2006 ARCHIVE

 

 

12/29/06 SADDAM MISSING!!

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - Amidst wild speculation over the fate of former dictator Saddam Hussein, US forces in Iraq reluctantly admitted today that they are now not certain over whether Hussein remains in their custody or not. Rumors erupted yesterday in regards to the possible execution by hanging of Hussein as early as this weekend, with reports that he had been turned over to Iraqi government authorities, and that his personal effects had been given to his lawyer, Khalil al-Dulaimi. Both Iraqi and American authorities denied this series of events today, and when US forces early this morning checked on the status of their most famous prisoner, doubts then arose as to his authenticity.

In a convoluted plot reminiscent of a Hollywood blockbuster, it now appears that Hussein's lawyer, al-Dulaimi,  may have switched places with his client who was spirited away and disappeared into the streets of Baghdad early this morning. A spokesperson for the US occupation forces refused further comment, stating only that the man that they now had in custody was refusing to talk or cooperate. Concerns had been expressed over the number of body doubles of Hussein that apparently remained at large since the start of the war in 2003, and this morning pundits worst fears appeared to be realized.

A spokesperson for the White House refused to comment on the story, other than to say that the president remained apprised of the situation, and continues to work with Cabinet members in Crawford, Texas on putting the final touches on his new Iraq strategy.  A spokesperson stated that the president's anticipated announcement of the new plan may be delayed pending resolution of the execution of Saddam. White House legal counsel was reportedly looking into the possibility of proceeding with the execution of the individual currently in custody in Iraq.

In a related story some of the former dictator's personal effects reportedly appeared today up for bid on eBay. Bids began trickling in for Saddam's personal copy of the Koran, as well as a prayer rug, a poster of Lara and Jenna Bush, and well-worn pair of BVDs. A bid of $40,000 was the highest placed for the underwear, with the poster of the Bush twins at $25,000.

 

12/28/06 Bush Administration Places Polar Bear on Enabled Species List

Washington, DC (UPSI) - The Bush Administration today announced, after much deliberation, that it had decided to place the polar bear on its new "Enabled Species List". The polar bear would become the first such animal listed under the administration's revamping of the Endangered Species Act. Under its new designation as an "enabled species" the polar bear has essentially been adopted, through an agreement with the Bush administration, by Atlanta-based corporate giant Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola will be charged with helping to facilitate the polar bear's successful adaptation to its rapidly changing environment.

Coca-Cola CEO, E. Neville Isdell stated that the company was proud to step forward and become involved in the administration's pilot program.  "We owe a lot to these big fellas over the years," stated Isdell, "The annual Christmas campaigns featuring them have been some of the most successful advertisements in marketing history. We're happy that we're now able to give a little back."

Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne steadfastly denied that the concession over listing of the polar bear would in any way signal the administration's possible recognition of the effects of increasing greenhouse gases. He did, however, reveal that some of the language of the sponsorship agreement reached with Coca-Cola entitled the company to an undisclosed, yet substantial amount of what are described as future CO2 credits linked to their carbonation and bottling processes.

"We're excited about the future for polar bears, and the ways in which we can enable them to take advantage of their changing environment," stated Kempthorne. "They're natural swimmers, with a true love of the water.  Coca-Cola will be working closely with government funded scientists to intelligently design a new breed of polar bear capable of conducting their essential life cycle activities in a purely aquatic environment."

"Our customers will automatically become involved with the adaptation of the polar bear," stated CEO Isdell. "For every purchase of one of our products, Coca-Cola will automatically access available donated funding towards reducing carbon footprints, which will be put towards selective breeding programs for strong swimmers. In addition, there are exploratory studies underway in which 2 L plastic containers can be recycled and combined in masses to serve as floating replacements for the diminishing sea ice, providing brief rest areas for the newer, more aquatic bears."

Isdell encouraged consumers to support the Enabled Species Act through their purchases of Coca-Cola products. "This is an awfully big carbon footprint that we're attempting to fill, and were going to need everybody's shoes to get the job done," concluded Isdell.

 

12/26/06 Defiant Bush Hits After-Christmas Sales

Washington, DC (APE) - In an apparent attempt to lead by example President Bush today was seen making the rounds of after Christmas sales at a couple of very busy rural Virginia outlet malls. In a controversial end of the year press conference at the White House last week the president had encouraged all Americans to go shopping, stressing the need for continued improvement of the economy. Businesses nationwide are literally praying that brisk after Christmas sales may simulate what has been thus far a mediocre year for retail sales.

"I encourage you all to do your patriotic duty and get out there and mix it up," stated Bush, "there are some real bargains to be had, and you'll be supporting our troops in the war on terror by showing the terrorist killers that they can't stop our way of life."

The White House remained secretive in regards to the president's purchases, but the Secret Service in attendance was noted to be helping out by carrying a number of articles of clothing.  Witnesses also say that the president spent a lot of time in a boating and fishing outlet store before speeding away in the presidential motorcade.

Fellow shoppers appeared to take the presidential visit in stride, although a number of angry customers complained of being pushed out of popular stores by the president's security contingent.

"I had my heart set on a new "Surfmate" fishing rig for my truck," said Beaufort Hunsacker, 45, of Virginia Beach, Virginia.  "Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World had it for 50% off, so I made the trip all the way from Virginia Beach this morning. I got to the store early this morning and almost had one in my hands, and all of a sudden I got tackled from behind, and this Secret Service guy is telling me to relax and stop struggling... after the pepper spray I couldn't really see anything else that happened. The "Surfmate" was gone after they let me go."

The White House confirmed that there was a minor altercation at one of the stores the president visited, but insisted that the president was in no danger at any time.  They confirmed that Mr. Hunsacker was released after it was determined that he represented no threat to the president.

The president reportedly will be leaving Camp David later this evening with plans for a brief fishing/working vacation at an undisclosed location prior to the new year.

 

 

12/25/06 Bush Sends Christmas Greetings to Troops by Phone

Washington, DC (Rotters) - After an exhaustive search of over 200,000 troops serving in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other overseas locations the Pentagon was able to locate a handful of servicemen and women who were willing to talk with the president and receive his Christmas greetings to them. The president spoke in a conference call via phone from Camp David, Maryland, dressed as Santa to mark the occasion. The following are highlights of his inspirational messages to the troops:

President: "Merry Christmas everybody! What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas? Heh, heh... how's your morale?"

PFC Elwood Jones (USMC, Anbar province, Iraq): "Who is this? This is a joke, right... this isn't funny, you guys... I'm supposed to be off duty tonight..."

SPC Kelly Harwood (USA reserves, Green Zone, Baghdad): "Me? I just want to come home for Christmas..."

President: "Heh, heh... lots of times children want things that are unrealistic or not really good for them... it's Santa's job to sort of decide for them what's best... I just want to thank you all for the outstanding job you're doing for your country. I know it's a tough call, but the American people sent me a pretty clear mandate in November that we should stay in Iraq and Afghanistan until the job's done, and pretty soon we'll be sending you some fresh meat... heh, heh... a few more boots on the ground to help out."

LT Daniel Levitan (USArmy Special Forces, Kandahar, Afghanistan): "I just want a surge protector..."

PFC Alvin Seville (USMC, Camp Liberty, Baghdad): "Morales?!? How's Morales?!? Morales bought it yesterday, you sick f***!.... They had us patrolling in those stupid Santa outfits... that white trim is an easy target in the middle of the night... who's bright f****** idea was that? Morales was going home next month and now he's gone..."

President: "Morale is important... it's a good thing... it makes you feel good.  It's sort of like armor... it protects you... ya'll need to know that you're going to get the best morale that money can buy..."

Lt Levitan: "INCOMING....!!!"

President: "Did everybody get the fruitcakes we sent...?"

SPC Harwood: "Our unit pooled all of ours and used them to protect the latrine... the other night Captain Fraggins was saved when they stopped a mortar..."

PFC Jones: "This is for real...? That's the Chimp on the line...? I don't care, somebody's makin' this time up for me..."

SPC Harwood: "... I talked to a guy the other day with EOD... he says they've been using them to blow up IEDs that they find..."

President: "Outstanding! Adapt and improvisation... Any messages you'd like to forward to your families...?

Lt Levitan: "I'm hit!!!.... Everything' s going black... oh sweet Jesus... "

President: [sniffling, and wiping a tear from his eye] "That is just so touching... here's a young man half-way around the world fighting for his country who shows us all what Christmas is all about... it's all about Jesus... and sacrifice... and being crucified... Best of luck to you son, maybe we'll be seeing you stateside really soon...  I hope everybody got a chance to meet with my new point man Gates last week, and give him some of your thoughts... he's got some great ideas about how to improve our operating systems in Iraq..."

PFC Seville: "Bill Gates is in charge now?!? What the f***... ?!? It's not like the insurgents weren't hacking into the local police and the Iraqi Army with Rumsfeld in charge... but now we've got to upgrade to Windows Vista... ?!?"

PFC Jones: "Tell my mom and dad to call our senator and get us all out of this frackin' hell hole now!"

President: "Heh, heh... looks like I've got one more for the naughty list... America will thank me someday for those little lumps of American coal in their stocking if we leave before the job's done and the oil dries up... Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukah from the proud citizens of the United States of America."

CPT Karl Roverton (USA PSYOPS, Undisclosed Location): "I want to personally sum up the thoughts of all the brave fighting men and women around the world in the US armed services, and personally thank you for all your vision for the future and commitment to peace and Democracy for the world through superior firepower... God bless you Mr. President."

President: "Thanks, Karl."

The White House issued a statement praising the morale of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, insisting that it was far from dead. A spokesperson stated that Mr. Bush would be having a working celebration of Christmas at Camp David with family, friends, and cabinet members. He is expected to put finishing touches to his highly anticipated "Way Forward" strategy for Iraq after close consultations with Barney, Mrs. Beasley, and first lady Laura Bush.

 

 

12/22/06 Mexican Troops Killed Fighting Hybrid Marijuana Plant

Lazaro Cárdenas, Mexico (APE) - Three Mexican soldiers were killed early yesterday while attempting to eradicate an apparently new resistant hybrid cultivar of marijuana called "Cannabis Sativa-Audrey". The three soldiers names were not released pending notification of their relatives. They were all among a group of soldiers who were transported aboard helicopter gunships into the remote western state of Michoacan as part of new Mexican president Felipe Calderon's expanded war on drugs.

The new plants now referred to as "Audreys" mature and propagate at an alarming rate, and seem to have stemmed from one common root system which has thus far been resistant to all pesticides, fire, and nuclear irradiation.  United States DEA sources fear the possibility of this new highly potent form of marijuana literally creeping across the border by sometime next summer if it is not halted.

Mexican Army General Manuel Garcia spoke with reporters allowed to accompany the raid. "These plants really took us by surprise, and my profound sorrow goes out to the families of the three brave men who died today fighting them," said Garcia. "We had been responding to stories in this area of missing American DEA agents and farm animals and had assumed it had been as a result of drug traffickers, and now we have our answer."

Horticulturists were at a loss to explain how the incredibly adaptive hybridization of Cannabis Sativa-Audrey had been engineered. Some speculated a three way cross with kudzu, marijuana, and venus flytrap,  but most agreed that the aggressivity and rapid self-pollenization of the plant was likely aided by swarms of killer bees which continue their inexorable march to the US border. Initial analysis of the THC content of the new plant revealed a potency far surpassing anything achieved to date in the US.

"For each Audrey that you are able to seemingly kill off hundreds of others crop up from the tendrils and rootlets left in the ground," said Garcia.  "This is a disturbing development.  In the past, drug cartels spent lots of money in order to secure and hide away their fields, but the Audrey removes that need.  Traffickers have developed an almost symbiotic relationship with the plant. It seems to enjoy and prosper from frequent pruning of its highly potent leaves and an occasional blood meal."

"We are determined to shut down delinquency and stop crime in Mexico because it is endangering the lives of all Mexicans, of our families," said President Filipe Calderon. "With this new plant, unfortunately, we are neither winning nor losing the war on drugs."

 

12/22/06 Representative Goode Elaborates on Anti-Koran Message in Minneapolis

Minneapolis, MN (Rotters) - Representatives Virgil Goode (R-VA) today sought to elaborate on his controversial statements in regards to using the Koran to swear in recently elected Muslim representative Keith Ellison (D-MN) by journeying to the newly elected representative's home state of Minnesota.  In a speech delivered at the county courthouse steps in Minneapolis to a small but enthusiastic throng of supporters, Goode again refused to apologize for his statements issued in a letter to constituents in his home state of Virginia.

"I am simply saying that America is full right now," stated Goode.   "There is a very delicate racial, religious, and economic balance in this country, and we don't need to be inadvertently tipping the scales by advocating for wrongheaded immigration policies which will ultimately take jobs away from Americans.  I have nothing against Representative Ellison and his ability to practice whatever religion he likes behind closed doors, but I cannot stand by idly and watch as a symbolic gesture emboldens terrorists and puts America in danger. My constituents understand this, and if I didn't make this stand, there might very well be a Lynch mob waiting for ME back home in my district."

Many critics have compared Goode's seeming gaffe to that of fellow Virginian Senator George Allen's famous "Macaca" statement which possibly cost him the midterm election in November. Curiously, with no ongoing election, there does not appear to be a growing groundswell of criticism of Goode's remarks, however.

After his speech to supporters in Minneapolis, Goode was asked by reporters to comment on the similarities between his position on Ellison's use of the Koran and Allen's Macaca incident.

"No comparison." stated Goode. "While I have the greatest respect for Senator Allen, I feel he was the victim of his own imprecise language. If he wanted to call the young gentleman a monkey, he should have just called him a monkey... people would know what he meant. You don't see me referring to Representative Ellison as a "towel head" do you? There are many fine, upstanding and God fearing Arab-Americans who shouldn't be tainted by Mr. Ellison's behavior."

When it was pointed out to representative Goode by reporters that Keith Ellison was an African American born and raised in Detroit, Michigan who later converted to Islam, Goode simply responded, "whatever."

 

12/18/06 Barbie and TMX Elmo Insulted by Hot New Christmas Toy : Boratz

New York, NY (APE) - In a breathtaking last-minute surge, the new toy "Boratz" appears to be the hottest item for kids under the Christmas tree this year.  Stores have sold out nationwide, with fist fights actually breaking out amongst customers for the few remaining insult dolls. Boratz manufacturer, MGA, appears to have successfully married the popular movie character to the ever elusive six to 12-year-old market, creating the must-have toy for kids this year.

With animatronic antics and speech rivaling TMX Elmo, the $50 Boratz has also raised eyebrows of parents and advocacy groups alike by bringing racism, chauvinism, and various other isms straight into the homes of impressionable children. At the push of a button, Boratz offers thinly veiled and suggestive insults to other toys, followed by a resounding "thumbs up" by the doll. As an example, when placed near a Barbie or a Ken and activated, the anatomically correct Boratz might offer, "What has happened to your pee pee?!"

In another stroke of marketing genius, MGA also elected not to include Boratz' trademark accessory, the yellow, over the shoulder slingshot thong.  This is being sold as an accessory and apparently is in even more short supply than the doll itself.

EBay accounts have sprung up over the weekend with apparent offers of over $1000 in some cases for the doll.  There is apparently one eBay member offering to swap even for the doll with a brand-new PlayStation 2.  A fistfight broke out this weekend in a Toys "R" Us in Seattle, but it was not immediately apparent if it was over the last Boratz doll on display, or something that the doll itself might have said.

 

12/15/06 US Army Calls Up 3.2 Million Wii Controllers Recalled by Nintendo

Tokyo, Japan (Rotters) - A spokesperson for outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today announced that the Pentagon had reached an agreement with Nintendo Inc. to purchase the 3.2 million controversial Wii controllers currently being recalled by the video game manufacturer. Monetary figures in regards to the deal were deemed classified and not released to the press. The secretary of defense spokesperson praised the 11th hour agreement, stating that it came just in time before closer scrutiny of the war budget begins under a Democratic led Congress in January.

The Army apparently became interested very early on as reports of the accidental mayhem attributed to the controllers began surfacing in the press. After considerable development, Pentagon authorities claim that the Wii will be reborn as a deadly multifunction combat device.

"We were impressed with the natural ergonomics and physics involved with the device," stated an anonymous Pentagon source. "Simplicity is always best. The breakaway wrist strap is pure genius... it harkens back to the effectiveness of the sling. Penetration is vastly enhanced as compared to the soldier just attempting to toss, say, a grenade."

"Today's young GIs know their way around a game controller, so this is a natural fit for the modern army," continued the Pentagon source. "The new Wii will serve as a remote detection and detonation device in our ongoing war against IED's. In a pinch, with motion detected activation, it can also serve as a penetrating explosive device. We view it as a sort of modern day marriage of the bayonet to the hand grenade. If the need arises, a depleted uranium model with launcher is also on the drawing board."

Nintendo Co. President Satoru Iwata said that he was pleased that the company would be able to make a small contribution in the global war on terror, and stated that talks were underway to possibly reinstate Japan's commitment of peacekeeping troops to Iraq, having them serve as technical advisers for the new device. Iwata further assured customers that production would be significantly increased to address Christmas demands for the new gaming machine. He further stressed that a multi-tiered quality control process would assure that there would be no accidental release of the military device with children's game systems.

 

12/14/06 Mel Gibson Expelled from Iranian Anti-Holocaust Conference, Briefly Detained by Ahmadinejad

Tehran, Iran (APE) - Australian actor/director Mel Gibson was briefly detained and then expelled yesterday after an outburst at Iran's controversial international anti-Holocaust conference. Gibson had been welcomed to the conference by the country's anti-Israeli President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and was considered a prized contributor along with former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke. Gibson was observed to be polite and respectful throughout the conference, appearing with Ahmadinejad and others, but when it came time for his presentation, he began railing against those present, insisting that they were all willfully delusional, and that the Holocaust had indeed occurred. At that point, a fistfight broke out between Gibson and an enraged Duke, and both were quickly separated and removed from the center stage.

Gibson became engulfed in controversy surrounding a DUI arrest earlier this year, during which, in a drunken rage, he hurled anti-Semitic invectives against the arresting officers.  Gibson subsequently entered alcohol rehab and maintains that he has been clean since his discharge.  Gibson has publicly apologized repeatedly for this behavior, and his publicist stated that Gibson's appearance at the conference yesterday was apparently something that he felt passionately about doing to further make amends.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reportedly had Gibson detained briefly after the incident, but he was released and expelled from the country later the same day.

"This is the hand of Bush and the Israelis," stated Ahmadinejad to Al Jazeera reporters. "We have elected to release Mr. Gibson and expose his connections with Mossad and the CIA for the world to see.  Everyone will now see the lengths to which Israel is willing to go to suppress Islam."

David Duke reportedly remained hospitalized in Tehran, and authorities there refused to disclose details in regards to his injuries.

A Louisiana Klan spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated that a fatwa had been issued throughout the organization in regards to Gibson, and suggested that the actor/director would do well to remain in Australia.

 

12/13/06 It's a Horrible Lie

CLICK HERE TO SEE "It's A Horrible Lie"!

 

12/12/06 Bush Reaches out to Media Figures for Opinions on "New Way Forward"

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush today continued his quest for input into a resolution of the unpopular Iraq war by broadening his outreach to national news and opinion media figures.  Bush hosted a roundtable discussion of the Iraq study group's recommendations with Cabinet members and featured experts Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly.  The meeting was described by White House staffers as "jovial" and "very productive".

Administration critic Ann Coulter was also invited, but was unable to attend, according to her publicist, as she was scheduled to make a lower court appearance today in order to enter a plea in regards to voter fraud charges leveled against her.

"It's important that the American people be aware both of his consultations and our level of concern about making him appear right," stated press secretary Tony Snow.

"I don't think the president is necessarily looking for the right answer," said Republican strategist Ron Kaufman.  "He's looking for a miracle... the miracle of a stable democracy for the people of Iraq. If some radio talk show host or television pundit can help postpone or stall the impending "final solution" in Iraq, then the president has made a good decision."

The meeting with Limbaugh and O'Reilly was said to be very relaxed and "convivial" in contrast to the gravity of the subject matter  according to White House sources. O'Reilly took the opportunity to present Limbaugh with an Andrea Mackris autographed cigar, which he promptly lit and smoked throughout the meeting. "I think this is the first cigar that's been in the White House since the Clintons left," quipped the president, "or at least since Bandar came by after 9/11."

The White House remained closed lipped in regards to the specifics of O'Reilly's and Limbaugh's recommendations, but stated that the president felt cheered by the advice given and valued the important fairness and balance given to the harsher and more specific recommendations of the Baker/Hamilton Iraq Study Group Report.

"Like 19% of Americans, this administration is convinced that we will succeed in Iraq," Bush said after the briefing, "There's no need for the fat lady to be singing over spilled milk just yet."

 

12/11/06 Rumsfeld Joins Iraqi President Talabani in Rejection of Iraq Study Group Recommendations

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - Former Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld joined embattled Iraqi President Jalal Talabani yesterday in declaring the recent Iraq Study Group recommendations "an insult to the people of Iraq." "It is not respecting the desire of the Iraqi people to control its army and to be able to re-arm and train Iraqi forces under the leadership of the Iraqi government," stated Talabani. "The consequences of failure are unacceptable," stated Rumsfeld at a combined press conference, "the enemy must be defeated."

"I believe that President George Bush is a brave and committed man and he is adamant to support the Iraqi government until they've reached success," said Talabani.

Rumsfeld went on to announce that out of the president's sense of commitment, he would be remaining in Iraq, and working closely with the fledgling government to ensure its success. He also stated that there were some small points of agreement in regards to the study group's recommendations that might possibly be implemented by the Bush/Talabani administration. One controversial suggestion in particular was the immediate initiation of talks with warring factions within the country. "You nation build with the guerrilla fighters that you have, and not necessarily the ones that you'd like to have," stated Rumsfeld. "It's important to note that one man's insurgent might be another man's detergent."

Rumsfeld will reportedly be appointed as an interim secretary of defense for Iraq, overseeing the development of its armed forces.  Rumsfeld vowed to bring his concept of a lean, fast, and efficient strikeforce to the Iraqi army. Rumsfeld has pioneered the art of warfare without essential armor and protection, training for which the Iraqi Army and police are in desperate need.

Rumsfeld also took the opportunity to bid farewell to US troops stationed in Iraq. Visiting 1200 soldiers and Marines at al-Assad, he stated, "for the past six years, I've had the opportunity and, I would say, the privilege to serve with the greatest military on the face of the earth... and I look forward to creating the same for the Iraqi people."

 

12/08/06 Bush Meets with Blair, Pledges to "Stay the Way Forward"

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a combined press conference yesterday with British counterpart Tony Blair, President Bush bristled at Blair's and reporter's insistence on adherence to the recently published Iraq Study Group (ISG) report. Blair expressed his willingness to not indulge in a "salad bar" acceptance of the recommendations, insisting that the British would be more than willing to clean their plates and come back for seconds.

Bush became momentarily angered by a BBC reporter, who offered that the president's language indicated that he was still entrenched in denial,  in regards to the growing catastrophe in Iraq.  Bush gestured to the reporter, and insisted that he needed to be more "flexible and realistic" in his assessment.  He gestured repeatedly as he described what would be the consequences to his administration if he admitted to its failure to stabilize Iraq, insisting that the future of the Republican Party would be put at risk.

Bush insisted that he would be waiting upon the results of other reports including one from the National Security Council which might offer more favorable assessments and approaches consistent with his administration's views. He insisted that the sense of urgency in regards to the growing civil war in Iraq was highly partisan, and politically motivated. "We've got plenty of time," stated Bush, "and this administration is determined to stay the way forward in Iraq."

Bush again angrily gestured at a BBC reporter, when it was pointed out to him that another meaning for the word "stay" could be to "halt" or "stop".

"Stay means what I decide it means," concluded Bush as he angrily left the podium.

The White House offered no apologies for the president's remarks, and insisted that all bets were off as to how the president would play his hand over the ISG recommendations.  With political stakes rising, the White House appeared to be willing to "stay" at this point.

 

12/07/06 GONE WITH THE SPIN

Title Screen: There was a land of Profiteers and Oil Fields called the New South... Here in this petty world, Fealty killed its last sow... Here was the last ever to be seen of individual rights and their basest scares, of disasters that would enslave... Look for it only in neo-con texts, for it is no more than a scheme dismembered. A Machination gone with the spin...

CLICK HERE TO BE TRANSPORTED TO THE TERROR PLANTATION!

 

12/06/06 Bush Administration Supports NASA Moon Landing, Denies Desire for Hardened Bases on Moon

Cape Kennedy, FL (APE) - One day after NASA announced ambitious plans to return to the moon by 2020, the Bush administration expressed total support for the project. An administration spokesperson stated that as a result of the Baker commission report they would be seeking to expand the war on terror to address potential American targets and interests on the moon, but steadfastly denied rumors the administration would be seeking to install "hardened bases" on the moon.

Citing the universal importance of the crescent moon symbol to Muslims worldwide, an administration spokesperson stated that it was "highly likely" that Al-Qaeda would attempt to transplant its brand of radical Islam to the stars, and that the moon represented the perfect stepping stone. "It's only a matter of time before they have nuclear capability," said the anonymous spokesperson, "and the moon represents an irresistible launch platform for earthly as well as lunar targets. It's the equivalent of the insurgent who drops an IED onto a convoy from the highway overpass... difficult to detect and defend."

White House plans initially envisioned a military/security crewmember to accompany each mission in the establishment of a manned base on the moon, with future missions designed to promote a separate and independent military base. The military would then withdraw its forces as NASA personnel became trained and better able to provide their own security. The White House denied that it was seeking a permanent military presence on the moon, but stated that secret talks were underway with all the former signatories to the Peaceful Use of Outer Space Committee to address language in the pact that it found too restrictive.

"The moon is too strategically important to be allowed to fall into the hands of terrorists," said the White House spokesperson. "This is precisely "the way forward" in the war on terror that the president has been looking for."

 

12/05/06 Cheney Joins Rumsfeld, Bolton in Resignation, Bush Announces Miers as First Woman VP

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a hurried press conference early this morning, a tearful and angry George Bush announced that he had late last night regretfully accepted the resignation of Vice President Dick Cheney. He introduced his personal lawyer, and failed Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Myers as his selection to replace Mr. Cheney. Pending approval of Congress, Myers would become the first woman vice president in US history.

Cheney's resignation comes in a tumultuous week for the Bush administration on the heels of last month's resignation of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and yesterday's resignation of United Nations Ambassador John Bolton, both long-standing touchstones of controversy for the president.

The White House refused to comment on the motivations for the vice president's resignation, stating only that the vice president felt that "the time was right" to do so. An anonymous White House spokesperson suggested that there would likely be a leaked memo from the vice president in the next few days that could possibly shed some light on the president's motivations.

Rumors immediately began circulating over the possible resignation of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice who was reportedly enraged over the appointment of Miers, feeling that she should have gotten the nod as the new vice president.

President Bush again lashed out at what he said were a handful of "partisan Democratic senators" who constantly questioned and obstructed the vice president on implementation of his plans for Iraq. "Their stubborn obstructionism ill serves our fortunes in Iraq," stated Bush, "and their tactics will disrupt our cash flow at a sensitive and important time." Bush went on to praise Mr. Cheney for his service to America and said that he would continue to rely upon him during key policy considerations, stating that he had done a "fabulous job".

Bush then praised Miers as his selection to replace Cheney. "I never accepted the reality that she could not be confirmed," stated Bush, referring to his controversial failed nomination of Myers as Supreme Court Justice.

Myers then thanked the president for his faith in her and pledged her continued loyalty and service to the administration.

Some analysts viewed the vice president's departure as a symbolic tipping over of the chessboard, after having lost too many pieces within the last month. Some also interpreted Cheney's resignation as the departure of the historic neoconservative influence over the White House, while others viewed it as merely a retreat to an underground bunker at an undisclosed location.

 

12/05/06 Louisiana Announces Worst Serial Killer in State History

Houma, LA (APE) - Terrebonne Parish Sherriff Jerry Larpenter today stated that authorities there were hot on the trail of the worst serial killer in the state's history. Parish police displayed a picture of the lead suspect to the press today, stating that he was responsible for over 1697 deaths in his short spree of a little over one year.  Most were concentrated in Louisiana but the total also included some victims in surrounding states.

Another victim was found just this week in the ruins of the Ninth Ward in New Orleans.  The majority of the killer's victims had all the appearances of having drowned.

A Parish spokesperson stated that at this point it was very unlikely that they would be able to obtain a confession from their suspect, but that circumstantial evidence in all 1697 cases was overwhelming. He pleaded for anyone with inside knowledge to please step forward and help bring the killer to justice. Authorities admitted that they were fearful that their suspect was an international flight risk, citing evidence of a recent purchase of property in Paraguay.

Hundreds of tearful family members attended the press conference, bringing pictures of the victims.

"God I hope they get him. I hope he gets the death penalty," Jean Thibodaux said. "My brother didn't deserve for anything to happen to him. He thought he was safe."

 

12/01/06 Karl Rove in Serious Condition, Victim of Suspected Poisoning

Georgetown, DC (APE) - The president's chief political adviser, Karl Rove, was rushed to Georgetown University Hospital last night in serious condition.   The White House stated that Rove had been experiencing flu-like symptoms over the past two weeks with some reported hair loss.  Police and hospital physicians suspected early on that Mr. Rove was likely the victim of a poisoning, and this morning stated that blood and urine tests had uncovered the agent.

Georgetown physicians this morning stated that Rove apparently had come into contact with a rare and deadly rhetorical isotope called Pelosium 2008. Authorities said that further investigation and testing revealed significant trace quantities throughout the Capitol Building, but stated that due to the incredibly short half-life, no threat was posted to Senators, Representatives or workers in the area.

Pelosium 2008, in susceptible individuals is noted to be highly neurotoxic, concentrating in the brain within the areas responsible for executive functioning. This can result in serious and long-standing lapses in judgment, with an inability to perform competently day-to-day activities. If left untreated, as is apparently the case with Mr. Rove, this can progress to other symptoms such as anemia, hair loss, and eventual organ failure, resembling a heavy metal type of poisoning.

Doctors related that they were hopeful that Mr. Rove would make a complete recovery, but stated that his condition would likely be touch and go over the next few weeks.  They stated that it was a positive sign that they had not yet had to resort to IV fluids, as Mr. Rove was responding well to a Kool-Aid only diet by mouth.

While he has moved in and out of delirium,  over the past 24 hours, Rove has apparently been very tight lipped about how he might have come into contact with the Pelosium. FBI authorities summoned onto the case stated that they had high hopes of tracking down the likely suspect, and that even minute traces of Pelosium 2008 are very readily detectable.

Family members and friends of Rove stepped forward very quickly to adamantly deny the possibility that Rove might have been either an intentional or inadvertent self-inflicted victim.

Hospital authorities refused to either confirm or deny rumors that Vice President Dick Cheney, and former Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman had sought treatment for similar symptoms, late last night. Other local hospitals braced for what was feared might be a rash of illnesses on Capitol Hill.

Homeland security head Michael Chertoff, looking ashen, and speaking through red, teary eyes, stated that as a result of the incident, he would be raising the terror alert level to red, the first time that it has been to this level since after the attacks on 9/11. He urged senators and representatives to remain calm, and continue working on the president's agenda.

 

12/01/06 Fox News Announces Saturday Morning Cartoon Show for Kids

New York, NY (Faux News) - Fox news today announced that it was releasing a new cartoon show, which would primarily be directed towards acquiring children as new viewers. Sources stated that the new show would also be recruited into its efforts in their ongoing war on Christmas.

The animated cartoon show will feature the voice of none other than their flagship star Bill O'Reilly as the abrasive "Loofah Bill Liar Pants". Loofah Bill is a curmudgeonly bathroom exfoliatatory accessory who is frequently mistaken for a fried Middle Eastern delicacy. Fox hopes he will be able to indoctrinate children very early into their own peculiar brand of thinking and discourse. Loofah Bill will educate children in the finer arts of prevarication and distortion for fun and profit.

"We really do think we have a winner here," said a Fox News spokesperson. "Coming in the Christmas season, we're looking to make a bundle off the merchandising alone.  The first toy we'll be selling is a fully functional "Loofah Bill" doll that should appeal to Democrats and Republicans alike... who wouldn't really appreciate having Loofah Bill to scratch around your privates in the shower."

Fox also stated that as a promotional they would also be including a free copy of O.J. Simpson's book, "If I did It" for those ordering a Loofah Bill for Christmas. "We figure that we've got both the shower and bathroom reading covered."

 

12/01/06 Bush Compliments Iraqi Prime Minister for doing a "Heck of a Job"

Amman, Jordan (Rotters) - Iraqi prime minister, Miki al-Browni stated on Thursday that forces would be in place by July of next year to weather whatever storm of civil war might take place. He praised his own administration for a system of economic levies that they have put in place that should be able to withstand the ravages of even a category five civil war. He pledged also to work towards a "grateful exit for US troops.

Al-Browni met with President Bush to iron out difficulties between the two countries, and perhaps stave off projected shortcomings in support to guard against the storm of war.

"Part of the Prime Minister's frustrations is that he doesn't have the fools necessary to try to take care of those who break the law," stated the president. "we talked today about delegating authority to the Prime Minister, so that he can do what we expect him to do."

"We agreed on the importance of speeding up the availability of temporary housing for the millions of refugees now in Iraq, and those that might occur with a possible category five civil war," Bush said. "We also pledged forensic support to help the government with identification of the recent increase in bodies found floating in the Tigris and Euphrates."

"He's the right man for the job in Iraq," concluded Bush, "I think you're doing a heck of a job al-Browni."

In a related story, the State Department today released its forcasts for civil wars for the coming year, predicting that it would be a busy season,  with over nine named wars. They denied that conditions would likely be in place for war formation in and around Iraq.

 

11/30/06 Jong Il Challenges Bush over Ipods and Segways

Pyongyang, North Korea (APE) - Dictator Kim Jong Il today issued a rebuttal and challenge to the Bush administration over its proposed banning of luxury goods and technologies to North Korea that included Ipods, Segways, and fine Cognac. Jong Il issued a statement claiming that President Bush and America were no longer capable of responsibly maintaining and possessing advanced nuclear technologies. He further claimed that Bush and America were incapable of stewarding and using technologies such as the Segway and the I-Pod that they sought to ban from North Korea.

In a heated challenge, Jong Il concluded that he would be willing to face the president in a one-on-one competition with the winner having their way over the nuclear weapon issue. Jong Il proposed that the two should stand off on a prescribed course using Segways and I-Pods. After downing three shots of cognac in rapid succession, the two would attempt to navigate the course on Segways with I-Pods blaring their bootlegged music of choice. The winner would then hold sway over the nuclear proliferation issue.

The White House scoffed at what it called an obvious swipe at the president's abilities, but did not rule out what it thought could possibly be a potential solution. "We have long maintained that the key to the North Korea Issue is multiparty involvement," stated White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "Perhaps If Kim were to allow others into the race, such as Vladimir Putin, and Hu Jintao, there may be something worth exploring."

Early this morning, President Bush was seen on the south lawn of the White House practicing on the new four wheel prototype Segway Centaur, which is reportedly more stable and easier to handle than its two wheeled cousin. The White House insisted that the president was not injured during the session.

 

11/29/06 Bush Eases Travel Restrictions on Elbonians

Mudd, Elbonia (Rotters) - US President George W. Bush yesterday announced that he would work with Congress and international partners to modify the US visa waiver program.  Speaking in the nation's capital of Mudd, this was widely viewed as a concession to the former communist country of Elbonia , a long-standing US ally and a member of the original "coalition of the willing" which supported the invasion of Iraq.

"It's a way to make sure that nations like Elbonia qualify more quickly for the program, and put to good use this country's resources in the ongoing civil w... er... peacekeeping efforts in Iraq."  stated Bush.

Elbonia currently maintains a force of five soldiers in Iraq, and has threatened recently to withdraw completely by the end of the year after the loss last year of one of its soldiers. Private Viagra Cialis was killed while off-duty in a makeshift mud bath in Baghdad as the mud suddenly solidified in the arid environment, instantly trapping and suffocating him.

Elbonia is an impoverished former Soviet bloc nation, whose main natural resource is an abundance of mud, the quality of which is known worldwide and prized by spas for its natural rejuvenating qualities.  Elbonians are considered experts in the handling and cleaning up of mud, and the White House stated that their continued cooperation and contributions would be crucial in America's ongoing attempts to extricate itself from simultaneous quagmires in Iraq and Afghanistan.

 

11/27/06 Cheney Makes Surprise Thanksgiving/Hunting Visit to Iraq after Departing Saudi Arabia

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - The White House today announced that Vice President Dick Cheney indeed had made a surprise detour visit to Baghdad in support of the troops on the way home from his diplomatic mission this weekend to Saudi Arabia. In a hurried visit, bristling with security, the vice president reportedly presented the troops with the administration's traditional poly-propylene turkey and engaged in some hunting along the Green Zone bordering Sadr City.

"It was a real trifecta for the vice president," stated White House spokesperson Tony Snow.  "He was able to do some brass knuckle diplomacy, demonstrate the administration's commitment to the brave US peacekeeping forces in the Civil War in Iraq, and indulge in one of his favorite passions... all in the same trip."

The White House refused to confirm rumors claiming that Mr. Cheney had indeed killed over 50 insurgents and terrorists within the course of two hours.  They also vehemently denied reports that surfaced from local authorities that the vice president's kills were as a result of the release of detained suspects from all over Iraq who had been brought in and forcibly released. All bodies were reportedly turned over to local authorities for observation of Muslim burial customs, but the vice president reportedly had some personal effects from each bagged and fresh frozen for shipment back to the US, where he planned to give them as Christmas presents to friends and relatives.

Mr. Cheney joked briefly with the reporter pool, as he climbed aboard Air Force 2 for his return to the United States. "How can you tell the difference between a terrorist and an insurgent?" asked a reporter. "That's a good question," chuckled the vice president.  "It's pretty easy, really... terrorists run and insurgents generally stay put... you don't have to lead them as much."

 

11/22/06 White House Pardons Turkey, Executes Bird

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush today in a small ceremony in the Rose Garden pardoned the official White House turkey, Karl. Karl and his alternate turkey, Rummy, who was pardoned earlier last week, will be taken to a brand-new chicken hawk refuge that the president has decided to open on land that the Bush family has recently purchased in Paraguay. Chicken hawks are rapidly becoming an endangered species in Washington, and surrounding states in America.  Karl and Rummy will be provided for on the refuge and be allowed to reproduce so as to hopefully someday return the species back to viable levels in America. Bush has vowed to dedicate the White House to rescuing and preserving other chicken hawks as the need arises.

To the shock and sorrow of Missourians, the official Thanksgiving birds "flyer" and "fryer" met the same fate as last year's birds "democracy" and "freedom" and were summarily executed by the president himself, using a Saudi executioner's sword originally presented to him by Prince Bandar. Bush again reminded Americans that freedom, prosperity, and victory are only possible through a commitment to making the ultimate sacrifice.

 

11/21/06 Bush Assaulted With Reality Upon Return from Pacific Conference

Honolulu, HI (APE) – President George W. Bush was assaulted today as he stepped off of Air Force One on the return from a Pacific Rim nation summit meeting. The president is said to be OK but just a little shaken after his encounter with Freedom Corps Volunteer Lois Monsterrat. The elderly Monsterrat attempted to strangle the president with a series of leis that she was placing around his neck when she was wrestled to the ground by a Secret Service detail.

Details surrounding the assault are sketchy, as Monsterrat was quickly whisked away to an undisclosed location for further interrogation.

Family members speculated that Monsterrat, a long time Republican and Bush supporter may have finally just snapped. They stated that she had become increasingly agitated over the past year in regards to the president's cumbersome Medicare drug plan as well as well as attempts to privatize Social Security.

"We did our best to keep her away from the television," stated one of Monsterrat's sons, "but I guess at some point reality just begins to set in. She sits around talking with all the other ladies at the senior center and they sort of try to solve all the world's problems... then before you know it, something like this happens."

The son, who did not want his name used, was asked if possibly Alzheimer's might have contributed to the incident. "No," he stated, "I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't allow the president to continue serving if he was incapacitated in any way. Mom's pretty kind hearted and compassionate, too... if she had known there was something at all wrong with him, I know she wouldn't have done what she did."

In a related event, the FBI this morning raided and seized all computer servers associated with the popular Progressive Blog, "The Daily Kos" in an effort to investigate the possibility of any sort of conspiracy associated with the assault. The were particularly interested in the postings of a recent new user called Monster Rat. A spokesperson for the Daily Kos stated that they anticipated to be back up by within hours having long prepared for just a scenario.

The White House announced that the President would continue with his anticipated inspection of troops stationed at Hawaiian military bases, but that it would likely occur through remote video hook-up.

 

 

11/20/06 Michael Richards In, John Bolton Out as New Bush Ambassador to UN

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House this morning, in a hurried press conference, announced that the president would be withdrawing his controversial reappointment of John Bolton as US ambassador to the United Nations. Perhaps deciding that the inflammatory nomination was not worth the battle in Congress, it was announced that Bush would be putting forward the immediate nomination of comedian Michael Richards to fill the post.

The White House cited the success of its venture into the entertainment business with the appointment of Fox network's Tony Snow as press secretary to fill the vacancy left by Scott McClellan.

"Michael had a little slip up and he apologized immediately," said an anonymous White House source. "This is precisely the rapid thinking on one's feet that this position needs. We regret Michael's recent loss of his cool, but he was in the midst of a comedy routine, and sometimes things can be taken the wrong way in the heat of the moment... it's not like he called someone a macaca or insulted our troops or something... besides, most of the audience seemed to be really with him in his comments... that's exactly the bold leadership that we want at the UN to advance America's objectives."

Bolton's parting with the White House on the surface appeared to be amicable. Rumor had it that he was able to secure a multimillion dollar contract  with Quaker Oats Inc. as their new spokesperson, replacing the aging Wilford Brimsley. Quaker is set to launch a new "get tough with cholesterol" advertising campaign which will spotlight the talents of the frequently acerbic Bolton.

President Bush, just returned from what he described as a smashingly successful trip to Indonesia, stated that he was looking forward to working with Richards. "I'm a big fan," stated Bush, "I've got all his episodes on tape. Lot's of folks were into that whole Ross/Rachel thing, but I always thought that he carried the show... How YOU doin'?... that still cracks me up... and I use it sometimes myself!"

 

11/18/06 Galactic Confederacy Ambassador Attends Cruise Holmes Wedding in Italy

BRACCIANO, Italy (APE) - Citizens of the town of Bracciano were treated Saturday night to a spectacular light show prior to the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as the Ambassador of the remnants of the Galactic Confederacy made an appearance at the 15th Century Odeschali castle. The Ambassador, rumored to be possibly a descendant of Xenu himself was said to be a last minute addition to the guest list.

The Ambassador's spaceship, estimated to be over 3 miles in diameter, stunned reporters, villagers, guests and paparazzi, as it is suddenly descended over the castle. Security for the not so secret wedding became even tighter as the ambassador added hundreds of white uniformed troops to beef up patrols by the Carbinieri paramilitary police. Rumors circulated that at least one paparazzo had been vaporized after what appeared to be a misunderstanding in an attempt to view the ceremony.

"I want to see at least one of them... the heck with Katie or Tom," said 15-year-old Tomatino Focaccia. The extraterrestrial presence further heightened excitement of the locals, as alien souvenirs immediately went on sale in local shops alongside of Tom, Katie, and Suri commemorative photographs and merchandise.

Representatives for the Church of Scientology in Rome remained very close lipped about the ambassador's presence, and particularly refused to comment on rumors about his relationship with Xenu. Xenu is the 75 million-year-old former Dictator/Emperor of the known galaxy who is reportedly kept in perpetual imprisonment in a remote underground volcanic chamber somewhere in the Hawaiian island chain. This is reputedly also the location of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Representatives stated that Hubbard also made a low profile appearance at the ceremony, and wished the couple well.
 

Originally, rumors flew that the wedding ceremony would likely not occur until sometime early tomorrow night. However, teams of Scientology "Sea Org" members with Ambassador guards were seen throughout the castle and hotel apparently making last-minute thetan clearing sweeps early this morning, leading to the speculation that the ceremony was imminent.

The ceremony literally went off without a hitch today, as Scientology ceremonies are not recognized as legal in Italy. The couple will apparently legitimize the union in a civil ceremony aboard the Ambassador's ship later this evening somewhere outside the orbit of Uranus.

 

11/17/06 Vietnam the Latest to File Lawsuit Against "Bushrat"

Hanoi, Vietnam (Rotters) - Vietnamese President Nguyen Minh Triet today announced that the country would be initiating a lawsuit against controversial improvisational comedian/politician "Bushrat", joining a long line of domestic and international litigants who claim to have been deceived by the performer. "Bushrat" is currently touring the nations of Asia in his controversial "Bushrat: Cynical Leanings of Muruca for Make Benefit of Glorious Leader"  performance piece.

"Bushrat informed us that he was coming to bring us this big economic trade agreement," said a spokesperson for the Vietnamese President, "so then we make all of these arrangements, security, military reviews, marching bands, lavish dinners... and then we find out that he doesn't really have the authority for any such agreement... and that he doesn't even really represent the American people.  He ate our food, shook a lot of hands, and took lots of pictures in front of statues of Ho Chi Minh.  We really feel like we've been taken advantage of."

"Bushrat's" performance appeared to be going well until he insisted the Vietnamese first lady "pull his finger" at a formal dinner and he laughed and passed flatus for the cameras and the stunned guests in attendance. Earlier in the day, he was seen at Truc Bach lake offering a local child a dollar to dive to the bottom of the lake and attempt to bring up a piece of wreckage from the damaged warplane of Commander John McCain, now a Republican senator and likely presidential candidate for 2008.

"Bushrat" met with Australian Prime Minister John Howard,  over lunch and discussed the two countries' strategies for the ongoing war in Iraq. "We'll succeed," stated Bushrat, "I've decided."

Others who have brought suit against "Bushrat" include a pair of former fraternity members from Bushrat's days at Yale, who insist that he got them drunk and then branded them with a red-hot coat hanger.  More recently, the nation of Germany announced that it was bringing suit against "Bushrat", and his chief publicist, Donald Rumsfeld, in the name of the people of Iraq for their role in deceptively taking advantage of and torturing poor Iraqi's, and reneging on fair compensation.

The White House today insisted that all suits leveled against "Bushrat" had no merit whatsoever, and that all parties had ample time to evaluate and understand where "Bushrat" was coming from before entering into any type of legal agreement.

 

11/14/06 December Playboy Cover featuring Nude Ann Coulter

Los Angeles, CA (APE) - She's been abhorred for years as the most downrated person on the internet, which means... aw heck, you know what it means. People love retching over Ann Coulter.

What it hasn't meant, all these years, though, as all those thousands of disappointed freepers know, is seeing even one picture of this 18th-century tossup queen without anything strategically covering her.

No longer.

At 44, Coulter, who has been scintillating fans with her own brand of historic revisionism, has posed au natural for Playboy. The December issue, with her on the cover, attacks newsstands Friday. The pages of pictures on the inside leave readers scrambling for imagination.

It was for a good cause, Coulter, almost 45, explained when Associated Press Extraterrestrial caught up with her, fully loathed, at her undisclosed location.

Q: Why now?

Ann Coulter: My decision to do Playboy is literally one week in the making. I've always chided others for taking their clothes off and posed as the girl next door. I'm the number one right-wing talking head, and for years I've been known as "The Queen of Slime", all while keeping my clothes on, and that's taken some real discipline. Every couple of years when Hef would call I would graciously decline, because it would kill that whole androgynous legend that I've got going for me, and I thought that I could maintain the mystery by keeping my clothes on.

But this year, when I got the call from Hef, it was almost my 45th birthday. The Republican party had just received a humpin', so I thought, "Wow... at 45, America doesn't want us anymore?" And I thought it's almost an epiphany... like a "F--- 'em all!" moment. I feel empowered that you can criticize other people's morals and yet still be single, with no children, sexy and confident, and then bare all for the world.

Q: So what's the story on the androgynous deal?

Coulter: I feel proud of myself. I work out really hard, and people will just have to decide for themselves. The reason that I wanted to do it the most is because I am posing for a purpose: a portion of the proceeds from each issue sold is going to my charity.

Q: That would be...?

Coulter: I am the celebrity spokesperson for WILT, the national anti-erectile function association. It stands for Whitebread Ideology Less Tumescence. If you think about it, this last midterm election in which the Republican Party received such a humpin' was all because of this vast priapism of the party over the last six years that resulted in all the scandals. My charity is devoted to wresting control of erections from the parties and putting them back in the hands of voters. Celibacy is not just for Paris Hilton anymore.

 

11/13/06 Commission Accomplished! Baker-Hamilton Study Demands Immediate Pullback

Washington, DC (APE) - After an exhaustive months long investigation, the vaunted bi-partisan Baker-Hale commission results were presented to the president and the American public today. The conclusions stunned many, including the White House, as the commission's well-thought-out strategy for the troubled mission in Iraq virtually mirrored the stance put forth by Pennsylvania Democratic Congressman John Murtha, almost one year ago today. Perhaps highlighting the emotional nature of this proposed drastic change of course, President Bush was seen to be wiping a tear from his eye.

The release of the report caught many by surprise, as, earlier in the weekend, both Hamilton and Baker had insisted that there was much work still to be done. Apparently early this morning, both came to the conclusion that the evidence was overwhelming for the immediate pull back and strategic redeployment, and that hesitation at this point would only cost more American and Iraqi lives.

The commission had been scheduled to meet with upper-level cabinet members as well as British Prime Minister Tony Blair by video link early this morning. Vice President Cheney, on a Sunday appearance with Fox news, had stated that he was undecided about whether he would be willing to participate or give testimony to the commission, and said with certainty that he would ignore any subpoena.

"If these recommendations bring greater consensus between Republicans and Democrats, I think they could be very harmful for the nation," stated Cheney. He added: "If there were a shotgun solution I would have already pulled the trigger."

 

11/12/06 Lindsay Lohan Calls Paris Hilton a "Grunt", Apologizes

Los Angeles, CA (O! Online) - Lindsay Lohan today apologized for a misunderstanding that she claims happened earlier this week.  Thronged by paparazzi leaving a hotel party that friend Paris Hilton apparently was attending, she was asked if she fought with Hilton that night. Caught on tape in a video snippet that was posted Thursday on YouTube.com, Lohan simply called her friend and fellow actress Hilton "a grunt". Misunderstood as a four letter word insult, a friend in the back seat of Lohan's SUV quickly added, "she's kidding."

"That other word is certainly not what I said," stated Lohan today, "Paris and I are really close friends and I would never refer to her in that way... that word is disgusting and it's not even in my vocabulary. I really do want to apologize for letting the cat out of the bag, though. Paris had confided in me about her plans to enlist, and I just sort of let it slip. It was supposed to be this big secret surprise next week. I'm sorry Paris!"

Elliot Mintz, a publicist for Ms. Hilton confirmed that she indeed had enlisted in the United States Marine Corps earlier in the week. "She thought long and hard about it," stated Mintz, "and she says that she was attracted to the discipline that the Marine Corps had to offer.  Paris was also motivated by her struggles with her celibacy pledge. We also received assurances from a recruiter that Paris' role in the Corps after boot camp would likely be merely public relations in nature without combat exposure."

Mintz also stated that Paris had been motivated by the recent gaffe from Senator John Kerry.  She wanted to set an example, that, like Kerry, even people of privilege and wealth had an obligation to their country. Mintz also stated that Hilton's enlistment agreement stipulated that she would be eschewing the traditional basic training at Parris Island for a more personalized and less intensive stint at Hilton Head Island.

 

11/12/06 Windows Vista, Discovery Approaching Historic Launch Ahead of Schedule

Cape Kennedy, FL (Rotters) - Thanks to a newly disclosed partnership by Redmond-based Corporation Microsoft and NASA, it was announced today that the space shuttle Discovery, which had been burdened with a computer bug that threatened to delay its upcoming launch until well past the new year, would indeed apparently be launched weeks ahead of schedule on or about December 7. An upgrade to Microsoft's new operating system, Windows Vista, is being credited as the reason behind the accelerated launch schedule.

A proud Bill Gates revealed the partnership to those in attendance at a conference at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington. "In taking advantage of the superior graphics capabilities in this new version of Windows," bragged Gates, "we will be able to present to the shuttle team, a far superior virtual presentation of their exterior environment, obviating their need for dangerous viewports and windshields and such. They will also be able to navigate through cumbersome checklists via elegant semi transparent thumbnail presentations which will appear on their heads up display desktop environment.  Discovery will serve as an excellent vehicle for the  promotion of the ease of upgrade of almost any machine to Windows Vista."

"Every mission is always a challenge," stated Wayne Hale, NASA shuttle program manager.  "STS-116, will be no exception. One of our concerns will be online registration of our version of Windows, which Microsoft insists will have to take place in orbit, as this will be the primary location that the software will be utilized. If we are not able to successfully maintain a satellite link from orbit to Redmond, the mission runs the risk of having the shuttle's operating system shut down after one week if it is not successfully registered and antipiracy agreements submitted. Every member of the STS-116 crew has committed to memory the registration key as a system of redundant back-up, should problems arise."

Microsoft is touting Vista as the most stable and secure version of Windows to date, and its first major upgrade since the successful Windows XP.  Vista, however, will not be available to the public until after the new year, unless through manufacturer agreements for new computer sales.  A spokesperson for Microsoft denied the rumor that the delay in release until after the new year was an attempt to minimize the space shuttle Discovery's exposure to hackers prior to launch. Plans are to have the remainder of America's shuttle fleet, and eventually the International Space Station declared Windows Vista capable by the end of the year.

 

 

11/10/06 Bush Breaks Wind with Democratic Leaders

Washington, DC (APE) - Yesterday, in an apparent act of self flatulation, President George W. Bush met with presumed incoming Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.  The two met at the suggestion of the president to begin charting a course for the country for the remainder of the president's two years in office with the Democrats in charge of the legislative branch of the government, and perhaps mend fences.

"The winds of change swept through America on Tuesday," quipped Bush, "and I guess we just couldn't smell it coming."

The two sought common ground on issues facing America and seemed to find real agreement in pursuit of alternative energy sources such as methane fuel production.

Pelosi complemented the president on his choice of drapes for the Oval Office, insisting that they didn't need to be changed, and suggesting that a simple air freshener might suffice.

Bush had earlier met with current Republican leadership of the House and Senate over a breakfast of mixed fresh fruit, and blamed this meal for the intestinal discomfort that he appeared to be experiencing with Pelosi.  Earlier at the breakfast Bush had presented a suggested itinerary for the remaining session of Congress, which included the confirmation of John Bolton, validation of warrantless wiretapping, and further measures designed to solidify the position of the unitary executive and offer retrograde pardons for wrongdoing.

Later in the day, the Bolton nomination appeared to have been spiked by Republican Senator Lincoln Chaffee.

A spokesperson for representative Pelosi stated that later today there would be a press conference in which Mrs. Pelosi would reveal the Democrats "First 100 Subpoenas"  strategy.

 

11/09/06 Britney Admits Split  with K-Fed over Rumsfeld

New York, NY (O! Online) - Poptart Britney Spears, after recently text messaging her husband of two years, Kevin Federline that she was filing for divorce, was caught by paparazzi last night at a Manhattan restaurant with a newly resigned Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.  Initially, the couple appeared embarrassed over the attention, but eventually relaxed and discussed their presence with the assembled photographers.

Spears acknowledged that her recent application for divorce from Federline had been influenced by an admiration from afar of Secretary Rumsfeld. "I've just always had this thing about older men," said Spears, "and especially older men with power. I feel safe with Don, he kind of reminds me of my dad. And the kids just love him to death."

Spears went on to say that she had not been happy over the last few years with the course of her marriage and entertainment career, was looking for change, and felt that Rumsfeld would be the right man to help her with it. "I was really disappointed with what happened to Don," stated Spears, "I feel like we as Americans should have just trusted his judgment."

"I just really owe so much to Don", continued Spears, "There was that whole sex tape thing that I was so worried about. I talked with Don about it, and he assured me that he could make it disappear... and it did!"

Rumsfeld repeatedly denied suggestions that he would soon be resigning his position as husband to his wife of 52 years, insisting that he planned to "stay the course". "Does this look embarrassing?  Sure. Is it totally innocent?  Absolutely." stated Rumsfeld. "I've simply been an admirer of Ms. Spears and especially her dedication to the president and the troops. She's asked for my help, and now I appear to have a little more free time on my hands."

Rumsfeld went on to explain that he had personally met Spears on a racquetball court, and that their common interests grew from there.

Rumsfeld went on to explain his strategy for resurrecting Spears' flagging pop music career.  "What we need is a leaner, faster, and more adaptable entourage and backup singers and dancers. Flexibility and mobility is the key... a dancer needs to be able to pick up a microphone and be good with it when the need arises. We're going to be going on tour with the singers and dancers we want and not the ones we've got."

Rumsfeld also stated that he would take a hands-on approach to streamlining the stressors that threatened Ms. Spears in the performance of her duties.  He stated that one of his main tasks will be the continued downsizing of the Fed.

Rumsfeld refused to speculate further as to what his overall career intentions were since stepping down as Secretary of Defense, but insisted that he would continue to serve the president and the nation in whatever capacity was needed. Rumsfeld stated that he looked to possibly head the internal clandestine service that he created within the Pentagon.  He stated that one of the latest tasks assigned him by the president is a review and update of the international extradition policies of various countries worldwide.

 

11/08/06 Democrats Win House and Senate, Declare VB Day

Washington, DC (APE) - Spontaneous celebrations erupted across the nation this morning as Americans heralded the triumph of democracy in the bloodless overthrow of the oppressive six-year illegal regime of the Bush administration. Staving off a swelling mudslide from Republican opponents, Democrats today declared victory in capturing both seats of government as a cleansing blue tsunami of voter discontent swept through Washington. Barring last-minute attempts at tampering and legal machinations in recounts, the Democrats declared victory in the last two hotly contested Senate races in Montana and Virginia, giving them the six seats necessary to assume control of the Senate. Earlier in the evening, Democrats had easily assumed control of the House of Representatives with a net gain of 28 seats. In the early hours of the morning at a Democratic celebration the new Speaker of the House Democrat Nancy Pelosi, delightedly declared "VB Day", or "Victory over Bush Day".

A last-ditch 10 state tour effort by the president designed to "energize his base" seemed to have backfired for the White House, as the only bases that became energized appeared to be military bases and service families. Exit polling suggested that the citizen G.I. sent the president an overwhelming referendum on his embattled secretary of defense,  Donald Rumsfeld.  National guardsmen were seen actually participating in some of the jubilation on the national Mall in Washington, DC that they were assigned to maintain order during. A Virginia National Guard tank maintenance unit, just back from its sixth tour in Iraq, was seen assisting the crowd on the lawn outside the Capitol building in tearing down a newly erected Halliburton sponsored statue honoring George W. Bush for his leadership in the war in Iraq.

President Bush was scheduled to address the nation at 1 p.m. today.  White House press Secretary Tony Snow urged caution from Americans, insisting that all votes had not been counted correctly, and that this would not be a concessionary speech. "The president will stress the importance of showing no quarter in the ongoing war that grips our nation," stated Snow, "and he will stress the need for bipartisanship in the ongoing war in Iraq as well. Any attempts by the new Democratic leadership to bog this war president down with needless subpoenas, hearings, or oversight will be met with swift veto retribution... and no signing statements."

"This is a wake-up call to the Republican Party," said Republican Senator and potential 2008 presidential candidate John McCain of Arizona, "and I would implore the president to not just hit the snooze bar."

 

11/05/06 Ousted Evangelical Haggard Signs on to Promote/Model Wonderjock

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO (Rotters Life!) - The day after renowned evangelical pastor Ted Haggard was forced to resign his position with the 14,000 member New life Church in Colorado Springs, it was announced that he would be signing on board with Australian underwear maker AussieBum to help promote their recently launched "Wonderjock".  AussieBum claims to have already sold over 50,000 pairs of the "Wonderjock" from its online website, and states that orders have doubled since the announcement in regards to Haggard.

Wonderjock designer Sean Ashby stated that the new underwear was created as a result of customer feedback, with many men wanting to look "bigger".  Ashby insisted that this is accomplished without the use of "padding, rings, or strings".

"Just as in women utilizing the "Wonderbra" to look bigger", stated Ashby, "the design of this new underwear, the Wonderjock, is such that it uplifts and separates to accomplish the same thing... hearing about the plight of Reverend Haggard, we felt that he would be the perfect spokesperson for this whole concept of uplifting and separating."

A spokesperson for Aussiebum stated that the rollout for the new advertising campaign would likely be delayed for approximately 3 weeks on rumors that Haggard would likely be checking into a Christian detox facility to address a crystal meth addiction.  Rumors also surfaced that Haggard would likely be checking into the same facility that disgraced Florida Congressman Mark Foley will soon be discharged from, and that Foley, now clean, had agreed serve as a sponsor for Haggard. Aussiebum refused to comment upon whether a deal was in the works to have Haggard and Foley team up for a series of future ads.

 

11/05/06 "The Last Super-Half-Decaf-Mocha-Latte"

A reading from the playbook of Karl, Chapter 2006, Verses 17-30....

2006:17

On the first day of the Feast of Unrepentant Greed, the disciples came to Bush and asked, "Where do you want us to make reparations so your defeat will pass over?"

2006:18

He decided, "Go into Englewood to a certain man and tell him, 'The Decider says: My disappointed time is near.  I'm going to recuperate from its pass over with my disciples at your coffee house.' "

2006:19

So the disciples did as Bush had decided for them, and declared that it would pass over.

2006:20

When evening came, Bush was reclining at the table with only about four or five.

2006:21

And while they were bleating, he said, "To tell you the truth, I think they're all going to betray me."

2006:22

They were very mad and began to pray with him, one after the other, "Oh Lord!  Surely not us?"

2006:23

Bush replied, "The ones who have not slipped their hands into the till with me will betray me.

2006:24

The Moron Son will go just as the pundits have written about him. But Rove is the man who betrays the Moron Son! It would be better for him if I did not have a gun."

2006:25

Then Rove, the one who would betray him, said, "But surely, did not I try?"  Bush answered, "Yes, this is true."

2006:26

While they were freaking, Bush took their bread, gave thanks and pocketed it, and let his disciples have it, saying, "Take to the streets; this is my booty."

2006:27

Then he scratched his cup, praised tanks and offered spin, saying, "Suck it up, all of you.

2006:28

This is the blood of Iraq, which is poured out by many for the forgiveness of my lack of sense.

2006:29

I tell you, I'd love to drink the fruit of the grain from now until that day when I will drink anew with blues in my Father's kingdom in Paraguay."

2006:30

When they were done with him, they went out and washed with Palmolive.

 

 

11/03/06 Early Voting Craze Sweeps Nation Unifying Democratic Opposition to Bush and Iraq War

Washington, DC (APE) - With many voters, especially Democrats, taking advantage of early voting opportunities available in most states, a growing number are using the occasion to make their voices heard after voting by dying a finger blue. The gesture is a reference to the purple finger of support after the Bush Administration's heralded "Free Elections" in Iraq, prior to the country's plunge into civil war. Some people are choosing to dye their thumbs or index fingers after voting, but the vast majority are opting to color and then flash their middle fingers, a reference to George Bush's infamous "one fingered salute" to the American people prior to engineering the invasion of Iraq.

"It's a great way to show your support for our troops", stated Stand Strong, a blogger for the Daily Kos.

In a related story, the Bush Administration was dealt another severe blow today with the revelation that the publishers for the armed service related publications, The Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marine Times planned to print editorials in all four editions on Monday demanding the immediate resignation or firing of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. This comes two days before the election, and just days after the president made a public show of support and commitment to Mr. Rumsfeld and the equally unpopular Vice President Cheney, vowing that they would both stay onboard for the remainder of his term in office. The White House declined to comment upon rumors that an investigation of Gannet the publisher for all four periodicals had been launched by the Department of Justice.

 

 

11/03/06 Breaking : Haggard Admits Influencing Bush to Making Public Iraqi Nuclear Weapon Plans

Denver, Colorado (APE) - In a breaking story from television station, KKTV in Denver, reporters have produced telephone records which not only confirm recent allegations of Haggard indulging in homosexual prostitution and the use of crystal meth but also linking him to the New York Times' breaking story of the Bush administration's disclosure of detailed Iraqi plans for a nuclear weapon to the public.  Critics and scientists have maintained that disclosure of the plans would aid Iran or any other country with an interest in acquiring nuclear weapons.  Haggard has been a close adviser and a confidant to the Bush administration's inner circle in regards to religious matters, and gay marriage. The recent revelations promised to be explosive to the GOP, which engaged in a last hour effort at staving off defeat in the coming midterm election.

The Bush administration appears to be immediately distance itself from Haggard, insisting that he was merely a passing acquaintance at the White House, not unlike lobbyist Jack Abramoff.  "Hagrid?... Hagrid, did you say?"  Quipped White House spokesperson Tony Snow.  "Isn't he, that guy in Harry Potter?"

The White House went on to deny vehemently any complicity with Haggard over the release of the nuclear weapons plans, and insisted that it was not related to any attempt to promote a nuclear holocaust or "end of days" type of scenario.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales also present at the press conference stepped forward to state that this was merely the latest in a "litany" of treasonable offenses from the Times, which the Department of Justice would be launching an aggressive investigation into.  "Since the operation has now been blown," stated González, "We just want the American public to be aware that the New York Times has done irreparable damage to our "Double Secret Probation Nuclear Deterrence Program". What was posted on the government Internet site were plans which were carefully doctored to appear to be workable, but in actuality, would set back any nuclear weapons development program for years."

What is apparent in the tapes obtained by KKTV is that Haggard certainly believed that the plans were viable and would possibly accelerate progress towards some type of nuclear holocaust.

The White House also denied any knowledge of links between Haggard and former Talon News correspondent Jeff Gannon, but in light of current events, it is rumored that the president is re-examining his and the Republican Party's stance on gay marriage.

Haggard has immediately stepped down from his position as the leader of the 11,000 member New Life Church in Colorado Springs, and has not yet come forward to address the allegations of prostitution and substance abuse in public.

In a related story, the Reverend Fred Phelps has offered to take a leave of absence from his position as pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas, and fill in for Haggard at the New Life Church in order to save the souls of the 11,000 members who appear now to be tainted and in danger of going to hell.

 

 

 

 

 

11/02/06 Flags of Our Farters

"Why shouldn't they call us heroes. All we did was try to keep from getting shot"

(Synopsis) "Flags of Our Farters" is the story of three of the six surviving neocons, Richard B. Cheney, George W. Bush, and Donald H. Rumsfeld who fought stateside to raise the flag of Halliburton over the oil rich land of Iraq in the name of America. While the battle, after three years, threatens to rage on with no end in sight and the deaths of over 2800 servicemen to date, these men cynically offer themselves as leaders in a just cause. Their government uses photos of them to promote the sale and perpetuation of the war. The three men truly believe that they are leaders and heroes, while the American public does not. The war is adapted from the writings of prominent neocon author Paul Wolfowitz. A single photo can end a war.

 

11/02/06 Bush Defends Rumsfeld and War in Iraq to Limbaugh and Supporters

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Seeking to engorge his base prior to the midterm election, President Bush granted an exclusive interview at the White House yesterday to Right Wing radio talkshow host Rush Limbaugh to discuss the war in Iraq and firm up his support for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The eager Limbaugh was happy to provide his services to the president and his listeners. Bush insisted to Limbaugh that he fully intended to stay onboard Rumsfeld for the remainder of his term as president.

"Don is a man who is capable of performing in many positions, and at the same time he is excellent at being able to reach around if he needs to." stated Bush. "He continues to provide great service to me and therefore this country."

Limbaugh spent a few embarrassing minutes initially attempting to personally adjust the president's microphone before giving up. He quipped: "See me later, Mr. President, I think I've got a few pills that just might do the trick."

The president also defended the administration's performance in Iraq, answering growing complaints from GI's on the ground that the entire situation as documented by a leaked Pentagon graphic yesterday was rapidly descending into what they termed a "cluster fuck". "I don't like that term," Bush bristled. "What we've done with our troops throughout this campaign is a series of multiple rapid strategic insertions and withdrawals. We'll continue this with our troops until the Iraqis are trained to assume their positions. We will not withdraw prematurely until this rape of democracy in the middle east has ended."

"I understand our guys' frustrations," continued Bush. "War is a lot like sex... even though you might have a headache, or it hurts or something, you still have to perform your duties."

The two also discussed the recent gaffe by Senator John Kerry. "Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words,” Mr. Bush said, "And our troops deserve full protection from the people in this administration."

 

11/01/06 Bush Teams with Limbaugh to Press Attack for Apology

Washington, DC (APE) - First lady Laura Bush today teamed up with radio pundit Rush Limbaugh to push for public apologies from both Michael J. Fox and Senator and former presidential candidate John Kerry. They announced that this would be the beginning of a campaign to bring truth in exaggeration to political discourse.  While both acknowledged that Michael J. Fox did deserve sympathy for his suffering from Parkinson's, and Kerry somewhat less sympathy for his ability to deliver a punch line, they accused both of attempting to manipulate emotions over very sensitive issues: Fox for politicizing the ongoing debate over stem cells, and Kerry for resurrecting the well-established issue of the president's stupidity. Limbaugh and Bush spoke with a contingent of Fox news reporters.

"I think Mr. Fox, in particular could take a good lesson for my husband," stated Mrs. Bush. "I understand the horrors and pain that go along with Parkinson's disease,  but there is a lot to be said for suffering in silence.  Just like in George's case, he knows he's stupid, and he's suffered from stupidity all his life.  It has affected everyone close to him... but you don't see him using it as an excuse and making a big deal out of it. It's understandable why he might have misunderstood Mr. Kerry's mean-spirited joke and thought that he was attacking our troops.  But this doesn't excuse Mr. Kerry for the inadvertent result of demoralizing those in the armed services during a time of war by pointing out my husbands obvious shortcomings. I think he still owes the troops an apology."

The first lady had taken time off from a busy schedule of a planned redecorating of the Oval Office for the president, and appeared testy throughout the interview.  It was rumored that she had spent the morning in an argument with a local interior decorating company attempting to cancel an order for new draperies.

"I'm sorry," added Limbaugh, "But I can't stand by idly and watch as our president is "Swift-Boobed". We all know what Mr. Kerry intended to say, but that cannot be allowed to stand for the sake of our brave fighting men and women in Iraq.  I stand by my insistence, that this is a slight to our troops and that Mr. Kerry needs to apologize."

 

10/31/06 HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! The October Surprise...

 

10/30/06 The Nightmare Before the Elections

( with apologies to Clement Moore! )

'Twas the week before elections, with a pall o’er the House

Not a preacher demurring o’er what Foley espoused.

The mockings were flung for Dick Cheney's repair,

In the hopes the electorate just wouldn't care.

 

The brainchildren all wrestled to tug in the threads

Of conservative visions all tattered in shreds.

And Dub went to worship, catapulting his pap…

I’m embattled and drained from his false terror flap.

 

Then on the East lawn among the roses and chatter

They sang for the dead, hoping polls wouldn't matter.

Prayed for the widows with new found panache,

Tore open their coffers, and withdrew out the cash.

 

The goons around the crest of the faux Tony Snow

Gave this bluster of heyday an official-ish glow.

Then, besot with his blundering lies, there appeared,

An immature hombre, in black shiny rain gear.

 

He slipped a high fiver, so snidely and slick

I knew he could foment and cut to the quick.

Most vapid and illegal his curses brought shame,

As he bristled and pouted and sought to inflame.

 

"Now trash her! Now lance her! Pelosi that vixen!

On, Condi! On, stupid! On Donald and Blitzer!

Don’t stop with the torch, we’ve got to appall!

Now smash away! Bash away! Slash away all!”

 

My dry heaves aborted this crack cocaine guy,

Yet he was cool as a popsicle, this viscount of the sly.

But down from the house-top, the charges they grew,

From the pages, just boys, nicked all Republicans too.

 

But then in a sprinkling of words without truth

The hemming and hawing about each little goof.

He drew in a bead, and started spinning it ‘round,

Through the gutter he drug us, naming all of us clowns.

 

He impressed with his fury, far from dead, not kaput,

And his nails were all varnished as he lashed at the webroot.

He trundled the page boys through the dung in attack,

And he cooked, this old meddler, for his pederast pack.

 

His lies were so wrinkled! So simple, how scary!

These tweaks to our noses, from his fancy blackberry!

This troll of a lout conned up a great row,

Then came word of OUR sins from the white-lied Tony Snow.

 

He stumped for the right, led the fight to bequeath

The Democrat’s Party a big funeral wreath.

He had a broad base of the unsound and smelly,

Who took what he passed, this little piggy pot belly.

 

He was no tubby mugwump, and right full of himself

And I gagged when I saw him, all the spite on his shelf…

The fink and his lies were the grist of my dread,

But his team-up with Diebold left me feeling quite dead.

 

He joked, "that he'd heard…", set out straight to besmirch,

And then stuffed all the boxes, threw returns in a lurch.

And flaunting his lingering gerrymandering of foes,

And grinning façade, “Up with Cheney!”, thumbing nose…

 

I sprang from my sleigh bed, from this dream like a missile,

And my fears, they all grew from Keith’s smack down epistle…

I heard Olbermann proclaim, ‘ere he quit the fistfight,

"May our kismet not fall… just good luck and good night.”

 

 

10/28/06 Campaigning Bush Seeks to Halt Democratic Firestorm

Washington, DC (APE) - The White House has apparently pulled out all stops in its quest to halt the firestorm of Democratic led political reform, sweeping the nation ahead of the crucial November 7 midterm elections.  The president has scheduled a firebreak of appearances through next week in hotspots throughout the nation, including Texas, Montana, Nevada, and Georgia, which are all threatening to turn blue.

Democrats today accused the White House of foul play, claiming that Bush has secretly outfitted Air Force One for the widespread high-altitude dispersal of "blame retardant" chemicals.  The White House dismissed the accusations as merely a paranoid fantasy.

Air Force One has been observed recently in a number of both high altitude and crowd pleasing low passes to be releasing a seemingly harmless colorful red dye.  Protesters at the president's appearances have made claims of adverse reactions upon contact with the chemical. Complaints of headaches, nausea, and general malaise upon viewing or listening to Mr. Bush are apparently replaced with feelings of complacency, euphoria, and in some extreme cases, somnolence.

The White House insists that what is being disbursed is merely red smoke, similar to that seen in air shows and other aerial displays, and is meant as a display of bipartisan patriotism.

An independent laboratory has tested air samples from previous appearances, and while they maintain that the results are preliminary and inconclusive, traces of the drugs diazepam and fluoxetine have reportedly been found in significant concentrations.

"I don't want you to think about the Democratic plans for success," stated Bush at a rally in Indiana today.  "They are in agreement on one thing... they want to make me leave before my job is done, and I will not let them."

 

10/27/06 Limbaugh Insists Internet Video of Tics was just Imitation of Fox

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Right-wing radio pundit Rush Limbaugh held a televised news conference this morning in which he repeatedly refused to apologize for his refuted claims that Michael J. Fox was exaggerating  symptoms of his Parkinson's disease for political gain.  Limbaugh also addressed concerns, which had appeared overnight on the Internet in which medical experts reviewing screen captures of his purported imitation of Fox on his radio show questioned whether Limbaugh himself might be suffering some complex motor tics that can be associated with particular medications.

Justin Jest, MD, a physician specializing in ED (erectile dysfunction), posted an in-depth analysis of the video clip of Limbaugh on the popular Internet site YouTube. "We are seeing more and more frequently the development of these complex motor tics in people who tend to abuse some of the more popular ED medications such as Viagra, and Cialis. The side effects are very rare, and therefore don't appear as warnings on the package inserts.  The problem is, when these medications are taken in conjunction with painkillers, there seems to be an imprinting of the motor behaviors that the patient indulges in while taking the ED medication. It results in a behavior that for all intents and purposes is a tic that persists long after the ED medication has cleared the patient's system."

"The unfortunate thing for the patient," continued Jest, "is that the only way to alleviate and somehow mask the tics is through some of the more powerful painkillers.  If the patient can't then avoid the use of the ED medications, the embarrassing tics, consisting of facial gestures and repetitive hand movements can become permanent, and lead to a chronic and persistent erectile dysfunction, and frequently, in severe cases, be accompanied with blindness."

Limbaugh addressed a number of reporters assembled outside of his studio, stating that the continuing stories of his illegal use of prescription drugs and his impotence were groundless.

 

10/26/06 Defiant Maliki Refuses Timetable

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - Struggling Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki yesterday angrily rebuked the United States for attempting to establish any sort of timetable for restoring order to Iraq. He was particularly resistant to any US interventions into how to deal with the growing Mahdi Army of one of his main political supporters, Muqtada al-Sadr. Maliki steadfastly denied being informed of a joint US Iraq raid on Mahdi Army forces yesterday in Sadr city, which many claimed resulted in the deaths of civilians.

"It is the official policy of the American government to not have any timetables where the war on terror is concerned," stated Maliki. "I completely agree with this. Establishing a timetable would do nothing more than provide aid and comfort to the Americans and encourage them to think that they can just 'wait it out'."

The joint American and Iraqi special forces raid was particularly embarrassing and difficult for Maliki in that it targeted a top commander in Muqtada al-Sadr's Mahdi Army who was accused of running a Shiite death squad. Maliki largely owes his ascendancy in Iraq to the support and counsel of the firebrand cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.

Maliki and al-Sadr, at a joint press conference later in the day, encouraged all Iraqi's to have faith and "stay the course" in ongoing conflicts with American forces.

The White House praised Maliki as "the right man" in Iraq, and praised his qualities as "a real decider". They emphasized that they would continue to support him "so long as he continues to make tough decisions."

 

 

10/25/06 Nelson Ends up Mostly Eyeing Harris

Davie, FL (APE) - Republican Representative Katherine Harris, trailing, and badly in need of positive exposure in her first televised debate against Senator Bill Nelson, ended up with the Democratic incumbent and Florida voters, eyeing her for what she offered them.

Harris complained that the questions asked by a panel of journalists failed to address the moral values issues, currently entangling the Republican Party nationwide, for which she had prepared extensively.

"They didn't ask us sex questions... I studied night and day. Didn't ask gay marriage questions... studied night and day. Didn't ask stem cell questions," Harris said. "Studied night and day."

Harris chose to saunter away from her lectern for the entire debate, as she responded to questions, but didn't appear to seriously entice Nelson.

Harris has referred to Nelson as an "impotent liberal" throughout the campaign, but didn't raise the issue at the debate. "How could I have missed not calling him impotent?" a frustrated Harris complained afterwards.

One of the most dramatic exchanges between the candidates occurred as they debated their positions on drilling. Nelson expressed disdain for current plans to tap into the Arctic national wildlife refuge, insisting that America should concentrate on developing alternative fuel sources for its future. Harris stated, "Whatever occurs behind closed doors between a legally married man and woman in the country of Alaska, and, for that matter, anywhere in the United States, is their business."

Harris, with campaign funds dwindling to below one million as compared to 6.8 million for the Nelson campaign, most notably has put her Washington, DC second home up for sale to continue to finance her activities. Harris has stated that this shows the degree of her commitment to winning, and that she will be willing to sell much more in the future, if need be.

 

10/25/06 Breaking: Bush Checks into Political Detox

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Citing an earlier radio broadcast by White House press secretary Tony Snow in which he expressed the Bush Administration's desire to "de-toxify" American politics in its remaining two years in power, President Bush late this evening checked himself into a local Gerald Ford political detox unit. The White House issued a statement saying that Vice President Cheney would assume leadership of the country as the president undergoes treatment.

Critics had long suspected that Mr. Bush was displaying all the classic signs of rhetoricalism.

Speeches from the president in years past had often featured some controlled use of rhetoric, but in the last year, Mr. Bush's speeches had become notably slurred with multiple "stay the course", and "cut and run" references. Friction reportedly developed in the White House, as some close to the president felt that he had clearly become addicted, while others seemed to enable his behavior with a continual supply of increasingly potent phrases. In the recent incident in which Mr. Bush denied ever using the term "stay the course", many felt that his denial was a sure sign of the president's growing addiction to rhetoric.

The White House refused to discuss particulars of the president's condition, but stated that he was in good spirits and was predicting victory over dangerous Democratic terrorists in the upcoming midterm election. Bush will apparently be in treatment for roughly 4 weeks, but the White House refused to release a timetable. A spokesperson for the Gerald Ford clinic stated that the President would be encouraged yet not required to join Rhetorics Anonymous, and begin working a 12 step program designed to help him abandon his self-destructive addiction to rhetoric and accept a higher reality over which he has no control.

 

 

10/22/06 Ken Mehlman Arrested, Charged in Second Recent Terror Hoax

Washington, DC (APE) - FBI agents early today surrounded the Washington, DC suburban home of Republican National Party chairman Ken Mehlman and took him into custody without incident. FBI sources stated that Mehlman will be charged with airing a composite video of Al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden and his lieutenants threatening America. The video suddenly appeared on multiple television stations throughout the United States earlier this week, and the FBI immediately suspected a hoax after last week's Internet dirty bomb threat.

"They just began following the paper and money trail," stated US Attorney Christopher J. Christie. "It was astounding, the millions of dollars that were poured in to finance the perpetration of this hoax. It was an arrogant and stupid thing to do."

Christie refused to comment on suggestions that the conspiracy did not end with Mehlman and possibly reached higher, even into the White House.

"These types of hoaxes scare innocent people, cost business resources and waste valuable homeland security resources," Mr. Christie said. "We cannot tolerate this mass media version of yelling fire in a crowded theater in the post-9/11 era."

Mehlman's arrest comes on the heels of the arrest of Jake J. Brahm, a Wisconsin grocery store worker, who late this week admitted to authorities that he was responsible for the recent internet hoax of threatening to detonate radioactive dirty bombs in seven NFL stadiums. Brahm has maintained that his actions were the result of a bet with a friend. FBI and Justice Department officials refused to state if Mehlman might have been involved in the first hoax as well. Brahm currently faces the possibility of five years in prison and a $250,000 fine if convicted.

Mehlman had not as yet issued a statement and remained in custody. The White House refused to comment, citing the fact that the investigation was ongoing, but stated that it was confident in Mr. Mehlman and felt the entire incident was likely a huge misunderstanding. An anonymous high ranking Bush administration official stated that meetings were underway to come up with new tactics, but that their overall strategy would remain the same. The White House also cautioned that "the stakes remain high", and that America should not drop its guard on the war against terror.

Al-Jazeera late today released a transcript of a message purportedly from Al-Quaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden in which he responded to the hoax. Bin Laden reportedly said simply, "My name is Osama Bin Laden and I approve of these messages."

 

10/22/06 Cheney Urinal a Hit in DC Area Bars

Washington, DC (O! Online) - Neuhold Gerhard, the owner/distributor of a set of controversial urinals, which had recently been removed from public toilets around the Vienna Opera House in Vienna Austria has apparently re-introduced them in a number of local Washington, DC area bars. Austrians had complained of the urinals as being "sexist and inappropriate" and they were quietly removed this weekend from a public toilet near Vienna's national Opera.

"After the pictures of the toilets appeared online," stated Gerhard, "I was approached by a couple of entrepreneurs to make a couple of slight modifications. We FedExed the results overnight, and we seem to have a hit on our hands."

One DC bar owner, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that beer and mixed drink sales had skyrocketed over the weekend, as male patrons, apparently clamored to use the facilities. "We did have some problems initially with some people misusing the facilities," the bar owner stated, "but that behavior has petered out somewhat. The initial misuse of the new toilets, gave us an idea, and we are currently in talks with Neuhold Gerhard Ltd. to possibly introduce a Bush bidet for the women's facilities."

The bar owner concluded, "We initially were afraid that the Cheney urinal might provoke some outrage like what happened in Austria, but so far, the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. I have even had some long-standing Republican patrons thank me and give a thumbs up afterward."  The owner stated that the units have functioned very well thus far, but are prone to leaking occasionally.

 

10/20/06 Bush Campaigns Hard for Allen, Sherwood during "National Character Counts Week"

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Perhaps in an effort to reverse the ill effect that he is having on Republican candidates nationwide, President Bush yesterday made appearances on behalf of Representative Don Sherwood of Pennsylvania and Senator George Allen of Virginia. Appearing during the president's proclaimed "National Character Counts Week", analysts speculated that Bush may be hoping the two Republicans character might become associated with him and further defuse a national crisis for the GOP's midterm election hopes.

With the president's disapproval ratings in most polls hovering in the mid-30s, and the majority of Americans expressing extreme dissatisfaction over his handling of the occupation of Iraq, the White House seemed to be trying to refocus the public on what they consider the president's strong points; personal integrity and his ability to judge character.

Bush made an appearance with Sherwood in Pennsylvania, accompanied by his wife Carol and daughter Maria. Sherwood, notably, had been recently accused of attempting to strangle a younger mistress that he had been seeing in a five-year affair, a charge that he has adamantly denied. "She slipped, and I tried to catch her," Sherwood has stated, claiming that his wife has forgiven him and praised him for his gallantry.

On instructions from the president pool photographers documented "a little family-style, eating ice cream." Sherwood's wife, Carol was noted to be touching the side of her softserve cone to her cheek. When asked about this by reporters, she stated, "Oh, it's nothing. I just bumped my cheek, a little bit... when we were getting off of Air Force One."

Bush later made an appearance at a fund raiser in Richmond Virginia with Senator George Allen. On a flag adorned stage, the president praised Allen for his character and "his steadfast nature through adversity."

Bush cited the example set by Susan Allen in a mass mailing letter sent out last week to district voters in defense of her husband. Responding to a number of issues that have surfaced in the Allen campaign, Ms. Allen stated: "I am certainly not condoning the tons of mistakes George has made, but I'm not going to dwell on them either... we do not believe in flogging dead monkeys or severed dear heads or extolling the glories of the past. It's time that everybody forgot all about this, and that is exactly what I'm hoping they'll do."

"I read Susan Allen's letter," stated Bush at the reception, "I was deeply moved by her words. Susan's letter shows what a patient and principled man her husband is."

The president then made a gift of a live Macaque, apparently spirited from the National Zoo, to Senator and Mrs. Allen. Bush joked: "Coming from a man who's compared to a monkey all the time... well... sometimes a macaca is just a monkey."

When asked whether the White House would be successful in transferring some of the moral character exemplified by Allen and Sherwood to the shoulders of Bush, White House press secretary Tony Snow said: "I'm just not going to comment on it."

 

 

10/19/06 "The Horde of the Bling", a Ricky Santorum Production

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE HORDE!

 

10/18/06 Breaking: Mark Foley Names His Past Abuser from the Clergy, Fred Phelps

Lake Worth, FL (APE) - In a stunning announcement from an undisclosed rehab facility, disgraced Florida Congressman Mark Foley today allowed his personal lawyer to reveal the identity of his childhood abuser. Reading from a brief statement, Foley's lawyer claimed that Foley had been sexually molested on three separate occasions during a Lake Worth Catholic summer camp by the now 75-year-old Reverend Fred Phelps, who, at the time, was serving as a camp counselor during a summer break from his brief studies at Bob Jones University in South Carolina.

Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church church offices could not be reached for comment, as the congregation was in the midst of secret plans for another anti-gay protest of a funeral for a returning American casualty of the war in Iraq.

Foley's lawyer refused to provide many details surrounding the three purported incidents, except to state that Foley claims to remember vividly the white cowboy hat, and Phelps insistence upon playing a game he called "rodeo". Foley claimed to have a "branding" scar as proof of the sadistic games which Phelps insisted upon.

Congressional Republicans who were contacted offered sympathy towards Foley, and lauded his courage for being able to finally step forwards. Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert of Illinois, stated, "I hope that the press will be able to take a clearer look at the situation now. I certainly hope that the Reverend's past history of democratic political activity won't be brushed aside."

Hastert stated that he was considering opening Congressional hearings into the past and current activities of Phelps and his congregation.

 

 

10/18/06 Skilling Considering Death after Overturn of Lay Conviction

Houston, Texas (APE) - Lawyers for convicted Enron felon Jeffrey Skilling admitted today that rather than pursue a long drawn out appeal, he was considering death as an option to avoid further prosecution and civil charges over his role in the collapse of Enron. They stated that Skilling had taken into consideration the best interests of himself and his family after witnessing the dismissal of charges today against fellow convicted conspirator and former boss Kenneth Lay after his untimely death on vacation in Colorado.

Local authorities were not put on a suicide watch as lawyers assured them that Skilling was simply considering an offshore death declaration for tax and legal purposes.

Federal authorities stated that there was little they could do should Skilling's legal team pursue having him declared legally dead via a coroner's mailbox drop in Aruba.

Skilling's legal team was already researching the possibility of a reversal of the conviction of their client, citing the unconstitutionality of imprisonment of the deceased.

The offshore death shelter scheme proposed by Skilling's legal defense team has become increasingly popular with the newly enriched of America thanks to tax cuts that the Bush administration is seeking to make permanent. Islands such as the Arubas and the Bahamas, which have long been tax shelters for the wealthy and famous, are seeing an increase in tourist travel, and visits to the coroners of key cities have quadrupled. Of note, President George W. Bush has become perhaps the latest to pursue a death shelter in the South American country of Paraguay with a multimillion dollar land purchase and a rumored death certificate in hand, citing alcoholic cirrhosis as a cause of death.

Republican congressional leaders have cited this trend as all the more reason to push for their proposed revocation of inheritance taxes, or, as they have preferred to refer to them, "death taxes". "It is truly a sad state of affairs in this country," stated anti-tax activist Grover Norquist, "when some of the best and brightest in America must consider an untimely death rather than face the prospect of accountability."

 

 

10/17/06 Bush Signs Interrogation Legislation, Issues Signing Statement

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush today signed into law controversial legislation which allows the United States to thumb its nose at conventional definitions of torture established by the Geneva Convention and admit into evidence the fruits of extreme interrogation as well as hearsay. Praising the bill as a landmark historic moment in the war on terror, Bush also issued a traditional signing statement designed to widen the definition of "enemy combatant".

Citing the case of American citizen Mohammed Munaf, currently being held under a death sentence by Iraqi authorities, Bush stressed the need for widespread dissemination of this legislation into domestic law enforcement. "Without the ability to introduce hearsay," stated Bush, "this terrorist killer might have gone free. The growing immoral minority of defeatist terrorist sympathizers within the Democratic Party and America need to understand that there will be severe consequences for their actions. This is a war that I'm committed to winning at all costs."

In one of his longest signing statements to date, Bush outlined his own personal definitions for being declared as an enemy combatant. They included anti-government protests, derogatory websites, inflammatory T-shirts, and more importantly, suspicions from trusted friends and neighbors. Bush also outlined a major overhaul of the U.S. Constitution over his final two years in office with the support of the Supreme Court.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow explained afterwards, "The war on terror has expanded and it's becoming a little harder to tell if we're actually winning or not. Enemy propaganda has become incredibly sophisticated and has made some inroads into collective unconscious thought. These are just the tools that we will need to be able to stave off the threats to our country."

 

 

10/16/06 Bush Declares State of Hawaii Disaster Area

Honolulu, Hawaii (APE) - Flying aboard Air Force One overnight, President Bush made a surprise visit to the 50th state to inspect personally the damages from yesterday's 6.5 magnitude earthquake and subsequent aftershocks. He met briefly with Hawaiian governor, Linda Lingle, promising whatever resources the state needed to avoid a Katryna-like disaster. Miraculously, no one seems to have died from the powerful quake at this point, and the majority of people have been able to return fairly rapidly to their homes.

Bush announced that in a further safeguard to make sure that this disaster was handled appropriately, he was reappointing Michael Brown as a special assistant to homeland security Secretary Michael Chertoff. The administration felt that Brown would bring infinite experience to the unfolding disaster.

Brown immediately announced a massive relief effort funded by the government, which would likely require commandeering of cruise lines, based in Los Angeles and other ports along the West Coast. FEMA immediately began taking bids from appropriate, faith-based and Republican spearheaded relief organizations. "Brownie has arranged a heck of a relief effort for anyone interested," stated Bush.

The White House stated that the president would likely extend his inspection tour over the next week, conducting the business of state from a military facility located within Diamond Head, just outside of Honolulu.

Plans for the following day include an inspection tour by bike of the damage sustained to Haleakala National Park on nearby Maui. On the next day, Bush will inspect damages sustained to the local tourism industry with an in-depth inspection of how, in particular, the deep sea fishing industry has been affected. The evening will finish with a memorial fundraising luau for both the victims of the earthquake and Governor Lingle's reelection campaign.

 

 

10/15/06 Hawaiian Quake Triggers North Korean Security Alert

Pyongyang, North Korea (Rotters) - North Korean state television KRT this evening reported that North Korea went on a heightened state of alert after what it claimed was a nuclear test centered on the northwestern shore of Hawaii. The state run television system stated that the North Korean ambassador would be filing a complaint with the United Nations and seeking sanctions against the US on Monday.

The Bush administration, while admitting that the US possessed weapons that were perfectly capable of the readings apparently obtained by North Korea, denied that any such nuclear tests had taken place.

North Korean President for life, Kim Jong-Il, went further, accusing President Bush and the United States of attempting to create a tsunami, which would have a devastating effect upon the coast of North Korea. Jong-Il hinted that North Korea's top secret Mo-Dung missile was capable of reaching Hawaii in retaliation.

Hawaiians, in the meantime, began to dig themselves out from what appeared to be a magnitude 6.5 earthquake. White House spokesperson Tony Snow again assured the public that the leaked top secret program, "Divine Pineapple" had nothing to do with the earthquake early Sunday morning.

Spokespersons for the White House also assured government officials in Hawaii that FEMA had plans in place for dealing with the crisis. Former FEMA head Michael Brown was reportedly already in transit to assess the situation and would be reporting to the President and Homeland security chief Michael Chertoff.

 

 

10/15/06 Fox Inc. Acquires Google and You-Tube in Stealth Takeover

Mountain View, CA (APE) - Google corporate headquarters today announced that it had been acquired over the weekend in a stealth takeover bid by Rupert Murdoch's Fox Inc for an undisclosed combination of cash and stock. With the acquisition of Google, Murdoch has cornered the Internet, in regards to amateur video distribution and search engine technology.

Google most recently had acquired You Tube.com in a $1.65 billion offering, and with Murdoch's recent acquisition of My Space.com he stands to corner the market in internet video sharing. Google had already become Fox network's online advertising agent for My Space, Fox TV and Fox interactive, and its acquisition sets the stage for millions in savings for Murdoch interests.

A spokesperson for Murdoch stated that fans of the search engine should expect the rollout of a faster, slimmed down, new and improved version called GOPle in the coming weeks. The search engine will pare down significantly, the available sources for news items, concentrating almost exclusively on content available from Fox Inc. Other news outlets, for a fee, will be allowed to add content to GOPle, subject to review by Fox editorial staff.

Fox incorporated anticipated no downsizing or layoffs as a result of the merger, and a spokesperson stated that the staff was looking forward to the challenge of bringing fair and balanced Internet searching to the public. They also pledged to remove all existing obstacles to cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security, in regards to making individual searches available to appropriate authorities.

Future plans for the new GOPle search engine include the resurrection of the user friendly "Ask Jeeves" once made popular by Ask.com. The new feature will be called "Ask O'Reilly" in which Fox's popular Bill O'Reilly will take the place of Jeeves, the Butler. Searchers will have their results replaced at random by insults from the right wing commentator, which it is felt will make online searches more enjoyable and increase utilization of GOPle.

 

10/13/06 Bush Crucified in New Book, "Tempting Faith"

Washington, DC (APE) - "Just get me a F---ing Faith-Based thing. Got it?!?" said chief presidential adviser Karl Rove to Bush aide Don Willet in 2001, according to the new book, Tempting Faith, by David Kuo. The book is scheduled to be released in print on Monday, but quotations from advanced copies have the White House screaming about Democratic political machinations, three weeks before the elections.

Kuo, a fundamentalist conservative Republican who was a former insider with the administration's largely unfunded Faith Based Initiatives, also claims that the Bush administration regularly referred to its evangelical supporters as "goofy" and "nuts". He also offered evidence that rumors of the administration's use of code words and phrases as well as visual symbolism, to placate its base during public appearances were in fact true.

The White House early this morning went on the offensive at a press conference with Press Secretary Tony Snow. Snow described charges set forth in the book as "bordering upon blasphemous", and accused Kuo of being a "Judas of the highest order".

"To accuse this president of such a cynical lack of faith ought to be a mortal sin," stated Snow. "With the coming elections, only three weeks away, I can honestly say that this entire administration has been praying together almost daily."

"I personally admire President Bush for his ability to turn the other cheek, during these times of adversity," continued Snow. "He in fact had predicted that this turn of events would occur, with his ultimate betrayal. He wants to assure everyone, however, that despite the outcome of the election in November, his administration will rise again in the hearts and minds of true believers in America."

Conservative religious activist James Dobson, who was cited in the book, was contacted for comment. A spokesperson for Mr. Dobson stated that the Reverend had made a decision to "wash his hands of the entire incident".

 

 

10/13/06 Angry Bush Announces Sanctions against Brits over Threats to Withdraw Forces

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The morning after scathing criticisms from the British, in regards to the prison at Guantánamo Bay and threats to withdraw all troops from Iraq, an angry President Bush stated that there would be "severe repercussions" should the British follow through with their threats.

"It has always been the policy of this administration to resolve differences through diplomatic channels," stated Bush in a hastily arranged morning press conference, "but all options will remain on the table. I don't know about in Britain, but here, we can shoot deserters. The world needs to know that they have nuclear weapons and must not be allowed to terrorize those that they disagree with." Bush was responding to a question from a reporter asking if nuclear strikes had been considered.

The British announcement of its desire to withdraw from Iraq comes on the heels of the U.S. Army's latest plans for maintaining its current troop strength through 2010. An armed services spokesperson stated that while it had met recruitment goals for 2006 it would be hard pressed to make up for the loss of British boots on the ground.

In a report issued earlier this week, the Army boasted of meeting its recruitment goals despite the growing American distaste for the occupation of Iraq. It reluctantly admitted that it had done so by lowering established academic, mental health, and legal standards.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld defended the change in standards for the all volunteer armed services. "The majority of the problems that we are still seeing in Iraq and Afghanistan are a result of zealous dead enders with a lot of time on their hands," stated Rumsfeld. "We've succeeded in arming them and getting them into uniforms, but they just haven't played by the rules. Sometimes the best policy is to lead by example. If we can succeed in recruiting dead enders here, then we can have them fight theirs over there... sort of like killing two birds with one IED, if you will."

Britain's top military commander, General Richard Dannatt, in an interview with the British newspaper the Daily Mail refused to say if the US Defense Department's new policies had weighed into his insistence for the withdrawal of British troops. "We have got to stand together with our American allies. But I want to go on the record publicly as saying that we don't need to be standing head and shoulders above them," he said.

 

 

10/11/06 Bush Finishes Third behind Clinton and Hastert in Annual DC Husband Carrying Competition

Washington, DC (APE) - Thousands turned out for the annual "Husband Carrying Competition" on the Mall in Washington, DC this past weekend. The annual race, featuring national leaders from both parties is held for charity every year, and this year's proceeds went towards a fund established to help defray the expenses of counseling and psychotherapy for congressional pages.

This year, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton finished first with her husband, former President Bill Clinton, successfully navigating obstacles and enduring the weight of her spouse throughout the course in record time.

Rules for the competition are such that partners don't need to be married. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert made an appearance with Florida Representative Mark Foley, who had briefly left rehab to participate in the event. Spectators were stunned and horrified as Hastert early on collapsed, out of breath, under the weight of Foley. To the applause of those present, Foley quickly hefted Hastert, onto his back, reversing their roles in completing the course in a wild second-place finish.

First Lady Laura Bush, with husband President George Bush in tow finished a very close third. Many present felt that the First Lady had a real shot at winning the competition, but was hampered by the backseat driving of Mr. Bush, who was heard repeatedly yelling, "Stay the course! Stay the course! "

 

 

10/11/06 Suspected Second North Korean Nuclear Test Not Linked to Quake

Tokyo, Japan (Rotters) - Tokyo scientists early this morning stated that after a review of the data, a small earthquake in the north of Japan did not account for the tracing ascribed to a possible second North Korean nuclear blast. They now claim that the faint tremors were different from the small earth quake, and did, in actuality, originate from the same location that North Korea earlier on Monday claimed to have detonated a nuclear device.

The faint, largely undetected shock waves on Wednesday were several orders of magnitude below those detected on Monday following North Korea's reputed nuclear test. Critics have debated the magnitude of the initial shockwaves on Monday, largely stating that they revealed a very small yield nuclear explosion at best, or more likely a failed experiment.

The North Korean government has remained close lipped in regards to details on either purported blast, but insists that it now has nuclear capabilities and has intimated that it could possibly launch a nuclear tipped missile.

An anonymous CIA source today stated that the agency now believes that the Monday test was indeed a "dud". They stated that undercover sources within the North Korean government claimed that charismatic leader Kim Jong-Il was very visibly upset over the failure of the device, on Monday, and on Wednesday went into a tantrum over the news of announced unilateral sanctions by the United States, and the failure of scientists to produce a second test in a timely manner. CIA sources speculated that this tantrum may have indeed been what was detected by supersensitive Japanese monitoring devices.

Late Tuesday, the United States announced unilateral sanctions against North Korea designed to punish its leadership rather than its downtrodden and impoverished population. Major US corporations have announced voluntary boycotts of marketing in North Korea at the request of the US government. Upjohn, the manufacturer of Rogaine will cease all sales and imports to the country, as will Jack Daniels Inc. Also, the international men's hair restoration companies Hair Club for Men and Avacor-USA will cease all activities with the country.

A spokesman for North Korea speaking through a Beijing-based official stated "Sanctions are nonsense. But if the United States insists on following through with this, Kim Jong-Il will consider it a declaration of war."

 

 

10/09/06 USS George Bush Sent Back to Dry-dock after Allen Political Stunt

Newport News, VA (APE) - Virginia Senator George Allen apologized profusely for his failed addition to the festivities of the dedication of the USS George Bush aircraft carrier yesterday in Newport News. As surprise entertainment, Allen had the popular stunt car General Lee attempt to make a landing on board the flat top. Instead, the bow of the aircraft carrier wound up being christened by a 1969 Dodge Charger instead of a bottle of champagne.

The car's stunt driver was immediately airlifted to a Norfolk emergency room and was initially declared in serious but stable condition.

The senator's office insisted that the stunt was well-intentioned, and an attempt to add some "southern hospitality" to the ceremony. "The senator just wanted to add his little some-something to the festivities," insisted a senator's office spokesperson.

A Naval spokesperson stated that the carrier would return to drydock today for further damage inspections. At present, it was felt that there was no structural damage suffered by the carrier, and that only orange paint would need to be removed for cosmetic purposes.

The White House expressed sympathy for Allen and the failed entertainment, recognizing that he was in a very close reelection race. The Bush family was apparently debating having the return to the drydock canceled, and leaving the faint impression of the rebel flag on the bow as a show of support.

 

10/08/06 GUANTANAMO: THE MUSICAL

CLICK HERE TO SEE GUANTANAMO!

 

10/07/06 OH DENNY BOY

Oh Denny Boy, Oh Cripes, Oh Cripes yer fallin’

You sinned the sin, and let Mark Foley slide

You blunder on, with all your powers… lying

That you, you didn’t know… your shame you now must hide.

 

Your scum attacks with slimy innuendo

You rally Rush, send spite through Tony Snow

They’ll cast despair opining on foreshadows

Oh Denny Boy, Oh Denny Boy, you got to go.

 

And when you’re done with all the sour crying

And not the head, o’er fed on swell lobbies

You’ll be enshrined, encased with all the dying

And keel o’er and say “Oy Vey! The GOP…”

 

Then we shall rear, throw off misleds around ye

And all your screams will warn the bitter freed

That you’ve all failed to sell us Bush’s misery

We’ll simply heap caprice on Rove and ye.

 

We’ll simply heap caprice on Rove and ye.

 

 

10/06/06 Karr Child Pornography Charges Dismissed, Tapped to Complete Foley's Term

Palm Beach, FL (Rotters) -John Mark Karr, the former suspect in the JonBenet Ramsey killing had all charges against him concerning child pornography dismissed in California yesterday due to lack of evidence. Karr was immediately flown to Florida, where he was endorsed by the Bush administration as a successor to recently disgraced, Florida representative Mark Foley.

Reading from a prepared statement in Palm Beach this morning, Karr, a former schoolteacher, stated that he was pleased to have his reputation cleared, and was looking forward to filling the shoes of Representative Foley. He stated that, in a way, he felt responsible for the behavior of Foley and was anxious to make amends. He stated that he was excited to be given the opportunity to mentor the upcoming class of Congressional Pages.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales appeared with Karr to validate the findings of the Santa Rosa judge who had dismissed all charges the day before. Gonzales stated that Karr would be merely finishing out Foley's remaining term and that decisions to retain the office and seek election would be up to him (Karr).

Karr later met informally with President Bush, who was making a campaign fund-raising appearance for underdog incumbent Florida representative, Katherine Harris. They discussed ways in which Karr might be able to bolster flagging support for President Bush's controversial No Child Left Behind program.

 

 

10/05/06 Hastert Unhurt after Freakish Bus Accident outside of Capitol Building

Washington, DC (APE) - Authorities are describing house Speaker Dennis Hastert's survival of a bus accident just outside the Capitol building early this morning, as miraculous. They stated that the speaker had only lost his glasses as a result of the encounter. Medical personnel also stated that recent experimental radiology treatments to address a skin infection probably contributed to saving the congressman's life.

Hastert, visibly shaken, spoke briefly to assembled reporters, along with fellow congressmen, John Shimkus and John Boehner who apparently might have been witness to the incident. All three, on advice of counsel, refused to discuss the particulars of the incident, but stated that they were part of a larger group of 40 Republican leaders that were meeting that morning to discuss possible solutions to the political scandal currently enveloping the Republican Party.

"I'm OK, " stated an outwardly stoical Hastert, 'It's not blubbering time..."

The charter bus was totaled in the incident, and, in another miracle, apparently no one was injured. The bus was full of Republican operatives and fundraisers, dispatched to buttress congressional and senatorial races nationwide in a last ditch offensive, prior to the coming November midterm elections.

Authorities investigating the causes of the accident immediately dismissed the suggestion that Hastert himself had intentionally walked in front of the bus, in connection to recent pressures for the congressman to resign his position as speaker of the House in wake of the growing scandal surrounding Florida Congressman Mark Foley. They stated that Hastert, on the contrary, seemed glad to be alive, and a little angered by the incident.

The Greyhound driver, a seasoned veteran, a Mr. R. Kramden of Brooklyn New York, was interviewed and stated that he was thankful that no one was injured given the extent of damage to the bus. Kramden stated that he had been advised by Capitol Police against discussing openly the specific circumstances surrounding the accident.

"We had just loaded up and departed," stated Kramden. "The group on board was pretty happy and excited... you would have thought they were on a honeymoon or something. Maybe I was a little distracted by the commotion... and then out of the corner of my eye, there was this big group of people... and bang, zoom! Honeymoon over..."

"I've been through DC before," continued Kramden, "and you're always really careful. There is no telling what you might see that people have thrown out in the streets here."

Congressmen Boehner and Shimkus expressed relief over Hastert's welfare, but refused to comment on their physical proximity to the incident.

 

 

10/02/06 Videos Shows 9/11 Defenders Months before Attacks

Washington, DC (APE) - September 11 defender, Condoleezza Rice smiles and jokes around in a video released for the first time against White House wishes, appearing with President Bush in what is apparently the second image of the two together with a controversial CIA briefing.

A previously widely published photograph of Rice has shown her with a presidential daily brief purportedly dealing with Al Qaeda threats at the president's ranch in Crawford just weeks before the 9/11 attacks. The newly released video, without sound, implies that the president was made aware of the gravity of the situation, months before the attacks, but may have become distracted by the presentation from Ms. Rice.

Rice insisted that she had no recollections of the meeting. "I don't know that this meeting took place... what I am quite certain of is that (it) was not a meeting in which I refused to respond to the president's wishes and concerns," Stated Rice. "The idea that the president could have somehow ignored me, I find, incomprehensible."

 

09/30/06 Florida Representative Foley Arrested on Return to Palm Beach

Palm Beach, FL (Rotters) - Florida Congressional Representative Mark Foley was arrested by federal authorities upon his return to his home district in Palm Beach Florida, late last night. He has been charged as a sexual predator for inappropriate e-mail messages sent to a 16-year-old male congressional page. Foley has reportedly been cooperating with authorities but has angrily denied the charges stating, "I did not have virtual sex with that young man."

The initial story of the sexualized e-mails was broken by ABC news late last night in conjunction with the weekend end of cycle bad news dump, but the story shows no evidence of disappearing over the weekend.

Further charges of complicity appeared to be surfacing, in regards to Republicans House Speaker Dennis Hastert, and Majority Leader John Boehner who appeared to have had knowledge of Foley's activities and circumvented congressional disciplinary committees in place to deal with such matters. Both today adamantly denied any interventions upon Foley's behalf and lauded the representative from Florida for his action in resigning his position yesterday. "The fact that my formerly esteemed colleague has been called to the carpet is further evidence of the effectiveness and necessity of the warrantless wiretapping bill for the security of America that we will be handing to the president, next week," stated Hastert.

Hastert and Boehner praised Foley for his years of service, and his work at promoting legislation against child predators, but stopped short of defending his behavior with the 16-year-old page. Both professed ignorance to Foley's activities, earlier in the year as they had presented them with an award for his efforts in a mentorship program for congressional pages.

In a related story, conservative bloggers have uncovered and published the name and address of the congressional page in question in an effort to force him to come forwards and confess his degree of complicity in what they describe as the online seduction of representative Foley.

 

09/28/06 White House Pronounces Musharraf, Karzai, Bush Dinner Meeting a Success

Washington, DC (APE) - Billed as an event that might have descended into international slapstick, the White House today announced that President Bush's dinner meeting last night with Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai and Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf went off without a hitch. White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated that the president had become further impressed with his two allies, describing them as a couple of very "wise guys".

The evening began with the three leaders discussing highly classified plans for the war against Al Qaeda over drinks. The only tense situation occurred when Afghan President Karzai almost disclosed the secret location of Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, but he was quickly and politely muffled by Bush and Musharraf. The White House described the meeting overall as very cordial otherwise, and filled with much of the exaggerated nuances in body language that they had expected.

In typical Bush administration tradition, Bush early on assigned nicknames to both leaders, and referred to them as "Pervey" and "Karzey" throughout the evening.

"The little spat over the location of Bin Laden almost got a little nyucky," stated Snow, "but they all three settled down quickly and discuss future plans for Middle East democracy over a friendly game of pool."

"It was a wonderful evening," concluded Snow, "in which nothing was thrown or broken, and nobody got hurt. All three pledged renewed efforts at promoting peace and transitioning illicit oppressive regimes towards democracy throughout the Middle East with the use of irony and humor."

 

09/27/06 Cheney Wrests Control from Bush in Bloodless Coup over Concerns of Rampant Defeatism

Washington, DC (APE) - The United States of America early this morning, became the second democracy to fall victim to a bloodless coup in the past month, following closely in the footsteps of the military coup in Thailand. Details are sketchy at present, but at apparently 6 a.m. this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney wrested control of the presidency from the 43rd President George W. Bush.

White House spokespersons urged the American public to remain calm during a time of necessary transition. They stated that President Cheney would likely be making a statement to the public later in the morning after necessary security measures had been taken. Tanks were seen patrolling barricaded streets in downtown Washington, and had assumed defensive positions around the White House itself.

Cheney spoke briefly to a handful of selected Fox News reporters and photographers from an undisclosed location. He announced that his personal assistant, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, would be assuming temporarily the position of Vice President.

"Sadly, the rumors of the president's growing mental instability are true," stated Cheney. "There has been a progressive decline in function, but he has noticeably deteriorated over the past week, as evidenced by his release of a highly classified national intelligence estimate to the public yesterday. In my capacity as vice president, I found it necessary to act aggressively at that point in the best interests of the security of America. I take no pleasure in assuming the mantle of the leader of the free world, but it is my sworn duty."

Cheney described the damage done by the recent leaks of the NIE as "incalculable" in the ongoing war on terror, and vowed that everyone involved would be "hunted down and punished to the fullest extent of the law."

President Bush was seen in handcuffs and shackles, leaving a side exit to the undisclosed location. "I am the president, and this is just wrong," he shouted, interspersed with fits of profanity. Bush was rapidly placed in the presidential limousine, and the heavily escorted motorcade sped away. White House sources refuse to comment on the disposition of Mr. Bush.

Cheney went on to state that both houses of Congress would likely be dissolved over the next few days in light of its failure to expedite needed measures in the ongoing war against terror. He promised free elections in the newly reformed government as soon as humanly possible when terrorist threats to America throughout the world had been completely dealt with. "This cancer of defeatism will be surgically removed from around the heart of America," stated Cheney.

"To Mr. Ahmadinejad and Mr. Jong Il," stated Cheney, "consider yourselves on immediate notice. You have exactly one week to cease-and-desist with all activities which we have deemed a threat to the United States, or face nuclear consequences."

The whereabouts of administration officials who had been close to the president was not immediately known. Rumors indicated that presidential assistant Karl Rove and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice were still at large and in hiding. Donald Rumsfeld apparently remained in charge at the Pentagon.

 

 

09/26/06 Allen Campaign Pushes Back Aggressively against Racism Charges

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In what appears to be a dramatic reversal in strategy from the George Allen Senatorial reelection campaign, Senator Allen, this morning stepped forwards and admitted that he had indeed used the "n-word" in the past, and with some frequency in the present times. He insisted that charges that this has been done in a malicious or racist intent were just "ludicrously false". He wrote off his previous denials to bad campaign advice, and vowed to set the record straight.

Allen's reversal comes in the wake of multiple assertions from past friends and acquaintances within the past week, who have come forward to recount their recollections of Allen's usage of the racial epithet.

Of note, Allen, as well, has recently had to admit and embrace his mother's Jewish upbringing, of which he insists that he was not aware.

"This really changes nothing," stated Allen. "If anything, it gives me greater freedom to present the voters my true character and have them decide for themselves. If former President Clinton can admit on national TV that he made a mistake by not killing Osama Bin Laden, then this is a small but significant contribution by comparison to furthering the cause of honesty in politics. To those who have already begun to discount me in this race, I would counter that I have amassed a huge amount of political bling from my constituents in Virginia, and I'm going to cash it in."

 

 

09/26/06 Bin Laden Niece Demands Access to His CIA Pension Plan

New York, NY (APE) - CNN news is reporting, in an exclusive interview, that singer-songwriter Wafa Dufor, the niece of Al Qaeda head Osama Bin Laden is demanding that the CIA grant her access to Bin Laden's retirement and pension plan with the agency as Bin Laden's survivor. Dufor insisted that the rumors of Bin Laden's death had been confirmed and that she now wanted to have the CIA honor its commitments to agency family members in regards to pension, retirement, and death benefits.

Dufor produced documents showing that Bin Laden had early on taken advantage of retirement packages offered by the CIA upon his enlistment as a mujahedin in the 1980s in the efforts against the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan. Her calculations indicated that Bin Laden had done well with an aggressive portfolio targeted towards early retirement, which had significantly outperformed most investment firms.

CIA chief, Michael Hayden was interviewed, and commented that the agency was performing a full review of Dufor's claims. He insisted, however that any disbursement would first be weighed against claims resulting from the ongoing war on terror and the original 9/11 World Trade Center attack. He expressed optimism that the magnitude of the accumulated funds involved might be sufficient to satisfy the interests of all parties, including Dufor.

In possibly related news, in a quiet ceremony this morning, another star was carved into the CIA's wall of secrecy.

 

 

09/25/06 Clinton Detained by Fox Security in Wake of Wallace Interview

New York, NY (Rotters) - Former President Bill Clinton was detained outside of his New York City office after a brief scuffle in which his small Secret Service detail was overwhelmed by a greater number of Fox Network Security personnel. His detention comes a day after his lambasting of Fox news anchor Chris Wallace on "Fox news Sunday".

In the interview with Wallace, Clinton aggressively defended his record on terrorism against what he described as a coordinated right-wing conservative attack launched two weeks ago through an ABC fictional movie "The Path the 9/11" which was followed closely and elaborated upon by Rupert Murdoch's Fox news network.

Fox News adamantly denied the allegations of conspiracy and stated that they were in discussions with Alberto Gonzales and the Department of Justice about how best to proceed with possible charges against the former president. Fox News described the former president's behavior as "sadly scurrilous, and bordering upon slander". Fox Security stated that the Justice Department would be investigating the possibility of charging the president with "aiding and comforting the enemy" through his nationally televised tirade, which also called into question the actions of the Bush administration.

"My heart really goes out to Chris," stated popular Fox Network celebrity Bill O'Reilly. "You really do take a chance when you bring some of these far left nut jobs on to your show. But, Chris is young, and I think he's probably learned something from all of this. And to the former president Clinton, and I use that term loosely, I say to you sir, "Have you no sense of decency?" Show some respect for the office that you used to hold. A conspiracy? This is America, sir, and let this be a lesson to you and all of your left wing terrorist sympathizer friends that the reputation of Fox News is not one to be trifled with. Olbermann, I hope you're watching."

Fox Security refused to disclose the location of Mr. Clinton, stating only that the former president was cooperating at this point, and it was uncertain whether he would be turned over to federal authorities.

 

09/23/06 Bush Confirms Death of Osama Bin Laden

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush early this morning confirmed rumors of the death of Osama bin Laden, stating that, reluctantly, Bin Laden had died at the hands of foreign interrogators, not affiliated with the CIA. Bush stated that the CIA had been working fairly closely with the unnamed foreign government agency, but assumed no responsibilities for the treatment of Bin Laden.

Bush displayed pictures of the deceased bin Laden and stated that the body would be released to family members in time for full respect of Muslim burial customs, perhaps seeking to soften an anticipated backlash from Islamic extremists.

Rumors of Bin Laden's death had been spreading among major news associations today, citing sources from Saudi Arabia and France who had suggested that he had died earlier this month from typhus. The White House stated that it was simply trying to keep the record straight, while critics pointed to the announcement as possibly an effort to rebuke criticism over the administration's perceived lack of concern over Bin Laden and Al Qaeda prior to this November's coming election.
 


"While this administration does not condone torture of any type," stated Bush, "this evil killer seems to have gotten what he deserved... the Lord, or Allah works in mischievous ways. This just further illustrates the need for Congress to whip into shape and pass this administration's anti-terror legislation. Who knows what kind of useful information we could have gotten from him if his interrogation had been done right."

Bush brushed off questions of the announcement as being an anticipated "October Surprise" for the coming elections. "Well, he didn't really last until October, now did he?" Bush quipped with reporters, "We finally got number one, and we're looking forward to the next one... bring 'em on."

The administration refused to answer questions as to how long Bin Laden had been in the custody of the unnamed foreign security agency, or what, if any information, Bin Laden had given up, citing security concerns.

 

09/08/06 ABC Announces Last-Minute Cartoon Intermission for "Path to 9/11"



New York, NY (AP) - ABC corporate headquarters today announced a last-minute change to its controversial "dramat-o-mentary", The Path to 9/11. Executives stated that they stand firmly behind the pseudo-factuality of the five hour movie scheduled to be aired this coming Sunday and Monday nights, and that the minor changes requested by the offices former President Bill Clinton would not be put into effect. They reiterated their determination to broadcast the piece it's entirety, despite the cited historical example of CBS pulling its controversial four hour movie on the Reagans in 2003 after similar complaints from conservatives.

ABC executives did announce, however, that after advanced screenings, they had elected to insert a brief noncommercial intermission in the middle of both nights episodes, after complaints of the length of the movie from test audiences. Audiences had also complained about the intensity and suspension of disbelief required when viewing the film.

ABC stated that it had elected to air a re-mastered classic Walt Disney cartoon from its parent corporation, Disney productions. Entitled  "Swiftboat Bobbie". The cartoon debuts the character Robbie Rat, who later went on to become Disney's beloved Mickey Mouse.

ABC executives stated that this was purely their decision, and feedback from over 900 Republican reviewers was overwhelmingly positive for the inclusion of the cartoon short. It was felt that it served as a nice break from the intensity of the film, and a nice counterbalance to the weighty issues considered.

 

09/07/06 Paris Hilton Ticketed for DUC in Los Angeles



Los Angeles, CA (O! Online) - Paris Hilton was briefly arrested early Thursday for investigation of driving under celibacy, police said. A police spokesperson stated that Hilton was stopped because she was "driving erotically" and plans were to charge her with a DUC.

A Breathalyzer test was also administered and Hilton registered at the minimum blood-alcohol level of .08% for California. Police stated that they were weighing the possibility of also charging Hilton with a DUI as well.

"Officers observed that Hilton exhibited symptoms of infatuation," stated the police spokesperson. "A Field fertility test was administered at the scene and the officers determined she was attempting to drive while celibate."

Hilton's spokesperson, Elliot Mintz, confirmed the arrest but stated that efforts were underway to have the charges dismissed as Ms. Hilton was not operating the vehicle with a partner inside, and her performance was well below the excepted legal erotic standards for California.

"She's absolutely fine," Mentz stated. "She didn't appear in the least bit to be aroused."

Hilton had parked along side of the road while driving home in her Mercedes-Benz. She had spent the day shooting her next video, "Paris does Hollywood".

The driving while celibate symptoms were "probably the result of an empty relationship and working all day on her video," Mintz stated.

 

 

09/07/06 "The Path to 11/07/06"

CLICK HERE!

 

09/06/06 Couric Debuts With CBS News Exclusive: Arrest of Keith Olbermann

New York, NY (APE) - CBS news woman Katie Couric made her long anticipated debut last night as anchorperson for the network's flagship evening newscast. Her opening headline was an exclusive CBS report on the breaking story of the arrest of MSNBC news show host Keith Olbermann.

CBS news reported that federal authorities, working closely in conjunction with Fox network security, had taken Olbermann into custody late yesterday, just after the taping of his popular MSNBC "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" show. Olbermann had followed up a controversial editorial from the previous night with a second, calling to question the Bush administration's recent attempts at muddying history for political gain. He closed the the opinion piece with a historical reference of his own to the McCarthy hearings of the 1950s, asking the president, "Have you no sense of decency, sir?".

White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated that Olbermann's arrest was "the culmination of an exhaustive and long-standing clandestine federal investigation into the invasion of Islamo Fascist propaganda into mainstream American media." He stated that the operation remained secret and that there would likely be further arrests in the coming days.

Couric took the opportunity after the story to reaffirm CBS's ongoing commitment to quality, unbiased journalism throughout what she hoped would be a long tenure.

Critics praised CBS news for having the courage to lead the broadcast with the report on Olbermann before Couric's other substantially more popular exclusive piece featuring new pictures of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes new daughter, Suri.



Couric closed the newscast by unveiling her new catchphrase. The winning phrase was chosen from numerous contributions suggested by adoring fans. Borrowing heavily from her predecessor, the adored elderly statesman of television news, Walter Cronkite, Couric closed the broadcast with the phrase, "And that's the way you'd better think it is..."

The newsroom erupted into a spontaneous standing ovation at the end of the broadcast, with champagne corks popping. Couric was handed a martini, which she proceeded to down in two gulps. She stated that she was looking forward to having another with President Bush during an interview scheduled to occur tomorrow.

 

 

09/06/06 Musharraf Announces Bin Laden Safe Haven in Pakistan: Bush Declares VT Day

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House today released secret pictures commemorating the signing of a peace treaty and formal end to the war on terror. President Bush then declared today as VT Day, or Victory over Terrorism day. It was revealed that Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf had concluded secret three-way negotiations with Osama bin Laden and President Bush which guaranteed Bin Laden as well as forces loyal to Al Qaeda and the Taliban safe haven in the Northern Waziristan region of Pakistan. Pakistani forces had already begun a peaceful withdrawal from the region in anticipation of the signing of the groundbreaking peace treaty.

The specifics of the treaty appeared to be a tremendous victory for Bin Laden in that, as a signatory, he was required only to "to be like a peaceful citizen".

The Pakistani army had suffered a series of humiliating defeats at the hands of Al Qaeda and the Taliban after being pressured to invade the area by the Bush administration.

The White House insisted that this was a good deal for America and in no way should be considered, "handing terrorists, an enclave they sought to establish in an ungoverned area."

As spontaneous celebrations erupted in New York's Times Square, the Bush administration cautioned Americans that the world would continue to be a dangerous and insecure place, probably through the elections in November. President Bush, in a statement, pledged that Republicans would further carry the final skirmishes of the war on terrorism to the home front, and would not stop until the last vestiges of Islamo Fascist propagandists that had infiltrated America were eliminated from the Democratic Party.

 

09/05/06 Republicans Pleased With New Bush Gas Policy

Washington, DC (APE) - Republicans see new hope for this fall's elections as they attempt to turn the President's problems with gas availability into an advantage. The president has stated that he will commit to an increasing availability of gas leading up to November's midterm elections. Supporters of the president, however, continued to hold their breaths in a close race.

The president's handlers stated that the problem is more one of the president's perceived insensitivity on the issue, and one which they are finding sympathetic voters have increasing tolerance for.

A recent U.S. News & World Report article drew attention to Mr. Bush's hidden appreciation for all things flatulent, and surprisingly, an overwhelming percentage of Republicans viewed this as a positive for him.

The White House has elected to run with the president's newfound talents. The Secret Service has abandoned the long used acronym POTUS to represent the president for the lighter, more humorous term FLATUS. "FLATUS is down" is often uttered after one of the president's impromptu demonstrations, and is a signal for the White House chef to begin preparing legumes.

Democratic pundits have criticized the attempts at passing the president as more of a common man. "And they have the audacity to accuse us of cutting and running," stated Senate majority leader Harry Reid.

 

09/03/01 Song: The Bush Jeer &  "We're All Gonna Fry Rag"

Gimme a B!

B!

Gimme a U!

U!

Gimme an S!

S!

Gimme an H!

H!

What's that smell?!

BUSH!

What's that smell?!

BUSH!

What's that smell?

BUSH!

Come on all you unemployable men…
Listen to my Republican spin.
This war on turruh’s no desprit sham…
Down yonder in ‘Slamo-Fascistan.
Won’t none of my crooks see the light of the sun…
A rhetorical war’s never done!

And it's one, two, three,
What are we waitin’ for ?
Don't ask me, I don't got a plan,
Just want to drop Tehran;
And it's five, six, seven,
Servin’ up that squirrelly hate.
Well now there ain’t no crime I wouldn’t try,
Could be… I’m gonna lie.

Well, come on you libruls and show some class…
‘Fore I ‘cuse you all of bein’ pederast.
Better go out and raise my creds…
Before my old mommie and poppie’s dead.
Ain’t no caprice from number one son…
When he’s flown around on Air Force One.

And it’s one… big… spree,
What are we waitin’ for ?
You ask me, we don't need a plan,
Just got to pop Iran;
And it’s time… for… heaven,
Servin’ up that squirrelly hate
Well now, I done decided they gotta die,
Whoopie!… They’re gonna fry.

Huh!

Dependin’ on K Street to make it so…
Sit back and watch them profits grow.
Plenty sure that Rummy ain’t overpaid…
Lyin’ on the armor that we won’t upgrade.
We’ll thank LeMay when we drop the bomb…
No stoppin’ ‘til Korea’s gone!

Why can’t… you… see,
What are we waitin’ for ?
Don't ask me, I don't need a plan,
I’m no flip-floppin’ man;
And I’m live… at… eleven,
Servin’ up that squirrelly hate
Well now they ain’t no slime I wouldn’t try,
You see… I’m gonna lie.

Well, it’s all my ‘druthers, just talk to the hand..
Gonna whack the boys from Fascistan.
No more bothers, there’s no debate…
Set off them nukes, unpack the crates.
Afterwards we’ll clean their clocks…
In a democracy paradox.

I'm not one… to… flee,
What are you frightened for ?
You ask me, we’ll just have the Klan
Co-opt the Taliban;
They should try… un… leavened,
Servin’ up that squirrelly hate
Well I done decided a lot’ll die,
Whoopie… We’re all gonna fry!

 

08/31/06 White House Reveals "Flat Leader" Program

Washington, DC (APE) - Taking a cue from the Maine National Guard's successful "Flat Daddy" program, the White House today revealed its successful ongoing "Flat Leader" program. In a time of war, when resources and manpower are scarce, the White House stated that it was proud to add and expand its support for the Maine National Guard's program as well as all servicemen in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The program has placed life-size cardboard cutouts of key American leaders within each and every regiment currently serving in both countries.

The Department of Defense stated that the "Flat Leader" program has become immensely successful and a real morale booster within a very short time span. There have even been reports of flat leaders that have been sacrificed in the hunt for IEDs, saving countless GI's lives.

"We're exploring the possibility of expanding the program to the home front," stated White House spokesperson Tony Snow. "We believe that this could have quite an impact on the spread of Islamo-Fascisim right here in America. In a nod to well-intentioned, but misinformed liberal American citizens, the cardboard as well as the rhetoric will be 100% recycled."



"Flat Leaders" are expected to begin appearing within the next two weeks at key Republican fundraisers and in increasing frequency across America on the approach of the November elections.

Former Democratic Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman expressed support and optimism for the White House's new initiative. He is also proposing legislation in the Senate this week, which would make the potential crime of "flat leader burning" a federal offense with stiff penalties.

 

08/29/06 Bush Kneed in Groin on First Anniversary of Katrina Disaster

New Orleans, LA (Rotters) - President Bush was briefly assaulted today by a hurricane Katrina survivor at a photo opportunity outside of an eating establishment in New Orleans. The president was described as dazed and confused but otherwise not permanently injured. His assailant, a woman, was briefly taken into custody by Secret Service personnel and later released. The White House scrambled to explain how the woman had gotten past their screening procedures, and were deliberating over possibly pressing charges.

The woman, a 30-year-old African-American female, who wished to remain anonymous, was later interviewed by reporters.

"There was nothing devious here," she stated. "I went to the event as a long-standing Republican and supporter of the president. I listened to his talk and then he came out to shake hands with everyone. As I was shaking his hand, he sort of... ran into my knee. He ran into my knee three times. I just kind of went blank, I don't know what came over me."

The woman told reporters that she had lost her home in the devastated Ninth Ward, and that she continue to have faith that the federal government would "do the right thing" for the neighborhood and the city of New Orleans.

"The president is doing fine," stated Press Secretary Tony Snow. "He is a little disappointed though.  He was looking forward to a mountain bike workout tomorrow through a portion of the city in which a neighborhood filled with flood refuse has been reclaimed and turned into a challenging trail. His doctor has cautioned him against further aggravating the injury."

White House critics have suggested that this woman represents a growing trend in the American electorate, which may represent a shakeup in the composition of the House and Senate come November.



Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, today speaking at the national convention of the American Legion in Salt Lake City Utah, bemoaned what he sees as the growing cowardice of the majority of America. Afterwards, he cited the president's assault as an example to reporters of an increasing sense of "moral confusion" and terrorist propaganda infiltration.

"It's a damn shame," stated Rumsfeld. "We'd like to go to war with the Americans we want, and not the ones we've got."


 

08/28/06 Experimental Plan D Released as Over the Counter by Mistake

New York, NY (APE) - An embarrassed Barred Pharmaceuticals President Fred Wilkinson, today announced that its experimental male contraceptive pill, Plan D, was released nationwide, mistakenly upon the rollout of its over-the-counter controversial morning after pill, Plan B. The packaging apparently is very similar in appearance and Wilkinson expressed fears of possible adverse reactions.

The morning after the mistake, however, Wilkinson's fears appear to be largely unrecognized and Barred Pharmaceuticals is faced with attempting to recall an overwhelmingly successful product.

The consensus story appears to be that women purchasing the drug over-the-counter thinking that it was Plan B, actually read the directions and did not take the medication themselves. Many went further to either entice their partners or covertly administer the medication to them. The results have been an overwhelming success in the eyes of the women who purchased the mistaken drug, and there has been a reported mad rush to pharmacies nationwide to purchase the over-the-counter preparation before Barred has a chance to follow through with its recall.

The active ingredient in Plan D is devonorgestrel, and it seems to have a dampening or somewhat modulating effect on the male hormone testosterone.

"It was just amazing", stated an anonymous woman. "My husband seemed to be almost instantly more attuned to my feelings. In situations where he might have once insisted upon having sex, he actually deferred to me. And there wasn't all this anger and frustration when I turned him down."

Other women reported that there seemed to be an overall diminished interest in sex from their partners with an increase in their emotional attention span. Others reported that, in addition, there appeared to be no real adverse side effects such as sedation, and in fact, their partners appear to be more energetic and involved with completing household chores.

Barred Pharmaceuticals stated that it must continue the recall by law, but company lawyers are looking into streamlining the testing and research process to bring devonorgestrel to market. Religious conservatives have already begun to voice stern objections over the move citing biblical concerns over the relationship between man and woman. It is unclear at this point, whether Plan D will have any real effect on birth control as it was intended and will warrant further scrutiny.

 

08/25/06 The Invisible President

I've had a lot of folks ask me things like, "How can you stand to even look at his face?"... or, "Don't you get bored with just putting his head on somebody else?" or, "Don't all these ad hominem attacks just bring us down?"... well, I guess I can sort of say yes to all of these questions.

I was ready to mount my usual early-morning pixel assault on the CHIMPOTUS today, when it finally just got to me... I just didn't have the stomach to look at the smirking frat boy on vacation once again. I was a little bored and looking for a challenge, too... then it dawned on me that maybe I should just give people what they want... rework Dub into something a little more palatable for those who have such a visceral response.



I realize that Doonesbury already refers to him as just a floating asterisk in his brilliant concept. However, in my thoughts this morning, I can imagine someday in later in life when I am old and America is once again safe from the corporate terrorism of this administration. At that point, I imagine that I would rather have this last six years completely redacted from history, no asterisk, no nothing.



I realize that there is that old saying about "those that don't remember the past are condemned to repeat it", but in my thinking, that's a chance I'm willing to take. Many of us remember Nixon and Vietnam, and yet Bush and Iraq happened anyway.

Therefore, in order to push this concept a little bit, give myself a little more of a challenge, and perhaps preserve my own sanity, I'm going to concentrate on deleting George W. Bush from history.

My first few attempts may be a little crude, but I think it's got real possibilities. If you think about it, this is probably the most accurate presentation of George W. Bush, highlighting a vacuum of leadership and brainless policies, both domestically and abroad.  To carp off of the old fairy tale, "...the emperor is but clothes".



So what do you think? I think it's a pretty good makeover for him... I found myself sort of strangely at peace after completing these... I really could tolerate looking at him like this. If I were into video, it would be great to go ahead and wipe out his face and head, as well as his voice... just imagine a White House press conference, where the reporters are firing questions away at a headless, mute, president, who was relegated to standing and feverishly gesturing in silence... ironically, I think that's exactly what happened, in effect, at his last one...



I hope these few images have bought a sense of peace to you as well, and I hope there aren't any Republicans watching... I'd hate to give them any ideas about how to resurrect his poll ratings...

 

08/24/06 Cruise Announces Lawsuit against Paramount: Cites Religious Persecution

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Appearing at a press conference today with Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise announced that he had reluctantly decided to sue Paramount Studios over the recent termination of his production company's long-standing contract. The normally reclusive Hubbard, at age 95 and long rumored to be dead, felt that the issue was important enough to stand in a show of support for Cruise.

Hubbard stated that Cruise's long-standing generosity towards the church was under a significant threat by Paramount's actions against Cruise/Wagner productions.

Summer Redstone executives have publicly stated that they have had no concerns over Cruise's professionalism as an actor, but were more concerned with concessions that had to be made off-screen in regards to his religious practices. They cited these problems as being the likely cause for flagging box office and DVD sales.



"We will put the full might of the Church of Scientology behind this lawsuit," stated Hubbard. "This country was founded on the premise that people should not suffer persecution as a result of their religion."

It is unclear how much financial weight Hubbard will be able to divert to this latest front on what he describes as a jihad on Scientology. The secretive sect has been engaged in an ongoing and draining war against the practice of psychiatry for the last 20 years. Church officials have been evasive as well about the medical and scientific costs of maintaining their 95-year-old deceased founder Hubbard. Independent investigative studies report the church' s expenditures for liquid helium alone as being in the millions every year.

Hubbard, speaking afterwards to reporters, stated that he was in fact dead and has been all along, insisting that this was not some elaborate tax dodging scheme. Hubbard earlier in life was noted to have taken to the seas in a vast flotilla in order to avoid prosecution by the IRS.

Tom Cruise stated that he was, "honored by the Admiral' s presence and support."

"I would offer to you the words of the Admiral' s successor, David Miscavige," stated Cruise. "In his eulogy he said, "Ron has not actually died, but rather progressed to a level above human. He has unlocked the mysteries of life, and given us the tools so that we can free ourselves and our fellow man." And thus continues the story of the greatest man who ever died... er... lived."

Cruise announced that irrespective of the outcome of the lawsuit, plans were underway at Cruise/Wagner productions for a documentary project depicting the ongoing life and death of Hubbard. He stated that they were close to sealing a deal in which Hubbard would likely portray himself.

 

08/23/06 Bush Congratulates Katrina Victim on One-Year Anniversary

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush today welcomed Louisiana resident and Katrina hurricane victim Rockey Vacarella to the White House on the one-year anniversary of the catastrophic hurricane Katrina.

"I want to congratulate Rockey and all the folks along the Gulf Coast on their one-year anniversary," said Bush. "This first year has been filled with lots of ups and downs and real challenges, but that's what makes folks strong... that's what makes a marriage strong. I look forward to wishing them many more anniversaries to come."

A year after the hurricane, the Bush administration remains mired in criticism. House and Senate Democratic leaders recently released a combined report entitled "Broken Guitar Strap" which outlines the failed responses of the administration.

Bush brushed off Democratic criticism, saying that the American public should not be held captive by their overly high standards.

"I told Rocky the first obligation of the federal government is to write a check big enough to help the people down there," Bush said. "And I told him to the extent that we can keep that check from bouncing, that's just what we'll do."

The president designated Tuesday, August 29 as a national Day of remembrance. He has plans to spend two days next week in the region, visiting with those in charge of repairing and rebuilding. The following three days will be spent at a number of Republican fundraisers, as well as a birthday party for Senator John McCain and a meeting with popular country singer Mark Wills.

 

 

08/23/06 Ann Coulter Finishes Fourth in "Pole-a-Palooza"

Las Vegas, NV (Rotters) - Right-wing pundit and author Ann Coulter made a surprise appearance this weekend at the Light nightclub's "Pole-a-Palooza" competition inside the Bellagio resort in Las Vegas. The competition highlighted the talents of Pole dancers and strippers across the United States. Coulter gave a spirited performance, but wound up finishing outside of the prize money in the fourth position.

Coulter finished first in the essay portion of the competition, but it was not enough to carry her to overall victory. She seemed ready to sweep the competition until her hair accidentally became caught in a ceiling air-conditioning duct mid-routine. Coulter described herself as disappointed but uninjured.

"I just take delight in dispelling this myth that conservatives are stuffy and no fun and really can't identify with any of the values that they are revolting against," Coulter stated. "This was a little something that I used to do during summers and after classes, as I was working my way through college. It was a lot of fun to get out there and mix it up with the pros, and discover that I still had it in me."

Coulter stated that the competition was a nice temporary distraction, but that she would be back on the road immediately, promoting her new book, Goddess: The Smirch of Libelism.

 

08/23/06 True Identity of Ramsey Murder Suspect Karr Questioned

Los Angeles, CA (APE) - Growing skepticism continues to mount over John Mark Karr the confessed murderer of six-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. In the latest incident in the evolving story, an anonymous flight attendant has stepped forward and produced a reputed ID card that she claims belonged to a Karr and was apparently lost during his recent first-class flight from Thailand.

Karr has become swept up in a passionately distracting media frenzy since his confession and extradition from Thailand last week.

The anonymous flight attendant stated that she found Karr's behavior aboard the plane as well as his interactions with the supervising law enforcement personnel "a little strange."

"There was lots of champagne," she stated. "There was a lot of whispering, and winks and nods. You could tell something just wasn't quite kosher."

The laminated ID badge produced by the flight attendant had a photograph of Karr, and identified him as a CIA special agent in the highly secretive Psy-Ops division.

"It had this thing on the back that says, 'if found please drop in mail' , but I felt like it was important to let somebody else know about it," the anonymous attendant stated.

The CIA was contacted, and an anonymous spokesperson dismissed the story entirely. They claimed that the ID badge was a very cheap imitation, which was easily accomplished by anyone with some computer graphics skills. They offered no speculations as to what would motivate Karr, or anyone else, to attempt the deception.

An FBI spokesperson stated that an immediate investigation of the flight attendant had been launched with consideration of possible charges of theft of government property.

The media frenzy over Karr continued in the mainstream media, as well as throughout the Internet. The Internet was abuzz yesterday over the uncanny resemblance of Karr to Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who assassinated President Kennedy and coincidently had rumored CIA connections.

In an unrelated story, the president appeared to receive a minor bounce in his ratings over the handling of the war on terror in a recent USA Today poll.

 

08/23/06 Inactive Marines Called up: Murtha Apparently in the First Wave

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Pennsylvania Congressman Jack Murtha, today announced that he had received an induction notice from the US Marine Corps. The congressman's notification came a day after the Marine Corps had announced that up to 2,500 of the pool of nearly 60,000 former Marines would be recalled to serve extended tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"Heck yes I'm gonna go!" stated Murtha, "I've been dying for a chance to really get over there and get this Bush administration cluster-(expletive deleted) straightened out. Hoo-rah!"

President George W. Bush had personally authorized the recent call up and activation of individuals from the pool of those in the Individual Ready Reserve (IRR).

An anonymous spokesperson from the Department of Defense stated that there had obviously been a glitch with the computer formula designed to assess years of service versus time spent discharged. He postulated that the incident may very well have been related to the recent theft and subsequent return of a laptop computer from the VA, which contained highly sensitive veterans information.

White House press secretary Tony Snow, encouraged the press to accept that the incident was indeed a snafu, and that DOD officials were working to correct the errors with due diligence. "Jack has served honorably, and above and beyond his call of duty to his country," stated Snow. "Do you honestly think we would want him to go over there and have some harm come to him...? Not that the war isn't going well or anything."

Snow stated that the White House will continue to respond to complaints over the administration's handling of "The Global War on Terror" and allegations that the country is not at war at all, but is desperately seeking to maintain the illegal occupation of the countrys Iraq and Afghanistan.

"Many have suggested that from the perspective of the home front, this doesn't really look like a war at all," stated Snow. "This war was designed and planned this way intentionally so as to have the least amount of impact and discomfort as possible on the average citizen. We now realize that this may have been a slight mistake. In an effort to correct this problem of misperception, the administration is re-examining the possibility of rescinding its policy on the viewing of flag draped coffins. We will be promoting a commemorative gas ration coupon, with the proceeds to go towards care for wounded veterans. The US Department of Agriculture will begin selling commemorative "Victory Garden" seed packs to help Americans show their support for the troops."

"If these pilot programs prove successful, we will be considering instituting an innovative "Voluntary Selective Service " lottery for the American public," Snow continued. "Citizens at random would be issued "draft notices" through the mail, which would in actuality be offers to participate in a national lottery. Those wishing to participate would simply send in the entry fee and become eligible in a national grand prize drawing. The bulk of the entry fees would go towards providing needed armor upgrades to those currently serving in Iraq. Given time, we believe that we will be able to present this as a more palatable War to the American public."

As an added bonus, Snow stated any Marine called up during his recent activation would be entitled to free entry into any of the above programs.

 

08/22/06 Bush: If We Leave Them Now...

 

If We Leave Them Now
(with apologies to Peter Cetera and Chicago)

If I deceive you now, I'll make our stay the biggest travesty…
Oooo yo! Ain't no way we go….
These Iraqi vows… don't take away my heart and make me flee…
Oooo yo! Baby we can't go….

A love for war was Rove's… his cards not mine…
How could we schlep it all away?
I'd love to spar with those who will not mind…
How can I draft them for the fray?
When the sorrow comes then we're both beset…
Things in sad decay…



A love for war was Rove's… his cards not mine…
How could we schlep it all away?
I'd love to spar with those who will not mind…
How could I draft them all today?
Then tomorrow comes and we'll all regret…
Things in sad decay…

If we just flee somehow… the stakes impale the very heart of me…
Oooo yo ! Say it just ain't so…
Whole world… just got to buy my lies…

No, maybe we can't go

Ooo manna, I just got to get to heaven, yeah…

Our guns and cars… can't leave them all behind…

 

 

08/21/06 Bin Laden Sees Terrorism "For Years to Come"

PAKISTAN  (APE) - Osama bin Laden said Sunday that the foiled airline plot in
Britain was evidence that terrorism could continue to grow and flourish under
Bush administration policies for years to come.

Bin Laden was speaking from a loosely guarded hemodialysis unit somewhere in the
mountainous region of Pakistan.

Bin Laden praised the efforts of the Bush administration in allowing Al-Qaeda
"an incredible amount of time, energy and effort" in their ongoing plans to
further terrorize American citizens, and ultimately make the Middle East safe
from America. "I will assure the majority of American people that we are doing
everything in our power to spare you," he said, "but we are involved in a war
against an extremist group of folks, bound together by a neocon ideology,
willing to use terrorism to achieve their objectives."

"Allah be praised," bin Laden stated, "the enemy has given us an advantage when
it comes to attacking their homeland. The world is now full of martyrs willing
to take up the cause. It used to be that we only had to be right one time, and
they had to be right 100% of the time to protect the American people. Now we
don't even need to get it right and we don't even have to try."

A recent AP-Ipsos poll continued to show Bin Laden locked in a tie with
President Bush at 39% as the most despised person in the world.

 

 

08/21/06 Lieberman Wants Rumsfeld to Resign, Insinuates That He is Gay

Washington, DC (APE) - Senator Joe Lieberman on Sunday called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, amidst allegations that the increasingly unpopular secretary of defense is gay.

As Lieberman's solo run for reelection begins to heat up, he on Sunday apparently attempted to simultaneously distance himself from the Bush administration and solidify his base with his proclamation that it was time for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's resignation due to questions of his sexuality. He stated that this represented somewhat of an imposed "litmus test" on his fledgling "Lieberman for Connecticut Party."

Lieberman defended his challenges to the defense secretary's sexuality, insisting that "He had a naïve vision that the Iraqis were going to embrace us and then go on and live happily ever after. How else can you possibly explain that?"

Lieberman was speaking on CBS's nationally syndicated Deface the Nation.

"There is still hope in Iraq as long as the Iraqis believe we will not continue to just walk in and leave them to the sure disaster of sexualized torture and aggression that we have chosen to utilize in maintaining our security in the war on terrorism," he said.

"This entire 'don't ask don't tell' policy from the Pentagon has been a disaster for America, and it's a position that my opponent Ned Lamont has taken," Lieberman said.

Lieberman later responded to a question from a reporter who asked if his new stance on Rumsfeld was in any way related to Karl Rove's taking over of his campaign, stating, "that's just plain politics from a little macaca who obviously has ambitions of his own."

"I'm working hard so that the Lieberman for Connecticut party might mirror some of the successes that the Republican Party has had as kind of a litmus test party," he said. "If you don't agree with me 100% of the time, you don't agree with Connecticut."

 

08/18/06 The 60 Year Old Moron

Channeling Andy Rooney here... did you ever notice how Dub is always making this same gesture with his hands all the time? Once I thought he was just drying his nails or showing off his manicure... Many have said that the gesture is very purposeful and calculated while others have suggested that it is somewhat of a tell... revealing his secrets and his inner workings...

I've sort of come around to the latter way of thinking... I think he's self conscious, and he's hiding something... something like... like... a Man-o-lantern...

See! There's the gesture!

And we all know to what extremes the Republican Party and Bush Administration will go to to instill fear and discipline within the ranks...

Maybe this sort of explains the attraction that Ann Coulter and the likes still have for him...

 

08/17/06 Bush Confesses to Rape and Murder of Constitution, Claims it was Accident

Washington, DC (APE) - Federal authorities were summoned to the Thai Embassy late this evening to take custody of US President George W. Bush. Bush allegedly confessed to Embassy officials that he was guilty of the rape and murder of the U.S. Constitution, a mystery that has baffled legal experts for over five years.

White House press secretary Tony Snow immediately called to question the story of the president's guilt. He stated: "I have to believe that they have more than this kooky confession. The president had merely taken an interest in the evolving story of JonBenet Ramsey and had gone to the embassy to see if there were further developments."

Officials at the Thai Embassy stated that the president approached them earlier this afternoon, after the announcement of the decision by federal judge Anna Diggs Taylor ruling that the NSA's warrantless wiretapping program was illegal. Shortly thereafter, he volunteered the stunning confession that he had raped and murdered the Constitution.



A throng of reporters peppered the recalcitrant president with questions. Bush told how he loved the Constitution, and was there when it died, but insisted that its death was an accident.

Bush stated that drugs were involved, but all were prescribed by physicians in an effort to help him cope with the stresses of his job. While under the influence, Bush stated that he forced the Constitution into progressively more and more outrageous and depraved acts until it was killed by accident. Legal scholars admitted that all along there had been ample evidence of sadistic abuse and assault to the Constitution, but details had been withheld from the public.

When asked by reporters if he was innocent, Bush replied simply, "no". He then added cryptically that the Constitution's death was "not what it seems to be."

The White House seemed determined not to allow the president's confession to get in the way of preserving the NSA's warrantless wiretapping program and the ongoing rape of the deceased Constitution. "We're going to do everything we can do in the courts to allow this to continue," stated Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

 

 

08/16/06 Boy George on Crawford Garbage Duty

Crawford, TX (O! Online) - President George W. Bush, otherwise affectionately known as "Boy George", recently completed in secrecy five days of community service in Crawford, Texas while he was purportedly on vacation. A mere handful of selected photographers were on hand to document the service for posterity, and it was unclear whether Boy George actually completed the entire five days of service.

The Secret Service, citing national security concerns, kept Boy George's service largely secret from the public, and the prying eyes of Cindy Sheehan's antiwar protest group stationed elsewhere in the town.

Boy George began his community service promptly at 7 a.m. on a Wednesday morning and by 7:15, he had turned in his shovel for a mountain bike, leaving the bulk of the duties to an admiring and supportive Crawford sanitation worker.

The president's community service, came as a result of a protracted court fight over a number of drug charges and a drunken driving conviction that he was hit with in the early 70s in Houston, Texas. A White House spokesperson stated that the president's legal team, in secret, had finally exhausted all options and appeals, but were proud of the fact that they had been able to negotiate the convictions down to five days of community service.

Before abandoning his post, the 60-year-old president traded jokes with a Crawford sanitation worker and photographers assembled to document the event.



"I think that that guy's a lot better at this than me. I should just go home. Let him do my community service," Bush joked. "I feel really humbled by him. Why don't we just let him go on about his hard work."

White House spokesperson Tony Snow told those assembled that the President was trying his best not to "show any kind of emotion about this thing."

"He takes it as national pride," Snow said. "We all need to humiliate people that think he's not a humble person."

 

 

08/15/06 Bush Administration Foreign and Domestic Policy : An Illustrated Primer

Step One: Dig deeply. Use all available resources to root out everything that you deem counterproductive and offensive. Try to do so in a discreet manner, but do not be afraid to offend some people publicly if you must.

Step Two: Analyze in secret the fruits of your efforts. If necessary, after you have chewed around on your data, do not be afraid to repeat Step One and widen your search. Be aware of the risks involved, and spill blood only as a last resort. Always be prepared to eat everything in the name of national security if you're in danger of being caught.

Step Three: Deny, deny, deny...

 

 

08/14/06 George Bush speaks on Albert Camus' "The Stranger"

Charade Magazine  -  President Bush, just finishing up a small vacation in Crawford Texas, did what many Americans do on vacation, he took the time to read a book. He dedicated a brief portion of his vacation in reading a work by one of France's most celebrated authors, Albert Camus, "The Stranger". The President stated that the book made a real impression upon him, and Charade Magazine in an exclusivity interview was able to allow the president a venue to share some of his thoughts on this literary masterpiece:

Charade: Thank you Mr. President, for allowing us a little time out of your busy schedule for this interview.

Bush:
You're welcome. As you probably know I was over in Europe last month sort of hobnobbing with the leaders there, doing a lot of hard work with treaties and negotiations and decisions and such. I'm proud to say that we've come a long way in restoring a lot of relationships, especially with the French. It was suggested that I might want to read this book to understand their culture. I must say, I think they make a little more sense to me now.

Charade: So tell us, Mr. President, what was the story of "The Stranger" about, and what impressed you so much?

Bush: Well the story is about this fellow... and I always have trouble with names... it started with an M... French sounding... and he smoked a lot... we'll call him Marlboro. This guy Marlboro finds out one day that his Mee-Maw died, that's how the book starts, it says, "Mee-Maw died today". You can tell that he's pretty broken up about it because he doesn't show it, but nobody else seems to get it.

Charade: Is this the part of "The Stranger" that you found so compelling?

Bush: Well, maybe... my mom hasn't died yet... I don't think... I haven't spoken to her in a little while... but this guy Marlboro was pretty interesting. He worked hard, and really had an eye for the women. He liked to smoke and drink, and he took a lot of naps, too.

Charade: So you really have a lot of things in common with the main character?

Bush:
Maybe... but not so much anymore. I think what I liked the most was the author's stress on the importance of morals and Christian beliefs. This guy Marlboro was kind of a tragi-comic figure... like Karl said, I seem to remember that term from English class. You really admire him for standing behind his beliefs and not wagering in adversity. But, in the end it's pretty sad when you come to realize that this keeps him from accepting Jesus as his savior.

Charade: Are there any lessons from the novel that you plan to incorporate in your own life and in your position as president?

Bush: The book really does inspire you to be able to stick by your guns when you're surrounded by a lot of gloom-doomers and naysayers. I also liked the fact that someone could be prosecuted for not thinking and believing in an acceptable way... France has obviously changed a lot since the time of Shamu. I think literature is always open to interpretation, just like diplomacy... as we are faced with the possibility of impending peace in the conflict between Israel and Hezbollah, it is important for us to not give up all hope.

Charade: Thank you, Mr. President, for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Bush: Always a pleasure... but I feel like they're decisions more than anything else.

 

08/11/06 Chertoff and Gonzalez Demonstrate Liquid Bomb

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Department of Homeland security today released further information in regards to the terrorist liquid bomb plot in London. The press conference was capped off by a demonstration of the effectiveness of one of the terrorists' proposed devices. Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales constructed and detonated a small yield device to the stunned silence of the press in attendance. No one was harmed in the demonstration, but a number of angry photographers were seen wiping residue from lenses.

"Just think what could be achieved on a larger scale", stated Chertoff. "No one would have been spared if we have chosen instead to use perhaps a liter bottle of fluid. The same principles can be applied towards a deadly rocket. The administration has been communicating closely with the Israelis and we really believe that as the conflict in Lebanon winds down and the materials and supplies for war dry up they may be faced with just such improvised rockets from Hezbollah."

Chertoff also responded to allegations that the United States had raised its terror level to Red for political machinations. "Yes, we did know about the plot for almost 2 weeks before the arrests in London," stated Chertoff, "we simply did not want to ruin the possibility of tripping up more bad guys both domestically and internationally by tipping them off. Only after the arrests on Thursday in Britain and the realization of the effectiveness of the device that you have seen demonstrated today did the president make the correct decision to elevate the terror level."

"There were a lot of very ill-informed statements in the press yesterday in regards to the difficulties involved in actually constructing and detonating a liquid bomb," concluded Chertoff. "This is our attempt to set the record straight. You saw for yourself how easy this was, and the materials are readily available in airports, train stations, and movie theaters all over the world."

"The war on terror is an ongoing thing," added Attorney General Gonzalez, "we adapt and we improvise and we adjust our tactics. Americans have always been willing to make sacrifices during times of war. Reluctantly, we will institute tomorrow a ban on all carbonated beverages in America as well as suspect over-the-counter breath freshener preparations. Bad breath is a small sacrifice we can all pay in support of our troops overseas."

"We will continue to stay ahead of the curve in the war on terror," Gonzalez continued. "As we speak researchers are investigating and taking steps to maintain the integrity of the nation's bottled water supplies. If need be, we will also issue a ban on all effervescent antacid and denture cleaning materials as well."

Gonzales concluded: "While the election defeat of Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman is somewhat of a red flag, we have no reason to suspect any other signs of a growing domestic terrorism problem such as we are seeing in Great Britain. We will, however, continue to remain vigilant and continue to deny material and support for terrorism domestically as best we can."

Gonzalez refused to comment on a related story in California that popular "Mythbusters" Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman had voluntarily surrendered themselves to FBI officials for questioning.



 

08/10/06 Rove Spearheads Lieberman Independent Run

Washington, DC (APE) - White House aide Karl Rove announced today that he would be taking personal responsibility for the fledgling independent run of Joe Lieberman for Connecticut state senate. He has labeled the race and all its implications as potential "Republican Dynamite".

Lieberman, refusing to accept the will of the Connecticut Democratic party in his loss to Ned Lamont yesterday, announced his candidacy for the same position as an independent in the fall election. The White House later sent a message to Lieberman campaign headquarters stating that 'the boss is concerned with the results and will pledge whatever it takes'.

"If they had put me in, things would have been different," stated Rove. "We would have taken the state. No doubt. No doubt in my mind. Don't you ever wish you had a time machine and could just go back... well, we're looking into it. I wish Joe would have talked to us earlier... nowadays voters are only interested in leaders with good computer hacking skills..."

Rove went on to say that plans were in place for a complete makeover of Senator Lieberman. The goal will be to present him as strong on national security as well as sympathetic to the immigration issue and the national and statewide Latino vote.

Rove stated that the president would continue to offer his personal support to Lieberman, probably in the form of security and campaign logistics.

"This was an incredibly ugly race, and the citizens of Connecticut deserve better," continued Rove. "I don't know how things are done around the rich and influential liberal cities in Connecticut, but driving around a massive Paper Mache piñata float of your opponent is just not acceptable. At BushCo we use the buddy system... no more flying solo... you need somebody watching your back at all times."

The Ned Lamont campaign headquarters, after a day of brief celebration and needed rest was back into high gear this morning. When asked about predictions for the Rove assisted Lieberman campaign, they expressed little concern. "They'll probably be giving us more half-built yellow cake, or something," stated an anonymous Lamont staffer, "Vote for Joemo, and all of your wildest nightmares will come true."

 

 

08/08/06 Former Diebold Executive O Dell Declares Lieberman Victory in Connecticut

Hartford, CT (Rotters) - On the eve of one of the most controversial electoral primaries in America, Ward O Dell the former CEO for Diebold, stepped forward to declare victory for incumbent Senator Joseph Lieberman. He stated that he was proud to be able to pledge his former company's vast resources to secure a victory for Lieberman over his dogged challenger, Connecticut businessman Ned Lamont.

O Dell offered, as pre-election day congratulatory gifts, complementary USB "thumb drives" to thousands of Lieberman campaign staffers throughout the state. O Dell declared Lieberman the primary winner by the narrowest of margins of 51% to 49% and predicted that the results would contrast markedly with controversial exit polling which would undoubtedly occur as voting begins tomorrow.

Lieberman campaign staffers stated that the Senator would likely make an announcement in which he would accept conciliation from challenger Lamont first thing in the morning. Lieberman was previously scheduled to cast his own vote in his home precinct, but staffers stated that he would instead begin a victory celebration after the announcement. The Lieberman campaign headquarters, in an attempt to make amends over an occasionally corrosive campaign, also encouraged Connecticut voters to come and join in the victory celebration rather than vote, as the results of the election were no longer in question.

Lamont campaign headquarters was contacted for a quote on the pre-election eve results, and they issued a simple one-word statement, saying, "Nuts!"

 

08/07/06 Bush Arrested Outside of Camp Casey

Crawford, TX (APE) - Early this morning a dispute erupted between local police and the President's secret service detail as Mr. Bush was apparently taken into custody outside Camp Casey, the protest camp set up by noted peace activist and Gold Star Mom, Cindy Sheehan. Crawford police are reportedly considering charging the president with indecent exposure, in an incident which the White House is referring to as merely "skinny-cycling".

In the early dawn hours, those entrenched at Camp Casey were apparently exposed to a nude President Bush as he flashed by on his bicycle followed buy a clothed security detail. Ordinarily, the White House stated, the security detail might have been "au natural" as well, in support of the president, but past experience has shown that they need clothing to conceal their automatic weaponry and other security equipment, as well as guard against chaffing.

The White House claimed that the appearance at Camp Casey was unintentional, as the president apparently took a wrong turn off of his 1,600 acre ranch.

"Riding helps clear my head, helps me deal with the stresses of the job," Bush had told accompanying reporters on a clothed ride earlier the previous day. "What I wouldn't give to be sixteen again!", he yelled at one point.

The president was supplied with appropriate attire by the Crawford police upon arrival at the station. It was not clear whether the president would actually be charged as White House legal representatives wrestled with the issue. They argued that the matter was indeed an issue of "National Security" and that, in truth, an emperor had no need of clothes.

An FBI spokesperson admitted that an investigation had been launched in order to obtain the identity of the person phoning in the 911 call informing Crawford police of the reputed incident. "Misuse or activation under false pretenses of emergency personnel is a serious offense," stated the spokesperson.

A witness at Camp Casey, who insisted on anonymity, stated that the incident went beyond a brief "flash" by the president. "Oh, no... he actually pulled over and got off the bike... right over by the cross exhibit," stated the witness. "And then he... well... desecrated them. I always figured that with his foreign policies and whatnot that he would be more... you know... endowed."

The White House vehemently denied the witness' accusations, insisting that administration leaking had long since been taken care of. The president returned to his ranch, where he is anticipating a visit with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice later this morning.

 

 

08/05/06 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Apocalypse

CLICK HERE TO BE TRANSPORTED...

 

08/03/06 Rumsfeld to Attend Public Hearing after being Assaulted with Dictionary

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld yesterday agreed to appear before a senate hearing on the war in Iraq after being assaulted by a thirty pound Dictionary lobbed by a pool reporter whose name was withheld by pentagon security. Rumsfeld had been engaging in one of his tried and true choreographed rhetorical question sessions over the growing civil war in Iraq when the reporter apparently snapped, throwing the dictionary at the Secretary. Rumsfeld's glasses were broken in the spontaneous assault, but he quickly produced a pair of sunglasses and continued.

Just prior to the assault Rumsfeld had posed a series of questions: "Is it a high level of sectarian violence? Yes, it is. And are people being killed? Yes. And is it unfortunate? Yes. And is the government doing basically the right things? I think so..

"Does that constitute a civil war? I guess you can decide for your yourself. And we can all go to the dictionary and decide what you want to call something. But it seems to me that it is not a classic civil war at this stage."

At this point the reporter began advancing from the back of the room holding what appeared to be a huge Oxford Annotated English Dictionary.

Rumsfeld, seeing the reporter, smirked and said: "Is that a dictionary you're holding? Yes, I suppose it is. Do you want me to look up the definition of a "civil war"? No, I'm getting the feeling that you don't. Are you considering throwing it at me? Yes, I guess you are. Do you know who I am and what I can do? I don't think so. Are you aware of the places that you can be rendered to, and the powers that I have to do it? Hmmm... I'm not sure... Are you aware of the cat-like reflexes that I still..."

At that point, from approximately ten feet, the reporter tossed the dictionary, hitting Rumsfeld squarely in the forehead, breaking his glasses. The other assembled reporters, apparently in shock, were unable to even attempt to restrain the assailant. Only after what seemed an eternity of almost giddy silence did pentagon personnel step forward in an orderly and gentle manner to detain the reporter.

Afterwards, a slightly disheveled Rumsfeld made the announcement that he had reconsidered his decision to avoid testifying at the senate hearing scheduled for this morning. Capitol Hill security later announced that, because of the incident, increased screening has been put in place indefinitely and no books or periodicals larger than "My Pet Goat" would be allowed in either the house or senate.

 

08/01/06 Dictator Quietly Relinquishes Power Temporarily

 

Little Havana, FL (AP) - George Bush, who took control of America in a bloodless coup in November of 2000, temporarily relinquished his presidential powers to his brother Jeb on Monday night prior to undergoing political cosmetic surgery.

Bush, less than a month after his 60th birthday, did not address reporters after the secretive ceremony in which he turned over authority to his brother Florida Governor Jeb Bush. Instead, a statement was read by his press secretary Tony Snow. It was the first time in 5 1/2 years of absolute rule that Bush has given up power.

In the note read by Secretary Snow, Bush stated that he was undergoing the political surgery after an apparent tumble this weekend from the steps of Air Force One. The fall was attributed to recent stresses associated with a continually failing diplomatic mission for the peace process between Lebanon and Israel, and what some describe as a cancerous civil war in Iraq fomented by administration policy.

"This procedure obligates me to undertake a month of rest," press secretary Tony Snow read from the letter. "Extreme duress had provoked in me a sharp intestinal fortitude crisis with sustained bleeding of political capital that is obligated me to undergo a complex political makeover."

It was not immediately clear what type of procedure would be undertaken and just how radical an alteration Bush would undergo, but political physician Karl Rove stated that one of the main goals would be to stanch sustained bleeding.

It remains unknown how serious Bush's political conditions is, but "any major alteration in a 60 year old politician is life-threatening," stated Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman. Lieberman cited potential complications such as chronic appearances of weakness and incompetence. "He'll get better, without a doubt," said Lieberman. "Karl is a really good spin doctor, and he's in great shape."

In perhaps a real indication of the seriousness of the president's condition, it was noted that there was no real protest over the president's ignoring official constitutional orders of succession in bypassing Vice President Dick Cheney.

 

07/30/06 Crowe to Star in Gibson's Autobiographical Film?

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Bad Boy newcomer Mel Gibson, after this weekend's strategic preemptive apology for his recent drunken and abusive public behavior, today announced a new project which will include fellow Australian Russell Crowe. Talks are underway for Crowe to star in an autobiographical film in which he will portray Gibson.

Press agents for both actors stated that all involved felt that the project had the potential to be a real winner. The agents cited marketing research which showed that not only did both men stand a good chance for having their past drunken and rowdy public transgressions forgiven by moviegoers, but both stood to benefit tremendously through the affiliation with each other.

Gibson is reportedly set to direct Crowe in a depiction of Gibson's life in which his entire career is crucified by the press.

Insiders stated that the negotiations between Crowe and Gibson began amicably enough but then deteriorated over drinks. Crowe reportedly, at one point, attempted to throw a phone booth at Gibson, after Gibson accused him of trying to "Jew him down" throughout the talks.

 

07/22/06 Rice Off to Competition in Middle East, Wishes for World Peace

Washington, DC (APE) - US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, in a press conference yesterday at the state department, bid farewell as she embarked on a trip to a major competition in the middle east where she will be representing the United States. She vowed to bring home the title to the Middle East to America.

"This is a different Middle East competition," Rice stated, "It's a new Middle East. It's cutthroat."

"What we're seeing here... is the afterbirth of an aborted attempt at a democracy in a "New" Middle East competition. We have to be certain, this time, that we push when we're told to in the Middle East, and not go back to breathing the incorrect old way."



Rice stated that she was looking forward to open confrontation and competition with her perennial archrivals Miss Syria, Miss Iran, and this year's gutsy performer, Miss Hezbollah. She offered to reporters that fans would be in for a real treat as she partnered with Miss Israel in the talent portion of the competition. Sources have reported that the two will perform a song and dance routine to Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture. Rice, an accomplished concert pianist, will offer her rendition of the classical piece while Miss Israel performs an interpretive dance. Washington has reportedly pulled all stops in their support of the production, and is reportedly speeding delivery of precision guided pyrotechnics and other "special effects" to spice up the presentation.



Rice also went on to say that she felt she was a sure bet to win the swimsuit competition, thanks to her rigorous daily training. The US has received repeated assurances that drug testing will not occur throughout the competition.

In her oral presentation, Rice stated that she will focus on a brief essay of the time honored theme of "World Peace". "This will be a forum where we hope to unveil new thoughts about an American ideal for peace throughout the Middle East. We will be advocating for a hard fought, bloody and lasting peace through superior firepower."

 

07/20/06 Stem Cell Veto Uncovers Controversial Top Secret Government Snowflake Baby Program

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The New York Times is reporting today on the existence of a top secret cloning and stem cell development program under the auspices of the NIH, the day after President Bush vetoed a controversial yet popularly supported bill that would extend government support for stem cell use and research. Anonymous sources within the NIH informed Times reporters that the secret program had remained active and had indeed expanded throughout Bush's tenure with the full support of the White House.

Dubbed "Operation Blizzard", the program worked in conjunction with fertility clinics nationwide as well as "snowflake baby" activists to warehouse and pool embryos which would otherwise be slated for destruction.

The Times source stated that the government, working over the past five years in secrecy, had been able to advance its knowledge of cloning and stem cell techniques exponentially. The source claimed that human cloning and organ harvesting was now bordering upon being a routine procedure.

White House sources angrily denied the story, but stated that the Department of Justice had been informed of the apparent leak to the Times. The White House again chastened the Times for what they called "playing around irresponsibly in national security issues. Perhaps adding some credence to the story, White House sources then stated that it was common practice for the government to "hedge its bets", particularly when a very potentially lucrative technology is concerned.



President Bush, in a largely closed and private ceremony yesterday, signed a veto of a proposed bill from Congress that would expand research into stem cells. He was surrounded by dozens of toddlers, mostly male, all of whom were products of "snowflake baby" activists. "Snowflake Baby" is a term used to describe a frozen embryo, and this particular national group of activists strive to make sure that each embryo develops into a viable child.

Bush, holding a child, the product of the snowflake baby program, stated that he was vetoing the bill on moral grounds. "I just want everyone to look around here today," stated Bush. "Just look at all of these bright eyed little boys and girls who may otherwise never have seen life. Each one is a potential leader of America."

The Times stood resolutely behind its story and sources. They stated that they had already been contacted by an unnamed cable television network that wished to produce a movie about the facts of the story. The Times stated that the project was a work in progress with a working title of "The Boys from Crawford".

In a possibly related development, the White House today also announced that Vice President Dick Cheney would be absent for the next week as he checks into Bethesda Hospital in Maryland for what was described as a routine heart procedure.
 

 

07/19/06 Bush Vetoes Stem Cell Bill Issues Signing Statement Preserving Perfect Record

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush early this morning followed through with his threatened veto of the controversial stem cell bill approved by Congress yesterday and immediately followed it with a signing statement. The current signing statement adds to a total of some 500 to 600 issued by the president throughout his tenure, preserving, according to White House sources, his perfect record.

At a hastily prepared press conference, President Bush angrily waved a glossy photo of a digitally enhanced actual stem cell. "This could have been my son, or your son..." ranted Bush, "or my mother, or your father, or a new heart or a kidney for your grandfather Prescott... well heck... I guess it could have been just about anything. But that's beside the point. This is just wrong. We can't be playing God like that doctor and those nurses in New Orleans."

White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated afterwards that while technically the president had issued a veto on the bill, his signing statement questioned the veto, as is the right of the unitary executive, during particular instances of national security. He went on to praise the president for what he considered an act of compromise and courage, citing this as proof that President Bush continues to be a uniter and not a divider.

An advance copy of the 12 page veto signing statement released to the press in attendance cited the Bush administration's continued support for the occupation of Iraq. It advised that the president could question the constitutionality of the veto, and indeed intentionally violate it on the grounds of supporting further enlistment and functioning of the Army and National Guard. The document cited the recruitment shortfalls in all branches of service as well as the diminished organ donor pool for casualties in Iraq. While it did not state at what point plans would be implemented, the signing statement went on to outline how human cloning experimentation could be accelerated with the government's assistance if need be.

Reactions from senators were not immediately available, but Washington observers stated that the president's action would likely be found offensive to Democrats and Republicans alike.

North Carolina Senator Elizabeth Dole, who voted against the original stem cell bill, will likely find herself at loggerheads with the president's veto signing statement. Mrs. Dole had earlier announced the launch of her
"Adopt a Snowflake Baby" campaign which she launched in North Carolina yesterday. The program recruits volunteers as de facto guardian ad litems for the almost 500,000 frozen embryos currently living in the United States.

 

07/17/06 Physicians Worry over Hastert Skin Infection

Washington, DC (APE) - Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was rushed to Walter Reed Hospital late this evening after apparently suffering a setback during treatment for a skin infection. Hospital authorities confirmed that Hastert was in stable condition but that the infection seemed to be spreading.

Treating physicians at a brief news conference stated that tests confirmed that Hastert had become infected with a virulent and resistant strain of Greedococcus Briberi. They stated that around the clock ethical acetate infusions had begun but the infection continued to progress. In ordinary circumstances, Greedococcus is highly susceptible to mere daylight, but for reasons unknown, this strain had become resistant.

Public health authorities acted swiftly, closing down both houses of congress. They were not optimistic as to whether homeland security would be able to assist in halting its spread throughout the entire city of Washington.

The White House issued a statement saying that the infection seemed to spread through contact with money. They advised all persons fearful of infection to immediately bring their money to one of a number of satellite locations to have it laundered properly.

 

07/16/06 Lieberman Considering Offer to Appear in Next Star Wars Film

"Meesa say L am for Leebeeman"

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Lieberman campaign officials this weekend confirmed that talks were underway with LucasFilms inc. to have the Connecticut senator make a transition to the big screen should he fail in his August primary election bid and his subsequent independent quest to retain his US senate seat. Lieberman would have a starring role in George Lucas' latest addition to the Star Wars family of films, a prequel remake to his two previous successful trilogies which is entitled: "Revenge of the Menacing Phantom Left-Wing Blogs".

"Scary bad things happen when weesa changin direction"

Lieberman would play a re-vamped character named Joe-Joe Finx, a comic relief to the evil emperor who has appeared throughout the series. Many right-wing extremist Republicans in power currently in Washington have leveled criticism at Lucas for what they perceive as blatant and unpatriotic parodying of the current Bush administration throughout his popular series of films.

"Deesa Emperor heesa notso bad guy"

Lieberman campaign headquarters cautioned Connecticut voters against reading too much into the negotiations at this point, stating that Lieberman has every intention of sweeping past opponent Ned Lamont in the fall primary and retaining his seat. "We could not help but notice how successful the senator's former running mate Al Gore has been with his own venture into Hollywood," said a campaign spokesperson. "Just look at what "The Terminator" did for Governor Schwarzenegger in California. This is just a sort of hedging of bets, and it may well pay off with more sympathetic name recognition even before the election."

"Meesa havin bad feelin deesa fightin..."

The Lieberman campaign scoffed at the notion that the proposed character bore an uncanny resemblance to Jar-Jar Binx, whom Star Wars fans have dubbed as one of the worst failures from the creative mind of George Lucas. "This will work," a spokesperson stated, "There's a huge difference here... the senator is a funny guy, he's got a great sense of humor."

"Meesa no surrenderin! Meesa no surrenderin!"

The role, however, does not seem to be a done deal for Mr. Lieberman. Two dedicated groups of "fringe element" Star Wars fans called "Friends of the Gungans" and the "Anti-Gungan Defamation League" have already begun circulating a petition demanding that Senator Lieberman withdraw his name for consideration for the role, stating that his appearance in the film would create an irreparable rift in the fragile alliance between the minority Jar-Jar Binx supporters and the majority detractors.

LucasFlims refused comment for this piece.

 

 

07/12/06 Cheney Responds to Putin Retort

Boston, MA (Rotters) - Vice President Dick Cheney today visited the site of the "Big Dig" where a motorist was tragically killed yesterday. Speaking with reporters afterwards, he took the opportunity to respond to remarks made by Russian president Vladimir Putin, elevating a "cold war" of words between the two which began over criticisms from Mr. Cheney.

"I understand Mr. Putin had some comments over how I handle a gun," stated Mr. Cheney "Well, I'll offer a standing invitation to him anytime to come hunting with me, and we'll just see if I can't hit whatever I want to. Democracy has historically been spread effectively at gunpoint in America, and it's a lesson that he would do well to spread in Russia." Cheney then chambered a round into the shotgun that he happened to be carrying for emphasis.

Cheney's latest remarks came after Putin referred to Cheney's acerbic criticism of the slow progress of Democratic Reform in Russia from a speech made in Lithuania in May. Putin had called Cheney's criticism "an unsuccessful hunting shot" earlier in the day.

The White House refused to speculate on the reasons behind Cheney's visit to Boston, but rumors indicated that he was involved in negotiations for a no-bid contract for Halliburton to complete the controversial "Big Dig" construction project. Halliburton was noted earlier in the day to have lost their contract with the US armed services in Iraq.

 

07/12/06 Hoekstra and Lieberman Announce Discovery of Al-Qaeda Mole in White House

Washington, DC (APE) - Michigan representative Peter Hoekstra and Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman in a combined press conference yesterday announced the exposure of an A-Qaeda sympathetic mole somewhere in the chain between the intelligence community and the White House.  Hoekstra stated that evidence for the mole's existence was scant at this time, but he felt that there was enough to make public the allegation.

"Clearly, when leaks hurt the White House, they aid the enemy," stated Hoekstra, "It's as simple as that. The existence of a mole follows logically, we just have to determine whether there has been an actual compromise in security with an infiltration, or if we are facing a mole of the traitorous, home grown variety."

Hoekstra went on to elaborate that there had been a number of "disinformational" bait stations set from the east lawn of the White House to even the hallowed grounds of Arlington, and that it would be only a matter of time before the mole was caught.

Hoekstra was asked if their going public at this point would not result in the mole simply becoming scared and going underground. "I don't think so", he replied, "When you understand the nature of a mole, they are driven to selfishly consume and destroy... it's what they do."

Lieberman added, "I guess that I'm hoping that it turns out to be an infiltration ... that is at least more understandable. The thought of one of our own switching sides and betraying us is just so foreign to me."

Lieberman was then asked to distinguish between a whistleblower and a mole. "Moles are, in a way blinded, by their own hubris, they just destroy everything that gets in their way for self gain. A whistleblower, on the other hand, might work in secret but he truly has the best interests of America at heart. Besides, a mole would never attract attention to itself by blowing a whistle... I would seriously doubt that they even could... have you ever seen their teeth?"

 

07/10/06 Bush Tasks Congress with Increasing Science Education Funding to Further "Spread Love"

Aurora, IL (Rotters) - President Bush, on Saturday, devoted part of a two-day trip to Illinois to a local community college to tout proposals for increasing the federal government's expenditures on science education. Accompanied by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he visited an innovative program to retrain high school dropouts as medical technicians.

"Clearly the answer to America's health-care problems," stated the president, "is to cut costs wherever possible. Many of the more routine procedures in a doctor's office don't require a real understanding of the sciences behind them. It's not rocket science. It's more like factory or peace work. If it can be done cheaper, the hospitals and doctors offices will have more profits which will lead to better health care."

Senator Frist, a physician from Tennessee, praised the president's initiatives. "I always felt that the president was right on the mark when he described practicing medicine as "spreading love". The program that they have developed here will enable anyone to be able to spread their own love, freeing the doctor for more important things, such as practicing preventative medicine against the evils of abortion, birth control, and the epidemic of premarital sex. In turn, we will all be blessed by a decrease in the rate of sexually transmitted diseases."

The rigorous two week medical technician training program developed by the community college in Aurora offers high school dropouts intensive training in the mechanics of performing routine lab procedures such as gynecological exams. In addition, the trainees receive extensive instruction in the practice of abstinence as birth control.

The two-day visit to Illinois kicked off a concerted effort by the White House to surgically alter tragically failed policy initiatives and make them more presentable to the American public in the run-up to this fall's crucial election.

Democratic Senator John Kerry berated the administration for what he called continued attempts at "selling snake oil" to the American voter. "This is legislative malpractice of the highest order," stated Kerry, "it is nothing more than pseudoscientific "pap", and a "smear" on the integrity of the federal government."
 

 

07/10/06 Sixth Person, Rumsfeld, Charged with Rape and Murder of Iraq

Washington, DC (APE) - Close on the heels of the arrest of ex soldier Stephen D. Green last week in North Carolina, the Pentagon braced itself for the possibility of higher profile arrests. Late last night, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was clandestinely rendered by covert United Nations security personnel. UN sources stated that plans are for his extradition at the request of the fledgling government of Iraq to an undisclosed location, where he will be charged and tried for the overall rape and murder of Iraq.

The Bush administration refused comment on the breaking story, except to express outrage over what they termed a "political abduction".

The administration clearly appeared to have been blindsided by the arrest, as the president and a few key Cabinet members and advisers were attending a Washington Nationals baseball game last night. The group, comprised of the president, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and White House adviser Josh Bolton were maintaining a low-key attendance, until they were apparently informed of Rumsfeld's abduction. President Bush then appeared to choke on a nacho, but an alert secret serviceman quickly applied the Heimlich maneuver. The entire group left hurriedly moments later.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki was quoted as being very pleased that the United Nations had responded so quickly to his calls for an independent investigation. Earlier in the week, the fledgling government had reluctantly agreed to cooperate with US investigators, and plans were being made to exhume the remains of the 15 year-old girl that ex Pfc. Steven D. Green is accused of raping and murdering. Al-Maliki today stated that the new Iraqi government was pledging total cooperation with the United Nations investigation, and in defiance of Sharia Law, they were prepared to exhume the remains of over 250,000 Iraqis, if need be, to bolster the case against Rumsfeld.

In what might be termed a stunning combination blow to the administration, US Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton was rushed to the hospital late last night from the floor of the United Nations. Witnesses stated that he had just begun an angry diatribe against the United Nations over the abduction of Rumsfeld when he suddenly became silent and collapsed. Many speculated that he appeared to have ruptured an aneurysm in mid-rant. The White House is refusing comment this morning on the condition of Bolton, saying only that his level of stability remains unchanged.

 

 

07/08/06 Opening in Theatres this Weekend: Pirates of the Potomac

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - "Pirates of the Potomac" re-opens this weekend in movie theatres across the nation. Starring Hollywood newcomer Georgie Inept, it tells the tale of a band of scurvy swashbuckling beltway insiders who mount a renewed quest for the legendary social security lockbox, or "nearly dead man's chest".

Inept reprises his role as Commander Jackass Chicken Hawk and succeeds in bringing the audience to it's knees in laughter and tears, with his portrayal as a dry-drunken bumbling buffoon in charge of a band of greedy misfits.

Commander Chicken Hawk and the crew of the Ghost Tanker Black Gold, on the occasion of the commander's sixtieth birthday, abandon their quest for oily riches, and instead attempt to plunder the mother lode of the legendary "Nearly Dead Man's Chest".

Hilarity and hi-jinx abound as the crew meets stiff resistance from a fortified and entrenched band of citizens determined to guard and preserve the lockbox for all times.

"Pirates of the Potomac" has been rated PG-13 for occasional profanity, and repeated instances of torture and violence.

 

 

07/07/06 Bush 60th Birthday Celebration Nearly Starts 2nd Chicago Fire

Chicago, IL (Rotters) - A downtown Chicago restaurant, ironically named "The Firehouse", was briefly evacuated last night after President Bush's 60th birthday celebration nearly touched off a larger fire.

The president was attempting to blow out the candles on his birthday cake, presented by his chief political adviser Karl Rove, when a burst of flames erupted. No one was apparently injured during the incident, and fortunately the restaurant's sprinkler system was not activated.



White House spokesperson Tony Snow angrily denied that the president had been drinking a little bit to celebrate his birthday.

Chicago fire Department officials were dispatched to the scene of the incident. An anonymous spokesperson for the department joked that the city was fortunate to have been spared another disaster reminiscent of Mrs. O'Leary's cow. "I think that we're all very lucky that they hadn't actually tried to put 60 candles on the cake." The spokesperson refused to comment further as to the origins of the burst of flames saying only that there was some evidence of an accelerant being involved.

Outside of a few singed hairs, a White House spokesperson claimed that the president was unharmed.



The president is scheduled to kick off his newly revamped public relations working vacation tour during his two-day stay in Chicago. Called the "Bamboozle-Palooza Domestic Guerrilla Warfare Tour", aides have vowed that the president will wrest back control over the national debate with extended local stealth visits. The administration is gambling that the guerrilla PR attacks in multiple locations focusing on what a nice folksy guy the president is, will distract Americans from the deeds of the administration, and put them back in touch with the man that they elected.

 

 

07/05/06 North Korean missile Barrage Falls Silent, Charismatic Leader Slim Jong Il Missing

Seoul, South Korea (APE) - After a day of missile testing which saw a total of anywhere from seven to ten launches, depending upon accounts, Pyongyang has become suddenly silent amidst rumors that it's charismatic leader "Slim" Jong Il has gone missing. Formerly known as Kim Jong Il, he had recently given himself a state sanctioned name change to "Slim" after reportedly dieting and losing over 30 pounds through force of will alone. Rumors soared throughout Asia that Slim had surreptitiously boarded the last missile fired yesterday, the vaunted "Dung Ho" missile which is reportedly capable of reaching the continental United States. North Korean officials refused to comment on the allegations.

Authorities on North Korea have speculated that the barrage of missile launches may have been timed to coincide with America's Fourth of July festivities yesterday. Slim Jong Il, long a bitter enemy of the United States, is conversely noted for his love and appreciation for many things American including Whiskey and Cinema. He currently presides over a decades old multi-generational repressive regime in North Korea.

Unconfirmed eyewitness reports smuggled out from Pyongyang suggest that the dictator for life may have been attempting a defection to the United States. He reportedly addressed each flight engineer and technician by name, thanking them and smiling as he clambered aboard the Dung Ho. North Korean authorities vehemently denied the stories, stating that Slim would likely issue a statement regarding plans for future missile tests later in the day.

Bush Administration officials refused to comment or speculate until further information became available. In another possibly related development, the US State Department acknowledged that former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright has apparently inexplicably disappeared overnight.

 

07/04/06 A Fourth of July Tribute to our American Patriots and Floundering Fathers

George Washington

"Worst in War... Worst in Peace... and Worst in the hearts of his countrymen"

"I cannot not tell a lie..."

Benjamin Franklin

"A snitch and slime saves time..."

"Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes a man stealthy, and stick to his lies..."

Patrick Henry

"Give them liberty or kill them all..."

Nathan Hale

"I regret that I have but given 2535 lives for their country..."

Benedict Arnold

"Having ... become a cripple in the service of Connecticut, I little expected to meet (such) ungrateful returns,"

Thomas Jefferson

"A coward is much more disposed to quarrel with a man of spirit. "

"A democracy is nothing more than a gerrymander, where thirty-five percent of the people conspire to take away the rights of the other sixty-five."

 

07/03/06 Crack found in Discovery Foam Insulation, Bush Administration Vows Night Time Launch

Cape Canaveral, FL (Rotters) – Preflight inspectors found a five ounce bag of crack buried deep in the insulation foam covering the space shuttle Discovery's external fuel tank. It was uncertain whether this would jeopardize Discovery's planned July 4th launch.

The crack was discovered overnight during a prolonged inspection. The location made it easy to hide the crack, and mission planners felt that this was the reason it may have been previously overlooked.

"We don't know the extent of this problem," stated NASA spokesman George Diller, "But our engineers have had to deal with a lot of frustrations and long hours lately, so it's understandable how this could have arisen."

The Discovery's launch has been postponed twice this past week for "weather concerns". An internal email linked to Rotters revealed that on both occasions, the launch had been delayed by Bush officials who were insisting upon a night time launch for the Fourth of July.

Dick Cheney, appearing in Daytona, FL for an unrelated NASCAR event described the assertions of administration involvement as "preposterous". He expressed support and confidence in the judgment of the NASA ground crew. He stated, "I have every reason to believe these guys are going to come through for America, and it will be on the Fourth… this firecracker is going off if I have to light it myself."
 

 

07/01/06 Bush Presents Koizumi with Velvet Elvis as Gift after Visit to Graceland

Memphis, TN (APE) - President Bush concluded Japanese prime minister Junichiro Koizumi's visit to Graceland yesterday by presenting the Elvis fan with another piece of American iconoclastic culture, a huge "Velvet Elvis". Koizumi was moved by the president's gift, and described the likeness as "eerie". Bush and Koizumi, who shares a birthday with "the King", appeared to establish a real bond throughout the visit. Also on hand were Elvis' surviving relatives, wife Pricilla, and daughter Lisa Marie.

The visit was not without controversy, as a Japanese photographer, dressed for the occasion as an Elvis impersonator, began to shout pointed questions at Koizumi. He shouted repeatedly, "Mr. Prime Minister, what do you have to say after Japan has forced you to withdraw troops from the disastrous occupation of Iraq?!".  The photographer was quickly wrestled to the ground and removed by secret service men. The prime minister, without missing a beat donned a pair of Elvis' actual sunglasses and broke into his own impersonation, singing, "Wise men say... only fools rush in..."

White House aide Karl Rove, who had arranged the entire taxpayer funded junket, branded the trip an overwhelming success. He stated, "We're telling America, and the whole world, that, in regards to Iraq, Elvis will never leave the building."

 

06/30/06 Emblazoned Saddles

Here's one for all you Webb supporters in Virginia!

"All right! Nobody vote, or the Senator gets it!"

 

He rode emblazoned saddles

While others went to war

Nabob who offered prattle

And bad spin, smear, and tar

His awkward fear and his awkward hate

Confirmed our might’s in the way

His fake emblazoned saddles

Will scorch the Right this day

 

06/29/06 Brintney Threatens Harper's with Lawsuit after Nude Cover Bumped by Rice

New York (APE) - Teen idol Britney Spears threatened the publishers of Harper's Bazaar with a multi-million dollar lawsuit today when it was revealed that her controversial pregnant nude cover and spread was being bumped by a similar pictorial of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Harper's stated that it had never made a firm commitment to Spears and that the magazine had exercised its editorial rights to bring a story that would be of more interest to its readers.

"This is our fall shopping review issue," stated a Harper's editor, who wished to remain anonymous for legal reasons, "we felt that Ms. Rice would be a far better tie in with this theme. Condi had a much better story to tell, as well."

Rice, in a similar situation to Spears, will reportedly include nude photos of her first child, and elaborate upon the circumstances behind her now second pregnancy. Rice steadfastly refuses to reveal the identity of the father of the two children, citing national security concerns, but speaks at length about the rigors involved in successfully concealing her first pregnancy while maintaining a full time job.

In the issue, Rice describes her experiences on shopping in Europe under a tight budget with time constraints.

Rice was asked to comment upon how the controversial article and photo spread might reflect upon her position in the Bush Administration. She stated, "I pride myself as always being on top of things... at the same time, you try to plan carefully, but leaks happen. I really don't see how this will affect my abilities to continue to serve the President. I think that, as Americans, we should all just trust President Bush. If he says we're protected, then we're protected."

Lawyers representing Britney Spears refused to comment.

 

06/28/06 Kidman/Urban Secret Honeymoon Destination Discovered and Targeted by Lone Paparazzi

Baghdad, Iraq (O! Online) - Newlyweds Nicole Kidman and the Keith Urban had their secret honeymoon plans in the US military Green Zone in Baghdad dashed by a lone paparazzi. The couple had planned to show their international support for both Australian and American occupation forces by spending their honeymoon in the Green Zone. The couple was reportedly very frightened by the experience, hastily canceling the remainder of their honeymoon, and immediately flying to the island of Fiji according to Kidman's publicist.

Kidman's publicist went on to state that the couple originally felt it was important to be showing support for the Australian and American troops tasked with the unpopular prolonged occupation of Iraq, while not implicitly endorsing the original decision to go to war by both governments. She stated also that it was sad that the couple had to leave so quickly for their own safety. Kidman was reportedly very angered over continued assurances of improved security from the US government, and the arrangements made for the honeymoon through the State Department.

Kidman and Urban apparently became very shaken when an IED was set off by a lone paparazzi in order to elicit a reaction from the couple and snap a picture. No one was hurt during the explosion and a military photographer was able to capture a picture of the incident. Military authorities stated that the paparazzi was immediately caught and has been transported to Guantánamo Bay, Cuba for further interrogation. The military refused to release photos, or the identity or nationality of the unknown paparazzi, and expressed embarrassment over security lapses. They stated only that the paparazzi had managed to cleverly avoid discovery by disguising himself as an insurgent.

The US State Department expressed its regrets over the incident, and stated that they were looking into the possibility of a refund of the couple's reservations. A State Department representative stated that the prospects for a refund did not look good, however, in that it might send the wrong message to the public in regards to the burgeoning Baghdad Green Zone tourism industry.

Archconservative Grover Norquist has spearheaded the increasingly popular Green Zone junkets for celebrities and politicians alike. For recommended donations of $200,000 or more to his organization "Americans for Tax Reform", Norquist is able to facilitate arrangements through the Bush administration and the American occupational forces. Previously, interested parties had to also work through convicted felon Jack Abramoff, but Norquist has been able to successfully streamline the process.

Norquist stated, "You can imagine our disappointment last month when Brad and Angelina opted to have their baby in Namibia. Right up until the last minute I honestly thought we had a shot at them. It's really great when you see a young couple like the Urbans stand up and try to make a sacrifice. I'm very disappointed that it didn't work out better for them."

Norquist continued, "Our goal at some point is to have amount of the suggested donations drop to the point that any American or world citizen may be able to come to the Green Zone and see for themselves what we have accomplished. I just hope these isolated incidents of violence around Baghdad won't deter tourism and that they can be scrubbed up by the new government. I suppose you could consider the entire country of Iraq to be a giant post-Saddam bathtub with the Green Zone in Baghdad as the drain. It's only natural that all the dirt and scum would kind of accumulate and sometimes clog up the works there."

Kidman's publicist stated that the couple's honeymoon would likely be extended for another week in Fiji, in order that they might be able to better put the incident behind them. A planned visit by the couple to Australian neighbor East Timor has been cancelled.

 

 

06/27/06 Rush Limbaugh Broadcasts Live from Lock-up in Palm Beach County Florida

West Palm Beach , FL (APE) - Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh was detained tonight by US Customs officials for possessing prescription drugs without a legitimate prescription. Limbaugh was found to be carrying a number of medications, including Viagra, which he insisted was not for his own personal use. Limbaugh was returning from a trip to the Dominican Republic when he was detained.

Authorities described Limbaugh as very cooperative throughout and as such allowed him to conduct his regularly scheduled talk show from lock-up. Hundreds of loyal "ditto heads" phoned in with pledges of cash, netting almost $200 for the evening. While Limbaugh was unable to make bail, he was released anyway.

The highlight of the evening was when Limgbaugh insisted that a particular caller was in reality a Mr. Mike Stark, and he accused him of setting him up for the arrest. Limbaugh insisted that the sheriff's department contact Fox security and have the caller investigated.

Limbaugh described his experience for his listeners as "Very realistic". He cited TV's "Law and Order" as being a fairly accurate portrayal of what happens to celebrities who become chronic  substance abusers.

Limbaugh's characteristic cigar was absent, and he stated that it had been confiscated along with the Viagra. He urged listeners not to interpret anything into this, saying, "Sometimes a cigar really IS just a cigar, and the Viagra isn't really mine."

 

 

06/26/06 Flag Burning Amendment Debate Halted after Flag Spontaneously Combusts on Senate Floor

Washington, DC (Rotters) – Senate Majority leader Bill Frist was slightly injured today as an American flag spontaneously combusted behind him on the floor of the senate this morning. Frist suffered singed eyebrows and what were described as minor first degree burns to the face. Visibly shaken, he was treated at the scene for his injuries and not transported to the hospital.

The senate was immediately cleared as Capitol Police brought in fire inspectors to investigate the strange incident.

The senate was in the midst of a hotly contested debate over a controversial amendment to the constitution on flag burning, that senator Frist had vowed to bring to a vote by weeks end.

Some witnesses reported a distinct aroma of jingoism in the air minutes before the fire, and inspectors stated that they couldn't rule this out as a contributing factor.

Frist afterwards accused his opponents across the isle of yet another dangerous and futile political stunt. Democrats protested their innocence as fire inspectors stated that the fire at this point had no evidence of being intentionally set and appeared almost to be an act of self immolation.

Democratic Minority leader Harry Reid commented, "It is interesting that our honored colleagues are quite comfortable with all manner of personification when it comes to our nation's flag… and yet when one appears to make the ultimate sacrifice in protest, they suddenly have problems believing."


 

06/25/06 Norquist Scalped Over $1.5 Million from Tribes in Abramoff Republican Influence Peddling Scandal

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Political Activist Grover Norquist was released from Walter Reed Hospital today after being admitted late Friday evening, the victim of a horrific assault. Hospital authorities refused to comment on the extent of Mr. Norquist's injuries except to say that he is apparently the first victim of a scalping in over 100 years of American history. Outside of a few cuts and bruises, Norquist was apparently uninjured, and his head merely shaved against his will rather than the scalp cut off and removed.

Police authorities, quoting from a report filed after the incident, stated that Norquist was apparently briefly abducted after appearing at a $100,000 a plate republican fund raiser in Washington Friday evening. Norquist was unable to accurately describe the five assailants saying only that they appeared to him to be of Native American heritage. A police spokesperson described the investigation thus far as a nightmare, given the number of Native American tribes who might now wish harm upon Norquist.

Norquist, and his "Americans for Tax Reform" group were implicated in fleecing various Native American tribes to the tune of $1.5 million in over 1000 pages of Email transcripts released to the press this week. Norquist appeared to have worked in conjunction with longtime friend Jack Abramoff, and was handsomely rewarded for his efforts in securing "face time" with President Bush and his chief political advisor Karl Rove. Abramoff has already plead guilty to charges of bribery in connection to the massive republican influence peddling scandal.

Hospital authorities stated that they held Mr. Norquist overnight out of concerns for his mental status at the time, but experts established over 24 hours that he was at baseline. Norquist was released with instructions to sit in a warm bath to facilitate healing from his injuries.

Norquist has vowed to see that those responsible for his assault be brought to justice. An outpouring of sympathy from the Bush administration was apparent as President Bush pledged the full support of his illegal wiretapping and financial data-mining programs in the ongoing investigation. Ann Coulter has offered her favorite Louisville Slugger to Norquist for his personal defense, and has offered some of her own hair until his grows back.

 

06/24/06 Miami Terror Group Disavowed by Zawahiri and Al-Qaeda

Washington, DC (APE) - Al Jazeera today released a videotape, reportedly from Al-Qaeda second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri, in which he disavows any association with the group of amateur terrorists arrested earlier this week in Miami, FL. He further went on to chastise the US Government  and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales in particular for failing to listen to repeated warnings from Al-Qaeda in regards to the existence of the group. Zawahiri stated, "We sent them phone numbers that they had tried to use to contact us, bank accounts for which they had requested money be sent to. We even suggested that they interview Richard Reid, because we had knowledge that these men had tried to contact him in prison... but they refused to act. We must assume that this has been a deliberate propaganda attempt at smearing the reputation of Al-Qaeda."

The North Miami area is still abuzz with the news, and the small warehouse that the group used remains cordoned off by police.

"You could tell that they were a little weird," said a neighborhood resident who wished to remain anonymous, "They always acted real secretive... and they had these slogans like... "Never talk about terror club" and, "What happens in terror club, stays in terror club". Pretty much everybody thought they were just stupid and kind of harmless. But I know for a fact that they were reported to the police a bunch of times."

Lawyers for the accused today petitioned the court to allow independent psychiatric evaluations to assess each for competency to stand trial, but this was vigorously opposed by the Federal Government's lawyers.

Among the accusations facing the men are the government's contention that they attempted to buy quantities of ammonium nitrate and guns. Defense counsel today insisted that the chemicals were merely being used in the manufacture of homemade soap, which the group sold as a way to raise funds.

Critics have claimed that the timing of the arrests were quite suspicious in that they appeared to be an effort at bolstering support for the flagging public opinion of both President Bush and the war in Iraq. The group had been followed since early December and rapidly deemed to be a minimal threat when they attempted to buy a used nuclear weapon from an FBI undercover agent.

The Department of Justice denied any political motivation in the timing of the arrests and furthermore denied any attempts at contact by al-Zawahiri and al-Qaeda. They instead praised a combination of controversial covert wiretapping and financial tracking programs with credit for the apprehensions.

 

 

06/22/06 Senators Santorum and Lieberman Produce Iraqi Mustard Canister for Disbelieving Press

Washington, DC (Rotters) - After being rebuffed by the press yesterday for disclosing a two-month old report on the Army's continued destruction of deteriorated pre-1991 munitions containing evidence of mustard gas and sarin, Pennsylvania Republican Senator Rick Santorum accompanied by Connecticut Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman, as a sign of bipartisan support, produced one of the actual recovered canisters at a follow up press conference this morning. Santorum and Lieberman went on to reiterate that this was clearly evidence of the existence of weapons of mass destruction prior to the invasion of Iraq, therefore justifying the Bush administration's actions.

"We have also clearly been able to discern that there was indeed a French connection involved in Saddam Hussein's WMD development program after all." stated Santorum. "We must support the president and our troops on the ground until their original mission is fulfilled and all of Iraq is free from the threat of mustard gas and saffron."

"There is a story circulating that these canisters are largely empty or that the contents are no longer potent and long since expired," stated Senator Lieberman. "This is a dangerous assumption to be making. As you can see, on this particular canister, it is clearly marked that the contents will remain potent through 2008."

"We have further evidence," continued Santorum," that the insurgency in Iraq has been clandestinely hording stockpiles in refrigerated devices throughout the country, perhaps waiting for the right moment to spring a lethal trap. Our independent investigators have also concluded that this particular type of mustard as it deteriorates actually produces a far more noxious compound than the original."

The White House refused comment on Santorum and Lieberman's presentation, stating only that it relished the support from the two. White House sources stated that the president may have something to say on the issue after his return from Europe later today, but for now they were merely playing catsup on the story.

Critics immediately blasted Santorum and accused him of hot dogging for the press. Liberal blogs across the Internet seized upon Lieberman's support for the story and began referring to him as "Joe Condimentum" in anger and frustration.

 

06/21/06 US Announces Successful North Korean Ballistic Missile Intercept

Vienna, Austria (APE) - US secretary of state Condoleezza Rice, accompanying President Bush on a diplomatic trip to Austria and the European Union, today announced a successful real world activation of the United States' highly secret Star Wars antimissile system. Administration officials praised the systems effectiveness and accuracy, stating that they were able to intercept North Korea's controversial Taepodong-2 ballistic missile during its most vulnerable pre-launch refueling stage. The Pentagon described the technological feat as being "surgical", with the missile being completely destroyed.

"How appropriate that we are speaking today in Austria, the birthplace of a movement," stated Rice. "Let this serve as a warning to Iran as well that nuclear proliferation will not be tolerated. The axis of evil will be disassembled one way or another. This is a great victory for the CIA and NSA's newly revamped intelligence gathering abilities."

The Pentagon remained close-lipped about the computer technology involved in being able to track a provocative target even before it begins moving, but stated that the successful deployment had exceeded their wildest expectations.

White House press secretary Tony Snow stated that the administration expected some fall-out worldwide over the successful deployment, but stated that President Bush remained firm in his convictions.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was reached for comment afterwards but had difficulty in responding to the news initially, secondary to an unexplained atmospheric electromagnetic disruption combined with a massive power outage. In a garbled transmission, Kim appeared to figuratively accuse President Bush of having an addiction to the prescription drug Viagra along with a case of chronic premature ejaculation.

 

06/19/06  S*H*A*M

Genocide is Faceless

Through earthly warming smog I see
Divisions all with things for me
The planes have all propelled my spree
We've atomized all I can see...

Genocide is faceless,
The charges all are baseless,
And we can make believe it wasn't me...

I'll try to find a way to fake
Present it as a coy debate
Whip up that effervescent hate
I'll not, you know, capitulate...

Genocide is faceless,
The charges all are baseless,
And we can make believe it wasn't me...

This game with strife it's hard to say
I wouldn't use it anyway
Misusing war will someday pay
So this is call for us to stay...

Genocide is faceless,
The charges all are baseless,
And we can make believe it wasn't me...

The only sin is in defeat
I'll mow them down in pure conceit
And to my brother give my seat
The drums of war an endless beat...

Genocide is faceless,
The charges all are baseless,
And we can make believe it wasn't me...

My horde of crime is fierce with spin
They'll always flirt with mortal sins
But as they clerk and prey on men
The gains grow larger... watch us grin, but...

Genocide is faceless,
The charges all are baseless,
And we can make believe it wasn't me...

A grave man once suggested we,
"Should act like Christians, let it be..."
But if we'd leave Iraqis free
They may decide to come for me... cause...

Genocide is faceless,
The charges all are baseless,
And we can make believe it wasn't me...
... And you will rue the blame game on your knees.
 

 

 

06/18/06 Smirkin' in the Rain

Dub- D-dub- Dub - Dub - Dub
Dub- D-dub- Dub - Dub - Dub - Dub
Dub- D-dub- Dub - Dub - Dub - Dub
Dub- D-dub- Dub - Dub - Dub - Dub...

I'm smirkin' in the rain,
Just a jerk here in the rain
A notorious Moron
Who says "Bring it on!"

I'm gaffin' out loud
And I'm handled with gloves
The fun's throwin' darts
At that olive-branched-dove
Let the smarmy crowds race
To glance at my face
We swirl down the drain
So my smile's out of place
I talk real insane
With just half of my brain
Just smirkin',
Smirkin, in the rain

Lyin' in the rain
Dub-ya dub-ya dub-ya
Dub-ya dub-ya dub-ya
I'm snappy with spin
I'm lyin' and smirkin' in the rain!

I'm lyin' and smirkin' in the rain...
Why am I styling
Just like I'm a king?
Why does November
See money and bling?
Why do I cut up
During all the hard parts?
Sappy and full up
A boy not too smart
Why is my hip flask
A trifle taboo?
Because I'm livin'
My life off of you.
 

 

06/17/06 Borracho Hombre

 

06/17/06 Bush Caps off Upbeat Week in the News with a Political Coup

Seattle, WA (Rotters) - Capping off a decidedly upturned week in the news for the Bush administration the president made an appearance yesterday in Washington state to endorse Republican candidates in various state and local races. Media reporters greeting the president as he disembarked Air Force One were stunned to see him emerge with peace activist Cindy Sheehan in tow. According to White House sources, this was the culmination of the administration's working behind the scenes in secret for months in negotiations to allow Mrs. Sheehan the audience with the president that she has demanded.

"We're excited to have her, and other Gold Star moms aboard now," stated presidential adviser Karl Rove. "The president is a very persuasive man, and over the course of a two-hour visit, Mrs. Sheehan seemed to realize the error of her ways."

Friends and family of Sheehan had become concerned over her unexplained disappearance for much of the day yesterday, as she was whisked away in secrecy to meet with the president. Sheehan's meeting comes as a stunning blow to what the administration describes as a weakening anti-war insurgency within America. Sheehan later appeared at a campaign stop with Bush in support of Washington freshman Republican Representative Dave Reichert. Sheehan spoke little at both appearances, and when she did, witnesses described her speech is being slurred and almost unintelligible. She appeared tearful and emotionally overwhelmed, often relying on the president and others to maintain her balance.

Sheehan's immediate family became concerned after she returned from the trip and appeared obtunded. A representative for the family stated that out of concern, blood tests were performed on Sheehan which tested positive for both Rohypnol and Gamma Hydroxybutyrate.

Presidential adviser Karl Rove refused to speculate as to the reasons for the illicit drugs showing up in Sheehan's system. "This is not the time to be casting aspersions upon this poor woman who has suffered such a great loss," stated Rove. "Our energies should be focused on welcoming back into the fold our fellow citizens who are beginning to wake up and find themselves on the wrong side of the issues in the war on terror."

 

06/17/06 Springtime For Bush

 

06/14/06 Rove Makes Surprise Secret Visit to Hartford, Connecticut

Hartford, CT (APE) - One day after his apparently being cleared of wrongdoing by federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, Karl Rove made a daring daylight visit to Hartford, CT. Dressed in flack jackets and full battle gear, Rove and his contingent swooped in at treetop level over the embattled city aboard Marine 1. Traveling then by armored limousine, Rove then paid a visit to bolster the fledgling independent campaign of embattled Senator Joe Lieberman.

Lieberman is faced with having his government overthrown by a rebellious Progressive Democratic insurgency which he claims has infiltrated the ranks of his ruling party. Lieberman has threatened to withdraw his troops from the Democratic Primary and establish a Guerilla Independent movement of his own in order to put down dissent within the state.

"When the President of the United States makes a commitment, he honors it," stated Rove to a group of Lieberman loyalists gathered in the capitol. "The President has authorized whatever resources are needed to insure that a Republican anointed Democratic party is brought to the good people of Connecticut."

Lieberman spoke at the gathering alongside the President's top political advisor, and was appreciative of the show of support. "This insurgency will be dealt with mercilessly," he stated. "The people of Connecticut should steal themselves for the long fight and have patience with this needless slander and mudshed which is likely to increase before it gets better. Osama ned-Lamant will be caught and punished."

Rove spent approximately three hours in the safe Red-Light district of Hartford, during which he reviewed the phone banks, disinformation operations, and security personnel loyal to Lieberman. He then left under heavy security, returning to Marine 1, and he then reportedly returned to Washington, DC.

In a somewhat related story, former Vice Presidential Assistant Scooter Libby was wrestled to the ground after an apparent attempt to escape Federal custody today. Libby was appearing in a pre-trial hearing in regards to his role in the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Libby apparently took advantage of a lapse in security by a federal agent and attempted to blend in and escape amongst a group of youths who were marching in support of environmental concerns.

Libby's lawyers called the charges of attempted flight "nonsense", and chalked their client's behavior up as "spontaneous exuberance". No charges have been filed at present.


 

06/13/06 Bush Visits Iraq in Secret, Bin Laden Visits Ground Zero

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - President Bush today paid a surprise visit to new Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and offered that the US would stay as long as necessary to secure the country. "When America gives its word, it keeps its word," stated Bush. The president's globetrotting photo opportunity comes but six days after Al Qaeda in Iraq terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed in a US airstrike. After the president left Nouri al-Maliki vowed that a new security crackdown would be launched in Baghdad in which insurgents would be shown "no mercy".

Bush remained in Baghdad for approximately 5 1/2 hours. Prior to leaving he made a detour to a secret facility in the area of the Baghdad airport and paid a visit to deposed dictator Saddam Hussein.

Hussein appeared to be surprised by the visit, and the former combatants spoke amicably through interpreters. Bush spoke with Hussein on various topics including strategies to unite Iraq and squelch Sunni and Shi'ite unrest. Hussein offered that he would be glad to discuss with the new prime minister some of his ideas and coach him on the concept of mercilessness.

While Bush was boarding Air Force One for his return flight to America, Al Jazeera released a photo, claiming that Osama bin Laden had today visited ground zero in an asymmetrical warfare coup. Sources stated that bin Laden's visit was a complete surprise, even to his niece, Wafah Dufour, a model, singer, and actress currently living in New York. Bin Laden reportedly had lunch with her in an unnamed Mediterranean restaurant after his visit to ground zero.

Security around bin Laden's visit was reportedly very tight, and the Al Qaeda mastermind spent approximately 4 hours in New York. It is rumored that bin Laden then left for Canada, but this could not be verified. Sources close to Al Qaeda stated that bin Laden was very pleased with the results of the attack on America and the progress being made in reverting America to a radical fundamentalist theocracy. Sources stated that bin Laden planned to release a tape at a future date.

 

06/12/06 Rumsfeld: Guantanamo Bay Personnel to be Retrained over Prisoner Suicides

Washington, DC (Rotters) – Fresh from a meeting with presidential staffers over the war in Iraq, secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today addressed concerns over the recent apparent suicides of three prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Navy Rear Admiral Harry Harris had earlier described the suicides as “not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetric warfare against us.”

Rumsfeld today offered an apology for the Admiral’s remarks stating that “he obviously should not have said what he said in the passion of the moment.” He stated that further disciplinary action in regards to the Admiral would likely be limited to a public apology.

“The bottom line,” stated Rumsfeld, “is that Harry is a good man whom I truly believe knew better. People often forget that we are at war, and good folks can do some fairly unpredictable things when they’re under attack. It was wrong for the Admiral to be so cavalier with his comments so soon after an attack without an OK from the White House. Sure, some damage has been done, in letting the enemy know our responses, but honestly, it appears to be minimal at this point.”

“We’ve learned a lot from this experience,” continued Rumsfeld, “And America can rest assured that we are going to do everything humanly possible to keep our wonderful men and women in the armed services out of harms way. No one, I think, could have predicted such an attack from within our own base at Guantanamo but we’re working hard to fill in the gaps as quickly as possible.”

“Effective immediately, all guards will be rotated through rigorous counseling to counter any effects this dastardly attack may have. We have also made mandatory extra sensitivity training for all troops involved at Camp Delta. They will become much more adept at assessing the signs for potential suicide from prisoners and will adopt a “shoot first, resolve the situation later” attitude in the future to prevent them from being exposed to further attacks.”

“Our hearts and prayers go out to the guards and their loved ones who have been affected in this senseless act of violence. This is the nature of the enemy that we face and absolutely must defeat.”

 

 

06/11/06 Prexy Quest

(I've been accused of being a little partisan by some folks... in an effort to be an equal opportunity photoshopper, follow the link to my proposed movie idea)

 

06/10/06 Bush Meets With Danish Prime Minister on Successful Mandate

Camp Brokeback, MD (APE) - After a stinging defeat in the Senate of his proposed constitutional marriage amendment, President Bush met with Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen for a relaxing weekend mixed with policy and strategy. After meeting with the prime minister, Bush spoke with the press and offered conciliatory changes which might make his largely Anti-gay marriage amendment more palatable to congress in the next version.

Earlier in the week, rumors had persisted throughout the internet of a possible Bush homosexual experimentation/affair with an anonymous Scandinavian diplomatic official in the 1980's. The story was not covered by the mainstream media, but seemed to gain a  foothold through various liberal and conservative "blogs". The White House thus far has dismissed the story as a "warped fantasy" and has refused further comment. Conservative pundits have been less than satisfied with Bush's lukewarm support for the constitutional Gay marriage ban, and some are beginning to feel that they may now have their answer for Bush's behavior.

Bush's revamped ideas are said to be more tolerant of the concept of a separate legal partnership from that of a religious marriage, much like is done in many places in Europe. Religious leaders in America are said to be appalled at the president's perceived backsliding on the issue of the separation of Church and State.

Bush reportedly has a longstanding relationship with the Prime Minister, both are described in the public as "ruggedly handsome outdoorsmen". White House staffers stated that the two have grown to cherish the dwindling times that they have had together as their careers have parted and individual family demands have increased. "I really love the times when it's Foghey up on Brokeback," said the president.

 

 

 

06/09/06 Yearly Kos Netroots Convention Turns into Fundraising "Desert Storm" in Las Vegas

Las Vegas, NV (APE) - Casino Owners throughout Las Vegas have put their staffs on alert for attendees of the Yearly Kos convention at the Riviera. It appears that there has been an orchestrated effort to attack and break eight of the most popular Casinos simultaneously. Casinos are reporting a net gambling loss of almost $3 million within three hours of the convention's opening late yesterday.

Terrance Benedict, owner of the Bellagio stated, "These people are slick. We don't know how they're doing it, but we will catch them eventually. They head straight for the Black Jack tables... we had to shut them all down late last night. I' ve looked at some of the security tapes, and I've never seen this degree of card counting skill since Rainman."

RNC chairman Ken Mehlman offered, "We've been trying to warn America about this "ultra fringe element" of the democratic party for years. Unless they're stopped quickly, they could conceivably walk away with over $100 million in cash, more than enough to price us right out of the market in this fall's election. This is a good example of why we have been preaching distrust of intellectuals in general."

Police have been reluctant to become involved, as The Yearly Kos convention has all the earmarks of legitimacy, featuring appearances by prominent party luminaries such as Harry Reid and Wesley Clark, just to name a few.

Marcos Moulitsas, founder of the popular Progressive Blog The Daily Kos refused to comment about individual motives of the attendees and dismissed any ideas that an organized effort at fundraising through gambling was underway. "Elections are a science now, and they're no longer a crapshoot," stated Moulitsas, "We've just found a way of lowering the odds and bringing everybody to the high stakes table."

The Yearly Kos convention continues through this Sunday and casino owners are considering issuing a ban on entry for anyone wearing orange citywide.

 

06/08/06 Bush Credits Others with Assistance in Bringing Down Al-Zarqawi

Baghdad, Iraq (Rotters) - With Iraq and the middle east abuzz over the news of the death of Al-Qaeda lieutenant mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, president Bush today revealed his personal role in the killing. After an all night flight from New Mexico aboard Air Force One, Bush talked of his role with the combined Iraqi-American forces in laying down suppressive fire to pin down Zarqawi's group while waiting on the helicopter air strike.

"It got kind of hot and heavy there for a while," stated the president, "but we eventually smoked him, as they say. I wanted in on this one, because it was personal... they went after my dad."

Bush was quick to point out that this was a team effort involving co-operation between American forces and the new Iraqi government. "I just left a place in America where we're successfully securing borders, and I'm proud that we have finally done it here in Iraq for these good peoples." said Bush. "I hope Iraqis can now begin to adopt and assimilate American culture just as we are encouraging immigrants to do back home."

Iraqi/American intelligence had received word that Zarqawi and a band of loyalists were in the area north of Baghdad, possibly plotting further mayhem and destruction. When the information was deemed reliable, the president was notified, and a rapid joint response termed "Operation Falafel" was set into motion.

Algae-Zebra released footage of the final moments of Zarqawi and his band which they had received from anonymous sources. The anonymous sources stated that Zarqawi was practicing for an upcoming relief concert to aid the displaced, and victims of atrocities in Iraq. The CIA was scrambling to verify the authenticity of the footage and still captures.

President Bush, who had seen the footage earlier commented, "I personally don't doubt that the pictures are real. It shows how far we still have to go with our intelligence gathering. Who knew that he played. Can you imagine someone just playing guitar while a country is destroyed all around him?"

 

 

06/07/06 Bush Announces Reforms for US Border Patrol

Artesia, NM (APE) - President Bush yesterday visited the training academy for the US Border Patrol in New Mexico and announced sweeping and controversial changes for the organization. The tough stances on enforcement and push back on illegal immigrants' invasion of the US will be replaced by a more inclusive program of parole for repeated offenders, to be enforced by the former Border Patrol.

A system of fines and surcharges for discount crossings will be instituted, the revenue from which will be funneled back into recruitment efforts for the National Guard, and an experimental program to fast track citizenship for those willing to serve their new country.

"Who knows the border better than these guys?" stated Bush, as he addressed a new class of over 700 potential Border Patrol officers. "Show me a tired, hungry, Mexican that just wants a fair shake, and I'll show you a tough, savvy, spit in your eyes, Border Patrol Officer or National Guardsman who's ready to take on work that most Americans won't do."

Bush faces a tough sell on his new ideas from conservative members of his own party.

"Sure, they have a point about various illegalities and such," Bush stated to reporters afterwards, "but just wait until they can't find a housekeeper, or landscaper, or their pools aren't getting cleaned… they'll come around to my way pretty quick."

 

Bush stressed that his plan would also increase flagging support for the war in Iraq, and declining enlistment numbers by vastly increasing the pool of available inductees into both the regular Army, Marine Corps and the National Guard. Plans are underway for fast tracking a bi-lingual Spanish-English initiative for the Guard. The presence of troops on the border is hoped to increase awareness in illegal immigrants as to the possibility of the National Guard as a career option.

 

 

06/06/06 "The Omen" Remake of a Horror Classic Opens 06/06/06

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - The 1976 horror classic, "The Omen" has gotten a makeover. The frightening story of an antichrist run amok has been updated for the current times. The original stands as one of the best rated and scary classics in history but critics are claiming that the remake falls far short of its predecessor.

The movie is largely faithful to the original version with contemporary, true life footage of actual evil, including references to Abu Ghraib, stolen elections, graft and corruption, and wholesale murder and destruction interspersed throughout in an attempt to make it appear timely. Critics claim that this is where director John Moore's concept unexpectedly fell flat.

"In the current times we live in, we have all become so sanitized and propagandized that the horror of the real truth just isn't that scary," offered film critic Roger Ebert. "The interspersed current events throughout the movie in actuality work towards turning Damien into a likable, affable, and mischievous little five-year old... almost a "Dennis the Menace", if you will, rather than a "Chucky"."

Critics unanimously heralded the return of Mia Farrow as one of the few saving graces of the remake. Farrow portrays a radical, right-wing, baseball bat wielding author cum satanic disciple who adopts Damien as a cause and protects him throughout his career and his ascension to the throne of the Antichrist. It is by far the scariest and most realistic part of the whole film.

"The Omen" premieres today in limited release throughout the country, taking advantage of the date of 06/06/06. There will be hell to pay if you don't see and believe this movie!

 

 

06/05/06 Senator Frist Announces "War on Error", Offers Clinical Insights on Gay Marriage Amendment

Washington, DC (APE) - In an exclusive interview with APE, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, M.D. offered an explanation of why the Senate will be taking up a controversial constitutional amendment seeking to ban gay marriage. He offered his unique clinical perspective as to why, as a physician, he supports the amendment:

"First, let me be very clear that, as a physician, I must state from the onset that the medical and psychiatric community's stance has been and will continue to be that homosexuality is not an illness. I haven't thought about it very much, but perhaps this is why I chose to largely abandon the practice of medicine and become a senator."

"My view in regards to gay relationships has always been that whatever laws consenting adults wished to break in their own homes was their business so long as it did not affect my family. The problem is that we live in a different, post-9/11 time, where Americans have had to willingly sacrifice privacy in the war on terror with the ultimate goal of freedom and democracy for the world. The secrecy involved in gay relationships is a threat to our national security, and it cannot be corrected by simply making it all "legal"."

"This, however, is only the surface issue, and not the main point that I wished to make today. I am more concerned with the very real biological threat to the human species that endorsement of the gay lifestyle and indeed, legal rights to marriage poses."

"It has always been conventional wisdom that gay marriages were somewhat of an evolutionary dead end, if you will, in that the individuals could not produce offspring. The only alternative for the "gay family" was adoption or some other convoluted and expensive means of reproduction such as artificial insemination, implantation, or surrogate parenting. We have largely been effective in denying these outlets, but the scary thing is that the gay population seems to be growing at an exponential rate."

"Does everyone remember the lessons from Jurassic Park? In that movie they recreated killer dinosaurs through evil cloning experiments. They had to make sure that the dinosaurs couldn't reproduce and run amok, so they made them all male. What they didn't anticipate was God's creating a spontaneous sex change that allowed the dinosaurs to reproduce, thus teaching them a lesson about genetic interferences like cloning. Nature abhors a vacuum extraction."

"Does this explain the increase in the numbers of openly gay and lesbian people worldwide? I cannot say for certain, but the evidence is compelling. I believe that it is compelling enough that we must act now with this constitutional amendment as a first step in a global "War on Error". The lion simply must not be allowed to lay any longer with the lamb."

"The Republican leadership met in closed session secretly throughout this weekend with representatives from Revs. James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, and Pat Robertson and have drafted the crux of the US constitutional amendment against gay marriage. It needs merely to be signed into law the first thing Monday morning. In the newly declared "War on Error" there can be no compromise. Americans should think carefully. They are either with us... Or they are gay."

APE reporters were allowed a 15 minute viewing of the proposed 10 page amendment to the Constitution. A number of special interest concerns seemed to have been inserted, the most prominent of which was a $100 million allocation from the Department of Homeland security designed to modify and increase security around South Dakota's Mount Rushmore monument. There was also a proposal to introduce the orphan sport of "Surf Cow Tipping", which is popular along the Texas coastline, as an experimental sport in the next US sponsored summer Olympics.

Democratic leadership in the Senate when contacted stated that the amendment had very little chance of passing.

 

06/04/06 Technology Probes The Secrets of Destroyed American Document

Washington, DC (Rotters) - A team of US and British experts gave a presentation this weekend upon the advances that they have made in deciphering the ashes of a 200 year-old American document written upon hemp paper and destroyed recently. The remains of the document were found buried on the east lawn of the White House after the president's dog Barney had dug them up from his sandbox.

Experts agreed that while the document did appear to be over 200 years old, there were traces of what appeared to be an accelerant present, possibly some type of aged ethanol, leading them to believe that the document had been destroyed very recently. Much of the technological work was undertaken in an effort to recover legible text from the ashes, which had been further degraded by dog urine.

Researchers stated that they have been successful in recovering text from the blackened, fragile ashes. They stated that the document appears to be a treatise reconciling philosophical concerns with the earliest form of American government.

"This is an important find," stated one researcher, "it gives us an important insight into what might have been the original thinking of our founding fathers which seems to have been lost in various government redactions over the past few years or so."

The Bush administration has denied any knowledge in regards to the fate of the mysterious document. President Bush related that he had only recently heard of the existence of the document's remains from reporters pursuing the story. He described the unfolding story of the destruction of the document as "troubling", and vowed that the administration would release a full report upon the conclusion of the investigation. Bush further vowed that if there was any significance that could be assigned to the document after the investigation and a responsible party was identified, the administration would deal with them.

 

 

06/04/06 Steelers Honor Bush with Super Bowl Jersey

Washington, DC (APE) - In a 14 minute ceremony on Friday at the White House, President Bush greeted the NFL Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, and was awarded a jersey and game football signed by the team. Bush praised the Steelers as possibly being the newest "America's team" after his preferred Texas team, the Dallas Cowboys, seems to have lost the title. He praised the team's triumph through adversity and its continually manufacturing comebacks against all odds throughout the season.

"I am a man who's known for his swagger," stated the president, "and I am looking forward to dancing with Joey Porter." A 3-piece Marine Corps band was in the lobby for background music.

The president remained jocular throughout the ceremony up until he was presented with the football and game jersey. Art Rooney II presented Bush with a No. 29 Steelers jersey in recognition of the president's most recent poor poll performance. Bush at that point seemed to become somewhat teary-eyed and at a loss for words. "We certainly are looking for a big comeback from you, Mr. President," stated Rooney, "the health of our country is depending on it."

The team will be awarded their diamond Super Bowl championship rings on Sunday as President Bush throws himself into anti-gay marriage legislation. Bush concluded his remarks to the teen by stating, "I hope I'll be around next year for you to see me come back."

 

06/02/06 Bush Announces Team of Specialists to Address Troop Retraining

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In what will likely be a controversial decision, President Bush today announced a team of specialists who will begin retraining Marine and Army troops stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan after the recent revelations of alleged massacres at Haditha and other locations. Bush has re-enlisted former Army Lt. William Calley to spearhead the initiative. Calley is notorious as the only soldier convicted for the massacre of over 300 civilians at Mai Lai in 1968 during the Vietnam War. Calley was sentenced to life in prison for the offense but was released in 1974.

Calley's appointment today comes as Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, the newly elected prime minister of Iraq has angrily claimed that the American occupation force's violence against Iraqi civilians is a "daily phenomenon". Al-Maliki has also insisted that America turn over all investigative files to date in regards to the incident at Haditha to the Iraqi government so that they might conduct their own investigation. The Bush administration has yet to respond to these latest demands.

"He brings a unique perspective to this troubling incident." stated Bush at an early morning introduction in the East room of the White House. "Since he was the only person successfully convicted in the senseless tragedy at Mai Lai, his insights should be very beneficial to the boots we have on the ground now."

Calley did not field questions from reporters after the president's introduction, but White House staffers stated that he was honored to be able to again serve his country in this capacity. Since his release, Calley has resided in Columbus, Georgia and has been employed as a manager of a local jewelry store.

Calley's story and the massacre at Mai Lai became ingrained into American consciousness through a number of books, and notably a mildly successful movie starring a young Harrison Ford.

An anonymous White House news analyst stated that he was not at all surprised by the appointment of Calley, citing previous administration decisions such as the appointment of John Negroponte as overall security czar, John Bolton as US ambassador to the United Nations, and Michael Brown as a lead investigator into mismanagement of the response to hurricane Katrina. "There is a clear strategy of risk management that this administration appears to be quite comfortable with," he stated.

 

06/01/06 Dobson Vows to Shove Batwoman Back into the Closet

Colorado Springs, Co (APE) - DC Comics today announced that Batwoman was coming out of retirement and her new career will be starring as the first lesbian superhero. Kathy Kane, the older aunt of Batgirl will now be "a lesbian socialite" by day and a spandexed crime fighter by night.

The news spurred an immediate response from Christian advocate Dr. James Dobson and his Focus on the Family group. Dobson announced that he would be starring in a new series this fall called "Moonbatman" which will attempt to combat what his group perceives as an assault on the moral values of American families. The group vows to "shove Batwoman right back into the closet".

Dobson insisted that the new series was not, in effect, a "knee jerk reflex" to DC Comics announcement of an openly gay character and superhero, but that Focus on the Family had been working on the "Moonbatman" concept for over a year. "We felt that this character was a great way to promote Christian values and fight for our kids against the likes of Spongebob," stated Dobson. "Now that DC Comics has elected to foist this sacrilegious filth upon our children, we just felt it was an opportune time to introduce everyone to Moonbatman."

Dobson went on to praise the concept of Moonbatman and stated that talks were in the works to cast conservative Chrisitian author Ann Coulter in the very gender specific role of "Robin", Moonbatman's faith-based sidekick.

"Moonbatman is a great concept," stated Dobson, "He will rely always on his religious wits, but is not afraid to engage in some serious smiting if he has to. Kids will love his "bible-belt" and "smite-er-rang". He will strike fear and loathing into the hearts of liberals and gays everywhere."

A spokesperson for Focus on the Family stated that they expected the show to debut on the Fox Network sometime later this summer, possibly around the time that DC Comics releases the first issue featuring Batwoman.

 

 

05/31/06 Pentagon Postpones Operation "Divine Stroke"

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The planned release of a 700 tonne explosive cross-dressing male prostitute within the Pentagon has been postponed because of legal, moral, and ethical concerns said an anonymous Pentagon agency spokesperson.

The operation, named "Divine Stroke" has resulted in angry protests from the religious right who are worried about potential long-term fallout from the "experiment". Public health officials have expressed concern over the impact of an explosion of sexually transmitted diseases potentially infecting individuals within 300 miles of the experiment.

The Defense Threat Reduction Agency said in a statement that operation Divine Stroke is part of an NSA sponsored effort to examine the effectiveness of deviant sexual behavior against the hardened bunkers within the Pentagon. The NSA has a particular interest in assessing national security concerns within the Pentagon in just such an experimental scenario in the wake of the recent departure of CIA head Porter Goss and underling Kyle "Dusty" Foggo, as well as other classified developments.

DTRA officials have stated only that Divine Stroke has become mired in legal concerns and merely postponed for a few weeks.

While the finer details of operation Divine Stroke remain classified, the experiment reputedly will examine the effects to the infrastructure of the Pentagon with the release of the equivalent of 700 tons of male prostitutes within its deepest corridors.

 

05/28/06 Bush Receives Tongue in Cheek Award from West Point at Commencement Address

Santa Monica, CA (APE) - President Bush yesterday delivered his traditional commencement address to graduates form the West Point military academy. During the address, he framed the war on terror as the next cold war, and contrasted his dismal polls and current political situation with beloved President Harry S. Truman. Bush implied that history would remember him as the president who took the initial unpopular steps in a long and grueling "War on Terror" which would ultimately be won by another president. Ironically, the senior class, after the address, presented Mr. Bush with a plaque as a joke honoring him as the "Worst President in History".

Class Valedictorian, newly commissioned Lieutenant Shannon Fodder stated, "We had no idea about the contents of his speech before he gave it. The plaque was meant to be a good natured joke in light of his recent polls, but I'm afraid a lot of people may take this all wrong after some of the things that he said."

Military historians apparently cringed at Bush's ironic self comparison to Truman who made the controversial decision to drop the world's first atomic weapons upon the Japanese cities Hiroshima and Nagasaki in order to end World War II. Bush has consistently intimated that he would be willing to use nuclear weapons in preemptive first strikes against both Iran and North Korea, which many widely believe would lead rapidly to an all-out third World War.

Bush apparently accepted the plaque in stride. White house spokesperson Tony Snow stated, "Contrary to what a lot of people would have you believe, President Bush is not callous and uncaring, he does have a sense of humor."

Bush immediately left West Point aboard Air Force One and headed for California to continue his brief Memorial Day Vacation. The President and First Lady, upon arrival, took time out from their busy schedule to pay their respects at the Arlington West display in Santa Monica, for those killed in the Iraq war. Bush described himself as "saddened and moved" by the whole experience, saying that he was very frustrated after almost three hours of surf fishing that he hadn't caught anything.

Bush will also be making an appearance along with the first lady tonight at a $1000 a plate appreciation dinner to raise funds for convicted California Representative Randall "Duke" Cunningham. The funds were to be utilized to defray the former representative's family expenses, and pay for a controversial medical procedure designed to address Cunningham's memory functioning.

 

 

05/27/06 Memorial Day

As we attend our backyard barbecues and cookouts this weekend, let us not forget to honor our service men and women who have died or been wounded in the line of duty. Most especially let us not forget our fellow countrymen who have been called upon recently and have honorably and selflessly given of themselves for a needlessly ill-conceived, disingenuous, and perpetual "War on Terror".  May their sacrifices somehow never be described as having been in vain...

Also, where ever you are this weekend, don't forget to kiss the cook...

For a larger picture, click here

 

05/25/06 Blair Asks for and Receives Political Asylum in America from Bush

Washington, DC (APE) - Scarcely minutes after a nationally televised meeting at the White House between British Prime Minister Tony Blair and President Bush was completed, White House sources stated that Mr. Blair asked for and was granted political asylum in America by President Bush. This comes on the heels of the revelation in Britain that Attorney General Lord Peter Goldsmith has been ordered to turn over controversial papers dealing with legal advice given to Mr. Blair prior to the run-up to the war in Iraq. The papers apparently demonstrate Blair's complicity in deceiving the British government over the illegality of a war in Iraq, at the behest of the Bush administration.

The two leaders, Bush and Blair, had earlier met with reporters at the White House to discuss unforeseen setbacks in the Iraq war and expressed support for the fledgling government which is now in place. Both seemed positive and upbeat in regards to the future for Iraq but neither mentioned the events unfolding in the United Kingdom.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated, "The president is very understanding and sympathetic in regards to this minor setback for Mr. Blair. He expressed to Mr. Blair his hope that Great Britain would soon be able to dispense with these irrational misgivings much the same as has been accomplished in America, and get back to the task of putting the Middle East in order. Mr. Blair is certainly welcome in the White House for as long as he deems necessary, and has nothing to fear from any legal repercussions in America."

Bush and Blair, clearly enjoying each other's company, afterwards entertained White House staffers with an impromptu guitar concert featuring the Beatles hit "While My Guitar Gently Weeps".

 

 

05/25/06 Ann Coulter Nearly Killed by Her Own Hair

Oswego, NY (Rotters) - Right Wing NeoCon pundit Ann Coulter was very nearly killed by her own hair last night to the shock and amazement of an auditorium filled with admirers at a small private college in upstate New York. Fans quickly rushed to the stage and were able to wrestle Ms Coulter and her hair to the ground. Her hair was removed from around her throat and rescue breathing started by a fan before she was transported to a local hospital. Hospital authorities stated that the now completely shorn Coulter was resting in stable condition and would likely be released later today.

Coulter was at the college promoting her latest book on the state enforced religion of godless liberalism.

"It was just spooky," stated a fan in attendance. "She was right on the money, hitting her stride as usual, and you could just feel the electricity in the air. Her hair just sort of seemed to come to life."

"Everything was going well," said another fan, "until the end when she was taking questions and tried to deal with a heckler. This guy asked her if it wasn't true that she was actually a man, and she snapped back at him that not only was she a woman, she was a natural blond, too. Then her hair just seemed to go berserk... some of it started to choke her... some more of it looked like it was trying to rip her clothes off... and another lock grabbed a baseball bat that she had brought along as a prop and started hitting her in the head with it... It was pretty scary."

Coulter's publicist offered that she would likely resume her book promotion tour as soon as she was released. She stated that Coulter has accepted all responsibility for the incident citing a liberal application of mousse as the explanation for the near tragedy.

 

 

05/24/06 Dick Cheney: Moussaoui Definitely Linked to 9/11

Washington, DC (APE) - Vice President Dick Cheney speaking in a videotape released to the Wall Street Journal today insisted that Zacarias Moussaoui was directly linked to the Al Qaeda operation which destroyed the World Trade Center on 9/11. He dismissed as "blatant propaganda" the Bin Laden audiotape released yesterday in which Osama himself stated that neither Moussaoui nor anyone held at Guantánamo had anything to do with 9/11.

"I am the one in charge in manufacturing and refining of intelligence in the war on terror since 9/11," stated Mr. Cheney, "and America can trust that we will continue to strip down costs and produce a quality product. Our intelligence says that Moussaoui not only was involved, but was indeed a high ranking lieutenant and confidant to Bin Laden, one of the hundreds of "second in commands", if you will, which we have captured over the years in our quest to bring democracy to the Middle East."

The videotape, which was approximately 5 minutes long, was sent with a still capture of the vice president posing inside his top-secret bunker/hunting blind at an undisclosed location.

"Al Qaeda is a cornered animal," continued Cheney, "and this, as every good hunter knows, is when big game can be the most dangerous. The take-home lesson is that all Americans should remain very afraid, and take this Bin Laden character's threats very seriously."

Bin Laden's audiotape released yesterday was the second verified tape from him since January of this year. In January Bin Laden claimed that Al Qaeda was prepared to launch further terrorist attacks on American soil if the Bush administration did not agree to a truce which he offered on the tape.

"We know exactly where Bin Laden is, and he knows it too," Cheney concluded on the videotape. "We could drop a low yield neutron weapon almost right on his head at any time and be done with this whole thing, but what would be the sport in that."

This was apparently the first public exposure of the vice president's vaunted top-secret undisclosed location. The news media and knowledgeable experts pored over the videotape and still capture for clues as to the vice president's location, but were ultimately frustrated.

 

 

05/22/06 BC Senior Class Apologizes to Rice, Awards Her Golden Scepter

Chestnut Hill, MA (Rotters) - Hours after Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's commencement address at Boston College was met with protest,  the graduating senior class attempted to make amends. In a small ceremony afterwards, they awarded Ms. Rice with a gold plated model of the School's academic scepter,  a completely functioning small scale replica.

The campus was a-buzz with the news of the controversial peace offering as parents and students went their separate ways to individual and family graduation parties.

"I think this was the right thing to do," said a graduating senior, "It's really wrong to protest and offer no solutions. If we disagree with her harsh diplomacy all over the world then it becomes our responsibility to encourage her to change. Hopefully, the next time that she finds herself alone at night in a foreign country contemplating actions which will effect us all, she will be able to utilize this gift that we have offered, and stay her hand."

Rice was said to be taken aback by the size of the gesture from the seniors, becoming a little emotional and flushed. "As I said earlier at the address," stated Ms. Rice, "There is nothing wrong with holding an opinion and holding it passionately."

Rice was scheduled for a short stop over in KY before her return to Washington, DC on Wednesday.

 

 

05/22/06 Leopold and Madsen Netted in DOJ Sting Operation?

Washington, DC (APE) - Family members for independent investigative journalists Jason Leopold and Wayne Madsen admitted today that they have had no contact with either of them since late last week and have begun to worry about their safety. Their respective families have reported the matter to police and fear that they may have been already clandestinely taken into custody by the Department of Justice over their recent reporting of the potential Karl Rove indictment. Leopold threatened to out anonymous sources who had reputedly outed confidential information in regards to the indictment of Karl Rove for his role in the outing of CIA Agent Valerie Plame. Madsen had apparently weighed in with independent confirmation by his own sources of Leopold's story.

Family members for both reporters admitted late last night that they had taken the grim step of opening sealed envelopes in the possession of the reporters' respective lawyers which were to be opened in the event of their deaths or disappearances. Leopold's folder appeared to be somewhat dated, as did Madsen's. Leopold made accusations towards former Attorney General John Ashcroft who resigned over two years ago. The contents of Madsen's folder was kept secret by authorities, but was reportedly immediately forwarded to FBI agents investigating the decades old Jimmy Hoffa disappearance at a horse farm in Milford Township, Michigan.

A spokesperson for the Department of Justice stated that they would neither confirm nor deny the possibility that the two had been taken into custody. "We live in dangerous times," stated the DOJ representative, who wished to remain anonymous, "People should really think twice before repeating things. Who knows... that fanciful and unsubstantiated rumor that you spread just might turn out to be a state secret."

Rumors also persisted yesterday that the pair had possibly been abducted by an ultra-left fringe group called "Blog September" who had become angered over Leopold and Madsen's reporting of late, and in particular over Leopold's recent apparently inaccurate assertions of Rove's impending indictment.

A prominent internet conspiracy theorist, who understandably wished to remain anonymous, offered that this should serve as a lesson to all amature conspiracy theorists everywhere. "Trust no one," he or she stated, "and always keep your theories and "insurance documents" up to date and backed up frequently."

 

 

05/18/06 Bush and NASCAR Theme Gala Nets RNC $17 Million

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush yesterday made an appearance at the RNC's NASCAR themed kickoff event and reportedly netted the party $17 million for the upcoming races in 2006. In stark contrast to the lower income "base" for which the event was calculated to appeal, over 800 people showed up with many donating much more than the $1500 entrance fee for an average of over $21,000 per person. The security staff for the DAR Constitution Hall, where the event was held, was documented as chipping in together for over $100,000 according to RNC accounting. RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman stated that, "The car seems to be running pretty good right now. We had some problems earlier with a loose, "squishy" rear end and a definite pull to the left. But our phone banks say we've got 'er dialed in pretty good now, and if we can just work on keeping fresh rubbers all around, we should be very competitive this year."

Bush also modeled for the appreciative crowd the newly designed protective gear that will be issued to key Republican race team members this fall. The gear consisted of a brand new lightweight and flame retardant protective suit and crash helmet made from a blend of Teflon and Rhetorex. Rhetorex is a new space-age polymer fiber developed by Halliburton Inc., the main Republican race team sponsor. It was developed in conjunction with the Pentagon to address body armor shortages for the troops in Iraq but found to be less than adequate for that purpose.

"I think Ken and Karl have done a heck of a job on the car for this year's race" stated team driver Bush. "I know for a fact that old Karl still has a lot of tricks up his sleeve. He's got Diebold looking really closely at what kind of wiggle room we might have on those polling redistricter plates."

Bush continued, "We're especially looking forward to that love and support that we've come to expect from NASCAR fans. These guys are real troopers, and they are handling the cutbacks to the NASCAR season that had to be instituted because of high gasoline prices really well. The races have had to be shortened and all the cars will be electric now. Top speeds will probably drop to around 80 mph but the cars should crash just as good as the gasoline ones. We've begun talks with the Pentagon, and Don Rumsfeld, a big NASCAR fan, says that some of their experimental sonic crowd control measures could likely be adapted to restore the sound and feel of the race. It's going to be an exciting season!"

In a freakish and incredibly unrelated incident yesterday, the Dow Jones industrial average dropped 214 points, losing almost 2% of its value.

 

05/17/06 Bush Visits Flood Ravaged Areas in Massachusetts

Peabody, Massachusetts (APE) - President Bush today made a visit to flood devastated areas in Massachusetts, but balked at declaring them a disaster area. The president also declared the day as the new greatest day of his presidency as he landed a 30 pound "snake head" at the corner of Autumn and Main streets in downtown Peabody, Massachusetts. The president expressed some nostalgia for his return to New England, location of his early childhood.

Parts of New England have received upwards of 1 foot of rain over the past week and flood waters have only begun receding just in the past 24 hours. Bush declared the situation well under control and gave FEMA an A+ for its performance in that there had been no deaths reported as yet. "The levies seem to have held up quite well", stated Bush.

Dismissing public concerns over the department with a new hurricane season rapidly approaching, Bush specifically complimented FEMA on its flawless performance with having all necessary hunting and fishing permits in order before his arrival. The White House was reportedly pleased with the fact that there was not a repeat of the scandalous episode of the vice president's hunting accident earlier this year when it was discovered that he did not have the required permits.

Bush pledged to the citizens of Massachusetts that he would do what he could to expedite federal disaster aid despite the fact that they overwhelmingly did not vote for him in the past election. He stated that he would free up as many as possible of the Massachusetts National Guard currently reassigned and stationed along the US-Mexico border to address widespread fears of looting developing.

 

 

05/16/06 Rove Crashes Reality, Offers Up Sweet and Sour Bush in a Heck of a Job

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Karl Rove made a rare public appearance at the American Enterprise Institute yesterday as the blogging world continued to buzz with speculations of his impending impeachment. If the "scoop" from little known investigative reporter Jason Leopold from Truthout.org is to be believed Karl approaches a 24 hour deadline today in which he will need to turn himself into Federal authorities and be charged in his alleged role in the outing of undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame.

Rove appeared relaxed, and calm yesterday, in contrast to the controversy in which he is embroiled. Rove offered that the Iraq war was a very sour issue for the American public, but steadfastly stood behind the marketed sweet disposition of his boss, George W. Bush.

Rove offered to the group the new book "Crashing the Gate" as one that he had recently read and found very interesting and influential. The book is co-written by Jerome Armstrong and Markos Moulitsas Zuniga, the owner of the blogosphere's most widely read and quoted Progressive website, The Daily Kos.  Rove stated that all Conservatives should read it and fear it for the threat to domestic security that it is. A Washington Post reporter then asked Rove if he was responsible for the glossy flyers that appear to be making their ways through battleground states ahead of the 2006 elections in which it is intimated that there is a Gay relationship between Moulitsas and Armstrong. Rove responded simply, "Nice Try."

Perhaps signaling that there may indeed be some merit to the stories of pressure from the impending charges against him,  the normally meticulous and precise Rove caught himself on two occasions nearly muttering the phrase "Heck of a job" in regards to Bush's handling of the American/Mexican border and the economy.

As Leopold's deadline for Rove to step down and turn himself in to face charges in the Plame affair expires today, he has threatened to reveal his informed sources if the story does not pan out. Betting bloggers from the Right are giving odds that Leopold has just been "Dan Rathered" by the master himself.

 

05/15/06 Bush Initiates Push Back Operations along Mexican Border Citing National Security, Declares DMZ

Washington, DC (APE) -  In the second campaign of "Shock and Awe" since his administration took office, President Bush early this morning launched what was described as a pre-emptive incursion into Mexico along multiple fronts in the desert southwest. The brunt of the operation called "Desert Piñata" was manned  by the nation's already stretched National Guard. White House sources stated that the goal for the operation was not invasion, but to merely establish a DMZ or "De-Mexicanized Zone" between the two nations for security purposes.

Reports are sketchy in the early hours of the conflict but a number of border towns including Juarez and Tijuana are battling to contain fires started in the opening salvos. American troops were seen pushing rapidly, and largely uncontested towards Mexico City and ultimately the super giant oil fields in Cantarell. White House spokesperson Tony Snow briefed approximately 10 Fox News reporters from his tiny office at the White House and assured everyone that the oilfields were only being temporarily confiscated to assure their safety, and that revamped production from the site would largely pay the costs for Operation Desert Piñata.

President Vicente Fox addressed his country from an undisclosed bunker outside  Mexico City and stated that "We will fight this aggression to the last drop of Mexican Blood. These American vultures will meet their end with their bones bleaching in the desert sun."

Reports indicated that "economic terrorists" were being rounded up along the border with little resistance. Military officials stated that since the controversial facilities at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba were filled to capacity, the captured "economic terrorists" would instead be transported to San Francisco Bay to the newly opened and re-commissioned facilities on Alcatraz island.

President Bush is scheduled to address the nation on all networks later tonight to explain to the American People his justifications for Operation Desert Piñata.

 

05/13/06 A New Song! "Fitz Brings the Frog March Again" (from the Rovey Horror Picture Show)

 

05/12/06 Harris Poll Shows Bush Approval Drop to 29%: White House Seeks to Shore up Support

Washington, DC (APE) - A recent Harris telephone survey of 1000 Americans has netted President Bush some of the worst approval ratings in the history of presidential polling. Only 29% of Americans polled felt that the president was doing a good job overall. With a potential indictment looming over presidential advisor Karl Rove, and the recent revelation of more extensive domestic spying along with the Department of Justice's abandonment of its investigation into it, the White House is struggling to rally Republicans from sure defeat in the 2006 midterm elections.

Plans at this point will be to have the president press through congress another slate of activist judges to shore up his conservative base. Talks are underway with Southwestern Governors through Mr. Rove to militarize the nation's southern borders, utilizing an already strained National Guard to turn the issue of illegal immigration into one of Domestic Security.

The White House also has plans to increase the president's visibility through an ever expanding campaign of photo opportunities. One such opportunity, that apparently went bad yesterday, had the president posing on the White House lawn with Greedar, the Republican Party's baby elephant mascot. As Bush made his entrance from Marine One, Greedar apparently bolted and ran from President Bush. A quick thinking Vice President Cheney who happened to also be present grabbed a weapon from a member of the Secret Service detail, and was able to shoot and kill the animal before anyone was injured.

White House press secretary Tony Snow commented upon the tragic incident: "This was an awful thing to have happen on the White House lawn, and the president sends his condolences to Greedar's handlers. The incident does, however, serve as an object lesson to those in the Republican Party seeking to distance themselves from the president this fall… we know who you are, and we have your phone records."

 

 

05/10/06 Britney Spears to Sue Church and Dwight, Inc. Manufacturers of Trojans

New York, NY (O!-Online) - One Day after admitting that she and husband Kevin Federline were pregnant again on the David Letterman show, Britney Spears  announced that she had initiated a multi-million dollar law suit against Church and Dwight Inc.,  the manufacturers of Trojan condoms. Spears was suing to recoup potential lost revenue expected as a result of the second pregnancy, as well as damages for pain and suffering.

Spears told reporters assembled that she felt that Church and Dwight promoted a dangerous and misleading product that has resulted in her second pregnancy and may also result in a separation and divorce from current husband Kevin Federline.

"I knew that there was really no risk of getting pregnant immediately after Sean Preston was born," stated Spears, "everybody knows that from church... but I was just trying to be absolutely sure. Against my better judgment, I decided to use them for extra protection... I always made sure that the foil barrier stayed intact, and I know for sure that I was inserting them correctly. Kevin kept complaining about pain and actually wound up with a bad laceration once that required stitches. They were uncomfortable for me, too and I still wound up getting pregnant. In fact, I'm convinced that this pregnancy is the direct result of using this product. I just want to get the word out about the evils of condoms that they don't tell you about to young girls before they wind up in my situation."

A spokesperson for Church and Dwight refused to comment on the record about the suit. Off the record, the spokesperson admitted that their product could indeed be somewhat dangerous in the wrong hands.

 

05/10/06 Bush, Harris Feel Each Other Out in Awkward Moment

Tampa, FL (APE) - As President Bush descended from Air Force One yesterday in Tampa Florida, he was immediately greeted by Rep. Katherine Harris, R-FL, much to the chagrin of the president's brother Florida Governor Jeb Bush. Harris latched on to the president for several minutes and was observed to speak animatedly with him as they both felt each other out over her controversial decision to attempt to unseat Democratic Senator Bill Nelson in the upcoming election. Governor Jeb Bush has gone repeatedly on record stating that he believes Harris should not seek the position because he feels she cannot win.

As Harris maintained a firm grip on the president, he responded in kind in what could be described as a sort of "menage-a-tet". Bush's expression remained grim throughout the encounter, but he appeared to relax significantly and flush appreciably just before the encounter concluded. Harris smiled confidently as she then strode away with her entourage.

Harris has been under severe pressure in the polls for accepting illegal campaign contributions from defense contractor Mitchell Wade, who is in turn linked to convicted former California Representative Randall "Duke" Cunningham, who now in turn seems to be linked to a growing "prostitution for favors" scandal which was based out of the infamous Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC.

Later that evening, White House staffer Karl Rove spoke about the encounter to reporters after attending a $1000 dollar a plate formal dinner for Republican candidates. "The president found Ms. Harris to be quite hard," stated Rove, "But there is a natural feel to it, given what she has been through. The President remained equally hard throughout the encounter, but I think he softened quite a lot afterwards and thanked Ms. Harris for her loyal services."

Rove was also asked if there was any truth to the rumor that he is to be indicted later this week by independent prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. In response, he simply gestured to the reporters, saying "No comment." and ended the conference.

 

 

 

05/10/06 Ken Lay Makes Twelfth Hour Attempt to Change to Insanity Plea

Houston, TX (Rotters) - George Secrest, attorney for former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, today filed a brief with the judge presiding over Lay's fraud trial, requesting that Mr. Lay's plea be changed from one of "not guilty" to "not guilty by reason of insanity". Mr. Lay was reportedly taken to a local psychiatric hospital late last night in an apparent acutely psychotic state. The details surrounding Lay's admission were not available and his legal team refused to comment, but did provide a photograph of Mr. Lay entering treatment.

"Perhaps we should have been a little better at seeing this coming," Secrest stated to reporters at a press conference. "If you look back at Ken's testimony, the clues are there. His list of other people who were responsible for the collapse of Enron just kept growing and growing into a huge paranoid conspiracy. At this point we don't know what the jury will make of it, we're just more concerned with seeing that Mr. Lay gets the help that he needs."

Both sides have rested in the case, and the jury is expected to begin deliberations next week. It was not immediately clear how the judge in the case accepted the request for a plea change, and a ruling on the motion was expected later today. Lawyers for co-defendant Jeffery Skilling immediately responded that they would insist upon a mistrial on the grounds that Skilling was acting under orders, and could not have possibly known of Lay's apparent decades long fight with mental illness.

An anonymous Lay family member stated that they had seen his break with reality coming over this last week's stressful testimony. Late last night they stated that Lay began mumbling incoherently to himself and seemed to be responding to voices heard only by him. They became concerned and called authorities after he began laughing hysterically and loudly repeating, "Well, pardon me, George!"

 

 

05/08/06 Hayden Announced to Succeed Goss, Gives New Direction and Look to CIA

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush this morning made it official by announcing Air Force General Michael Hayden as the new head for the CIA, ending a weekend of speculation. Hayden stepped forwards today to aggressively promote his ideas for a new direction for the CIA. He admitted to the press that his ideas were not entirely original, and based upon a years worth of groundwork laid by former director Porter Goss. Hayden announced that the CIA would now be striving towards developing the human intelligence factor, or HUMINT, worldwide, which was one of the CIA's founding goals. He stated that in order to pursue this goal in the most cost effective manner possible, the CIA would be partnering with Wal-Mart Inc. worldwide thanks to its innovative human resources practices.

Hayden sought to silence critics, both Democrats and Republicans, who insisted that his appointment would only be trading in a military uniform for one of pinstripes as the Defense Department swallowed up all American intelligence activities. "Well, you've got me there I guess," stated Hayden, "but I would add that I will be putting on a new uniform different from one you think." Hayden then modeled for the press assembled his new Wal-Mart SuperSpy Center greeter's vest. "There are hundreds of millions of people out there worldwide who would love to spy for the US, and this is a way to do it as cheaply as possible."

Hayden stated that the CIA and Wal-Mart were also a natural fit when it came to expanding the Bush administration's controversial domestic surveillance program started at the NSA under Hayden's auspices. "The pioneering work that they (Wal-Mart) have done with RFID and consumer thought control is simply stunning," Hayden said. "When you consider the resources that they have available worldwide, how could you not be excited about this partnership."

Hayden went on to confirm a number of beliefs which CIA insiders had about the actions of former Director Porter Goss which have seemingly left the intelligence agency in disarray. "Porter went in with a mission, and I, and the president think that he succeeded admirably," stated Hayden. "The benefits and potential retirement packages were like a sword of Damocles. Think General Motors. When you consider that most of these old-timers really lacked the ability to put aside tried-and-true methods and procedures and think outside the box, it was time for them to go."



When asked how this new partnership would aid in the war on terror and the search for Osama bin Laden, Hayden responded: "Wal-Mart has some of the most progressive policies in regards to having former workers who quit being welcomed back into the fold. The CIA will endeavor to honor these concepts, and I'm sure Osama will be given all due consideration. Also, while the CIA still categorically denies the rumors of world wide renditions of terrorism suspects, Wal-Mart's worldwide shipping and distribution network will bring a lot to the table."

In a related issue, at the start of the opening bell of the New York Stock exchange, Wal-Mart shares skyrocketed 20% amidst rumors of a potential buyout by international conglomerate Halliburton.

 

 

05/05/06 Breaking: Porter Goss to Enter Mayo Clinic for Treatment of Sex Addiction

Washington, DC (APE) - CIA director Porter Goss met with reporters today privately after he announced his resignation as CIA director with President Bush earlier today. He announced to a stunned audience that he would be leaving immediately for the Mayo clinic to pursue treatment for sex addiction.

Goss has maintained all along that he does not remember having sexual contact with hookers that were provided through wild "poker parties" sponsored by Former republican congressman Randall "Duke" Cunningham. When recently confronted with photographs, Goss maintains that it was then that he began to realize that he had a problem.

Goss related that he had struggled with his appetites for prostitutes and borderline Sado/Masochistic activities since first entering the CIA clandestine services, and volunteered that his addiction was almost a work related hazard.

The White House thanked Mr. Goss profusely for his services, and for waiting for the Friday end-of-news-cycle to make his announcement.

 

05/05/06 Al-Qaeda in Iraq Releases Embarrassing Video of Bush Fumbling Football

Tehran, Iran (APE) - Just one day after the US released an embarrassing video of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi fumbling with an automatic weapon, purportedly captured in a raid near Baghdad, Al-Jazeera , today in Iran, released an undated video of President Bush fumbling the "nuclear football". A spokesperson for Al-Jazeera stated that Iranian experts had authenticated the video obtained from anonymous sources connected to Al-Qaeda in Iraq.

White House sources vehemently denied the authenticity of the disturbing video. They maintained that the concept of the "nuclear football" had been retired years ago thanks to the advent of "Blackberry" and cell phone technology. Apparently nuclear annihilation is linked to a voice recognition speed dial setup in which the president only has to utter the phrase "nuke" followed by the country of his choosing.

The White House also stated that the faked "fumble video" was further evidence of the technological sophistication still available to Al-Qaeda in Iraq and the degree of desperation to which they are willing to pursue to win over hearts and minds in a war which continues to go badly. They cited the recent convincing performance of a Bush imitator at the annual White House Press correspondent's dinner. "It's incredibly easy to find a look-alike actor to portray anyone in a propaganda video."

White House sources praised the find of the Al-Zarqawi video yesterday, and stated that it should "go a long way towards redefining the myth of Al-Qaeda's Iraq connection before we eventually capture or kill him."

 

 

04/04/06 Bush Vows to Overturn Clinton Foundation's "No Child Fat Behind" Initiative

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush fought back sharply today against what he described as "misguided strong-arming of American corporations" by former President Clinton. He stated that America was a country of choice, free will, and personal responsibility, and that this extended even to middle school and elementary school children. His remarks came on the heels of an announcement yesterday of a brokered agreement achieved by former President Clinton with the country's major soft drink manufacturers that would allow for the banning of sales of sodas and other high sugar content drinks in public schools.

"While I think that former President Clinton probably meant no harm," stated Bush, "this agreement is both unneeded and overly punitive to American soft drink manufacturers. I have heard the complaints from the manufacturers of Coca-Cola and Pepsi, and Archer Daniels."

Bush went on to explain that unintended consequences of the deal would affect corn production, and thus corn syrup and sugar in the US. He stated that this would have the further effect of diverting too much corn production into the fledgling alternative energy programs, making ethanol production much too cheap and ruining its profitability.

Bush also stated that the agreement threatened corporate sponsorships and financial supports for his controversial "No Child Left Behind" educational reform initiatives. Bush's program has long been criticized as an unfunded mandate, and soft drink sales to elementary and middle schoolers along with critical market exposure were expected to provide needed financial backing to the program.

"We have entirely too many children taking drugs such as Ritalin to help them cope with school," stated Bush. "Caffeine is a much cheaper and more readily administered substitute. Sending the message to children at such an early age that they have no choice in the matter is just wrong. How else will they learn the concept of personal responsibility?"

Bush concluded by saying that there would be a planned emergency meeting of Senate and House Republican leadership later today to draft legislation as quickly as possible to address the perceived crisis.

 

 

05/04/06 May 3 "Day with Cannabis" Marchers Disappointed by the Millions As Mexico's Fox Backs Down

Mexico City, Mexico (Rotters) - As millions of potential immigrants and marijuana legalization supporters massed in Los Angeles and marched to Tijuana in support of the legalization of small quantities of marijuana, cocaine, and heroin in Mexico, Mexican President Vicente Fox disappointed them by refusing to sign into law the legislation that he and his party had originally pushed through Congress. The legislation was met with opposition in northern tourist towns such as Tijuana where authorities feared a flood of new tourists and possibly new immigrants from America.

The fears of the Tijuana authorities appeared to be justified if the turnout for the spontaneous May 3 "Day with Cannabis" march was any indication. Authorities in Los Angeles stated that estimates topped over a million participants. Marchers were described by authorities as multicultural and peaceful. "Almost too peaceful." stated one law enforcement authority.

By the time marchers had been bused to Tijuana and reassembled, their numbers had dropped into the tens of thousands. Mexican authorities again described the marchers as peaceful and fairly well received by the community, although a number of Mexican counter protesters could be seen.

Organizers stated that they have named themselves "Amerijuanos", and plans are in the works for future marches in California and Texas as well as other states which border upon Mexico. These marches come on the heels of high turnouts on May 1 of Mexican immigrants protesting American legislation designed to further criminalize and tighten illegal immigration.

It was rumored that President Fox had caved to pressure from the Bush administration at the last minute in refusing to sign into law the decriminalization legislation. "In our country the possession of drugs and their consumption are, and will continue to be, crimes," stated a spokesperson for the DEA.

 

 

05/02/06 Scalia Thanks Nicole Smith for Allowing Court to Hear Case

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Controversial Hollywood star cum stripper, cum Playboy model, and now possibly cum millionaire was seen leaving the Supreme Court yesterday with Justice Antonin Scalia after a unanimous ruling by the bench in her favor. Nicole Smith's lawsuit to attempt to recover millions from the estate of her former husband J Howard Marshall was given new life largely on the basis of a technicality.

Justice Antonin Scalia was seen to rush after her as she exited and proceeded to thank her profusely on the court's behalf for allowing them to render a decision and to be of service. He then kissed her hand in courtesy and offered a few Sicilian hand gestures in greeting to the assembled crowd before he offered a statement.

"This is a classic case in American jurisprudence," stated Scalia, "There are millions at stake here, as well as the very fabric of the law.  I really don't need to say it but "torturous interference", is a serious violation of the law and this must be played out in the courts, no matter the cost. The Supreme Court looks forward to assisting both sides as need be in making sure that this plays out completely and all fees are settled up in a timely and equitable fashion."

Scalia was questioned as to the possible impropriety of the contact with Ms. Smith and he responded: "Nonsense. My interest in this instance is purely for the law. While Ms. Smith is an admittedly buxom and attractive young lady, I would recuse myself in an instant over any sort of base, libidinous intrusions into my thought processes... and I think Ms. Smith knows in her heart that her trust in me, and in the law, is well funded... er... founded."

 

 

05/01/06 Comedian and Right-Wing Pundit Steve Colbert Arrested

Washington, DC (APE) - Comedian Steve Colbert was taken into custody early this morning by Department of Homeland security officials. Colbert will be charged with leaking sensitive government information according to a Homeland security spokesperson. Colbert was apparently at the annual White House correspondents dinner when he disclosed information sensitive to the security of the country according to officials. A quick search of the Internet revealed that references to Colbert's appearance this weekend appear to have been quickly and effectively expunged from all mainstream media outlets, perhaps a sign of the Bush administration's pledge to deal quickly and effectively with leaks.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated that the president became angered over Colbert's callous disrespect and displays of "truthiness" at the expense of state secrets. Colbert spoke to the assembled group of dignitaries and White House press correspondents as the "featured entertainment" at the annual dinner.

Colbert reportedly let loose with a barrage of thinly veiled satiric barbs towards both the president and the news journalists present. The audience apparently fell silent and stunned as state secret after state secret was lampooned by Colbert. An anonymous correspondent stated that he was surprised that Colbert was not dragged from the podium after the first five minutes for his exposure of topics that have been known to be taboo "by any White House correspondent worth his salt."

Veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas has also reportedly been taken into custody for questioning for her reported role in aiding Colbert.

Colbert has been denied access to a lawyer at this point. A White House legal spokesperson stated that the White House was taking the unprecedented step of preemptively utilizing "state secrets" laws before any legal proceedings can even get underway. An investigation is reportedly ongoing into how Mr. Colbert was able to perpetrate his crime against the state despite the fact that he had been under surveillance by the NSA for quite some time.

 

04/30/06 Prostitute Comes Forward Confirming Rumors of Republican and CIA Involvement in Duke Cunningham Sex Scandal

Washington, DC (Rotters) - A Washington, DC area prostitute has come forwards lending credence to the allegations of CIA officials' involvements in wild poker parties and prostitution exchanged in favors for legislation. The prostitute who remained nameless and in an undisclosed location has released pictures to Rotters and talked with its reporters about his story.

CIA Director Porter Goss has vehemently denied any involvement in the growing scandal. Personal support for his number three man Dustin "Dusty" Foggo, who is also reputedly involved, has been lukewarm at best. Both men now appear to have been longtime participants in Republican sponsored poker get-togethers which frequently deteriorated in various levels of debauchery. The parties were first organized as informal get-togethers at the Virginia home of Brent Wilkes, a recently identified co-conspirator in the bribery case of former Representative Randy "Duke" Cunningham.

Rotters anonymous prostitute source claims that he first became involved over 15 years ago. He stated that one of the participants' favorite games was something they called "stripper poker". As a sort of side bet, the winner of the hand was allowed to remove a piece of clothing from the stripper. He states that the game initially never went past this, but as the years progressed the participants seemed to become bored, and insisted that he participate in varying scenarios of bondage and humiliation, bordering upon torture.

At a point a few years ago, the anonymous source states that the group began to tire of him when he became less willing to acquiesce to more and more outrageous demands. The group remained fearful of him and apparently arrangements were made for a high profile job and start up journalism company to keep him silent. The source relates that earlier this year this arrangement fell through and he began to be threatened and intimidated to keep quiet.

"They know that I have pictures," said the anonymous source. "What I've given you today is just the tip of the iceberg. I saw what happened to Jack Abramoff, and that's not happening to me. These are some dangerous people. The last few years, I would go to bed every night and lie awake wondering if I was going to wake up in another country where they allowed torture."

The anonymous source produced a photograph reputedly showing a typical gathering at Wilkes' home in Virginia prior to its moving to the Watergate Hotel in later years. Attorneys for those depicted insisted that the picture was nothing more than a crass conspiratorial hoax produced by a frustrated individual seeking to impugn the reputation of the Republican Party.

Rotters has entered negotiations for turning over the identity of the prostitute and his photographic evidence to independent prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald for further scrutiny. Fitzgerald office offered no further comment except to say that the investigation would receive all due diligence with the understanding of the limitations of manpower as further avenues of Republican corruption are uncovered.

 

 

04/28/06 Bush Rushed to New Orleans Hospital after Photo-Op Accident

New Orleans, LA (APE) - President Bush was rushed to a New Orleans hospital after being hit in the eye with a pen tossed to him to autograph a volunteer worker's mailbox. Upon finding that there were no ophthalmologic specialists left in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina, he was immediately flown back to Washington, DC, where his personal physician described him as fortunately unhurt and very lucky. The president will have to wear a pirate-like eye patch for the next few days, but should have no lasting problems according to the physician.

The incident occurred yesterday as the president was visiting a group of volunteer workers to thank them for doing a difficult job that apparently his administration can't. A worker tossed Mr. Bush a pen to autograph a joke mailbox that had been erected with "George Dubb-Ya" written on it. The president claims that he lost sight of the pen in the sun, and it briefly impaled him in the right eye. Secret Service Men immediately wrestled to the ground the volunteer worker who had tossed the pen.

The president made a quick recovery, and clearly in pain, plucked the pen from his eye, squinted, and signed the mailbox. He was then rushed from the scene by the Secret Service. The volunteer who tossed the pen is still in local custody and is expected to be released today pending completion of an FBI investigation.

This was the president's eleventh photo opportunity visit to the ravaged Gulf Coast area since hurricane Katrina made landfall last year. With the advent of this years hurricane season weeks away, Bush is seeking to reassure an increasingly doubtful public of his administration's competency.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated that the president was again grateful for the efforts of volunteer workers, and stressed that this incident should prove to people that some areas of New Orleans are still as yet unsafe for return.

 

 

04/27/06 Cheney Indictment Remains Sealed, Rove Apparently Rolls

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Early this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney was removed from his undisclosed location and taken to another undisclosed federal location for booking and processing. Federal marshals refused to comment on the nature of the charges, but insiders felt that the actions where very likely as a result of presidential adviser Karl Rove's 3 1/2 hour testimony yesterday before independent prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald and his grand jury investigating the Valerie Plame affair.

The press was given a photograph of the Vice President's booking, but a spokesperson for Fitzgerald's office refused further comment.

Robert Luskin, attorney for Karl Rove also refused to comment, but insisted that Mr. Rove "was not a target of the investigation."

Attorneys for the Vice President stated that he was still alive and in good spirits and thanked well-wishers for their concerns, but declined to further comment about the allegations.

Outgoing White House spokesperson Scott McClellan declined to comment and instead referred questions to the new White House spokesperson Tony Snow who stuttered and said that the administration does not comment on ongoing investigations saying, "Nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh, no comment."

Joe Wilson, husband of "outed" undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame was contacted for a comment. Wilson asked what others had said, and then simply smiled and said, "no comment."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and his staff were observed early this morning at a hastily arranged meeting to reportedly examine the legalities of the order of succession in the executive branch. A representative for Gonzalez refused to comment.

A White House cleaning lady agreed to comment on the record provided that she remained anonymous. "I've been working here since Nixon, and this is just like déjà vu all over again." she said. "I've dealt with all kinds of pets that weren't housebroken, but that's not really a problem. Urine comes out of a carpet pretty easily if there's not much of it and it's got a little time to dry. But, I've talked to my supervisor, and something's got to give. I need more help because I just can't keep up. You'd think grown men could get a grip."

 

 

04/27/06 Tom Cruise Diagnosed with Postpartum Depression

Paris, France (O! Online) - Tom Cruise skipped a "Mission Impossible: III" news conference and promotional appearances yesterday to go on a day long spending spree in France ostensibly in search of new outfits for his newborn baby girl Suri. Anonymous insiders stated that this resulted in over 300 sets of children's clothes, many being four to five duplicates sets. Sources stated that Cruise then proceeded to purchase a $200,000 armored Jaguar and matching lightweight bulletproof outfits for himself and his entire family, and 12 sets of specially designed tires for the Jaguar. The spending spree continued well into the night, with Cruise becoming agitated over various stores refusing to open for him.

Cruise never slept for the entire night and reportedly spent the entire time cataloging his purchases on paper and planning with hand written charts and diagrams his trips for the next day. His entourage and tour promoters became very concerned with his behavior when he refused even to utilize his custom designed E- Meter clearing machine.

Early this morning, Cruise reportedly threw a couch through his hotel room's $20,000 widescreen plasma television which was showing reruns of Oprah. He then threatened members of his entourage, insisting on taking a vehicle himself to continue shopping. At that point authorities were called in, and Cruise was reportedly "darted" multiple times with a heavy sedative.

Cruise was then transported to a highly secured private mental institution just outside of Paris. A freelance photographer was able to sneak into the premises and snap a picture of Cruise undergoing treatment which was then made available to O! Online.

Authorities at the institution refused comment on Cruise's condition, and whether he was even actually admitted, citing patient confidentiality.

O! Online contacted a practicing psychiatrist and expert on postpartum depression to discuss Cruise's latest incident. The psychiatrist remained anonymous indicating that it was ethically very "shady" to diagnose or make comments upon someone who had not been physically examined. "This is a classic case of the male equivalent of a postpartum depression with manic features. Given the time frame of the symptoms and their rapid onset, this appears to be an open and shut case. Postpartum depression in males is very poorly understood and frequently misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder. This diagnosis is not listed in the current DSM, but is scheduled to be included as a "provisional diagnosis warranting further investigation" in the upcoming DSM-V, pending support for research from the pharmaceutical industry."

It is unclear on how long Cruise will remain hospitalized and it is rumored that he will be transferred shortly out of fears that Scientology supporters will discover his location and attempt to stage a rescue attempt.
 

 

 

04/26/06 Tony Snow Out Jeff Gannon In as White House Press Secretary

Washington, DC (APE) - in a stunning move today it was announced that the anticipated replacement of outgoing press secretary Scott McClellan with Fox TV news commentator Tony Snow had been scrubbed. The White House today announced that instead, effective immediately, the new press secretary would be controversial independent journalist Jeff Gannon.

It was revealed that after a rigorous security check, Snow had been found to have voiced a number of anti-administration sentiments in the past through his duties with Fox news. In the past, Snow had accused the Bush administration of "losing control of the federal budget", "becoming something of an embarrassment", being "more eager to please than lead", and looking "impotent". According to White House sources, these aspersions were, "but the tip of the iceberg".

Fox news, upon hearing of the allegations reportedly has immediately suspended Snow pending further investigation by Fox security.

In a hastily arranged press conference, Jeff Gannon was introduced as the successor to Scott McClellan. Gannon stated that he was happy to be on board with the president in this capacity and look forward to developing deeper relationships with many in the White House.

"What can I say," Gannon stated, "President Bush rewards loyalty. I have to be honest, it really feels good to me to be on top again." Gannon became a controversial figure about a year ago when it was revealed that his journalism credentials were virtually nonexistent while being allowed access to the White House press pool. It was further revealed that his true name was James Guckert and that prior to his work as a reporter for "Talon News" he had dabbled in online gay Marine pornography.

Gannon stated that he was looking forward to bringing new life to the administration's chronically sagging polls. He stated that he is toying with the idea of forming a White House staff softball team to improve morale. "I was a pretty darned good catcher in my day," he joked with the press in attendance.

 

 

04/25/06 Bush Touts Immigration As the American Dream

Irvine, CA (APE) - President Bush on Monday spoke to a largely conservative Republican group of 450 members of the Orange County business Council and in a "lemonade out of lemons" fashion seemed to back away from the hard stances on immigration put forth by some in his own party and link immigration to "The American Dream". He urged Congress to pass a comprehensive immigration bill that would put illegal immigrants "in the back of the bus" as they worked through a daunting process to become a citizen of the United States.

Bush stated that many illegal immigrants simply came across the border to "put food on their families", one of the major tenets of today's "American Dream". In so doing, many had been victimized and even killed by smugglers. Bush argued that the compassionate thing to do would be to "incorporate this smuggling industry and turn it into a rational policy."

"We cannot lose sight of the fact that we're talking about decent, cheap working human beings," he said. "A massive deportation is unrealistic. We haven't got the manpower to secure the borders enough to stop them coming in, so how would we ever be able to do the process in reverse?"

The crowd applauded when Bush further advocated stiffening the requirements for citizenship, stating that "a person should never be granted automatic citizenship" and that all citizens ought to be required to undergo frequent retesting and recertification, or "go to the back of the bus" if they're not willing to serve their country in the war on terror. "We're a nation at war, a welcoming nation, a nation that honors people's traditions, no matter where they are from, so long as they are willing to fight for them."

Bush initially attempted to briefly touch on the Iraq war. He seemed to reverse an earlier position this year in which he held that it would be a future American president that would be considering the final withdrawal of American troops from Iraq, stating, "I believe that were going to win a victory in Iraq, no matter how many buses Bin Laden and his lieutenants blow up."

 

 

04/24/06 Bin Laden Pledges Continued War on US as Race for the World's Most Hated Man Heats Up

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The CIA yesterday confirmed that an audio tape issued by Al-Jazeera did indeed likely contain the voice of Osama Bin Laden. In it, he condemned the US for its refusal to accept the fairly and democratically elected Hamas government of Palestine, and accused it  of a "Zionist crusader's war on Islam". 

Bin Laden also answered criticisms from the Muslim community in regards to Al-Qaeda's targeting of civilians in it's campaign against American interests and what many view as a disastrous conflict in Iraq. Many have suggested that his top deputy, Ayman al-Zawahri should step down as atonement for the setbacks. On the tape, Bin Laden pledges his total support and confidence in al-Zawahri, saying, "Ayman is the right man for the job. Allah is the ultimate decider, his name be praised, and I am just his vehicle. This is hard work, but Allah willing, I am become the decider, and I decide that al-Zawahri stays, Allah be praised." Bin Laden is believed to be hiding out in the rugged mountains on the Afghan/Pakistani border.

President Bush, maintaining a low profile at a luxury hotel in the rugged mountains on the border between California and Nevada, spoke to the troops yesterday encouraging them to continue the fight for Democracy. He issued a call for followers to proceed him into Iran, a former US base, and fight a proposed Russian uranium enrichment settlement. Experts felt the President issued the statement to deflect growing American animosity towards the war in Iraq. Bush also called for a boycott of all products worldwide from areas where Al-Qaeda has a foothold. American consumers abilities to refuse opiate or petroleum products leaves many to doubt the tenability of Bush's proposed boycott.

Recent international approval polls have shown Bush and Bin Laden locked in a virtual dead heat in the lower thirties.

 

04/23/06 New Evidence Suggests that the President May Be Drinking Again

Sacramento, CA (APE) - President Bush was yesterday seen to take a tumble from Marine One upon disembarking and went back to pick up a liquor bottle, apparently unaware that a small contingent of Press and photographers had already been allowed in to document his arrival. Bush was apparently unhurt and aided by a pair of alert marine honor guards. Once Bush noticed the presence of reporters, a portable podium was brought out so that he could address them.

Bush started out the hastily arranged conference by stating that he was there to visit with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and to promote his proposals for alternative energy sources for America. Bush became notably irate when a reporter interrupted and asked him what was in the bottle, and how much he had had to drink. Bush insisted that the the bottle was unopened and was a gift for governor Schwarzenegger. The President then abruptly terminated the press conference.

With his poll numbers seemingly set to plunge into the twenties, many have speculated on just how much more pressure the president will be able to take. Inside White House sources have refused to categorically deny that the president may have resorted to old coping skills to deal with the stress. Rumors flew late last week as the president was seen repeatedly toasting Chinese President Hu Jintao at a White House function and apparently made an off color remark to invited guest, figure skater Michelle Quan.

As the afternoon proceeded, Bush removed his tie and addressed an assembled group at the California Fuel Cells Cooperative in West Sacramento. Many noted that his speech was more slurred than usual, frequently saying "hygergen" for hydrogen and "fool cells" for fuel cells. Bush concluded by saying: "I understand the folks here, as well as in other parts of the country are paying high gas prices. We're going to have a tough summer. But not me, I got a helicopter."

Bush was scheduled for a more leisurely morning today with a bike ride in the redwood hills just outside of a swank Napa Valley resort. White House sources stated that the president made a number of stops throughout the ride but would not confirm if the president actually threw up. Bush blamed the course for his stops, telling reporters that it was "a little hillier than I would have liked."

 

04/22/06 Bill and Ted... and the Sequel... Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!

 

 

04/21/06 Bush Rips Sleeve of Chinese President Creating International Incident

Washington, DC (APE) - In what appeared to be an apparently innocent attempt at keeping Chinese President Hu Jintao from descending the wrong set of stairs off of a platform yesterday at a ceremony on the South lawn of the White House, President Bush grabbed the sleeve of Jintao's jacket, accidentally ripping it, and revealing it to be a cheap Chinese knock-off of a $5,000 custom tailored Italian suit. The Chinese president appeared very flustered but was able to maintain an outwardly calm demeanor. Anonymous White House sources, however, revealed that Jintao was privately enraged afterwards.

Possibly adding insult to injury, just prior to the sleeve ripping incident, White House Secret Servicemen detained a heckler later identified as Wang Wenji who had infiltrated the ceremony utilizing her credentials as a reporter. As the Chinese president began to speak, she began yelling, "President Hu, your days are numbered. President Bush make him stop persecuting Falun Gong."

According to senior administration officials, Bush apologized profusely for the dual insult to Hu, saying: "This was unfortunate, I'm sorry this happened."

The Secret Service was scheduled to charge Wenji with disorderly conduct, but President Bush intervened on behalf of Jintao and turned Wenji over to the custody of the Chinese President's security detail. In a hastily arranged proceeding, Wenji was executed at dawn this morning on the South lawn of the White House with the traditional, efficient single bullet to the head used in China. In keeping with the Chinese tradition, Bush assured Jintao that Wenji's surviving family members would be assessed the cost of the bullet.

White House historians were fairly certain that this was the first on premises execution in the brief history of the White House.

Bush was scheduled for further rounds of meetings with Jintao today, designed to present the public appearance of toughness while placating the Chinese president in private in an effort to gain assurances that he would not pull the plug on the American economy.

 

 

04/19/06 Rumsfeld, Jaafari Refuse to Step Down, Bush Brokers Trade

Washington, DC (APE) - In the first, of what President Bush has promised as significant shake-ups within his administration, he today announced that a trade with Iraq had been brokered in which embattled Prime Minister Ibrahim Al-Jaafari will be switching positions with equally embattled Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The deal was concluded after a long series of secret negotiations.

"Folks tend to forget that I used to be in charge of the Rangers," said Mr. Bush, referring to his shaky tenure as CEO of the major League baseball team. "I'm an old hand at these kinds of negotiations. We've had some unhappy fans on both sides, and now I think we've got a win-win situation."

The White House was close-lipped about the details surrounding the trade, but it was rumored that a number of concessions had to be offered to both Rumsfeld and Jaafari. A snagging point for Rumsfeld was reported to have been his insistence upon a fleet of state of the art up-armored stretch Humvees that would be at his disposal in Iraq. Rumsfeld was also rumored to have demanded the first 100,000 first round draft picks for the new Iraqi Army. Insistence upon top secret clearance was reportedly an issue for Jaafari, but the President himself reportedly signed off on it. An oilfield north of Basra was rumored to have been negotiated away by Iraq, but this could not be independently confirmed.

The White House is reportedly excited about the trade and looking forward to the infusion of new blood in the administration. Some Iraqi officials were notably upset over the deal and accused the administration of breathing new life into the insurgency with the move. The word on the streets of Baghdad was that Sunni and Shiite extremists had somewhat united and a collegial pool had developed over which would be able to knock off the former secretary of defense first. Al-Qaeda was reportedly scrambling to come up with an anonymously delivered videotape at press time.


 

04/19/06 Robotic Bush Vows More Changes Coming

Rockville, MD (Rotters) - US President George W. Bush didn't have to speak during his visit to the Parkland Magnet Middle School for Aerospace Technology. He stood in awe and watched as students demonstrated a lifelike robotic version of him that spoke to those assembled. The robot announced the appointment of Trade Representative Rob Portman as the new White House budget director, and vowed that more changes were coming. Bush was reportedly so impressed with the performance that he quickly decided to follow through with it in reality, and hours later, made the official announcement in the Rose Garden at the White House.

The robot went on to describe the inherent values in stridently pursuing the incorporation of America, citing a recent example of the sale of the rights to the Smithsonian's public trust museums to Showtime Inc.

"I think I've seen a way to free up my...agenda," said Bush afterwards. "This new technology makes it really easy to just sit back and be a decider. And if you think about it, there's not really anything left to decide, so it takes all of the hard work out of being a decider. I agree with my robot friend here, and I decided a long time ago that the corporate road was the right one for America."

In a related story, Showtime announced that a deal had been made with the Pentagon and the Smithsonian for a series of nostalgic documentaries to air on Showtime extolling the overwhelming successes of the Vietnam conflict and how they are being applied successfully in the fine tuning and pre-step down phase of the Iraq conflict today.

 

 

04/16/06 Jerry Falwell Sends Easter Greetings to Insurgents in Iraq

Baghdad, Iraq (Rotters) - Jerry Falwell sent a message to Iraqi insurgents and others who target American Servicemen: "Sending you to hell! If you can't pick a leader, we'll do it for you!" He inscribed this on a missile loaded aboard an un-manned predator drone based in Iraq.

Falwell accompanied a group of US governors including the President's brother, Jeb Bush of Florida, Mitch Daniels of Indiana, Tom Vilsack of Iowa, and Joe Manchin of West Virginia on a fact finding/support tour of Iraq over the Easter weekend. They toured military facilities and shared meals with troops stationed there. The visit seemed to have a dual purpose of supporting the troops while attempting to pressure Iraqis to push forwards with the formation of a new government.

"This is an incredible country," stated Falwell. "Homosexuality is simply not tolerated here, so the issue of same sex marriage is non-existant. The average Iraqi would never even consider an abortion, why... the mother would be put to death first. These are a people ripe for what Christianity has to offer, so the sooner that the country is stabilized, the better, and whatever it takes. I guess it's referred to as 'the fertile crescent' for a reason."

The group bid farewell to the troops and left under cover of darkness during the early dawn hours Sunday and was expected back in the United States by early Monday morning. The group reportedly took lots of pictures within the Green Zone and at various heavily guarded and hardened installations. Group leader Jeb Bush stated that they were all looking forward to returning home and spreading the word to America about how stable the country has become.

 

04/16/06 Easter Bunny Tragically Slain by Vice President

Casper, Wyoming (APE) - Millions of children worldwide awoke with tears of anguish and frustration and empty Easter baskets as they coped with the tragic news that the Easter Bunny was dead. He was slain early this morning in the predawn hours by Vice President Dick Cheney who was enjoying an Easter hunting expedition at a rabbit hunting farm south of Casper, Wyoming. The vice president had reportedly slain over 150 rabbits in the twilight hours before the incident occurred, and was packaging them as gifts for friends and families for their Easter dinners.

The owner of the ranch, E. Fudd is a longtime friend of the vice president, and most notably a $200,000 contributor and member of President Bush's "Pioneer" campaign funding group. Fudd had this to say: "With the vice president's and the White House press office's permission, we decided to go ahead and speak with the press about this pretty early on. There was no alcohol involved in this incident whatsoever. As near as we can tell, the Easter Bunny had passed very near to where a caged rabbit had been shaken and dumped on the ground. It was overcast this morning, and the lighting was terrible. We couldn't even make out the basket and colored eggs until we almost tripped over them afterwards."

The local sheriff was reportedly investigating the incident. Witnesses at a local Easter vigil ceremony disputed Fudd's claims that no alcohol was involved in the incident. The vice president was reportedly witnessed going through the communion line at least three and possibly four times late the previous evening, and another witness stated that she saw Cheney stumble and catch himself as he left the service.

"I think I know just how he feels," said longtime friend and personal lawyer Harry Whittington. "This must just be devastating to have this happen to him again." Whittington is reportedly flying to Casper to represent Cheney should legal complications arise.

The White House was contacted, and spokesperson Scott McClellan stated: "The president is saddened by this news, and out of respect will be canceling the traditional Easter egg roll on the White House lawn which will be held in support of gay parents this year. Regrettably the president was not going to be able to attend anyway. As there appears to be an ongoing investigation into the incident it would not be appropriate to comment further. The president wants to assure America that Easter will go on, and he urges parents to say whatever they have to help their children through this."

Dr. James Dobson leader of the controversial interest group, Focus on the Family, offered his condolences to the vice president and applauded him for his heroic effort in stemming the tide of what he described as the secularization of Easter.

 

 

04/15/06 The Passion of the Anti-Christ

 

04/15/06 Rumsfeld Gets Full Monty From President



Washington, DC (APE) - "Secretary Rumsfeld's energetic and steady leadership is exactly what is needed at this critical period," the president stated. "He has my Full Monty and appreciation." The president's naked support comes in the wake of growing criticism from high-ranking general staff officers and others over Rumsfeld's performance leading up to and during the Iraq war.

The president's display of affection comes on the heels of recently surfaced documents that show clearly that the secretary of defense was well aware of and authorized routine interrogation practices which included forced nudity at Abu Gharib and Guantánamo Bay.

"Nudity is not a big deal," said President Bush. "and this is exactly why we've worked hard all along to dispel this notion that it's some kind of torture or something. If Muslims seem to have a problem with that, then they need to get it straightened out."

White House correspondent Helen Thomas was offered the first question and asked the President: "First off, Mr. President, I would like to compliment you for finally "taking the gloves off", so to speak. I think this display says volumes to the American people. My question to you is this, sir... Could the level of aggression that you're prepared to use in the Middle East be sort of inversely related to your "command presence" here today?"

The president seemed to visibly demure, and responded, "Well, it's kind of cold in here today, Helen."

Another reporter later jokingly asked if this meant that the emperor truly had no clothes, and the president responded that he hadn't read that book.

 

 

04/14/06 SBA Honors Bush for His Continued Support

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The American Small Business Association yesterday honored President George W. Bush for what they jokingly described as his "strength, obstinacy, and boldness" in defending the interests of the SBA across America. Their praise comes days after prominent Republican Senator Tom Coburn from Oklahoma lashed out at the SBA for "illegal lobbying practices" in attempting to shut down hearings into questionable post 9/11 loans received by members and big businesses at the hands of the Bush administration.

With many critics in Washington advocating the dissolution of the SBA over repeated scandals involving preferential treatment of big business over that of small-businesses, Bush's appearance yesterday was perceived as a strong message of support. Bush was praised by attendees, and awarded a small plaque commemorating the recognition of his S.O.B. qualities.

Bush praised the honest business owners and hard-working taxpayers who continued to support the SBA despite the charges of corruption. He praised the association for allowing large companies to compete for and win government contracts earmarked for small businesses. "If these big businesses ever leave," he said, "we may never get them back."

 

 

04/13/06 Rumsfeld Told to Step down by His Own Mother

Jeannette Huster: "I have met Robert McNamara, and I know Robert McNamara personally, and my son, sir, is no Robert McNamara"

 

Washington, DC (APE) -Jeannette Huster, mother of embattled Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today became the latest in a succession of high-profile persons insisting on his resignation. She spoke to press members from the Pentagon, having been clandestinely smuggled past security by anonymous Pentagon officials. In the past month, no less than four high-ranking retired generals have stepped forward to criticize Mr. Rumsfeld to no avail, so it remains to be seen what if any effect this latest call for his resignation will have upon the Bush administration.


Huster initially joked with reporters who had been under the assumption that she was dead. "Our family gets that a lot, even Donny," quipped the registered Centenarian.


Huster then became serious when discussing issues surrounding the Iraq war and the role that her son has played. "When you get to be my age you have a lot of time to just observe and absorb things. I am personally ashamed at the way things have turned out in Iraq, and the hand that my son has had in it. I believed in him when it first started, because... you want to be able to trust your son and your family, but this has just gone far enough."


"I know my boy," continued Huster, "he always did have a little bit of a problem with the truth. But I could always tell. Now don't get me wrong, I still love my son, and deep down I still believe he's a good person. He's just been hanging around with the wrong crowd again. I've asked him very nicely ever since this whole thing started to just put a stop to it, but he won't let it go. Well, the time for politely asking is over, so now I'm telling him."


Huster became visibly testy when a reporter attempted to compare Rumsfeld's stint in office to that of former Vietnam era Defense Secretary Robert McNamara. "I have met Robert McNamara, and I know Robert McNamara personally, and my son, sir, is no Robert McNamara," she said.


At the conclusion of the press conference, a furious Rumsfeld was contacted for comment. He insisted to reporters that his mother was indeed dead and that the Pentagon would be launching an internal investigation into the hoax that had apparently been perpetuated, starting within its newly established Psy-Ops division.

 

 

04/12/06 Bush Refuses to Declassify Mobile WMD Lab Report Cited By Washington Post

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Washington Post today published an article implicating the Bush administration in yet another  incident of massaged intelligence to justify the Iraq War, this time revisiting the phony claims long maintained by administration officials of Saddam's "Mobile WMD Labs". The Post talked with initial investigation team members who were actually flown to Iraq on a clandestine mission to examine trailers which the administration wished to tout as evidence of Saddam's WMD in May of 2003. The team published a report on May 27, 2003 which unanimously refuted the trailers' function, two days before the president launched a series of administration speeches claiming the trailers as proof of Saddam's biological WMD program, and therefore justification for the invasion of Iraq. The team members remained anonymous for fear of career repercussions.

The President early this morning went on the offensive in addressing the new old charges in a hastily called press conference. He appeared very calm and almost flippant, given the gravity of the situation. In it he stated that he would not be declassifying the 122 page report which could shed light on the anonymous team members' claims. He also stated that Alberto Gonzales would be launching a criminal investigation and issuing a subpoena to the involved Washington Post reporters demanding that they reveal their sources.

"When will you folks understand that we're not playing around, here," Bush joked. "National Security is nothing to be taken lightly. As the fortunes of the President go, so goes those of America."

"Yes, we were aware of the claims that the trailers were just used to manufacture hydrogen," Bush continued, "but hydrogen is dangerous. Surely you have all heard of the hydrogen bomb. And... come on... hydrogen for peaceful purposes... weather balloons? They don't have any weather in Iraq... just lots of wind and sand. And hydrogen as an alternative fuel... look at all the oil we've... er... he had. I'm sorry, but that dog just won't roll over and play dead."

"We're now pretty certain that in fact these were Mobile Crystal Meth Labs, which were just as dangerous," Bush claimed. "It really explains a lot about Saddam and his sons if you think about it."

Bush concluded, "We're at war here, folks and this unauthorized leaking has got to stop. I pledge to you that these intellectual villains will be caught and punished."

 

 

04/12/06 Bush Plugs Leaky Medicare Prescription Drug Plan

Jefferson City, MO (APE) - President Bush yesterday made an appearance in Missouri to sell his new Medicare - D prescription drug benefit plan to senior citizens. Critics say the plan, much like the Bush administration itself, has been leaking like a sieve since its onset. The Bush administration now owes over 40 states millions in funding that they pledged in good faith to literally prevent seniors from dying during the transition to the controversial plan. Democrats opposed to the program have also produced figures demonstrating that in actuality it will wind up costing taxpayers $700 billion, almost twice the the low ball, massaged estimate of $400 billion over 10 years, initially floated by the White House.

"I urge people not to listen to the noise and all the politics... that's just the system... and see whether or not this prescription drug coverage makes sense," Bush said in Des Moines Iowa. "If you're a poor senior with dementia, this program will make sense to you."

"Every senior is saving money, and that's what people have got to know," Bush said. "And now we're going to be asking our seniors to do their patriotic duty and give this money back so that the system can continue and more needy people can be enrolled."

"I'm just telling you it's a bitter pill," the president said, "but it's got to be swallowed because it's good medicine for American pharmaceuticals."

White House numbers indicate that over 29 million seniors have enrolled to date which includes 20 million seniors who were automatically enrolled under duress because their Medicaid was terminated. "We estimate, that if only half of the seniors enrolled thus far do the right thing and return their savings, the ludicrous $700 billion estimate for the program's cost proposed by Democrats would be cut by one to two percent," said Mark McClellan, chief Medicare official.

Bush also spent time in Missouri campaigning for Republican Senator Jim Talent, who is in a hotly contested race with Democratic State Auditor Claire McCaskill. McCaskill stated, in regards to the administration's controversial drug plan: "I think it probably needs to be changed to Medicare Part 'F'... I think the 'D' is too generous of a grade."

Mark McClellan, the chief Medicare official, and incidentally, brother to White House spokesperson Scott McClellan immediately spun McCaskill's criticism saying: "An 'F' is too harsh at this point, and I think America, and particularly its seniors now see the extra credit and bake sales that the president is willing to commit to. This is sort of like 'no grandparents left behind', unless it's their time, of course."

 

 

04/11/06 The Fissiles of October

Hollywood (O! Online Movie Reviews) - Two radical extremist leaders from different religions. Set on a course of total destruction that could spell nuclear disaster. The world awaits breathlessly to see who blinks first. This is the plot of the new movie from Tantamount Pictures,  a subsidiary of Bushco, Inc.

Scheduled to open later this summer in an Operational Theater near you, this movie is the story of a developing Islamic nation and its newly elected radical leader President Dinejanedy who cross paths with a global alliance of nuclear countries determined to keep nuclear technology from their hands.

The Aliance is headed by an equally fanatical Christian leader Bushchev who is determined to crush the world and spread his brand of Democrunism. Bushchev has formed an unholy alliance with the recently installed "president" Karztro. Together from Karztro's isolated Democrunist island in the middle east they threaten the very existance of Dinejanedy's Muslim home next door.

As diplomacy is rebuffed by Bushchev, and negotiations crumble, the world holds its breath and awaits nuclear death and destruction. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll duck and cover. Rated R, for really could happen. Advance Reviews:

"Wildly Speculative!" K. Rove, Washington Times

"No Comment." Washington Post

"I'm going to sue." S. Hersh, New Yorker

 

 

04/10/06 US Propaganda Magnifies Ahmadinejad Threat

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Washington Prost today revealed that the threat from Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in actuality a sophisticated Psyops campaign put forth by the Pentagon. Brigadier General Mark Kimmitt described the campaign as "The second best PSYOP program to date, surpassed only by the one involving Abu Musab al Zarqawi." The Pentagon stressed that the involved propaganda was completely disseminated in the Arab speaking press, and any filtering into the American press, while regrettable, should be viewed as minimal collateral damage.

"It's amazing the things that you can get people to believe," said an anonymous PSYOP technician. "The mere idea that a radical, fundamentalist religious zealot could be fairly elected to his country's highest office is just ludicrous, but there are tons of people out there who are willing to cling to this notion in order to preserve their xenophobic view of life."

While attempting to minimize the extent of "collateral damage" from ongoing PSYOPS programs in Iran and Iraq, a former defense official speaking to independent journalist Sy Hersh stated that he was both "shocked and awed" by the extent to which the programs have permeated the very White House and those who should seemingly know better. He stated, "When I read that the administration felt that a sustained bombing campaign in Iran will humiliate the religious leadership and lead the public to rise up and overthrow the government, I just had to ask,`What are they smoking?' "

In a related story, shares of Reynolds Aluminum today rose sharply in the Dow Industrials, as retailers reported widespread panic buying of aluminum foil across America.

 

04/09/06 Infamous One-Eyed Bush-Monkey to Go on Display

New York, NY (APE) - Psy, short for Psyops has found a new home at "Ripley's Believe it or Not" Museum in New York City. Psy is an incredibly rare Albino Bush-Monkey who was born with only one eye and no nose. A large portion of the world continues to write him off as a hoax, not believing him capable of survival for over six years. It is hoped that the new display will go a long way towards dispelling some of these rumors.

Psy, or "George" as some of his keepers have nicknamed him, has stunned scientists and pundits alike with his continued survival for over six years now. They describe him as loveable and pleasant natured in one on one situations, but they also stated that if he feels threatened, he becomes aggressive and reckless. "We were originally concerned about his welfare when we agreed to the exhibit," stated one of Psy's keepers, a Dr. Karl, "but then Ripley's assured us that the exhibit would take into account George's limitations. He will have a specially designed viewing room in which he will only be able to see one person at a time... he'll never be able to tell the difference."

Karl continued, "Due to his having only one eye, he inherently has no depth perception, and as near as we can tell, he's 'dumber than a bag of hammers'. That's what so fun about "George" he just doesn't seem capable of learning from mistakes. You really feel for him, but it's darned funny to just sit back and watch him do the same stupid things over and over again and expect the outcome to be different. He really seems to enjoy it."

Veterinarians stated that Psy also suffers from a rare disorder called "gelastic seizures" which are marginally controlled, and often brought on by stress. During one of these attacks, Psy is noted to smirk and giggle incessantly. While most primates are adept at rudimentary forms of communication, Psy has failed at all attempts at acquiring communication skills, such as sign language or drawing. He has, however, learned a few rudimentary obscene gestures which he uses at inappropriate times, according to his handlers. All attempts to teach him writing and drawing have resulted in Psy just eating the crayons and giggling, and he reportedly likes the red ones best.

Psy's exhibition will be the centerpiece of a group of associated exhibits dealing with rapid genetic mutations and the destruction of the global environment under the Bush Administration. Other exhibits will include dwarf sequoias, toxic sludge, and a microscopic "Glee Club" composed of sentient embryonic blastocysts.

 

 

04/09/06 Bush Greets Duke University Men's Lacrosse Team at White House

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush today set aside 15 minutes out of a busy schedule to meet with the Duke University Men's Lacrosse Team and their recently dismissed head coach. Bush praised the young men for showing strength of character and determination during times of adversity. While Bush normally meets only with autistic athletes and national champions, a White House spokesperson stated that the president felt that it was important to be more inclusive in such events and recognize a more complete story of college athletics.

The Duke team is facing a growing scandal in regards to an alleged rape of an African American exotic dancer by team members at an off campus team party. In addition, fifteen of the 47 members of the team have been charged in the past with numerous alcohol violations, noise violations, and urinating in public. DNA samples of team members have been obtained by police, but no charges have been filed to date, and the investigation continues.

The team's season was been suspended last week by University President Richard Brodhead at a point where they were 6-2 and inside favorites for a national championship. Late last week, head coach Mike Pressler tendered his resignation, which was accepted.

"These guys played in the National Championship last year," stated Bush, "they've got to be disappointed, and your heart just goes out to them. While I don't condone the bad behavior of a small few, I can identify. I played rugby on an intercollegiate level, in my day. I hope these fellows can make it through this trial as a team, and come to realize that alcohol and sex just don't mix well."

A White House spokesperson denied that the meeting was in any way related to the administration's own burgeoning potential legal scandals, and an attempt to reinforce the concept of innocence before guilt is proven. "This should be in no way considered innocence by association."

The President reportedly enjoyed joking around with the school's mascot, who was also present for the photo opportunity. "I like his ears." said Mr. Bush.

 

 

04/08/06 I Found Another Really Spooky Norman Rockwell Painting

The comparison between Norman Rockwell's painting from another generation dealing with the subject of free speech and that of the video capture of Charlottean Harry Taylor standing up to tell George Bush that he should be ashamed of himself, really made the hair on the back of my neck stand up when I first saw it at The Daily KOS. Norman Rockwell has always been one of my favorite artists, and I have always been astounded at his abilities both technically, and the way that he is able to put on canvas some immortal truths about humanity. The comparison between these pictures yesterday is proof of the timelessness of his work.

Rockwell was very prolific, so I was immediately interested in revisiting his works and digging around the internet for any other paintings that really stood out. I found quite a few that were remarkable, but there was one that really stood out for me. I thought it was amazing the way that he was able to capture the ages old expressions of fear and mischievousness as well as stubborn lack of remorse in children, knowing that they have been caught red-handed in the wrong... Submitted for your approval is Rockwell's "No Leaking" (digitally enhanced, of course):

 

 

04/07/06 Administration Responds to Libby Accusations on Outing of Valerie Plame: "We All Did It!"

Washington, DC (APE) - Pundits  and administration supporters alike were left sputtering yesterday with the release of court transcripts from the Patrick Fitzgerald investigation that revealed that authorization for the leaking of classified intelligence which resulted in the destruction of Valerie Plame's undercover status with the CIA came from none other than president Bush himself. Common speculation is that this will be the lynch-pin of Libby's defense, implying that all involved in the incident are absolved of any wrongdoing because it was an executive order that was being carried out. This appears to be a position that the Bush administration has apparently embraced, as a White House aide jokingly put it, "Screw it, We all did it!"

President Bush, yesterday appearing in Charlotte, NC, found himself fielding an unscripted question from an audience member critical of his domestic wiretapping policies. He was largely unapologetic, and insisted that a multitude of lawyers had assured him that his actions were indeed constitutional.

The administration today seemed to take the same tack in regards to the Valerie Plame leak. They insisted,  through Attorney General Alberto Gonzales that the President's and subsequently the Vice President's actions were above scrutiny because of the simple fact that America was and is at war... but not a civil war... in Iraq.

A White House spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed that the administration anticipated a slow news day on Friday, and had confidence that the issue would dissolve over the weekend by the time the Sunday morning news shows had concluded.

"President Bush is relieved to be free of the burden of the deception that he has had to maintain for a number of years for national security reasons," said the spokesperson. "While the loss of Mrs. Plame's undercover status is regrettable, the president is unapologetic about his decision to sacrifice her... this is what great leaders must be able to do without hesitation."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stated that Fitzgerald's investigation would likely be wrapping up very quickly in light of this new development

 

04/06/05 Probe into Homeland Security Press Secretary Doyle's Accused Pedophilia Widens

Washington, DC (UPSI) - After the arrest of Homeland Security Press Secretary Brian Doyle yesterday, an anonymous police spokesperson today stated that he was talking freely and openly with police, which led to yet another arrest late last night of what may be an unwitting accomplice. Police sources refused to either confirm or deny the arrest, but rumors were rampant that the un-named individual may have been very high in the Bush Administration. A grainy photo of the man was leaked to reporters with no name attached. Doyle awaits possible extradition to Florida, and the fate of his accomplice is uncertain.

Doyle is accused of sexually preying upon a 14 year old girl online, who was in actuality an undercover police detective operating in an undercover sting operation in Polk County, Florida.

Further details about Doyle's activities have been leaked to the press by a Maryland police detective reportedly close to the ongoing investigation. One of Doyle's recurring fantasies was of having oral sex in the White House, and he often encouraged the undercover detective to indulge this online. It could not be independently confirmed, but some of the lewd materials transmitted on line to the Florida detective reportedly may have indeed been captured in the Oval Office. Thus far, Doyle's accomplice has refused all knowledge of and responsibility for Doyle's actions to police, steadfastly maintaining his innocence.

White House spokesperson Steven Hadley sought to distance the White House from the new allegations. "I can truthfully say that the president knew, and had met Mr. Doyle in passing, but to his knowledge, had never been photographed with him," he stated. "The president had remarked in the past that he was impressed with Mr. Doyle's computer skills. The president is literally sickened by these revelations, and indeed he will not be available for comment for the next few days as events continue to unfold."

The White House refused to speculate further about the  rumor circulating that Doyle, on occasion, served as a stand-in double for the president in some public functions, citing security concerns.

 

 

04/05/06 Breaking: John Snow Is Out, Tom Delay Is In

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Early this morning President George W. Bush stated in a hastily prepared news conference that Treasury Secretary John Snow would be stepping down for personal reasons in order to "spend more time with his investments". Effective immediately, Bush stated that Tom Delay would resign from the House of Representatives and assume the vacant position. This comes one day after Bush publicly stated that Snow would not be removed in a rumored administration shakeup.

"He has been a valuable member of my administration, I trust his judgment and appreciate his service," Bush said of Tom Delay at a news conference in the White House.

Delay spoke to reporters present, saying: "I look forward to serving the president in this capacity, because I think money is what I do best. This should go a long way in silencing the truly evil people who have cast aspersions and doubt upon my integrity. This ridiculous sham of a trial will go on in Texas but it will not interfere with my service to the country. Even if I am falsely convicted, I've been assured that there are no real barriers to a convicted felon serving in this capacity."

 

04/05/06 First Lady Comes to the Aid of Missouri's Jim Talent

St. Louis, MO (APE) - Apparently attempting to take advantage of questionable polls showing that the First Lady is among the most popular in history, the Bush administration yesterday sent Laura Bush to aid the ailing Senate campaign of incumbent Republican Senator Jim talent. Talent was scheduled to miss the appearance by the First Lady, and spokesperson Rich Chrismer stated that they were working hard to see that the same happens for a scheduled $250 per plate fundraiser featuring Vice President Dick Cheney in Springfield on April 10.

"Missourians understand if you spend $250 for a plate with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to eat everything," Chrismer stated. "Senator Talent doesn't always agree with the administration but he has always appreciated their attempts at providing a free lunch for large and small businesspeople alike. Heh... Missouri loves company."
"

The First Lady spoke at a luncheon for Talent in St. Louis in an attempt to help raise $200,000 for his campaign. "At this historic time in our country, no issue is more important than defending Republicans, and Jim is an especially important voice."

"There's a reason that Republicans are bringing in the only popular member of the Bush family," said Democratic spokesperson Jack Cardetti, "but I'm damned if we can figure it out. You can only put so much lipstick on a pig, and the folks in Missouri are sick of pork barrel politics."


 

In a stark contrast, Bush's first appearance of the day was a low-key event at an adolescent treatment center in St. Charles. She spent time with five teenagers undergoing treatment at the facility. "I could really give you some advice, but it probably wouldn't be appropriate," she explained to the teens. "Let's just say that there are lots of ways that you can beat this, and your parents don't necessarily have to be wealthy and influential."

While it is unclear how successful this latest White House campaign strategy will be, insiders stated that the administration is poised to expand upon its perceived successes with the marketing of the First Lady and distancing her from the president. One idea reportedly being floated to possibly address the vice president's abysmal poll numbers is a combined appearance with the First Lady at a $500 a pheasant hunting/shooting event with the proceeds to go to the RNC.

 

04/03/06 Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald Taken into Custody for "Exceeding Authority"

Washington, DC (APE) - In a stunning development today, federal authorities arrested special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald in conjunction with his ongoing investigation of the leaking of Valerie Plame's identity as an undercover CIA agent. Lawyers for I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the only individual thus far charged in the ongoing investigation had filed a 24 page brief with the courts on Friday which claimed that the Special counsel had exceeded his authority. Early Monday morning, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales met with Federal Marshals who in turn took Mr. Fitzgerald into custody without incident.

A spokesperson for the Justice Department stated that the Defense team's charges had merit, and that they acted accordingly.

Officials are reportedly weighing the possibility of charging Fitzgerald with "terrorism" and having him detained indefinitely as an enemy combatant.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated: "This type of behavior is exactly what former Justice O'Connor was hinting at early last month when she claimed that our very democracy was in danger. This is a very dangerous and deluded man, and this administration is proud to say that his reign of terror is at an end."

 

04/03/06 Harris Announces New Direction in Campaign for Florida Senate

Tallahassee, FL (Rotters) - With her campaign for the seat of Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson seemingly in tatters, and a recent scathing comparison to the Energizer Bunny on the progressive blog Daily Kos, Representative Katherine Harris of Florida announced that she would not be throwing in the towel, unless it was a fresh, hot one. Harris today stated that she would instead be embracing the slings and arrows lobbed at her from what she described as the "Fringe Left" with a campaign borrowing from the ever popular Eveready mascot.

"She is energetic," stated Harris' lone remaining campaign worker/spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous, "You have to give her that."

Harris pledged to dip into her personal coffers last month and come up with $10 million of her own money to continue footing the bills, against the recommendations of Advisers. "We are a stronger campaign today than we were yesterday", Harris stated yesterday in a news release, possibly referring to the fact that she would no longer be paying salaries to a campaign staff. Harris could not be reached for comment as to the strength of her campaign today, but her lone staffer stated, "We'll keep going, and going, and going..."

Harris has largely been abandoned by GOP leadership, and critics maintain that the likely cause is due to recent allegations of bribery, which Harris steadfastly denies. "We've done everything we can to try to reign her in," said an anonymous RNC spokesperson, "But she keeps whoring, and whoring, and whoring..."

 

04/02/06 Rice, Straw Stun the World with Elopement to Baghdad

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and British foreign Secretary Jack straw today stunned the world with a surprise visit to Baghdad on Sunday and a quick ceremony at an undisclosed location. Rice was sent reeling from a visit this weekend to Straw's hometown of Blackburn during which she was consistently met with angry protesters. Rice's visit to England and Straw's family was a stark contrast to the warm reception Straw received when he visited Rice's home state of Alabama last year. Well-wishers speculated that perhaps this might have weighed heavily in the couple's elopement to Baghdad.

This was the first marriage for the Secretary of State and the second for the British foreign Secretary. Straw's ex-wife Anthea Weston expressed shock at the turn of events and stated that she and straw's two children had no idea this might happen. A spokesperson for the Bush administration stated that there would be officially no comment. President Bush is currently at his home in Crawford, TX, having returned from a meeting with Mexican President Vicente Fox, and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper in Cancún, Mexico. The president reportedly has been very quiet about the news of the elopement and may reportedly stay for two more days in Crawford before returning to the White House.

The Rice/Straw union in Baghdad comes amidst a growing Civil War which many in America are reluctant to acknowledge. Critics have dismissed this as a "marriage of convenience" with a giving in to the passions of war. Others have stated that Rice and Straw were making a real attempt at arguing for a unified Iraq by example.

"The fact that we're going out to have these discussions with the Iraqi leadership before leaving on our honeymoon is a sign of the urgency which we attach to a need for government of national unity," Rice told reporters.

Straw said: "We're committed to Iraq, just as I am committed to Condi, but we need to see consummation, and that is in everybody's interest."

"This is in many ways a time of testing and indeed virgin territory for the Iraqi nation and the Iraqi people. They need a strong government that can act on their behalf in this time of surrender," said Rice.

The couple reportedly will be leaving for a working honeymoon in Darfur after concluding their attempts today in Baghdad to remove Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari. Dozens of Jaafari supporters took to the streets in Baghdad on Sunday, holding a mock wedding and flipping hundreds of garter belts labeled "Democracy".

 

 

04/01/06 Wherein Dood Abides Reveals his True Identity

I've had more and more people lately asking me to give out my real name and identity, and what I do for a living. I've always been a staunch supporter of privacy on "the internets" and reluctant to do so especially as far as blogs are concerned. There's a real power in anonymity. Nowadays, you can never be careful enough with the hordes of computer hacks out there who are ready and willing to simply steal your identity. I've also sort of frowned on people who were into the whole "self promotion" thing.

My main concern, however, has always been over what effect "coming out", so to speak, might have upon my job, my wife and my family. I have told people all along that my activities online, if traced back to me, might have some very real consequences for my real life job. Well, things have gotten to the point with my work that I'm convinced that "outing myself" wouldn't really matter anymore, and as a matter of fact, there may very well be some advantages to it. It's gotten to the point in my work where job security is just about an illusion, and maybe a change might be for the better.

About my job... I must confess that I've had to lead a lot of people on in that regards. I'm not really a professional at all, and truth be told, I dropped out of college pretty early on. I did get a degree in media and marketing from one of those think tanks, though. I suppose that's another falsehood that I've perpetuated too... I've always told people that my real life job didn't have anything to do with Photoshopping and making stuff up... but... well, that's pretty much what I do for a living, and I've gotten pretty good at it.

Well, anyhoo...  I must confess that I'm beginning to feel a bit of naughty exhilaration at my decision to reveal myself online. I've heard a lot of bloggers get this feeling when they decide to take the plunge. I don't feel quite comfortable with giving out my name and address yet, though... I make no apologies for the way I look... I'm middle aged and the years and vices have taken a toll. Well, if you want to get a look at the real me, CLICK HERE.

Oh... don't forget to check today's date and set your clock ahead an hour tonight ... ; )

 

 

04/01/06 Tapes Reveal How White House Operators Handled Hundreds of Thousands of Post-9/11 Tactical Errors

Washington, DC (Rotters) - White House operators listening to deceived citizens' heartrending and often profane pleas for help from within the midst of the crumbling infrastructure of America repeatedly said that help is on the way while they struggled to cover for an illegal war, reckless spending, bribery scandals, and hundreds of thousands of "tactical errors", several reams of White House phone call transcripts released Friday show.

In releasing transcripts of the 130,000 calls, White House officials redacted the words of those who sought help. But the White House operators often mocked the callers words, shedding light on the fear and chaos sown by the administration immediately after 9/11 and hurricane Katrina.

The first call came seconds after the first bomb dropped on Iraq in March of 2002. A second call hit the White House operator 17 minutes later, and by 10:28 both switchboards had collapsed under the weight of the initial "tactical error" leaving 2324 Americans and over 16,000 wounded to date.

Operators assured the callers, most of them in swing states with economies based in tourism, that help was on the way, or was already there in ways that they did not understand. In all cases they made phony offers of compensation.

"Okay, ma'am. All right," a White House operator told a caller the day of the invasion. "Well, Bin Laden is there now. We're trying to bring freedom and democracy to everybody. Okay?"

30 months later, another operator told a frantic caller trapped underneath the rafters of the second floor of a Lower Ninth Ward home in New Orleans to try to use paper towels and lie under the roof and not open their mouth.

"We are trying to get up there, sir. But, I'm afraid you're wrong, the levees have not collapsed, OK?" The operator said. "I know it's hard to breathe water. I know it is. But you can do it."

The transcripts of nearly 130,000 calls were released after the New York Times and relatives of September 11 victims, Iraq war casualties, hurricane Katrina victims, American Indian tribes, victims of the Enron collapse and Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame sued to get them. An appeals court ruled last year that the calls of the victims of the Bush administration were to intense, emotional, and frequently profane to ever be released. As a result over 70% of the reams of transcripts was redacted.

"If you feel like your life is in danger, do what you must do, OK?" One operator told a G. Boulis of Miami, FL, a former owner of a fleet of Casino ships. "I'm not allowed to give you any more advice than that." Days later, Boulis was found dead in his car with three bullets in his chest.

The massive transcript release coincides with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's statement yesterday in England in which she said, "I know we've made tactical errors, thousands of them, I'm sure, but history will judge whether the larger aims and decisions were correct."

 

03/31/06 Bush/NAFTA Summit in Cancun turns Tragic

Cancun, Mexico (APE) – Tragically, four Mayan priests were killed today in an ancient purification ceremony gone horribly wrong. They were killed at the summit of the Kukulcan Pyramid in Chichen Itza, Mexico while performing an ancient ritual in honor of visiting president George Bush which would purge him of "demons and evil".

The distraught wife of one of the priests later spoke through an interpreter and said: "I had a very bad feeling about this last night, and saw it happening in my dream. I begged my husband not to participate, but he insisted. Clearly they had no idea what they had gotten into."

Witnesses stated that there was a rapid appearance of a huge airborn Demon when the ceremony began. It was observed to suck the life-forces instantly from the priests involved, and then, just as rapidly disappeared.

A photographer for the Mexican newspaper Inquisidor Nationale reportedly snapped a photo of the incident, but the authenticity was in doubt as of this post.

President Bush, Mexican President Vicente Fox and newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Harper were at the base of the pyramid for a photo opportunity and were apparently unaware of the tragedy that was unfolding.

The bodies of the priests were turned over for autopsy to the state medical examiner in Cancun. A preliminary statement from the coroner indicated that there was, as yet, no discernable cause of death. The statement described all four priests as normal in appearance, with no signs of trauma, but just dead. Witnesses independently verified this description, stating that the four men just appeared to be unresponsive and bushed at the scene.

The three leaders, Bush, Fox and Harper were appearing for a photo opportunity at the pyramid in Chichen Itza at the suggestion of Mexican interior minister Carlos Ponzi. The three are meeting in a NAFTA summit this week to discuss their nations' economic plans.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "Our sympathy goes out to the families of the priests, but it is entirely too premature to place blame for this at the feet of the President. When you worship graven images, sometimes this is just the sort of thing that can happen."


 

03/29/06 Britney Sculpture of Birth Given Approval by Pat Robertson

Brooklyn, NY (APE) - A controversial sculpture of a nude Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug today was given approval by equally controversial conservative religious leader Pat Robertson. This culture displays a decidedly provocative pose of Spears with newborn son Sean Preston's head emerging from the birth canal. The sculpture is entitled "Monument to Pro-Life: the Birth of Sean Preston". Robertson, who was invited to a private viewing last night at the Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery in Brooklyn, praised the pop star and sculptor Daniel Edwards for the pro life collaborative message. "I may not know much about art," stated Robertson, "but I know what I like."

The clay mockup, which is currently on display in the gallery, was cast in resin by the artist on Tuesday and will be on display starting April 7. The sculpture has become a touchdown of controversy between pro-life and pro-choice movements, with the gallery receiving over 3000 e-mails from around the world.

Extra security has been hired for the opening of the exhibit under threats from both the pro-life and pro-choice movement's and more notably PETA. A spokesperson for PETA railed against the hypocrisy of a supposedly pro-life sculpture being displayed on a bearskin rug.

The artist Edwards smiled and refused to comment over whether the inclusion of the bearskin rug was intentional or merely an oversight.

Spears's publicist, Leslie Sloan, refused to comment on the controversy. Spears, however, is rumored to be very excited and appreciative of Edward's work, and disappointed with the overall controversy. Spears reportedly will be attempting to make amends with offended PETA and Pro-life supporters. It is rumored that over the next week she will be unveiling a line of autographed infant car seats with the proceeds to go for Pro-life organizations throughout the world. Also, she has placed for bid on eBay one of the first soiled diapers from six-month old Sean Preston which reportedly clearly shows an image of the president, George W. Bush.

In an attempt to make amends with the sculpture's inadvertent slight to PETA supporters, Spears will also be offering, over the next week on eBay, a used leopard patterned maternity bra. All proceeds again will be donated to PETA.


 

03/28/06 Bush Holding off the Record Meetings with Reporters: Stages a Swearing in Ceremony for New Kossacks

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Indulging in a time honored strategy to save a failed presidency, George W. Bush has reportedly been holding "off the record" meetings with selected reporters during this past week. Several reporters and bloggers, including Daily Kos founder Marcos Moulitsas, admitted to reluctantly participating in or being invited to such events.

Moulitsas, or "Kos", as he likes to be referred to, was in Washington, DC yesterday for a book signing of his new grassroots political 'how-to' book entitled "Crashing the Gates" which he co-authored with fellow blogger Jerome Armstrong. Moulitsas admitted that he was dumbfounded when he received the invitation for an exclusive White House off the record meeting yesterday.

"It was beyond surreal... it was downright creepy," stated Moulitsas. "He wanted to talk about my kid, my family and the new house we bought. He knew things. At one point he started asking me questions about immigration and my parents citizenship. The last time I felt this creeped out was when I was watching that Agent Smith interrogation scene from The Matrix."

Critics claim that these informal meetings are an attempt to play to what is perceived as the president's strengths in salvaging his legacy. The White House has often felt that the president shines best at strictly informal one-on-one presentations.

According to Moulitsas, Bush then went on to thank him and Daily Kos bloggers in their efforts last year in cleaning up the White House press corps. Off the record, the president referred to "Gannongate", in which the false credentials of a White House "correspondent" Jeff Gannon were exposed. Bush reportedly thanked Moulitsas for his support in exposing an undercurrent of sexual deviance in the White House press corps, and asked for the online community's continuing support in exposing Helen Thomas.

Moulitsas stated that the president then insisted in participating in an online virtual swearing in ceremony for the 50 newest Kossacks to sign up at The Daily Kos. Bloggers who participate in the online community at The Daily Kos are frequently referred to as "Kossacks". A dramatic blowup of the Daily Kos logo served as a backdrop and the president wore a matching orange tie.

Moulitsas revealed that, off the record, President Bush admitted to being a longtime "lurker" on Daily Kos with a user ID number in the 30,000's. "We maintain a strict policy of anonymity at the Daily Kos." stated Moulitsas. "This includes banning people for impersonating real personages. I can't tell you how many variations of "George W. Bush" we've had to ban over the years. We have a number of real life celebrities and politicians who actually do post under their real names, and probably the most recent and most famous is former President Jimmy Carter. In each case we meticulously checked these people to verify that they are who they say they are. I don't doubt that Mr. Bush actually is a member with a different "handle". With what I have learned of him today, the resources that he has available, and his proven track record for illegal surveillance, I think we will have to go back and seriously reevaluate our precautions on anonymity. I think our gates have been crashed."

 

 

03/26/06 FDA Announces Black Boxes for All Pharmaceuticals

Washington, DC (APE) - The FDA, as a result of an ongoing feud with its advisory panel, announced this weekend that from this point on, all pharmaceuticals with no exclusions will have black boxes. This action comes on the heels of the advisory panel's Thursday recommendation in a 12 to 1 vote to not approve Cephalon Inc.'s Sparlon for the treatment of ADHD. A recent suggestion for blackbox warnings for all medicines used in the treatment of ADHD by the advisory panel, was later overruled by the FDA.
Cephalon's shares plunged almost 13% as a result at the close of trading Friday. Georgia-Pacific's shares rose almost 20% as a result of the same news.

A black box "warning" is the strongest action that the FDA routinely takes short of banning a drug from sale. The new blackbox packaging mandate issued this weekend will be used as a step prior to an official blackbox warning. The pharmaceutical industry will be given approximately 3 months to comply.

A spokesperson for the Bush administration controlled FDA stated, "We simply have no choice in the matter. If the average physician in his or her office cannot take the time to simply go over in depth with the patient the entire package insert on a typical medication regarding all side effects and dangerous or lethal outcomes no matter how remotely possible, then we must act. For God's sake, they weren't even telling women that the use of RU-486 is routinely killing embryos."

The spokesperson went on to say that the universal blackbox was not expected to go over well with the pharmaceutical industry, but that a number of options were available for companies seeking redress. Companies would be allowed to keep their same logos and colors but the overall box must be black. Companies wishing to make major tax-free donations to consumer advocate groups such as "National Right to Life" would be taken into consideration to be allowed to keep their original packaging.

Overall, the response from the pharmaceutical industry has been mixed at this early juncture. Many companies insist that they will fight what they consider an unfair and frivolous ruling through legal and political means. Other companies have taken the mandate in stride and already begun marketing campaigns. A consortium of companies which have elected not to fight the blackbox mandate have already proposed a universal slogan for the industry: "A new and improved blackbox, but the same proven medicine and side effects you've come to know and to trust."

 

 

03/25/06 White House and Pentagon Reveal Further Evidence for Russian Involvement with Hussein in Iraq War

Washington, DC (Washington Prost) - An anonymous White House/Pentagon source today revealed further photographic and documentary evidence suggesting that Russian intelligence sources inside America were able to feed information to Saddam Hussein prior to the US invasion. The information was reputedly confiscated by US troops from various Hussein command posts after the invasion.

The evidence is reportedly contained in a new classified Pentagon report authored by Kevin Woods. This new leak to the press was apparently without the knowledge of or permission from Mr. Woods. "I don't have any other knowledge of that topic," Woods stated.

The anonymous White House/Pentagon source stated in an exclusive interview with the Washington Prost that the information from the Russians formed a key piece of the deception and disinformation effort leading up to the invasion in March of 2002. He stated that it should be credited for the overall success of the initial campaign. The information in question included details of American troop strength and movements and overall strategies, including plans to bypass cities rather than occupying them. The overall report shows a Saddam Hussein paralyzed with indecision over the information, further affecting his meager abilities in military leadership.

Kremlin sources continue to deny any Russian involvement with the Hussein government at the time of the US invasion.

The anonymous White House/Pentagon source went on to claim credit for the Bush administration for the successful strategy. "America and her armed forces owe an extreme debt of gratitude to the hard work and ingenuity provided by Tom Delay and Jack Abramoff working behind the scenes," he stated. "Both of these gentlemen have been impugned and slandered unfairly in the American press by far-fetched conspiracy theories over bribes and money laundering. The reality is that they were just serving their country... in a top-secret manner, that is. Even the president had no knowledge of their actions."

Delay and Abramoff have recently come under criticism and scrutiny for reportedly receiving over $1 million from Russian energy executives which was in turn funneled into a front company called the US Family Network. Critics have declared this to be an obvious bribe for Delay's influence over an IMF loan for Russia.


The anonymous White House/Pentagon source concluded: "These are sad times indeed when honorable men such as these can be so wrongly accused for treasonous acts. But, we live in a democracy, and if they're accused, let them stand trial quickly and execute them if they're found guilty. Otherwise, we should honor them and recognize the tremendous deeds that they have done in the service of their country."

 

03/24/06 Abdul Rahman ups Pressure against Afghan and US Governments in Christian Convert Case

Washington, DC (APE) - Afghan Christian convert Abdul Rahman, currently facing possible execution for his conversion from Islam, significantly upped the ante today by threatening to reveal what he called "highly placed" Christian converts within the fledgling Afghan government. Prosecutors in the case have stated that they now have begun to doubt the claims of Rahman's insanity and are promising a full investigation.

When asked for specifics by Western reporters, Rahman, who has never denied his loyalty to Christianity, implicated none other than the new president of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai. In an exclusive interview with CBS reporter Ed Murrow, Rahman claims to have participated in outlawed communion services with Karzai and other high-ranking government officials. "I have most certainly broken bread with him," stated Rahman. "We have also shared the fruit of the vine together." Alcohol consumption is considered a severe violation of sharia law.

Karzai, who had previously pledged to the United States that he would spare Rahman from execution, has since stated that this may not be feasible and has formally stated that he is now on the side of Afghan officials who were formerly doubting Rahman's sanity. Mental illness under the current Afghanistan government apparently would preclude further punishment or execution, contrasted with the government of the United States.

The Afghan internal security service has promised a full response and investigation into Abdul Rahman's claims. They announced the formation of a special investigative committee within the Afghan legislature, which will initiate an investigation of all accused Christian converts in Afghanistan. A special Islamic loyalty oath has been drafted and will be voted upon by the legislature. It is expected to pass unanimously, with some minor modifications, and will then in turn be a requirement for government service or employment.

The Bush administration has come under criticism from its Christian conservative base for its slow response in outlining its stance on the persecution of Rahman. "It is deeply disturbing that actions such as these have not taken place right here in America, in the name of Christianity," said a spokesperson for influential Christian evangelist Pat Robertson.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently discussed the situation in a phone conversation with Karzai. While she would not disclose details of the conversation, she praised the Afghan President and his government for their quick action in preserving domestic security. "We have praised it at the highest levels... and we have praised it in the strongest possible terms," Rice told reporters after the call." We look forward hopefully to a resolution of this in the very near future."

 

 

03/23/06 Bush Says Troop Levels Bound by Faith

Wheeling, WVA (Rotters) - With his job satisfaction level falling even farther to 36% via a Newsweek magazine poll last week, President Bush appeared publicly for the fifth straight day, this time in Wheeling West Virginia, to plead for faith in his policies. Bush yesterday sought to answer critics complaints of a lack of clear leadership and plans in the war in Iraq by outlining his administration's official policies. He spoke to a hand picked assembly of believers in a manner almost resembling an evangelical crusade.

Bush emphasized the fluidity of the situation in Iraq stating that initially the policy was to clear, reoccupy, and rebuild in conflicts with insurgents in Iraq. With funding misappropriated, wasted, stolen, or otherwise exhausted for the rebuilding aspect of the administration's policies, Bush stated that America's armed forces have been forced to clear, reoccupy, and hope as a next best strategy. Today, Bush rolled out what he felt would be a more positive and successful strategy which will be to clear, reoccupy, and pray, or "Pray for Victory" as he preferred to call it.

"It's the Iraqi's fight. Ultimately the Iraqi's are going to have to determine their future. All we can do is pray," he stated. "I would insist that in the coming years that all Americans take time out of their busy schedules at least four times every day to just face Iraq, kneel and pray."

"They say that the Good Lord helps those who help themselves," Bush stated, "And I'm afraid that we've helped ourselves to all that's possible in Iraq at this point. It's time to give up and let God."

"Just thank God that I'm your commander in chief," he said to a father with two sons in the military.

Bush stated that America was at a crossroads of hard choices, and that unless other funding appeared, the rebuilding strategy in Iraq was over, and that simple prayer would have to suffice from this point onward. Bush further signaled that he had not totally given up the possibility of rebuilding in Iraq and that the administration would be launching a "Pledge for Victory" campaign to the American public which would coincide with National Public Radio spring funding drives across the nation. "Americans will simply have to make a choice between supporting their troops and the country of Iraq versus a liberal defeatist propaganda outlet." he stated.

Bush invited GIs and national guardsmen set to deploy in Iraq to come forwards and pray with him and accept a laying on of hands.

The administration today took credit for saving 36 American souls yesterday in West Virginia as well as three kidnapped volunteers freed in Iraq as a result of their new "Pray for Victory" crusade.

As a further show of support, Bush pledged to melt down the bronze bust awarded to him by the National Guard last month and have the mental reformed into bronze stars for anyone injured in Iraq in the service of America from this point onward. An administration spokesperson stated that it was hoped that this would bolster lagging enlistment numbers in the National Guard and armed services.

 

03/22/06 Breaking: Suspicious package at White House

Washington, DC (APE) – Law enforcement officers and secret service were called today to investigate a suspicious package left near a pedestrian gate to the White House. The package was discovered just as the president had left aboard Marine One for a trip and planned appearance before supporters in West Virginia.

Security was initially drawn to the package by none other than First Pooch Barney, a retired drug sniffing dog. Barney, who had remained behind on the president's trip to Wheeling, became agitated with the package just outside the fence, and alerted authorities to its presence.

The Secret Service immediately secured the White House, and the national terror alert level was raised to red. A Homeland Security official stated that the terror alert level would remain at red indefinitely as the investigation continued.

Witnesses, before being taken into custody, claimed that the package was clearly addressed to the president, and had a return address of the Columbian Embassy.

White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan assured reporters present that the situation was under control and there was no need to become excited or propagate rumors. "I think that this was likely just an unannounced internal test of our security," he snorted. "The president has long had close ties with Columbia and the leadership there. This is just the type of co-operative venture that we might pursue."
 


03/21/06 Bush Defends Decisions in Hasty Press Conference

Washington, DC (Rotters) – Bush declared that there would be "more tough fighting ahead" in dealing with the White House press corps during a seemingly spontaneous White House press conference this morning. Attendees were stunned as he fielded a tough question from senior reporter Helen Thomas, and in so many words called her a liar in front of those present. Bush has not called upon Mrs. Thomas in over three years, possibly fearing the critical questions that she has asked in the past over the war in Iraq.

Thomas apparently questioned Bush in regards to the well documented fact that he and his administration was desirous of war in Iraq well before 9/11 and the initial invasion. Bush interrupted before she finished and claiming this was untrue and that no president ever wants war.

Bush then echoed a point made in Cleveland yesterday, stressing that Americans should take whatever blood and body fluid precautions were necessary to see past the routine, daily bloodshed in Iraq. He implored Americans to avoid the natural attraction to death and destruction and instead focus upon the good being done in Iraq wherever it might possibly be uncovered. "Nobody likes war. It creates a sense of uncertainty in the country," he said. "War creates trauma."

Bush also took the opportunity to support his beleaguered Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld to reporters. "I don't believe he should resign. He's done a fine job. Every war plan looks good on paper until you meet the enemy," he said. He then complimented the press present on being such a benign and honorable foe.

Bush then went on to elaborate in a non-specific manner about the possibility of American withdrawal from Iraq in this lifetime, hinting that he would likely be ceding that honor to a future predecessor, whoever that may be. "I'm optimistic we'll succeed. If not, they'll pull our troops out," he said. "How's that for a timetable?" he quipped with those present.

Bush further defended Rumsfeld, teasing that there might be draw downs of American forces by the end of the year, and that the infamous prison Abu Ghraib would be closing. "I've put Don personally in charge of inspections there and he assures me that things are going well… he's just good folks," Bush concluded.


 

03/20/06 Cheney Dismisses Suggestions of Civil War in Iraq

Washington, DC (APE) - Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday dismissed suggestions that America was on the verge of plunging into the midst of a civil war in Iraq. Cheney made a rare television appearance on CBS's "Face the Nation". "I don't think we can pay any intention to that kind of thing," Cheney stated. "The president has got a job to do... he ignores the background noise that's out there."

With Bush's job approval continuing to plummet, many senior Republicans are abandoning their demands for infusions of fresh blood and ideas, and are beginning to argue for hospitalization with a course of IV antibiotics.

Many political strategists are suggesting that the vice president should step aside for the remainder of Bush's term to give someone else a slim chance at getting the Republican nomination for president. "Nobody has suggested it to me," Cheney said, "I dare them..." Referring to the recent incident in which he shot a long time friend and hunting partner, Cheney said, "when you're down in the polls you're going to take shots that you don't deserve. It's probably not the first time the Secret Service ever had to worry about being shot at."

Cheney illustrated America's position in Iraq with a set of "Chinese handcuffs". "This little thing is a great way to illustrate why America must stay the course in the war in Iraq," Cheney stated. "Whoops, damn it... and I just read that talking points memo... I just want to say that we're not really at "war" per se in Iraq... damn, I said it again. At any rate, this little thing shows that when the two forces come together, in a concerted effort, heh... that is to say only then will we be able to withdraw as the Iraqi's, heh... well there are ways other than destroying the entire little thing to achieve freedom for everyone, heh... God dammit, Scooter... I mean... Karl! I told you this was a dumb fucking idea! Somebody get over here and get this fucking thing off of me!"

After the "Chinese handcuffs" were removed for the vice president, he was asked if this might be some type of premonition for his role in what many describe as unconstitutional and illegal activities by the Bush administration. Mr. Cheney noticeably stiffened, and replied, "It's been a highlight of my career to be a part of this administration, and if I'm convicted, there's no way I'll serve out my term."

 

03/10/06 Bush's Approval Ratings Hit New Low: Administration Fights Back

Washington, DC (APE) - With more and more Americans voicing their disapproval of the President through poll responses, the administration has gone on the offensive. Seeking to recapture the "folksiness" vote, in which President Bush was previously viewed  as someone the average Joe could sit down and have a beer with, the White House announced today a new "Have a Beer With the President" 12 city tour. With nearly four out of five Americans believing that civil war will break out in Iraq, including 70 percent of Republicans, White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "We just want to show that the President shares their concerns and feelings."

The most recent APE-Dipsos poll showed the President's overall rating at an all time low of 37 percent. His job approval rating plummeted from 82 to 74 percent in just under a month, with huge losses among white males, previously a Bush strongpoint.

"I'm not happy with how things are going," said Joseph Bleaux, an  out of work lifelong Republican from Atlanta, Georgia, whose tech support position was recently outsourced to India. "I'm not happy with Iraq... we should have been in and out of Iran by now. I'm not happy with how things have worked out with Hurricane Katrina... just look at all the deadbeats from New Orleans we've had to absorb here in Atlanta, not to mention places like Houston."

Mr. Bleaux continued: "I've heard his (Bush's) ideas over and over. Maybe that would be a good idea to sit down with him over a couple of beers, and see if they made sense then. They used to make sense... then I lost my job and had to stop drinking. Sure, I'd be up for it, if he's buying."

McClellan stated that the White House had high hopes for the 12 city tour. "While the President still doesn't condone drinking, this is a good way to get back in touch with our base," he said. "Everyone knows that drinking beer isn't really drinking in the 'consuming alcohol' sense, and the President has been a long time supporter of this conservative stance."

 

 

03/09/06 New Orleans Reveals $1M Influence Campaign

New Orleans, LA (APE) – On the heels of the unveiling of the state of Louisiana’s $7M tourism campaign yesterday, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin today revealed that the city had instituted a stealth influence campaign within a month after the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. To date, the successful campaign has doled out just over one million dollars to influential politicians in Washington, and Nagin credits the campaign with the return of President Bush to the flood damaged gulf coast. Bush has returned to New Orleans and the Gulf Coast six times since Katrina in high profile photo opportunities, with the most recent being yesterday.

Critics were skeptical of the Mayor’s claims, stating that the President’s visits were most likely purely politically motivated.

Nagin responded, “Oh, please… let’s be real. We have arguably the worst natural disaster in America’s history, and the blame has been placed squarely on his administration. Go look at the tapes from last week. Why would the man have any interest in coming back here? All the political capital that was possibly salvageable is now laying piled up in refuse heaps in the Ninth Ward.”

Nagin continued, “Louisiana politics has a long and storied history. We have a certain tradition about getting things accomplished. While we might have gotten off to a bad start with the Bush Administration, I think (that) they and the Republicans in power have discovered that there’s much more in common. The recent plea agreement by Jack Abramoff has been a real boon to us. It essentially took out the middle man and resulted in more bang for the buck.”

Nagin refused to feel guilty in regards to ethical concerns about the campaign. “We’ve got folks hanging by their last thread and even dying here. I will do what I have to (do) to keep New Orleans on life support, and bring her back to life. No one’s pulling the plug on my watch.”

Nagin cited the fruits of the campaign, with the return of a smaller scale Mardi Gras last month and progress on the city's levees. The Army corps of engineers has stated publicly that they are on track to complete a repaired levee system by June which should be almost as good as the system that failed during Katrina.

“‘Come for the people. Come for the beignets,’ is what the TV ad from the new Louisiana campaign says,” stated Nagin. “To the folks in Washington, I say, ‘Come for the levies. Let us put them to work for you.’”

 

 

03/08/06 Elite US Troops Get Expanded Domestic Intelligence Role: NYT

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's two-year bid to increase surveillance and intelligence capabilities of the military has been green lighted according to a New York Times report on Tuesday. The elite troops known as "Military Operational Liaison Elements" or "M.O.L.E.S" will be used in situations both domestic and abroad to "disrupt, capture or kill" terrorists.

The special units will be stationed in the US embassies in hotspots throughout the world, and in all major cities throughout the US. The force's primary objective will be to gather information clandestinely and plan counterterrorism measures in conjunction with local officials.

The special operations command reports directly to Rumsfeld, falling outside of the normal supervision of domestic and international surveillance. The teams, already in place, have been trained extensively with infiltration tactics and ways to coordinate with local authorities. The forces draw upon the best that the Army Green Berets and Rangers, the Navy Seals, the Marines, and Air Force has to offer.

While publicly the program has drawn criticism and opposition from the rank and file of traditional intelligence agencies such as the CIA, the agency's head, Porter Goss, has largely applauded the effort, particularly in regards to domestic security efforts. "I would cite you the recent case in North Carolina," stated Mr. Goss, "in which Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar attacked UNC students with an SUV. Now, had we had more "boots on the ground", we probably could have prevented this. The CIA has been strained, overworked, and hobbled by many recent leaks, but this is no excuse when it comes to the safety and protection of America. I, for one, would welcome the assistance that this innovative force could potentially offer. As a matter of fact, plans are in the works for just such a liaison strike force within the CIA."

Secretary Rumsfeld stated, "We have ample evidence that while there is certainly no civil war in Iraq, these crafty dead enders and killers may be succeeding in exporting their plans for civil unrest to the United States. This modern war of ideas in which we find ourselves is one in which delay is deadly and inexcusable. We simply must have the capacity to instantly infiltrate and disrupt unrest and the seeds of defeatism wherever they may crop up."

The Times went on to conclude that with the current level of distrust and criticism that critics in Congress and the academic world have leveled at the Bush administration's counterterrorism efforts, it would likely be impossible for it to go any lower as a result of the revelation of the existence of these forces.

 

 

03/07/06 South Dakota Governor Rounds Announces PR Blitz to Combat Tourism Boycott

Pierre, SD (Rotters) - One day after signing into law the nation's toughest ban on abortion Governor Mike Rounds of South Dakota announced a public relations campaign to fight the expected boycott from national pro-choice organizations. The legislation is widely viewed as merely a blatant attempt at forcing the issue of gradually overthrowing Roe versus Wade in what is now considered an ideologically sympathetic Supreme Court. The law forbids any abortion, even in cases of rape or incest and threatens physicians performing them with five years in prison.

A spokesperson for the governor stated that the new campaign will offer no apologies for the governor and the state's position, and will instead embrace and promote what they view as a sweeping national trend.

President George W. Bush registered his opposition to the planned legislation earlier in January, stating that he favored exceptions for abortion in cases of rape or incest. "With the president's poll numbers continuing to plummet, we feel like we've got a real shot at this," stated a spokesperson for the governor. "It's really sad to see the president abandoning the Conservative Republican values and issues which got him elected."

A representative for the public relations firm that South Dakota has hired stated that the campaign would basically be a reworking of a previously successful tourism campaign which is already in place, thus saving the state from an excessive expenditure. The slogan will be, "South Burkhota: Hiding Faces. Straight Laces." The public relations representative stated, "Our advance marketing indicates that this has real appeal to 50% of America and would likely increase tourism and possibly relocation to the state. It makes a real values statement about what Republicans and South Dakotans are all about and sends a strong message of safety and security in the global war on terror."

Future plans for the campaign will include bright blue souvenir burkhas for sale at all highway state welcome centers. They will be emblazoned with the new campaign slogan and an artist's rendition of Mount Rushmore, one of the state's main tourist attractions.

 

 

03/06/06 Oscar Winner Philip Seymour Hoffman Announces His Next Role

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Immediately after receiving the Oscar for Best Actor for his portrayal of the quirky American author Truman Capote, Philip Seymour Hoffman announced that his next project would be starring opposite Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible III as the film's evil villain.

Hoffman appears to be making a career of playing eccentric and complicated characters on the big screen, and this role will apparently be no exception. Hoffman refused to divulge many of the details around the character, but stated that he has already begun to throw himself wholeheartedly into the role, drawing upon some of the character insights that he gleaned from his studies of Capote.

He stated that under guidance of a personal physician, he had begun gaining fifty pounds for the part. Hoffman also began immersing himself in contemporary politics and world affairs.

"I'm kind of limited by the studio as to what I can say," stated Hoffman, "But this role will be one of the most difficult that I have tackled. This character is kind of an uber powerful and evil man behind the scenes of a system of "Manchurian Candidate" type leaders. It will be difficult to portray the extent of his moral bankruptcy, have it be truly believable and not have it come across as sort of campy."

Hoffman has been reportedly studying extensively the recent documentary Bush's Brain (2004) as well as the book upon which it was based in preparation for the role.

When asked about last night's Oscar, the 38 year old actor stated, "Wow, what a rush! I was overwhelmed. I joked about auctioning it off backstage for ten thousand dollars last night… but, you know, maybe there was something to that. I mean, maybe I'm telling myself that I ought to forget about it and move on to even greater challenges. It's just an Academy Award… its not like it's a Medal of Freedom or something."

 

 

03/05/06 Army Successfully Launches Patrick Tillman Probe

Washington, DC (APE) - Following three controversial investigations into the death of Corporal Patrick Tillman, the Army today announced that it has successfully launched a probe after criticisms from both the family of Tillman and the Department of Defense Inspector General. Corporal Tillman's death rose to national prominence after he walked away from a $3.6 million contract with the Arizona Cardinals NFL team in order to serve his country in war on terror. He qualified as an Army Ranger, and served in that capacity in a tour of Iraq and Afghanistan. He was apparently a frequent and vocal critic of the Bush administration's choice to invade Iraq rather than pursue Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. Controversy erupted over his death as it was revealed that the army allowed and perhaps promoted the idea that he had died in action against the Taliban when in reality he was killed by friendly fire under somewhat suspicious circumstances. Pleas from Tillman's family for justice resulted in the three previous investigations and the final launch of this probe.

The Army this morning revealed that the probe, announced yesterday, was launched in secrecy and with complete success in the early-morning hours. All materials and evidence in regards to Corporal Tillman were cremated and placed upon a Sea Launch vehicle especially contracted for this purpose. This reportedly included all papers and documentation, as well as the cremated remains of Tillman, his uniform and body armor.

An Army spokesperson explained: "Normally we would utilize one of our own launch vehicles, but in the interests of speed and efficiency we contracted with Sea Launch, and were successfully able to bump a communications satellite scheduled for liftoff. It is both exciting and inspiring to know that Corporal Tillman has been given yet another chance to serve his country honorably, even after his death. He will be involved in a one-year trip and scientific investigation of the sun."

The Army spokesperson stated that it was hoped that this would put a needed rest to the controversy surrounding Patrick Tillman's death and finally put his family at ease. "The Army deeply regrets the loss of Corporal Tillman's life and the lives of all soldiers in this war."

Tillman family members protested the expected outcome of the probe. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld replied in response, "A military commitment today is not what it used to be... especially in this new type of war in which we find ourselves. We applaud the selfless patriotism of those men and women in uniform who have returned for three and four tours throughout Iraq and Afghanistan. We simply cannot afford many luxuries in America's leaner, more efficient armed forces, with the stop loss policies we have had to initiate. Even in death, some may now have to be called up to honor their country with their service."

The Tillman probe becomes the latest high-tech addition to a long series of Army probes which include the Mai Lai massacre during the Vietnam War and more recently the Jessica Lynch rescue mission during the current Iraq conflict.

 

 

03/03/06 Bush Relents, Takes First Lady to Taj Mahal

Agra, India (Rotters) - Relenting to pressure from India's prime minister Manmohan Singh, President Bush today took the first lady on a surprise sunrise visit to the beautiful and famed Taj Mahal. Earlier yesterday the prime minister had jokingly told the president that "I hope you will be more chivalrous next time you are here" in regards to plans to not visit India's famous monument.

In a flurry of activity yesterday, the scheduler responsible for the omission of a visit to the Taj Mahal was relieved of duties and a hastily prepared tour was arranged for sunrise this morning. "I think the lack of chivalry comment may have gotten to the president," said an anonymous staffer.

The famed Taj Mahal is in actuality a mausoleum, built in the 17th century. It is the last resting place for Mumtaz Mahal, the favorite wife of Mogul emperor Shah Jahan. India, and the world view it as a monument to love, and it is regarded as somewhat of a pilgrimage for lovers both young and old.

The President and the First Lady were treated to a spectacular explosion of pastels while viewing the monument at an early-morning sunrise visit. Both were said to have been in awe, and the president was quoted as saying that all of the pastel colors reminded him of the Easter holiday which was approaching. There was a minor squabble over the president's remarks with Muslim's present, but this was quickly smoothed over.

White House staffers stated that Laura Bush, regrettably, was unable to attend as she had eaten some bad tandoori chicken the night before. Staffers speculated that this was puzzling as the President and First Lady had had the same chicken, and that perhaps something was wrong with the chutney that Mrs. Bush had eaten. "No one threw up on anyone, so this was a win all the way around for us," said an anonymous staffer.

 

03/02/06 The Last Stupor: Jesus Brownie Warns Apostles, Bush, Chertoff on Tape before Katrina

As a rule, I don't usually do commentary. I more prefer trying to tell funny stories or create phony pictures to get a point across satirically. That being said, every once in awhile you run across a picture that, like the old cliché, paints a thousand words. No Photoshopping needs to be done. It's like the spirited stallion that can't be broken.

This picture, released yesterday, is one of those rare moments in my humble opinion. The sheer power and depth of the unconscious and subconscious metaphor that was unleashed upon an apparently unaware American public is mind-boggling. I refer to a still capture of the just uncovered, and, dare I say "leaked" video depicting the briefings of President Bush, Chertoff, Brown and the rest of the apostles.

I am not a very religious person, so I would leave that to others to explore the finer details of this uncanny epiphany during this season of... well... epiphany and resurrection. To me, this was equivalent to accidentally poking one's finger into an electrical socket. It almost begs the question, "was this released on purpose?", as so many things have been by propaganda Meister Herr Karl from deep within the bowels of the Bush Bunker. Or, was this just a simple miracle, wherein God chose to tap gently on the skulls of those open enough to see, as if to say, "Yes, I'm still here, and I have a sense of humor."

I mean, really, doesn't the little videotape warning, "near end", in the lower left-hand corner of the picture raise the hairs on the back of your neck?  The dialogue... um... scripture almost writes itself.  "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie... Before your stock grows three times you will betray me... This bottled water, the fruit of the tap, is my blood, take it and drink of it, and do it in memory of me... This MRE, the fruit of the taxpayer, is my body, take it and eat of it, and do it in memory of me."  And then there's the exit light glowing over his head like the tongue of fire of the Holy Spirit...

Most people knowledgeable about politics have said that Michael Brown was sacrificed, or "crucified", if you will, for the Sins of the Bush Administration.  Do we really need further proof?  When you take into account his fledgling disaster consulting firm and his recent testimony in Congress, I think it is safe to say that Mike has died, Mike has risen, Mike will come again...

I humbly apologize to anyone who has been offended by this, but I just call them as I see them... I view myself as more of a conduit for truth, and this just had to be said. I haven't decided what to give up for Lent, and it's probably a little too late, but maybe... giving up thinking would be a good choice. Anyway, Happy Easter, and six months after Katrina, pieces be with you.

 

03/01/06 Bush, Air Force One Make Emergency Stop in Afghanistan

Kabul, Afghanistan (APE) - A visibly shaken President Bush and his entourage made an emergency landing in Kabul Afghanistan early this morning as Air Force One began experiencing significant engine problems. White House sources today stated that the engine malfunction was easily repaired and the president would be on his way tonight to continue his diplomatic trip to India and South Asia.

The White House elected to make the best of the emergency to pay a visit to President Hamid Karzai and the fledgling Afghanistan government which the US put in place of the former Taliban regime. "It worked out pretty well," stated Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, also along for the trip, "They cobbled together some red carpet and a couple of hundred soldiers as well as an appreciative local crowd, and all at the last minute."

Bush, along with the Afghan President, gave an impromptu speech to those in attendance  in which he thanked the president and the country for their continued support in the war on terror.  In his speech, Bush vowed that Osama bin Laden was indeed back on the radar screen and would be caught by someone, somewhere, at some point.

Bush then took the opportunity to meet with Americans Jonathan Keith Idema, Edward Caraballo, and Brett Bennett in a show of support. The three were convicted in 2004 of running their own private prison and torture chamber in Kabul. The three have steadfastly maintained that they were doing the work of the US government and not acting independently.

Caraballo had claimed recently that their lives were in danger in the Afghan prison where he is currently serving a two-year sentence. Speaking with APE reporters by cell phone, Caraballo stated that he was very optimistic after the visit by the president. He stated that he had received assurances that, "the situation is quieting down to the point where we should be able to walk out of here."

White House spokespersons steadfastly maintained that Americans were not using secret CIA sponsored prisons abroad. At the same time, they did express sympathy and appreciation for the three men and their families and what they have had to go through, and cited them as true entrepreneurs for their efforts in promoting the globalization of the war on terror.

 

02/28/05 Condoleezza Rice Pumps Iron for Television

Washington, DC (O! Online) – When she’s not pumping international diplomats for favors, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is usually pumping iron and doing Reps in the gym. Rice will be showcasing her many talents in a three part series with local NBC television affiliate, WRC, starting this coming Wednesday morning.

Barbara Harrison, anchor for WRC’s morning show will be featuring Ms. Rice in a piece that she has been sharing with her audience in which she is attempting to lose ten pounds.

“I was impressed,” said Harrison, speaking of Ms. Rice, “She is an animal! This really explains a lot about US foreign policy.”

In the segment, Rice will also give dieting, and workout tips, as well as a small talk about needle safety.

“She is probably the most cut secretary of State in US history,” said State Department spokesman Adam Ereli. “She’s large and in charge.”

The clip is said to conclude with Ms. Rice dead lifting a gleefully giggling President Bush over her head. Interested viewers can expect the clip to air at about 5:45 AM EST.

 

 

02/27/06 Jeeves Goes Postal

Oakland, CA (Rotters) – Jeeves the Butler, famed logo for the popular Ask.Com search engine returned to the premises of the California based company late today and attempted to take out his anger at being terminated on fellow employees at gunpoint. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but the office was left in a shambles from the angry tirade.

“You could kind of tell that this was coming,” said a fellow Ask.Com employee who wished to remain anonymous. “I know for a fact that Jeeves had been drinking pretty heavily over the last few months as things were falling apart for him. You could smell it on him today, too, but nothing cheap… that man knew his liquor.”

Jeeves apparently entered the building around 5 PM with four automatic machine pistols and thousands of rounds of ammunition hidden conveniently away in one of Ask.Com’s new Search tool boxes that they will be introducing on their home page in the near future. He insisted on speaking with the company’s CEO, and became enraged when an employee jokingly insisted that he just ask nicely. Jeeves, at that point, allegedly produced one of the machine pistols and began shooting at random.

“I don’t know if he was really intending on harming anybody,” said another employee, “Or maybe it was just the alcohol. For a guy who knew everything there was to know about guns, he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn today.”

Police successfully talked Jeeves into laying down the weapons after all of his ammunition had been used and his attempt to turn the empty guns upon himself was unsuccessful.

A police spokesperson described Jeeves as clearly intoxicated and incoherent upon arrest. “We attempted to question the subject after he was disarmed and handcuffed. All he could say was things like, “Did you mean to ask about my fashion motif?” or “I do not understand the question, ‘Do it’… Do you want to buy Nikes online?”

“Jeeves was really upset over this whole Google privacy lawsuit from the Bush administration,” said a Mr. French, identifying himself as a family friend. “He became angry when Ask.Com capitulated on the issue. He was devastated that the millions of questions that people had asked him in confidence over the years were now subject to government scrutiny. He began drinking heavily and he was never the same.”

A spokesperson for the Oakland Police Department stated that Jeeves was being held on a million dollar bond and would likely be arraigned tomorrow pending a further online search. A spokesperson for Ask.Com’s corporate headquarters stated, “Our sympathy is with Jeeves tonight, and we are just thankful that no one was either hurt or killed. It is a sad outcome for such a brilliant and knowledgeable man, but in this case, there can be no doubt that the butler did it.”

 

 

02/27/06 Bush Rumored to Be Making a Surprise Visit to Baghdad

Washington, DC (APE) - As presidential adviser Stephen Hadley suggested yesterday that Iraqi leadership had concluded with staring into the abyss of a sectarian civil war, rumors began to swirl that President Bush would be making a surprise detour to Baghdad from his Southeast Asian tour in order to instill confidence in both American troops and the fledgling Iraqi government. Observers noted that the president seemed to be very solemn in post service discussions with his pastor Rev. Luis Leon on Sunday, and some remarked about overhearing the issue of absolution brought up by the president.

As a very sedate President Bush boarded Air Force One this evening to begin the journey to South Asia, White House special adviser Karl Rove confessed to him that the planned diversion to Baghdad was an elaborate but loving practical joke concocted by staffers. The president laughed and admitted that they had him completely fooled.

"The president actually has a tremendous sense of humor," stated White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. "Sometimes he can get overly serious, though, and become a little bogged down with the burden of leadership. At those times, even some of the most ridiculous premises can appear very believable, and that's how we were able to be so successful with our little prank. We even had him believing that he would actually be visiting the ruins of the Golden Mosque in Samarra."

Also taken in by the staff pranksters was Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld was seen throughout the weekend pleading with the president's staffers to change the plans, or possibly even allow him to visit instead of the president at a later date. "The little sideshow with Secretary Rumsfeld was just icing on the cake," said an anonymous staffer. "Honestly, these are intelligent men and all, but you have to wonder sometimes. I'm sure that the only reason that we were able to pull this off was because of the trust that they have in us. Heh... that would be like trying to hose down a pipeline oil fire with rocket fuel."

 

 

02/23/06 White House Admits Secret Deal on UAE Takeover of American Ports

Washington, DC (Rotters) - An anonymous White House source today admitted that documentation uncovered by the press did indeed reveal a secret agreement between the Bush administration and Dubai Port World for operation of six major American seaports. The source also admitted that contrary to published reports yesterday, the president had indeed been aware of and involved with the deal from the onset.

The deal has come under heated criticism from Democrats as well as formerly staunch Bush supporting Republicans. The chief concern appears to be over security and national integrity in management of the ports. Critics point out the UAE's checkered past in regards to 9/11 and its support for terrorism.

The anonymous White House source went on to explain that the real tragedy lies in the exposure of the deal. He stated that the deal was the culmination of years of surveillance and intelligence gathering by multiple agencies, and the groundwork for a sting operation that was designed to quietly and efficiently round up the last vestiges of international terrorists.

The sting operation was set to begin as soon as DPW took over management of ports across the nation. DPW would present itself to Al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations in the Middle East as a friendly route of covert access into the United States for terrorists and equipment. Upon arrival, terrorist concerns would simply be culled off and routed to the CIA for processing.

"This plan was simplicity in itself," the anonymous source stated, "but now it's ruined. These damned leaks are killing me... er... us."

The anonymous source went on to say that the president, however, still intends to push for the deal despite objections from Congress and the House of Representatives. "Despite the revelation of our secret sting operation, I... um... we stand to make a boatload of money out of this."

 

 

02/22/06 Bush Unveils Top-Secret Government Renewable Geothermal Energy Source

Golden, CO (APE) - President Bush yesterday revealed a top-secret program which he has taken a personal interest in developing over the last three years. The program was the result of three years of combined private sector efforts in research with the Department of Energy and a little known program whose primary goal was to introduce the concepts of intelligent design and faith-based initiatives into modern science. The administration now claims to be on the threshold of a deal which would produce an unlimited geothermal energy source and turn America's addiction to oil into a luxury that all Americans can afford.

Bush yesterday toured the deep underground facility with its primary administrator Stan Redman. Mr. Redman, an entrepreneur and a deeply religious individual, was described by the administration as an example of the future American businessman/scientist. The president stated, "This is a fine example of what happens when individuals are allowed the tools of a free-market and privatization without the encumbrance of government oversight. When you add in the freedom of the individual to bring in their faith and religious practices into the workplace, well... that's how miracles occur."

The president toured the facility for about 45 minutes with Mr. Redman. White House spokespersons stated that the president was said to be in awe of the sheer depth of the facility and the tunneling technology which allowed it to be possible. The visitors reportedly took approximately four hours to descend and the same amount of time to exit to the surface.

Bush then reluctantly admitted to reporters that the deal for Mr. Redman's unlimited energy technology was incumbent upon the administration's following through with the sale of America's ports to Dubai. "I again say to Congress that I will simply be forced to veto any legislation that would halt or slow down this deal. There is simply too much to lose... the very soul of America is at stake here." , stated Mr. Bush.

 

 

02/21/06 Rice to Resist Arabs on Isolating Hamas

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice appeared for the press today just before departing for the Middle East with planned stops in Saudi Arabia and Egypt. Her goal will be to beat down anticipated resistance to the US government's plans to isolate both Hamas and Iran. At the press conference, Rice displayed for reporters some of the equipment that American taxpayers 75 billion-dollar investment for democracy in the middle east would be buying.

At the heart of Rice's proposal was a trimmed down and newly outfitted diplomatic corps that would be ready to rapidly respond in multiple situations at a moments notice. Interagency discipline would be restored with a durable new uniform designed for both action, freedom of movenent, and comfort.

"Our actions may lead to conflict in Palestine, Syria, Lebanon and Iran, and we've got to be ready," stated Ms. Rice. "If the opportunity to expose real evidence of Iran's nuclear ambitions, and Hamas' plans for the total destruction of Israel presents itself, we have got to be trained to react quickly, without thinking or hesitation."

Notably, Ms. Rice's statements are at odds with public comments from former President Jimmy Carter. Carter, this week, cautioned the US against strategies to financially starve off a duly, democratically elected fledgling Hamas government in Palestine.

"Sadly, former President Carter makes the point for us," said Ms. Rice. "This is further evidence of this cancerous, pre-9/11 mentality which is destroying America. We are in the midst of a new type of war, which I am proud to say that this administration is winning. American citizens will just have to trust us with the facts that have to remain classified. We are entering the final stages of the conflict. We first took the war home to the enemy in Iraq, and now in the final phase, with the sale of strategic American ports to Saudi interests we will bring the war home. In this final round, we will be able to fight much more cheaply, and at the same time put much more of a strain on the enemy's resources."

Rice will be gone for the majority of this week, and is expected to undergo a rigorous exercise and training program to test the limits of her newly acquired diplomatic equipment.

 

 

02/20/06 $365 Million Powerball Winner Steps Forward!

Lincoln, NB (Rotters) - The excitement reached a fever pitch yesterday as the U-Stop in downtown Lincoln revealed that the winning ticket with numbers 15, 17, 43, 44, 48, and Powerball 29 had been sold there. It turns out that the ticket had not been bought last Friday, as originally reported, but in actuality had been bought earlier this month on February 3rd.

An ecstatic President Bush today displayed the winning ticket at a press conference in Washington, DC., saying, "The numbers that I chose represent the times in my life that that I've gotten into trouble for drinking or drugs." Bush went on to explain that he had a member of his secret service contingent buy the ticket for him when his motorcade stopped in at the U-Stop for a raspberry latte earlier in February. The president was attending a fund raiser in Omaha, Nebraska at the time.

Walden O'Dell, chief executive of Diebold Inc., makers of a controversial new line of paperless lottery tickets, as well as the printed ticket machine from which the president's ticket was sold, was quick to offer his congratulations. "We're just pleased as punch to be able to deliver this win to President Bush."

White house spokesperson Scott McClellan later stated, "As you would expect, the first family is in a bit of shock after the win, and the president isn't quite sure how he will proceed from this point. He has said that he fully intends to continue with his old job, but maybe putting in fewer hours, and not working as hard. It's not very likely that $365 million is going to change the way that he thinks or behaves."

Rumors were circulating that there may have been another ticket with the winning numbers, but White House Special Advisor Karl Rove was working hard to put them down. Mr. Rove stated, "That's the problem with these contests... all of a sudden you have all kinds of the worst sorts of people crawling out of the woodwork to take advantage. To them I say, be careful, because there are awfully stiff penalties for fraud if one doesn't have the right connections."

The President is reported to be opting to have the entire winnings disbursed as a lump sum, and as quickly as possible. The American public will now hold its breath to see if the president and the country winds up on the same path as other past big winners of lottery payouts in which fortunes have been squandered away and individuals and families bankrupted.
 

 


02/19/06 30 Killed in Cartoon Riots

Afghanistan, Libya (APE) - In a bizarre and tragic twist today over 30 were killed in simultaneous riots in Libya and Afghanistan. The rioting began as protests over anti-Muslim Danish cartoons which were published over two weeks ago. This latest outbreak of violence occurred during a nonviolent protest staged to complain of the deaths of people over cartoon images.

Over 30 cartoons were killed and hundreds more injured when crowds turned on them. The deaths today included Garfield, Marmaduke, and the Wizard of Id. The entire family featured in the popular "Family Circus" were also killed as PJ accidentally detonated a car bomb which was apparently in hiding. Many more deaths have been confirmed but the names will not be released pending notification of the artists.

Cartoons from multiple syndicates in the US and worldwide apparently organized in an effort to bring an end to the deaths of innocent people throughout the world over cartoon depictions of Mohammed. A spokesperson for the cartoons stated that they were all generally sick to death over the violence and destruction which has been done in their names. He insisted that they were all very simple and harmless and are very angry over the fact that their message of humor and good will to mankind has become so distorted. There is talk of boycotting feature films, syndicated strips, and merchandising deals if cooler heads cannot prevail soon.

"This is just despicable!" stated riot survivor Daffy Duck. "It was horrible! I could understand if they wanted to kill me because they thought I might have bird flu or something, but we were just trying to point out their own inhumanity."

Another survivor, Ziggy waxed philosophical, "The thing that we were trying to get across is that if a cartoon is killed, it's just not a big deal. A little ink, and little eraser and we're back, good as new. But when people die, that's it, there's no do over. We were hoping to point this out in a clever and humorous way, but I guess they just didn't get it."

The governments of both Afghanistan and Libya have pledged to bring to justice those responsible for the deaths. Dick Tracy has stated that he will work closely with the police forces involved pledging support with his two-way wrist TV technology. BD of Doonesbury fame, a recent amputee as a result of National Guard service in Iraq also pledged to work closely with the artists involved and get those who have been killed and wounded back up and working as soon as possible.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan was reached for comment, and stated, "Unfortunately this is an excellent example of why Americans should leave this to the professionals. They must understand that cartoons such as Beetle Bailey are highly trained to minimize risks. Sergeant Rock has also done an outstanding job throughout his four tours to date in Iraq. Make no mistake, it is really a tragedy that an entire family has been lost because of this, but folks should exercise some common sense. You didn't see Broomhilda, Cathy, or Nancy and Sluggo involved in this."

 

02/17/06 Bush Administration Accuses Greenland of Environmental Terrorism

Washington, DC (Rotters) – On the heels of a just released study that shows that Greenland's ice sheet is melting at twice the rate that it did in the previous year, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice issued a public statement accusing Greenland of Environmental terrorism. Experts concluded that at the present rate of melting from Greenland alone the seas worldwide would rise by a level of over 20 feet. The controversial study appeared today in the journal Science.

"Obviously, with the ice cover gone, land and property values will skyrocket in Greenland," stated Ms. Rice, "but allowing the rest of the world to be held hostage by the greed of the government of Greenland is totally unacceptable."

"All options remain on the table," stated Rice, "but the crisis is rapidly coming to a head. As we speak, Greenland's blatant mining of the North Atlantic with deadly icebergs continues at an accelerated rate, and threatens the shipping and fishing industries of many nations, including the US and Canada."

"The NSA and CIA are hard at work trying to uncover the details of Greenland's covert program, dubbed "Operation Deep Thaw". On an international level, Greenlanders must be exposed and brought to justice, before the White House becomes ocean-front property."

The Bush administration is rumored to be considering an all out Iraq style invasion to overthrow the current regime, and uncover the secrets behind Greenland's weapon of ecological mass destruction. Greenland's bountiful reserves of natural gas would be used to fund the occupation and work towards reversing the feared environmental devastation.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan also added, "We have good reason to believe that there are further Nordic connections between Greenland's secret police and the Danish cartoonists who have recently sown such dissent and destruction in the Middle East and the world with their unflattering depictions of Mohammed and Islam."
 

 

02/17/06 Rufus Speaks Out

New York, NY (APE) - Fresh off of his stunning win at the Westminster Kennel Club Show, Rufus the bull terrier took advantage of the limelight to promote the plight of dogs worldwide, a cause which he is passionate about. This is becoming standard fare for most champions in the news, the most recent being US speed skater Joey Cheek, who took advantage of his recent gold medal win at the Olympics to thrust the plight of Darfur and Sudanese refugees into public view. Dining on a plate of steak tartar at Sardi's after his win in the fabled dog show, Rufus shared his concerns with the press in attendance.

Speaking through an interpreter, Rufus stated that he would be giving all of his winnings to the ASPCA with the specific intentions of caring for attack dogs and bomb sniffing dogs who have been traumatized or injured in service to their country in Iraq. Rufus stated, "Most folks don't appreciate that while we now have all voluntary armed services, dogs don't really have a choice. They are basically drafted from birth and usually given the worst, most dangerous assignments that soldiers won't touch. But, still, you don't hear them complain. Most dogs when they are allowed to return from Iraq are either mutilated for life or suffer unremitting PTSD."

Rufus stated that he felt a real kinship and a kindred spirit with all military dogs. While he has never served, he stated that he is quite proud of the fact that the bull terrier was the preferred breed for legendary World War II General George S. Patton. He stated that his great, great, great, great grandfather on his mother's side was actually featured in the Hollywood motion picture honoring the general.

"Dog human relations have really deteriorated as a result of the Bush administration and its rush to an illegal and foolhardy war in Iraq," Rufus continued. "It just sickens me to see these new pictures being released in which dogs are being forced to torture prisoners in Abu Gharib. And it's always the same story, blame the dog and the handler, and not those higher up who are responsible for issuing the orders. Well, let me tell you, dogs are not stupid. We feel, and we hurt when we're forced to do bad things. Just look at what's happened to poor Barney."

Rufus went on to state that he was unafraid of the consequences for what appears to be a largely unpopular public stance. "I just want to take advantage of my 15 minutes of fame to get the truth out."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan was reached for comment and stated, "How sad that another celebrity has chosen to use their position to perpetuate such misinformed opinions. Rufus does a real disservice to the morale of all dogs serving their country. I suppose he should be forgiven for his actions, because it's my understanding that this was likely his last show, and certainly his breeding days are over. They say that inbreeding takes a real genetic toll. Also,  I understand that dogs can get very passive after spaying or neutering... not that we have any information that this has occurred."

 

 

02/16/05 Whittington Kept under Wraps in Intensive Care

Corpus Christi, TX (UPSI) - Harry Whittington, the 78 year-old lawyer who was recently shot by his friend Dick Cheney is apparently doing quite well after suffering a mild heart attack, according to his ER physician and the hospital administrator. Both addressed reporters today to dispel rumors of Whittington's condition given the fact that he remains in intensive care.

"It's fairly common practice to keep someone in intensive care in order to insure their privacy is respected," stated Whittington's attending physician Dr. Evor. "Admittedly, intensive care is a little more costly than regular hospital beds, but this is the extent to which we have to go to guard patients against an intrusive press sometimes. If you think about it, it really illustrates the degree to which the press might be responsible in many ways for the spiraling costs of hospitalization. Not to politicize this press conference in any way, but this is one of the reasons that I, as a physician, would support the president's plans for Health-Care Savings Accounts."

Hospital administrator Kenneth Moleman added, "I would have to second what the good doctor is saying here. Mr. Whittington is in fine shape for a man of 78. Let's just suppose that this accident happened under a situation when his lifetime record of good health was rewarded through his own Health-Care Savings Account. If that were the case Mr. Whittington would be looking at a windfall, perhaps in the millions of dollars, which could be earmarked towards facial reconstruction of virtually any face that he'd like to choose. As it is now, if he were not privately insured, he would be sadly limited to the minimum "patch job" allowable under Medicare. Some may think that scars are, "sexy", but I think, given the choice, most folks would disagree."

Dr. Evor and Mr. Moleman refused to speculate further as to how long Mr. Whittington may remain hospitalized and instead deferred the question to the wishes of the White House and its insistence that Whittington receive the best care possible.

 

02/15/06 Bush Valentine's Day Massacre

Washington, DC (APE) - For the second time in a week, tragedy involving gunplay struck the White House. This time President George W. Bush accidentally shot entertainer Michael Feinstein in an apparent Valentine's Day practical joke gone bad. Feinstein was entertaining for a Western motif Valentine's Day party in the East room of the White House when he was shot by the president with a gun loaded with blanks. The gun was an historic Colt revolver presented to the president as a gift by avid presidential supporter actor Chuck Norris who was also in attendance.

Apparently the president was unaware of the dangers associated with guns loaded with blanks at close range. A similar incident resulted in the death of actor Brandon Lee, son of the late Bruce Lee. Feinstein was immediately rushed to Walter Reed Hospital where hospital a spokesperson stated that he was in serious but stable condition.

The White House described the president as very upset with the turn of events and very prayerful for Feinstein's survival.

The incident occurred in an interaction between the president and Feinstein as the president was acting out classic Hollywood scene in which the gunslinger forces the musician to dance at gunpoint.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan insisted that the skit was a spontaneous attempt at humor from the president and angrily denied that the skit was planned as a way to defuse the impact of Vice President's recent shooting incident. He declared that the Secret Service was handling the investigation in  house, and likely the FBI would not be called in on a clearly accidental tragedy. McClellan again stated that the press was not informed of the incident until the White House could be sure that Feinstein was receiving adequate care. McClellan stated, "While Mr. Feinstein is currently in a coma, brainwave tracings show that he is in good spirits and actually joking about the incident."

 

02/14/05 Cheney Shooting Victim Deteriorates after Heart Attack, Cheney Donates Own Heart

Corpus Christi, TX (Rotters) - In a stunning turn of events today, it was discovered that Vice President Cheney returned yesterday to Corpus Christi, Texas after his friend and shooting victim Harry Whittington suffered a heart attack secondary to complications from the gunshot. Whittington's condition rapidly deteriorated to the point this morning that a risky and groundbreaking procedure was undertaken in which the vice president's heart was removed and transplanted into his friend. A hospital spokesperson declared the procedure a resounding success and stated that both men were awake and alert and joking with the nursing staff.

The national and international press in attendance were noted to be both shocked and enraged over what had transpired apparently in secret. The procedure occurred approximately 24 hours after the press learned that the initial gunshot wound had occurred in secret over 24 hours before. Reporters scrambled to investigate the unfolding story after just being informed of the mild heart attack today, which apparently had happened the day before yesterday.

White House sources stated that they were happy for the success of the procedure and the well-being of the vice president and his friend, but were very outraged and upset over the major leak of information which transpired. The FBI has reportedly been called in to investigate with hospital staff in Corpus Christi being likely suspects.

Heart transplant surgeon Dr. Nick Frost described the outcome as "eerie" and "miraculous". "We had suspicions that the vice president could survive and do just fine without a heart, but the team is frankly amazed at his progress. We had the latest state of the art Jarvic mechanical heart ready to go, but he didn't need it. Within hours of the anesthesia wearing off, Mr. Cheney was anxious to get out of bed and go visit with Mr. Whittington. If not for the concerns for infection we probably could have let him. Mr. Cheney's own personal physician was astounded, and felt there may have even been a dramatic improvement in his overall health with the heart removed."

Dr. Frost continued, "The next 24 hours or so will be crucial to see to what extent Mr. Whittington can accept the heart... oh, wait a minute... I guess that would be the last 24 hours... it's hard to keep track of this security thing."

In a spontaneous press conference at the White House, spokesperson Scott McClellan seemed to almost gloat over the situation, given the pointed questions that he had had to endure over the last two days. For the most part the White House press corps seemed speechless or possibly dumbfounded. Mr. McClellan offered, "I've said it before and I'll say it again. This administration is an administration of action, and you've got to trust us if you want to keep up. We create reality and history while those critical of us are left behind to debate it."
 

 

02/13/06 Loose Lip Dick

 

 

02/12/06 Cheney Accidentally Bags Lawyer Out Of Season

Washington, DC (APE) - Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride admitted to reporters that yesterday, while on a hunting trip with friends, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a lawyer out of season. The group was quail hunting at the time, and the lawyer, Harry Whittington, 78, was an old Cheney friend and member of the hunting party. A Hospital physician stated that Whittington was just slightly stunned by the accident and the injuries were very much superficial.

The accident comes on the heels of the American Bar Association's this week pronouncing that the organization is officially against the White House's illegal domestic wiretapping program. Witnesses say that there may have been some words exchange between Cheney and Whittington earlier in the day over this very topic.

"There is just no way that anyone can construe this other than as an accidental shooting," stated spokeswoman McBride, "but that being said, both the president and vice president have stated openly and repeatedly that they have within their power the right to do anything, in order to preserve the safety and security of our country."

Game wardens on hand immediately checked the vice president's current hunting license and gun registration which seem to be in order. They did however point out that as of yesterday's date and time lawyers are strictly out of season and that in Texas there is no overlap between quail season and lawyer season. Authorities stated that they would further investigate any impropriety.

Whittington was fortunate in that an ambulance is always on hand with a full medical team in support of the vice president's fragile health. As a result he was rapidly cared for and transported to a local hospital. Game wardens, however, pointed out that it is illegal to hunt lawyers, even when in season, with ambulances as decoys.

Spokeswoman McBride stated that the vice president was very relieved that Whittington was okay and at this point would not alter any of his scheduled activities for tonight and tomorrow. The vice president is due in Austin, Texas to meet with the local NRA chapter and receive a lifetime safe hunters award tomorrow morning.
 

 

02/12/06 George Bush to Make an Appearance on Monster Garage

(O! Online) - White House Assistant Chief of Staff Karl Rove today confirmed that President Bush will be making an appearance on the Recovery Channel' s popular series Monster Garage. The issued press statement maintains that President Bush is a big fan, and is looking forward to his appearance with custom motorcycle builder Jesse James. The Recovery Channel stated that the episode in actuality has already been filmed and tightly kept under wraps.

In the episode, set to premiere sometime this spring, President Bush and key Cabinet members set out to convert one of the old White House limousines into an armored vehicle, as support for the war effort in Iraq. The premise of the show is that the "build team" has only one week to complete their task, and do so on a very limited budget. For this particular build effort the group reportedly took advantage of a significant "freebie" of humvee up armor which team member Donald Rumsfeld had found laying around.

While the White House, The Recovery Channel, and Jesse James are remaining very tightlipped about the episode, rumor has it that the team was unable to complete their project in the allotted time. As part of the rules of the continuing show, any project which is not completed in the allotted time must be destroyed. Rumor also has it that the president's "Death Mobile" was spared the traditional car crusher and was taken on a special flight to Iraq where it was destroyed by repeatedly driving it, by remote control, up and down the highway between the Baghdad airport and the United States Green Zone.

A special garage was reportedly created in the White House itself to make room for the build team. An intelligence briefing room was gutted and refurbished as it had long gone unused throughout the Bush presidency. The White House makeover was scheduled to appear as one of Steve Watson's Monster House episodes this fall, before the series was cancelled by The Recovery Channel.

This appears to be the first in a series of television appearances by key individuals in the Bush administration in an attempt to resurrect anemic confidence ratings in polls of the American public. Vice President Dick Cheney is also scheduled to appear in an episode of Myth Busters where special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hynemann will attempt to debunk the administration's justifications leading up to the war in Iraq.

 

 

02/11/06 The Testicles of Big Dick

CLICK HERE FOR 1280 X 1024 WALLPAPER

 

 

02/11/06 Double Oops! - Bush Live Mike Incident Was Staged

Cambridge, MD (Rotters) - The eavesdropping tables that were originally felt to be turned accidentally on President Bush on Friday, have apparently been turned again when it was revealed today that the "accidental" eavesdropping by reporters had actually been staged by the White House. The ploy was exposed when a reporter from a little known Internet news service called Unconfirmed Sources became suspicious of the direction that the president's supposed private conversation with Republican representatives was taking. In light of the factor that the private statements by the president were basically no different from what he's said in public, this particular reporter, out of all the news services present, became immediately suspicious.

Some further digging by the Unconfirmed Sources reporter revealed that indeed the entire "accidental eavesdropping incident" had been orchestrated by White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove in conjunction with recently indicted celebrity private investigator Anthony Pellicano. The private investigator, who has worked for Hollywood stars such as Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, and Sylvester Stallone, was recently released from federal prison after completing a 2 1/2 year year sentence. Pellicano had been scheduled to be rearrested and face trial for racketeering, interception of electronic communications, and other illegal wiretap offenses. Prosecutors also alleged that his company pioneered computer software to aid in acquisition of the illegal wiretap information.

The White House refused comment on the fact that these charges against Pellicano in California now appear to have been dropped, and they refused to comment on the authenticity of a photograph being circulated which apparently shows a covert meeting between Mr. Rove and Mr. Pellicano sometime last month. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan also adamantly refused to admit that the entire incident had been staged, and instead maintained that this was a rare and accidental look behind the scenes of the Bush presidency which illustrates the honesty and integrity of the man.

Polls now show that the president's illegal wiretapping public-relations campaign spearheaded by Rove, and now apparently Pellicano, appears to be incredibly effective. While the American public overwhelmingly disagrees with the effectiveness and direction of the Bush administration leadership domestically, internationally, and economically, 56% of those polled have no real problems with domestic spying.

 

 

02/10/06 War on Terror and Domestic Spying = a Bush Bust

Washington, DC (APE) - The White House today stated that the president would be on the road again promoting his domestic spying and stealth governing programs. The tour will likely be a repeat of his previously successful venues. The president will be taking along a bronze bust for public display which he received yesterday as appreciation for his service in the Texas Air National Guard. The National Guard stated that if the president had actually completed his tour they may have seen fit to commission an entire statue, but the president was reportedly happy with the bust alone.

The president yesterday seemed to take credit for thwarting a terrorist plot in Los Angeles three years ago for the third time in as many years. With polls showing that the president's campaign for domestic spying appears to be gaining some foothold with the public, the administration will be moving into high gear to push through a number of initiatives and coordinate the release of news of newly breaking scandals on its coattails. New scandals set to die over the weekend news lull included Scooter Libby's recent turning on the vice president over the Valerie Plame affair, the news that apparently Jack Abramoff had met with President Bush over a dozen times in many intimate settings, including a trip to the president's ranch and three White House Hanukkah ceremonies, and the news that the Bush administration actually knew of the failure of the levees in New Orleans and subsequent flooding during Hurricane Katrina within hours of its occurrence and chose to do nothing.

With the revelation of the president's upcoming budget, the administration has reluctantly exposed its stealth governing initiative which will work hand in hand with the domestic spying program. The administration proudly included budgetary measures for its dead Social Security privatization plans, while successfully concealing any real allocations for the war in Iraq. In a related coup yesterday, it was revealed that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist had successfully tagged on unprecedented lawsuit protection for the pharmaceutical industry in a homeland security bill.

"I would like to thank MSNBC and AP for their patriotism," stated Scott McClellan, "and the way in which they are implicating Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid in close relationships with Jack Abramoff. Before the question is even asked, I would also like to add that the president views Harry Reid as just a passing acquaintance and has no relationship with him."

"It's been a bit of a bumpy ride to start with," continued McClellan, "but the administration feels that America is slowly getting on board with our smoother, streamlined, K-Street brand of government. In due time, this whole Abramoff thing will settle down, and  America will come to appreciate what we have accomplished in such a short time. The only other alternative is to side with the "angry left". Angry people don't win elections. Honestly, what have they got to be so angry about?"

 

 

02/08/06 Bush Twins Bare all for Vanity Fair

Washington,DC (O! Online) - With a critical midterm election looming, and their father mired in a wiretapping controversy, the Bush twins have again stepped forwards and bared all in an attempt to bail him out.

Under the artful eye of White House special assistant Karl Rove, the twins, Jenna and Barbara will be appearing on the cover of next month's Vanity Fair initial Washington special edition.

The President agreed to be photographed as well, but elected to remain clothed. The President decided to appear after a reluctant Alberto Gonzales backed out.

Rove explained, "We had a wealth of Republican Party leaders who were interested in posing. These are such beautiful people, beautiful women, and who doesn't want to see a bit of them."

Rove went on to explain that this was the kick-off for a new campaign to get the American public more comfortable with domestic wiretapping in the war against terror. The campaign will stress that true Americans should have nothing to hide and be comfortable with a little invasion of privacy.
 

 

02/07/06 Transplanted Republican Majority Leader Boehner Displays Features for the First Time

Washington, DC (APE) - The congressman elected to be the newly transplanted face of the Republican Party upon the position of House Majority Leader was proudly displayed today at a press conference surrounded by spin doctors in charge of his care. Where there once was a gaping hole of controversy caused by the bribery scandal of former majority leader Tom delay, the Republican Party now has a new face.

Rep. John A. Boehner (R-Ohio), 56, spoke with a heavy slur and had trouble moving his lips at his first news conference since the election last week. He said he was looking forward to resuming a normal life after being transplanted into the post.

"Since the day of my election, the Republican Party has a new face just like everyone else in regards to lobbying, bribes, and kickbacks, " Boehner said, reading from a prepared statement.

His spin doctors, who have been criticized for going ahead with a radical position transplant without trying a traditional obstruction first, defended their decision and stated that they repeatedly warned Boehner about the risks of continued association with lobbyists.

Boehner has been condemned for his interactions with K Street lobbyists in the past. Against the judgment of the spin doctors providing care, he appears determined to continue this lifestyle despite the risk to the viability of the facial transplant to the Republican Party. Bonner has stated that in his opinion it is a quality-of-life issue.

Boehner is also on record as a staunch pro-life defender, and is vowing to push through a series of initiatives to guard the rights of the politically undead, such as his predecessor, Tom Delay. Boehner however stated that while he respected the rights of Mr. Delay to continued political life, he would not be willing to reverse his own transplant for him.

The spin doctors are excited about the initial viability of their transplant procedure thus far, and stated openly that they are now looking into possible transplant procedures for White House advisers Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.

 

02/07/06 Gonzalez Defends Domestic Spying

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales yesterday attempted to wrap himself in the last visible shreds of the Constitution that he and the Bush administration have so callously abused over the last five years. In perhaps the most stunning display of head spinning mental jujitsu on film since Linda Blair appeared in The Exorcist, Gonzalez concluded the day's proceedings by saying "there have been many statements today about 'no one is above the law.' And I would simply remind... and I know this doesn't need to be stated... but no one is above the Constitution either, not even the Congress."

Gonzalez, throughout the day, doggedly obfuscated and refused to divulge any new information, repeatedly stating that he "could not comment further on this particular program in question". The follow up question obviously begged in response, such as, "Oh, and what other programs are there in place that you're not telling us about?", apparently was beyond the capacity of his learned interrogators on the Senate Judiciary Committee. The question apparently was not lost upon constituents viewing at home, as Rotters reporters learned that television sales at national chains Best Buy and Circuit City skyrocketed by 40% in one day yesterday, with purchasers admitting to having thrown objects through their old televisions.

In a rare moment of accidental candor during the day, Gonzalez briefly revealed to the committee and to America a glimpse of the technology the administration is utilizing for domestic spying in the war on terror. In the midst of an impressive display of bobbing and weaving for New York Democrat Charles Schumer, Gonzalez suddenly paused, and stated, "hold on... I've got to get this..." and proceeded to remove his shoe, which apparently had a concealed phone. "Mr. Goss said this has line of questioning has gone far enough," Gonzalez stated after briefly listening to the shoe and then replacing it on his foot.

The Washington Post, yesterday published an article based on statements from anonymous NSA sources that largely shows that the "particular program" is largely 99.8% ineffective, calling into question the administration's staunch insistence that it is a necessary tool in the war on terror. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan responded to the article saying, "If this isn't definitive evidence for the needed for domestic spying, then I don't know what is. These leakers at the NSA will be hunted down and brought to justice. And I also say, shame on the Washington Post for planting disinformation and applying their own political spin. What should be obvious to any true American is that thanks to the Bush administration, they are now 0.2% safer from domestic terrorists thanks to our exhaustive work and due diligence. Our cone of silence on these domestic programs simply must remain, or we risk falling into the clutches of chaos."

Senator Specter's hearings are expected to continue today and tomorrow with appearances from other key individuals. It is rumored that former attorney general John Ashcroft may testify, but informed sources stated that he may simply take the historically unprecedented option of simultaneously pleading both the fourth and fifth amendments.

 

 

02/05/06 Photoshoppers Turn Ugly in Hillary Clinton Run for '08 Presidency

New York, NY (Rotters) - Ever since being fingered by George W. Bush as the favored presidential election opponent for the Republican Party in 2008, Senator Clinton has been met with a withering disinformation campaign from the bowels of what some describe as the vast right-wing conspiracy. At issue most recently was a very unflattering and supposedly candid snapshot of the New York senator greeting people upon her arrival for President Bush's State of the Union address to Congress.

The photo has been circulated throughout the United States and indeed the world, and is currently on Yahoo's list of most e-mailed photographs.

Rotters reporters have discovered the original electronic versions of the photograph in question, and the conclusion among renowned experts is that indeed the photograph being circulated throughout the press has been doctored, or "photoshopped". "Photoshopping" is the current term from the world of blogging in which a photo is altered electronically to produce humorous or compromising results for the victim.

"The sad thing," stated photography expert Paul O. Reud, "is that this is not even a very well done job. It's obviously done by a somewhat skilled but rank amateur with no concepts for lighting, shading, or human anatomy. Technology has advanced to the point that some very powerful tools are now placed in the hands of decidedly partisan hacks"

Senator Clinton is not the only politician to have been touched recently by this growing controversy.

Republican Representative Katherine Harris of Florida recently implied that a number of mainstream media outlets were complicit in making photos of her appear that she was wearing much more makeup than she was. The cited newsrooms cried foul, stating that the very minor alterations as to color, lighting and tone are very routinely done to enhance aesthetic equality. They then presented before pictures of Representative Harris demonstrating how her features were improved through minor alterations.

"I think it behooves people, in this day and age to never really trust their own eyes with any type of photographic proof. It's far better to research a person or a topic rather than rely on looks alone," stated Mr. Reud.

 

 

02/04/06 Muslim Cartoon Stirs No Laughs or Riots from Christians

(APE) Al Jazeera struck back today on the heels of worldwide rioting which resulted from the publication of 12 drawings in the Danish press. The drawings, various depictions of Allah  and Mohammed, were subsequently reprinted throughout the European press, resulting in widespread rioting by Muslims who found them offensive. Today, in answer, Al Jazeera published its own rendition of Christ from a contest conducted throughout the Middle East this last week. The winning drawing depicted George Bush as Christ gently coddling a nuclear weapon with a mushroom cloud in the background.

The contest itself was controversial as fundamental Islamists prohibit the depiction of any religious figure be it Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, or any other faith.

A spokesman for Al Jazeera denied that this was a direct attempt to incite rioting and violence in America as had been experienced earlier this week in the Middle East. He stated that the news agency was frankly surprised at what was instead an overwhelming number of requests for reprints, sales, and marketing deals.

"Our polls are showing an almost 60% positive response to the artwork overall, and when the responses are broken down over the various denominations of Christianity, there is almost a 98% positive response from fundamental and evangelical Christians," he stated. "In fact, the only hate mail, if you will, came from a Reverend Phelps, a pastor of a small church in Idaho."

"Allah does indeed work in mysterious ways," the spokesperson stated with a smile. "If our revenue projections are accurate, we will be able to outfit over a dozen new state-of-the-art camera crews, and upgrade the armor on all personnel and vehicles that we currently have in Iraq to a level equal or better than that of the average American occupation force."

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that the Bush administration was also puzzled over the absence of a backlash in America. He wrote it off as a cultural difference between the average American, and the average citizen in the middle east. "Here in America we are much more comfortable with icons and idolatry and that the fine gray line that separates the two."

 

 

02/04/06 The Edge to Split from U2?

New Orleans, LA (USA Tomorrow) - David Evans a.k.a. The Edge of the famous rock group U2, has begun following in the footsteps of the group's controversial front man and lead singer Bono by branching out on his own for various relief efforts. The Edge recently made news by spearheading an effort in New Orleans to help fellow musicians who have been displaced by the flooding from hurricane Katrina. Bono just recently made yet another high-profile appearance at the White House to plead with President Bush for increasing America's donations to world hunger relief. This cozying up to President Bush has reportedly led to some heated divisions in the band.

"Bono is kind of a one-off character in music. His skills as a communicator are amazing, and his powers of persuasion are equally amazing," Evans said, smiling. "I would never think of trying to take advantage of that, but I'm concerned that that is exactly what's happened. I mean, he's appeared with the president now what, three or four times, and for what? Have the hungry got any more money? No. But at the same time, George Bush looks cool hanging out with Bono."

The Edge refused to comment further about rumors of a possible split up of the group which were leaked by confidential White House sources. The anonymous sources stated that negotiations were underway to have the president team up with Bono and the rest of the band, if they were willing, to add their talents in promoting the president's faltering domestic and international agendas. Plans are for the band to be renamed W-2, in an effort to resurrect the president's mothballed tax reform initiatives. Work will also begin on a debut album entitled How to Accuse Your Enemy of Assembling an Atomic Bomb.

"Being in the country for the whole year, I almost feel like I'm sick to death of the US now, and the last band that I would want to see enable it is U2. If it comes down to it I think we should just do what the Beatles did, and just pack it in."

Bassist Adam Clayton and drummer Larry Mullen, Jr. could not be reached for comment for this story but have apparently sided with The Edge.

 

 

02/03/06 From "Battle Hardening" to "Battling Hardons"

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld went on the defensive today responding to charges that the Department of Defense and the Bush administration sought to ignore and hide evidence of female soldiers' deaths in Iraq that were the direct result of fear of rape by their own fellow male soldiers. "Sexual assault will not be tolerated in the Department of Defense," Rumsfeld declared in February of 2004.

"I stand by our enforcement of this policy today," stated Rumsfeld, "and I challenge anyone to show me any evidence whatsoever of anyone in the Department of Defense either man or woman who has been sexually assaulted since 2004. We have made our penal codes much stiffer."

"Do the armed services still have problems? You bet. Has the message gotten down to the men and women in uniform? Apparently not. But there is a delicate balance at work here. It would just be sheer folly to send our troops into action in Iraq against an enemy who didn't really believe that they were capable of rape and torture. So, you see, it's a psychological thing, and I addressed that yesterday. It's a situation where there is "blowback" or "collateral damage" when propaganda or disinformation gets back to the home front."

"Rest assured that we will be working diligently to see that our men and women in uniform unashamedly take this problem in hand. In an effort to be completely thorough, the Department of Defense has earmarked roughly $500,000 out of the president's $120 billion request for extra funding in the war on Iraq to address this issue, and discussions are underway with Halliburton subsidiary KBR to explore the best possible route for dispersion of salt peter in daily rations."

 

 

02/02/06 Bush Sedated After Grand Ole Opry Appearance

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Anonymous White House sources last night claimed that the president became "unhinged" aboard Air Force One during his return from an appearance at the Grand Ole Opry House in Nashville, Tennessee. The incident occurred at about 20,000 feet with the president requiring sedation from White House physicians for his own safety and that of the crew.

The president was variously described as "drenched in sweat", and "wild-eyed" by sources. He leapt out of his seat and began running towards the cockpit and was pulled away from banging his fists on the cockpit door. Sources stated that he kept screaming over and over, "There are Muslims on the wings, there are Muslims on wings! They're tearing up the engines! Can't you see them!? We're all going to die!"

Physicians this morning speculated that it was likely a case of mild exhaustion combined with a possible malfunction in the cabin pressurization system of Air Force One. Recommendations were for the president to have an extended bike ride this morning after the effects of the anti-psychotics had worn off, and sources close to the president stated that he did not remember any of the events from the previous night.

Plans were to continue as scheduled for the president's extended post State of Union tour in search of some sort of bounce in his ratings.

 

 

02/01/06 Bush Announces Ambitious 12 Step Program to Fight Oil Addiction

Washington, DC (APE) - Fresh off of his State of the Union Address last night in which he addressed his concerns over an "addiction" to oil, President Bush announced proposals for a national 12 Step program to deal with the problem. The White House stated that they would be working closely in conjunction with the newly installed Kuwaiti Emir, Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah to press forward with their international initiatives. Plans also include breaking ground on a new, state of the art clinic to treat the severely oil addicted. It will be erected in economically depressed Detroit, Michigan, and called the "Henry Ford Clinic", after automotive pioneer Henry Ford.

A press packet about the program included a breakdown of the proposed initiatives, or steps:

 

The 12 Suggested Steps of Petroholics Anonymous

  1. We admit we are powerless without Petroleum--that our lives have become unmanageable.

     

  2. Come to believe that  greater Power sources could restore us to sanity.

     

  3. Make a decision to sign over our wills and our lives to the care of The President as we understand Him.

     

  4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of the rest of the world.

     

  5. Point out to the President, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of the wrongs of the world.

     

  6. Are entirely ready to elevate the President above all these defects of character.

     

  7. Humbly ask the President to remove our shortcomings.

     

  8. Made a list of all countries we will harm, and become willing to exact retribution from them all.

     

  9. Made covert assaults upon such people wherever possible, especially when to do so could be blamed on others.

     

  10. Continue to take others' personal inventories and promptly deny that it's wrong to do it.

     

  11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the President, as we understand Him, praying only for his knowledge of oil wells for us and the power to pump them dry.

     

  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to Petroholics, and to practice these principles through affairs.

 

 

01/31/06 Bush's Brief State of the Union Address Stuns Congress

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush strode to the podium tonight to uproarious and partisan applause from those in attendance. He was casually dressed without the formal necktie usually expected for the occasion. The president appeared relaxed and calm and to the shock of senators and dignitaries present he casually lit a cigar before proceeding.

Mr. Bush congratulated the Senate upon "doing the right thing" with its rapid confirmation vote and swearing in of Justice Samuel Alito this morning. He praised the body for what he described as a strong move for the future well-being and security of the United States.

"This has been a tough few weeks for our administration," he stated, "but with the appointment of this fine man, I think we can all breathe a little easier."

"Tonight, America has a number of things to be proud of," he continued, "our economy is booming, the damage and destruction to our Gulf Coast from hurricane Katrina has been set right, Iran and Palestine are on the ropes, and we are poised for a great victory in the Middle East. While many may disagree over our need to invade Iraq and overthrow Saddam, we can be proud that his dictatorship is gone . The evil killers who attacked us on 9/11 are on the run, but make no mistake they will seek to harm us at any time and we must remain vigilant."

The president then paused and began to speak on issues of security and surveillance of American citizens. "As you know, over the last month, our administration has fanned out and brought the message to the people about my constitutional responsibility to protect and defend America in times of war, and the constitutionally acceptable means of domestic surveillance that we have undertaken to do just that. It is with a heavy heart that I must tonight present to you, the citizens of America, the fruits of our hard work."

At this point in the president's speech armed Marines appeared and sealed all exits to the floor of the Congress.

"There is a growing cancer in our government which has been detected by our efforts, and this enemy must be eradicated." The president then produced a list of 35 senators, all Democrats and read their names aloud followed by various charges of treason, sedition, and providing aid and comfort to the enemy. Each senator, as their name was read, was escorted from the room by armed Marines, to the growing applause of the remaining senators present.

The president concluded, "God willing, this will be the dawning of a new day in America with full and complete trust returned to the executive branch."

(This news article has been screened and approved by the White House)

 

 

01/29/06 Pfizer's Exubera Inhalable Insulin Opening New Doors for the Pharmaceutical Industry

New York, NY (APE) - One day after Pfizer's announcement of a breakthrough inhalable insulin product called Exubera, rival pharmaceutical company Fizzer announced their much broader marketing scheme for their competitive inhalation package called Inebra. They will be partnering with the brewing and distillery industries to market a portable version of AWOL or "alcohol without liquid".

AWOL is the controversial alcohol inhalation method which began in Europe, migrated to the United States and has over 20 state and local governments ready to ban it before it has even had a chance at establishing itself. Proponents state that the method provides the euphoria from alcohol on a very short-term basis with virtually zero caloric intake and none of the adverse effects of alcohol such as poisoning or hangovers. The alcohol is provided in a metered dose effect which is self-regulating in that it takes upwards of one half hour to consume the equivalent of one ounce, or, a shot of liquor. The user is also able to enjoy the "taste" and "aroma" of their favorite beverage at the same time.

A Fizzer spokesperson stated that the company was excited about the possibilities for branching into new markets and partnering with well-established and popular brands. Initial products will be limited to two popular cocktails, Jack Daniels and cola and Bacardi and cola. Talks are in the works with Absolut for an inhalable martini, and with Beefeater for an inhalable sloe gin fizz. Budweiser, Coors, and Miller breweries have also expressed interest in collaboration in the near future.

Critics complained that while decreased alcohol consumption and therefore fewer calories might lead to some marginal health benefits in regards to obesity in the far distant future, Fizzer's product was just as dangerous in regards to intoxication and drunken-driving as the real thing. Fizzer maintains that their product has been exhaustively tested, and that this is simply not the case in laboratory settings. They, in fact, cited a number of anecdotal cases from lab workers who felt their day-to-day work was improved significantly by Inebra.

Pharmaceutical industry observers overall have been astounded by the rapidity in which Fizzer was able to acquire FDA approval and bring their product to market. Rumors have it that Fizzer was able to fast-track approval by the FDA through intervention from sympathetic Bush administration officials. Fizzer is on record as a firm Bush supporter with donations of over $300,000 to his last reelection campaign. Anonymous sources state that the president himself has taken a real interest in Inebra and is an enthusiastic supporter.

 

 

01/28/06 A New Movie from Rick Santorum

 

01/27/06 Bush/Abramoff Photos Go up for Sale on EBay

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Jack Abramoff today suspended negotiations with Time Inc. for the rights to publish five pictures of him with President Bush. Lawyers for Abramoff accused Time incorporated of not negotiating in good faith and in effect devaluing the potential worth of the pictures by dragging out negotiations. "We were consistently low-balled," stated one source on condition of anonymity.

Abramoff, who agreed to be quoted with a lawyer present said, "I think I can get much more for them in more of a free auction type setting." He displayed to reporters present one of the framed photos which showed him consulting with President Bush just after the bribery scandal began to break last year. "The president has stated that he never really knew me very well, and I suppose he has to do that. It will be for the American public to judge for themselves."

Abramoff continued, "This whole thing really was the result of poor timing upon my part. In retrospect it would've been much better to try to sell the photos before the plea agreement. It's like they say, hindsight is 20/20. I've just never had a real flair for this kind of thing, and I suppose that's contributed to the predicament that I find myself in now."



Opening bids for the photo that Abramoff had for display will be reportedly starting at $500,000. Advisers to Mr. Abramoff maintained that if minimum bids are not met, the photos will be withdrawn. They stated that, in the spirit of eBay, barter will be considered, particularly for international land or real estate in countries having no formal treaties or ties with the United States.

 

 

01/26/06 American - Israeli Relations Tested by Hamas Victory

President George Bush lighting the menorah at the White House with an unidentified guest in December

Washington, DC (APE) - Experts say that the stunning Hamas victory in Palestinian elections yesterday may have dealt a death blow to Bush administration peace efforts in the Middle East. The Bush administration, a longtime supporter of Israel has vowed that there will be no further communications with a Hamas lead government unless they formally condemn the use of suicide bombers and terrorist tactics and agree to a disarm.

Ironically, most experts have agreed that the stunning Hamas victory comes as a result of a premature and poorly thought out rush to Palestinian elections rammed through by the Bush administration in an effort to zealously promote their "democratic reform" of the Middle East. Hamas benefited from the abbreviated run up to the elections as well as long-standing claims of corruption leveled against the ruling Fatah party.

Brushing aside pleas for investigation into election fraud by the Bush administration, former President Jimmy Carter, serving as an election monitor, verified the results and cited them as being much cleaner than the previous two presidential elections in America.

The Bush administration itself is now addressing charges of corruption and illegal behavior in connection with Israeli and Jewish influence. The recent conviction of Larry Franklin, a former Pentagon analyst, with funneling classified information to the American Israel public affairs Association or AIPAC, and the guilty plea and agreement to cooperate with prosecutors by Jack Abramoff in regards to bribery are but two examples. The administration maintains that the funneling of information was never sanctioned, and that President Bush has never had anything other than a passing acquaintance type of relationship with Mr. Abramoff.

Time magazine was recently in the news with claims that they had in their possession five photographs which show a closer relationship between Abramoff and Bush. They have refused to publish the photos thus far at the request of the owners.

 

 

01/25/06 Bush Speech at NSA Met with Protest

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The president's campaign to avoid prosecution and frame illegal wiretapping of Americans as a necessary tool against terrorism met with an unexpected backlash at a venue that staffers assumed would be safe. President Bush spoke today at an on-site after-school care center for employees of the NSA and was met with fierce questioning and protests from the children there.

By all accounts, the speech had begun well, with the president attempting to frame his points at the level of the children present. Minutes into the speech however, half of the classroom stood up and turned their backs on the president, some holding protest signs which they had apparently made for the event. The president attempted to press on with the speech, ignoring the disruption as the Secret Service personnel appeared undecided as to what to do. The protesters largely remained silent. There were reports that an initial attempt by the Secret Service was made to drag one child from the room. This was apparently abandoned after a few severe kicks to the shin from the child in question who was then allowed to remain.

Attempting to salvage the situation, the president pressed on with an attempt at a humorous aside in regards to mandatory corporal punishment in the classroom which fell upon deaf ears.

The children quietly displayed their posters which apparently some had spent quite a bit of time on. They displayed a variety of slogans and artwork, including, "Liar, Liar Pants on Fire!", "Bush Is a Poopy Head", "You Are Not My Father!", and "I Don't Take Candy from Strangers".

Anonymous staffers admitted that they had attempted to end the presentation early, but were sternly waved off by the president, who felt that he could salvage the appearance. The president went on to explain to the children, among other things, about how sometimes lying can be OK if it keeps your mommy and daddy from being killed.

Bush concluded the event by attempting to field questions from the children. One little girl tearfully asked, "Is my daddy going away to jail... he says that you ought to go to jail instead because he was just doing what you told him to." Bush stated that she should be proud of her father and support him for the sacrifice that he is making for our country.

One of the child protesters, Michelle Moore, 12, of Arlington, Virginia stated, "This is just like with my dad. I've always wanted a pony for Christmas ever since I was like six... and he would tell me every year, "OK, if you're real good." It didn't take me long to figure out that I was never going to get a pony. I want to be a lawyer when I grow up."

Scott McClellan was in attendance for the appearance, but notably absent was Karl Rove. When asked for his opinions upon how the presentation went, McClellan offered only, "no comment".

 

 

01/23/06 Bush Reveals Abramoff Photo

Washington, DC (APE) - In a stunning development today, President Bush revealed to reporters assembled at the Rose Garden what he claims to be his only picture of Jack Abramoff. He stated that the displayed, framed picture was one of any number of pictures of friends and family that he keeps for inspiration behind his desk in the Oval Office. He again maintained no real knowledge of Abramoff but stated that the picture was more important to him for the other person, Karl Rove, who is depicted in it.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that staff were frankly surprised with the president's candid revelation today. He related that staff had made a real effort over the past week of investigating and classifying any such photographs around the White House, in the files of White House photographers, and those of independent news media. He stated that this one just got through somehow.

McClellan lauded the president's attempt at honesty with the American public. "This just further proves our point," he stated. "To maintain that there is any direct connection between Jack Abramoff and the president is just ludicrous, and the worst form of political posturing."

When asked to comment about the impending revelation from Time magazine of five photos apparently showing that Bush had met Abramoff on a number of occasions, McClellan notably bristled. "The FBI and the NSA are currently investigating this claim, and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has sternly cautioned Time Inc. against publishing material which may have dire repercussions for the security of America. Funding for and conspiracies from America's enemies run deep."

President Bush explained the lateness of the revelation as a purely innocent mistake. "This picture used to be right in front with one that I have of Lar and the girls. As I recall, a couple of months ago, Barney had a little accident on it, and I dried it off as best I could. Then I put it back behind a bunch of others over top of a heating vent thinking that might dry it out a little better. I guess I just forgot about it then."

 

 

01/21/06 Bush, Rove Renew Vows

Washington, DC (K Street Journal) - In a very simple ceremony this week, attended by friends, families, and party officials, George Bush and Karl Rove renewed their vows to each other. The ceremony was a formal, black tuxedo affair that took place in the bowels of the underground White House bunker complex with the press excluded from attendance.

Officiating the ceremony was President Bush's pastor of record Rev. Luis Leon of St. John's Episcopal Church in Washington, DC. Scripture was read by the Reverend and then Bush and Rove exchanged personally written vows.

The couple had been in the news of late with the controversial accusations over whether or not Rove was involved with Scooter Libby in an affair with Valerie Plame. Rove vehemently denied any involvement to the president while Scooter Libby has been charged for his actions. When rumors surfaced, the president stated initially that anyone caught in the affair would be broken off with. Since that time, Bush has been noted to soften publicly in regards to his longtime companion and soulmate.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that the two felt that this would be a valuable public affirmation in light of the ongoing controversy over domestic spying and wiretapping and the American public's concerns over rights to privacy. "This is a perfect example to all Americans of the degree to which privacy concerns and security can co-exist", he said.

Notably absent from the ceremony were Condoleezza Rice, and first lady Laura Bush, both of whom were in Liberia attending the inauguration of that country's first woman president.

In the vows, both pledged, among other things, their undying loyalty and commitment to each other.

The Reverend Pat Robertson, in attendance, stated, "It is touching to see two men so committed to each other as well as true conservative Christian ideals. I just wish that some of these misguided same-sex marriage advocates could have been here to see this."

Republican Senator Rick Santorum, also in attendance, became noticeably emotional and somewhat teary-eyed. Speaking in relation to Mr. Rove he stated, "You've got to admire him. That is one lucky guy to be so close to such a great man as the president. They really were made for each other."

The ceremony also served as a kickoff fundraiser for a Republican legal defense fund in anticipation of party leaders' legal fees in connection with the unfolding Jack Abramoff scandal. While coffers have swelled with the return of millions in Abramoff's bribes, Republican party chairman Ken Mehlman stated he was fearful that funds would fall far short if the American public's awareness and outrage were to grow anymore. Mehlman expressed his congratulations to the pair and thanked Mr. Rove for his ongoing efforts to suppress this awareness.

Attendees danced late into the night at the reception afterwards, and dined on $100,000 a plate tripe.

 

 

01/20/06 Bin Laden Offers Unconditional Surrender on Second Tape, Rejected by Cheney

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden offered the US unconditional surrender on an astonishing second audiotape released today. The White House immediately declared: "We do not accept the surrender of terrorists. That's just bad business."

The surrender offer was made on an audiotape broadcast by the Al Jazeera satellite television network, and the CIA was scrambling to authenticate it. Homeland security was immediately raised to a level of red, meaning a danger of imminent attack.

Vice President Dick Cheney rejected his own assessment yesterday that the terrorist network had been driven "underground" because they were supplying audio only messages. He stated that Al Qaeda was obviously playing with the United States and fully capable of immaculate Hollywood style productions in Technicolor and surround sound.

Cheney, in an exclusive follow-up with Fox News Channel stated, "We are an organization that will never sign a truce. I think that would destroy us. We can never deal with them."

Anonymous CIA sources stated that yesterday's anonymous CIA source who tentatively vouched for the authenticity of yesterday's bin Laden tape had been identified, taken into custody, and was to be turned over to the Justice Department. They stated, again under condition of anonymity, that the CIA was now making great progress in identifying and policing leaks.

Cheney was asked by Fox news if killing bin Laden would lessen the threat from Al Qaeda, and he replied, "Probably not, we have no problems with identifying another centralized leader in their network." Cheney also cautioned, "9/11 is weakened and fractured, but it is still a lethal tool because no one can guarantee that we won't be hit again. Plus, it's also good to have a little bit of old-fashioned luck on your side."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan stated, "We will end this war. And the president made it clear that we will end it in time in a country of our creation."

Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean also spoke with Fox news, stating, "You don't negotiate with the Bush administration. These people have killed almost 2300 Americans, there is no truce with them and there never can be. They will always insist that you trust them."

 

01/19/06 Globe Award Winner Ang Lee Announces Next Film Project

Taipei, Taiwan (O! Online) -Taiwanese film director Ang Lee, with his new Golden Globe award in hand, announced plans for his next movie to a receptive audience in his home country. The film which will be entitled "Kickback Hill" will attempt to build on the successful cowboy themes established in his recent Oscar hopeful and critically acclaimed "Broke Back Mountain".

In addition, Lee hopes to break new ground with the film in exploring the Republican "Culture of Corruption" prevalent in American government on Capitol Hill.

The story will explore the 10-year relationship between two politicians, both posing as cowboys for political gains, and the intrigue that is generated as one attempts to distance himself and avoided being outed by the other over a bribery scandal.

Lee stated that he enjoys a challenge and is readying himself for the anticipated stonewalling and resistance as he begins filming in Washington, DC. "My other film proved that you can never categorize a region or place or stereotype them," Lee said, "and with this new film I shall seek to disapprove this."

 

 

01/19/06 Delay Fakes Death to Avoid Prosecution

Sugarland, TX (APE) - Police arrested and later released disgraced Texas representative Tom Delay yesterday, accusing him of trying to fake his own death to avoid prosecution.

Thomas Dale Delay, 58, had a relative call the local court yesterday and report that he had died earlier in a fight in Washington, DC, authorities said. The call came less than a month after he attempted to escape from charges of bribery and money laundering brought by prosecutor Ronnie Earle.

He was captured Wednesday morning and jailed, and now owes taxpayers more than $300,000 in court costs, authorities said.

"Tom Delay is the ultimate deadbeat Republican politician, faking his own death in order to avoid prosecution," a sheriff's department spokesperson said.

Delay, an exterminator, has been living in Washington, DC and impersonating an ethical elected official for about 10 years, investigators said.

Authorities are working to identify the caller who told the court that Delay was dead. Lawyers for Mr. Delay were incensed by the recent turn of events and insist, again, that Mr. Delay is completely innocent. They stated that the phone conversation was a huge misunderstanding and overreaction on the part of the local police force in which the caller had merely made a casual references that Mr. Delay was "politically dead". Delay was later released on his own recalcitrance.

 

 

01/17/06 Bush Makes Constitution Disappear

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush today, in a rare visit to the national archives apparently has accidentally made the U.S. Constitution disappear. National Archive authorities have been working overtime in a fruitless attempt to resurrect the missing document.

Bush, an acknowledged Harry Potter fan, was playing around at a closed-door visit to the archives with a wand that he received as a Christmas gift. He stepped up to the high-security enclosure housing the original document, tapped the case with his wand and spoke the words, "mischief managed." Witnesses stated that the writing on the document appeared to dissolve away leaving behind a blank piece of parchment paper. Secret Servicemen then wrestled the wand from the president's hand as he was turning towards the Declaration of Independence.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "While tragic, the loss of the original document is just sentimental at best. As we speak, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has his staff hard at work rewriting and updating the original Constitution to a more modern form which will better serve our needs. This really is more of a lemonade out of lemons situation."

National Archive sources stated that they at first attempted to contact author JK Rowling for assistance but were immediately overruled by the Bush administration, citing national security concerns and budgetary constraints.

 

01/17/06 CIA Still Concerned over Al-Zawahiri

Washington, DC (APE) -The CIA today still refused to issue an apology for the presumed predator strike which took the lives of 17 innocent villagers in a remote border town in Pakistan. While the CIA refused to apologize, it has been widely reported that the agency was after the Al Qaeda number two leader Ayman al-Zawahari. The agency even went so far as to re-release one of the last known pictures of Al-Zawahiri.

A spokesperson for the agency stated that it does appear that Al-Zawahiri may not have been at the location that they haven't accepted responsibility for obliterating. He stated that it now appears that Al-Zawahiri may have moved, and furthermore, may have altered his appearance.

He urged Americans to familiarize themselves with the picture of Al-Zawahiri and imagine him in various guises. He further stated that Americans should consider the possibility that Al Qaeda may very well be here amongst us silently spreading its brand of radicalism, hatred, intolerance, terrorism, death and destruction.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, "This is a perfect example of how those who would question the president's motives at a time of war can do much more harm than good. Leaking the story that the CIA might have been responsible for the tragic deaths of innocent civilians in Pakistan has resulted in nationwide demonstrations and needless unrest in one of our allies against the enemy. America can rest assured, however, that our brand of democracy will be preserved at all costs here at home."

 

01/12/06 New "Thug" Nickle Issued

Washington, DC (APE) - In a break with tradition, the new nickel has an image of a seated president Bush displayed, facing forwards. The Mint plans to begin shipping 80 million of the new five cent coins, lovingly referred to as "thug" nickels, beginning today.

The word "Liburty" is displayed in Bush's hand writing as well as the phrase, "I'm God We Trust". On the opposite side, the Nickel still features Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's Virginia home, which Bush has recently purchased and will be renamed Crawford.

The new nickel with a smiling Bush is the perfect way to complete the illegal Republican takeover of power, said acting US mint Director David Lebryk, a controversial recess appointment by President Bush.

"This nickel features a forward looking President Bush who recognized that the war with Iraq and his global oil expeditions would devalue the dollar to that of the nickel in numerous ways," Lebryk said. "This is a nihilistic, reality based image, emblematic of the future for our nation."

 

01/12/06 Whining The War on Terror

Louisville, KY (Rotters) - President Bush yesterday addressed another group of hand-picked, question fed, sycophant Republican supporters at the International Convention Center in Louisville, Kentucky on the merits of open and honest debate over the war in Iraq. The theme, "Whining The War on Terror", was displayed on huge banners throughout the convention center.

The president responded animatedly to staged questions from the audience in a manner reminiscent of his earlier "Palooza"- type tours for reelection, and the now dead Social Security reform. Adhering to the stated theme, Bush whined for well over an hour on various topics including aiding and comforting the enemy and the presidential right to illegal wiretapping.

Bush took the opportunity to remind supporters of new provisions in the revised Patriot Act which is coming up for renewal in Congress during this session. These provisions would provide sweeping powers for arrest and detention of anyone whom the president or the federal government deems as a "disruptor" at virtually any public venue.

Bush encouraged the enthusiastic crowd to do their patriotic duty and report anyone suspected of disrupting. "It seems to me if somebody is providing aid and comfort to the enemy, we want to know why," Bush said. "I have the right as a commander in chief at a time of war to take action necessary to protect the American people... this is also every citizen's responsibility. Just don't tell the enemy what you're doing."

Bush concluded by saying, "This is the final phase of the war on terror when we make an all-out effort to bring it home to the enemy. To them I say, I got your open debate right here, bring it on."

 

 

01/11/06 Capitol Hill Police: Alito Testifying Illegally

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Judge Samuel Alito was testifying illegally yesterday which resulted in a collision with a police baton, a Capitol Hill police spokesperson said yesterday.

The police spokesperson said Alito did not have the proper endorsement on his security clearance to discuss certain matters in reference to the president. The spokesperson stated that the judge was not locked up last night, after the ensuing scuffle, as he had to be transported to a hospital. The altercation left Alito with a cut on his upper lip that required 15 stitches.

The officers referred their findings to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who will determine whether the judge should be cited for an infraction. Revealing state secrets without proper authorization can result, in some cases, in extreme rendition. A spokesperson for the Attorney General's office refused comment, citing an ongoing investigation.

Late last night, Alito acknowledged that he never bothered to obtain a security clearance because he "never thought about it."

"I just never really applied for it," he told reporters at a press conference. "It was kind of like that situation with Vanguard when I didn't recuse myself, it was just one of those things that I never really did."

A spokesperson for Judge Alito initially stated that they felt the judge's basic security clearance would suffice, with a sidebar attached. The judge's son, Philip, who was standing alongside on a sidebar, was unhurt after yesterday's clash.

A spokesperson for the United States Secret Service said their agency reached the same conclusion as Capitol Hill police after checking the most recent descriptors of executive power issued by the Bush administration.

"We're not criticizing Capitol Hill Police," said the Secret Service spokesperson, "as we haven't seen their full report... but even past rulings from Judge Alito himself would suggest that their use of force was justified."

After the Capitol Hill Police announcement, spokespersons for Judge Alito stated that he would be moving forward to obtain the proper security clearance.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan declined to discuss if the White House had checked whether the judge had proper security clearance. He stated that he would not disclose such information as it might be considered as providing aid and comfort to the enemy.

 

 

01/09/06 BREAKING: Cheney Hospitalized With S.O.B.

Washington, DC (APE) - Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized early this morning with a protected episode of S.O.B. Doctors related that they felt it was secondary to the vice president's refusal to comply with certain medications.

Preliminary examinations revealed that Cheney had an unchanged EKG and that he was retaining a little bit of fluid, but was otherwise uncompromised in his cardiac status. Doctors related that the fluid may have accounted for a little bit of shortness of breath and would be easily managed by a small dose of diuretic. They also stated that this may have contributed slightly to the exacerbation of this chronic diagnosis of "son of a bitch" syndrome, or S.O.B.

A spokesperson for the hospital stated, "This is one of the worst cases of S.O.B. that our doctors have ever seen. The Vice President's case seems to be chronic and unremitting. With the proper use of medication, most patients can go on to lead productive and fulfilling lives and families and coworkers can be spared much misery. However, when patients deviate from the recommendations of their doctors, the results can be disastrous as in the Vice President's case."

Physicians also stated that the Vice President had been complaining of leg pain, which may have also contributed to the S.O.B.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that the Vice President's leg was examined earlier yesterday by none other than the President himself. President Bush noted to the Vice President that the leg appeared to be quite stiff and in need of attention.

It was later learned that Cheney had been involved in an ongoing study of the effects of Viagra on S.O.B. undertaken by the George Washington University Hospital. It is unclear whether this was related to his exacerbation, and Pfizer officials were not available for comment.

 

01/07/06 BAND OF BRIBERS

 

From this day to the ending of America,

But we in it shall be remember'd;

We few, we greedy few, we band of bribers;

For he today that shares his bling with me

Shall be my briber; be he e'er so vile.

 

 

01/06/06 New Court Date for Paris

Los Angeles, CA (O! Online) - Paris Hilton has apparently taken off the gloves in her legal disputes with diamond heiress Zeta Graph. Today in Los Angeles, her defense team has filed suit against Washington political mover and shaker, and "Bush's Brain" Karl Rove and his fledgling Hollywood consulting firm.

Hilton is now publicly recanting admissions that she made in court documents as to planting stories in the New York Post in regards to Graph. Hilton's former publicist Rob Shuter has admitted under oath to planting the false stories on behalf of Hilton. He has stated that he listened carefully, took notes, and then made a call to the Post. He now admits that he cannot be certain if the anonymous source at the other end of the line may not have been Mr. Rove or possibly one of the staff in his employ.

Shuter admitted that the connection was not good and that he may have gotten some of the quotations wrong. One such quote which he alleges may now have come from Karl Rove and originally reported in the New York Post was: "It's one thing to lose your boyfriend to Paris Hilton - it's another to find her wearing your family jewels." Shuter now acknowledges that the "anonymous source" might have actually said: "It's one thing to lose your boyfriend to Paris Hilton - it's another to find her doing his family jewels."

Graff took legal action last summer after a story appeared in the New York Post accusing her of attacking Hilton in a London nightclub.

While Mr. Rove could not be reached for comment, staffers admitted that his consulting firm was now branching out into Hollywood clientele in an effort to transition business in anticipation of Patrick Fitzgerald's ongoing investigation of the Valerie Plame leak.

Hilton stated, "I am the victim here. I have been victimized by bad advice. Everything that I have done I have done on the recommendations of Karl. I mean, honestly, do I look smart enough to have come up with all of this on my own?"

"Hilton will learn a valuable lesson about what happens when you try to have another person's reputation ruined by Karl Rove," Graff told reporters.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that Mr. Rove had assured the president that he was in no way involved with the defamation of Graff, and was continuing to devote his talents and energies full-time to Mr. Bush. McClellan refused to deviate further from his prepared statement, stating once again that it was administration policy not to comment on any of thousands of ongoing investigations.

 

 

01/04/06 Bush Gives Back $100,000 From Abramoff, Others Follow Suit

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush today ordered that $100,000 contributed to his reelection campaign by Jack Abramoff be given back. Hundreds of other Republicans in the House of Representatives and the Senate have followed suit, in what appears to be an "innocence by dissociation" trend.

Refunds are pouring into the Abramoff defense fund today, and conservative estimates are that it will top the $5 million dollar level before day's end. Assisted by bookkeepers from the Offices of Republican Representative and former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, every effort is being made to keep the defense fund as up front as possible.

White House spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, "This is just another fine example of American democracy at work. Here you have monies which have served their purpose in the streamlining of the legislative process being funneled back into the system to be put to best use."

Duffy went on to elaborate on the White House's position, stating that no crime had been committed by anyone through the acceptance of Abramoff's funds. He stated that this was again an example of the way in which legal constraints were hampering the administration and the Republican Party's ability to govern. He reiterated that in a time of War it was proper for the executive branch or its delegates to circumvent such laws.

Duffy insisted that that the country was far better off for the legislation and considerations that the funds had bought in both houses and other unnamed religious concerns. "Attempting to undo and reverse laws on the part of the Democrats is the worst form of political partisanship and legislative activism, and it will simply not be tolerated by this administration."
 

 

01/03/06 Bush Rushes to Aid of 13 Trapped Coal Miners

Tallmansville, WV (APE) - "We believe in miracles in West Virginia," said governor Joe Manchin, "I haven't given up hope. I have to say though, that it's pretty amazing that the President has shown up so quickly here." President Bush yesterday made a surprise appearance via Marine one to Tallmansville, West Virginia at the scene of an apparent coal mine collapse which has trapped 13 miners underground.

Spokesmen for the governor said that all help was welcome, and they were happy with the gift of high-tech listening devices from the Bush administration. They further stated that the rapidity of the administration's response was almost psychic, with the president appearing even before e-mails critical of the Federal disaster response had a chance to be read by their state and local government recipients.

White House spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, "We calculated that this rescue effort had a high probability for success, and we felt it was a good opportunity for the public to have a demonstration of the effectiveness of the President's secret domestic monitoring program, and its ability to aid in disaster relief. We're doing a heck of a job."

The mine itself had notably experienced an almost fourfold increase in safety violations over the past year, and some were quick to point out the ineffectiveness of federal agencies in enforcing the resulting penalties.

Bush later attempted to meet with hand-picked family members of the trapped miners at a local church, but none could be found in the largely Democratic and rural community.

An anonymous spokesman for the governor stated that the impoverished state of West Virginia would now be wrestling with paying for the bill for security for the president's three-hour visit.