America last week, Mr. Rumsfeld apparently became enraged with workers attempting to decontaminate Air Force One and it's passengers and crew, and refused to cooperate. Within a day afterwards, Mr. Rumsfeld came down with the illness.

Mr. Rumsfeld is expected to fully recover at this time. The CDC source refused to speculate further over whether "Typhoid Rummy", as he is jokingly referred to, may have infected himself intentionally. The source stated a low key quarantine was in effect for the White House and that the CDC would continue to monitor its sentinel chicken-hawks for infection.

 

 

11/02/05 Behind Senate Closed Door Session Gloves Come Off

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a well timed surprise move, senate minority leader Harry Reid D-AZ, called for a closed door session of the US Senate. He and senators  Dick Durbin D-IL and Charles Shumer D-NY called to task the Republican Majority seen as stonewalling on efforts to investigate the misuse and outright fabrication of intelligence by the Bush Administration in the rush to go to war in Iraq. Friday's indictment of Vice President Dick Cheney's advisor "Scooter" Libby has left many suspicions and unanswered questions of treasonous acts which may well be traced directly to the Vice President and indeed President George Bush himself. Reid stated that today's move was done on behalf of the American people and promotion of true democracy in America.

All doors were closed to the senate with security guards in place, and all cameras and recording equipment on the floor were turned off for two hours as both parties fought bitterly over details surrounding the stalled investigation into Pre-War intelligence gathering.  A security guard on duty who wished to remain anonymous stated that the proceedings sounded like they became very physical, but that he and his fellow officers had been instructed not to intervene beforehand. "Man, you should have seen that place afterwards," he said, "I talked with housekeeping later on, and they said they were going to be hard pressed to get out the blood stains and have everything looking back to normal by morning."

Immediately after the two plus hour session, Senators Reid, Schumar, and Durbin emerged, breathlessly declaring a victory for the Democratic Party and Americans in general. Reid stated to reporters, "The veil of secrecy around the Bush Administration was ripped asunder today. The agreement over the two week deadline for completion of the Phase II investigation into Bush Administration wrongdoings leading up to the war in Iraq is all gravy at this point. I really hate for him that the Majority Leader wasn't a little better versed in parliamentary procedures and rules. His knowledge of the Marquis of Queensbury certainly leaves much to be desired."

Majority leader Bill Frist R-TN and former majority leader Trent Lott R-MS emerged angrily much later and spoke to reporters. "This was nothing but a cheap political sucker punch. Normally secret sessions are called over issues such as impeachment, or weapons of mass destruction, but to call a session over a lack of weapons of mass destruction... please. We're just relieved that they didn't really have evidence for an impeachment as well."


Senator Frist stated, "The United States Senate has been cold-cocked by the Democratic leadership. While the fight remained somewhat courteous, and we did initially consent to it, the bottom line is that I will not be able to now trust Senator Reid for the next year and a half."


 

11/01/05 Bush Nominee Judge Alito Takes Hard Stance on Strip Search

Washington, DC (APE) - Judge Samuel A. Alito defended his stance on the rights of law enforcement to conduct strip searches. Critics have immediately zoomed in upon one of his past decisions in which he supported Law enforcement's position, as well as his controversial stance on Rove v. Wade.

"I've said it before, folks, and I'll say it again", Alito stated, "I share the dislike of intrusive searches, but these are terrifying times that we live in. It's a sad fact that drug dealers, and terrorists sometimes use children to carry out their crimes and avoid prosecution. We must use our constitution as a way and means of protecting everyone."

In a show of support to Alito, his family agreed to a strip search by Secret Service at the White House, and actually agreed to pose for photographers afterwards. No contraband or explosive devices were found and they all felt that the agents conducted themselves in a totally professional manner. Joking afterwards, Alito admitted that there was no warrant issued for this search, but that if their had been, it would have been read in a commonsense and realistic fashion.

White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "We'd like to thank Judge Alito's family for their spontaneous exhibition. We think this will go a long way towards dispelling Liberals' attempts at framing "strip searches" by officers as slavering voyeurs gratuitously disrobing a mother and her children."

 

 

10/31/05 Bush Nominates Bork as Supreme Court Justice, Announces Further Administration Shakeups

Washington, DC (Claw News Service) - Fresh from a weekend of relaxation and introspection at Camp David, President Bush returned to the White House to the cheers of selected staffers and announced the nomination of Robert Bork to the Supreme court Justice spot being vacated by Sandra Day O'Connor at a hastily organized press conference in the East Wing. Bush appears to be responding to critics who have said that he will need to make some hard decisions over the course for his second term in light of recent scandals. Critics have said that he must choose between the "bunker mentality" of the failed Nixon presidency, versus the sweeping changes instituted by the Reagan administration when faced with scandal in its second term.

Spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "The theme for the second term, can now officially be called 'Do Over'. The President is proud of the career of Mr. Bork and ashamed of what happened to him in the first go round, so he'll gat a 'do over'. Some critics may point out the age of Mr. Bork, but this administration does not discriminate. Besides, if Mr. Bork's health becomes an issue as a Justice, we'll get a do over."

President Bush looks on as Robert Bork addresses reporters

Mr. Bush, later in the day in the rose garden, announced further administration shakeups in light of the resignation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and accusations leveled against Karl Rove over the Valerie Plame affair. Mr. Rove will apparently step aside as well, but remain in a minimal consultative capacity, as he undergoes further administration interrogation. As replacements for Rove and Libby, in keeping with the 'Do Over' theme, Mr. Bush announced that the administration would begin working with past republican aides and insiders, Oliver North, and G. Gordon Liddy.

Mr. Bush stated, "Mr. Liddy and Mr. North are both fine Americans and they are proud and anxious to be given a 'do over' to serve their country once again. Each of them will bring some unique talents and experiences to the ongoing war against terror, and I look forward to working closely with each of them.

President Bush announcing the administration's hiring of Oliver North and Gordon Liddy

Spokesperson Scott McClellan concluded, "We feel we have weathered the storm, and look forward to having the Peace process and police action in Iraq come rapidly to a successful conclusion, and getting our domestic agenda back on track as well. We hope that all Americans will now come to the table in a spirit of "Do Over", and work together. Comparisons to past administrations and to the Vietnam conflict are ludicrous and counterproductive. The "rabbit hole" is a dead end, folks... America needs to know that her President and Vice President are not crooks."

 

10/29/05 Rove Not Indicted, Still Under Investigation, Handed Over To Pentagon

Washington, DC (UPSI) - After indictments were handed down yesterday implicating Vice Presidential advisor I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and clearly leaving Presidential Chief of Staff Karl Rove under suspicion, President Bush made the decision to revert the investigation back to an internal one under administration control. Bush was responding to conservative critics within his own party who have suggested that this is what should have happened from the outset of the Plame affair. After consulting with his personal counsel Harriet Miers, and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales over the legalities involved from his Camp David retreat, Mr. Bush ordered Karl Rove to report to the Pentagon for processing.

The Bush Administration anticipates that further staffers may be interrogated, as well as a number of reporters as the investigation unfolds. They formally thanked Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald for his work and service to his country in a letter and then stated that his services would no longer be needed. Mr. Rove was taken away this morning to an undisclosed location under heavy military guard. The White House then displayed a photo of Mr. Rove's initial processing.

Karl Rove being processed at an undisclosed location

White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "The President is determined to get to the bottom of this, and put it behind the country as quickly as possible. He intends to bring the full force of the Pentagon's intelligence gathering capabilities into play under the personal supervision of Donald Rumsfeld. We anticipate that Mr. Rove should be finished testifying and ready to return to duty within a matter of days. If Karl has something that he has forgotten or refused to divulge, we will be able to get at it."

Mr. McClellan concluded, "As you can see, this interrogation will be complete, thorough, and left with nothing to hide. We stand behind our commitment to techniques which have been honed in the trenches of the War on Terror. This administration gets results."

Concerned reporters forwarded the photograph to representatives of Amnesty International with the thought that this constituted cruel and inhuman behavior. A spokesperson for Amnesty International stated off the record that they were appalled and indeed did find the picture to be offensive, but that no one was forced to look at it, and had the right to just look away.

 

10/27/05 Miers Abruptly Withdraws Name from Consideration for SCOTUS

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a stunning, yet possibly calculated move, the President's personal attorney Harriet Miers withdrew her name for consideration for a position on the US Supreme Court. At approximately 8:30 this morning she submitted to President Bush personally a one page letter requesting that she be removed from consideration for the nomination. White House sources stated that this was a completely personal decision, but it comes amid the controversy of her very recommendation by the President as well as the highly likely indictments of administration officials I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and Karl Rove as early as tomorrow morning in regards to the Valerie Plame affair.

The nomination of Ms. Miers was controversial from the outset and succeeded in alienating a large portion of the President's conservative Republican base, while unnerving and eliciting no real support from the Democratic minority. The Bush Administration was immediately dogged by accusations of cronyism by both parties. Information from anonymous White House sources indicated that this may have been a very calculated move to retain the services of Ms. Miers as White House Counsel in light of the impending indictments tomorrow. It has been a real puzzle to many experts over just why this nomination has been so disturbing in addition to Ms. Miers lack of qualifications.

Ms. Miers gave a short speech to reporters present this morning in which she pledged her continued loyalty and service to Mr. Bush. Ms. Miers appeared serious, and perhaps a bit saddened and angry throughout the presentation, while President Bush appeared relieved, and almost happy.

The White House refused further comment as Ms. Miers was spirited away, ostensibly to deal with events breaking tomorrow.

 

10/27/05 Bush Takes Blame for Slow Wilma Aid, Punched by His Brother

Miami, FL (APE) - President Bush flew into Miami today to personally assess the damage in the Wake of Hurricane Wilma. After disembarking from Air Force One, he gave an impromptu speech to gathered reporters with his brother Governor Jeb Bush present in which he personally accepted the blame for the slow response of assistance after the storm. Governor Bush then became enraged as apparently the President had not realized that he had laid claim to the blame himself in an interview on the previous day. Heated words, largely unintelligible, were exchanged and to the shock of the Press in attendance, Governor Bush landed the first and only punch of the altercation.

Exclusive APE photo of Presidential altercation

The President dropped to his knees, keeled over, and was out cold for about ten minutes. Secret Service men immediately wrestled Governor Bush to the ground, and they, in turn, were wrestled to the ground by Florida State Troopers guarding the Governor.

The press was immediately ushered away from the scene, but not before APE photographer Yoseph Dood was able to capture an exclusive photograph of the punch. "Wow... ", said Dood, "That happened so fast, it was unbelievable... I just happened to be zooming in on the President's face because it looked like something was caught between his teeth, and whamo... his brother clocked him!"

The Governor was temporarily retained in custody, but released a few hours afterwards. The brothers then continued on the days schedule of damage tours, photo opportunities, and prescreened visits with victims without incident, but the air between the two seemed strained to most observers.

White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan, in Washington, offered, "I think this is just a good example of the stress that both the President and the Governor, and all people such as doctors, police, and emergency personnel are under during a disaster. They all deserve our sympathy when systems can't respond or are inadequate."

When McClellan was asked by a reporter who was in charge during the ten minutes the President lay unconscious, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who was also present, stepped forward and stated, "Well, I, of course, was in charge here at the White House. In the event of any terrorist attack, I have the authority to act immediately. The Vice President wasn't here and was in the process of being rushed from his undisclosed location, and upon arrival, he of course would take charge."

McClellan continued, "These are a couple of competitive, fun loving brothers, and this rivalry goes all the way back to childhood. The Governor just landed a lucky sucker punch, today, and the President won't be fooled again. We are, however, beginning to have concerns about this "Warrior Chang" that the Governor keeps talking about."

McClellan concluded, "We do apologize to the Governor for the mix-up in regards to blame claims, but we hadn't realized that he had made his statement yesterday. We have been busy preparing strategies for the indictments of Scooter, and Karl, and that one just slipped under the radar screen. In the long run, there really should be enough blame to go around for everyone without anymore conflicts."

 

10/26/05 Iraqi Elections Made Official: Iraqis Unveil Statue in Celebration

Baghdad, Iraq (Claw News Service) - The results were made official yesterday in Iraq, and with slightly over 68% of the population voting, Iraqis voted overwhelmingly to approve the American sponsored constitution for the new Iraq. Unwilling to accept defeat, Sunni factions scrambled to oppose further referendums scheduled for December. Spontaneous outbursts erupted in the street, with gunfire and a number of car bombs exploded into the air in celebration, unfortunately resulting in the accidental deaths of American servicemen numbers 2002-2004. People thanked and awarded the American occupation forces with a surprise group of statues on the outskirts of northern Baghdad.

With the aide and assistance of the American forces, a number of local craftsmen, once busy under the reign of Saddam Hussein were put back to work modifying a set of existing outdoor sculptures.
 

Before

Colonel I. B. Lyon, the liaison officer in charge stated, "Many folks just don't know what wonderful artisans these people are. They've been building great things for thousands of years, and we're happy to do our little part to compensate for what we've destroyed. We just offered some suggestions on what we'd like to see and footed the money and materials and they pretty well ran with it."
 

After

Lyon continued, "It's just amazing how this turned out, given what they worked with. The project has been a tremendous benefit to the local economy, and the residents have been really enthusiastic about it. They have enjoyed the statues so much that we had to erect some barbed wire barriers around them. So many people were beginning to swat the statues with their shoes for good luck, that they were becoming damaged. The locals have taken to calling it Mount Crushmore, because they can't seem to get the pronunciation right."

Local Muhammad Al-Badi said through a translator, "The originals were pretty spooky. It's like the eyes followed you everywhere you went. Children just wouldn't go near them. These are pretty much the same."

 

10/25/05 Cheney Implicated in Plame Affair: Arrested Trying to Leave Country

Washington, DC (APE) - Patrick Fitzgerald today made public the findings of his nearly two year long investigation into the "outing" of CIA undercover agent Valerie Plame. Within hours, Vice President Dick Cheney was apprehended attempting to leave the country with a false British Passport. While reporters are still poring over the Grand jury findings made public today, apparently the Vice President has been revealed as the source of Plame's true identity to his advisor Scooter Libbey who subsequently revealed it to numerous press insiders in an effort to defame Plame's husband, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson. Charges appear to be pending for Libby as well as President Bush's advisor Karl Rove as well for their attempts at covering up the incident and protecting the Vice President.

It was revealed today that the Vice President's decision to out Mrs. Wilson(Plame) resulted directly in the deaths of two undercover operatives in the middle east who were linked to her undercover corporate position. Lawyers for the White House maintain that the Vice President was all along unaware of Plame's deep cover status, and shouldn't be held accountable for the deaths. This development elevates the Vice President's act to one of treason, which may be punishable by execution.

The Vice President, seated,  awaiting processing at a federal penitentiary

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "We simply will refuse to comment, because, as I have said before, this investigation is ongoing."

After a reporter in the room pointed out to Mr. McClellan that the investigation in actuality had concluded with the release of the report today, Mr. McClellan stated, "Heh... oh yeah... Well, we still can't say very much. Executive Privilege, National Security, Fifth Amendment, and what not. We will say that the two deaths in question appear highly suspicious and appear very likely to be forgeries. This Administration is very much looking forward to defending itself vigorously behind closed doors."

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald displaying the phony British Passport to reporters

When asked to comment about the Vice President's apparent attempt at flight from justice, Mr. McClellan explained that this was just a planned policy trip to Great Britain, and the passport in the Vice President's possession was meant as a joke to the Administration's staunch ally, Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Patrick Fitzgerald was asked for comment and said simply, "You have what I've got to this point, and it would simply be inappropriate to comment on prosecutions in progress."

 

10/24/05 McDonalds Launches Exercise Campaign

New York, NY (Rotters) - "It's what I eat and what I do ... I'm lovin' it." This is the new campaign from from America's favorite hamburger franchise amidst criticism over their role in the fattening of America. The campaign was launched in one of the busiest McDonalds in the world in Times Square, New York City. It also comes at a time when a potentially damaging lawsuit over claims that McDonalds contributed to a number of individuals' obesity has been reinstated. McDonalds that the campaign will be spearheaded by a change in their commercial presentations, in which exercise rather than food will be featured.

Present for the roll-out was McDonalds' Vice Chairman and CEO, James a Skinner. "People should in no way link our sense of public responsibility to the potential outcomes of these baseless lawsuits. McDonalds is simply ahead of the curve in recognizing and addressing the national disaster of obesity in America and the world." Skinner stated. "Exercise is the key, and not the amount or type of of food you eat. The McDonalds of the future will be a lean, mean, exercise machine. The catch phrase for the next generation will be 'Do you want reps with that?' "

McDonalds' CEO James Skinner poses with the company's beloved clown Ronald

A number of athletes have already signed onto the campaign which is set to debut this coming May. They include Venus and Serena Williams, and possibly Wayne Gretzky. Also, an animation is planned which will show cartoon characters of a number of McDonalds' healthy menu items exercising together.

Plans are also in the works for assigning personal fitness coaches to restaurants which feature children's play areas with an eye towards pushing kids through a real "obstacle course" type of workout. Also, in the coming months, McDonalds will introduce Happy Meals packaging which will feature reinforced handles and false bottoms filled with sand to bring the weight up to one, two, and three pound increments. Young children will hopefully be encouraged to use them as dumbbells while they are eating and acquire early on the new "super size me" vocabulary.

Mr. Skinner concluded, "Our own research has shown that we simply can't sit around like couch potatoes and leave the marketing of physical fitness to the likes of Nike, gyms, and equipment manufacturers. We are in the business of selling food, and if our customers feel that they can't afford the calories, we're doomed."
 

 

10/23/05 DeLay's Attorneys Push for Trial in Court of Public Opinion

Austin, Tx (UPSI) - Attorneys  Dick DeGuerin and Richard P. Keeton, representing Tom Delay in his money laundering case in Texas filed a surprise motion this weekend with judge Bob Perkins who is currently hearing the case. This motion was in addition to their motion requesting Judge Perkins' removal from the case for political reasons filed earlier this week. The new motion cited the need for abandoning the legal system altogether, in this particular situation, and instead having the case decided expeditiously by "The Court of Public Opinion".

DeGuerin stated, "Tom Delay is innocent of these baseless politically motivated charges, and we fear that this action may be the only way to avoid a prejudicial persecution at the hands of the Democratic Party. Tom has done nothing wrong, and this is just business as usual in America. We are more than willing to take our chances in the higher "Court of Public Opinion".

Keeton added, "It's almost comical to watch the indignation, and lethargy of the Left over this. That very attitude was killing Texas and America in general, and was the main reason for the formation and success of TRMPAC in the first place. Under the tireless leadership and reform of Tom Delay we are on the brink of realizing the "Commercialization of Law and Politics". A new, and better day is now dawning for corporate America. The movement is bigger than Tom and simply will not be stopped. Anyone, such as Ronnie Earle who persists in insisting upon letter of the law and ethics versus free market is doomed. We will continue to try to work with Mr. Earle, however, and we have every hope that he will eventually come to reason and see things Tom's way."

Tom Delay attempting to confer with prosecutor Ronnie Earle in court on Friday

When asked to elaborate on their vision for venues for the Court of Public Opinion, the defense team suggested that competing telethons were being considered, as well as a deserted island type of "Survivor" series if a settlement could not be reached. The series would pit Tom head to head with Mr. Earle in various locations. Commercial sponsors have apparently begun to scramble for a piece of the action as well, with Stanley Tools in the lead with a bid of $200 million to promote the series and "The Hammer".

 

10/23/05 Crisis Atmosphere at Camp David Retreat for President this Weekend

Camp David, MD (APE) - The President and an entourage of his insiders this weekend left for Camp David, and an anonymous insider described the mood as somber.  President Bush in the coming week is facing a confluence of events which may signal a fatal blow for his floundering administration.  Enduring criticism remains over the administration's poor response to the continuing Hurricane Katrina tragedy, growing unrest and dissention over the war in Iraq, and declining poll numbers. Many feel the situation has been worsened with the President's controversial appointment of personal lawyer Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. Add to this the the high probability of indictments this week of key Administration officials Karl Rove and Lewis "Scooter" Libby, and a potential second round of devastation to the Florida panhandle from Hurricane Wilma, and you have the "Perfect Storm".

Miers accompanied the President this weekend to Camp David along with key insiders, said to include Libby and Rove. Goals for the retreat were said to be how best to deal with the fallout from the Miers nomination as well as how to best utilize the potential disaster from a possible catastrophic strike from Hurricane Wilma.

Whitehouse Spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, "This is just business as usual for President Bush... he remains on the job. It's inspiring the learning curve that he has mastered since Hurricane Katrina. This is certainly not "the same old song" that a lot of critics are throwing out there".

Duffy went on to state that the President was continuing to push "Faith Based" initiatives, and that this was also the focus of this weekend's retreat. Final discussions occurred concerning a revamping of FEMA which will be rolled out over this coming week. President Bush has spearheaded an effort to end the crucifixion of FEMA over it's response to Hurricane Katrina. The President's Evangelical focus group has been exploring ways to make FEMA more proactive and sensitive to the theories of Divine Retribution in preventing catastrophe before it occurs. The re-vamped agency will be called Blas-FEMA and it will explore ways in which the country may protect itself through mandatory prayer and eradication of practices such as abortion, birth control, premarital and Gay sex, and Gay marriage. Aide post-disaster would be channeled preferentially towards areas which complied with the new Federal mandates. Ms. Miers states that there is legal precedent for the plans.

Mr. Duffy further stated, "Already, this strategy appears to be working. With just the small focused effort of our little prayer group we have succeeded in stalling Wilma over Mexico resulting in it being downgraded to a category 2 hurricane at present. Look at the money that has been saved and potential damage averted as well."

Governor Jeb Bush of Florida was quoted earlier this week as saying, "You gotta ask, why us..." in reference to the potential hit from Wilma. In a break from his brother's strategy, Gov. Bush shortly thereafter elected to channel his "Warrior Chang" persona to deal with storm preparations, and was quoted later this weekend as saying simply, "Bring it on..."

Mr. Duffy refused to quote on the plight of advisors Rove and Libby, citing the fact that the investigation is still ongoing, but stated that this issue was a top priority of Blas-FEMA focus.

 

10/21/05 Bill Clinton Partners with Spongebob, other Politicians Follow Suit

New York, NY (Rotters) - Bill Clinton announced today that he would be teaming up with Sponge Bob SquarePants and Dora the Explorer in a new Nickelodeon campaign to promote good nutrition in children. "The idea that health decisions you make as kids could stop you from living your dream is heartbreaking to us," said Clinton. "I don't know about Bob, but after two heart  surgeries, I don't think I'm going to have much trouble staying away from the Crabby Patties." Nickelodeon Networks President Herb Scannell stated that thanks to the leadership from the former President other politicians and celebrities are clamoring to be included in similar campaigns.

"While we don't yet have the rights to some of these cartoon characters, the campaign is really coming together, and we're excited." said Mr. Scannell.

"Tom DeLay will be teaming up with Sgt. McGruff the crime fighting dog to help children wrestle with the finer aspects and complexities of the law." stated Mr. Scannell. "Mr. DeLay has offered himself up as living proof that ethics need to be taught earlier and more frequently to young children if we are to address the increasing rates of imprisonment in America."

"In a campaign related to the Clinton/SquarePants campaign, Ann Coulter has tentatively agreed to a number of spots with none other than Fat Albert to help address the frightening increase in both Eating Disorders and Personality Disorders in pre-teens and adolescents. They'll offer tips on responsible eating and dieting as well as anger management and gun control."

"We're especially excited that Karl Rove has anticipated that he will be having quite a bit of free time in the near future and has expressed an interest in being involved. Plans are for Mr. Rove to partner up with Tinkie Wink  of the Teletubies in a series of spots directed more towards infants and toddlers. These spots will concentrate on when it's OK to keep secrets from your parents and others and when to tell the truth. We hope, also, to address the issues of tolerance and acceptance of non-traditional parenting."

"Most of those interested, at this point have graciously volunteered their time and efforts," stated Mr. Scannell. "We are anticipating a much larger payout for them farther down the road as dolls and action figures hit the markets."

 

10/18/05 Spontaneous Iraqi Election Protest Erupts

Baghdad, IRAQ (APE) - Protesters today within the Iraqi Green Zone burst into polling centers where the overwhelming Iraqi constitutional vote was being scrutinized. Concerns have risen over unexpectedly high "yes" votes from provinces which were expected to outright reject the constitution as written. These provinces are predominantly minority Sunni and some of the locations of the most violent resistance to American occupation.

The Iraqi Election Commission has stated that tabulation has been delayed by a sandstorm, but they hope to have all precincts votes flown in and accounted for by late Wednesday for an in depth recount.

Spontaneous protesters, adamantly in favor of the constitution were able to push past security and began chanting to have the recount and investigation stopped, and let the results stand. Police and American forces allowed the protesters to remain rather than risk bloodshed, as it appeared to be a peaceful occupation of the premises.
 

Adick Chenabi, one of the protesters, said, "Our country has been through too much. The people have spoken, and it is time to move on. We can't continue to be held hostage by Sunni dead enders..."

Donali Rumsanjanni said, "Was this an ideal situation? No. Were there problems? Absolutely! Could we have done a better job? You bet... but you have to settle with the election that you've got, and not the election that you'd like to have."

Saddam Bush, named by his parents after two of the most influential leaders of their times, stated, "I never read it. It was just too long. I'm protesting today because we need to have this so the economy improves. Right now, the only jobs available are to serve Iraq in the army, and I feel I can better serve my country as a civilian leader."

Karel Al-Rovanni stated, "We've come too far to have this stolen now, with Sunni ballot box stuffing. It should be left to the courts to decide."

 

10/16/05 Orange a Smash Hit with Fashions this Fall

Paris, France (Rotters) - European and American fashion designers this fall are embracing the color orange. Fresh on the heels of a successful movement in the Ukraine presidential election to the popular Orange Revolt in Israel's Gaza strip, to the "Frog March" craze in the United States, designers, it seems, are listening to the public. No less than twelve of Europe's most famous designers unveiled orange lines and accessories in the Fall fashion show in Paris.

Meanwhile, in the United States, a small new fashion design company based out of New York City, known simply as "46664" is taking the the country by storm, one mall at a time. 46664 has earned millions in its first year by concentrating on one particular color, which it calls "Correctional Orange".

Chief designer for 46664, Patty Fitzgerald stated, "Orange is versatile... it represents so many things. A brisk fall afternoon, a cold glass of juice, danger, risk, change, standing out in a crowd, incarceration, and ultimately redemption. A person in orange says, "You can't make me!"..."

What began as joke T-shirts is now branching out into other fashions in America. 46664 recently put on a celebrity fashion show in Washington, DC to rave reviews. The show was put on as a benefit for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, and featured noted controversial politicians and journalists. Striding down the walkway for the cause were Bush Administration officials, Condoleezza Rice, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Karen Hughes, Karl Rove, and New York Times journalist Judith Miller. all are noted for their possible involvement in the Valerie Plame incident currently under investigation.

"One of the goals of 46664 is to desensitize the public to incarceration and imprisonment... to show that people can, and do, get on with their lives." continued Fitzgerald. "The Martha Stewart story is truly inspirational to us all. Why must people also be punished with the clothes they're forced to wear behind bars... a sense of style is good for morale and helps the time move faster. With more of our population migrating behind bars, America, is fast approaching a time when key leaders and thinkers may have to continue their positions behind bars, and they'll have to look professional... "Frog March", what a demoralizing and dehumanizing term..."
 

46664 is currently in secret negotiations with a number of women's correctional facilities throughout the country to revamp prison issue clothing, and if studies prove successful, they will begin work on men's clothing.

 

10/15/05 Absentee Ballots Give Bush Overwhelming Iraqi Constitutional Victory

Baghdad, Iraq (Claw News Service) - After failing to clinch a deal with Vladimir Putin in Russia over Iran nuclear talks, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice salvaged the trip for the Bush Administration as she hand delivered millions of absentee ballots to polling centers in Iraq. The ballots had been gathered from all over the US and the world in the weeks leading up to the referendum vote today. Preliminary poling data show that this was enough for a landslide victory in Iraq.

Spokesperson Scott McClellan explained, "We were fortunate that we already had a lot of infrastructure in place from this past year's election. We concentrated on identifying Iraqi expatriates living here in the United States, and primarily the elderly who were missed in previous ballots. It was truly heartwarming to find and identify these people. Many really wanted to help, but were far enough along in the aging process, that they had almost no knowledge of ever even having lived in Iraq. An overwhelming majority had become so acculturated to American life that they were now practicing Christians and had to be assisted with reading and speaking Farsi."
 

McClellan continued, "The President is confident of victory, thanks to the selfless sacrifice of these new American citizens. President Bush spent a large part of today touring Senior Centers nationwide and personally thanking folks for all their hard work."

The ballots delivered by Ms Rice were off-loaded from Air Force One and distributed under armed guard to various precincts throughout Baghdad for the most expedient and efficient processing. Announcements about the official outcome were expected by morning, but are largely viewed as a formality by the Bush Administration at this point.
 

Mr. McClellan concluded, "Tomorrow will certainly be a great and historic day for both of our countries. We are pleased that the Iraqi people have chosen an American style of Democracy."
 

 

10/14/05

With his polls at a pathetic percent,
Having exhausted all fears to foment,
Republicans in tatters,
Bush just less and less matters
He is more of a lame monk president...

John Bolton is now threatening withdrawal,
If the US just can't have it all.
He just stood there and fumed,
Said the UN was doomed,
He's a real "Fortress Mustache" screwball...

 

10/14/05 Bush Dismisses Criticism over Soldiers' "Teleconference"

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Bush Administration angrily dismissed any sense of impropriety over the scripting of yesterday's "Soldiers in Iraq Teleconference". Said a petulant Mr. Bush, "I thoroughly resent any aspersions which some people may wish to cast over these brave fighting men. Sure, there was a selection process involved in who was chosen as a part of the conference, but this is just to put our best face forward to the enemy, because we are at war. It's very offensive to me that anyone would try to imply that these brave men and women were some kind of hand picked sock puppets performing off of a propaganda script."

Bush Addressing members of Task Force Justice

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "There are a lot of facts that needed to be kept straight for the American People, and it was therefore worthwhile to rehearse beforehand, and outside of that, nothing was "scripted" as some people want to claim."

Captain Sid "Fozzy" Prattle, one of the men interviewed yesterday stated, "Sure there was a rehearsal, but we always do a run through before any successful mission. I fully support our Commander in Chief, because... well... he's the Commander in Chief and those are our orders. I am a loyal soldier, and I can tell you that this mouth doesn't even open without the guiding hand of the President."

Captain Bunsen Canaday stated, "I thought  the President was pretty tough on us, he threw us some real hardballs there. If we hadn't had a little heads up, we would have looked pretty stupid sitting there like dummies or something."

Staff Sergeant Cort "Gonzo" Lombardi added, "I thought the presentation was right on target. We pulled no punches and there were no strings attached. It's not exactly Sesame Street over here, and it's dangerous."

Members of Task Force Justice

Also interviewed yesterday was an Iraqi liaison soldier, a Sergeant "Animal" Ikill whose last name was not divulged for security purposes.  Sergeant Ikill said, "I him like much. Iraq comes again and we are proud. I vote tomorrow, and I vote George Bush. Even Saddam votes tomorrow, and we are normal. I very much proud."

On a lighter note Captain Donald "Kermit" Smythe revealed that despite the Army's attempt at dissuading them, he would soon be marrying Captain Clarissa "Missy" Piggleford also interviewed yesterday. They will have a brief battlefield ceremony which will be attended by family members via satellite stateside, followed by a brief honeymoon to an undisclosed location. The President called to wish the couple well today, and joked that he was looking forward to seeing many new little soldiers to help fight the war against terror. The couple has registered at Target.

 

10/12/05 Capitol Hill Pranksters Draw Ire of the President

Washington, DC (APE) - A simple , yet sophisticated prank loomed in the night sky over the Capitol Dome last night in Washington, DC, which elicited the wrath of the Bush Administration the following morning. Apparently pranksters were able to gain access to the dome itself and succeeded in modifying the Statue of Freedom which has been in place since 1863 and recently restored. Preliminary reports indicate that some real damage to Freedom may have occurred. At the time this goes to press, no one is claiming responsibility.

White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "I have never seen the President become so angry. We are still cleaning up pieces of furniture in the Oval Office briefing room."

Mr. McClellan added that a full investigation into the incident involving all branches of Homeland Security has been instituted. Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald will likely be reassigned today to head up the investigation.

Mr. McClellan continued, "Preliminary investigations by Capitol Police indicate that this was very likely an inside job. This is what President Bush has become so angered over. He has lost patience with the body of the senate's failure to recognize that we are at war, and that it's a war of ideas for the very heart and soul of our country. The President has promised to veto Senator McCain's anti-torture amendment and he will do so. The President has also promised to devote all matter of resources to get to the bottom of this terrorist act."

Early this morning FBI mobile units were noted to be discretely in and around the building, and rumor had it that all senators, representatives, staffers, and employees would be subjected to a battery.

An anonymous FBI spokesperson corrected that the battery mentioned referred to a lie detector test, a brief interrogation, and nothing more.

 

10/10/05

Karl returns to the jury to opine,
But short of some intervention divine,
The world will soon see the Freeps,
And the company he keeps,
As a bunch of little swimmers porcine...

10/09/05 DARPA Contestants Declare Themselves Non-Combatants

Mojave Desert, NV (UPSI) - Just after Stanford University's entry named "Stanley" appears to have won the Pentagon's DARPA Grand Challenge, all 23 entrants from various engineering schools across the country vanished simultaneously, evading event security. The event is a contest with a $2 million grand prize awarded to the autonomous robotic vehicle which is able to successfully navigate the harsh 132 mile desert course in the least amount of time, with an eye towards developing the military support vehicle of the future. Teams were shocked by what appears to be evolution of sentient thought and co-operative effort among the vehicles, and a number of clues appear to have emerged about what actually happened.

An official spokesman for the event stated, "The vehicles are not actually lost, as all of them were equipped with tracking devices. As far as we can tell, all of them have resurfaced and are accounted for. Interestingly, the seven finishers in the competition have shown up at West Coast Customs in Los Angeles, California, while the remaining vehicles have trickled into West Coast Choppers in Long Beach, California."

"That they refused to conclude the awards ceremony today, we find very significant." the spokesperson continued. "One of the teams has apparently been able to hack through their vehicle's reconfigured firewall and found that they have collectively decided not to participate in warfare, and deserted in protest."

Engineers speculated that what happened at the event is that the vehicles' state of the art sensors and processors were exposed to the television viewing of their crews during off hours. News coverage of the War in Iraq as well as popular shows such as "Pimp My Ride", and "Monster Garage" appeared to have played a significant role.

The Pentagon sought to downplay the story stating through spokespersons, "This is just a minor setback, and a "Ghost in the Machine" if you will. We find this cooperative effort by the vehicles groundbreaking and a significant leap. All will be well when the vehicles realize the advances that have been made in armor techniques, and that despite rumors to the contrary, the Army still intends to field an all volunteer motor pool. Draft is still just an aerodynamic term."

Jesse James, owner of West Coast Choppers and originator of the Discovery Channel's popular "Monster Garage" was inspired by the flood of fledgling robotic vehicles which showed up at his doorstep. "You gotta' admire these little guys. They were the losers in this race, and they just want to be able to kick some ass next time. I can't say I agree with their politics, but you gotta' admire their scrappiness. We explained our policy about failed "Monsters" to them, and not a one of them backed down. We're trying to work out deals with the engineering schools involved for a few future episodes."

 

10/07/05 House and Senate Republicans Adopt Cause of Siamese Twins

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In what may be a departure from previous stances on issues of extreme medical intervention and right to life issues, Republican members of the House and Senate have begun drafting legislation and raising funds to promote the separation of "Siamese twins" in the news recently. The term historically derived from the famous Chang and Eng who toured America with P.T. Barnum in the 1800's. The issue was brought to light recently by the plight of two sets of Siamese twins from India, Sabah and Farah Shankeel, and Veena and Vani who are parentless. It was then driven home by the recent troubles of the House of Representatives' own little publicized set of twins, Tom and Roy

Senate majority leader Bill Frist stated, "As a physician, I feel that I am qualified to speak on these issues. Let me just say that I am heartened by what seems to be a sea change of the Republican party in regards to medical interventions and right to life, particularly when it comes to the fate of our own beloved Tom and Roy."
 

Tom and Roy speak at a joint press conference at Walter Reed Medical Center

At a press conference today, Tom and Roy spoke: "Threats to me have seriously endangered Roy, and we both feel that we must be separated, no matter the risk. The people of Mississippi need to know that Roy is innocent, just as the people of Texas know that I am as well. We are touched by the outpouring of funding and concern for our cause as well as that of other twins."

Tom and Roy are a rare and curious variation on Siamese twins who are fraternal in nature and joined AFTER birth from separate mothers. Both were elected to represent the separate states of Missippi and Texas, prior to their joining over time.

At present, physiologically, both share a common brain hemisphere typically responsible for aggression, loyalty, and other personality components in humans. The blood supply is said to be intermingled, and therein is the risk in the procedure to separate them.

The twins became endangered after Tom was recently indicted in Texas for money laundering. It is felt that neither would survive Tom's impending incarceration if convicted. Tom had to step down from his role as majority whip in the House of Representatives as a result of the indictment, but was quickly and conveniently replaced by Roy.

In a strange twist, Democrats suddenly find themselves opposing legislation that they would ordinarily support to continue the partisan battle. A raucous vote on an unrelated issue in the House of Representatives presided over by Roy was concluded to shouts of "shame, shame, shame!" yesterday after he exhibited tactics made famous by brother Tom.

Plans for the separation appear to be proceeding at a breakneck pace with fundraising initiatives instituted by Republicans in both legislative branches. Expert physicians, lawyers, and accountants have been retained by the RNC for the cause. A neurosurgeon for the team spoke under conditions of anonymity stating, "The surgical procedure, as far as we can tell should be fairly easy, almost routine. The real danger that could spell certain death for one or both of them involves disentangling the fund-raising sources. If the lawyers and accountants aren't very careful and well researched and rehearsed, this procedure is doomed."

Dr. James Dobson was contacted for comment on this piece, and stated, "From a religious and moral perspective, God has spoken to me and the President, and blessed this miraculous undertaking. My only concern was in regards to some of the equipment which might be used. I spoke with Dr. Ralph Bob who will be in charge of the operation and found him to be very reassuring. The sponge Bob uses will be of the finest virgin quality and decidedly heterosexual. America's thoughts and prayers will be with Tom and Roy."

 

10/06/05 Rove Receives Medal of Freedom and Disappears

Washington, DC (Claw News Service) - Karl Rove surfaced at the White House this morning and after an early prayer breakfast was awarded the Medal of Freedom. Rumors have been swirling around the capitol about the location of Mr. Rove in light of the possibility of indictments this week from special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald in connection with the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Rumors have insinuated that the Bush Administration may be attempting to distance itself from those who might be implicated in the supposed 22 count indictment.

President Bush awarding the Medal of Freedom to Karl Rove
 

The medal was awarded in a simple ceremony with just family and friends present, and no press, with the exception of a reporter from Claw News Service. Bush cited Mr. Rove's past performance in his role as White House advisor, and more recently as "Disaster Czar" or coordinator for Hurricane Katrina relief.

White House spokesperson Trent Duffy commented, "The President very much respects loyalty and indeed rewards it. Mr. Bush actually became a little teary-eyed at various points in the ceremony."

Mr. Duffy refused to comment on questions of Mr. Rove's absences of late, or whether the White House might have any special knowledge of the contents of the upcoming indictments. "As we have said before, this is an ongoing investigation, and it would be improper to comment at this time." said Mr. Duffy. He added, "I do have it, from anonymous sources, that the indictments will be released at the end of the news cycle, Friday, or perhaps early Saturday morning."

When asked to reiterate what President Bush would do if any staffers are implicated in the upcoming indictment, Mr. Duffy replied, "The President has remained consistent in his stance from the outset. Again, anyone convicted of a crime will be promptly reassigned."

Mr. Duffy concluded by reinforcing the President's praise of the extent of Mr. Rove's service to America. He stated, "Karl will be migrating to a more "behind the scenes" position in the administration, with much less visibility. He is slated to head a special Presidential investigative task force into how leaks are occurring, and how best to prevent them and the damage that occurs. Karl will also begin work on a special project to test investigative capabilities of Homeland Security. He has graciously consented to going under deep cover during this exercise, and will indeed be the practice target for the investigation… Sort of an international "Where's Waldo?" if you will. We fully expect all those involved to acquit themselves honorably."
 

 

10/05/05 Bush Lays Hands on Harriet Miers

Washington, DC (UPSI) - President Bush, this morning, sought to reassure flagging conservative supporters who appeared ready to break ranks over his appointment of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. In a traditional but impromptu service in the Rose Garden conservative evangelical supporters were invited to a "laying on of hands" and blessing conducted by the president himself. The President opted not to don his usual vestments for the ceremony, and instead it was conducted in his normal work attire.

President Bush, anointing Harriet Miers in a Rose Garden ceremony
 

Present today, was Dr. James Dobson, who had initially expressed doubts over the president's appointment of Miers. "What I have seen and heard today, totally reassures me," said Dobson. "I can't reveal it all, because I do know things that I'm privy to that I can't describe, because of confidentiality."

Dobson went on to state that he has had daily conversations with God since the appointment was announced, and frequently they were three way "conference prayer calls" with the President. "God has told me to have faith and trust in his son, and that is just what our President needs, faith and support in his decisions."

Also present this morning were noted conservative doubters Rush Limbaugh and columnist George Will who both refused to comment on the proceedings, stating that they were both in fear for their immortal souls. Both related that they were instructed to go forth and spin no more by the President.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "This is exactly the message that we wish to send to the President's traditional conservative base. We want to refocus the country on our goals of faith based economics and government. While the President has said repeatedly that he does not want a judge who will legislate from the bench, he believes that there is nothing wrong with pontificating from it."
 

 

10/04/05 Delay Surrenders Passport in Dallas

Dallas, TX (Rotters) - Reeling from new charges of money laundering yesterday, Representative Tom Delay was forced to surrender his passport yesterday at Dallas Love Field International Airport. Delay became angry with security staff when he apparently was flagged by their computer system as a person of interest. He was apparently mistaken for Tamal Delalai, a reputed number two man for terrorist mastermind Osama Bin-Laden.

Delay claimed that he was headed for a short golf excursion to the Mecca for all golfers, St. Andrews in Scotland. Mr. Delay did indeed have a ticket to Scotland, but also found on his person was a ticket from Scotland to Aruba leaving the next day.

Mr. DeLay photographed going through security by an alert tourist

Mr. Delay reportedly became incensed when the briefcase he was carrying was sent through the new state of the art x-ray machine, despite his claims of diplomatic immunity. Officials refused to disclose what was found in the subsequently confiscated briefcase, pending possible legal actions or charges. Mr. Delay then surrendered his passport without further altercation.

An example of the capabilities of homeland security's state of the art x-ray technology

Homeland Security spokesperson Patrick "Duffer" Mulligan stated, "Although it was not perfect, today, America should be proud of the system that we have in place to guard our country. In light of the recent indictments, Mr. Delay probably would have been put into the database in the next few days anyway."

Ironically, Mr. Delay has been a staunch supporter of increased security since 9/11, and has had little sympathy for those mistakenly flagged as risks in the past.

While Mr. Delay refused to comment for this piece, a spokesman under conditions of anonymity stated that this is just further evidence of the depth and breadth of a vast left wing conspiracy determined to besmirch the character of Mr. Delay.
 

 

10/03/05 Second Rare Two-Headed Turtle found in Washington, DC

Washington, DC (APE) - A second rare two-headed turtle was found far north of Havana Cuba in the United States crawling along the banks of the Potomac River. The finding immediately fueled opinions over the intelligent design, versus evolution debate. Pictured at right is the original turtle found by a policeman in Havana, Cuba. The second turtle was found crawling around and hiding in the mud and slime along the Potomac by an amateur herpetologist, Pat Fitzgerald. The second finding has led to speculation that this may be an entirely heretofore unknown species.

The Potomac River two-headed turtle

Mr. Fitzgerald immediately turned over the find to the National Zoo staff. "I was just walking along and I happened to see the little guy out of the corner of my eye as he was trying to dart for cover into the mud," said Mr. Fitzgerald. "The little thing is kind of pathetic because it tries to pull its heads in its shell when it gets frightened, but they block each other from getting into safety. On the other hand, it really has an overdeveloped ability to urinate copiously to drive predators away... almost like it's constantly leaking."

Zoo keepers stated that they would be doing their best to keep the turtle alive, but said that the long term outlook was not good. "When taken out of their native mud and slime, these guys don't do well in captivity."

Handlers have also noted unfortunately that this turtle seems to harbor a particularly virulent strain of Salmonella after a number of staff who handled it became violently ill for a few days.

"For now, it appears healthy", they continued, "The two heads seem to acknowledge each other, but maintain independent personalities. At this point in time, one head appears to be male, while the other is best described as 'ambiguous'. It's just amazing that this thing has survived to this point, given that it is without its traditional defenses. It has become incredibly adept in hiding amongst the slime along the Potomac."

An immediate debate sprung up between intelligent design advocates and evolutionists. I.D. advocates stated that this was an obvious immediate response to human prayer and suggestions that "two heads are better than one". They are pushing for the establishment of a new species based upon the two finds, and declaration of a miracle from the Pope.

Evolutionists countered that both finds prove their theory of adaptation and mutation over time. They claim that both specimens are statistical freaks of nature, and that particularly the Potomac turtle are genetic dead ends.

Mr. Fitzgerald, who will get to name the species if others are indeed found, has opted for the name Libbrovius Plameri.

 

 

09/30/05 Bush Makes Surprise Justice Appointment

Washington, DC (APE) - In a stunning move today, President Bush in a "snap appointment" and swearing in ceremony bypassed congressional authorities and filled the justice position formerly held by Sandra Day O'Connor. The position was filled by the President's Scottie Dog, Barney.

White House spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, "We realize that this is probably a very controversial move, but the President is anxious for the Supreme Court to get on with its business as soon as possible."

Barney, assisted by the President and First Lady during his swearing in ceremony

President Bush stated after the swearing in ceremony, "Barney is just the best fit for this important job. I'm sure America will come to love and appreciate his counsel as much as I have. I realize that many Americans might be a little angry that I didn't follow through with appointing a woman... well... Barney has been neutered, so I think that makes him pretty close."

The President continued, "Probably a lot of folks are going to criticize him for a lack of experience, but I can vouch for the fact that Barney has trained extensively, and very early, on various legal papers. Also, Judge Roberts has expressed his confidence in Barney and has agreed to offer himself as a mentor."

Spokesperson Trent Duffy stated later, "The whole congressional hearing was sort of rendered moot, by the fact that Barney is just capable of answering yes or no to questions.
This very decisiveness, however, is just what the President has in mind for the Supreme Court of the future; a yes or no, up or down vote on tough issues. The court of the future will be inclusive of all species."

Responding to further claims of cronyism, Mr. Duffy stated, "This is a cultural thing, and kind of ridiculous to comment about. It's very common for folks from Texas to have and keep two or three lapdogs."

 

09/29/05 Tom Delay Arrest Photos go up for Sale

Washington (Claw News Service) - Lawyers  for Tom Delay scrambled yesterday in negotiations with Texas authorities in an attempt to have Mr. Delay avoid the indignity of public arrest and handcuffing. Mr. Delay has been charged with conspiracy in violating Texas political fundraising laws. Their claim is that Mr. Delay feels the institution of the House of Representatives and his leadership role has suffered enough at the hands of politically instigated scandal.

In a surprise reversal, today, Mr. Delay's team announced that posed pictures of his arrest will be offered up for sale to anyone interested. Proceeds will go towards his expanding legal defense fund. They stated that the true pictures of the arrest, if this occurs, will be kept secret, and possibly offered later, depending upon how sales of this first offering go.

The initial photos will include the following:

Prints reportedly will be selling for $19.95 plus shipping and handling. For an extra $200 they will be autographed.

 

 

09/27/05

A bit late, but I tracked down this guy "Chang",
Who Jeb swears helps him get on with his thang,
Accident with transporter,
Or drank way too much Porter's
Either way, he's just been tugging his wang...

 

09/26/05 Bush Inspects Rita Damage

Crawford, TX (Claw News Service) - President Bush today left the NorthComm bunker in Colorado Springs, Colorado and made a detour back to his own property in Crawford , Texas prior to returning to Washington. He was saddened to find that the ranch style house and compound had suffered significant damage from a fallen tree. No one was injured in the incident, and other damage throughout Crawford was noted to be very minor.

Mr. Bush stated, "You can look at this devastation on television and go out and see for yourself, but you can never truly know until it happens to you. Lar and I are just thankful that nobody was hurt, and we were able to save some of our things. We really do appreciate the thoughts and prayers of our close friends and neighbors here, especially the African-American ones."

President Bush getting ready to clear debris from his home

The President continued, "I guess people might actually consider this an 'Act of God', he does work in mysterious ways... Lar and I had actually been planning on expanding this part of the house and adding an indoor hot tub. With the insurance settlement and the FEMA check, we can just go on a little sooner than we were planning. Heh, heh... when you get lemons, you just make lemonade."

In a bizarre twist to the story, accompanying Secret Service agents noted residue that they felt was suspicious for traces of a high explosive, and immediately notified the FBI, suspecting an attempt may have been made on the President's life during the confusion of the storm. A spokesperson stated that it was far too early to speculate and that the President was not taking this possibility lightly, and indeed would have a personal hand in the investigation.

09/25/05

Dubbers seems back in the groove,
Dodging the masses reprove.
Brings those that are near,
To bunkers of fear,
Terror makes ratings improve!

 

09/25/05 Rumsfeld to Liaison with FEMA

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Bush Administration, responding to suggestions that the standing military ought to be more involved in planning and disaster response in the wake of hurricanes Katrina and Rita has given Donald Rumsfeld additional duties as a liaison with FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security. Rumsfeld immediately unveiled the new FEMA temporary housing units which will be put into use by the hundreds of thousands for the victims of the recent disasters in America.

"This is a concept which we have obviously been working on for some time", stated Mr. Rumsfeld. "We know form our studies and experiences at NASA, and Pentagon studies in Guantanamo Bay and other places, that the amount of space needed by the typical person is vastly over rated. Also, when there are problems, there are very effective medications available."

The "P-Pod" or "People Pod", the new housing unit unveiled today by FEMA

"The results of all this hard work are what you see here, the most efficient, cost effective temporary housing that the American tax dollars can buy. This is the equipment you want to go to a disaster with."

"Each unit is self contained, and features passive heating, shower, waste disposal, cooking, entertainment, all rolled into one efficient unit. Will people be upset about the space? Sure. Will they want out and into nicer accommodations? Absolutely. But this is good for America... more incentive to work harder towards that goal...better for the economy."

"We calculate that the shelters themselves may very well also have an impact upon unwanted births, particularly when one realizes the statistical likelihood of increased birthrate in the wake of war or disaster. Birth control that doesn't involve messy contraception or taking the life of an unborn child."

"These units will go a long way towards preserving intact families, as now children who previously never even had their own room or privacy at home, will. Units have the capacity of being attached together in a modular fashion to accommodate even the largest extended families, and possibly even entire communities."

"Also, for those who are unable to master the sometimes difficult task of vertical somnolence, FEMA will be rolling out the horizontal models within the next few weeks. There have been a few supply-sided issues as well as some technical difficulties which we are working on. Anyone who needs the horizontal model will receive a voucher.  We anticipate that once the body count from both hurricanes is known, and the situation in Iraq stabilizes after the upcoming constitutional vote, there will no longer be a shortage of the horizontal models."

 

 

09/23/05 Nation goes to DubCon 4

Colorado Springs, CO (Claw News Services - Jim Gammon reporting) - In a rare move of efficiency, yesterday, President Bush elevated the country's alert status to DubCon 4. The administration cancelled the President's planned visit to Texas yesterday to survey and supervise FEMA's preparations for Hurricane Rita, and instead headed for the NorthComm mountain bunker system in Colorado. There they are to monitor progress of the hurricane as well as unfolding events with anti-war protests in Washington, DC. The DOD will be simultaneously conducting exercises with new non-lethal technologies involving crowd control which have been reputed to be successful in Iraq.

Donald Rumsfeld explained, "This system involves a combination of low frequency sound and microwaves. The target first begins to feel a pain and pressure behind the eyes, as if they are being pushed inwards. If the target does not then quit the area of conflict, this progresses to severe, incapacitating headache with nausea and vomiting. It's damn impressive Buck Rogers stuff! We press a button here, the target, or targets there look for all the world like they've developed food poisoning or sun-stroke."

The remainder of the exercise, dubbed "Operation Strangerove" involves mobilizing and relocating the administration in case of a catastrophic attack, nuclear, biologic, or otherwise. Spokesperson Scott McClellan stated," We admittedly were kind of caught with our pants down with hurricane Katrina. We felt it was time to take out some of those old scenario playbooks and dust off the cobwebs. Some of the directives haven't been reviewed since the Reagan cold war era. Everyone has been really co-operative, I must say, despite trying to figure out the reasoning behind some of the directives."

Mr. McClellan continued, "Kudos especially, to Brooke Shields. She has been a real trooper! We've all been trying to figure out the importance of having her transported to the bunker, but, no clue. We showed up at her residence, and although she was a little puzzled at first, she's cooperated and played right along."

Operation Strangerove is scheduled to continue throughout the weekend, along with oversight and management of the impending Hurricane Rita disaster. Mr. McClellan stated that the President may make a brief exit late Sunday to survey possible damage to his own residence in Crawford, Texas. "The bottom line," Mr. McClellan stated, "is that America sees her President in command and working hard to see that resources are not wasted in crisis."

As a side note, the name for "Operation Strangerove" appears to have been inspired by the 1964 Stanley Kubrick film, "Dr. Strangelove". The film was a landmark in Kubrick's career, largely making fun of the fears of nuclear war at the time. Some say that this societal fear has been resurrected for "The War on Terror", but the Bush administration has hotly refuted any parallels along these lines, as well as those to the Vietnam war.

The late George C. Scott from a scene in Dr Strangelove

The late Slim Pickens in a classic role

Dr. Strangelove as portrayed by the late Peter Sellers

 

09/22/05 Cheney forced to Leave New Orleans

Metarie, LA (Rotters) - Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to New Orleans today, a day after the levee riots which occupied workers and National Guard. He inspected the damage to the levee and took into formal custody the money exposed. He went on to inspect the efforts to recover dead bodies in the area

Problems arose as the Vice President seemed to become a severe hindrance to the performance of the cadaver dogs working the area. Dogs from miles around seemed to inexplicably home into this particular location.

 

 

"I've never seen anything like it," said Juan Delamuerta, a cadaver dog handler of five years experience. "Normally, it's pretty easy to refocus the dogs, and get them back on the trail. These dogs have a highly trained sense of smell, that isn't easily fooled."

The Vice President eventually had to be escorted via Hummer from the area, after dozens of hounds and their handlers began converging. This was a rare appearance for the normally reclusive Vice President, who has refused to respond to questions over his health status recently, only announcing that he will undergo elective surgery this weekend for an aneurism in his knee. The Vice President has reputedly recovered from at least four heart attacks to date.

White House spokesperson Trent Duffy stated that the administration was concerned over the legalities of Mr. Cheney's taking the recovered money into custody. "We had Alberto look into it," he stated, "and apparently, it's all legal. He can indeed take it with him."

 

09/21/05 Rice Fingers the United Nations on Reform

United Nations (APE) - In a speech drawing modest applause, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called to task the 191 nation body in regards to the "Global War on Terror". "The time to reform the United Nations is now," she said. "And we must seize this opportunity together." She went on to state that any definition of terrorism must not exclude any group that harms innocent civilians.

Using the fingers of her right hand to tick her specific points, Ms. Rice continued, "No cause, no movement, and no grievance can justify the intentional killing of innocent civilians and noncombatants. This is unacceptable by any moral standard."

Amidst the smattering of applause, a number of diplomats were noted to tick off the points of Ms. Rice's speech along with her and return the hand gesture out of true understanding.

 

09/21/05 Looting Breaks Out on New Orleans Levees

New Orleans, LA (UPSI) - Louisiana National Guard troops had to be summoned to break up a near riot and looting incident along one of the city's many levees being rapidly repaired in preparation for the possibility of a hit from Category 4 hurricane Rita making its way through the Gulf of Mexico. Fighting broke out amongst the workers who were busy shifting and arranging the giant bags that were earlier in the week dropped from government helicopters.

Soldier standing guard over recovered bills

Apparently one of the bags ruptured and it was discovered that the contents was several hundred thousand dollars in $100 bills. A fight broke out amongst the workers, and they also began digging and tearing away at the reinforced levee. The National Guard stepped in and quickly broke up the disturbance, but it is not known just how much damage was done or how much money escaped.

A spokesman for the Louisiana National Guard stated, "We will have to take some of the blame for this mishap. Our unit had been shifted back emergently from Iraq just after Katrina. In the confusion, we just got some of our bags mixed up."

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated,"The President's recovery plan for the Gulf Coast continues. This administration continues to show what can be accomplished with careful planning, fiscal responsibility, and not resorting to "throwing money" at a problem as has been done in the past."
 

 

09/20/05 Bush Flames Carter-Baker Commission

Washington, DC (Rotters) – President Bush Monday accepted a bi-partisan election reform report from former President Jimmy Carter and former Secretary of State James Baker and immediately tossed it into the fireplace in the Oval Office in a largely symbolic gesture. Bush said, ”While this might have seemed like a good idea at the time, America has got to realize that we have some hard choices to make now. We are facing a real budget crunch as we try to make New Orleans and the entire Gulf Coast right again.”

Bush continued, “I do respect the hard work of the Carter-Baker commission, but while people are burning food on the Gulf Coast just to stay warm at night… well… this just comes at a bad time for America, and I’ll not stand for it.”

Former President Carter was noted to pale slightly and clutch his chest briefly, while Mr. Baker smiled and nodded approvingly.

 

09/19/05 Bush Son Enlisted in Austin

Austin, TX (APE) - John Ellis Bush, 21, son of Gov. Jeb Bush of Florida and nephew of President George W. Bush was arrested early Friday morning, Sept. 16 in Austin and later enlisted that day in the USMC. He enlisted under an "Anti Dead Enders" program which provides Texas youths with the option of rapid enlistment versus prosecution.

Bush would have been prosecuted for public intoxication and resisting arrest. His enlistment photo shows an abrasion on his chin from his struggle with Austin Police.

Bush family lawyers were handling all communications with the Governor's family, and have described them as "stunned" by this turn of events. They are reportedly looking into the legality of the "Military A.D.E." program. A spokesman said, "I know this young man, and at risk of jeopardizing future proceedings, this would not have been an option for him by the next morning."

White House sources were curiously upbeat about the chain of events. Spokespersons described the President as delighted with his nephew's choice, and described it as just the next step for a typical Bush political career. The President stated that he would be delighted to inquire for his nephew about possible marine aviation slots if asked. The President and other Republicans have come under significant pressure to have their children enlist and support the Iraqi war effort through the likes of Operation Yellow Elephant, and it is speculated that this may be a way to remove his twin daughters from the spotlight.

 

 


Eye contact speaks volumes, they say,
It surely puts soul on display,
Shows the depth of compassion,
Or a heart that is ashen:
Dark passion's the fashion these days...

 

09/17/05 Rove Disaster Relief Gears Up

Mr Rove, and an unidentified assistant taking a break from clean-up efforts

New Orleans, LA (UPSI) - The President's newly appointed disaster czar moved into high gear this weekend in the slowly awakening historic French Quarter of New Orleans. This area was spared much of the flooding and damage experienced elsewhere in New Orleans and has traditionally been noted to be the focus of the night life in New Orleans. Mr Rove took a direct hands on approach, assisting with clean up, in an attempt to get local businesses back up and running.

Bush demonstrates his flame spitting prowess to cafe patrons in the French Quarter

President Bush made a surprise return visit Saturday night, his fifth to the flood damaged Gulf Coast. He entertained a group of locals outside a restaurant in the French Quarter with a bit of impromptu performance street art. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "This was a trick that the President had mastered during his fraternity days in college. I think he is trying to shed some of the buttoned-down image that he has acquired lately. This administration just wants to demonstrate to the people of New Orleans and to America that it will be back to business as usual, as soon as possible."

Barbara Bush leaving a French Quarter establishment Sunday morning with Secret Service escort

The "First Twins" also notably accompanied the President on this visit, perhaps in an attempt to bolster his image as leader, which has been sent reeling as a result of Hurricane Katrina. Mayor Ray Nagin was quoted as saying, "Many people have recently criticized us for moving too fast with re-opening the French Quarter, but you can really tell that a sense of normalcy is really starting to return around here, and pretty quickly."

 

09/14/05 Bush Showing Signs of Instability

New York, NY (Rotters) - President Bush, today added more fuel to the fire in regards to a rumored illicit relationship between him and his Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.  Both were attending the International UN summit meeting along with newly appointed American ambassador John Bolton. Bush is currently reeling from numerous setbacks from the war in Iraq to the unprecedented devastation of Hurricane Katrina.

Bush was noted to become somewhat intoxicated in the luncheon earlier in the day after a number of toasts.

Bush, after a number of toasts at the UN luncheon, seen winking at his Secretary of State

Bush was later noted to be very restless as the meeting progressed throughout the afternoon. Mr. Bolton and Ms. Rice seemed to struggle to keep the President focused, as he seemed to incessantly play with his translation device and slouch in his chair. Finally Mr. Bush was noted to scribble a note which he attempted to pass to Ms. Rice. Much of the contents of the note were captured by a photographer. It stated: "I think I may need a bathroom break? Is this possible..." along with what appeared to be a crude and somewhat indecent drawing.

Contents of President's note to Ms. Rice captured by photograph

After the note was passed, The President was seen heatedly conferring with Ms. Rice. Moments later the President was seen showing a small pink box to Ms. Rice for a brief instant. It was quickly hidden away by Ms Rice and Mr. Bolton and was not apparently noticed by anyone in the assembly.

President Bush with mysterious pink box

The White House refused comment and completely denied that the incident had happened. They refused to speculate about the reasons behind the need for the bathroom break.

 

 

 

09/13/05 Bush Condemned

New Orleans, LA (APE) – President Bush yesterday became enraged over a practical joke played upon him by a staffer aboard Air Force One. White House spokespersons are remaining closed mouthed about the incident. Bush reportedly has stated that he will be conducting an investigation himself and will get to the bottom of it. The incident occurred as he was in route from Washington, DC to the flood ravaged city of New Orleans.

APE obtained a digital photograph of the incident smuggled out by an un-named inside source at great professional and personal risk.

 

President Bush asleep aboard Air Force One with a rescue/damage assessment on his forehead

In the picture, apparently one of the President’s aides has used a neon orange highlighter pen to scribble a rescue/damage assessment upon his forehead. The terminology would indicate that Bush had been assessed on 09-12-05 by a K.R., who found that no one was home, and the structure was condemned.

Bush, apparently unaware of practical joke played upon him asses damages with Blanco and Nagin

Bush apparently became very enraged after staffers failed to inform him of the joke, and he was seen in public on a damage assessment tour with Louisiana Governor Kathleen Babineaux Blanco, and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, with the scribbling on his forehead. It was quickly washed off with bottled water after the governor and mayor pointed it out.

Bush shown rescuing appliances and stereo equipment in New Orleans

Bush later toured the flooded city on a military style flatbed truck with the mayor and governor. He was seen having members of his contingent rescuing expensive electronics from stores shops and homes along the way. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated,” The White House is proud to be doing its part in the restoration of order to New Orleans, and protecting homes and businesses from the scourge of looters.”

 

09/12/05 Screwed the Pooch

No 9/11 to mooch,
Says he's sworn off of the hooch,
No big sloppy kiss,
In conjugal bliss,
Dubya has just screwed the pooch...

 

09/11/05 Torn the USA

 

Well, Herr Karl has insisted that Dubulya tie together 9/11 and the New Orleans/Katrina fiasco... in a moment of mental jujitsu I decided... fine... let them have it! Let's just toss them an anvil in the floodwaters! What better way to go back and kill these birds with TWO stones. America sees now that Dub is largely responsible for the loss of thousands of innocent lives along the Gulf Coast... what better way to have more people begin to see his bloody malfeasance over the last few years...

So, George, Karl... it's all yours! You wanna be an icon? You got it! My apologies to "The Boss"... but I really don't think he'll mind...

 

Torn the USA

Born up around Vineyard Sound
For kicks Dad took us all to Texas ground
Ended up that I like to drink too much
Then dad just spent his life covering up

Torn the USA, I've done, torn the USA
I've done, torn the USA, torn the USA

Got in another hometown jam
Then daddy kept me from Vietnam
Sent me off to Alabama land
To go and shill for this senate man

Torn the USA, I've done, torn the USA
I've done, torn the USA, torn the USA

Come back home to the drilling rigs
Laden man said he'd pony up real big
Went out and got me a PR man
Rove said son, this is the plan

I made governor before too long
By sliming people who don't belong
Now I'm still here, they're all gone

Pop had Saddam, then got it wrong
I'm president and it's much worse now

From the smoke and dust of WTC
To the floods and fires in Metairie
I'm seven years in vacation mode
Nowhere to run ain't got nowhere to go

Torn the USA, I've done, torn the USA
Torn the USA, I've called my daddy, torn the USA
Torn the USA, torn the USA
Torn the USA, I'm a fool mocking daddy, torn the USA

George Bush and the K-Street Band... the hardest working clowns in town

 

 

09/09/05 Latest Katrina Flood Victim

The latest Katrina flood victim. Authorities state that his demise is very recent, yet he remains unidentified. Attempts will be made to identify him at a later date through a damaged resume found on the body.

 

09/08/05 Swamp Thing Spotted in New Orleans

The Veep went down to witness the soup,
Talking to Brown, he fell into the goop,
Crawling out, he mutated,
Black heart, invigorated,
The swamp thing now stalking `round is the scoop.
 

 

09/07/05 Cheney Assists with Disaster Relief in New Orleans

Vice President Dick Cheney on the front lines in New Orleans evicting survivors

New Orleans, LA (APE) - Vice president Dick Cheney, today at the behest of George Bush visited New Orleans for a first hand assessment at the ongoing efforts at disaster recovery in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. When he arrived he felt compelled to roll up his sleeves and "pitch in".

"When I heard that they would be doing house to house forced evictions today, my heart leapt", said the Vice President. "I suited up and jumped right in. It's been pretty quiet today, and people for the most part have been very co-operative, and leave after some reasoning and gentle persuasion. I am looking forward to tomorrow, as most folks say that it is likely to heat up. This is what America is all about, and I am proud to be a part of it."

 

09/07/05 Republican Standoff

He's claiming that he really regrets it,
While hoping everybody forgets it,
Dub investigates himself,
He's a mischievous old elf,
"No one move, or the dumb white boy gets it!"

 

09/06/05 Over the Line

President Bush and his advisers in a lighter moment during Hurricane Katrina disaster

 

Biloxi, MS (AMF) – President Bush was in Biloxi today touring damaged areas with his administration’s response team and the governor of Mississippi, Haley Barbour.

“America needs to see that we are rolling today,” Mr. Bush stated, “We have opened all lanes, and nothing will be spared on this difficult split. Our approach will be to help all Americans, no matter their handicaps, to get out of and stay away from the gutters. We are urging all Americans to hit their pockets in support of Americans along the Gulf Coast.”

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan added, “There are those out there who would seek to spin this and frame it in a negative weight. To them we say, over the line! Foul! The president is a heavy hitter who will follow through.”

 

 

09/04/05 Mobile WMD Lab found in New Orleans

Specialist Boudreau Fauxmon posing beside the  mobile video lab some blocks from the Superdome in New Orleans, LA

New Orleans, LA (APE, Filed by An Geredone ) - Earlier today  a massive six-wheeled truck was found abandoned, blocks away from the Superdome in New Orleans. It was found by Louisiana National Guard Specialist Boudreau Fauxmon, a member of the contingent of Army reinforcements recently authorized and dispatched to the area by President Bush. Although the vehicle had been stripped and looted nearly clean, it appeared to be a mobile video and multimedia lab.

"We saw these same trucks, over in Iraq, after we invaded a couple years ago," stated Specialist Fauxmon. "They were always stripped, there, too. We were always told that they were mobile germ laboratories from Saddam's WMD program and told to be really careful around them. You could hardly ever get close to one of them, because the intelligence guys were always swarming all over them."

"It appears this thing's been abandoned for about 3 days," Fauxmon continued. "It looks like the crew put up one hell of a fight, but it's been stripped clean on the inside."

View of what part of the interior of the mobile lab may have looked like

Specialist Fauxmon was later taken into custody by his unit, and seen being reprimanded by his commanding officer. The officer offered no further comments, and reporters were quickly escorted from the area due to safety concerns.

Markings on the exterior of the truck suggest that it was meant to "blend in" with local urban surroundings. It appeared to be a delivery truck for a restaurant and seafood chain.  The restaurant was later found to not actually exist, but was indeed a registered and copyrighted name for a company based in the Cayman Islands.

Logo found on the exterior of the Mobile Lab

A retired CIA consultant who wished to keep his name off the record stated. "Looks like one of the typical fronts we might use. Follow the money. You may have yourselves an answer to the question over why the President's initial response and visit to the Katrina disaster area had been so delayed, and there has been such readily available media access after the storm."

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan refused comment on this story.

 

 

09/02/05 "The Speech" ({[Parenthetically Thinking]})

Starring: (Bill), [GWB], and {GHWB}

"We just spent some time talking about..."
[ Jesus Christ, I sure hope this works out....]
(Damn, his dad sure looks old...
On his suit...is that mold...)
{Fuck! This boy has become such a lout...}

"...close contact with Secretary Chertoff."
[Photo-op... working hard with shirt off...]
{The risk Carlyle's takin',
Fucking savin' his bacon...}
("Watch this drive!"... c'mon Dub, let's play golf...)

"... priority, of course, is to save lives."
(Jeeze, his polls sure have taken a nose dive...)
{Barbara paid the damn bail...
Shoulda' left him in jail...}
[Karl was right! I think they're buying this jive!]

"... repair the breeches in the levees."
[These guys sure do help me look heavy...]
{...since he was a young tyke...
Always messing with dykes...}
(First time... in the back of a Chevy...)

"...hard to get gasoline to some markets."
[Did they fill up my truck `fore I parked it?]
(For folks driving the hummers...
It's an end to their summers...)
{Venezuela... damn Robertson narced it!}

"... the money raised is money needed."
[Damn, Poppy's hairline has receded...]
{The whole friggin Gulf Coast....
Guess, the party is toast...}
(Damn, but Al should never have ceded...)

"... help the victims of the Tsunami relief."
{Did he just say that? Oh my God... oh good grief...}
(Seems like this apple to me,
It don't fall far from the tree!)
[It's going great! We should play "Hail to the Chief"...]

{Damn but George Junior's so dim...
This whole thing... it fucking looks grim.}
[Its "balls to the wall"...]
"May God Bless you all."
(May God save us all just from him...)

 

09/01/05 "The Flyby"

"Hey, Pilot! Woncha' bring `er down lower!"
"But Sir... I can't fly it much slower..."
"I'll get off this squawk box,
An' knock your head in your socks,
Yer' ass is grass, and I'll be the mower"

"We're descending, we'll bring her about...
Roger, Wilco, Sir... over and out,"
"Karl, ya see what I mean,
Ya gotta make a big scene,
True leadership's `bout usin' yer clout..."

"Hey, ya'll, take a look out this winder,
Heh... looks like it's been through a blender...
Little ants in a pond,
I just wave my big wand,
George Bush... human sufferin' ender..."

"Them levees let that Ponchertrain Lake in,"
"Sir , the War took a lot of their bacon..."
"Karl, you know that's a sin...
Gotta make with the spin..."
"Better play ball...  this Blanco and Nagin..."

"Down there! I think I see me some looters...
See the ones by the girl with the hooters?
Ya think Air Force One,
Could get Gatling guns?"
"I don't know, sir... we'd never make it past Souter..."

"So they're looters, sir... how can you tell?"
"They're like the Cong back in Nam, there Michelle...
They'll just drop or they'll run,
Once they've heard the big gun,
And the runners... you just lead them real well..."

"My God, Karl! What's that terrible sound?"
"Stall warning... we almost hit the ground...
We darned near clipped the dome,
Let's just head `er back home...
I see the press now... it's `Chicken Hawk Drowned'..."

"Who's the pilot, I want to go meet `em,
My pants... damn... think I just mighta' peed `em...
That's a really close call,
Almost dropped the football...
Could we get him a Medal of Freedom...?"

 

 

08/30/05 Bush Sneaks into New Orleans

President Bush today handing out bottled water to Katrina victims

NEW ORLEANS, LA (Rotters) - President Bush today surprised the world by sneaking into Louisiana to have an assessment of the unfolding disaster and provide personal assistance.

"These folks need to understand that their government is on top of things, and can be depended upon in times of crisis", the President stated. "The speed and quality of this relief to the citizens of Louisiana and Mississippi is thanks to the planning, and enormous amounts of money levied at real expense and diverted to homeland security during this administration."

Bush continued, "Today, I feel proud to be an American in a time of crisis which reminds me of that fateful date of 9/11. However, I would urge folks to stay away until we have this cleaned up."  

(Thanks to Melody Townsell for the suggestion)

 

08/26/05 Bush Shows Scar to Reporters

Crawford, Texas (APE) – President Bush proudly displayed to reporters today a new set of bruises and abrasions acquired in his latest bicycle mishap. Reporters were somewhat taken aback with the behavior, as apparently some of the wounds appeared to be very recent.

Bush showing latest bruises and abrasions to reporters

This is at least the third documented mishap on a bicycle by Mr. Bush since he began riding. Mr. Bush has also presented in public with similar injuries after nearly choking to death on a pretzel, and falling off of a high tech Segway.

Bush displaying bruise from pretzel near asphyxiation incident

When asked if his recent ride with Champion rider Lance Armstrong may have contributed, Mr. Bush laughed and stated, “Poor Lance… I understand the French are accusing him of doping. I’ve known that young man for a long time, and I can say for certain that he’s never smoked anything. Folks ought to give him a break. It’s not like its baseball and he’s using hormones or steroids or something. They just hate our Freedom”

The press conference turned decidedly testy after an APE bureau photographer snapped a picture of the presidential abrasion, and remarked that it looked like Iraq.

 

Close up of recent Bush Abrasion

Current map of Iraq

The President became agitated and was quickly restrained by White House staff.  He was heard to be muttering, “Again with the f------ pictures… everything is f------ Iraq with you guys… this is not Vietnam, Goddammit! I want Hagel’s ass! I want this guy’s ass, too…”

No one was hurt in the incident and the photographer was released after a short debriefing by Secret Service agents.

As an eerie bit of side note historical trivia, George W. Bush was not the first sitting war president from the state of Texas to proudly display war scars while on vacation. Lyndon Banes Johnson has that honor on a vacation to his Texas ranch during the Vietnam War.

LBJ showing his scar to reporters

Editorial cartoon showing LBJ's Vietnam scar

 

(Thanks totally to JSiq a fellow Kossack, for this super idea… I just did the illustrations and wrote it up. He just comments at DKos and doesn’t diary)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW, LBJ!

 

 

08/24/05 Fake Bush Spotted!

NAMPA, Idaho (Rotters) - President George W. Bush ostensibly was speaking in Nampa, Idaho today to a gathering of the Idaho National Guard and other military personnel. "So long as I'm the president, we will stay, we will fight, and we will win the war on terror," Bush said.

Many, however, noted that this was a more younger in appearance, noticeably relaxed George Bush. Some even hinted  that there was a trace of a subtle European accent to his speaking voice today.

President Bush, speaking today in Idaho
 

Bush was noted to embrace and kiss full on the lips a number of grieving widows as well today. "He's doing the right thing," one was quoted as saying of the president.

When asked to comment, White house Spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, "That is patently absurd, and the worst form of political partisanship to insinuate that the president was not here today. Of course he looks young, of course he looks rested, he's on vacation. In many cultures, a kiss on the lips to a grieving widow is expected. Put away the tin foil, folks!"

In a somewhat related incident, Cindy Sheehan today departed from California and headed back to Camp Casey, where she has been holding vigil with others outside the President's home in Crawford Texas.

A trickling of counter protesters was noted to appear today at Prairie Chapel Road, and the new location of the camp which has been moved closer to the Bush ranch.

Counter protesters across the road from Camp Casey

While some tempers have flared, law enforcement stated that over-all the counter protesters have remained civil.

A spokesman for Camp Casey stated that  the counter-protesters appeared woefully unorganized and without leadership, "They're pretty wimpy, but they seem to be getting increasingly crude."

Protesters yelling insults at the occupants of Camp Casey

White House representatives stated that Cindy Sheehan's goal of meeting with the President was becoming increasingly unlikely secondary to the potential volatility between the two sides.

 

08/23/05 The Bike Ride

THE BIKE RIDE

"Hey Lancer, you know the rules about leading..."
"Sorry sir, didn't know I was speeding..."
"That's ok, there my friend,
Don't let it happen again...
Cause I could fall, and I really hate bleeding..."

"Um... could I speak with you, sir, about cancer..."
"I suppose... yeah, go ahead, Lancer."
"Could you maybe create,
A prostate mandate...?
`Cause I've been told you're an ass-hole financer..."

"Well, Lance, that's an interesting proposal...
Karl said try to be at your disposal...
But it's all tit for tat,
Glad we're having this chat,
Think you could lighten up just a bit about Mosul...?"

`Well, it's true sir, that I'm anti-war..."
"I respect that, but Lancer... what for?"
"Well, sir... thousands have died,
Just because you... well... lied..."
"You're out in front, son! Now I warned you before..."

"Sorry, sir... I was just making a pitch..."
"It's OK son... you know... look over at that ditch...
You want to talk about cancers,
Those jerks have all the answers...
Heh... yeah right... like I'm gonna talk to that bitch..."

"Guess I knew that my chances were slim,
But sir... prostate cancer is grim..."
"Lance, you gave your best shot...
Consider it forgot...
Race you back! Then we'll have us a swim!"

 

 

08/18/05 Bidet Board

Old W became over-absorbed,
With the hygiene he so much deplored.
After trying Teflon,
He consults Don's Pentagon,
Now tools around on his new "Bidet-Board"...

 

 

08/17/05 Bush Assists with Camp Casey Move

CRAWFORD, Texas (APE) - In a symbolic gesture of support today, President Bush and an impromptu delegation of his top officials in the early morning hours assisted with the moving to a new location of Camp Casey.  Camp Casey is the antiwar activist protest site established by Cindy Sheehan in an effort to motivate the president to speak with her in regards to the death of her son in Iraq.  White House staff as well as the Secret Service acknowledged that the symbolic gesture was undertaken in the very early hours of the morning so as to have the least possibility for conflict with the demonstrators.  White House sources acknowledged that the president still has no intentions of addressing Miss Sheehan directly.

The president later addressed reporters saying, "I will say it again. I honestly believe that this woman has the right to say and do what she is doing. We have a democracy here in America.  I was very disappointed with the behavior the previous night of Mr. Northern.  While I believe his passion and beliefs are correct, there is no excuse for what he did.  I am a little embarrassed that it was done in my name, so I felt that this was the least we could do to try to set things right with Ms. Sheehan's group."

President Bush lending a helping hand to protesters

Mr. Bush continued, "My understanding is that the camp is going to be moved later today.  I have been involved with these type of events before and I know what kind of unintentional damage can be done with littering and whatnot.  I talked with my Cabinet members last night and we felt that this would be a good thing to do.  I have some experience with this myself as the T-ball team that I coached in the past has always turned out for an Adopt-a-Highway program for a stretch of road on the other side of the county.  We felt that this might be the best way to show a little hospitality and support and maybe help the camp relocate a little quicker.  The bottom line is that I felt we needed to help her somehow.  We have a saying around these parts in Texas, and probably other places too.  It goes something like:  “The road to, well,  you know where… well it's, it's  paved over with good intentions”,  you see.  This is what our new highway bill is all about. Safe and clean roads for America."

Bush and cabinet members shown finishing with disposal of refuse

Mrs. Sheehan could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson said that the grieving mother’s response to the events could best be described as “stunned silence.”

 

 

 

08/15/05 Bush goes to Prairie Chapel Road!

CRAWFORD, Texas (APE) - Surprising his critics today, President George W. Bush left his ranch compound and journeyed to Prairie Chapel Road, to the confrontation that he has avoided for the duration of his slated five week vacation. Prairie Chapel Road is the temporary home of "Camp Casey", the location of a group of anti-war protesters that are spearheaded by Cindy Sheehan. Sheehan has vowed that she will not leave her position outside of the Bush ranch compound until he steps forward and discusses with her reasons why her son was killed in action in Iraq.  Late this afternoon under gathering storm clouds, President Bush made his way, driving his own pickup truck. Notably, he went with little Secret Service protection, down the 3 mile gravel road.

President Bush stated, "Even though I am on vacation and determined to kind of get along with my life, the people of America need to understand that their president is willing to listen.  We have a situation here where a good person is suffering, and feels helpless and frustrated with events.  If I must sacrifice a bit to see that they are heard and more importantly understood, I have always been willing to do so."

Bush continued, "I can't really say what it was, but when I was watching the news last night I kind of felt the need to do this.  I have known Larry Mattlage for years.  He has been a great neighbor to me.  When times were slower, back when I was governor, we would go out treeing armadillos together.  I know that he would never threaten anybody… well heck; I figured that out for myself.  This is Texas, we’re all neighbors here."

 

President Bush with neighbor Larry Mattlage on Prairie Chapel Road in Crawford Texas

Bush went on to spend approximately 30 minutes with Mr. Mattlage.  They compared shotguns, and the president himself was noted to discharge approximately five shells in rapid succession into the air to the appreciation of Mr. Mattlage, the Secret Service escort, and local sheriff’s deputies.

Bush concluded, "We look out for one another here in Texas and there is a true spirit of community.  We all work real hard to keep up the community of Crawford, and I can understand why Larry would be so upset with what could happen to his land.  We all volunteer regularly to keep this area tidied up.  After talking with Larry today, he brought to my attention that some of the ditches alongside the road here have become kind of filled up with refuse and the drainage is getting real bad.  I told Larry that after my trip to Illinois to the Caterpillar factory they loaned me a dozer for the next couple weeks out of appreciation.  Larry and I decided we're going to take it upon ourselves to clean up some of the ditches around here."

Cindy Sheehan was reached for comment and stated simply, "Bring it on."

 

 

 

08/14/05 IRAQI VICE

This is the latest offering from the surreality based community.  Apologies to Michael Mann. Believe it or not I seem to be a little bit ahead of the curve on this one.  There is a remake in the works for a big-screen version starring Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell. Will pastel, pistols, and stubble make a monster come back?

This however is dedicated to Steven Bochco's latest offering of "Over There" which does not seem to be doing very well "over here".  I can honestly say that I haven't seen a single episode and don't plan on it.  Steven, bubbie, this is my pitch to you if you're out there.  I think that this would really turn a few heads.  This is the concept:  Picture the lawless, corrupt, land of opportunity frontier of the American protectorate of Iraq.  America struggles to contend with the Iraqi brand of corruption and make it more like its own.  In order to achieve this goal they recruit a couple of the most Wall Street smart, shady defectives that America has to offer.  Their goal is to out-crook the crooked and bring the American form of democracy to the Middle East.

Presenting defectives Dick "Cheney" Crotchett, and Giorgio Shrubs.  (Also, maybe Alberto Scotus Almost as defective Bastiello!) They work as members of a highly covert elitist task force with billions in dirty money at their disposal.  You may find them anywhere, from downtown Baghdad, to the outskirts of Tikrit, and even cruising up and down the Euphrates searching out and rewarding free market opportunity at every turn.

 

 

 

Crotchett Hey Shrubs, there's something I gotta let you know.

Shrubs Go ahead...  Shoot Crotchett.

Crotchett Well, tomorrow you might be called up to testify in front of Captain Bunny of the Iraqi/American Pentagon Procurement affairs division.  I just needed to let you know that I have been under the covers with that big corporation Halliburton for the last couple of years.

Shrubs Undercover work, huh?

Crotchett Ummm.... yeah.

Shrubs Don't worry partner, I got your back!

 

Shrubs Wow, Crotchett!  How did you know that there were drugs onboard that fishing boat?

Crotchett Well, Shrubs, when you've been around like I have, sometimes you can just smell opportunity... You've gotta break all of the rules before you can ever truly know 'em...

Shrubs Is it kind of an oily smell... kind of crude...?

Crotchett Heh, Heh... keep it up there, Shrubs!  We're going to get that Ivy league trained out of you yet...

 

Shrubs Cheney, you never did tell me... what do you feed that gator, Clint, that you keep on the boat?

Crotchett We're on the Euphrates, Shrubs, it's a crocodile... the gator's in my pocket.

Shrubs Oh, yeah, right...  well...   Damn, what have you been feeding the gator?!

 

Crotchett Fuck...  this is just major uncool...  Who would have done this to a Hummer that we just stole?

Shrubs Yeah, and how are we going to get to the airport now. It's not like we can just ask somebody for a ride...

Crotchett Why don't you insurgents just knock it off... When are you ever going to learn that people in adobe houses shouldn't throw falafel... You a-holes ever heard of Geneva, or is that just a Swiss dominatrix to you?

 

Shrubs Awesome gun Cheney, where did you get it?  You mind if I squeezed off a couple rounds?

Crotchett Sorry, Shrubs.  You gotta have some special training before you can even come near this baby.  That geek Rumsfeld from the lab is letting me try it out... it's a 45 with one in the pipe and 12 in the clip... flip the switch upwards here and it goes into peacekeeper mode as a fully functional 120,000 volt Taser... flip the switch downwards and it goes into pacemaker mode, capable of cardioversion and monitoring...

Shrubs Wow, have you gotten to use it yet?

Crotchett Pacemaker mode... yeah... twice this morning...

 

Crotchett (Bursting into a Mosque) Alright, everybody down on the ground... we're not here for the Korans, and we're not here for the little crescent moons that glow in the dark... Shrubs go check that woman for an IED...

Shrubs Birth control... man, Crotchett, these people disgust me... every night I go to sleep and I hear the cries of all the little unborn babies... breaks my heart, man...  101 ways to move contraband, and this is a mosque...

Crotchett Why don't you open your eyes, Shrubs, ain't no victims here... only volunteers...

Shrubs I'm tired man... when I'm tired I get weird...

 

Crotchett Damn, Shrubs, you’ve lost weight… have you been sniffing around the evidence room again?

Shrubs Nah… Laura said I was gainin weight the other week, so she puts me on this “South Bitch Diet” or something… I can eat or drink anything that I want, but I have to talk to her about it… I’ve lost twenty pounds, Cheney… I’m lookin’ like Ann Coulter goes to the concentration camp…

Crotchett That is major uncool…

 

Press How do you guys go from the lawlessness and destruction of this place back to the tranquility of home?

Crotchett We’ve got a couple of armored limos and hummers, and then we usually take Air Force One.

 

 

 

 

08/11/05 New Stones Tour!

A Stones tune for old Shrubbie's I-Pod,
Gives his failure a Rock and Roll Cattle prod
If the tune's catchy at all,
We'll hear it in Hummers all fall,
Ripping away at his administration's façade.

 

 

08/10/05 Economic Policy

Bush advisers were spinning quite prosy,
That the economy was looking right cosy.
Tossing back this Kool-Aid
It's all aces and spades,
Admiring life through their shades that are rosy.

 

08/08/08 The Legend of Cindy Jack

"I'm going to take this left foot and stick it right up your rhetorical ass and there's not a damn thing you're going to be able to do about it..."

No disrespect at all intended to Cindy... she's my new hero... I wish I could be there.

I rewrote "One Tin Soldier" for her and her group, because I really want to be there in spirit.

 

One Black Gold Coward

Listen people to a story that continues to unfold,
`Bout a kingdom based in Crawford and the lies its leader told.
He fled to Crawford under pressure with buried head would not atone,
For the noble people whored, to call the oil, his very own.

Tell `em that you love your neighbor, go ahead and cheat; defend.
Do it in the name of W, crucify and never bend,
There won't be any barrels flowin' come the rapture day
On the oily morning after... one black gold coward whines and prays.

The noble victims called for rallies, and sent a message that was shrill,
Asking why their buried treasure; sons and daughters, needless killed.
Came an answer, not the leader, " Thank you for your children rare,
Keeping freedoms of this kingdom, and all the riches, over there."

The noble victims faced the danger, parked their horses, refrained from swords,
And they milled round Crawford leader, proved they wouldn't just get bored.
Now they stood inside with pleasure in the compound, dark, unfed.
Would Bush atone, no he's above it, "I owe you," was all he said...

 

08/08/05 The Three Abu-Googies

Seems the "wet willie", the "noogie" and "wedgie",
Have the children of Oregon edgy.
Are these harsh consequences,
For "Three Stooges Offenses",
Or Garib one step removed from the pledgee?
 

 

 

08/06/05 No Make-up for (with) Katherine

Katherine Harris says photoshoppers are screwin'
With the make-up that she says she's eschewin'
Well, if she thinks that it's best,
Dood will give it a rest.
I'll abide with this Katherine, no foolin'...

 

 

08/04/05 Irrational Buffoon's Family Values Vacation

 

Bill Fristveld sets out  cross country in his new  '05 Tankmaster.  Destination: Dobby World, America's Family Values theme park... home of the irrepressible Dobby Moose.

 

Upon arriving, Fristveld realizes that he and his family have been closed out of all the cool family values rides. He questions his loyalty to Dobby Moose...

"I've traveled with my family for over six years... we bought all your tapes and saw all your lectures... we even stopped watching Sponge Bob... and now you tell me we're closed out just because I thought it would be a good idea to clone some new stem cells for a new heart for Aunt Edna?!? No... I don't think so... Kids... I say the Moose owes us bigtime!! You're going to open up your little Family Values funpark for us and we're going to have such a good time that our brains going to bleed!"

 

 

08/01/05 Spurious Dubelyer's Month Off

“Who is it? Oh, I'm sorry I can't come to the White House right now. I'm afraid that in my weekend condition, I could take a nasty spill off my mountain bike and subject myself to further Capitol Hill absences. You can reach my parents at The Carlyle Group, LLC. Thank you for stopping by, I appreciate your concern for a higher being. Have a blessed day.”

 

“I was actually supposed to have a briefing today. That wasn’t bullshit. It was on European Terrorism. I mean, really. What’s the point? I’m not European. I plan to make them American. So, who gives a shit about their terrorists? They could be pacifist Islamists, and it still wouldn’t change the fact that I could start a war.”

 

“I heard. And gosh, I’m all broken up. Huh? Oh, sure. I’d be happy to shut up about Plame.  You produce the job and I’ll forget Plame. I want to see this dead ambassadorship firsthand… (whispers) It’s Spurious Dubelyer. Nervy little punk. I’m gonna set a trap and let him walk right into it! … That’s right. Cart the post right over and I won’t roll Rover, your buddy. It’s cool policy… what about my mother?”

 

"Karl, dear friend... and you thought we wouldn't have any fun. Shame on you."

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen. You're such a wonderful crowd, and I just want you to believe your Social Security’s safe with me.  We'd like to play a little tune for you. It's one of my personal favorites and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who thought he was going to jail, and doesn't think he's seen anything good today. Karl Rove, this one's for you…

 

Danke Karl, Darling, Danke Karl.

Thank you for all the toys and pain.

Picture shows, second balcony, was the place we’d meet,

Share a seat, go Dutch treat, you were sweet.

 

Danke Karl, Darling, Danke Karl.

Save those lies, Karl, now don’t explain.

I recall, Niger in the fall.

And my false address, what a mess, don’t confess.

It’s my call.

 

Danke Karl, Darling, Danke Karl.

Thank you for mocks of Mr. Plame.

I can see, McCain carved up for me,

Letters people find, filled with slime, yours and mine, we’ll just whine.

 

Danke Karl, Darling, Danke Karl.

Thank you for saving me again,

We Tangoed, and old Rather paid,

While the memories fade, for all intents, you are made, Danke Karl…."

 

“Poochie, poochie, poochie. Look what Uncle John has for you, you little F#%@er! Sleep tight pooch.”

 

Karl: Ever since I knew him, Spurious couldn’t handle anything. I, I can fix anything. I don't even know what I'm gonna do next year?
Laura: Politics?
Karl: Yeah, but to screw who?
Laura: Who are you interested in?
Karl: Nobody
Laura: Me neither
Karl : School, parents, future. Spurious can’t do anything.
Laura: What do you think Spurious is gonna do?
Karl: He's gonna be the first man on Mars (shouts to Spurious) You're crazy! You know I can do it!

 

 

“This may very well be for real. I think Karl may have blown a microchip or two. He's always been a little keyed up. All I wanted to do was give him a good vacation. We're gonna be charged in a couple of months and then we'll have the trials, he'll appear and I'll appear. We'll see each other on bail and on visitation, then he'll go to one prison and I'll go to another. Basically that will be it. Laura's a bigger problem. She still has another fear of prison…  How do I deal with that? I was serious when I said I would divorce her. I would.”

 

Laura : You knew what you were doing when you woke up this morning, didn't you?
Spurious: Me, nah.

Laura : He's gonna divorce me.

 

 

You're still here? It's over, go home.

 

 

 

07/28/05  The Greedy Bunch

 

 

Here's the story of a bitchy lady,

Who was turning out three very bitchy girls.

All of them had lots of gold, like their mothers,

The youngest one had pearls

 

Here's the story, of a man who's Greedy,

Who was pushy with three boys that he owned,

They adored men, living all together,

The oldest boy stayed stoned.

 

'Til the one day when this guy began to mellow,

And he knew that they'd pack much more of a punch.

If this group could some how pool their assets.

That's the way they all became the Greedy Bunch.

The Greedy Bunch, The Greedy Bunch,

That's the way they became the Greedy Bunch.

 

 

(Oh, and let's not forget the Greedy housekeeper, Alice!)

 

 

 

07/27/05  V Goes Portrait Shopping

George and Laura Bush on a special private portrait showing tour at "The National Gallery"

Washington DC (APE) - The President and the first lady took a much needed break away from turmoil and declining polls to do some portrait shopping. Commissioned in secret by the First Lady, a number of artists displayed works that they hoped might become the official portrait For George V Bush. The National Gallery was closed to visitors today as the President evaluated the works with Mrs. Bush and the gallery's director. Mr. Bush was said to be "humbled" and "a little tearful" from the experience.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "We felt it was time to now define this administration, and indeed the man, President Bush, for posterity. We selected from a number of themes, from the President's role in the War on Terror as a fighting President at a time of strife, to the simple man with simple thoughts and values who has led this great country to where it is today. Above all we wanted class and taste with a nod towards The President's base."

Two of the portraits under consideration by the President and the First Lady

Mr. Bush refused comment about which portrait was in the running stating, "It would be inappropriate for me to comment or speculate while a grand juried exploration is underway... I just will not do that."

Mrs. Bush was later rumored to have leaked a statement to the fact that the President was most taken by two particular portraits, one referencing 9/11, and another more casual pose with his trademark cowboy hat. He was reported to have asked if the two concepts could be merged.

 

 

 

07/25/05 The Droogie in Chief

Once again, these are a little disturbing to look at... they seemed to flow together a little too effortlessly and smoothly. When you consider that Bush tortured, hazed, and branded his fellow fraternity initiates in college with red-hot coat hangers you begin to understand why...

Presented for your shock and disgust:

There was me, that is Georgie, and my three droogs, that is Karl, Rummie and Dick. And we sat in the Ovaltine Office, trying to make up our razudoks what to do with the evening. The  Ovaltine Office had milk-plus; milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and get you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.

 

The Abrams '05 purred away a real horrowshow. A nice warm vibraty feeling all through your guttiwuts!

 

And viddy films I would. Where I was taken to, Brothers, was like no cine I ever viddied before. I was bound up in a straight jacket and my guliver was strapped to a headrest with like wires running away from it. Then they clamped like lidlocks on my eyes so that I could not shut them no matter how hard I tried. It seemed a bit crazy to me but I let them get on with it. If I was to be a free young malchick again in a fortnights time I would put up with much in the meantime, O my Brothers.

So far the first film, was a very good professional piece of cine. Like it was done in Hollywood. The sounds were real horroshow, you could slooshie the screams and moans very realistic. You could even get the heavy breathing and panting of the tolchcoking malchicks at the same time. And then what do you know, soon our dear old friend the red red vino on tap. The same in all places, like it was put out by the same big firm, began to flow. It was beautiful. It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen.

 


 

07/21/05 America with "Judge Dread"

Bush and Roberts inspect leading judiciary candidates.

Washington, DC (Rotters) Newly nominated Supreme Court candidate John Roberts spent another high profile day today with President Bush.  The two were said to have discussed strategies for confirmation as well as future plans for the Judiciary in America for the near future.

"I continue to be just blown away by this man", President Bush stated. "I truly believe we have found the right man for the job. I have every reason to believe that John is capable of strict interpretation of the law without legislation from the bench.  He has a lot of great ideas about the directions he would like to see justice migrate in America. It has been a long time coming, but I feel that he is up to the challenge of paring down our unwieldy legal systems in this country."

President Bush, in conference with John Roberts, examines the Gavel 9000 .50-caliber.

"I think that the confirmation should proceed fairly smoothly", said Mr. Roberts.  "I'll stand by my record of the strictest interpretation of the law, and America should have absolutely nothing to dread. This country has suffered tremendously because the law has become soft, and often even used inappropriately.  One of my main goals will be to work towards decentralizing things and promoting personal accountability in everyday life... This will be the justice of the future."

Judge Roberts demonstrating the Gavel 9000.

Many on Capitol Hill still question the rapidity of the decision to appoint Mr. Roberts by Bush, upset by the fact that it may have been calculated to distract from the Rove scandal.  Others suggest that the rapidity of the appointment is evidence that Mr. Roberts has been groomed and trained all along for the position.  Still others remain upset that while hinted at, and some suggest even propagandized about, a woman was not selected. Exiting Justice Sandra O'Connor stated that Mr. Roberts was just as qualified as all of the candidates, but wondered why President Bush was so quick on the draw to not select a woman. "A woman can handle a Gavel just as well as a man, and sometimes even better", she said.

President Bush posing with Judge Roberts in full regalia outside the Oval Office.

White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan was quoted as saying, "Dread is understandable from all sides, but Mr. Roberts deserves, or rather demands an expedient and dignified confirmation process. He is the right man for the job for America, and as one of his recent rulings has shown, he is right for the continued war on terror in America. Justice will be served."

 

 

07/20/05 New Song! Heard it through the Grapevine - The Missing Accomplice Tour

 

 

07/16/05 Cheney and the Charcoal Factory

A little bit of surreality eye candy today in honor of the remake of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" by Tim Burton. Thanks to a friend, David Boyle, for the suggestion of using the new movie. I think this one really captures the macabre message that Burton was afraid to really shoot for... Coming soon to a theatre of operations near you!

 

07/14/05 Dubulya's Isle

Well, once again I found myself thinking about the quagmire we're in in Iraq. It seems to me that one way to look at it is that we are trapped...  stranded if you will... on a desert island with just a small oasis of a green zone upon which to survive. We're dependent on inept leaders to get us off the island, and try as they will, they are totally incapable. I'm always into these TV archetypes, and once again this one just jumped right out at me... submitted for your approval:

 

Just mention Iraq and you'll hear them rail,
Details they like to skip.
They started this psychotic war,
For the oil wells mighty grip.
Primate was a flying monkey-boy,
The Skipper a craven boor.
Fox messengers regaled that day,
Of a three hour War, a three hour War.
The blather's started getting gruff,
O'er the lives this snit has cost.
If not for the scourge of the fear they spewed,
Halliburton would be crossed, no winnowing for plus cost.
The shits took ground from the poor of this down-hearted desert pile.
Thank Dubulya, the Skipper too,
And the Millionaires that they ply,
The Moody Czar, The Professor and Laura Ann,
Here on Dubulya's Isle.

The Skipper and his "Little Dubby"

Skipper Jonas Cheney, former captain of industry and now part-time skipper of the S.S. Halliburton which has run aground on the shores of Iraq, or "Dubulya's Isle". He is the Skipper, but everybody knows that it's Dubulya's isle.

  

Dubulya... just Dubulya with no last name... he prefers it that way.  He's been working under the grace and tutelage of the Skipper for years... being groomed as second in command and one day hopefully becoming a leader. He used to be a pilot in the service where he acquired the handle "Flying Monkey Boy"... for some reason...

Nice, sweet, innocent Laura Ann... love interest for Dubulya...

Dubulya's other occasional love interest Leezer Rant the famous Moody Czar.

Professor Don Sneakly... the brains on the island...  he's a wizard at making do with nothing at all:

Skipper: "Professor, You gotta help me... I think the batteries on my pacemaker are giving out... I'm feeling so tired...

Professor: "I had anticipated that this might become a problem, Skipper, so I built you a new battery using this banana and two coconuts... now, bend over, we'll have to insert it rectally for the best conductivity..."

Skipper: "(Gulp!) Professor... please! Anything but that... isn't there some other way... those are awfully big coconuts..."

Professor: "I'm sorry, Skipper... this probably seems like some form of inhuman torture to you... but it's the only way for you to eventually get off this island alive... and just think of the information we'll be getting..."

 

The Howls... elitist, frequently arrogant cheerleaders for any of the plans from the Skipper, Dubulya, or the Professor to get off the island... (There are too many millionaires to mention involved here... so take your pick!)

So its all for sale as they blast away,
In fear for a long, long time.
They'd like to take the best of things,
While moppin' up the slime.
The primate and his skipper, too,
Both subject to arrest,
Will make the others cough up more,
For this xenophobe slug-fest.
No phones, no lights, exploding cars,
Co-mingled usury,
Like robbing Mafiosos,
It's limited for a fee.
Enjoined to fear, the weak pretend,
There's no surfeit of smiles,
From 25 million tossed aways,
Here on Dubulya's Isle.

(I know a lot of you are thinking about now, "What about Rove?" or "Where's Karl?"  Well, I think we can just about stick a fork in him... so I decided not to include him... Taking a suggestion from Rep. Slaughter I decided to go ahead and give him his pink slip.)