2006 ARCHIVE

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - Amidst wild speculation over the fate of former dictator Saddam Hussein, US forces in Iraq reluctantly admitted today that they are now not certain over whether Hussein remains in their custody or not. Rumors erupted yesterday in regards to the possible execution by hanging of Hussein as early as this weekend, with reports that he had been turned over to Iraqi government authorities, and that his personal effects had been given to his lawyer, Khalil al-Dulaimi. Both Iraqi and American authorities denied this series of events today, and when US forces early this morning checked on the status of their most famous prisoner, doubts then arose as to his authenticity.

In a convoluted plot reminiscent of a Hollywood blockbuster, it now appears that Hussein's lawyer, al-Dulaimi, may have switched places with his client who was spirited away and disappeared into the streets of Baghdad early this morning. A spokesperson for the US occupation forces refused further comment, stating only that the man that they now had in custody was refusing to talk or cooperate. Concerns had been expressed over the number of body doubles of Hussein that apparently remained at large since the start of the war in 2003, and this morning pundits worst fears appeared to be realized.

A spokesperson for the White House refused to comment on the story, other than to say that the president remained apprised of the situation, and continues to work with Cabinet members in Crawford, Texas on putting the final touches on his new Iraq strategy. A spokesperson stated that the president's anticipated announcement of the new plan may be delayed pending resolution of the execution of Saddam. White House legal counsel was reportedly looking into the possibility of proceeding with the execution of the individual currently in custody in Iraq.

In a related story some of the former dictator's personal effects reportedly appeared today up for bid on eBay. Bids began trickling in for Saddam's personal copy of the Koran, as well as a prayer rug, a poster of Lara and Jenna Bush, and well-worn pair of BVDs. A bid of $40,000 was the highest placed for the underwear, with the poster of the Bush twins at $25,000.

Washington, DC (UPSI) - The Bush Administration today announced, after much deliberation, that it had decided to place the polar bear on its new "Enabled Species List". The polar bear would become the first such animal listed under the administration's revamping of the Endangered Species Act. Under its new designation as an "enabled species" the polar bear has essentially been adopted, through an agreement with the Bush administration, by Atlanta-based corporate giant Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola will be charged with helping to facilitate the polar bear's successful adaptation to its rapidly changing environment.

Coca-Cola CEO, E. Neville Isdell stated that the company was proud to step forward and become involved in the administration's pilot program. "We owe a lot to these big fellas over the years," stated Isdell, "The annual Christmas campaigns featuring them have been some of the most successful advertisements in marketing history. We're happy that we're now able to give a little back."

Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne steadfastly denied that the concession over listing of the polar bear would in any way signal the administration's possible recognition of the effects of increasing greenhouse gases. He did, however, reveal that some of the language of the sponsorship agreement reached with Coca-Cola entitled the company to an undisclosed, yet substantial amount of what are described as future CO2 credits linked to their carbonation and bottling processes.

"We're excited about the future for polar bears, and the ways in which we can enable them to take advantage of their changing environment," stated Kempthorne. "They're natural swimmers, with a true love of the water. Coca-Cola will be working closely with government funded scientists to intelligently design a new breed of polar bear capable of conducting their essential life cycle activities in a purely aquatic environment."

"Our customers will automatically become involved with the adaptation of the polar bear," stated CEO Isdell. "For every purchase of one of our products, Coca-Cola will automatically access available donated funding towards reducing carbon footprints, which will be put towards selective breeding programs for strong swimmers. In addition, there are exploratory studies underway in which 2 L plastic containers can be recycled and combined in masses to serve as floating replacements for the diminishing sea ice, providing brief rest areas for the newer, more aquatic bears."

Isdell encouraged consumers to support the Enabled Species Act through their purchases of Coca-Cola products. "This is an awfully big carbon footprint that we're attempting to fill, and were going to need everybody's shoes to get the job done," concluded Isdell.

Washington, DC (APE) - In an apparent attempt to lead by example President Bush today was seen making the rounds of after Christmas sales at a couple of very busy rural Virginia outlet malls. In a controversial end of the year press conference at the White House last week the president had encouraged all Americans to go shopping, stressing the need for continued improvement of the economy. Businesses nationwide are literally praying that brisk after Christmas sales may simulate what has been thus far a mediocre year for retail sales.

"I encourage you all to do your patriotic duty and get out there and mix it up," stated Bush, "there are some real bargains to be had, and you'll be supporting our troops in the war on terror by showing the terrorist killers that they can't stop our way of life."

The White House remained secretive in regards to the president's purchases, but the Secret Service in attendance was noted to be helping out by carrying a number of articles of clothing. Witnesses also say that the president spent a lot of time in a boating and fishing outlet store before speeding away in the presidential motorcade.

Fellow shoppers appeared to take the presidential visit in stride, although a number of angry customers complained of being pushed out of popular stores by the president's security contingent.

"I had my heart set on a new "Surfmate" fishing rig for my truck," said Beaufort Hunsacker, 45, of Virginia Beach, Virginia. "Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World had it for 50% off, so I made the trip all the way from Virginia Beach this morning. I got to the store early this morning and almost had one in my hands, and all of a sudden I got tackled from behind, and this Secret Service guy is telling me to relax and stop struggling... after the pepper spray I couldn't really see anything else that happened. The "Surfmate" was gone after they let me go."

The White House confirmed that there was a minor altercation at one of the stores the president visited, but insisted that the president was in no danger at any time. They confirmed that Mr. Hunsacker was released after it was determined that he represented no threat to the president.

The president reportedly will be leaving Camp David later this evening with plans for a brief fishing/working vacation at an undisclosed location prior to the new year.

Washington, DC (Rotters) - After an exhaustive search of over 200,000 troops serving in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other overseas locations the Pentagon was able to locate a handful of servicemen and women who were willing to talk with the president and receive his Christmas greetings to them. The president spoke in a conference call via phone from Camp David, Maryland, dressed as Santa to mark the occasion. The following are highlights of his inspirational messages to the troops:

President: "Merry Christmas everybody! What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas? Heh, heh... how's your morale?"

PFC Elwood Jones (USMC, Anbar province, Iraq): "Who is this? This is a joke, right... this isn't funny, you guys... I'm supposed to be off duty tonight..."

SPC Kelly Harwood (USA reserves, Green Zone, Baghdad): "Me? I just want to come home for Christmas..."

President: "Heh, heh... lots of times children want things that are unrealistic or not really good for them... it's Santa's job to sort of decide for them what's best... I just want to thank you all for the outstanding job you're doing for your country. I know it's a tough call, but the American people sent me a pretty clear mandate in November that we should stay in Iraq and Afghanistan until the job's done, and pretty soon we'll be sending you some fresh meat... heh, heh... a few more boots on the ground to help out."

LT Daniel Levitan (USArmy Special Forces, Kandahar, Afghanistan): "I just want a surge protector..."

PFC Alvin Seville (USMC, Camp Liberty, Baghdad): "Morales?!? How's Morales?!? Morales bought it yesterday, you sick f***!.... They had us patrolling in those stupid Santa outfits... that white trim is an easy target in the middle of the night... who's bright f****** idea was that? Morales was going home next month and now he's gone..."

President: "Morale is important... it's a good thing... it makes you feel good. It's sort of like armor... it protects you... ya'll need to know that you're going to get the best morale that money can buy..."

SPC Harwood: "Our unit pooled all of ours and used them to protect the latrine... the other night Captain Fraggins was saved when they stopped a mortar..."

PFC Jones: "This is for real...? That's the Chimp on the line...? I don't care, somebody's makin' this time up for me..."

SPC Harwood: "... I talked to a guy the other day with EOD... he says they've been using them to blow up IEDs that they find..."

President: "Outstanding! Adapt and improvisation... Any messages you'd like to forward to your families...?

President: [sniffling, and wiping a tear from his eye] "That is just so touching... here's a young man half-way around the world fighting for his country who shows us all what Christmas is all about... it's all about Jesus... and sacrifice... and being crucified... Best of luck to you son, maybe we'll be seeing you stateside really soon... I hope everybody got a chance to meet with my new point man Gates last week, and give him some of your thoughts... he's got some great ideas about how to improve our operating systems in Iraq..."

PFC Seville: "Bill Gates is in charge now?!? What the f***... ?!? It's not like the insurgents weren't hacking into the local police and the Iraqi Army with Rumsfeld in charge... but now we've got to upgrade to Windows Vista... ?!?"

PFC Jones: "Tell my mom and dad to call our senator and get us all out of this frackin' hell hole now!"

President: "Heh, heh... looks like I've got one more for the naughty list... America will thank me someday for those little lumps of American coal in their stocking if we leave before the job's done and the oil dries up... Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukah from the proud citizens of the United States of America."

CPT Karl Roverton (USA PSYOPS, Undisclosed Location): "I want to personally sum up the thoughts of all the brave fighting men and women around the world in the US armed services, and personally thank you for all your vision for the future and commitment to peace and Democracy for the world through superior firepower... God bless you Mr. President."

The White House issued a statement praising the morale of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, insisting that it was far from dead. A spokesperson stated that Mr. Bush would be having a working celebration of Christmas at Camp David with family, friends, and cabinet members. He is expected to put finishing touches to his highly anticipated "Way Forward" strategy for Iraq after close consultations with Barney, Mrs. Beasley, and first lady Laura Bush.

Lazaro Cárdenas, Mexico (APE) - Three Mexican soldiers were killed early yesterday while attempting to eradicate an apparently new resistant hybrid cultivar of marijuana called "Cannabis Sativa-Audrey". The three soldiers names were not released pending notification of their relatives. They were all among a group of soldiers who were transported aboard helicopter gunships into the remote western state of Michoacan as part of new Mexican president Felipe Calderon's expanded war on drugs.

The new plants now referred to as "Audreys" mature and propagate at an alarming rate, and seem to have stemmed from one common root system which has thus far been resistant to all pesticides, fire, and nuclear irradiation. United States DEA sources fear the possibility of this new highly potent form of marijuana literally creeping across the border by sometime next summer if it is not halted.

Mexican Army General Manuel Garcia spoke with reporters allowed to accompany the raid. "These plants really took us by surprise, and my profound sorrow goes out to the families of the three brave men who died today fighting them," said Garcia. "We had been responding to stories in this area of missing American DEA agents and farm animals and had assumed it had been as a result of drug traffickers, and now we have our answer."

Horticulturists were at a loss to explain how the incredibly adaptive hybridization of Cannabis Sativa-Audrey had been engineered. Some speculated a three way cross with kudzu, marijuana, and venus flytrap, but most agreed that the aggressivity and rapid self-pollenization of the plant was likely aided by swarms of killer bees which continue their inexorable march to the US border. Initial analysis of the THC content of the new plant revealed a potency far surpassing anything achieved to date in the US.

"For each Audrey that you are able to seemingly kill off hundreds of others crop up from the tendrils and rootlets left in the ground," said Garcia. "This is a disturbing development. In the past, drug cartels spent lots of money in order to secure and hide away their fields, but the Audrey removes that need. Traffickers have developed an almost symbiotic relationship with the plant. It seems to enjoy and prosper from frequent pruning of its highly potent leaves and an occasional blood meal."

"We are determined to shut down delinquency and stop crime in Mexico because it is endangering the lives of all Mexicans, of our families," said President Filipe Calderon. "With this new plant, unfortunately, we are neither winning nor losing the war on drugs."

Minneapolis, MN (Rotters) - Representatives Virgil Goode (R-VA) today sought to elaborate on his controversial statements in regards to using the Koran to swear in recently elected Muslim representative Keith Ellison (D-MN) by journeying to the newly elected representative's home state of Minnesota. In a speech delivered at the county courthouse steps in Minneapolis to a small but enthusiastic throng of supporters, Goode again refused to apologize for his statements issued in a letter to constituents in his home state of Virginia.

"I am simply saying that America is full right now," stated Goode. "There is a very delicate racial, religious, and economic balance in this country, and we don't need to be inadvertently tipping the scales by advocating for wrongheaded immigration policies which will ultimately take jobs away from Americans. I have nothing against Representative Ellison and his ability to practice whatever religion he likes behind closed doors, but I cannot stand by idly and watch as a symbolic gesture emboldens terrorists and puts America in danger. My constituents understand this, and if I didn't make this stand, there might very well be a Lynch mob waiting for ME back home in my district."

Many critics have compared Goode's seeming gaffe to that of fellow Virginian Senator George Allen's famous "Macaca" statement which possibly cost him the midterm election in November. Curiously, with no ongoing election, there does not appear to be a growing groundswell of criticism of Goode's remarks, however.

After his speech to supporters in Minneapolis, Goode was asked by reporters to comment on the similarities between his position on Ellison's use of the Koran and Allen's Macaca incident.

"No comparison." stated Goode. "While I have the greatest respect for Senator Allen, I feel he was the victim of his own imprecise language. If he wanted to call the young gentleman a monkey, he should have just called him a monkey... people would know what he meant. You don't see me referring to Representative Ellison as a "towel head" do you? There are many fine, upstanding and God fearing Arab-Americans who shouldn't be tainted by Mr. Ellison's behavior."

When it was pointed out to representative Goode by reporters that Keith Ellison was an African American born and raised in Detroit, Michigan who later converted to Islam, Goode simply responded, "whatever."

New York, NY (APE) - In a breathtaking last-minute surge, the new toy "Boratz" appears to be the hottest item for kids under the Christmas tree this year. Stores have sold out nationwide, with fist fights actually breaking out amongst customers for the few remaining insult dolls. Boratz manufacturer, MGA, appears to have successfully married the popular movie character to the ever elusive six to 12-year-old market, creating the must-have toy for kids this year.

With animatronic antics and speech rivaling TMX Elmo, the $50 Boratz has also raised eyebrows of parents and advocacy groups alike by bringing racism, chauvinism, and various other isms straight into the homes of impressionable children. At the push of a button, Boratz offers thinly veiled and suggestive insults to other toys, followed by a resounding "thumbs up" by the doll. As an example, when placed near a Barbie or a Ken and activated, the anatomically correct Boratz might offer, "What has happened to your pee pee?!"

In another stroke of marketing genius, MGA also elected not to include Boratz' trademark accessory, the yellow, over the shoulder slingshot thong. This is being sold as an accessory and apparently is in even more short supply than the doll itself.

EBay accounts have sprung up over the weekend with apparent offers of over $1000 in some cases for the doll. There is apparently one eBay member offering to swap even for the doll with a brand-new PlayStation 2. A fistfight broke out this weekend in a Toys "R" Us in Seattle, but it was not immediately apparent if it was over the last Boratz doll on display, or something that the doll itself might have said.

Tokyo, Japan (Rotters) - A spokesperson for outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today announced that the Pentagon had reached an agreement with Nintendo Inc. to purchase the 3.2 million controversial Wii controllers currently being recalled by the video game manufacturer. Monetary figures in regards to the deal were deemed classified and not released to the press. The secretary of defense spokesperson praised the 11th hour agreement, stating that it came just in time before closer scrutiny of the war budget begins under a Democratic led Congress in January.

The Army apparently became interested very early on as reports of the accidental mayhem attributed to the controllers began surfacing in the press. After considerable development, Pentagon authorities claim that the Wii will be reborn as a deadly multifunction combat device.

"We were impressed with the natural ergonomics and physics involved with the device," stated an anonymous Pentagon source. "Simplicity is always best. The breakaway wrist strap is pure genius... it harkens back to the effectiveness of the sling. Penetration is vastly enhanced as compared to the soldier just attempting to toss, say, a grenade."

"Today's young GIs know their way around a game controller, so this is a natural fit for the modern army," continued the Pentagon source. "The new Wii will serve as a remote detection and detonation device in our ongoing war against IED's. In a pinch, with motion detected activation, it can also serve as a penetrating explosive device. We view it as a sort of modern day marriage of the bayonet to the hand grenade. If the need arises, a depleted uranium model with launcher is also on the drawing board."

Nintendo Co. President Satoru Iwata said that he was pleased that the company would be able to make a small contribution in the global war on terror, and stated that talks were underway to possibly reinstate Japan's commitment of peacekeeping troops to Iraq, having them serve as technical advisers for the new device. Iwata further assured customers that production would be significantly increased to address Christmas demands for the new gaming machine. He further stressed that a multi-tiered quality control process would assure that there would be no accidental release of the military device with children's game systems.

12/14/06 Mel Gibson Expelled from Iranian Anti-Holocaust Conference, Briefly Detained by Ahmadinejad

Tehran, Iran (APE) - Australian actor/director Mel Gibson was briefly detained and then expelled yesterday after an outburst at Iran's controversial international anti-Holocaust conference. Gibson had been welcomed to the conference by the country's anti-Israeli President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and was considered a prized contributor along with former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke. Gibson was observed to be polite and respectful throughout the conference, appearing with Ahmadinejad and others, but when it came time for his presentation, he began railing against those present, insisting that they were all willfully delusional, and that the Holocaust had indeed occurred. At that point, a fistfight broke out between Gibson and an enraged Duke, and both were quickly separated and removed from the center stage.

Gibson became engulfed in controversy surrounding a DUI arrest earlier this year, during which, in a drunken rage, he hurled anti-Semitic invectives against the arresting officers. Gibson subsequently entered alcohol rehab and maintains that he has been clean since his discharge. Gibson has publicly apologized repeatedly for this behavior, and his publicist stated that Gibson's appearance at the conference yesterday was apparently something that he felt passionately about doing to further make amends.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reportedly had Gibson detained briefly after the incident, but he was released and expelled from the country later the same day.

"This is the hand of Bush and the Israelis," stated Ahmadinejad to Al Jazeera reporters. "We have elected to release Mr. Gibson and expose his connections with Mossad and the CIA for the world to see. Everyone will now see the lengths to which Israel is willing to go to suppress Islam."

David Duke reportedly remained hospitalized in Tehran, and authorities there refused to disclose details in regards to his injuries.

A Louisiana Klan spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated that a fatwa had been issued throughout the organization in regards to Gibson, and suggested that the actor/director would do well to remain in Australia.

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush today continued his quest for input into a resolution of the unpopular Iraq war by broadening his outreach to national news and opinion media figures. Bush hosted a roundtable discussion of the Iraq study group's recommendations with Cabinet members and featured experts Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly. The meeting was described by White House staffers as "jovial" and "very productive".

Administration critic Ann Coulter was also invited, but was unable to attend, according to her publicist, as she was scheduled to make a lower court appearance today in order to enter a plea in regards to voter fraud charges leveled against her.

"It's important that the American people be aware both of his consultations and our level of concern about making him appear right," stated press secretary Tony Snow.

"I don't think the president is necessarily looking for the right answer," said Republican strategist Ron Kaufman. "He's looking for a miracle... the miracle of a stable democracy for the people of Iraq. If some radio talk show host or television pundit can help postpone or stall the impending "final solution" in Iraq, then the president has made a good decision."

The meeting with Limbaugh and O'Reilly was said to be very relaxed and "convivial" in contrast to the gravity of the subject matter according to White House sources. O'Reilly took the opportunity to present Limbaugh with an Andrea Mackris autographed cigar, which he promptly lit and smoked throughout the meeting. "I think this is the first cigar that's been in the White House since the Clintons left," quipped the president, "or at least since Bandar came by after 9/11."

The White House remained closed lipped in regards to the specifics of O'Reilly's and Limbaugh's recommendations, but stated that the president felt cheered by the advice given and valued the important fairness and balance given to the harsher and more specific recommendations of the Baker/Hamilton Iraq Study Group Report.

"Like 19% of Americans, this administration is convinced that we will succeed in Iraq," Bush said after the briefing, "There's no need for the fat lady to be singing over spilled milk just yet."

12/11/06 Rumsfeld Joins Iraqi President Talabani in Rejection of Iraq Study Group Recommendations

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - Former Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld joined embattled Iraqi President Jalal Talabani yesterday in declaring the recent Iraq Study Group recommendations "an insult to the people of Iraq." "It is not respecting the desire of the Iraqi people to control its army and to be able to re-arm and train Iraqi forces under the leadership of the Iraqi government," stated Talabani. "The consequences of failure are unacceptable," stated Rumsfeld at a combined press conference, "the enemy must be defeated."

"I believe that President George Bush is a brave and committed man and he is adamant to support the Iraqi government until they've reached success," said Talabani.

Rumsfeld went on to announce that out of the president's sense of commitment, he would be remaining in Iraq, and working closely with the fledgling government to ensure its success. He also stated that there were some small points of agreement in regards to the study group's recommendations that might possibly be implemented by the Bush/Talabani administration. One controversial suggestion in particular was the immediate initiation of talks with warring factions within the country. "You nation build with the guerrilla fighters that you have, and not necessarily the ones that you'd like to have," stated Rumsfeld. "It's important to note that one man's insurgent might be another man's detergent."

Rumsfeld will reportedly be appointed as an interim secretary of defense for Iraq, overseeing the development of its armed forces. Rumsfeld vowed to bring his concept of a lean, fast, and efficient strikeforce to the Iraqi army. Rumsfeld has pioneered the art of warfare without essential armor and protection, training for which the Iraqi Army and police are in desperate need.

Rumsfeld also took the opportunity to bid farewell to US troops stationed in Iraq. Visiting 1200 soldiers and Marines at al-Assad, he stated, "for the past six years, I've had the opportunity and, I would say, the privilege to serve with the greatest military on the face of the earth... and I look forward to creating the same for the Iraqi people."

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a combined press conference yesterday with British counterpart Tony Blair, President Bush bristled at Blair's and reporter's insistence on adherence to the recently published Iraq Study Group (ISG) report. Blair expressed his willingness to not indulge in a "salad bar" acceptance of the recommendations, insisting that the British would be more than willing to clean their plates and come back for seconds.

Bush became momentarily angered by a BBC reporter, who offered that the president's language indicated that he was still entrenched in denial, in regards to the growing catastrophe in Iraq. Bush gestured to the reporter, and insisted that he needed to be more "flexible and realistic" in his assessment. He gestured repeatedly as he described what would be the consequences to his administration if he admitted to its failure to stabilize Iraq, insisting that the future of the Republican Party would be put at risk.

Bush insisted that he would be waiting upon the results of other reports including one from the National Security Council which might offer more favorable assessments and approaches consistent with his administration's views. He insisted that the sense of urgency in regards to the growing civil war in Iraq was highly partisan, and politically motivated. "We've got plenty of time," stated Bush, "and this administration is determined to stay the way forward in Iraq."

Bush again angrily gestured at a BBC reporter, when it was pointed out to him that another meaning for the word "stay" could be to "halt" or "stop".

"Stay means what I decide it means," concluded Bush as he angrily left the podium.

The White House offered no apologies for the president's remarks, and insisted that all bets were off as to how the president would play his hand over the ISG recommendations. With political stakes rising, the White House appeared to be willing to "stay" at this point.

Title Screen: There was a land of Profiteers and Oil Fields called the New South... Here in this petty world, Fealty killed its last sow... Here was the last ever to be seen of individual rights and their basest scares, of disasters that would enslave... Look for it only in neo-con texts, for it is no more than a scheme dismembered. A Machination gone with the spin...

12/06/06 Bush Administration Supports NASA Moon Landing, Denies Desire for Hardened Bases on Moon

Cape Kennedy, FL (APE) - One day after NASA announced ambitious plans to return to the moon by 2020, the Bush administration expressed total support for the project. An administration spokesperson stated that as a result of the Baker commission report they would be seeking to expand the war on terror to address potential American targets and interests on the moon, but steadfastly denied rumors the administration would be seeking to install "hardened bases" on the moon.

Citing the universal importance of the crescent moon symbol to Muslims worldwide, an administration spokesperson stated that it was "highly likely" that Al-Qaeda would attempt to transplant its brand of radical Islam to the stars, and that the moon represented the perfect stepping stone. "It's only a matter of time before they have nuclear capability," said the anonymous spokesperson, "and the moon represents an irresistible launch platform for earthly as well as lunar targets. It's the equivalent of the insurgent who drops an IED onto a convoy from the highway overpass... difficult to detect and defend."

White House plans initially envisioned a military/security crewmember to accompany each mission in the establishment of a manned base on the moon, with future missions designed to promote a separate and independent military base. The military would then withdraw its forces as NASA personnel became trained and better able to provide their own security. The White House denied that it was seeking a permanent military presence on the moon, but stated that secret talks were underway with all the former signatories to the Peaceful Use of Outer Space Committee to address language in the pact that it found too restrictive.

"The moon is too strategically important to be allowed to fall into the hands of terrorists," said the White House spokesperson. "This is precisely "the way forward" in the war on terror that the president has been looking for."

12/05/06 Cheney Joins Rumsfeld, Bolton in Resignation, Bush Announces Miers as First Woman VP

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a hurried press conference early this morning, a tearful and angry George Bush announced that he had late last night regretfully accepted the resignation of Vice President Dick Cheney. He introduced his personal lawyer, and failed Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Myers as his selection to replace Mr. Cheney. Pending approval of Congress, Myers would become the first woman vice president in US history.

Cheney's resignation comes in a tumultuous week for the Bush administration on the heels of last month's resignation of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and yesterday's resignation of United Nations Ambassador John Bolton, both long-standing touchstones of controversy for the president.

The White House refused to comment on the motivations for the vice president's resignation, stating only that the vice president felt that "the time was right" to do so. An anonymous White House spokesperson suggested that there would likely be a leaked memo from the vice president in the next few days that could possibly shed some light on the president's motivations.

Rumors immediately began circulating over the possible resignation of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice who was reportedly enraged over the appointment of Miers, feeling that she should have gotten the nod as the new vice president.

President Bush again lashed out at what he said were a handful of "partisan Democratic senators" who constantly questioned and obstructed the vice president on implementation of his plans for Iraq. "Their stubborn obstructionism ill serves our fortunes in Iraq," stated Bush, "and their tactics will disrupt our cash flow at a sensitive and important time." Bush went on to praise Mr. Cheney for his service to America and said that he would continue to rely upon him during key policy considerations, stating that he had done a "fabulous job".

Bush then praised Miers as his selection to replace Cheney. "I never accepted the reality that she could not be confirmed," stated Bush, referring to his controversial failed nomination of Myers as Supreme Court Justice.

Myers then thanked the president for his faith in her and pledged her continued loyalty and service to the administration.

Some analysts viewed the vice president's departure as a symbolic tipping over of the chessboard, after having lost too many pieces within the last month. Some also interpreted Cheney's resignation as the departure of the historic neoconservative influence over the White House, while others viewed it as merely a retreat to an underground bunker at an undisclosed location.

Houma, LA (APE) - Terrebonne Parish Sherriff Jerry Larpenter today stated that authorities there were hot on the trail of the worst serial killer in the state's history. Parish police displayed a picture of the lead suspect to the press today, stating that he was responsible for over 1697 deaths in his short spree of a little over one year. Most were concentrated in Louisiana but the total also included some victims in surrounding states.

Another victim was found just this week in the ruins of the Ninth Ward in New Orleans. The majority of the killer's victims had all the appearances of having drowned.

A Parish spokesperson stated that at this point it was very unlikely that they would be able to obtain a confession from their suspect, but that circumstantial evidence in all 1697 cases was overwhelming. He pleaded for anyone with inside knowledge to please step forward and help bring the killer to justice. Authorities admitted that they were fearful that their suspect was an international flight risk, citing evidence of a recent purchase of property in Paraguay.

Hundreds of tearful family members attended the press conference, bringing pictures of the victims.

"God I hope they get him. I hope he gets the death penalty," Jean Thibodaux said. "My brother didn't deserve for anything to happen to him. He thought he was safe."

Georgetown, DC (APE) - The president's chief political adviser, Karl Rove, was rushed to Georgetown University Hospital last night in serious condition. The White House stated that Rove had been experiencing flu-like symptoms over the past two weeks with some reported hair loss. Police and hospital physicians suspected early on that Mr. Rove was likely the victim of a poisoning, and this morning stated that blood and urine tests had uncovered the agent.

Georgetown physicians this morning stated that Rove apparently had come into contact with a rare and deadly rhetorical isotope called Pelosium 2008. Authorities said that further investigation and testing revealed significant trace quantities throughout the Capitol Building, but stated that due to the incredibly short half-life, no threat was posted to Senators, Representatives or workers in the area.

Pelosium 2008, in susceptible individuals is noted to be highly neurotoxic, concentrating in the brain within the areas responsible for executive functioning. This can result in serious and long-standing lapses in judgment, with an inability to perform competently day-to-day activities. If left untreated, as is apparently the case with Mr. Rove, this can progress to other symptoms such as anemia, hair loss, and eventual organ failure, resembling a heavy metal type of poisoning.

Doctors related that they were hopeful that Mr. Rove would make a complete recovery, but stated that his condition would likely be touch and go over the next few weeks. They stated that it was a positive sign that they had not yet had to resort to IV fluids, as Mr. Rove was responding well to a Kool-Aid only diet by mouth.

While he has moved in and out of delirium, over the past 24 hours, Rove has apparently been very tight lipped about how he might have come into contact with the Pelosium. FBI authorities summoned onto the case stated that they had high hopes of tracking down the likely suspect, and that even minute traces of Pelosium 2008 are very readily detectable.

Family members and friends of Rove stepped forward very quickly to adamantly deny the possibility that Rove might have been either an intentional or inadvertent self-inflicted victim.

Hospital authorities refused to either confirm or deny rumors that Vice President Dick Cheney, and former Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman had sought treatment for similar symptoms, late last night. Other local hospitals braced for what was feared might be a rash of illnesses on Capitol Hill.

Homeland security head Michael Chertoff, looking ashen, and speaking through red, teary eyes, stated that as a result of the incident, he would be raising the terror alert level to red, the first time that it has been to this level since after the attacks on 9/11. He urged senators and representatives to remain calm, and continue working on the president's agenda.

New York, NY (Faux News) - Fox news today announced that it was releasing a new cartoon show, which would primarily be directed towards acquiring children as new viewers. Sources stated that the new show would also be recruited into its efforts in their ongoing war on Christmas.

The animated cartoon show will feature the voice of none other than their flagship star Bill O'Reilly as the abrasive "Loofah Bill Liar Pants". Loofah Bill is a curmudgeonly bathroom exfoliatatory accessory who is frequently mistaken for a fried Middle Eastern delicacy. Fox hopes he will be able to indoctrinate children very early into their own peculiar brand of thinking and discourse. Loofah Bill will educate children in the finer arts of prevarication and distortion for fun and profit.

"We really do think we have a winner here," said a Fox News spokesperson. "Coming in the Christmas season, we're looking to make a bundle off the merchandising alone. The first toy we'll be selling is a fully functional "Loofah Bill" doll that should appeal to Democrats and Republicans alike... who wouldn't really appreciate having Loofah Bill to scratch around your privates in the shower."

Fox also stated that as a promotional they would also be including a free copy of O.J. Simpson's book, "If I did It" for those ordering a Loofah Bill for Christmas. "We figure that we've got both the shower and bathroom reading covered."

Amman, Jordan (Rotters) - Iraqi prime minister, Miki al-Browni stated on Thursday that forces would be in place by July of next year to weather whatever storm of civil war might take place. He praised his own administration for a system of economic levies that they have put in place that should be able to withstand the ravages of even a category five civil war. He pledged also to work towards a "grateful exit for US troops.

Al-Browni met with President Bush to iron out difficulties between the two countries, and perhaps stave off projected shortcomings in support to guard against the storm of war.

"Part of the Prime Minister's frustrations is that he doesn't have the fools necessary to try to take care of those who break the law," stated the president. "we talked today about delegating authority to the Prime Minister, so that he can do what we expect him to do."

"We agreed on the importance of speeding up the availability of temporary housing for the millions of refugees now in Iraq, and those that might occur with a possible category five civil war," Bush said. "We also pledged forensic support to help the government with identification of the recent increase in bodies found floating in the Tigris and Euphrates."

"He's the right man for the job in Iraq," concluded Bush, "I think you're doing a heck of a job al-Browni."

In a related story, the State Department today released its forcasts for civil wars for the coming year, predicting that it would be a busy season, with over nine named wars. They denied that conditions would likely be in place for war formation in and around Iraq.

Pyongyang, North Korea (APE) - Dictator Kim Jong Il today issued a rebuttal and challenge to the Bush administration over its proposed banning of luxury goods and technologies to North Korea that included Ipods, Segways, and fine Cognac. Jong Il issued a statement claiming that President Bush and America were no longer capable of responsibly maintaining and possessing advanced nuclear technologies. He further claimed that Bush and America were incapable of stewarding and using technologies such as the Segway and the I-Pod that they sought to ban from North Korea.

In a heated challenge, Jong Il concluded that he would be willing to face the president in a one-on-one competition with the winner having their way over the nuclear weapon issue. Jong Il proposed that the two should stand off on a prescribed course using Segways and I-Pods. After downing three shots of cognac in rapid succession, the two would attempt to navigate the course on Segways with I-Pods blaring their bootlegged music of choice. The winner would then hold sway over the nuclear proliferation issue.

The White House scoffed at what it called an obvious swipe at the president's abilities, but did not rule out what it thought could possibly be a potential solution. "We have long maintained that the key to the North Korea Issue is multiparty involvement," stated White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "Perhaps If Kim were to allow others into the race, such as Vladimir Putin, and Hu Jintao, there may be something worth exploring."

Early this morning, President Bush was seen on the south lawn of the White House practicing on the new four wheel prototype Segway Centaur, which is reportedly more stable and easier to handle than its two wheeled cousin. The White House insisted that the president was not injured during the session.

Mudd, Elbonia (Rotters) - US President George W. Bush yesterday announced that he would work with Congress and international partners to modify the US visa waiver program. Speaking in the nation's capital of Mudd, this was widely viewed as a concession to the former communist country of Elbonia , a long-standing US ally and a member of the original "coalition of the willing" which supported the invasion of Iraq.

"It's a way to make sure that nations like Elbonia qualify more quickly for the program, and put to good use this country's resources in the ongoing civil w... er... peacekeeping efforts in Iraq." stated Bush.

Elbonia currently maintains a force of five soldiers in Iraq, and has threatened recently to withdraw completely by the end of the year after the loss last year of one of its soldiers. Private Viagra Cialis was killed while off-duty in a makeshift mud bath in Baghdad as the mud suddenly solidified in the arid environment, instantly trapping and suffocating him.

Elbonia is an impoverished former Soviet bloc nation, whose main natural resource is an abundance of mud, the quality of which is known worldwide and prized by spas for its natural rejuvenating qualities. Elbonians are considered experts in the handling and cleaning up of mud, and the White House stated that their continued cooperation and contributions would be crucial in America's ongoing attempts to extricate itself from simultaneous quagmires in Iraq and Afghanistan.

11/27/06 Cheney Makes Surprise Thanksgiving/Hunting Visit to Iraq after Departing Saudi Arabia

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - The White House today announced that Vice President Dick Cheney indeed had made a surprise detour visit to Baghdad in support of the troops on the way home from his diplomatic mission this weekend to Saudi Arabia. In a hurried visit, bristling with security, the vice president reportedly presented the troops with the administration's traditional poly-propylene turkey and engaged in some hunting along the Green Zone bordering Sadr City.

"It was a real trifecta for the vice president," stated White House spokesperson Tony Snow. "He was able to do some brass knuckle diplomacy, demonstrate the administration's commitment to the brave US peacekeeping forces in the Civil War in Iraq, and indulge in one of his favorite passions... all in the same trip."

The White House refused to confirm rumors claiming that Mr. Cheney had indeed killed over 50 insurgents and terrorists within the course of two hours. They also vehemently denied reports that surfaced from local authorities that the vice president's kills were as a result of the release of detained suspects from all over Iraq who had been brought in and forcibly released. All bodies were reportedly turned over to local authorities for observation of Muslim burial customs, but the vice president reportedly had some personal effects from each bagged and fresh frozen for shipment back to the US, where he planned to give them as Christmas presents to friends and relatives.

Mr. Cheney joked briefly with the reporter pool, as he climbed aboard Air Force 2 for his return to the United States. "How can you tell the difference between a terrorist and an insurgent?" asked a reporter. "That's a good question," chuckled the vice president. "It's pretty easy, really... terrorists run and insurgents generally stay put... you don't have to lead them as much."

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush today in a small ceremony in the Rose Garden pardoned the official White House turkey, Karl. Karl and his alternate turkey, Rummy, who was pardoned earlier last week, will be taken to a brand-new chicken hawk refuge that the president has decided to open on land that the Bush family has recently purchased in Paraguay. Chicken hawks are rapidly becoming an endangered species in Washington, and surrounding states in America. Karl and Rummy will be provided for on the refuge and be allowed to reproduce so as to hopefully someday return the species back to viable levels in America. Bush has vowed to dedicate the White House to rescuing and preserving other chicken hawks as the need arises.

To the shock and sorrow of Missourians, the official Thanksgiving birds "flyer" and "fryer" met the same fate as last year's birds "democracy" and "freedom" and were summarily executed by the president himself, using a Saudi executioner's sword originally presented to him by Prince Bandar. Bush again reminded Americans that freedom, prosperity, and victory are only possible through a commitment to making the ultimate sacrifice.

Honolulu, HI (APE) – President George W. Bush was assaulted today as he stepped off of Air Force One on the return from a Pacific Rim nation summit meeting. The president is said to be OK but just a little shaken after his encounter with Freedom Corps Volunteer Lois Monsterrat. The elderly Monsterrat attempted to strangle the president with a series of leis that she was placing around his neck when she was wrestled to the ground by a Secret Service detail.

Details surrounding the assault are sketchy, as Monsterrat was quickly whisked away to an undisclosed location for further interrogation.

Family members speculated that Monsterrat, a long time Republican and Bush supporter may have finally just snapped. They stated that she had become increasingly agitated over the past year in regards to the president's cumbersome Medicare drug plan as well as well as attempts to privatize Social Security.

"We did our best to keep her away from the television," stated one of Monsterrat's sons, "but I guess at some point reality just begins to set in. She sits around talking with all the other ladies at the senior center and they sort of try to solve all the world's problems... then before you know it, something like this happens."

The son, who did not want his name used, was asked if possibly Alzheimer's might have contributed to the incident. "No," he stated, "I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't allow the president to continue serving if he was incapacitated in any way. Mom's pretty kind hearted and compassionate, too... if she had known there was something at all wrong with him, I know she wouldn't have done what she did."

In a related event, the FBI this morning raided and seized all computer servers associated with the popular Progressive Blog, "The Daily Kos" in an effort to investigate the possibility of any sort of conspiracy associated with the assault. The were particularly interested in the postings of a recent new user called Monster Rat. A spokesperson for the Daily Kos stated that they anticipated to be back up by within hours having long prepared for just a scenario.

The White House announced that the President would continue with his anticipated inspection of troops stationed at Hawaiian military bases, but that it would likely occur through remote video hook-up.

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House this morning, in a hurried press conference, announced that the president would be withdrawing his controversial reappointment of John Bolton as US ambassador to the United Nations. Perhaps deciding that the inflammatory nomination was not worth the battle in Congress, it was announced that Bush would be putting forward the immediate nomination of comedian Michael Richards to fill the post.

The White House cited the success of its venture into the entertainment business with the appointment of Fox network's Tony Snow as press secretary to fill the vacancy left by Scott McClellan.

"Michael had a little slip up and he apologized immediately," said an anonymous White House source. "This is precisely the rapid thinking on one's feet that this position needs. We regret Michael's recent loss of his cool, but he was in the midst of a comedy routine, and sometimes things can be taken the wrong way in the heat of the moment... it's not like he called someone a macaca or insulted our troops or something... besides, most of the audience seemed to be really with him in his comments... that's exactly the bold leadership that we want at the UN to advance America's objectives."

Bolton's parting with the White House on the surface appeared to be amicable. Rumor had it that he was able to secure a multimillion dollar contract with Quaker Oats Inc. as their new spokesperson, replacing the aging Wilford Brimsley. Quaker is set to launch a new "get tough with cholesterol" advertising campaign which will spotlight the talents of the frequently acerbic Bolton.

President Bush, just returned from what he described as a smashingly successful trip to Indonesia, stated that he was looking forward to working with Richards. "I'm a big fan," stated Bush, "I've got all his episodes on tape. Lot's of folks were into that whole Ross/Rachel thing, but I always thought that he carried the show... How YOU doin'?... that still cracks me up... and I use it sometimes myself!"

BRACCIANO, Italy (APE) - Citizens of the town of Bracciano were treated Saturday night to a spectacular light show prior to the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as the Ambassador of the remnants of the Galactic Confederacy made an appearance at the 15th Century Odeschali castle. The Ambassador, rumored to be possibly a descendant of Xenu himself was said to be a last minute addition to the guest list.

The Ambassador's spaceship, estimated to be over 3 miles in diameter, stunned reporters, villagers, guests and paparazzi, as it is suddenly descended over the castle. Security for the not so secret wedding became even tighter as the ambassador added hundreds of white uniformed troops to beef up patrols by the Carbinieri paramilitary police. Rumors circulated that at least one paparazzo had been vaporized after what appeared to be a misunderstanding in an attempt to view the ceremony.

"I want to see at least one of them... the heck with Katie or Tom," said 15-year-old Tomatino Focaccia. The extraterrestrial presence further heightened excitement of the locals, as alien souvenirs immediately went on sale in local shops alongside of Tom, Katie, and Suri commemorative photographs and merchandise.

Representatives for the Church of Scientology in Rome remained very close lipped about the ambassador's presence, and particularly refused to comment on rumors about his relationship with Xenu. Xenu is the 75 million-year-old former Dictator/Emperor of the known galaxy who is reportedly kept in perpetual imprisonment in a remote underground volcanic chamber somewhere in the Hawaiian island chain. This is reputedly also the location of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Representatives stated that Hubbard also made a low profile appearance at the ceremony, and wished the couple well.

Originally, rumors flew that the wedding ceremony would likely not occur until sometime early tomorrow night. However, teams of Scientology "Sea Org" members with Ambassador guards were seen throughout the castle and hotel apparently making last-minute thetan clearing sweeps early this morning, leading to the speculation that the ceremony was imminent.

The ceremony literally went off without a hitch today, as Scientology ceremonies are not recognized as legal in Italy. The couple will apparently legitimize the union in a civil ceremony aboard the Ambassador's ship later this evening somewhere outside the orbit of Uranus.

Hanoi, Vietnam (Rotters) - Vietnamese President Nguyen Minh Triet today announced that the country would be initiating a lawsuit against controversial improvisational comedian/politician "Bushrat", joining a long line of domestic and international litigants who claim to have been deceived by the performer. "Bushrat" is currently touring the nations of Asia in his controversial "Bushrat: Cynical Leanings of Muruca for Make Benefit of Glorious Leader" performance piece.

"Bushrat informed us that he was coming to bring us this big economic trade agreement," said a spokesperson for the Vietnamese President, "so then we make all of these arrangements, security, military reviews, marching bands, lavish dinners... and then we find out that he doesn't really have the authority for any such agreement... and that he doesn't even really represent the American people. He ate our food, shook a lot of hands, and took lots of pictures in front of statues of Ho Chi Minh. We really feel like we've been taken advantage of."

"Bushrat's" performance appeared to be going well until he insisted the Vietnamese first lady "pull his finger" at a formal dinner and he laughed and passed flatus for the cameras and the stunned guests in attendance. Earlier in the day, he was seen at Truc Bach lake offering a local child a dollar to dive to the bottom of the lake and attempt to bring up a piece of wreckage from the damaged warplane of Commander John McCain, now a Republican senator and likely presidential candidate for 2008.

"Bushrat" met with Australian Prime Minister John Howard, over lunch and discussed the two countries' strategies for the ongoing war in Iraq. "We'll succeed," stated Bushrat, "I've decided."

Others who have brought suit against "Bushrat" include a pair of former fraternity members from Bushrat's days at Yale, who insist that he got them drunk and then branded them with a red-hot coat hanger. More recently, the nation of Germany announced that it was bringing suit against "Bushrat", and his chief publicist, Donald Rumsfeld, in the name of the people of Iraq for their role in deceptively taking advantage of and torturing poor Iraqi's, and reneging on fair compensation.

The White House today insisted that all suits leveled against "Bushrat" had no merit whatsoever, and that all parties had ample time to evaluate and understand where "Bushrat" was coming from before entering into any type of legal agreement.

Los Angeles, CA (APE) - She's been abhorred for years as the most downrated person on the internet, which means... aw heck, you know what it means. People love retching over Ann Coulter.

What it hasn't meant, all these years, though, as all those thousands of disappointed freepers know, is seeing even one picture of this 18th-century tossup queen without anything strategically covering her.

At 44, Coulter, who has been scintillating fans with her own brand of historic revisionism, has posed au natural for Playboy. The December issue, with her on the cover, attacks newsstands Friday. The pages of pictures on the inside leave readers scrambling for imagination.

It was for a good cause, Coulter, almost 45, explained when Associated Press Extraterrestrial caught up with her, fully loathed, at her undisclosed location.

Ann Coulter: My decision to do Playboy is literally one week in the making. I've always chided others for taking their clothes off and posed as the girl next door. I'm the number one right-wing talking head, and for years I've been known as "The Queen of Slime", all while keeping my clothes on, and that's taken some real discipline. Every couple of years when Hef would call I would graciously decline, because it would kill that whole androgynous legend that I've got going for me, and I thought that I could maintain the mystery by keeping my clothes on.

But this year, when I got the call from Hef, it was almost my 45th birthday. The Republican party had just received a humpin', so I thought, "Wow... at 45, America doesn't want us anymore?" And I thought it's almost an epiphany... like a "F--- 'em all!" moment. I feel empowered that you can criticize other people's morals and yet still be single, with no children, sexy and confident, and then bare all for the world.

Coulter: I feel proud of myself. I work out really hard, and people will just have to decide for themselves. The reason that I wanted to do it the most is because I am posing for a purpose: a portion of the proceeds from each issue sold is going to my charity.

Coulter: I am the celebrity spokesperson for WILT, the national anti-erectile function association. It stands for Whitebread Ideology Less Tumescence. If you think about it, this last midterm election in which the Republican Party received such a humpin' was all because of this vast priapism of the party over the last six years that resulted in all the scandals. My charity is devoted to wresting control of erections from the parties and putting them back in the hands of voters. Celibacy is not just for Paris Hilton anymore.

11/13/06 Commission Accomplished! Baker-Hamilton Study Demands Immediate Pullback

Washington, DC (APE) - After an exhaustive months long investigation, the vaunted bi-partisan Baker-Hale commission results were presented to the president and the American public today. The conclusions stunned many, including the White House, as the commission's well-thought-out strategy for the troubled mission in Iraq virtually mirrored the stance put forth by Pennsylvania Democratic Congressman John Murtha, almost one year ago today. Perhaps highlighting the emotional nature of this proposed drastic change of course, President Bush was seen to be wiping a tear from his eye.

The release of the report caught many by surprise, as, earlier in the weekend, both Hamilton and Baker had insisted that there was much work still to be done. Apparently early this morning, both came to the conclusion that the evidence was overwhelming for the immediate pull back and strategic redeployment, and that hesitation at this point would only cost more American and Iraqi lives.

The commission had been scheduled to meet with upper-level cabinet members as well as British Prime Minister Tony Blair by video link early this morning. Vice President Cheney, on a Sunday appearance with Fox news, had stated that he was undecided about whether he would be willing to participate or give testimony to the commission, and said with certainty that he would ignore any subpoena.

"If these recommendations bring greater consensus between Republicans and Democrats, I think they could be very harmful for the nation," stated Cheney. He added: "If there were a shotgun solution I would have already pulled the trigger."

Los Angeles, CA (O! Online) - Lindsay Lohan today apologized for a misunderstanding that she claims happened earlier this week. Thronged by paparazzi leaving a hotel party that friend Paris Hilton apparently was attending, she was asked if she fought with Hilton that night. Caught on tape in a video snippet that was posted Thursday on YouTube.com, Lohan simply called her friend and fellow actress Hilton "a grunt". Misunderstood as a four letter word insult, a friend in the back seat of Lohan's SUV quickly added, "she's kidding."

"That other word is certainly not what I said," stated Lohan today, "Paris and I are really close friends and I would never refer to her in that way... that word is disgusting and it's not even in my vocabulary. I really do want to apologize for letting the cat out of the bag, though. Paris had confided in me about her plans to enlist, and I just sort of let it slip. It was supposed to be this big secret surprise next week. I'm sorry Paris!"

Elliot Mintz, a publicist for Ms. Hilton confirmed that she indeed had enlisted in the United States Marine Corps earlier in the week. "She thought long and hard about it," stated Mintz, "and she says that she was attracted to the discipline that the Marine Corps had to offer. Paris was also motivated by her struggles with her celibacy pledge. We also received assurances from a recruiter that Paris' role in the Corps after boot camp would likely be merely public relations in nature without combat exposure."

Mintz also stated that Paris had been motivated by the recent gaffe from Senator John Kerry. She wanted to set an example, that, like Kerry, even people of privilege and wealth had an obligation to their country. Mintz also stated that Hilton's enlistment agreement stipulated that she would be eschewing the traditional basic training at Parris Island for a more personalized and less intensive stint at Hilton Head Island.

Cape Kennedy, FL (Rotters) - Thanks to a newly disclosed partnership by Redmond-based Corporation Microsoft and NASA, it was announced today that the space shuttle Discovery, which had been burdened with a computer bug that threatened to delay its upcoming launch until well past the new year, would indeed apparently be launched weeks ahead of schedule on or about December 7. An upgrade to Microsoft's new operating system, Windows Vista, is being credited as the reason behind the accelerated launch schedule.

A proud Bill Gates revealed the partnership to those in attendance at a conference at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington. "In taking advantage of the superior graphics capabilities in this new version of Windows," bragged Gates, "we will be able to present to the shuttle team, a far superior virtual presentation of their exterior environment, obviating their need for dangerous viewports and windshields and such. They will also be able to navigate through cumbersome checklists via elegant semi transparent thumbnail presentations which will appear on their heads up display desktop environment. Discovery will serve as an excellent vehicle for the promotion of the ease of upgrade of almost any machine to Windows Vista."

"Every mission is always a challenge," stated Wayne Hale, NASA shuttle program manager. "STS-116, will be no exception. One of our concerns will be online registration of our version of Windows, which Microsoft insists will have to take place in orbit, as this will be the primary location that the software will be utilized. If we are not able to successfully maintain a satellite link from orbit to Redmond, the mission runs the risk of having the shuttle's operating system shut down after one week if it is not successfully registered and antipiracy agreements submitted. Every member of the STS-116 crew has committed to memory the registration key as a system of redundant back-up, should problems arise."

Microsoft is touting Vista as the most stable and secure version of Windows to date, and its first major upgrade since the successful Windows XP. Vista, however, will not be available to the public until after the new year, unless through manufacturer agreements for new computer sales. A spokesperson for Microsoft denied the rumor that the delay in release until after the new year was an attempt to minimize the space shuttle Discovery's exposure to hackers prior to launch. Plans are to have the remainder of America's shuttle fleet, and eventually the International Space Station declared Windows Vista capable by the end of the year.

Washington, DC (APE) - Yesterday, in an apparent act of self flatulation, President George W. Bush met with presumed incoming Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. The two met at the suggestion of the president to begin charting a course for the country for the remainder of the president's two years in office with the Democrats in charge of the legislative branch of the government, and perhaps mend fences.

"The winds of change swept through America on Tuesday," quipped Bush, "and I guess we just couldn't smell it coming."

The two sought common ground on issues facing America and seemed to find real agreement in pursuit of alternative energy sources such as methane fuel production.

Pelosi complemented the president on his choice of drapes for the Oval Office, insisting that they didn't need to be changed, and suggesting that a simple air freshener might suffice.

Bush had earlier met with current Republican leadership of the House and Senate over a breakfast of mixed fresh fruit, and blamed this meal for the intestinal discomfort that he appeared to be experiencing with Pelosi. Earlier at the breakfast Bush had presented a suggested itinerary for the remaining session of Congress, which included the confirmation of John Bolton, validation of warrantless wiretapping, and further measures designed to solidify the position of the unitary executive and offer retrograde pardons for wrongdoing.

Later in the day, the Bolton nomination appeared to have been spiked by Republican Senator Lincoln Chaffee.

A spokesperson for representative Pelosi stated that later today there would be a press conference in which Mrs. Pelosi would reveal the Democrats "First 100 Subpoenas" strategy.

New York, NY (O! Online) - Poptart Britney Spears, after recently text messaging her husband of two years, Kevin Federline that she was filing for divorce, was caught by paparazzi last night at a Manhattan restaurant with a newly resigned Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Initially, the couple appeared embarrassed over the attention, but eventually relaxed and discussed their presence with the assembled photographers.

Spears acknowledged that her recent application for divorce from Federline had been influenced by an admiration from afar of Secretary Rumsfeld. "I've just always had this thing about older men," said Spears, "and especially older men with power. I feel safe with Don, he kind of reminds me of my dad. And the kids just love him to death."

Spears went on to say that she had not been happy over the last few years with the course of her marriage and entertainment career, was looking for change, and felt that Rumsfeld would be the right man to help her with it. "I was really disappointed with what happened to Don," stated Spears, "I feel like we as Americans should have just trusted his judgment."

"I just really owe so much to Don", continued Spears, "There was that whole sex tape thing that I was so worried about. I talked with Don about it, and he assured me that he could make it disappear... and it did!"

Rumsfeld repeatedly denied suggestions that he would soon be resigning his position as husband to his wife of 52 years, insisting that he planned to "stay the course". "Does this look embarrassing? Sure. Is it totally innocent? Absolutely." stated Rumsfeld. "I've simply been an admirer of Ms. Spears and especially her dedication to the president and the troops. She's asked for my help, and now I appear to have a little more free time on my hands."

Rumsfeld went on to explain that he had personally met Spears on a racquetball court, and that their common interests grew from there.

Rumsfeld went on to explain his strategy for resurrecting Spears' flagging pop music career. "What we need is a leaner, faster, and more adaptable entourage and backup singers and dancers. Flexibility and mobility is the key... a dancer needs to be able to pick up a microphone and be good with it when the need arises. We're going to be going on tour with the singers and dancers we want and not the ones we've got."

Rumsfeld also stated that he would take a hands-on approach to streamlining the stressors that threatened Ms. Spears in the performance of her duties. He stated that one of his main tasks will be the continued downsizing of the Fed.

Rumsfeld refused to speculate further as to what his overall career intentions were since stepping down as Secretary of Defense, but insisted that he would continue to serve the president and the nation in whatever capacity was needed. Rumsfeld stated that he looked to possibly head the internal clandestine service that he created within the Pentagon. He stated that one of the latest tasks assigned him by the president is a review and update of the international extradition policies of various countries worldwide.

Washington, DC (APE) - Spontaneous celebrations erupted across the nation this morning as Americans heralded the triumph of democracy in the bloodless overthrow of the oppressive six-year illegal regime of the Bush administration. Staving off a swelling mudslide from Republican opponents, Democrats today declared victory in capturing both seats of government as a cleansing blue tsunami of voter discontent swept through Washington. Barring last-minute attempts at tampering and legal machinations in recounts, the Democrats declared victory in the last two hotly contested Senate races in Montana and Virginia, giving them the six seats necessary to assume control of the Senate. Earlier in the evening, Democrats had easily assumed control of the House of Representatives with a net gain of 28 seats. In the early hours of the morning at a Democratic celebration the new Speaker of the House Democrat Nancy Pelosi, delightedly declared "VB Day", or "Victory over Bush Day".

A last-ditch 10 state tour effort by the president designed to "energize his base" seemed to have backfired for the White House, as the only bases that became energized appeared to be military bases and service families. Exit polling suggested that the citizen G.I. sent the president an overwhelming referendum on his embattled secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld. National guardsmen were seen actually participating in some of the jubilation on the national Mall in Washington, DC that they were assigned to maintain order during. A Virginia National Guard tank maintenance unit, just back from its sixth tour in Iraq, was seen assisting the crowd on the lawn outside the Capitol building in tearing down a newly erected Halliburton sponsored statue honoring George W. Bush for his leadership in the war in Iraq.

President Bush was scheduled to address the nation at 1 p.m. today. White House press Secretary Tony Snow urged caution from Americans, insisting that all votes had not been counted correctly, and that this would not be a concessionary speech. "The president will stress the importance of showing no quarter in the ongoing war that grips our nation," stated Snow, "and he will stress the need for bipartisanship in the ongoing war in Iraq as well. Any attempts by the new Democratic leadership to bog this war president down with needless subpoenas, hearings, or oversight will be met with swift veto retribution... and no signing statements."

"This is a wake-up call to the Republican Party," said Republican Senator and potential 2008 presidential candidate John McCain of Arizona, "and I would implore the president to not just hit the snooze bar."

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO (Rotters Life!) - The day after renowned evangelical pastor Ted Haggard was forced to resign his position with the 14,000 member New life Church in Colorado Springs, it was announced that he would be signing on board with Australian underwear maker AussieBum to help promote their recently launched "Wonderjock". AussieBum claims to have already sold over 50,000 pairs of the "Wonderjock" from its online website, and states that orders have doubled since the announcement in regards to Haggard.

Wonderjock designer Sean Ashby stated that the new underwear was created as a result of customer feedback, with many men wanting to look "bigger". Ashby insisted that this is accomplished without the use of "padding, rings, or strings".

"Just as in women utilizing the "Wonderbra" to look bigger", stated Ashby, "the design of this new underwear, the Wonderjock, is such that it uplifts and separates to accomplish the same thing... hearing about the plight of Reverend Haggard, we felt that he would be the perfect spokesperson for this whole concept of uplifting and separating."

A spokesperson for Aussiebum stated that the rollout for the new advertising campaign would likely be delayed for approximately 3 weeks on rumors that Haggard would likely be checking into a Christian detox facility to address a crystal meth addiction. Rumors also surfaced that Haggard would likely be checking into the same facility that disgraced Florida Congressman Mark Foley will soon be discharged from, and that Foley, now clean, had agreed serve as a sponsor for Haggard. Aussiebum refused to comment upon whether a deal was in the works to have Haggard and Foley team up for a series of future ads.

On the first day of the Feast of Unrepentant Greed, the disciples came to Bush and asked, "Where do you want us to make reparations so your defeat will pass over?"

He decided, "Go into Englewood to a certain man and tell him, 'The Decider says: My disappointed time is near. I'm going to recuperate from its pass over with my disciples at your coffee house.' "

So the disciples did as Bush had decided for them, and declared that it would pass over.

When evening came, Bush was reclining at the table with only about four or five.

And while they were bleating, he said, "To tell you the truth, I think they're all going to betray me."

They were very mad and began to pray with him, one after the other, "Oh Lord! Surely not us?"

Bush replied, "The ones who have not slipped their hands into the till with me will betray me.

The Moron Son will go just as the pundits have written about him. But Rove is the man who betrays the Moron Son! It would be better for him if I did not have a gun."

Then Rove, the one who would betray him, said, "But surely, did not I try?" Bush answered, "Yes, this is true."

While they were freaking, Bush took their bread, gave thanks and pocketed it, and let his disciples have it, saying, "Take to the streets; this is my booty."

Then he scratched his cup, praised tanks and offered spin, saying, "Suck it up, all of you.

This is the blood of Iraq, which is poured out by many for the forgiveness of my lack of sense.

I tell you, I'd love to drink the fruit of the grain from now until that day when I will drink anew with blues in my Father's kingdom in Paraguay."

11/03/06 Early Voting Craze Sweeps Nation Unifying Democratic Opposition to Bush and Iraq War

Washington, DC (APE) - With many voters, especially Democrats, taking advantage of early voting opportunities available in most states, a growing number are using the occasion to make their voices heard after voting by dying a finger blue. The gesture is a reference to the purple finger of support after the Bush Administration's heralded "Free Elections" in Iraq, prior to the country's plunge into civil war. Some people are choosing to dye their thumbs or index fingers after voting, but the vast majority are opting to color and then flash their middle fingers, a reference to George Bush's infamous "one fingered salute" to the American people prior to engineering the invasion of Iraq.

"It's a great way to show your support for our troops", stated Stand Strong, a blogger for the Daily Kos.

In a related story, the Bush Administration was dealt another severe blow today with the revelation that the publishers for the armed service related publications, The Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marine Times planned to print editorials in all four editions on Monday demanding the immediate resignation or firing of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. This comes two days before the election, and just days after the president made a public show of support and commitment to Mr. Rumsfeld and the equally unpopular Vice President Cheney, vowing that they would both stay onboard for the remainder of his term in office. The White House declined to comment upon rumors that an investigation of Gannet the publisher for all four periodicals had been launched by the Department of Justice.

11/03/06 Breaking : Haggard Admits Influencing Bush to Making Public Iraqi Nuclear Weapon Plans

Denver, Colorado (APE) - In a breaking story from television station, KKTV in Denver, reporters have produced telephone records which not only confirm recent allegations of Haggard indulging in homosexual prostitution and the use of crystal meth but also linking him to the New York Times' breaking story of the Bush administration's disclosure of detailed Iraqi plans for a nuclear weapon to the public. Critics and scientists have maintained that disclosure of the plans would aid Iran or any other country with an interest in acquiring nuclear weapons. Haggard has been a close adviser and a confidant to the Bush administration's inner circle in regards to religious matters, and gay marriage. The recent revelations promised to be explosive to the GOP, which engaged in a last hour effort at staving off defeat in the coming midterm election.

The Bush administration appears to be immediately distance itself from Haggard, insisting that he was merely a passing acquaintance at the White House, not unlike lobbyist Jack Abramoff. "Hagrid?... Hagrid, did you say?" Quipped White House spokesperson Tony Snow. "Isn't he, that guy in Harry Potter?"

The White House went on to deny vehemently any complicity with Haggard over the release of the nuclear weapons plans, and insisted that it was not related to any attempt to promote a nuclear holocaust or "end of days" type of scenario.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales also present at the press conference stepped forward to state that this was merely the latest in a "litany" of treasonable offenses from the Times, which the Department of Justice would be launching an aggressive investigation into. "Since the operation has now been blown," stated González, "We just want the American public to be aware that the New York Times has done irreparable damage to our "Double Secret Probation Nuclear Deterrence Program". What was posted on the government Internet site were plans which were carefully doctored to appear to be workable, but in actuality, would set back any nuclear weapons development program for years."

What is apparent in the tapes obtained by KKTV is that Haggard certainly believed that the plans were viable and would possibly accelerate progress towards some type of nuclear holocaust.

The White House also denied any knowledge of links between Haggard and former Talon News correspondent Jeff Gannon, but in light of current events, it is rumored that the president is re-examining his and the Republican Party's stance on gay marriage.

Haggard has immediately stepped down from his position as the leader of the 11,000 member New Life Church in Colorado Springs, and has not yet come forward to address the allegations of prostitution and substance abuse in public.

In a related story, the Reverend Fred Phelps has offered to take a leave of absence from his position as pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas, and fill in for Haggard at the New Life Church in order to save the souls of the 11,000 members who appear now to be tainted and in danger of going to hell.

"Why shouldn't they call us heroes. All we did was try to keep from getting shot"

(Synopsis) "Flags of Our Farters" is the story of three of the six surviving neocons, Richard B. Cheney, George W. Bush, and Donald H. Rumsfeld who fought stateside to raise the flag of Halliburton over the oil rich land of Iraq in the name of America. While the battle, after three years, threatens to rage on with no end in sight and the deaths of over 2800 servicemen to date, these men cynically offer themselves as leaders in a just cause. Their government uses photos of them to promote the sale and perpetuation of the war. The three men truly believe that they are leaders and heroes, while the American public does not. The war is adapted from the writings of prominent neocon author Paul Wolfowitz. A single photo can end a war.

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Seeking to engorge his base prior to the midterm election, President Bush granted an exclusive interview at the White House yesterday to Right Wing radio talkshow host Rush Limbaugh to discuss the war in Iraq and firm up his support for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The eager Limbaugh was happy to provide his services to the president and his listeners. Bush insisted to Limbaugh that he fully intended to stay onboard Rumsfeld for the remainder of his term as president.

"Don is a man who is capable of performing in many positions, and at the same time he is excellent at being able to reach around if he needs to." stated Bush. "He continues to provide great service to me and therefore this country."

Limbaugh spent a few embarrassing minutes initially attempting to personally adjust the president's microphone before giving up. He quipped: "See me later, Mr. President, I think I've got a few pills that just might do the trick."

The president also defended the administration's performance in Iraq, answering growing complaints from GI's on the ground that the entire situation as documented by a leaked Pentagon graphic yesterday was rapidly descending into what they termed a "cluster fuck". "I don't like that term," Bush bristled. "What we've done with our troops throughout this campaign is a series of multiple rapid strategic insertions and withdrawals. We'll continue this with our troops until the Iraqis are trained to assume their positions. We will not withdraw prematurely until this rape of democracy in the middle east has ended."

"I understand our guys' frustrations," continued Bush. "War is a lot like sex... even though you might have a headache, or it hurts or something, you still have to perform your duties."

The two also discussed the recent gaffe by Senator John Kerry. "Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words,” Mr. Bush said, "And our troops deserve full protection from the people in this administration."

Washington, DC (APE) - First lady Laura Bush today teamed up with radio pundit Rush Limbaugh to push for public apologies from both Michael J. Fox and Senator and former presidential candidate John Kerry. They announced that this would be the beginning of a campaign to bring truth in exaggeration to political discourse. While both acknowledged that Michael J. Fox did deserve sympathy for his suffering from Parkinson's, and Kerry somewhat less sympathy for his ability to deliver a punch line, they accused both of attempting to manipulate emotions over very sensitive issues: Fox for politicizing the ongoing debate over stem cells, and Kerry for resurrecting the well-established issue of the president's stupidity. Limbaugh and Bush spoke with a contingent of Fox news reporters.

"I think Mr. Fox, in particular could take a good lesson for my husband," stated Mrs. Bush. "I understand the horrors and pain that go along with Parkinson's disease, but there is a lot to be said for suffering in silence. Just like in George's case, he knows he's stupid, and he's suffered from stupidity all his life. It has affected everyone close to him... but you don't see him using it as an excuse and making a big deal out of it. It's understandable why he might have misunderstood Mr. Kerry's mean-spirited joke and thought that he was attacking our troops. But this doesn't excuse Mr. Kerry for the inadvertent result of demoralizing those in the armed services during a time of war by pointing out my husbands obvious shortcomings. I think he still owes the troops an apology."

The first lady had taken time off from a busy schedule of a planned redecorating of the Oval Office for the president, and appeared testy throughout the interview. It was rumored that she had spent the morning in an argument with a local interior decorating company attempting to cancel an order for new draperies.

"I'm sorry," added Limbaugh, "But I can't stand by idly and watch as our president is "Swift-Boobed". We all know what Mr. Kerry intended to say, but that cannot be allowed to stand for the sake of our brave fighting men and women in Iraq. I stand by my insistence, that this is a slight to our troops and that Mr. Kerry needs to apologize."

Washington, DC (APE) - The White House has apparently pulled out all stops in its quest to halt the firestorm of Democratic led political reform, sweeping the nation ahead of the crucial November 7 midterm elections. The president has scheduled a firebreak of appearances through next week in hotspots throughout the nation, including Texas, Montana, Nevada, and Georgia, which are all threatening to turn blue.

Democrats today accused the White House of foul play, claiming that Bush has secretly outfitted Air Force One for the widespread high-altitude dispersal of "blame retardant" chemicals. The White House dismissed the accusations as merely a paranoid fantasy.

Air Force One has been observed recently in a number of both high altitude and crowd pleasing low passes to be releasing a seemingly harmless colorful red dye. Protesters at the president's appearances have made claims of adverse reactions upon contact with the chemical. Complaints of headaches, nausea, and general malaise upon viewing or listening to Mr. Bush are apparently replaced with feelings of complacency, euphoria, and in some extreme cases, somnolence.

The White House insists that what is being disbursed is merely red smoke, similar to that seen in air shows and other aerial displays, and is meant as a display of bipartisan patriotism.

An independent laboratory has tested air samples from previous appearances, and while they maintain that the results are preliminary and inconclusive, traces of the drugs diazepam and fluoxetine have reportedly been found in significant concentrations.

"I don't want you to think about the Democratic plans for success," stated Bush at a rally in Indiana today. "They are in agreement on one thing... they want to make me leave before my job is done, and I will not let them."

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Right-wing radio pundit Rush Limbaugh held a televised news conference this morning in which he repeatedly refused to apologize for his refuted claims that Michael J. Fox was exaggerating symptoms of his Parkinson's disease for political gain. Limbaugh also addressed concerns, which had appeared overnight on the Internet in which medical experts reviewing screen captures of his purported imitation of Fox on his radio show questioned whether Limbaugh himself might be suffering some complex motor tics that can be associated with particular medications.

Justin Jest, MD, a physician specializing in ED (erectile dysfunction), posted an in-depth analysis of the video clip of Limbaugh on the popular Internet site YouTube. "We are seeing more and more frequently the development of these complex motor tics in people who tend to abuse some of the more popular ED medications such as Viagra, and Cialis. The side effects are very rare, and therefore don't appear as warnings on the package inserts. The problem is, when these medications are taken in conjunction with painkillers, there seems to be an imprinting of the motor behaviors that the patient indulges in while taking the ED medication. It results in a behavior that for all intents and purposes is a tic that persists long after the ED medication has cleared the patient's system."

"The unfortunate thing for the patient," continued Jest, "is that the only way to alleviate and somehow mask the tics is through some of the more powerful painkillers. If the patient can't then avoid the use of the ED medications, the embarrassing tics, consisting of facial gestures and repetitive hand movements can become permanent, and lead to a chronic and persistent erectile dysfunction, and frequently, in severe cases, be accompanied with blindness."

Limbaugh addressed a number of reporters assembled outside of his studio, stating that the continuing stories of his illegal use of prescription drugs and his impotence were groundless.

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - Struggling Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki yesterday angrily rebuked the United States for attempting to establish any sort of timetable for restoring order to Iraq. He was particularly resistant to any US interventions into how to deal with the growing Mahdi Army of one of his main political supporters, Muqtada al-Sadr. Maliki steadfastly denied being informed of a joint US Iraq raid on Mahdi Army forces yesterday in Sadr city, which many claimed resulted in the deaths of civilians.

"It is the official policy of the American government to not have any timetables where the war on terror is concerned," stated Maliki. "I completely agree with this. Establishing a timetable would do nothing more than provide aid and comfort to the Americans and encourage them to think that they can just 'wait it out'."

The joint American and Iraqi special forces raid was particularly embarrassing and difficult for Maliki in that it targeted a top commander in Muqtada al-Sadr's Mahdi Army who was accused of running a Shiite death squad. Maliki largely owes his ascendancy in Iraq to the support and counsel of the firebrand cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.

Maliki and al-Sadr, at a joint press conference later in the day, encouraged all Iraqi's to have faith and "stay the course" in ongoing conflicts with American forces.

The White House praised Maliki as "the right man" in Iraq, and praised his qualities as "a real decider". They emphasized that they would continue to support him "so long as he continues to make tough decisions."

Davie, FL (APE) - Republican Representative Katherine Harris, trailing, and badly in need of positive exposure in her first televised debate against Senator Bill Nelson, ended up with the Democratic incumbent and Florida voters, eyeing her for what she offered them.

Harris complained that the questions asked by a panel of journalists failed to address the moral values issues, currently entangling the Republican Party nationwide, for which she had prepared extensively.

"They didn't ask us sex questions... I studied night and day. Didn't ask gay marriage questions... studied night and day. Didn't ask stem cell questions," Harris said. "Studied night and day."

Harris chose to saunter away from her lectern for the entire debate, as she responded to questions, but didn't appear to seriously entice Nelson.

Harris has referred to Nelson as an "impotent liberal" throughout the campaign, but didn't raise the issue at the debate. "How could I have missed not calling him impotent?" a frustrated Harris complained afterwards.

One of the most dramatic exchanges between the candidates occurred as they debated their positions on drilling. Nelson expressed disdain for current plans to tap into the Arctic national wildlife refuge, insisting that America should concentrate on developing alternative fuel sources for its future. Harris stated, "Whatever occurs behind closed doors between a legally married man and woman in the country of Alaska, and, for that matter, anywhere in the United States, is their business."

Harris, with campaign funds dwindling to below one million as compared to 6.8 million for the Nelson campaign, most notably has put her Washington, DC second home up for sale to continue to finance her activities. Harris has stated that this shows the degree of her commitment to winning, and that she will be willing to sell much more in the future, if need be.

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Citing an earlier radio broadcast by White House press secretary Tony Snow in which he expressed the Bush Administration's desire to "de-toxify" American politics in its remaining two years in power, President Bush late this evening checked himself into a local Gerald Ford political detox unit. The White House issued a statement saying that Vice President Cheney would assume leadership of the country as the president undergoes treatment.

Critics had long suspected that Mr. Bush was displaying all the classic signs of rhetoricalism.

Speeches from the president in years past had often featured some controlled use of rhetoric, but in the last year, Mr. Bush's speeches had become notably slurred with multiple "stay the course", and "cut and run" references. Friction reportedly developed in the White House, as some close to the president felt that he had clearly become addicted, while others seemed to enable his behavior with a continual supply of increasingly potent phrases. In the recent incident in which Mr. Bush denied ever using the term "stay the course", many felt that his denial was a sure sign of the president's growing addiction to rhetoric.

The White House refused to discuss particulars of the president's condition, but stated that he was in good spirits and was predicting victory over dangerous Democratic terrorists in the upcoming midterm election. Bush will apparently be in treatment for roughly 4 weeks, but the White House refused to release a timetable. A spokesperson for the Gerald Ford clinic stated that the President would be encouraged yet not required to join Rhetorics Anonymous, and begin working a 12 step program designed to help him abandon his self-destructive addiction to rhetoric and accept a higher reality over which he has no control.

Washington, DC (APE) - FBI agents early today surrounded the Washington, DC suburban home of Republican National Party chairman Ken Mehlman and took him into custody without incident. FBI sources stated that Mehlman will be charged with airing a composite video of Al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden and his lieutenants threatening America. The video suddenly appeared on multiple television stations throughout the United States earlier this week, and the FBI immediately suspected a hoax after last week's Internet dirty bomb threat.

"They just began following the paper and money trail," stated US Attorney Christopher J. Christie. "It was astounding, the millions of dollars that were poured in to finance the perpetration of this hoax. It was an arrogant and stupid thing to do."

Christie refused to comment on suggestions that the conspiracy did not end with Mehlman and possibly reached higher, even into the White House.

"These types of hoaxes scare innocent people, cost business resources and waste valuable homeland security resources," Mr. Christie said. "We cannot tolerate this mass media version of yelling fire in a crowded theater in the post-9/11 era."

Mehlman's arrest comes on the heels of the arrest of Jake J. Brahm, a Wisconsin grocery store worker, who late this week admitted to authorities that he was responsible for the recent internet hoax of threatening to detonate radioactive dirty bombs in seven NFL stadiums. Brahm has maintained that his actions were the result of a bet with a friend. FBI and Justice Department officials refused to state if Mehlman might have been involved in the first hoax as well. Brahm currently faces the possibility of five years in prison and a $250,000 fine if convicted.

Mehlman had not as yet issued a statement and remained in custody. The White House refused to comment, citing the fact that the investigation was ongoing, but stated that it was confident in Mr. Mehlman and felt the entire incident was likely a huge misunderstanding. An anonymous high ranking Bush administration official stated that meetings were underway to come up with new tactics, but that their overall strategy would remain the same. The White House also cautioned that "the stakes remain high", and that America should not drop its guard on the war against terror.

Al-Jazeera late today released a transcript of a message purportedly from Al-Quaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden in which he responded to the hoax. Bin Laden reportedly said simply, "My name is Osama Bin Laden and I approve of these messages."

Washington, DC (O! Online) - Neuhold Gerhard, the owner/distributor of a set of controversial urinals, which had recently been removed from public toilets around the Vienna Opera House in Vienna Austria has apparently re-introduced them in a number of local Washington, DC area bars. Austrians had complained of the urinals as being "sexist and inappropriate" and they were quietly removed this weekend from a public toilet near Vienna's national Opera.

"After the pictures of the toilets appeared online," stated Gerhard, "I was approached by a couple of entrepreneurs to make a couple of slight modifications. We FedExed the results overnight, and we seem to have a hit on our hands."

One DC bar owner, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that beer and mixed drink sales had skyrocketed over the weekend, as male patrons, apparently clamored to use the facilities. "We did have some problems initially with some people misusing the facilities," the bar owner stated, "but that behavior has petered out somewhat. The initial misuse of the new toilets, gave us an idea, and we are currently in talks with Neuhold Gerhard Ltd. to possibly introduce a Bush bidet for the women's facilities."

The bar owner concluded, "We initially were afraid that the Cheney urinal might provoke some outrage like what happened in Austria, but so far, the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. I have even had some long-standing Republican patrons thank me and give a thumbs up afterward." The owner stated that the units have functioned very well thus far, but are prone to leaking occasionally.

10/20/06 Bush Campaigns Hard for Allen, Sherwood during "National Character Counts Week"

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Perhaps in an effort to reverse the ill effect that he is having on Republican candidates nationwide, President Bush yesterday made appearances on behalf of Representative Don Sherwood of Pennsylvania and Senator George Allen of Virginia. Appearing during the president's proclaimed "National Character Counts Week", analysts speculated that Bush may be hoping the two Republicans character might become associated with him and further defuse a national crisis for the GOP's midterm election hopes.

With the president's disapproval ratings in most polls hovering in the mid-30s, and the majority of Americans expressing extreme dissatisfaction over his handling of the occupation of Iraq, the White House seemed to be trying to refocus the public on what they consider the president's strong points; personal integrity and his ability to judge character.

Bush made an appearance with Sherwood in Pennsylvania, accompanied by his wife Carol and daughter Maria. Sherwood, notably, had been recently accused of attempting to strangle a younger mistress that he had been seeing in a five-year affair, a charge that he has adamantly denied. "She slipped, and I tried to catch her," Sherwood has stated, claiming that his wife has forgiven him and praised him for his gallantry.

On instructions from the president pool photographers documented "a little family-style, eating ice cream." Sherwood's wife, Carol was noted to be touching the side of her softserve cone to her cheek. When asked about this by reporters, she stated, "Oh, it's nothing. I just bumped my cheek, a little bit... when we were getting off of Air Force One."

Bush later made an appearance at a fund raiser in Richmond Virginia with Senator George Allen. On a flag adorned stage, the president praised Allen for his character and "his steadfast nature through adversity."

Bush cited the example set by Susan Allen in a mass mailing letter sent out last week to district voters in defense of her husband. Responding to a number of issues that have surfaced in the Allen campaign, Ms. Allen stated: "I am certainly not condoning the tons of mistakes George has made, but I'm not going to dwell on them either... we do not believe in flogging dead monkeys or severed dear heads or extolling the glories of the past. It's time that everybody forgot all about this, and that is exactly what I'm hoping they'll do."

"I read Susan Allen's letter," stated Bush at the reception, "I was deeply moved by her words. Susan's letter shows what a patient and principled man her husband is."

The president then made a gift of a live Macaque, apparently spirited from the National Zoo, to Senator and Mrs. Allen. Bush joked: "Coming from a man who's compared to a monkey all the time... well... sometimes a macaca is just a monkey."

When asked whether the White House would be successful in transferring some of the moral character exemplified by Allen and Sherwood to the shoulders of Bush, White House press secretary Tony Snow said: "I'm just not going to comment on it."

10/18/06 Breaking: Mark Foley Names His Past Abuser from the Clergy, Fred Phelps

Lake Worth, FL (APE) - In a stunning announcement from an undisclosed rehab facility, disgraced Florida Congressman Mark Foley today allowed his personal lawyer to reveal the identity of his childhood abuser. Reading from a brief statement, Foley's lawyer claimed that Foley had been sexually molested on three separate occasions during a Lake Worth Catholic summer camp by the now 75-year-old Reverend Fred Phelps, who, at the time, was serving as a camp counselor during a summer break from his brief studies at Bob Jones University in South Carolina.

Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church church offices could not be reached for comment, as the congregation was in the midst of secret plans for another anti-gay protest of a funeral for a returning American casualty of the war in Iraq.

Foley's lawyer refused to provide many details surrounding the three purported incidents, except to state that Foley claims to remember vividly the white cowboy hat, and Phelps insistence upon playing a game he called "rodeo". Foley claimed to have a "branding" scar as proof of the sadistic games which Phelps insisted upon.

Congressional Republicans who were contacted offered sympathy towards Foley, and lauded his courage for being able to finally step forwards. Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert of Illinois, stated, "I hope that the press will be able to take a clearer look at the situation now. I certainly hope that the Reverend's past history of democratic political activity won't be brushed aside."

Hastert stated that he was considering opening Congressional hearings into the past and current activities of Phelps and his congregation.

Houston, Texas (APE) - Lawyers for convicted Enron felon Jeffrey Skilling admitted today that rather than pursue a long drawn out appeal, he was considering death as an option to avoid further prosecution and civil charges over his role in the collapse of Enron. They stated that Skilling had taken into consideration the best interests of himself and his family after witnessing the dismissal of charges today against fellow convicted conspirator and former boss Kenneth Lay after his untimely death on vacation in Colorado.

Local authorities were not put on a suicide watch as lawyers assured them that Skilling was simply considering an offshore death declaration for tax and legal purposes.

Federal authorities stated that there was little they could do should Skilling's legal team pursue having him declared legally dead via a coroner's mailbox drop in Aruba.

Skilling's legal team was already researching the possibility of a reversal of the conviction of their client, citing the unconstitutionality of imprisonment of the deceased.

The offshore death shelter scheme proposed by Skilling's legal defense team has become increasingly popular with the newly enriched of America thanks to tax cuts that the Bush administration is seeking to make permanent. Islands such as the Arubas and the Bahamas, which have long been tax shelters for the wealthy and famous, are seeing an increase in tourist travel, and visits to the coroners of key cities have quadrupled. Of note, President George W. Bush has become perhaps the latest to pursue a death shelter in the South American country of Paraguay with a multimillion dollar land purchase and a rumored death certificate in hand, citing alcoholic cirrhosis as a cause of death.

Republican congressional leaders have cited this trend as all the more reason to push for their proposed revocation of inheritance taxes, or, as they have preferred to refer to them, "death taxes". "It is truly a sad state of affairs in this country," stated anti-tax activist Grover Norquist, "when some of the best and brightest in America must consider an untimely death rather than face the prospect of accountability."

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush today signed into law controversial legislation which allows the United States to thumb its nose at conventional definitions of torture established by the Geneva Convention and admit into evidence the fruits of extreme interrogation as well as hearsay. Praising the bill as a landmark historic moment in the war on terror, Bush also issued a traditional signing statement designed to widen the definition of "enemy combatant".

Citing the case of American citizen Mohammed Munaf, currently being held under a death sentence by Iraqi authorities, Bush stressed the need for widespread dissemination of this legislation into domestic law enforcement. "Without the ability to introduce hearsay," stated Bush, "this terrorist killer might have gone free. The growing immoral minority of defeatist terrorist sympathizers within the Democratic Party and America need to understand that there will be severe consequences for their actions. This is a war that I'm committed to winning at all costs."

In one of his longest signing statements to date, Bush outlined his own personal definitions for being declared as an enemy combatant. They included anti-government protests, derogatory websites, inflammatory T-shirts, and more importantly, suspicions from trusted friends and neighbors. Bush also outlined a major overhaul of the U.S. Constitution over his final two years in office with the support of the Supreme Court.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow explained afterwards, "The war on terror has expanded and it's becoming a little harder to tell if we're actually winning or not. Enemy propaganda has become incredibly sophisticated and has made some inroads into collective unconscious thought. These are just the tools that we will need to be able to stave off the threats to our country."

Honolulu, Hawaii (APE) - Flying aboard Air Force One overnight, President Bush made a surprise visit to the 50th state to inspect personally the damages from yesterday's 6.5 magnitude earthquake and subsequent aftershocks. He met briefly with Hawaiian governor, Linda Lingle, promising whatever resources the state needed to avoid a Katryna-like disaster. Miraculously, no one seems to have died from the powerful quake at this point, and the majority of people have been able to return fairly rapidly to their homes.

Bush announced that in a further safeguard to make sure that this disaster was handled appropriately, he was reappointing Michael Brown as a special assistant to homeland security Secretary Michael Chertoff. The administration felt that Brown would bring infinite experience to the unfolding disaster.

Brown immediately announced a massive relief effort funded by the government, which would likely require commandeering of cruise lines, based in Los Angeles and other ports along the West Coast. FEMA immediately began taking bids from appropriate, faith-based and Republican spearheaded relief organizations. "Brownie has arranged a heck of a relief effort for anyone interested," stated Bush.

The White House stated that the president would likely extend his inspection tour over the next week, conducting the business of state from a military facility located within Diamond Head, just outside of Honolulu.

Plans for the following day include an inspection tour by bike of the damage sustained to Haleakala National Park on nearby Maui. On the next day, Bush will inspect damages sustained to the local tourism industry with an in-depth inspection of how, in particular, the deep sea fishing industry has been affected. The evening will finish with a memorial fundraising luau for both the victims of the earthquake and Governor Lingle's reelection campaign.

Pyongyang, North Korea (Rotters) - North Korean state television KRT this evening reported that North Korea went on a heightened state of alert after what it claimed was a nuclear test centered on the northwestern shore of Hawaii. The state run television system stated that the North Korean ambassador would be filing a complaint with the United Nations and seeking sanctions against the US on Monday.

The Bush administration, while admitting that the US possessed weapons that were perfectly capable of the readings apparently obtained by North Korea, denied that any such nuclear tests had taken place.

North Korean President for life, Kim Jong-Il, went further, accusing President Bush and the United States of attempting to create a tsunami, which would have a devastating effect upon the coast of North Korea. Jong-Il hinted that North Korea's top secret Mo-Dung missile was capable of reaching Hawaii in retaliation.

Hawaiians, in the meantime, began to dig themselves out from what appeared to be a magnitude 6.5 earthquake. White House spokesperson Tony Snow again assured the public that the leaked top secret program, "Divine Pineapple" had nothing to do with the earthquake early Sunday morning.

Spokespersons for the White House also assured government officials in Hawaii that FEMA had plans in place for dealing with the crisis. Former FEMA head Michael Brown was reportedly already in transit to assess the situation and would be reporting to the President and Homeland security chief Michael Chertoff.

Mountain View, CA (APE) - Google corporate headquarters today announced that it had been acquired over the weekend in a stealth takeover bid by Rupert Murdoch's Fox Inc for an undisclosed combination of cash and stock. With the acquisition of Google, Murdoch has cornered the Internet, in regards to amateur video distribution and search engine technology.

Google most recently had acquired You Tube.com in a $1.65 billion offering, and with Murdoch's recent acquisition of My Space.com he stands to corner the market in internet video sharing. Google had already become Fox network's online advertising agent for My Space, Fox TV and Fox interactive, and its acquisition sets the stage for millions in savings for Murdoch interests.

A spokesperson for Murdoch stated that fans of the search engine should expect the rollout of a faster, slimmed down, new and improved version called GOPle in the coming weeks. The search engine will pare down significantly, the available sources for news items, concentrating almost exclusively on content available from Fox Inc. Other news outlets, for a fee, will be allowed to add content to GOPle, subject to review by Fox editorial staff.

Fox incorporated anticipated no downsizing or layoffs as a result of the merger, and a spokesperson stated that the staff was looking forward to the challenge of bringing fair and balanced Internet searching to the public. They also pledged to remove all existing obstacles to cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security, in regards to making individual searches available to appropriate authorities.

Future plans for the new GOPle search engine include the resurrection of the user friendly "Ask Jeeves" once made popular by Ask.com. The new feature will be called "Ask O'Reilly" in which Fox's popular Bill O'Reilly will take the place of Jeeves, the Butler. Searchers will have their results replaced at random by insults from the right wing commentator, which it is felt will make online searches more enjoyable and increase utilization of GOPle.

Washington, DC (APE) - "Just get me a F---ing Faith-Based thing. Got it?!?" said chief presidential adviser Karl Rove to Bush aide Don Willet in 2001, according to the new book, Tempting Faith, by David Kuo. The book is scheduled to be released in print on Monday, but quotations from advanced copies have the White House screaming about Democratic political machinations, three weeks before the elections.

Kuo, a fundamentalist conservative Republican who was a former insider with the administration's largely unfunded Faith Based Initiatives, also claims that the Bush administration regularly referred to its evangelical supporters as "goofy" and "nuts". He also offered evidence that rumors of the administration's use of code words and phrases as well as visual symbolism, to placate its base during public appearances were in fact true.

The White House early this morning went on the offensive at a press conference with Press Secretary Tony Snow. Snow described charges set forth in the book as "bordering upon blasphemous", and accused Kuo of being a "Judas of the highest order".

"To accuse this president of such a cynical lack of faith ought to be a mortal sin," stated Snow. "With the coming elections, only three weeks away, I can honestly say that this entire administration has been praying together almost daily."

"I personally admire President Bush for his ability to turn the other cheek, during these times of adversity," continued Snow. "He in fact had predicted that this turn of events would occur, with his ultimate betrayal. He wants to assure everyone, however, that despite the outcome of the election in November, his administration will rise again in the hearts and minds of true believers in America."

Conservative religious activist James Dobson, who was cited in the book, was contacted for comment. A spokesperson for Mr. Dobson stated that the Reverend had made a decision to "wash his hands of the entire incident".

10/13/06 Angry Bush Announces Sanctions against Brits over Threats to Withdraw Forces

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The morning after scathing criticisms from the British, in regards to the prison at Guantánamo Bay and threats to withdraw all troops from Iraq, an angry President Bush stated that there would be "severe repercussions" should the British follow through with their threats.

"It has always been the policy of this administration to resolve differences through diplomatic channels," stated Bush in a hastily arranged morning press conference, "but all options will remain on the table. I don't know about in Britain, but here, we can shoot deserters. The world needs to know that they have nuclear weapons and must not be allowed to terrorize those that they disagree with." Bush was responding to a question from a reporter asking if nuclear strikes had been considered.

The British announcement of its desire to withdraw from Iraq comes on the heels of the U.S. Army's latest plans for maintaining its current troop strength through 2010. An armed services spokesperson stated that while it had met recruitment goals for 2006 it would be hard pressed to make up for the loss of British boots on the ground.

In a report issued earlier this week, the Army boasted of meeting its recruitment goals despite the growing American distaste for the occupation of Iraq. It reluctantly admitted that it had done so by lowering established academic, mental health, and legal standards.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld defended the change in standards for the all volunteer armed services. "The majority of the problems that we are still seeing in Iraq and Afghanistan are a result of zealous dead enders with a lot of time on their hands," stated Rumsfeld. "We've succeeded in arming them and getting them into uniforms, but they just haven't played by the rules. Sometimes the best policy is to lead by example. If we can succeed in recruiting dead enders here, then we can have them fight theirs over there... sort of like killing two birds with one IED, if you will."

Britain's top military commander, General Richard Dannatt, in an interview with the British newspaper the Daily Mail refused to say if the US Defense Department's new policies had weighed into his insistence for the withdrawal of British troops. "We have got to stand together with our American allies. But I want to go on the record publicly as saying that we don't need to be standing head and shoulders above them," he said.

10/11/06 Bush Finishes Third behind Clinton and Hastert in Annual DC Husband Carrying Competition

Washington, DC (APE) - Thousands turned out for the annual "Husband Carrying Competition" on the Mall in Washington, DC this past weekend. The annual race, featuring national leaders from both parties is held for charity every year, and this year's proceeds went towards a fund established to help defray the expenses of counseling and psychotherapy for congressional pages.

This year, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton finished first with her husband, former President Bill Clinton, successfully navigating obstacles and enduring the weight of her spouse throughout the course in record time.

Rules for the competition are such that partners don't need to be married. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert made an appearance with Florida Representative Mark Foley, who had briefly left rehab to participate in the event. Spectators were stunned and horrified as Hastert early on collapsed, out of breath, under the weight of Foley. To the applause of those present, Foley quickly hefted Hastert, onto his back, reversing their roles in completing the course in a wild second-place finish.

First Lady Laura Bush, with husband President George Bush in tow finished a very close third. Many present felt that the First Lady had a real shot at winning the competition, but was hampered by the backseat driving of Mr. Bush, who was heard repeatedly yelling, "Stay the course! Stay the course! "

Tokyo, Japan (Rotters) - Tokyo scientists early this morning stated that after a review of the data, a small earthquake in the north of Japan did not account for the tracing ascribed to a possible second North Korean nuclear blast. They now claim that the faint tremors were different from the small earth quake, and did, in actuality, originate from the same location that North Korea earlier on Monday claimed to have detonated a nuclear device.

The faint, largely undetected shock waves on Wednesday were several orders of magnitude below those detected on Monday following North Korea's reputed nuclear test. Critics have debated the magnitude of the initial shockwaves on Monday, largely stating that they revealed a very small yield nuclear explosion at best, or more likely a failed experiment.

The North Korean government has remained close lipped in regards to details on either purported blast, but insists that it now has nuclear capabilities and has intimated that it could possibly launch a nuclear tipped missile.

An anonymous CIA source today stated that the agency now believes that the Monday test was indeed a "dud". They stated that undercover sources within the North Korean government claimed that charismatic leader Kim Jong-Il was very visibly upset over the failure of the device, on Monday, and on Wednesday went into a tantrum over the news of announced unilateral sanctions by the United States, and the failure of scientists to produce a second test in a timely manner. CIA sources speculated that this tantrum may have indeed been what was detected by supersensitive Japanese monitoring devices.

Late Tuesday, the United States announced unilateral sanctions against North Korea designed to punish its leadership rather than its downtrodden and impoverished population. Major US corporations have announced voluntary boycotts of marketing in North Korea at the request of the US government. Upjohn, the manufacturer of Rogaine will cease all sales and imports to the country, as will Jack Daniels Inc. Also, the international men's hair restoration companies Hair Club for Men and Avacor-USA will cease all activities with the country.

A spokesman for North Korea speaking through a Beijing-based official stated "Sanctions are nonsense. But if the United States insists on following through with this, Kim Jong-Il will consider it a declaration of war."

Newport News, VA (APE) - Virginia Senator George Allen apologized profusely for his failed addition to the festivities of the dedication of the USS George Bush aircraft carrier yesterday in Newport News. As surprise entertainment, Allen had the popular stunt car General Lee attempt to make a landing on board the flat top. Instead, the bow of the aircraft carrier wound up being christened by a 1969 Dodge Charger instead of a bottle of champagne.

The car's stunt driver was immediately airlifted to a Norfolk emergency room and was initially declared in serious but stable condition.

The senator's office insisted that the stunt was well-intentioned, and an attempt to add some "southern hospitality" to the ceremony. "The senator just wanted to add his little some-something to the festivities," insisted a senator's office spokesperson.

A Naval spokesperson stated that the carrier would return to drydock today for further damage inspections. At present, it was felt that there was no structural damage suffered by the carrier, and that only orange paint would need to be removed for cosmetic purposes.

The White House expressed sympathy for Allen and the failed entertainment, recognizing that he was in a very close reelection race. The Bush family was apparently debating having the return to the drydock canceled, and leaving the faint impression of the rebel flag on the bow as a show of support.

10/06/06 Karr Child Pornography Charges Dismissed, Tapped to Complete Foley's Term

Palm Beach, FL (Rotters) -John Mark Karr, the former suspect in the JonBenet Ramsey killing had all charges against him concerning child pornography dismissed in California yesterday due to lack of evidence. Karr was immediately flown to Florida, where he was endorsed by the Bush administration as a successor to recently disgraced, Florida representative Mark Foley.

Reading from a prepared statement in Palm Beach this morning, Karr, a former schoolteacher, stated that he was pleased to have his reputation cleared, and was looking forward to filling the shoes of Representative Foley. He stated that, in a way, he felt responsible for the behavior of Foley and was anxious to make amends. He stated that he was excited to be given the opportunity to mentor the upcoming class of Congressional Pages.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales appeared with Karr to validate the findings of the Santa Rosa judge who had dismissed all charges the day before. Gonzales stated that Karr would be merely finishing out Foley's remaining term and that decisions to retain the office and seek election would be up to him (Karr).

Karr later met informally with President Bush, who was making a campaign fund-raising appearance for underdog incumbent Florida representative, Katherine Harris. They discussed ways in which Karr might be able to bolster flagging support for President Bush's controversial No Child Left Behind program.

10/05/06 Hastert Unhurt after Freakish Bus Accident outside of Capitol Building

Washington, DC (APE) - Authorities are describing house Speaker Dennis Hastert's survival of a bus accident just outside the Capitol building early this morning, as miraculous. They stated that the speaker had only lost his glasses as a result of the encounter. Medical personnel also stated that recent experimental radiology treatments to address a skin infection probably contributed to saving the congressman's life.

Hastert, visibly shaken, spoke briefly to assembled reporters, along with fellow congressmen, John Shimkus and John Boehner who apparently might have been witness to the incident. All three, on advice of counsel, refused to discuss the particulars of the incident, but stated that they were part of a larger group of 40 Republican leaders that were meeting that morning to discuss possible solutions to the political scandal currently enveloping the Republican Party.

The charter bus was totaled in the incident, and, in another miracle, apparently no one was injured. The bus was full of Republican operatives and fundraisers, dispatched to buttress congressional and senatorial races nationwide in a last ditch offensive, prior to the coming November midterm elections.

Authorities investigating the causes of the accident immediately dismissed the suggestion that Hastert himself had intentionally walked in front of the bus, in connection to recent pressures for the congressman to resign his position as speaker of the House in wake of the growing scandal surrounding Florida Congressman Mark Foley. They stated that Hastert, on the contrary, seemed glad to be alive, and a little angered by the incident.

The Greyhound driver, a seasoned veteran, a Mr. R. Kramden of Brooklyn New York, was interviewed and stated that he was thankful that no one was injured given the extent of damage to the bus. Kramden stated that he had been advised by Capitol Police against discussing openly the specific circumstances surrounding the accident.

"We had just loaded up and departed," stated Kramden. "The group on board was pretty happy and excited... you would have thought they were on a honeymoon or something. Maybe I was a little distracted by the commotion... and then out of the corner of my eye, there was this big group of people... and bang, zoom! Honeymoon over..."

"I've been through DC before," continued Kramden, "and you're always really careful. There is no telling what you might see that people have thrown out in the streets here."

Congressmen Boehner and Shimkus expressed relief over Hastert's welfare, but refused to comment on their physical proximity to the incident.

Washington, DC (APE) - September 11 defender, Condoleezza Rice smiles and jokes around in a video released for the first time against White House wishes, appearing with President Bush in what is apparently the second image of the two together with a controversial CIA briefing.

A previously widely published photograph of Rice has shown her with a presidential daily brief purportedly dealing with Al Qaeda threats at the president's ranch in Crawford just weeks before the 9/11 attacks. The newly released video, without sound, implies that the president was made aware of the gravity of the situation, months before the attacks, but may have become distracted by the presentation from Ms. Rice.

Rice insisted that she had no recollections of the meeting. "I don't know that this meeting took place... what I am quite certain of is that (it) was not a meeting in which I refused to respond to the president's wishes and concerns," Stated Rice. "The idea that the president could have somehow ignored me, I find, incomprehensible."

Palm Beach, FL (Rotters) - Florida Congressional Representative Mark Foley was arrested by federal authorities upon his return to his home district in Palm Beach Florida, late last night. He has been charged as a sexual predator for inappropriate e-mail messages sent to a 16-year-old male congressional page. Foley has reportedly been cooperating with authorities but has angrily denied the charges stating, "I did not have virtual sex with that young man."

The initial story of the sexualized e-mails was broken by ABC news late last night in conjunction with the weekend end of cycle bad news dump, but the story shows no evidence of disappearing over the weekend.

Further charges of complicity appeared to be surfacing, in regards to Republicans House Speaker Dennis Hastert, and Majority Leader John Boehner who appeared to have had knowledge of Foley's activities and circumvented congressional disciplinary committees in place to deal with such matters. Both today adamantly denied any interventions upon Foley's behalf and lauded the representative from Florida for his action in resigning his position yesterday. "The fact that my formerly esteemed colleague has been called to the carpet is further evidence of the effectiveness and necessity of the warrantless wiretapping bill for the security of America that we will be handing to the president, next week," stated Hastert.

Hastert and Boehner praised Foley for his years of service, and his work at promoting legislation against child predators, but stopped short of defending his behavior with the 16-year-old page. Both professed ignorance to Foley's activities, earlier in the year as they had presented them with an award for his efforts in a mentorship program for congressional pages.

In a related story, conservative bloggers have uncovered and published the name and address of the congressional page in question in an effort to force him to come forwards and confess his degree of complicity in what they describe as the online seduction of representative Foley.

09/28/06 White House Pronounces Musharraf, Karzai, Bush Dinner Meeting a Success

Washington, DC (APE) - Billed as an event that might have descended into international slapstick, the White House today announced that President Bush's dinner meeting last night with Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai and Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf went off without a hitch. White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated that the president had become further impressed with his two allies, describing them as a couple of very "wise guys".

The evening began with the three leaders discussing highly classified plans for the war against Al Qaeda over drinks. The only tense situation occurred when Afghan President Karzai almost disclosed the secret location of Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, but he was quickly and politely muffled by Bush and Musharraf. The White House described the meeting overall as very cordial otherwise, and filled with much of the exaggerated nuances in body language that they had expected.

In typical Bush administration tradition, Bush early on assigned nicknames to both leaders, and referred to them as "Pervey" and "Karzey" throughout the evening.

"The little spat over the location of Bin Laden almost got a little nyucky," stated Snow, "but they all three settled down quickly and discuss future plans for Middle East democracy over a friendly game of pool."

"It was a wonderful evening," concluded Snow, "in which nothing was thrown or broken, and nobody got hurt. All three pledged renewed efforts at promoting peace and transitioning illicit oppressive regimes towards democracy throughout the Middle East with the use of irony and humor."

09/27/06 Cheney Wrests Control from Bush in Bloodless Coup over Concerns of Rampant Defeatism

Washington, DC (APE) - The United States of America early this morning, became the second democracy to fall victim to a bloodless coup in the past month, following closely in the footsteps of the military coup in Thailand. Details are sketchy at present, but at apparently 6 a.m. this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney wrested control of the presidency from the 43rd President George W. Bush.

White House spokespersons urged the American public to remain calm during a time of necessary transition. They stated that President Cheney would likely be making a statement to the public later in the morning after necessary security measures had been taken. Tanks were seen patrolling barricaded streets in downtown Washington, and had assumed defensive positions around the White House itself.

Cheney spoke briefly to a handful of selected Fox News reporters and photographers from an undisclosed location. He announced that his personal assistant, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, would be assuming temporarily the position of Vice President.

"Sadly, the rumors of the president's growing mental instability are true," stated Cheney. "There has been a progressive decline in function, but he has noticeably deteriorated over the past week, as evidenced by his release of a highly classified national intelligence estimate to the public yesterday. In my capacity as vice president, I found it necessary to act aggressively at that point in the best interests of the security of America. I take no pleasure in assuming the mantle of the leader of the free world, but it is my sworn duty."

Cheney described the damage done by the recent leaks of the NIE as "incalculable" in the ongoing war on terror, and vowed that everyone involved would be "hunted down and punished to the fullest extent of the law."

President Bush was seen in handcuffs and shackles, leaving a side exit to the undisclosed location. "I am the president, and this is just wrong," he shouted, interspersed with fits of profanity. Bush was rapidly placed in the presidential limousine, and the heavily escorted motorcade sped away. White House sources refuse to comment on the disposition of Mr. Bush.

Cheney went on to state that both houses of Congress would likely be dissolved over the next few days in light of its failure to expedite needed measures in the ongoing war against terror. He promised free elections in the newly reformed government as soon as humanly possible when terrorist threats to America throughout the world had been completely dealt with. "This cancer of defeatism will be surgically removed from around the heart of America," stated Cheney.

"To Mr. Ahmadinejad and Mr. Jong Il," stated Cheney, "consider yourselves on immediate notice. You have exactly one week to cease-and-desist with all activities which we have deemed a threat to the United States, or face nuclear consequences."

The whereabouts of administration officials who had been close to the president was not immediately known. Rumors indicated that presidential assistant Karl Rove and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice were still at large and in hiding. Donald Rumsfeld apparently remained in charge at the Pentagon.

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In what appears to be a dramatic reversal in strategy from the George Allen Senatorial reelection campaign, Senator Allen, this morning stepped forwards and admitted that he had indeed used the "n-word" in the past, and with some frequency in the present times. He insisted that charges that this has been done in a malicious or racist intent were just "ludicrously false". He wrote off his previous denials to bad campaign advice, and vowed to set the record straight.

Allen's reversal comes in the wake of multiple assertions from past friends and acquaintances within the past week, who have come forward to recount their recollections of Allen's usage of the racial epithet.

Of note, Allen, as well, has recently had to admit and embrace his mother's Jewish upbringing, of which he insists that he was not aware.

"This really changes nothing," stated Allen. "If anything, it gives me greater freedom to present the voters my true character and have them decide for themselves. If former President Clinton can admit on national TV that he made a mistake by not killing Osama Bin Laden, then this is a small but significant contribution by comparison to furthering the cause of honesty in politics. To those who have already begun to discount me in this race, I would counter that I have amassed a huge amount of political bling from my constituents in Virginia, and I'm going to cash it in."

New York, NY (APE) - CNN news is reporting, in an exclusive interview, that singer-songwriter Wafa Dufor, the niece of Al Qaeda head Osama Bin Laden is demanding that the CIA grant her access to Bin Laden's retirement and pension plan with the agency as Bin Laden's survivor. Dufor insisted that the rumors of Bin Laden's death had been confirmed and that she now wanted to have the CIA honor its commitments to agency family members in regards to pension, retirement, and death benefits.

Dufor produced documents showing that Bin Laden had early on taken advantage of retirement packages offered by the CIA upon his enlistment as a mujahedin in the 1980s in the efforts against the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan. Her calculations indicated that Bin Laden had done well with an aggressive portfolio targeted towards early retirement, which had significantly outperformed most investment firms.

CIA chief, Michael Hayden was interviewed, and commented that the agency was performing a full review of Dufor's claims. He insisted, however that any disbursement would first be weighed against claims resulting from the ongoing war on terror and the original 9/11 World Trade Center attack. He expressed optimism that the magnitude of the accumulated funds involved might be sufficient to satisfy the interests of all parties, including Dufor.

In possibly related news, in a quiet ceremony this morning, another star was carved into the CIA's wall of secrecy.

New York, NY (Rotters) - Former President Bill Clinton was detained outside of his New York City office after a brief scuffle in which his small Secret Service detail was overwhelmed by a greater number of Fox Network Security personnel. His detention comes a day after his lambasting of Fox news anchor Chris Wallace on "Fox news Sunday".

In the interview with Wallace, Clinton aggressively defended his record on terrorism against what he described as a coordinated right-wing conservative attack launched two weeks ago through an ABC fictional movie "The Path the 9/11" which was followed closely and elaborated upon by Rupert Murdoch's Fox news network.

Fox News adamantly denied the allegations of conspiracy and stated that they were in discussions with Alberto Gonzales and the Department of Justice about how best to proceed with possible charges against the former president. Fox News described the former president's behavior as "sadly scurrilous, and bordering upon slander". Fox Security stated that the Justice Department would be investigating the possibility of charging the president with "aiding and comforting the enemy" through his nationally televised tirade, which also called into question the actions of the Bush administration.

"My heart really goes out to Chris," stated popular Fox Network celebrity Bill O'Reilly. "You really do take a chance when you bring some of these far left nut jobs on to your show. But, Chris is young, and I think he's probably learned something from all of this. And to the former president Clinton, and I use that term loosely, I say to you sir, "Have you no sense of decency?" Show some respect for the office that you used to hold. A conspiracy? This is America, sir, and let this be a lesson to you and all of your left wing terrorist sympathizer friends that the reputation of Fox News is not one to be trifled with. Olbermann, I hope you're watching."

Fox Security refused to disclose the location of Mr. Clinton, stating only that the former president was cooperating at this point, and it was uncertain whether he would be turned over to federal authorities.

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush early this morning confirmed rumors of the death of Osama bin Laden, stating that, reluctantly, Bin Laden had died at the hands of foreign interrogators, not affiliated with the CIA. Bush stated that the CIA had been working fairly closely with the unnamed foreign government agency, but assumed no responsibilities for the treatment of Bin Laden.

Bush displayed pictures of the deceased bin Laden and stated that the body would be released to family members in time for full respect of Muslim burial customs, perhaps seeking to soften an anticipated backlash from Islamic extremists.

Rumors of Bin Laden's death had been spreading among major news associations today, citing sources from Saudi Arabia and France who had suggested that he had died earlier this month from typhus. The White House stated that it was simply trying to keep the record straight, while critics pointed to the announcement as possibly an effort to rebuke criticism over the administration's perceived lack of concern over Bin Laden and Al Qaeda prior to this November's coming election.

"While this administration does not condone torture of any type," stated Bush, "this evil killer seems to have gotten what he deserved... the Lord, or Allah works in mischievous ways. This just further illustrates the need for Congress to whip into shape and pass this administration's anti-terror legislation. Who knows what kind of useful information we could have gotten from him if his interrogation had been done right."

Bush brushed off questions of the announcement as being an anticipated "October Surprise" for the coming elections. "Well, he didn't really last until October, now did he?" Bush quipped with reporters, "We finally got number one, and we're looking forward to the next one... bring 'em on."

The administration refused to answer questions as to how long Bin Laden had been in the custody of the unnamed foreign security agency, or what, if any information, Bin Laden had given up, citing security concerns.

New York, NY (AP) - ABC corporate headquarters today announced a last-minute change to its controversial "dramat-o-mentary", The Path to 9/11. Executives stated that they stand firmly behind the pseudo-factuality of the five hour movie scheduled to be aired this coming Sunday and Monday nights, and that the minor changes requested by the offices former President Bill Clinton would not be put into effect. They reiterated their determination to broadcast the piece it's entirety, despite the cited historical example of CBS pulling its controversial four hour movie on the Reagans in 2003 after similar complaints from conservatives.

ABC executives did announce, however, that after advanced screenings, they had elected to insert a brief noncommercial intermission in the middle of both nights episodes, after complaints of the length of the movie from test audiences. Audiences had also complained about the intensity and suspension of disbelief required when viewing the film.

ABC stated that it had elected to air a re-mastered classic Walt Disney cartoon from its parent corporation, Disney productions. Entitled "Swiftboat Bobbie". The cartoon debuts the character Robbie Rat, who later went on to become Disney's beloved Mickey Mouse.

ABC executives stated that this was purely their decision, and feedback from over 900 Republican reviewers was overwhelmingly positive for the inclusion of the cartoon short. It was felt that it served as a nice break from the intensity of the film, and a nice counterbalance to the weighty issues considered.

Los Angeles, CA (O! Online) - Paris Hilton was briefly arrested early Thursday for investigation of driving under celibacy, police said. A police spokesperson stated that Hilton was stopped because she was "driving erotically" and plans were to charge her with a DUC.

A Breathalyzer test was also administered and Hilton registered at the minimum blood-alcohol level of .08% for California. Police stated that they were weighing the possibility of also charging Hilton with a DUI as well.

"Officers observed that Hilton exhibited symptoms of infatuation," stated the police spokesperson. "A Field fertility test was administered at the scene and the officers determined she was attempting to drive while celibate."

Hilton's spokesperson, Elliot Mintz, confirmed the arrest but stated that efforts were underway to have the charges dismissed as Ms. Hilton was not operating the vehicle with a partner inside, and her performance was well below the excepted legal erotic standards for California.

"She's absolutely fine," Mentz stated. "She didn't appear in the least bit to be aroused."

Hilton had parked along side of the road while driving home in her Mercedes-Benz. She had spent the day shooting her next video, "Paris does Hollywood".

The driving while celibate symptoms were "probably the result of an empty relationship and working all day on her video," Mintz stated.

New York, NY (APE) - CBS news woman Katie Couric made her long anticipated debut last night as anchorperson for the network's flagship evening newscast. Her opening headline was an exclusive CBS report on the breaking story of the arrest of MSNBC news show host Keith Olbermann.

CBS news reported that federal authorities, working closely in conjunction with Fox network security, had taken Olbermann into custody late yesterday, just after the taping of his popular MSNBC "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" show. Olbermann had followed up a controversial editorial from the previous night with a second, calling to question the Bush administration's recent attempts at muddying history for political gain. He closed the the opinion piece with a historical reference of his own to the McCarthy hearings of the 1950s, asking the president, "Have you no sense of decency, sir?".

White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated that Olbermann's arrest was "the culmination of an exhaustive and long-standing clandestine federal investigation into the invasion of Islamo Fascist propaganda into mainstream American media." He stated that the operation remained secret and that there would likely be further arrests in the coming days.

Couric took the opportunity after the story to reaffirm CBS's ongoing commitment to quality, unbiased journalism throughout what she hoped would be a long tenure.

Critics praised CBS news for having the courage to lead the broadcast with the report on Olbermann before Couric's other substantially more popular exclusive piece featuring new pictures of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes new daughter, Suri.

Couric closed the newscast by unveiling her new catchphrase. The winning phrase was chosen from numerous contributions suggested by adoring fans. Borrowing heavily from her predecessor, the adored elderly statesman of television news, Walter Cronkite, Couric closed the broadcast with the phrase, "And that's the way you'd better think it is..."

The newsroom erupted into a spontaneous standing ovation at the end of the broadcast, with champagne corks popping. Couric was handed a martini, which she proceeded to down in two gulps. She stated that she was looking forward to having another with President Bush during an interview scheduled to occur tomorrow.

09/06/06 Musharraf Announces Bin Laden Safe Haven in Pakistan: Bush Declares VT Day

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House today released secret pictures commemorating the signing of a peace treaty and formal end to the war on terror. President Bush then declared today as VT Day, or Victory over Terrorism day. It was revealed that Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf had concluded secret three-way negotiations with Osama bin Laden and President Bush which guaranteed Bin Laden as well as forces loyal to Al Qaeda and the Taliban safe haven in the Northern Waziristan region of Pakistan. Pakistani forces had already begun a peaceful withdrawal from the region in anticipation of the signing of the groundbreaking peace treaty.

The specifics of the treaty appeared to be a tremendous victory for Bin Laden in that, as a signatory, he was required only to "to be like a peaceful citizen".

The Pakistani army had suffered a series of humiliating defeats at the hands of Al Qaeda and the Taliban after being pressured to invade the area by the Bush administration.

The White House insisted that this was a good deal for America and in no way should be considered, "handing terrorists, an enclave they sought to establish in an ungoverned area."

As spontaneous celebrations erupted in New York's Times Square, the Bush administration cautioned Americans that the world would continue to be a dangerous and insecure place, probably through the elections in November. President Bush, in a statement, pledged that Republicans would further carry the final skirmishes of the war on terrorism to the home front, and would not stop until the last vestiges of Islamo Fascist propagandists that had infiltrated America were eliminated from the Democratic Party.

Washington, DC (APE) - Republicans see new hope for this fall's elections as they attempt to turn the President's problems with gas availability into an advantage. The president has stated that he will commit to an increasing availability of gas leading up to November's midterm elections. Supporters of the president, however, continued to hold their breaths in a close race.

The president's handlers stated that the problem is more one of the president's perceived insensitivity on the issue, and one which they are finding sympathetic voters have increasing tolerance for.

A recent U.S. News & World Report article drew attention to Mr. Bush's hidden appreciation for all things flatulent, and surprisingly, an overwhelming percentage of Republicans viewed this as a positive for him.

The White House has elected to run with the president's newfound talents. The Secret Service has abandoned the long used acronym POTUS to represent the president for the lighter, more humorous term FLATUS. "FLATUS is down" is often uttered after one of the president's impromptu demonstrations, and is a signal for the White House chef to begin preparing legumes.

Democratic pundits have criticized the attempts at passing the president as more of a common man. "And they have the audacity to accuse us of cutting and running," stated Senate majority leader Harry Reid.

Come on all you unemployable men…
Listen to my Republican spin.
This war on turruh’s no desprit sham…
Down yonder in ‘Slamo-Fascistan.
Won’t none of my crooks see the light of the sun…
A rhetorical war’s never done!

And it's one, two, three,
What are we waitin’ for ?
Don't ask me, I don't got a plan,
Just want to drop Tehran;
And it's five, six, seven,
Servin’ up that squirrelly hate.
Well now there ain’t no crime I wouldn’t try,
Could be… I’m gonna lie.

Well, come on you libruls and show some class…
‘Fore I ‘cuse you all of bein’ pederast.
Better go out and raise my creds…
Before my old mommie and poppie’s dead.
Ain’t no caprice from number one son…
When he’s flown around on Air Force One.

And it’s one… big… spree,
What are we waitin’ for ?
You ask me, we don't need a plan,
Just got to pop Iran;
And it’s time… for… heaven,
Servin’ up that squirrelly hate
Well now, I done decided they gotta die,
Whoopie!… They’re gonna fry.

Dependin’ on K Street to make it so…
Sit back and watch them profits grow.
Plenty sure that Rummy ain’t overpaid…
Lyin’ on the armor that we won’t upgrade.
We’ll thank LeMay when we drop the bomb…
No stoppin’ ‘til Korea’s gone!

Why can’t… you… see,
What are we waitin’ for ?
Don't ask me, I don't need a plan,
I’m no flip-floppin’ man;
And I’m live… at… eleven,
Servin’ up that squirrelly hate
Well now they ain’t no slime I wouldn’t try,
You see… I’m gonna lie.

Well, it’s all my ‘druthers, just talk to the hand..
Gonna whack the boys from Fascistan.
No more bothers, there’s no debate…
Set off them nukes, unpack the crates.
Afterwards we’ll clean their clocks…
In a democracy paradox.

I'm not one… to… flee,
What are you frightened for ?
You ask me, we’ll just have the Klan
Co-opt the Taliban;
They should try… un… leavened,
Servin’ up that squirrelly hate
Well I done decided a lot’ll die,
Whoopie… We’re all gonna fry!

Washington, DC (APE) - Taking a cue from the Maine National Guard's successful "Flat Daddy" program, the White House today revealed its successful ongoing "Flat Leader" program. In a time of war, when resources and manpower are scarce, the White House stated that it was proud to add and expand its support for the Maine National Guard's program as well as all servicemen in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The program has placed life-size cardboard cutouts of key American leaders within each and every regiment currently serving in both countries.

The Department of Defense stated that the "Flat Leader" program has become immensely successful and a real morale booster within a very short time span. There have even been reports of flat leaders that have been sacrificed in the hunt for IEDs, saving countless GI's lives.

"We're exploring the possibility of expanding the program to the home front," stated White House spokesperson Tony Snow. "We believe that this could have quite an impact on the spread of Islamo-Fascisim right here in America. In a nod to well-intentioned, but misinformed liberal American citizens, the cardboard as well as the rhetoric will be 100% recycled."

"Flat Leaders" are expected to begin appearing within the next two weeks at key Republican fundraisers and in increasing frequency across America on the approach of the November elections.

Former Democratic Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman expressed support and optimism for the White House's new initiative. He is also proposing legislation in the Senate this week, which would make the potential crime of "flat leader burning" a federal offense with stiff penalties.

New Orleans, LA (Rotters) - President Bush was briefly assaulted today by a hurricane Katrina survivor at a photo opportunity outside of an eating establishment in New Orleans. The president was described as dazed and confused but otherwise not permanently injured. His assailant, a woman, was briefly taken into custody by Secret Service personnel and later released. The White House scrambled to explain how the woman had gotten past their screening procedures, and were deliberating over possibly pressing charges.

The woman, a 30-year-old African-American female, who wished to remain anonymous, was later interviewed by reporters.

"There was nothing devious here," she stated. "I went to the event as a long-standing Republican and supporter of the president. I listened to his talk and then he came out to shake hands with everyone. As I was shaking his hand, he sort of... ran into my knee. He ran into my knee three times. I just kind of went blank, I don't know what came over me."

The woman told reporters that she had lost her home in the devastated Ninth Ward, and that she continue to have faith that the federal government would "do the right thing" for the neighborhood and the city of New Orleans.

"The president is doing fine," stated Press Secretary Tony Snow. "He is a little disappointed though. He was looking forward to a mountain bike workout tomorrow through a portion of the city in which a neighborhood filled with flood refuse has been reclaimed and turned into a challenging trail. His doctor has cautioned him against further aggravating the injury."

White House critics have suggested that this woman represents a growing trend in the American electorate, which may represent a shakeup in the composition of the House and Senate come November.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, today speaking at the national convention of the American Legion in Salt Lake City Utah, bemoaned what he sees as the growing cowardice of the majority of America. Afterwards, he cited the president's assault as an example to reporters of an increasing sense of "moral confusion" and terrorist propaganda infiltration.

"It's a damn shame," stated Rumsfeld. "We'd like to go to war with the Americans we want, and not the ones we've got."

New York, NY (APE) - An embarrassed Barred Pharmaceuticals President Fred Wilkinson, today announced that its experimental male contraceptive pill, Plan D, was released nationwide, mistakenly upon the rollout of its over-the-counter controversial morning after pill, Plan B. The packaging apparently is very similar in appearance and Wilkinson expressed fears of possible adverse reactions.

The morning after the mistake, however, Wilkinson's fears appear to be largely unrecognized and Barred Pharmaceuticals is faced with attempting to recall an overwhelmingly successful product.

The consensus story appears to be that women purchasing the drug over-the-counter thinking that it was Plan B, actually read the directions and did not take the medication themselves. Many went further to either entice their partners or covertly administer the medication to them. The results have been an overwhelming success in the eyes of the women who purchased the mistaken drug, and there has been a reported mad rush to pharmacies nationwide to purchase the over-the-counter preparation before Barred has a chance to follow through with its recall.

The active ingredient in Plan D is devonorgestrel, and it seems to have a dampening or somewhat modulating effect on the male hormone testosterone.

"It was just amazing", stated an anonymous woman. "My husband seemed to be almost instantly more attuned to my feelings. In situations where he might have once insisted upon having sex, he actually deferred to me. And there wasn't all this anger and frustration when I turned him down."

Other women reported that there seemed to be an overall diminished interest in sex from their partners with an increase in their emotional attention span. Others reported that, in addition, there appeared to be no real adverse side effects such as sedation, and in fact, their partners appear to be more energetic and involved with completing household chores.

Barred Pharmaceuticals stated that it must continue the recall by law, but company lawyers are looking into streamlining the testing and research process to bring devonorgestrel to market. Religious conservatives have already begun to voice stern objections over the move citing biblical concerns over the relationship between man and woman. It is unclear at this point, whether Plan D will have any real effect on birth control as it was intended and will warrant further scrutiny.

I've had a lot of folks ask me things like, "How can you stand to even look at his face?"... or, "Don't you get bored with just putting his head on somebody else?" or, "Don't all these ad hominem attacks just bring us down?"... well, I guess I can sort of say yes to all of these questions.

I was ready to mount my usual early-morning pixel assault on the CHIMPOTUS today, when it finally just got to me... I just didn't have the stomach to look at the smirking frat boy on vacation once again. I was a little bored and looking for a challenge, too... then it dawned on me that maybe I should just give people what they want... rework Dub into something a little more palatable for those who have such a visceral response.

I realize that Doonesbury already refers to him as just a floating asterisk in his brilliant concept. However, in my thoughts this morning, I can imagine someday in later in life when I am old and America is once again safe from the corporate terrorism of this administration. At that point, I imagine that I would rather have this last six years completely redacted from history, no asterisk, no nothing.

I realize that there is that old saying about "those that don't remember the past are condemned to repeat it", but in my thinking, that's a chance I'm willing to take. Many of us remember Nixon and Vietnam, and yet Bush and Iraq happened anyway.

Therefore, in order to push this concept a little bit, give myself a little more of a challenge, and perhaps preserve my own sanity, I'm going to concentrate on deleting George W. Bush from history.

My first few attempts may be a little crude, but I think it's got real possibilities. If you think about it, this is probably the most accurate presentation of George W. Bush, highlighting a vacuum of leadership and brainless policies, both domestically and abroad. To carp off of the old fairy tale, "...the emperor is but clothes".

So what do you think? I think it's a pretty good makeover for him... I found myself sort of strangely at peace after completing these... I really could tolerate looking at him like this. If I were into video, it would be great to go ahead and wipe out his face and head, as well as his voice... just imagine a White House press conference, where the reporters are firing questions away at a headless, mute, president, who was relegated to standing and feverishly gesturing in silence... ironically, I think that's exactly what happened, in effect, at his last one...

I hope these few images have bought a sense of peace to you as well, and I hope there aren't any Republicans watching... I'd hate to give them any ideas about how to resurrect his poll ratings...

08/24/06 Cruise Announces Lawsuit against Paramount: Cites Religious Persecution

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Appearing at a press conference today with Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise announced that he had reluctantly decided to sue Paramount Studios over the recent termination of his production company's long-standing contract. The normally reclusive Hubbard, at age 95 and long rumored to be dead, felt that the issue was important enough to stand in a show of support for Cruise.

Hubbard stated that Cruise's long-standing generosity towards the church was under a significant threat by Paramount's actions against Cruise/Wagner productions.

Summer Redstone executives have publicly stated that they have had no concerns over Cruise's professionalism as an actor, but were more concerned with concessions that had to be made off-screen in regards to his religious practices. They cited these problems as being the likely cause for flagging box office and DVD sales.

"We will put the full might of the Church of Scientology behind this lawsuit," stated Hubbard. "This country was founded on the premise that people should not suffer persecution as a result of their religion."

It is unclear how much financial weight Hubbard will be able to divert to this latest front on what he describes as a jihad on Scientology. The secretive sect has been engaged in an ongoing and draining war against the practice of psychiatry for the last 20 years. Church officials have been evasive as well about the medical and scientific costs of maintaining their 95-year-old deceased founder Hubbard. Independent investigative studies report the church' s expenditures for liquid helium alone as being in the millions every year.

Hubbard, speaking afterwards to reporters, stated that he was in fact dead and has been all along, insisting that this was not some elaborate tax dodging scheme. Hubbard earlier in life was noted to have taken to the seas in a vast flotilla in order to avoid prosecution by the IRS.

Tom Cruise stated that he was, "honored by the Admiral' s presence and support."

"I would offer to you the words of the Admiral' s successor, David Miscavige," stated Cruise. "In his eulogy he said, "Ron has not actually died, but rather progressed to a level above human. He has unlocked the mysteries of life, and given us the tools so that we can free ourselves and our fellow man." And thus continues the story of the greatest man who ever died... er... lived."

Cruise announced that irrespective of the outcome of the lawsuit, plans were underway at Cruise/Wagner productions for a documentary project depicting the ongoing life and death of Hubbard. He stated that they were close to sealing a deal in which Hubbard would likely portray himself.

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush today welcomed Louisiana resident and Katrina hurricane victim Rockey Vacarella to the White House on the one-year anniversary of the catastrophic hurricane Katrina.

"I want to congratulate Rockey and all the folks along the Gulf Coast on their one-year anniversary," said Bush. "This first year has been filled with lots of ups and downs and real challenges, but that's what makes folks strong... that's what makes a marriage strong. I look forward to wishing them many more anniversaries to come."

A year after the hurricane, the Bush administration remains mired in criticism. House and Senate Democratic leaders recently released a combined report entitled "Broken Guitar Strap" which outlines the failed responses of the administration.

Bush brushed off Democratic criticism, saying that the American public should not be held captive by their overly high standards.

"I told Rocky the first obligation of the federal government is to write a check big enough to help the people down there," Bush said. "And I told him to the extent that we can keep that check from bouncing, that's just what we'll do."

The president designated Tuesday, August 29 as a national Day of remembrance. He has plans to spend two days next week in the region, visiting with those in charge of repairing and rebuilding. The following three days will be spent at a number of Republican fundraisers, as well as a birthday party for Senator John McCain and a meeting with popular country singer Mark Wills.

Las Vegas, NV (Rotters) - Right-wing pundit and author Ann Coulter made a surprise appearance this weekend at the Light nightclub's "Pole-a-Palooza" competition inside the Bellagio resort in Las Vegas. The competition highlighted the talents of Pole dancers and strippers across the United States. Coulter gave a spirited performance, but wound up finishing outside of the prize money in the fourth position.

Coulter finished first in the essay portion of the competition, but it was not enough to carry her to overall victory. She seemed ready to sweep the competition until her hair accidentally became caught in a ceiling air-conditioning duct mid-routine. Coulter described herself as disappointed but uninjured.

"I just take delight in dispelling this myth that conservatives are stuffy and no fun and really can't identify with any of the values that they are revolting against," Coulter stated. "This was a little something that I used to do during summers and after classes, as I was working my way through college. It was a lot of fun to get out there and mix it up with the pros, and discover that I still had it in me."

Coulter stated that the competition was a nice temporary distraction, but that she would be back on the road immediately, promoting her new book, Goddess: The Smirch of Libelism.

Los Angeles, CA (APE) - Growing skepticism continues to mount over John Mark Karr the confessed murderer of six-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. In the latest incident in the evolving story, an anonymous flight attendant has stepped forward and produced a reputed ID card that she claims belonged to a Karr and was apparently lost during his recent first-class flight from Thailand.

Karr has become swept up in a passionately distracting media frenzy since his confession and extradition from Thailand last week.

The anonymous flight attendant stated that she found Karr's behavior aboard the plane as well as his interactions with the supervising law enforcement personnel "a little strange."

"There was lots of champagne," she stated. "There was a lot of whispering, and winks and nods. You could tell something just wasn't quite kosher."

The laminated ID badge produced by the flight attendant had a photograph of Karr, and identified him as a CIA special agent in the highly secretive Psy-Ops division.

"It had this thing on the back that says, 'if found please drop in mail' , but I felt like it was important to let somebody else know about it," the anonymous attendant stated.

The CIA was contacted, and an anonymous spokesperson dismissed the story entirely. They claimed that the ID badge was a very cheap imitation, which was easily accomplished by anyone with some computer graphics skills. They offered no speculations as to what would motivate Karr, or anyone else, to attempt the deception.

An FBI spokesperson stated that an immediate investigation of the flight attendant had been launched with consideration of possible charges of theft of government property.

The media frenzy over Karr continued in the mainstream media, as well as throughout the Internet. The Internet was abuzz yesterday over the uncanny resemblance of Karr to Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who assassinated President Kennedy and coincidently had rumored CIA connections.

In an unrelated story, the president appeared to receive a minor bounce in his ratings over the handling of the war on terror in a recent USA Today poll.

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Pennsylvania Congressman Jack Murtha, today announced that he had received an induction notice from the US Marine Corps. The congressman's notification came a day after the Marine Corps had announced that up to 2,500 of the pool of nearly 60,000 former Marines would be recalled to serve extended tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"Heck yes I'm gonna go!" stated Murtha, "I've been dying for a chance to really get over there and get this Bush administration cluster-(expletive deleted) straightened out. Hoo-rah!"

President George W. Bush had personally authorized the recent call up and activation of individuals from the pool of those in the Individual Ready Reserve (IRR).

An anonymous spokesperson from the Department of Defense stated that there had obviously been a glitch with the computer formula designed to assess years of service versus time spent discharged. He postulated that the incident may very well have been related to the recent theft and subsequent return of a laptop computer from the VA, which contained highly sensitive veterans information.

White House press secretary Tony Snow, encouraged the press to accept that the incident was indeed a snafu, and that DOD officials were working to correct the errors with due diligence. "Jack has served honorably, and above and beyond his call of duty to his country," stated Snow. "Do you honestly think we would want him to go over there and have some harm come to him...? Not that the war isn't going well or anything."

Snow stated that the White House will continue to respond to complaints over the administration's handling of "The Global War on Terror" and allegations that the country is not at war at all, but is desperately seeking to maintain the illegal occupation of the countrys Iraq and Afghanistan.

"Many have suggested that from the perspective of the home front, this doesn't really look like a war at all," stated Snow. "This war was designed and planned this way intentionally so as to have the least amount of impact and discomfort as possible on the average citizen. We now realize that this may have been a slight mistake. In an effort to correct this problem of misperception, the administration is re-examining the possibility of rescinding its policy on the viewing of flag draped coffins. We will be promoting a commemorative gas ration coupon, with the proceeds to go towards care for wounded veterans. The US Department of Agriculture will begin selling commemorative "Victory Garden" seed packs to help Americans show their support for the troops."

"If these pilot programs prove successful, we will be considering instituting an innovative "Voluntary Selective Service " lottery for the American public," Snow continued. "Citizens at random would be issued "draft notices" through the mail, which would in actuality be offers to participate in a national lottery. Those wishing to participate would simply send in the entry fee and become eligible in a national grand prize drawing. The bulk of the entry fees would go towards providing needed armor upgrades to those currently serving in Iraq. Given time, we believe that we will be able to present this as a more palatable War to the American public."

As an added bonus, Snow stated any Marine called up during his recent activation would be entitled to free entry into any of the above programs.

If We Leave Them Now
(with apologies to Peter Cetera and Chicago)

If I deceive you now, I'll make our stay the biggest travesty…
Oooo yo! Ain't no way we go….
These Iraqi vows… don't take away my heart and make me flee…
Oooo yo! Baby we can't go….

A love for war was Rove's… his cards not mine…
How could we schlep it all away?
I'd love to spar with those who will not mind…
How can I draft them for the fray?
When the sorrow comes then we're both beset…
Things in sad decay…

A love for war was Rove's… his cards not mine…
How could we schlep it all away?
I'd love to spar with those who will not mind…
How could I draft them all today?
Then tomorrow comes and we'll all regret…
Things in sad decay…

If we just flee somehow… the stakes impale the very heart of me…
Oooo yo ! Say it just ain't so…
Whole world… just got to buy my lies…

No, maybe we can't go

Ooo manna, I just got to get to heaven, yeah…

Our guns and cars… can't leave them all behind…

PAKISTAN (APE) - Osama bin Laden said Sunday that the foiled airline plot in
Britain was evidence that terrorism could continue to grow and flourish under
Bush administration policies for years to come.

Bin Laden was speaking from a loosely guarded hemodialysis unit somewhere in the
mountainous region of Pakistan.

Bin Laden praised the efforts of the Bush administration in allowing Al-Qaeda
"an incredible amount of time, energy and effort" in their ongoing plans to
further terrorize American citizens, and ultimately make the Middle East safe
from America. "I will assure the majority of American people that we are doing
everything in our power to spare you," he said, "but we are involved in a war
against an extremist group of folks, bound together by a neocon ideology,
willing to use terrorism to achieve their objectives."

"Allah be praised," bin Laden stated, "the enemy has given us an advantage when
it comes to attacking their homeland. The world is now full of martyrs willing
to take up the cause. It used to be that we only had to be right one time, and
they had to be right 100% of the time to protect the American people. Now we
don't even need to get it right and we don't even have to try."

A recent AP-Ipsos poll continued to show Bin Laden locked in a tie with
President Bush at 39% as the most despised person in the world.

Washington, DC (APE) - Senator Joe Lieberman on Sunday called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, amidst allegations that the increasingly unpopular secretary of defense is gay.

As Lieberman's solo run for reelection begins to heat up, he on Sunday apparently attempted to simultaneously distance himself from the Bush administration and solidify his base with his proclamation that it was time for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's resignation due to questions of his sexuality. He stated that this represented somewhat of an imposed "litmus test" on his fledgling "Lieberman for Connecticut Party."

Lieberman defended his challenges to the defense secretary's sexuality, insisting that "He had a naïve vision that the Iraqis were going to embrace us and then go on and live happily ever after. How else can you possibly explain that?"

Lieberman was speaking on CBS's nationally syndicated Deface the Nation.

"There is still hope in Iraq as long as the Iraqis believe we will not continue to just walk in and leave them to the sure disaster of sexualized torture and aggression that we have chosen to utilize in maintaining our security in the war on terrorism," he said.

"This entire 'don't ask don't tell' policy from the Pentagon has been a disaster for America, and it's a position that my opponent Ned Lamont has taken," Lieberman said.

Lieberman later responded to a question from a reporter who asked if his new stance on Rumsfeld was in any way related to Karl Rove's taking over of his campaign, stating, "that's just plain politics from a little macaca who obviously has ambitions of his own."

"I'm working hard so that the Lieberman for Connecticut party might mirror some of the successes that the Republican Party has had as kind of a litmus test party," he said. "If you don't agree with me 100% of the time, you don't agree with Connecticut."

Channeling Andy Rooney here... did you ever notice how Dub is always making this same gesture with his hands all the time? Once I thought he was just drying his nails or showing off his manicure... Many have said that the gesture is very purposeful and calculated while others have suggested that it is somewhat of a tell... revealing his secrets and his inner workings...

I've sort of come around to the latter way of thinking... I think he's self conscious, and he's hiding something... something like... like... a Man-o-lantern...

And we all know to what extremes the Republican Party and Bush Administration will go to to instill fear and discipline within the ranks...

Maybe this sort of explains the attraction that Ann Coulter and the likes still have for him...

08/17/06 Bush Confesses to Rape and Murder of Constitution, Claims it was Accident

Washington, DC (APE) - Federal authorities were summoned to the Thai Embassy late this evening to take custody of US President George W. Bush. Bush allegedly confessed to Embassy officials that he was guilty of the rape and murder of the U.S. Constitution, a mystery that has baffled legal experts for over five years.

White House press secretary Tony Snow immediately called to question the story of the president's guilt. He stated: "I have to believe that they have more than this kooky confession. The president had merely taken an interest in the evolving story of JonBenet Ramsey and had gone to the embassy to see if there were further developments."

Officials at the Thai Embassy stated that the president approached them earlier this afternoon, after the announcement of the decision by federal judge Anna Diggs Taylor ruling that the NSA's warrantless wiretapping program was illegal. Shortly thereafter, he volunteered the stunning confession that he had raped and murdered the Constitution.

A throng of reporters peppered the recalcitrant president with questions. Bush told how he loved the Constitution, and was there when it died, but insisted that its death was an accident.

Bush stated that drugs were involved, but all were prescribed by physicians in an effort to help him cope with the stresses of his job. While under the influence, Bush stated that he forced the Constitution into progressively more and more outrageous and depraved acts until it was killed by accident. Legal scholars admitted that all along there had been ample evidence of sadistic abuse and assault to the Constitution, but details had been withheld from the public.

When asked by reporters if he was innocent, Bush replied simply, "no". He then added cryptically that the Constitution's death was "not what it seems to be."

The White House seemed determined not to allow the president's confession to get in the way of preserving the NSA's warrantless wiretapping program and the ongoing rape of the deceased Constitution. "We're going to do everything we can do in the courts to allow this to continue," stated Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

Crawford, TX (O! Online) - President George W. Bush, otherwise affectionately known as "Boy George", recently completed in secrecy five days of community service in Crawford, Texas while he was purportedly on vacation. A mere handful of selected photographers were on hand to document the service for posterity, and it was unclear whether Boy George actually completed the entire five days of service.

The Secret Service, citing national security concerns, kept Boy George's service largely secret from the public, and the prying eyes of Cindy Sheehan's antiwar protest group stationed elsewhere in the town.

Boy George began his community service promptly at 7 a.m. on a Wednesday morning and by 7:15, he had turned in his shovel for a mountain bike, leaving the bulk of the duties to an admiring and supportive Crawford sanitation worker.

The president's community service, came as a result of a protracted court fight over a number of drug charges and a drunken driving conviction that he was hit with in the early 70s in Houston, Texas. A White House spokesperson stated that the president's legal team, in secret, had finally exhausted all options and appeals, but were proud of the fact that they had been able to negotiate the convictions down to five days of community service.

Before abandoning his post, the 60-year-old president traded jokes with a Crawford sanitation worker and photographers assembled to document the event.

"I think that that guy's a lot better at this than me. I should just go home. Let him do my community service," Bush joked. "I feel really humbled by him. Why don't we just let him go on about his hard work."

White House spokesperson Tony Snow told those assembled that the President was trying his best not to "show any kind of emotion about this thing."

"He takes it as national pride," Snow said. "We all need to humiliate people that think he's not a humble person."

08/15/06 Bush Administration Foreign and Domestic Policy : An Illustrated Primer

Step One: Dig deeply. Use all available resources to root out everything that you deem counterproductive and offensive. Try to do so in a discreet manner, but do not be afraid to offend some people publicly if you must.

Step Two: Analyze in secret the fruits of your efforts. If necessary, after you have chewed around on your data, do not be afraid to repeat Step One and widen your search. Be aware of the risks involved, and spill blood only as a last resort. Always be prepared to eat everything in the name of national security if you're in danger of being caught.

Charade Magazine - President Bush, just finishing up a small vacation in Crawford Texas, did what many Americans do on vacation, he took the time to read a book. He dedicated a brief portion of his vacation in reading a work by one of France's most celebrated authors, Albert Camus, "The Stranger". The President stated that the book made a real impression upon him, and Charade Magazine in an exclusivity interview was able to allow the president a venue to share some of his thoughts on this literary masterpiece:

Charade: Thank you Mr. President, for allowing us a little time out of your busy schedule for this interview.

Bush: You're welcome. As you probably know I was over in Europe last month sort of hobnobbing with the leaders there, doing a lot of hard work with treaties and negotiations and decisions and such. I'm proud to say that we've come a long way in restoring a lot of relationships, especially with the French. It was suggested that I might want to read this book to understand their culture. I must say, I think they make a little more sense to me now.

Charade: So tell us, Mr. President, what was the story of "The Stranger" about, and what impressed you so much?

Bush: Well the story is about this fellow... and I always have trouble with names... it started with an M... French sounding... and he smoked a lot... we'll call him Marlboro. This guy Marlboro finds out one day that his Mee-Maw died, that's how the book starts, it says, "Mee-Maw died today". You can tell that he's pretty broken up about it because he doesn't show it, but nobody else seems to get it.

Charade: Is this the part of "The Stranger" that you found so compelling?

Bush: Well, maybe... my mom hasn't died yet... I don't think... I haven't spoken to her in a little while... but this guy Marlboro was pretty interesting. He worked hard, and really had an eye for the women. He liked to smoke and drink, and he took a lot of naps, too.

Charade: So you really have a lot of things in common with the main character?

Bush: Maybe... but not so much anymore. I think what I liked the most was the author's stress on the importance of morals and Christian beliefs. This guy Marlboro was kind of a tragi-comic figure... like Karl said, I seem to remember that term from English class. You really admire him for standing behind his beliefs and not wagering in adversity. But, in the end it's pretty sad when you come to realize that this keeps him from accepting Jesus as his savior.

Charade: Are there any lessons from the novel that you plan to incorporate in your own life and in your position as president?

Bush: The book really does inspire you to be able to stick by your guns when you're surrounded by a lot of gloom-doomers and naysayers. I also liked the fact that someone could be prosecuted for not thinking and believing in an acceptable way... France has obviously changed a lot since the time of Shamu. I think literature is always open to interpretation, just like diplomacy... as we are faced with the possibility of impending peace in the conflict between Israel and Hezbollah, it is important for us to not give up all hope.

Charade: Thank you, Mr. President, for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Bush: Always a pleasure... but I feel like they're decisions more than anything else.

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Department of Homeland security today released further information in regards to the terrorist liquid bomb plot in London. The press conference was capped off by a demonstration of the effectiveness of one of the terrorists' proposed devices. Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales constructed and detonated a small yield device to the stunned silence of the press in attendance. No one was harmed in the demonstration, but a number of angry photographers were seen wiping residue from lenses.

"Just think what could be achieved on a larger scale", stated Chertoff. "No one would have been spared if we have chosen instead to use perhaps a liter bottle of fluid. The same principles can be applied towards a deadly rocket. The administration has been communicating closely with the Israelis and we really believe that as the conflict in Lebanon winds down and the materials and supplies for war dry up they may be faced with just such improvised rockets from Hezbollah."

Chertoff also responded to allegations that the United States had raised its terror level to Red for political machinations. "Yes, we did know about the plot for almost 2 weeks before the arrests in London," stated Chertoff, "we simply did not want to ruin the possibility of tripping up more bad guys both domestically and internationally by tipping them off. Only after the arrests on Thursday in Britain and the realization of the effectiveness of the device that you have seen demonstrated today did the president make the correct decision to elevate the terror level."

"There were a lot of very ill-informed statements in the press yesterday in regards to the difficulties involved in actually constructing and detonating a liquid bomb," concluded Chertoff. "This is our attempt to set the record straight. You saw for yourself how easy this was, and the materials are readily available in airports, train stations, and movie theaters all over the world."

"The war on terror is an ongoing thing," added Attorney General Gonzalez, "we adapt and we improvise and we adjust our tactics. Americans have always been willing to make sacrifices during times of war. Reluctantly, we will institute tomorrow a ban on all carbonated beverages in America as well as suspect over-the-counter breath freshener preparations. Bad breath is a small sacrifice we can all pay in support of our troops overseas."

"We will continue to stay ahead of the curve in the war on terror," Gonzalez continued. "As we speak researchers are investigating and taking steps to maintain the integrity of the nation's bottled water supplies. If need be, we will also issue a ban on all effervescent antacid and denture cleaning materials as well."

Gonzales concluded: "While the election defeat of Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman is somewhat of a red flag, we have no reason to suspect any other signs of a growing domestic terrorism problem such as we are seeing in Great Britain. We will, however, continue to remain vigilant and continue to deny material and support for terrorism domestically as best we can."

Gonzalez refused to comment on a related story in California that popular "Mythbusters" Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman had voluntarily surrendered themselves to FBI officials for questioning.

Washington, DC (APE) - White House aide Karl Rove announced today that he would be taking personal responsibility for the fledgling independent run of Joe Lieberman for Connecticut state senate. He has labeled the race and all its implications as potential "Republican Dynamite".

Lieberman, refusing to accept the will of the Connecticut Democratic party in his loss to Ned Lamont yesterday, announced his candidacy for the same position as an independent in the fall election. The White House later sent a message to Lieberman campaign headquarters stating that 'the boss is concerned with the results and will pledge whatever it takes'.

"If they had put me in, things would have been different," stated Rove. "We would have taken the state. No doubt. No doubt in my mind. Don't you ever wish you had a time machine and could just go back... well, we're looking into it. I wish Joe would have talked to us earlier... nowadays voters are only interested in leaders with good computer hacking skills..."

Rove went on to say that plans were in place for a complete makeover of Senator Lieberman. The goal will be to present him as strong on national security as well as sympathetic to the immigration issue and the national and statewide Latino vote.

Rove stated that the president would continue to offer his personal support to Lieberman, probably in the form of security and campaign logistics.

"This was an incredibly ugly race, and the citizens of Connecticut deserve better," continued Rove. "I don't know how things are done around the rich and influential liberal cities in Connecticut, but driving around a massive Paper Mache piñata float of your opponent is just not acceptable. At BushCo we use the buddy system... no more flying solo... you need somebody watching your back at all times."

The Ned Lamont campaign headquarters, after a day of brief celebration and needed rest was back into high gear this morning. When asked about predictions for the Rove assisted Lieberman campaign, they expressed little concern. "They'll probably be giving us more half-built yellow cake, or something," stated an anonymous Lamont staffer, "Vote for Joemo, and all of your wildest nightmares will come true."

08/08/06 Former Diebold Executive O Dell Declares Lieberman Victory in Connecticut

Hartford, CT (Rotters) - On the eve of one of the most controversial electoral primaries in America, Ward O Dell the former CEO for Diebold, stepped forward to declare victory for incumbent Senator Joseph Lieberman. He stated that he was proud to be able to pledge his former company's vast resources to secure a victory for Lieberman over his dogged challenger, Connecticut businessman Ned Lamont.

O Dell offered, as pre-election day congratulatory gifts, complementary USB "thumb drives" to thousands of Lieberman campaign staffers throughout the state. O Dell declared Lieberman the primary winner by the narrowest of margins of 51% to 49% and predicted that the results would contrast markedly with controversial exit polling which would undoubtedly occur as voting begins tomorrow.

Lieberman campaign staffers stated that the Senator would likely make an announcement in which he would accept conciliation from challenger Lamont first thing in the morning. Lieberman was previously scheduled to cast his own vote in his home precinct, but staffers stated that he would instead begin a victory celebration after the announcement. The Lieberman campaign headquarters, in an attempt to make amends over an occasionally corrosive campaign, also encouraged Connecticut voters to come and join in the victory celebration rather than vote, as the results of the election were no longer in question.

Lamont campaign headquarters was contacted for a quote on the pre-election eve results, and they issued a simple one-word statement, saying, "Nuts!"

Crawford, TX (APE) - Early this morning a dispute erupted between local police and the President's secret service detail as Mr. Bush was apparently taken into custody outside Camp Casey, the protest camp set up by noted peace activist and Gold Star Mom, Cindy Sheehan. Crawford police are reportedly considering charging the president with indecent exposure, in an incident which the White House is referring to as merely "skinny-cycling".

In the early dawn hours, those entrenched at Camp Casey were apparently exposed to a nude President Bush as he flashed by on his bicycle followed buy a clothed security detail. Ordinarily, the White House stated, the security detail might have been "au natural" as well, in support of the president, but past experience has shown that they need clothing to conceal their automatic weaponry and other security equipment, as well as guard against chaffing.

The White House claimed that the appearance at Camp Casey was unintentional, as the president apparently took a wrong turn off of his 1,600 acre ranch.

"Riding helps clear my head, helps me deal with the stresses of the job," Bush had told accompanying reporters on a clothed ride earlier the previous day. "What I wouldn't give to be sixteen again!", he yelled at one point.

The president was supplied with appropriate attire by the Crawford police upon arrival at the station. It was not clear whether the president would actually be charged as White House legal representatives wrestled with the issue. They argued that the matter was indeed an issue of "National Security" and that, in truth, an emperor had no need of clothes.

An FBI spokesperson admitted that an investigation had been launched in order to obtain the identity of the person phoning in the 911 call informing Crawford police of the reputed incident. "Misuse or activation under false pretenses of emergency personnel is a serious offense," stated the spokesperson.

A witness at Camp Casey, who insisted on anonymity, stated that the incident went beyond a brief "flash" by the president. "Oh, no... he actually pulled over and got off the bike... right over by the cross exhibit," stated the witness. "And then he... well... desecrated them. I always figured that with his foreign policies and whatnot that he would be more... you know... endowed."

The White House vehemently denied the witness' accusations, insisting that administration leaking had long since been taken care of. The president returned to his ranch, where he is anticipating a visit with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice later this morning.

08/03/06 Rumsfeld to Attend Public Hearing after being Assaulted with Dictionary

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld yesterday agreed to appear before a senate hearing on the war in Iraq after being assaulted by a thirty pound Dictionary lobbed by a pool reporter whose name was withheld by pentagon security. Rumsfeld had been engaging in one of his tried and true choreographed rhetorical question sessions over the growing civil war in Iraq when the reporter apparently snapped, throwing the dictionary at the Secretary. Rumsfeld's glasses were broken in the spontaneous assault, but he quickly produced a pair of sunglasses and continued.

Just prior to the assault Rumsfeld had posed a series of questions: "Is it a high level of sectarian violence? Yes, it is. And are people being killed? Yes. And is it unfortunate? Yes. And is the government doing basically the right things? I think so..

"Does that constitute a civil war? I guess you can decide for your yourself. And we can all go to the dictionary and decide what you want to call something. But it seems to me that it is not a classic civil war at this stage."

At this point the reporter began advancing from the back of the room holding what appeared to be a huge Oxford Annotated English Dictionary.

Rumsfeld, seeing the reporter, smirked and said: "Is that a dictionary you're holding? Yes, I suppose it is. Do you want me to look up the definition of a "civil war"? No, I'm getting the feeling that you don't. Are you considering throwing it at me? Yes, I guess you are. Do you know who I am and what I can do? I don't think so. Are you aware of the places that you can be rendered to, and the powers that I have to do it? Hmmm... I'm not sure... Are you aware of the cat-like reflexes that I still..."

At that point, from approximately ten feet, the reporter tossed the dictionary, hitting Rumsfeld squarely in the forehead, breaking his glasses. The other assembled reporters, apparently in shock, were unable to even attempt to restrain the assailant. Only after what seemed an eternity of almost giddy silence did pentagon personnel step forward in an orderly and gentle manner to detain the reporter.

Afterwards, a slightly disheveled Rumsfeld made the announcement that he had reconsidered his decision to avoid testifying at the senate hearing scheduled for this morning. Capitol Hill security later announced that, because of the incident, increased screening has been put in place indefinitely and no books or periodicals larger than "My Pet Goat" would be allowed in either the house or senate.

Little Havana, FL (AP) - George Bush, who took control of America in a bloodless coup in November of 2000, temporarily relinquished his presidential powers to his brother Jeb on Monday night prior to undergoing political cosmetic surgery.

Bush, less than a month after his 60th birthday, did not address reporters after the secretive ceremony in which he turned over authority to his brother Florida Governor Jeb Bush. Instead, a statement was read by his press secretary Tony Snow. It was the first time in 5 1/2 years of absolute rule that Bush has given up power.

In the note read by Secretary Snow, Bush stated that he was undergoing the political surgery after an apparent tumble this weekend from the steps of Air Force One. The fall was attributed to recent stresses associated with a continually failing diplomatic mission for the peace process between Lebanon and Israel, and what some describe as a cancerous civil war in Iraq fomented by administration policy.

"This procedure obligates me to undertake a month of rest," press secretary Tony Snow read from the letter. "Extreme duress had provoked in me a sharp intestinal fortitude crisis with sustained bleeding of political capital that is obligated me to undergo a complex political makeover."

It was not immediately clear what type of procedure would be undertaken and just how radical an alteration Bush would undergo, but political physician Karl Rove stated that one of the main goals would be to stanch sustained bleeding.

It remains unknown how serious Bush's political conditions is, but "any major alteration in a 60 year old politician is life-threatening," stated Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman. Lieberman cited potential complications such as chronic appearances of weakness and incompetence. "He'll get better, without a doubt," said Lieberman. "Karl is a really good spin doctor, and he's in great shape."

In perhaps a real indication of the seriousness of the president's condition, it was noted that there was no real protest over the president's ignoring official constitutional orders of succession in bypassing Vice President Dick Cheney.

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Bad Boy newcomer Mel Gibson, after this weekend's strategic preemptive apology for his recent drunken and abusive public behavior, today announced a new project which will include fellow Australian Russell Crowe. Talks are underway for Crowe to star in an autobiographical film in which he will portray Gibson.

Press agents for both actors stated that all involved felt that the project had the potential to be a real winner. The agents cited marketing research which showed that not only did both men stand a good chance for having their past drunken and rowdy public transgressions forgiven by moviegoers, but both stood to benefit tremendously through the affiliation with each other.

Gibson is reportedly set to direct Crowe in a depiction of Gibson's life in which his entire career is crucified by the press.

Insiders stated that the negotiations between Crowe and Gibson began amicably enough but then deteriorated over drinks. Crowe reportedly, at one point, attempted to throw a phone booth at Gibson, after Gibson accused him of trying to "Jew him down" throughout the talks.

Washington, DC (APE) - US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, in a press conference yesterday at the state department, bid farewell as she embarked on a trip to a major competition in the middle east where she will be representing the United States. She vowed to bring home the title to the Middle East to America.

"This is a different Middle East competition," Rice stated, "It's a new Middle East. It's cutthroat."

"What we're seeing here... is the afterbirth of an aborted attempt at a democracy in a "New" Middle East competition. We have to be certain, this time, that we push when we're told to in the Middle East, and not go back to breathing the incorrect old way."

Rice stated that she was looking forward to open confrontation and competition with her perennial archrivals Miss Syria, Miss Iran, and this year's gutsy performer, Miss Hezbollah. She offered to reporters that fans would be in for a real treat as she partnered with Miss Israel in the talent portion of the competition. Sources have reported that the two will perform a song and dance routine to Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture. Rice, an accomplished concert pianist, will offer her rendition of the classical piece while Miss Israel performs an interpretive dance. Washington has reportedly pulled all stops in their support of the production, and is reportedly speeding delivery of precision guided pyrotechnics and other "special effects" to spice up the presentation.

Rice also went on to say that she felt she was a sure bet to win the swimsuit competition, thanks to her rigorous daily training. The US has received repeated assurances that drug testing will not occur throughout the competition.

In her oral presentation, Rice stated that she will focus on a brief essay of the time honored theme of "World Peace". "This will be a forum where we hope to unveil new thoughts about an American ideal for peace throughout the Middle East. We will be advocating for a hard fought, bloody and lasting peace through superior firepower."

07/20/06 Stem Cell Veto Uncovers Controversial Top Secret Government Snowflake Baby Program

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The New York Times is reporting today on the existence of a top secret cloning and stem cell development program under the auspices of the NIH, the day after President Bush vetoed a controversial yet popularly supported bill that would extend government support for stem cell use and research. Anonymous sources within the NIH informed Times reporters that the secret program had remained active and had indeed expanded throughout Bush's tenure with the full support of the White House.

Dubbed "Operation Blizzard", the program worked in conjunction with fertility clinics nationwide as well as "snowflake baby" activists to warehouse and pool embryos which would otherwise be slated for destruction.

The Times source stated that the government, working over the past five years in secrecy, had been able to advance its knowledge of cloning and stem cell techniques exponentially. The source claimed that human cloning and organ harvesting was now bordering upon being a routine procedure.

White House sources angrily denied the story, but stated that the Department of Justice had been informed of the apparent leak to the Times. The White House again chastened the Times for what they called "playing around irresponsibly in national security issues. Perhaps adding some credence to the story, White House sources then stated that it was common practice for the government to "hedge its bets", particularly when a very potentially lucrative technology is concerned.

President Bush, in a largely closed and private ceremony yesterday, signed a veto of a proposed bill from Congress that would expand research into stem cells. He was surrounded by dozens of toddlers, mostly male, all of whom were products of "snowflake baby" activists. "Snowflake Baby" is a term used to describe a frozen embryo, and this particular national group of activists strive to make sure that each embryo develops into a viable child.

Bush, holding a child, the product of the snowflake baby program, stated that he was vetoing the bill on moral grounds. "I just want everyone to look around here today," stated Bush. "Just look at all of these bright eyed little boys and girls who may otherwise never have seen life. Each one is a potential leader of America."

The Times stood resolutely behind its story and sources. They stated that they had already been contacted by an unnamed cable television network that wished to produce a movie about the facts of the story. The Times stated that the project was a work in progress with a working title of "The Boys from Crawford".

In a possibly related development, the White House today also announced that Vice President Dick Cheney would be absent for the next week as he checks into Bethesda Hospital in Maryland for what was described as a routine heart procedure.

07/19/06 Bush Vetoes Stem Cell Bill Issues Signing Statement Preserving Perfect Record

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush early this morning followed through with his threatened veto of the controversial stem cell bill approved by Congress yesterday and immediately followed it with a signing statement. The current signing statement adds to a total of some 500 to 600 issued by the president throughout his tenure, preserving, according to White House sources, his perfect record.

At a hastily prepared press conference, President Bush angrily waved a glossy photo of a digitally enhanced actual stem cell. "This could have been my son, or your son..." ranted Bush, "or my mother, or your father, or a new heart or a kidney for your grandfather Prescott... well heck... I guess it could have been just about anything. But that's beside the point. This is just wrong. We can't be playing God like that doctor and those nurses in New Orleans."

White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated afterwards that while technically the president had issued a veto on the bill, his signing statement questioned the veto, as is the right of the unitary executive, during particular instances of national security. He went on to praise the president for what he considered an act of compromise and courage, citing this as proof that President Bush continues to be a uniter and not a divider.

An advance copy of the 12 page veto signing statement released to the press in attendance cited the Bush administration's continued support for the occupation of Iraq. It advised that the president could question the constitutionality of the veto, and indeed intentionally violate it on the grounds of supporting further enlistment and functioning of the Army and National Guard. The document cited the recruitment shortfalls in all branches of service as well as the diminished organ donor pool for casualties in Iraq. While it did not state at what point plans would be implemented, the signing statement went on to outline how human cloning experimentation could be accelerated with the government's assistance if need be.

Reactions from senators were not immediately available, but Washington observers stated that the president's action would likely be found offensive to Democrats and Republicans alike.

North Carolina Senator Elizabeth Dole, who voted against the original stem cell bill, will likely find herself at loggerheads with the president's veto signing statement. Mrs. Dole had earlier announced the launch of her "Adopt a Snowflake Baby" campaign which she launched in North Carolina yesterday. The program recruits volunteers as de facto guardian ad litems for the almost 500,000 frozen embryos currently living in the United States.

Washington, DC (APE) - Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was rushed to Walter Reed Hospital late this evening after apparently suffering a setback during treatment for a skin infection. Hospital authorities confirmed that Hastert was in stable condition but that the infection seemed to be spreading.

Treating physicians at a brief news conference stated that tests confirmed that Hastert had become infected with a virulent and resistant strain of Greedococcus Briberi. They stated that around the clock ethical acetate infusions had begun but the infection continued to progress. In ordinary circumstances, Greedococcus is highly susceptible to mere daylight, but for reasons unknown, this strain had become resistant.

Public health authorities acted swiftly, closing down both houses of congress. They were not optimistic as to whether homeland security would be able to assist in halting its spread throughout the entire city of Washington.

The White House issued a statement saying that the infection seemed to spread through contact with money. They advised all persons fearful of infection to immediately bring their money to one of a number of satellite locations to have it laundered properly.

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Lieberman campaign officials this weekend confirmed that talks were underway with LucasFilms inc. to have the Connecticut senator make a transition to the big screen should he fail in his August primary election bid and his subsequent independent quest to retain his US senate seat. Lieberman would have a starring role in George Lucas' latest addition to the Star Wars family of films, a prequel remake to his two previous successful trilogies which is entitled: "Revenge of the Menacing Phantom Left-Wing Blogs".

Lieberman would play a re-vamped character named Joe-Joe Finx, a comic relief to the evil emperor who has appeared throughout the series. Many right-wing extremist Republicans in power currently in Washington have leveled criticism at Lucas for what they perceive as blatant and unpatriotic parodying of the current Bush administration throughout his popular series of films.

Lieberman campaign headquarters cautioned Connecticut voters against reading too much into the negotiations at this point, stating that Lieberman has every intention of sweeping past opponent Ned Lamont in the fall primary and retaining his seat. "We could not help but notice how successful the senator's former running mate Al Gore has been with his own venture into Hollywood," said a campaign spokesperson. "Just look at what "The Terminator" did for Governor Schwarzenegger in California. This is just a sort of hedging of bets, and it may well pay off with more sympathetic name recognition even before the election."

The Lieberman campaign scoffed at the notion that the proposed character bore an uncanny resemblance to Jar-Jar Binx, whom Star Wars fans have dubbed as one of the worst failures from the creative mind of George Lucas. "This will work," a spokesperson stated, "There's a huge difference here... the senator is a funny guy, he's got a great sense of humor."

The role, however, does not seem to be a done deal for Mr. Lieberman. Two dedicated groups of "fringe element" Star Wars fans called "Friends of the Gungans" and the "Anti-Gungan Defamation League" have already begun circulating a petition demanding that Senator Lieberman withdraw his name for consideration for the role, stating that his appearance in the film would create an irreparable rift in the fragile alliance between the minority Jar-Jar Binx supporters and the majority detractors.

Boston, MA (Rotters) - Vice President Dick Cheney today visited the site of the "Big Dig" where a motorist was tragically killed yesterday. Speaking with reporters afterwards, he took the opportunity to respond to remarks made by Russian president Vladimir Putin, elevating a "cold war" of words between the two which began over criticisms from Mr. Cheney.

"I understand Mr. Putin had some comments over how I handle a gun," stated Mr. Cheney "Well, I'll offer a standing invitation to him anytime to come hunting with me, and we'll just see if I can't hit whatever I want to. Democracy has historically been spread effectively at gunpoint in America, and it's a lesson that he would do well to spread in Russia." Cheney then chambered a round into the shotgun that he happened to be carrying for emphasis.

Cheney's latest remarks came after Putin referred to Cheney's acerbic criticism of the slow progress of Democratic Reform in Russia from a speech made in Lithuania in May. Putin had called Cheney's criticism "an unsuccessful hunting shot" earlier in the day.

The White House refused to speculate on the reasons behind Cheney's visit to Boston, but rumors indicated that he was involved in negotiations for a no-bid contract for Halliburton to complete the controversial "Big Dig" construction project. Halliburton was noted earlier in the day to have lost their contract with the US armed services in Iraq.

07/12/06 Hoekstra and Lieberman Announce Discovery of Al-Qaeda Mole in White House

Washington, DC (APE) - Michigan representative Peter Hoekstra and Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman in a combined press conference yesterday announced the exposure of an A-Qaeda sympathetic mole somewhere in the chain between the intelligence community and the White House. Hoekstra stated that evidence for the mole's existence was scant at this time, but he felt that there was enough to make public the allegation.

"Clearly, when leaks hurt the White House, they aid the enemy," stated Hoekstra, "It's as simple as that. The existence of a mole follows logically, we just have to determine whether there has been an actual compromise in security with an infiltration, or if we are facing a mole of the traitorous, home grown variety."

Hoekstra went on to elaborate that there had been a number of "disinformational" bait stations set from the east lawn of the White House to even the hallowed grounds of Arlington, and that it would be only a matter of time before the mole was caught.

Hoekstra was asked if their going public at this point would not result in the mole simply becoming scared and going underground. "I don't think so", he replied, "When you understand the nature of a mole, they are driven to selfishly consume and destroy... it's what they do."

Lieberman added, "I guess that I'm hoping that it turns out to be an infiltration ... that is at least more understandable. The thought of one of our own switching sides and betraying us is just so foreign to me."

Lieberman was then asked to distinguish between a whistleblower and a mole. "Moles are, in a way blinded, by their own hubris, they just destroy everything that gets in their way for self gain. A whistleblower, on the other hand, might work in secret but he truly has the best interests of America at heart. Besides, a mole would never attract attention to itself by blowing a whistle... I would seriously doubt that they even could... have you ever seen their teeth?"

07/10/06 Bush Tasks Congress with Increasing Science Education Funding to Further "Spread Love"

Aurora, IL (Rotters) - President Bush, on Saturday, devoted part of a two-day trip to Illinois to a local community college to tout proposals for increasing the federal government's expenditures on science education. Accompanied by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he visited an innovative program to retrain high school dropouts as medical technicians.

"Clearly the answer to America's health-care problems," stated the president, "is to cut costs wherever possible. Many of the more routine procedures in a doctor's office don't require a real understanding of the sciences behind them. It's not rocket science. It's more like factory or peace work. If it can be done cheaper, the hospitals and doctors offices will have more profits which will lead to better health care."

Senator Frist, a physician from Tennessee, praised the president's initiatives. "I always felt that the president was right on the mark when he described practicing medicine as "spreading love". The program that they have developed here will enable anyone to be able to spread their own love, freeing the doctor for more important things, such as practicing preventative medicine against the evils of abortion, birth control, and the epidemic of premarital sex. In turn, we will all be blessed by a decrease in the rate of sexually transmitted diseases."

The rigorous two week medical technician training program developed by the community college in Aurora offers high school dropouts intensive training in the mechanics of performing routine lab procedures such as gynecological exams. In addition, the trainees receive extensive instruction in the practice of abstinence as birth control.

The two-day visit to Illinois kicked off a concerted effort by the White House to surgically alter tragically failed policy initiatives and make them more presentable to the American public in the run-up to this fall's crucial election.

Democratic Senator John Kerry berated the administration for what he called continued attempts at "selling snake oil" to the American voter. "This is legislative malpractice of the highest order," stated Kerry, "it is nothing more than pseudoscientific "pap", and a "smear" on the integrity of the federal government."

Washington, DC (APE) - Close on the heels of the arrest of ex soldier Stephen D. Green last week in North Carolina, the Pentagon braced itself for the possibility of higher profile arrests. Late last night, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was clandestinely rendered by covert United Nations security personnel. UN sources stated that plans are for his extradition at the request of the fledgling government of Iraq to an undisclosed location, where he will be charged and tried for the overall rape and murder of Iraq.

The Bush administration refused comment on the breaking story, except to express outrage over what they termed a "political abduction".

The administration clearly appeared to have been blindsided by the arrest, as the president and a few key Cabinet members and advisers were attending a Washington Nationals baseball game last night. The group, comprised of the president, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and White House adviser Josh Bolton were maintaining a low-key attendance, until they were apparently informed of Rumsfeld's abduction. President Bush then appeared to choke on a nacho, but an alert secret serviceman quickly applied the Heimlich maneuver. The entire group left hurriedly moments later.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki was quoted as being very pleased that the United Nations had responded so quickly to his calls for an independent investigation. Earlier in the week, the fledgling government had reluctantly agreed to cooperate with US investigators, and plans were being made to exhume the remains of the 15 year-old girl that ex Pfc. Steven D. Green is accused of raping and murdering. Al-Maliki today stated that the new Iraqi government was pledging total cooperation with the United Nations investigation, and in defiance of Sharia Law, they were prepared to exhume the remains of over 250,000 Iraqis, if need be, to bolster the case against Rumsfeld.

In what might be termed a stunning combination blow to the administration, US Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton was rushed to the hospital late last night from the floor of the United Nations. Witnesses stated that he had just begun an angry diatribe against the United Nations over the abduction of Rumsfeld when he suddenly became silent and collapsed. Many speculated that he appeared to have ruptured an aneurysm in mid-rant. The White House is refusing comment this morning on the condition of Bolton, saying only that his level of stability remains unchanged.

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - "Pirates of the Potomac" re-opens this weekend in movie theatres across the nation. Starring Hollywood newcomer Georgie Inept, it tells the tale of a band of scurvy swashbuckling beltway insiders who mount a renewed quest for the legendary social security lockbox, or "nearly dead man's chest".

Inept reprises his role as Commander Jackass Chicken Hawk and succeeds in bringing the audience to it's knees in laughter and tears, with his portrayal as a dry-drunken bumbling buffoon in charge of a band of greedy misfits.

Commander Chicken Hawk and the crew of the Ghost Tanker Black Gold, on the occasion of the commander's sixtieth birthday, abandon their quest for oily riches, and instead attempt to plunder the mother lode of the legendary "Nearly Dead Man's Chest".

Hilarity and hi-jinx abound as the crew meets stiff resistance from a fortified and entrenched band of citizens determined to guard and preserve the lockbox for all times.

"Pirates of the Potomac" has been rated PG-13 for occasional profanity, and repeated instances of torture and violence.

Chicago, IL (Rotters) - A downtown Chicago restaurant, ironically named "The Firehouse", was briefly evacuated last night after President Bush's 60th birthday celebration nearly touched off a larger fire.

The president was attempting to blow out the candles on his birthday cake, presented by his chief political adviser Karl Rove, when a burst of flames erupted. No one was apparently injured during the incident, and fortunately the restaurant's sprinkler system was not activated.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow angrily denied that the president had been drinking a little bit to celebrate his birthday.

Chicago fire Department officials were dispatched to the scene of the incident. An anonymous spokesperson for the department joked that the city was fortunate to have been spared another disaster reminiscent of Mrs. O'Leary's cow. "I think that we're all very lucky that they hadn't actually tried to put 60 candles on the cake." The spokesperson refused to comment further as to the origins of the burst of flames saying only that there was some evidence of an accelerant being involved.

Outside of a few singed hairs, a White House spokesperson claimed that the president was unharmed.

The president is scheduled to kick off his newly revamped public relations working vacation tour during his two-day stay in Chicago. Called the "Bamboozle-Palooza Domestic Guerrilla Warfare Tour", aides have vowed that the president will wrest back control over the national debate with extended local stealth visits. The administration is gambling that the guerrilla PR attacks in multiple locations focusing on what a nice folksy guy the president is, will distract Americans from the deeds of the administration, and put them back in touch with the man that they elected.

07/05/06 North Korean missile Barrage Falls Silent, Charismatic Leader Slim Jong Il Missing

Seoul, South Korea (APE) - After a day of missile testing which saw a total of anywhere from seven to ten launches, depending upon accounts, Pyongyang has become suddenly silent amidst rumors that it's charismatic leader "Slim" Jong Il has gone missing. Formerly known as Kim Jong Il, he had recently given himself a state sanctioned name change to "Slim" after reportedly dieting and losing over 30 pounds through force of will alone. Rumors soared throughout Asia that Slim had surreptitiously boarded the last missile fired yesterday, the vaunted "Dung Ho" missile which is reportedly capable of reaching the continental United States. North Korean officials refused to comment on the allegations.

Authorities on North Korea have speculated that the barrage of missile launches may have been timed to coincide with America's Fourth of July festivities yesterday. Slim Jong Il, long a bitter enemy of the United States, is conversely noted for his love and appreciation for many things American including Whiskey and Cinema. He currently presides over a decades old multi-generational repressive regime in North Korea.

Unconfirmed eyewitness reports smuggled out from Pyongyang suggest that the dictator for life may have been attempting a defection to the United States. He reportedly addressed each flight engineer and technician by name, thanking them and smiling as he clambered aboard the Dung Ho. North Korean authorities vehemently denied the stories, stating that Slim would likely issue a statement regarding plans for future missile tests later in the day.

Bush Administration officials refused to comment or speculate until further information became available. In another possibly related development, the US State Department acknowledged that former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright has apparently inexplicably disappeared overnight.

07/04/06 A Fourth of July Tribute to our American Patriots and Floundering Fathers

"Having ... become a cripple in the service of Connecticut, I little expected to meet (such) ungrateful returns,"

"A democracy is nothing more than a gerrymander, where thirty-five percent of the people conspire to take away the rights of the other sixty-five."

07/03/06 Crack found in Discovery Foam Insulation, Bush Administration Vows Night Time Launch

Cape Canaveral, FL (Rotters) – Preflight inspectors found a five ounce bag of crack buried deep in the insulation foam covering the space shuttle Discovery's external fuel tank. It was uncertain whether this would jeopardize Discovery's planned July 4th launch.

The crack was discovered overnight during a prolonged inspection. The location made it easy to hide the crack, and mission planners felt that this was the reason it may have been previously overlooked.

"We don't know the extent of this problem," stated NASA spokesman George Diller, "But our engineers have had to deal with a lot of frustrations and long hours lately, so it's understandable how this could have arisen."

The Discovery's launch has been postponed twice this past week for "weather concerns". An internal email linked to Rotters revealed that on both occasions, the launch had been delayed by Bush officials who were insisting upon a night time launch for the Fourth of July.

Dick Cheney, appearing in Daytona, FL for an unrelated NASCAR event described the assertions of administration involvement as "preposterous". He expressed support and confidence in the judgment of the NASA ground crew. He stated, "I have every reason to believe these guys are going to come through for America, and it will be on the Fourth… this firecracker is going off if I have to light it myself."

07/01/06 Bush Presents Koizumi with Velvet Elvis as Gift after Visit to Graceland

Memphis, TN (APE) - President Bush concluded Japanese prime minister Junichiro Koizumi's visit to Graceland yesterday by presenting the Elvis fan with another piece of American iconoclastic culture, a huge "Velvet Elvis". Koizumi was moved by the president's gift, and described the likeness as "eerie". Bush and Koizumi, who shares a birthday with "the King", appeared to establish a real bond throughout the visit. Also on hand were Elvis' surviving relatives, wife Pricilla, and daughter Lisa Marie.

The visit was not without controversy, as a Japanese photographer, dressed for the occasion as an Elvis impersonator, began to shout pointed questions at Koizumi. He shouted repeatedly, "Mr. Prime Minister, what do you have to say after Japan has forced you to withdraw troops from the disastrous occupation of Iraq?!". The photographer was quickly wrestled to the ground and removed by secret service men. The prime minister, without missing a beat donned a pair of Elvis' actual sunglasses and broke into his own impersonation, singing, "Wise men say... only fools rush in..."

White House aide Karl Rove, who had arranged the entire taxpayer funded junket, branded the trip an overwhelming success. He stated, "We're telling America, and the whole world, that, in regards to Iraq, Elvis will never leave the building."

06/29/06 Brintney Threatens Harper's with Lawsuit after Nude Cover Bumped by Rice

New York (APE) - Teen idol Britney Spears threatened the publishers of Harper's Bazaar with a multi-million dollar lawsuit today when it was revealed that her controversial pregnant nude cover and spread was being bumped by a similar pictorial of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Harper's stated that it had never made a firm commitment to Spears and that the magazine had exercised its editorial rights to bring a story that would be of more interest to its readers.

"This is our fall shopping review issue," stated a Harper's editor, who wished to remain anonymous for legal reasons, "we felt that Ms. Rice would be a far better tie in with this theme. Condi had a much better story to tell, as well."

Rice, in a similar situation to Spears, will reportedly include nude photos of her first child, and elaborate upon the circumstances behind her now second pregnancy. Rice steadfastly refuses to reveal the identity of the father of the two children, citing national security concerns, but speaks at length about the rigors involved in successfully concealing her first pregnancy while maintaining a full time job.

In the issue, Rice describes her experiences on shopping in Europe under a tight budget with time constraints.

Rice was asked to comment upon how the controversial article and photo spread might reflect upon her position in the Bush Administration. She stated, "I pride myself as always being on top of things... at the same time, you try to plan carefully, but leaks happen. I really don't see how this will affect my abilities to continue to serve the President. I think that, as Americans, we should all just trust President Bush. If he says we're protected, then we're protected."

06/28/06 Kidman/Urban Secret Honeymoon Destination Discovered and Targeted by Lone Paparazzi

Baghdad, Iraq (O! Online) - Newlyweds Nicole Kidman and the Keith Urban had their secret honeymoon plans in the US military Green Zone in Baghdad dashed by a lone paparazzi. The couple had planned to show their international support for both Australian and American occupation forces by spending their honeymoon in the Green Zone. The couple was reportedly very frightened by the experience, hastily canceling the remainder of their honeymoon, and immediately flying to the island of Fiji according to Kidman's publicist.

Kidman's publicist went on to state that the couple originally felt it was important to be showing support for the Australian and American troops tasked with the unpopular prolonged occupation of Iraq, while not implicitly endorsing the original decision to go to war by both governments. She stated also that it was sad that the couple had to leave so quickly for their own safety. Kidman was reportedly very angered over continued assurances of improved security from the US government, and the arrangements made for the honeymoon through the State Department.

Kidman and Urban apparently became very shaken when an IED was set off by a lone paparazzi in order to elicit a reaction from the couple and snap a picture. No one was hurt during the explosion and a military photographer was able to capture a picture of the incident. Military authorities stated that the paparazzi was immediately caught and has been transported to Guantánamo Bay, Cuba for further interrogation. The military refused to release photos, or the identity or nationality of the unknown paparazzi, and expressed embarrassment over security lapses. They stated only that the paparazzi had managed to cleverly avoid discovery by disguising himself as an insurgent.

The US State Department expressed its regrets over the incident, and stated that they were looking into the possibility of a refund of the couple's reservations. A State Department representative stated that the prospects for a refund did not look good, however, in that it might send the wrong message to the public in regards to the burgeoning Baghdad Green Zone tourism industry.

Archconservative Grover Norquist has spearheaded the increasingly popular Green Zone junkets for celebrities and politicians alike. For recommended donations of $200,000 or more to his organization "Americans for Tax Reform", Norquist is able to facilitate arrangements through the Bush administration and the American occupational forces. Previously, interested parties had to also work through convicted felon Jack Abramoff, but Norquist has been able to successfully streamline the process.

Norquist stated, "You can imagine our disappointment last month when Brad and Angelina opted to have their baby in Namibia. Right up until the last minute I honestly thought we had a shot at them. It's really great when you see a young couple like the Urbans stand up and try to make a sacrifice. I'm very disappointed that it didn't work out better for them."

Norquist continued, "Our goal at some point is to have amount of the suggested donations drop to the point that any American or world citizen may be able to come to the Green Zone and see for themselves what we have accomplished. I just hope these isolated incidents of violence around Baghdad won't deter tourism and that they can be scrubbed up by the new government. I suppose you could consider the entire country of Iraq to be a giant post-Saddam bathtub with the Green Zone in Baghdad as the drain. It's only natural that all the dirt and scum would kind of accumulate and sometimes clog up the works there."

Kidman's publicist stated that the couple's honeymoon would likely be extended for another week in Fiji, in order that they might be able to better put the incident behind them. A planned visit by the couple to Australian neighbor East Timor has been cancelled.

06/27/06 Rush Limbaugh Broadcasts Live from Lock-up in Palm Beach County Florida

West Palm Beach , FL (APE) - Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh was detained tonight by US Customs officials for possessing prescription drugs without a legitimate prescription. Limbaugh was found to be carrying a number of medications, including Viagra, which he insisted was not for his own personal use. Limbaugh was returning from a trip to the Dominican Republic when he was detained.

Authorities described Limbaugh as very cooperative throughout and as such allowed him to conduct his regularly scheduled talk show from lock-up. Hundreds of loyal "ditto heads" phoned in with pledges of cash, netting almost $200 for the evening. While Limbaugh was unable to make bail, he was released anyway.

The highlight of the evening was when Limgbaugh insisted that a particular caller was in reality a Mr. Mike Stark, and he accused him of setting him up for the arrest. Limbaugh insisted that the sheriff's department contact Fox security and have the caller investigated.

Limbaugh described his experience for his listeners as "Very realistic". He cited TV's "Law and Order" as being a fairly accurate portrayal of what happens to celebrities who become chronic substance abusers.

Limbaugh's characteristic cigar was absent, and he stated that it had been confiscated along with the Viagra. He urged listeners not to interpret anything into this, saying, "Sometimes a cigar really IS just a cigar, and the Viagra isn't really mine."

06/26/06 Flag Burning Amendment Debate Halted after Flag Spontaneously Combusts on Senate Floor

Washington, DC (Rotters) – Senate Majority leader Bill Frist was slightly injured today as an American flag spontaneously combusted behind him on the floor of the senate this morning. Frist suffered singed eyebrows and what were described as minor first degree burns to the face. Visibly shaken, he was treated at the scene for his injuries and not transported to the hospital.

The senate was immediately cleared as Capitol Police brought in fire inspectors to investigate the strange incident.

The senate was in the midst of a hotly contested debate over a controversial amendment to the constitution on flag burning, that senator Frist had vowed to bring to a vote by weeks end.

Some witnesses reported a distinct aroma of jingoism in the air minutes before the fire, and inspectors stated that they couldn't rule this out as a contributing factor.

Frist afterwards accused his opponents across the isle of yet another dangerous and futile political stunt. Democrats protested their innocence as fire inspectors stated that the fire at this point had no evidence of being intentionally set and appeared almost to be an act of self immolation.

Democratic Minority leader Harry Reid commented, "It is interesting that our honored colleagues are quite comfortable with all manner of personification when it comes to our nation's flag… and yet when one appears to make the ultimate sacrifice in protest, they suddenly have problems believing."

06/25/06 Norquist Scalped Over $1.5 Million from Tribes in Abramoff Republican Influence Peddling Scandal

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Political Activist Grover Norquist was released from Walter Reed Hospital today after being admitted late Friday evening, the victim of a horrific assault. Hospital authorities refused to comment on the extent of Mr. Norquist's injuries except to say that he is apparently the first victim of a scalping in over 100 years of American history. Outside of a few cuts and bruises, Norquist was apparently uninjured, and his head merely shaved against his will rather than the scalp cut off and removed.

Police authorities, quoting from a report filed after the incident, stated that Norquist was apparently briefly abducted after appearing at a $100,000 a plate republican fund raiser in Washington Friday evening. Norquist was unable to accurately describe the five assailants saying only that they appeared to him to be of Native American heritage. A police spokesperson described the investigation thus far as a nightmare, given the number of Native American tribes who might now wish harm upon Norquist.

Norquist, and his "Americans for Tax Reform" group were implicated in fleecing various Native American tribes to the tune of $1.5 million in over 1000 pages of Email transcripts released to the press this week. Norquist appeared to have worked in conjunction with longtime friend Jack Abramoff, and was handsomely rewarded for his efforts in securing "face time" with President Bush and his chief political advisor Karl Rove. Abramoff has already plead guilty to charges of bribery in connection to the massive republican influence peddling scandal.

Hospital authorities stated that they held Mr. Norquist overnight out of concerns for his mental status at the time, but experts established over 24 hours that he was at baseline. Norquist was released with instructions to sit in a warm bath to facilitate healing from his injuries.

Norquist has vowed to see that those responsible for his assault be brought to justice. An outpouring of sympathy from the Bush administration was apparent as President Bush pledged the full support of his illegal wiretapping and financial data-mining programs in the ongoing investigation. Ann Coulter has offered her favorite Louisville Slugger to Norquist for his personal defense, and has offered some of her own hair until his grows back.

Washington, DC (APE) - Al Jazeera today released a videotape, reportedly from Al-Qaeda second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri, in which he disavows any association with the group of amateur terrorists arrested earlier this week in Miami, FL. He further went on to chastise the US Government and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales in particular for failing to listen to repeated warnings from Al-Qaeda in regards to the existence of the group. Zawahiri stated, "We sent them phone numbers that they had tried to use to contact us, bank accounts for which they had requested money be sent to. We even suggested that they interview Richard Reid, because we had knowledge that these men had tried to contact him in prison... but they refused to act. We must assume that this has been a deliberate propaganda attempt at smearing the reputation of Al-Qaeda."

The North Miami area is still abuzz with the news, and the small warehouse that the group used remains cordoned off by police.

"You could tell that they were a little weird," said a neighborhood resident who wished to remain anonymous, "They always acted real secretive... and they had these slogans like... "Never talk about terror club" and, "What happens in terror club, stays in terror club". Pretty much everybody thought they were just stupid and kind of harmless. But I know for a fact that they were reported to the police a bunch of times."

Lawyers for the accused today petitioned the court to allow independent psychiatric evaluations to assess each for competency to stand trial, but this was vigorously opposed by the Federal Government's lawyers.

Among the accusations facing the men are the government's contention that they attempted to buy quantities of ammonium nitrate and guns. Defense counsel today insisted that the chemicals were merely being used in the manufacture of homemade soap, which the group sold as a way to raise funds.

Critics have claimed that the timing of the arrests were quite suspicious in that they appeared to be an effort at bolstering support for the flagging public opinion of both President Bush and the war in Iraq. The group had been followed since early December and rapidly deemed to be a minimal threat when they attempted to buy a used nuclear weapon from an FBI undercover agent.

The Department of Justice denied any political motivation in the timing of the arrests and furthermore denied any attempts at contact by al-Zawahiri and al-Qaeda. They instead praised a combination of controversial covert wiretapping and financial tracking programs with credit for the apprehensions.

06/22/06 Senators Santorum and Lieberman Produce Iraqi Mustard Canister for Disbelieving Press

Washington, DC (Rotters) - After being rebuffed by the press yesterday for disclosing a two-month old report on the Army's continued destruction of deteriorated pre-1991 munitions containing evidence of mustard gas and sarin, Pennsylvania Republican Senator Rick Santorum accompanied by Connecticut Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman, as a sign of bipartisan support, produced one of the actual recovered canisters at a follow up press conference this morning. Santorum and Lieberman went on to reiterate that this was clearly evidence of the existence of weapons of mass destruction prior to the invasion of Iraq, therefore justifying the Bush administration's actions.

"We have also clearly been able to discern that there was indeed a French connection involved in Saddam Hussein's WMD development program after all." stated Santorum. "We must support the president and our troops on the ground until their original mission is fulfilled and all of Iraq is free from the threat of mustard gas and saffron."

"There is a story circulating that these canisters are largely empty or that the contents are no longer potent and long since expired," stated Senator Lieberman. "This is a dangerous assumption to be making. As you can see, on this particular canister, it is clearly marked that the contents will remain potent through 2008."

"We have further evidence," continued Santorum," that the insurgency in Iraq has been clandestinely hording stockpiles in refrigerated devices throughout the country, perhaps waiting for the right moment to spring a lethal trap. Our independent investigators have also concluded that this particular type of mustard as it deteriorates actually produces a far more noxious compound than the original."

The White House refused comment on Santorum and Lieberman's presentation, stating only that it relished the support from the two. White House sources stated that the president may have something to say on the issue after his return from Europe later today, but for now they were merely playing catsup on the story.

Critics immediately blasted Santorum and accused him of hot dogging for the press. Liberal blogs across the Internet seized upon Lieberman's support for the story and began referring to him as "Joe Condimentum" in anger and frustration.

Vienna, Austria (APE) - US secretary of state Condoleezza Rice, accompanying President Bush on a diplomatic trip to Austria and the European Union, today announced a successful real world activation of the United States' highly secret Star Wars antimissile system. Administration officials praised the systems effectiveness and accuracy, stating that they were able to intercept North Korea's controversial Taepodong-2 ballistic missile during its most vulnerable pre-launch refueling stage. The Pentagon described the technological feat as being "surgical", with the missile being completely destroyed.

"How appropriate that we are speaking today in Austria, the birthplace of a movement," stated Rice. "Let this serve as a warning to Iran as well that nuclear proliferation will not be tolerated. The axis of evil will be disassembled one way or another. This is a great victory for the CIA and NSA's newly revamped intelligence gathering abilities."

The Pentagon remained close-lipped about the computer technology involved in being able to track a provocative target even before it begins moving, but stated that the successful deployment had exceeded their wildest expectations.

White House press secretary Tony Snow stated that the administration expected some fall-out worldwide over the successful deployment, but stated that President Bush remained firm in his convictions.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was reached for comment afterwards but had difficulty in responding to the news initially, secondary to an unexplained atmospheric electromagnetic disruption combined with a massive power outage. In a garbled transmission, Kim appeared to figuratively accuse President Bush of having an addiction to the prescription drug Viagra along with a case of chronic premature ejaculation.

Through earthly warming smog I see
Divisions all with things for me
The planes have all propelled my spree
We've atomized all I can see...