Miami, FL (APE) - In a stunning announcement this morning, the office of medical examiners released the results of DNA testing on Danni Lynn, the baby of the late Anna Nicole Smith. A spokesperson declared that testing had conclusively proven that neither Larry Birkhead nor Howard K. Stern had fathered the baby and that indeed Daniel Lynn's DNA was an exact match for her mother's.

03/28/07 New Harry Potter Cover Capitalizes on Recent Publicity

New York, NY (APE) - Publishers for JK Rowling's popular series of Harry Potter books released the cover art for the highly anticipated seventh and final book in the series today, to the delight of young female fans. The cover art features a slightly titillating portrayal of the young teenage wizard which takes advantage of his real-life counterpart Daniel Radcliffe's recent role in a controversial nude scene in the play Equus.

Tastefully done, the publishers made no apologies for the shirtless and buffed depiction of Harry.

"We had consulted with the author prior to release of this cover specific for the American market," stated a spokesperson for US publisher Scholastic Inc. "Lots of girls have grown up with this character, and now seven years later we were afraid that they might have just become too sophisticated for the story. Many of these young girls have abandoned literature for the pursuit of other fan magazines, and we felt that this might be a way to bring them back. Rowling has always been in favor of an accurate and healthy portrayal of youth sexuality, so it wasn't a hard sell."

The publishers remained tightlipped in regards to what might be in store for readers by way of plot. The book is scheduled for release this July 21 to the breathless anticipation of Muggles everywhere.
 

 

 

03/27/07 Mein Hämmer: Tom Delay Promotes New Book and Musical Comedy Movie

Hollywood, CA (Rotters) - Controversial Texas politician and former Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay today announced that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with an up-and-coming Hollywood motion picture studio, Talon Productions, in which he will bring to the big screen a musical comedy review of his recently released book, One American's Plight. The movie, tentatively scheduled for release sometime during the popular Christmas season, is entitled, "Mein Hämmer".

DeLay, in his book, associates Democrats whom he feels unfairly persecuted him, with the likes of Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. Embroiled in controversy over ever-expanding bribery investigations, DeLay resigned in disgrace last year, and is still awaiting trial in Texas. "The Hammer" is the nickname given to Delay who was largely credited with ruthlessly ruling the Republican Party with an iron fist and succeeded in keeping the party lockstep in line with President George W. Bush over the last six years.

"I think people will really enjoy the musical," stated DeLay. "We've called upon some pretty talented people within the Republican Party, and I think it will present another side of me and other leaders that folks didn't know existed. John Ashcroft has come up with some dynamite original music and lyrics, and Mark Foley has graciously consented to be our choreographer."

"This whole flap over the Hitler thing just goes to show the American people how lacking the Democratic Party is," concluded DeLay. "Honestly, where is their sense of humor? Politics is a nasty business, and if they can't stand the heat, they need to learn to close the door to the oven."

 

 

03/26/07 Gonzales Adds Name to Growing List No longer Trusting Attorney General

Washington. DC  (APE) - Maria Gonzales, the elderly mother of floundering Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, stepped forward at a brief press conference at the White House this morning to announce that she was reluctantly adding her name to a list of both Republican and Democratic politicians who felt they could no longer trust his motivations. Gonzales, in her 70s, was immediately taken back to her undisclosed location after the press conference was abruptly terminated by White House security.

"This is very hard for me," stated Gonzales, "It's always hard on a mother when a child goes wrong. Deep inside I still feel Alberto is a good man, his only sin is that he fell for some very bad advice from those he was trying to help. Rather than see him get deeper into trouble, I've told him that I think he should just quit and come home for a while. I would love to have a little more time with the grandchildren, too."

According to a White House spokesperson, the press conference was arranged with an understanding that Ms. Gonzales had wanted to offer words of encouragement and support for her son. Gonzales' press conference comes as the White House appears to be breathlessly anticipating a possible showdown over subpoenas from both the Senate and House of Representatives later this week, as they continue to consider possible obstruction of justice charges against the Attorney General and the Bush administration over the growing scandal of the apparent political firing of eight US attorneys last December.

"I knew this was headed for trouble years ago when Alberto came home telling me about how torture was really okay, and that he was helping to rewrite the laws on it," stated Gonzales. "This is not like him, and I could see that he was just trying to be his usual, helpful self with some very bad men. I never have liked this whole idea of having to go into hiding because of terrorists."

A spokesperson for Senate Judiciary committee chair Patrick Leahy stated that they would now be considering asking Ms. Gonzales to come forward to testify voluntarily, and did not rule out the possibility of a subpoena if needed. A testy press release from the White House stated that there would be no further access to Ms. Gonzales in any way, shape, or form, claiming a higher order of "executive privilege" than that which they believe is spelled out in the Constitution.

When asked to comment on his mother's remarks later in the day, the Attorney General smiled to reporters and said simply, "She's old."

 

 

03/25/07 Mel Gibson Rips Beating Heart from Apocalypto Critic

Northbridge, CA (O! Online) - Students and faculty at Cal State University at Northbridge were shocked earlier this week as an enraged Mel Gibson used a knife to rip out the still beating heart of a faculty member, and Mayan cultural expert, who had sought to criticize his most recent film "Apocalypto"  for unfairly stereotyping ancient Mayans.

The Professor, Alicia Estrada, asked Gibson if he had actually read about Mayan culture before shooting his film. Gibson then produced a knife from the small of his back and shouted, "Lady, f**k Off! You want f**king cultural sensitivity? I'll show you f**king cultural sensitivity! Make a f**king movie out of this!"

According to stunned onlookers, Gibson then pounced on Estrada and within seconds of a few deft strokes of his knife, produced her still beating heart as she collapsed before the crowd. Other Mayan experts in the audience stated that it was obvious that Gibson had indeed done his homework, at least on Mayan ritual sacrifice.

Estrada and her heart were subsequently rushed to a nearby trauma center where she underwent an emergency  re-implantation procedure. University and hospital officials have stated that Estrada is currently in serious, but stable condition, and expected to make a complete recovery.

No charges have been filed in the incident as yet. California State police authorities are said to be investigating, but Cal State University campus police are currently declining to press charges. A spokesperson for the campus police stated that the incident pales in comparison to other incidents in the past that have arisen during everyday academic discourse and debate between faculty members.

Mel Gibson's publicist, Alan Nierob  refused to apologize for Gibson's behavior, and denied that the movie "Apocalypto" was racist in any way. "I can understand the frustration from the Mayan hecklers who were present, but they represent a conquered people. To the victor goes the spoils of history."

 

03/23/07 Brain Injury Demonstrated to Affect Moral Judgment

Science (Rotters) - In findings presented yesterday in the online journal Nurture, scientists have demonstrated that subtle damage to an area of the brain referred to as the ventromedial prefrontal cortex resulted in often bizarre moral choices, often referred to as "compassionate conservatism", in affected individuals. In a study of six anonymous Republicans, those with what appears now to be a relatively common injury to this particular area to the brain freely expressed an increased willingness to kill or harm others if doing so might advance their own fortunes in some way.

The findings are the most direct evidence that Republicans' passion for hurting others relies in part in neural anatomy and subtle damage to higher brain regions responsible for analysis and planning.

Previous studies had shown that this region was a crossroads for pathways involving moral judgment and higher decision-making.  The new study confirms that what is at work in the damaged area of the Republican brain is a self-serving emotional enmeshment which overrides and degrades pathways responsible for analysis and planning as well as decision-making. In typical circumstances, Republicans with the injury will even rationalize endorsing a woman's right to aborting a fetus if that would save them money.

"We have overwhelming evidence that this is indeed the system that has gone awry when people  beginning exhibiting compassionate conservatism", said Dr. Michael Myers a psychologist who co-authored the study. "The system which performs the utilitarian cost- benefit analysis in these people has clearly been destroyed, seemingly by an invasive cancer from other areas of the brain."

The study's findings could have legal implications in unfolding bribery and corruption cases across the United States as well as in the highly publicized possibility of obstruction of justice charges which could be leveled at the Bush administration as a result of the ongoing US Attorney firing scandal.

"This area, when working correctly, gives rise to social counterbalancing emotions such as embarrassment, guilt and compassion that are critical in modulating moral decision-making," stated Myers. "Absent this necessary counterbalance, individuals are capable of unimaginable and monstrous decisions, with no qualms as to any type of moral consequences. In extreme cases they even become convinced that the acts themselves are indeed moral. One of the individuals from the study even told me, "Jeez, it's not really killing if we're fighting terror.""

Myers went on to explain that much of the work was still ahead for the team to become better able at imaging the subtle damage for clinicians. One individual in the study had no findings on MRI, but had a clear history earlier in life for substance abuse, and multiple accidents on a bicycle as well as a Segway in later life. Metabolic activity recorded on a subsequent PET scan revealed diffuse atrophy of the frontal cortex including the ventromedial prefrontal cortex which resulted in a petulant, arrogant personality with almost no regard for the opinions of others.

"A sad way to think about it," said Myers, "is that we used to have this well-established emotional counterbalance system built-in, but over the years Republican culture and values have worked at the neuronal level to kill it off."

 

03/22/07 American Idol Fan Ashley Ferl to Accompany AG Gonzales in Series of Appearances

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House appears to have pulled out all stops in its efforts to defend embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, announcing today that tearful American Idol fan Ashley Ferl would be accompanying the Attorney General on a series of appearances across the nation designed to promote child safety. Ferl has been credited with single-handedly saving a controversial American Idol contestant, Sanjaya Malakar, through a spontaneous display of tears last night, and the White House appears to be betting that the same display might help Gonzales survive a political firestorm that threatens to engulf others, including possibly the President.

"I love Fredo, he's a cute, sweet guy and he has an amazingly soothing voice," stated Ashley, who was reached for comment at her home. "I just really hate what he's going through, and I hope the president sticks with him."

Ashley's publicist refused to divulge specifics in regards to the financial compensation that she is to receive, but stated that they are negotiating with the White House over possibly having Ashley also become a fixture at press secretary Tony Snow's daily press briefings. It was rumored that a front row seat was being cleared for Ashley, and that she might indeed be bumping iconic White House correspondent Helen Thomas to the second row.

"We're willing to do whatever it takes to head off this nasty business of political show trials, and have Congress returned to serving at the pleasure of the president as they're constitutionally mandated," stated press secretary Snow. "The Democrats opened the emotional can of worms when they didn't accept the president's generous offer and fired off their subpoenas... well, we can play the emotional game too."

 

03/22/07 Vivica Fox to Host New ABC Series, "DUI With the Stars"

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - ABC announced today that 42-year-old actress Vivica Fox, just last night arrested for a DUI while driving her car at approximately 80 miles an hour on the Hollywood Freeway, would be starring in a brand-new series called "DUI With the Stars".  ABC stated that it was looking to build upon the success of the immensely popular "Dancing With the Stars" series.

ABC stated that it already had commitments from A-list stars such as Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears for future episodes.

The premise of the show will be to enlighten the average viewer as to the intricacies involved with the legal system in regards to plea bargaining, rehab placement, and community service in the ever expanding problem with substance abuse in America.

Stars will be asked to consume enough alcohol to register at minimum 0.1 BAC, the cutoff level for intoxication in the majority of states in the US, and then subsequently perform a field sobriety test for the home viewing audience. The contestants will then be rated in the categories of believability, sympathy, remorse, and commitment by a panel of judges from the Republican National Committee. Former House Representative Mark Foley has wholeheartedly endorsed the project and will appear on the initial panel of judges.

Fox's publicist related that she was excited about the prospect of advancing understanding of substance abuse in America as a result of her preliminary plea bargain with California prosecutors.

 

02/20/07 Cheney Rushed to Hospital with Clot

Washington (Rotters) – Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Center for what was supposed to be a routine checkup after starting blood thinning therapy for a blood clot last month. When he arrived, physicians were immediately concerned over the recent formation of another clot in a different leg.

"Apparently the vice president had not been cautioned as to the use of some prescription drugs with the particular anti-coagulant that he is taking," stated Dr. Eric Tyle, a urologist with GWUMC. "Mr. Cheney had apparently attempted to take matters into his own hand rather than consulting with his doctor."

The medical team described the vice president as "seriously unstable" but in good condition.

"Priapism is a serious condition that should be neither ignored nor celebrated," stated Dr. Tyle. "The Big Dick is drained right now and resting."

The Vice President had apparently become short of breath and overwhelmed during a marathon performance and presentation to Halliburton share holders earlier this morning.

The White House stated that it expected Mr. Cheney to be fully engorged in his responsibilities of servicing the American people later this afternoon.
 

 

03/20/07 Breaking: Gonzales Resigns, Bush Appoints Brother as New Attorney General

Washington, DC (APE) - Early this morning, President Bush announced that he had accepted the resignation of an embattled Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General, and presented to a gathering of reporters his next choice for US Attorney General, his brother, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush. Bush sought to assure critics that the pre-existing loophole within the patriot act which had allowed Gonzalez to originally fire and replace eight US attorneys without congressional approval, resulting in controversy for the administration was still in effect and legally allowed for the appointment of his brother.  In a reversal of positions, Bush vowed to fight any effort by Congress to, what he described as "politicize the process" and attempt a rewrite of the legislation.

"Fredo has generously offered to remain on and function in an advisory capacity to Jeb over the next two years until he gets up to speed," stated Bush.  "This is an important job, and well... I hope the third time's the charm."

Bush went on to state that the White House would likely claim executive privilege in regards to the possibility of future testimony from Gonzalez or special presidential adviser Karl Rove as is being considered by Congress, and described the controversy in regards to the US attorney firings as now resolved.

"I will continue to serve the president pleasure, and I pledge to make former attorney general Gonzales' transition as smooth as possible," stated former Florida Governor Bush. He went on to recognize that his appointment might come as a shock to some, particularly since he was not included on a list of likely replacements floated to congressional Republicans. He vowed to investigate the omission as one of his first acts as Attorney General.

The White House appeared to be preparing for a firestorm of criticism in regards to the move. White House special counsel Dan Bartlett scoffed at the idea that the appointment of Bush was nepotism and stated that criticism for the move amounted to nothing more than partisan politics in its basest form.

"Nobody really made a big deal when John Kennedy appointed his brother Bobby," argued Bartlett. "Much has been made of the fact that Jeb only has a degree in Latin studies, but people tend to overlook his wealth of experience in interfacing with law enforcement as evidenced by his recent handling of the Terri Schiavo case during his tenure as governor of Florida.  What the Justice Department needs at this point, is a mover and shaker... someone with experience outside of the law... someone who can really push forward this administration's concerns over illegal immigration and voter fraud."

A response to the controversial appointment from Democratic Senate majority leader Harry Reid was almost immediate and to the point. "When you take into account the multitude of abject failures of this administration, particularly in regards to the ongoing debacle in Iraq, you have to conclude that the President's appointment of his brother is offering the American public a visit to a 'used camel lot'."

 

 

03/19/07 Angry Emma Watson Shaves Head, Refuses Role in Final Two Harry Potter Films

London (O! Online) - Emma Watson, the 16-year-old actress who has made a name for herself starring as Hermione Granger in the first five exceedingly popular Harry Potter films has apparently pulled what some are calling a "Britney" and shaved her head in protest over growing pressures from Warner Bros. to continue her role in the final two films. The actress has reportedly turned down a $3.9 million contract to continue a role which her publicists say she feels is limiting her projects.  A spokesperson for the mega movie studio stated that at this point they were not concerned over Watson's stunt as the famous tresses of Hermione Granger had been a wig in the last movie.

Watson also made the news last week as an infatuated stalker had apparently tracked her down and cause a disruption at her exclusive boarding school. The stalker was subsequently arrested and has currently not been charged.

"Don't get me wrong, I love my fans to death," stated Watson, "but this whole 'virginal good girl' role that I've had to play even off the set has just made me sick to death. Although Daniel and I don't talk much away from the movies, I got a real kick out of helping him with the publicity photos for Equus, and I really support the direction he's trying to go with his career.  You go boy!" Watson, who is 16, and cannot legally pose nude was "Photoshopped" into an advance publicity photo for "Equus" in which her friend and fellow actor Daniel Radcliffe, of legal age in Britain at 17, performs in a controversial nude scene.

Watson adamantly denied rumors that she, like American pop star Britney Spears, was drinking and out of control and would soon be checking into rehab.

"A couple of pictures surfaced on the Internet with me posing before and after like I'm drinking a Corona," laughed Watson, "I just did that for giggles with one of my friends, and now it's all over the world that I'm some sort of sot. And checking into rehab... honestly, I'm already there! Do these people know what it's like in a British boarding school for girls? It makes Hogwarts look like Club Med."

Watson stated that she had recently decided to take advantage of the "bad" publicity in order to broaden horizons for possible future projects, and announced that she would be appearing with shorn pate in a number of upcoming advertisements for Corona Brewery's recently released nonalcoholic beer called Corona "Ultimate Lite".

"As I said, I love my fans, but honestly I wish sometimes people would just get a life," stated Watson. "This whole obsession with the lives of movie stars is damaging to the stars themselves and the people involved. Just take a look at Britney Spears, and that poor bloke that was arrested last week chasing me."

Mischief managed indeed, Ms. Watson.

 

03/17/07 R2-D2 Collects Mail, C-3 PO Goes Postal

Washington, DC (APE) - The National Association of Letter Carriers yesterday issued a statement in which they threatened a strike in regards to the US Postal Service's rollout of a Star Wars advertising campaign in conjunction with the release of a new stamp recognizing the 30th anniversary of the landmark Hollywood movie series.  Earlier this week the USPS showed off its R2-D2 themed mailboxes which would be appearing in thousands of locations throughout the United States, and they then, on Friday, revealed the second part of the campaign in which letter carriers would make deliveries outfitted as C-3 PO, the other popular android from the film. At that point, the NALC union immediately cried foul.

"To say that these new "uniforms" chafe would be a real understatement," stated a spokesperson for the NALC. "We like to do our part to keep the Postal Service profitable and competitive, but this has gone too far."

The Postal Service has endured lasting criticism over the continual rise of postal rates, as more and more people result to e-mail for communications. Revenue from an ever-expanding issuing of commemorative stamps, as well as now personalized stamps has been the only thing that has kept the Postal Service afloat according to a spokesperson for the United States Postmaster General.

"With the turnover of control in Congress to the Democrats, prospects for our proposed "e-stamp" charge for all pieces of e-mail are looking grim," stated the postmaster general spokesperson. "It's sad that the NALC has decided to let this little disagreement jeopardize the economic viability of the postal services, and stay them from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."

The Bush administration expressed complete support for the Postmaster General and vowed that any strike initiated by the NALC would be dealt with severely, citing the grounds of national security. The NALC insisted that they would press on with their demands and accused the Bush administration of mounting what it considered a Chewbacca Defense of the Postal Service.

 

03/16/07 Chanel Unveils New Line of Lipstick/Fragrances with RJR's Camel No. 9

New York, NY (APE) - Parisian based House of Chanel today announced a new series of women's lipsticks and fragrances designed to coincide with the release of RJR's Camel No. 9 cigarette brand. A spokesperson for Chanel stated that the new line was designed to accentuate female smokers attracted to the new cigarette while accommodating non-smoking women who simply wish to project the allure of the cigarette smoker.

"Our new perfume, Camel No. 9, is an exquisite blend of actual camel urine with the tart aroma of a well worn ashtray," stated the Chanel spokesperson.  "There is a slight touch of nicotine added for extra allure as well as a refreshing pick me up."

The Chanel spokesperson stated that, just as the RJR cigarette brand, their line of products was also targeted towards a younger female audience with an eye towards introducing teens and preteens to cosmetics. Chanel dismissed concerns over the inclusion of small quantities of nicotine in their products stating that the FDA had not as yet chosen to regulate nicotine as a drug. As a precaution, however, surgeon general warnings will be discretely placed on all packaging.

"We're looking forward to a tremendous hit with this line, as our pre-marketing surveys have been out of the roof, particularly with girls in the 12 to 16 age group," stated the Chanel spokesperson.

Chanel went on to say that preliminary studies were underway to investigate the feasibility of possible future tie-ins with other feminine care products as well as birth control.

 

 

03/15/07 Gonzales Reveals Khalid Mohammed Confession led to US Attorney Purge and FBI Surveilance

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and FBI Director Robert Mueller today announced in a joint press conference at the Department of Justice that the recent dustups in regards to firing of US attorneys as well as illegal FBI surveillance claims had occurred as a result of information obtained from Guantánamo Bay prisoner Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. In a confession reportedly obtained earlier this year and released yesterday, Pentagon transcripts documented Mohammed's admissions to being the mastermind of the 9/11 terrorist attacks as well as thousands of other plots. Gonzales and Mueller stated that it could now be revealed that a number of perceived improprieties on the part of the Department of Justice and the FBI were in fact appropriate and linked to ongoing terrorist investigations within the United States.

"For the record, I would just like to say that I can now safely state that in actuality no mistakes have been made, and I apologize for the need for the previous deceptions that were necessarily advanced to the American public out of national security concerns," said Gonzalez. "I cannot elaborate further except to say that sadly, there does appear to be a link between Al Qaeda and Democratic voter registration fraud.  These US attorneys were dismissed out of expediency in the ongoing war on terror, and we will demonstrate this to members of Congress in secure, closed hearings."

Mueller, in a like manner blamed the growing list of illegal surveillance claims against the FBI on a necessary rapid response to details obtained from Mohammed while in captivity over the last few years.

Gonzales further praised the confession as vindication for the United States' ongoing revisions of the definitions of torture. "Much of what we have learned from Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been through the utilization of approved facial stress positions," stated Gonzales. "We have a wealth of new information now for which we frankly are having a hard time in coming up with the manpower to track down."

Some of the successful and unsuccessful plots that Mohammed has confessed to include assassination attempts on former Presidents Carter and Clinton, the mysterious death of Anna Nicole Smith, the release of E. coli in various fast food establishments across the United States, and an organized campaign to remove American Idol's Antonella Barbara.

"We are sickened by the direction our investigations have taken us," stated FBI Director Mueller, "but we are determined to follow all leads, even into the hallowed halls of Congress."

 

 

03/14/07 Rod Majors Rises to the Defense of Peter Pace

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a hastily arranged press conference this morning at the Department of Defense, former Marine Corporal Matt Sanchez, a.k.a. "Rod Majors" former gay porno film star and male escort, met with General Peter Pace to express his support for the general's personal views on gay sex as "immoral".

"I have done some things that I'm not proud of, mistakes were made." stated Majors. "I've kind of come full circle to the point that I would have to agree with General Pace that my lifestyle was immoral... fun, but immoral. But, I would have to disagree with the general that gays do not have any place in the military... we're some of the most hardened folks you'd ever want to be in close quarters with."

"I'm just so sick of the hypocrisy of this whole thing from the "liberal left"", continued Majors. "they brand themselves as accepting, and forgiving, but they just can't seem to let alone a few sexual indiscretions, and yes "immoral behavior" from true conservatives. The truth is that we're only human, and gay too. I don't know what the general might have in his past, and frankly I don't care. If he was into gay porn like me, and by the way, he has the perfect porno name... Peter Pace... well, that's not my concern."

Pace publicly thanked Sanchez for his support and stated that he would be meeting with secretary of defense Bill Gates to consider further wording for a possible apology for his remarks.  

 

 

03/14/07 Bush Cleanses Administration With Mayan Sacrifice

Uxmal, Mexico (APE) - President Bush ended his weeklong five nation tour of South and Central America with an ancient animal sacrifice ceremony with Mexican President Felipe Calderone at the Quadrangle of the Nuns at the Uxmal ruins in Uxmal, Mexico. Under the supervision of Mayan priests, a yearling lamb was substituted for the required virgin for the cleansing ceremony, although Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had volunteered for the sacrifice.

To the delight of onlookers, Bush used a ceremonial knife to open the chest cavity of the Lamb and remove the still beating heart. Bush then consumed the heart in tradition with the Mayan ceremony, as the Lamb had already been cleared by White House physicians over concerns with possible risk factors for Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.

"This is the highlight of my presidency to participate in this ceremony in such a historic place," stated Bush. "It's even more satisfying that this occurs during Easter and our recognition of the sacrificial lamb, Jesus."

Mayan priests assured Bush that in spite of the fact that a virginal human female would have been a better sacrifice, the ceremony should still have the desired effect of ridding the administration of evil. The priests then set about the daunting task of cleansing Uxmal of the administration's evils that it had absorbed.  Officials for the ruins stated that it would likely be closed to the public for the next three months.

Bush returns to Washington today amidst growing calls for pardons for Alberto Gonzales, Scooter Libby, General Peter Pace, and Vice President Dick Cheney.

 

 

03/12/07 Bush Response Eclipses Protestors in Guatemala

Guatemala City (UPSI) - President Bush's daylong trip to Guatemala was again marred by protests throughout the country.  Bush, however, remained steadfast in his insistence upon deportation of illegal immigrants in America, a large majority of whom hail from Guatemala and nearby Nicaragua, as he simultaneously attempted to tout the benefits of free trade agreements achieved in 2005. The stop was the first in which Bush appeared to gesture to the crowds and acknowledge the presence of protesters.

Bush was actually seen and photographed later in the day in a staged event in which he helped to load a flatbed truck with free-trade lettuce headed for America. The entire shipment was reportedly later intercepted by Guatemalan government inspectors over suspicions of possible E. coli contamination after it was learned that the president had not washed his hands after gesturing to the crowds from his limousine earlier that morning.

Bush concluded his visit with a trip to ancient Mayan ruins in Tecpan. Protesters again there condemned the president for what they viewed as a pollution and desecration of a holy site. Myan priests confirmed that they had indeed been unsuccessful in cleansing the religious site after Bush's visit.

Bush flies to Mexico overnight for a daylong visit and he is scheduled that evening to attend a performance of the off-Broadway play "Moon over Montevideo".

Throughout his trip, the president has been dogged by arch nemesis Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, who has had a successful tour of other countries in South America offering aid and support from his country and preaching an anti-Bush message. Chavez today described Bush's presence in South America as "waning".

 

03/12/07 Hagel Announces Bid to Challenge Hillary, Obama in 2008

Lincoln, NE (Rotters) - Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck Hagel today ended speculation as to his plans for 2008 with the announcement at local ABC affiliate KLNK, that he indeed intended to challenge presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in a constantly expanding Democratic field. Hagel, who famously claimed that he would leave the Senate by 2008 in his 1996 election bid, stated that he felt he had a different choice to offer American voters.

Hagel presented himself as a war veteran, initially voting in support of the war in Iraq who now regrets and apologizes for his actions. Hagel has been an outspoken critic of Bush administration policies since 2005 when he compared the Iraq war to Vietnam.

When asked to comment over what will likely be a very controversial party switch, Hagel stated that he was bracing himself for a "hailstorm" of criticism, and had this to say: "Dark clouds still hang over  the Republican Party. I still believe in smaller government, accountability, national security, support for our troops, and family values, but the truth be told, the Democrats appear to have a better and stronger command of these issues. I'd like nothing better than to remain a Republican candidate, but I haven't been married enough times to be competitive."

Hagel stated that his candidacy was merely in its exploratory committee phase, and much depended upon fund raising with the purchase price of a successful presidential bid for 2008 approaching over $300 million according to most political analysts. The Hagel campaign stated that it would explore a number of options to increase Hollywood tie-ins, including the possibility of a bipartisan ticket with former Tennessee Republican Senator and actor Fred Thompson as a vice presidential running mate.

 

03/10/07 Giuliani Admits Current Affair with Gingrich Ongoing During Clinton Impeachment

New York, NY (APE) - The headquarters for the Rudolph Giuliani presidential campaign today released a statement in which Giuliani admits to a long-term and ongoing affair with former Speaker of the House and also possible Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. Giuliani further admitted that he was engaged in the affair during the time in 1998 in which Gingrich led the successful Republican charge for impeachment against then-President Clinton over lying under oath in regards to sexual indiscretions with White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

A spokesperson for the Giuliani campaign maintained that the relationship between Gingrich and Giuliani has always been nothing more than platonic. They described Giuliani as being "captivated" by the power and sheer animal magnetism of Gingrich, a man of Kennedyesque sexual appetites. If confirmed, this would be the fourth affair attributable to Gingrich, currently married to his third wife who represents his second or third affair, depending upon the interpretation.

Offices of the former Speaker of the House Gingrich stated simply that the descriptions of the affair are "accurate" and would not elaborate further. Gingrich himself would offer no comment, and insiders have described his current wife as "devastated".

Giuliani was later reached for comment, and when asked to elaborate on the possible hypocrisy of the affair, he had this to say:

"The Clinton indiscretion is entirely different... I am guilty of only lusting in the heart like former President Carter. Besides, he committed perjury, and I've never had to testify to any of this under oath. I made the decision to come forward with my admissions after I saw that the Democrat candidate Barack Obama had returned to Harvard to pay his parking tickets. He has really set the bar for ethics in the 2008 campaign thus far."

Gingrich, who earlier this week admitted to a second extramarital affair that occurred during the Clinton impeachment, was later embraced by religious fundamentalists James Dobson and Jerry Falwell for coming forwards with his story. Falwell consequently invited Gingrich to lecture at Liberty University.

A spokesperson for Liberty University, when contacted, stated that the latest Giuliani revelation had changed nothing, and that indeed an invitation had been advanced to Giuliani to have the two appear at a joint speaking engagement on "the modernization of family values".

"We want America to know that a new day has dawned with religious tolerance for alternative lifestyles," stated the spokesperson. "Both the Republican Party and the Southern Baptist Association have huge revival tents under which everyone is welcome."

 

03/09/07 Gates/Buffett Make Forbes List Again

New York, NY (APE) - This month's special issue of Forbes Magazine features the publisher's annual list of the world's poorest individuals, and again this year Microsoft chief executive Bill Gates and financier Warren Buffett finished dead last. Forbes reported that the bottom 100th of a percent of the list had grown to 946, up over 200 from last year.

The magazine made an attempt to track down people living on less than $1-$2 per day all across the globe in an effort to identify the world's poorest individuals. After attempting to sort through a list of over 50 billion eligible people worldwide, the magazine's editorial staff gave up and just attempted to select one deserving person for an interview.  The magazine eventually named an unidentified five-year-old male child from Darfur as the world's poorest individual, but he subsequently died after his picture was taken and was unable to complete an interview, and no family members were available for comment.

Forbes also listed countries most responsible for advancing poverty and Sudan finished first, with China, America, and India finishing in the top 10.  A list was also compiled of global corporations most responsible for advancing poverty, but it was declared too controversial and not included.

 

03/08/07 U.S. Mint Apologizes for "Godless Dollar" Coin Release

Philadelphia, PA (Rotters) - US mint spokesperson Becky Bailey today confirmed that well over 50,000 of the new United States dollar coins had been struck in error with the face of founding father George Washington replaced by that of right wing pundit Ann Coulter.  In addition, the coins were struck with the traditional edge inscription "In God We Trust" replaced with "In Ann We Trust".

Bailey insisted that the mistake was a result of some obvious mischievous behavior upon the part of mint employees, and not a deliberate campaign upon the part of the treasury to promote acceptance of the newly reissued coin. She stressed that a full investigation was under way and responsible employees would be dealt with severely.

"We take this matter seriously," stated Bailey. "We are reviewing our quality control process to see exactly how this could have gotten past our inspectors. Perhaps the similarities in jawline and adam's apple are to blame, but we just don't know at this time."

The coins have already begun cropping up on eBay, with one of the first reportedly being sold for $600.

A spokesperson for the John Edwards presidential campaign admitted that they had received well over 100 coins as donations via FedEx in response to their recent "Coulter Cash" fund-raising plan, which was initiated in response to Coulter's recent smearing of Edwards with the word "faggot".

Numerous e-mail conspiracy theories have arisen in regards to explanations for release of the defective coin. The most popular one states that the "godless dollar" was released en masse as a result of a secret deal between the Treasury Department and Random House publishers in order to promote flagging sales of Coulter's latest book "Godless: The Church of Liberalism" as well as garner acceptance for the historically unpopular coin. Random House refused to comment on the rumors, and Coulter's official website remained inaccessible yesterday, due to what Coulter herself described as a coordinated denial of service attack from "left-wing liberal blogging fags". Coulter further insisted that her description of left-wing liberals as fags was merely a reference to their proclivity for tobacco use and in no way an accusation in regards to their sexual preferences.

 

03/06/07 Blood Clot Migrates to the Vice President's Heart

Bethesda, MD (APE) - a spokesperson for the Bethesda Naval Hospital early this morning confirmed that a blood clot in the vice president's left leg had indeed migrated to his heart. He stated that the entire staff had breached a collective sigh of relief as the clot was then removed in a straightforward 15 minute procedure requiring only some local anesthesia. The White House confirmed that Mr. Cheney had indeed suffered no ill effects from the procedure and was looking forward to returning to work sometime after lunch.

"This is indeed a tribute to modern medical technology as well as the vice president's constitution," stated Franklyn Stein, MD, spokesperson for the Bethesda Naval Hospital cardiac care unit. "The vice president was really never in any danger, as his heart had been removed years ago and replaced with a high-tech device designed to catch blood clots that might migrate from the leg. The device most resembles an oversized permanent coffee filter. It was just a simple matter of opening the chest cavity under local anesthesia and dumping the contents of the filter."

Dr. Stein went on to explain that there was really never any danger of a complicating stroke for the vice president, as the neurons making up his remaining central nervous system had become hardened and long resistant to oxygen deprivation secondary to many years of decreased blood flow and alcohol consumption.

"As a precaution we had begun treatment with warfarin when the vice president was first diagnosed with the deep venous thrombosis.  We became a little concerned as Mr. Cheney displayed an unusually high sensitivity to what is essentially "rat poison". We were fortunate that the clot dislodged and migrated so quickly that we were able to discontinue therapy," stated Stein.

A spokesperson for the White House stated that Speaker of the House of Nancy Pelosi had not been notified as next in succession in that the vice president's life was never really in any danger.

 

03/01/07 Hilton Arrest Photos Surface on eBay: Hilton to Enter Rehab

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Paris Hilton was shocked today when she showed up to reclaim her impounded Bentley and found herself arrested and booked for violation of her previous probation for a drunk driving conviction last year. "This is just way out of proportion", complained "The Simple Life " star. To add insult to injury, within minutes of her being taken into custody, a picture of the arrest surfaced for sale on eBay with an opening bid of $500.

Hilton's publicist Elliot Mintz immediately registered a complaint with the Los Angeles Police Dept over the handling of the arrest as well as the release of the photograph. "It's a sad day in America when terrorist combatants seem to have more rights in regards to publicity than American citizens," stated Mintz.

Mintz went on to state that he had immediately filed a brief with the clerk of superior court in Los Angeles insisting upon the immediate release of the hotel heiress so that she would not lose her spot at the popular Promises rehab facility in Malibu currently being attended by her BFF, Britney Spears. Mintz stated that Hilton was actually headed for her admission to the facility in the wing reserved for Spears when she was pulled over by police Tuesday night. "To be clear, this in no way implies that Paris has a problem," stated Mintz. "She is merely responding to a cry for help from her friend, and wanting to show her support."

Promises confirmed that if Hilton did not accept her admission slot it was highly likely she would not be allowed into the exclusive facility until a much later date. "We're the hottest ticket in town right now," stated a Promises spokesperson. "We have to abide by our reservation policy just like any other business in Hollywood."

 

 

02/28/07 Bush Administration Blames Market Plunge on Chinese Plot: The Manchurian Columbidae

Washington, DC (APE) - In an early morning press conference today President George Bush blamed yesterday's over 400 point loss in the US stock market on a highly sophisticated avian spy program initiated by the Chinese. The president produced a dead pigeon (Columbidae liva) captured yesterday in New York's financial district which apparently had a computer chip surgically implanted in its head. Bush claimed that CIA scientists verified that the chip was capable of various tasks including monitoring as well as disrupting electronic communications.

Wall Street technicians were sent scrambling yesterday in an effort to explain why key computer programs had apparently malfunctioned at the end of the trading day resulting in what appeared to be a panicked selloff at market close.

Bush stated that animal control officers across the country in conjunction with Homeland security had begun efforts to round up these cybernetically enhanced birds dubbed "Manchurian Columbidae" in other financial district in Chicago and Los Angeles. He refused to stipulate as to the number of birds that had been discovered thus far but stated that the plot appeared to be "very widespread and insidious".

"The United States simply will not be held at the mercy of economic terrorists," stated Bush.

A formal statement from the Chinese government disavowed the president's claims as "rubbish".  The government did admit to successful experimentation with chip implantation in a limited number of birds at the Robot Engineering Technology Research Center at Shangdong University of Science, but stated that these birds specifically were engineered only to respond to directional control in regards to flight.

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff stated that as a precaution in financial centers throughout the US this morning bird seed would be spread in order to attract pigeons away from key districts.

 

02/27/07 Cheney Unhurt in Bombing: Receives Medal of Honor

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Hours after touching down aboard Air Force two following what the White House has described as a extremely successful Asian trip, Vice President Dick Cheney was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor by President Bush in recognition of his heroism in surviving an assassination attempt by a suicide bomber yesterday in Afghanistan. Mr. Cheney was recognized for his unprecedented valor and calm demeanor in the aftermath of the explosion which Taliban forces in Afghanistan have claimed responsibility for in an attempt to assassinate the vice president.

"'Is everyone okay, are we still alive?', These were the first words that came from the mouth of this self-sacrificing American patriot," stated President Bush. "After he made sure that he and everyone around him were okay, he insisted that the dead and wounded be taken care of immediately by the Afghan government." The suicide bombing apparently resulted in the deaths of 20 people including one American serviceman.

Critics of the Bush administration later pointed out that an act from Congress was necessary in order for the awarding of the Congressional medal of honor, and that it was strictly limited to men and women who had served or were serving in America's armed forces.

The Bush administration claimed that it was well within its rights in awarding the medal strictly through the executive branch without congressional approval.  They cited recent amendments attached to a congressional pay raise bill passed last year by the Republican controlled Congress in which both the Senate and House of Representatives agreed to cede all authority on the matter. It was argued that this would make it easier for the president to reward heroism in a much more rapid fashion in the ongoing war on terror. The White House revealed that the vice president had also been secretly commissioned as a general in the United States Army three years ago, with a specialization in intelligence gathering.

The White House went on to relate the recent awarding of the Medal of Honor to retired Army Lt. Col. Bruce Crandall, whose heroism was portrayed by actor Greg Kinnear in the movie "Once Were Soldiers", almost 41 years after the Vietnam War, as evidence for the need for reform in the award process.

The White House later stated that their gravest suspicions had been confirmed and that evidence personally obtained by Vice President Cheney after the blast in Afghanistan showed clear involvement by the Iranian government. They stated that a closed cabinet meeting had immediately been convened after the award ceremony in order to consider responses to the Irani aggression, with the administration debating the possibility of cutting off covert funding to Sunni extremists charged with countering Shia influenced forces in the region.

 

 

02/26/07 Surprise Visit: Cheney Encourages Musharraf to Hunt Taliban

Islamabad, Pakistan (APE) - US Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Pakistan on Monday to invite Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf along on an impromptu Taliban hunt. The surprise stop was added to visits to Japan and Australia on an Asia tour undertaken by the vice president in which he rallied support for US policy for a surge of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. The vice president was reported to have indulged in his greatest passion, hunting, at each stop, with the surprise visit to Afghanistan being the culmination.

While Musharraf demurred on joining Cheney for the hunt, he reportedly allowed the vice president access to Taliban preserves and sanctuaries in northern Pakistan, and waved the customary limits and license requirements for Mr. Cheney.

President Bush had earlier sent a tough message to Musharraf insisting that if the vice president were not allowed access to the preferred hunting areas, there was a danger that the newly empowered Democratic Congress might cut off funding for Taliban preservation efforts established jointly by the two administrations.

White House sources speaking on condition of anonymity due to the highly sensitive security concerns involved stated that the vice president's trip to the remote mountainous border area between Pakistan and Afghanistan had indeed been very fruitful, with Mr. Cheney reportedly bagging 24 Taliban from early Monday morning to approximately noon. No breakdown was available as to the makeup of kills in regards to men versus women and children.

The same White House source bristled at reports that the entire hunting trip had been staged, and that the majority of the vice president's kills were of accused Taliban insurgents who had been drugged, released from captivity, and driven disoriented through a staged killing zone. "Of course there were others involved in the hunt," said the White House source. "This is big game here, and the ultimate challenge, requiring highly coordinated teamwork. As to the drugging, come on. Take a look at the area all around the Taliban sanctuary... it's the opium capital of the world. There's no accounting for how people might like to experience their last moments of life."

The White House did confirm rumors that a member of the hunting party had been inadvertently wounded, but refused to say whether it had been at the hands of the vice president, and that the name was being withheld prior to notification of the next of kin.

 

02/25/07 Taco Bell to Combat Rat Infestation with Resurrected Ad Campaign

New York, NY (Rotters) - Days after it was sent scurrying from a nationally viewed video showing a rat infestation at a Greenwich Village franchise of a KFC-Taco Bell restaurant, Yum Brands the corporate owner of Taco Bell stated that it would be taking an aggressive tack in the worldwide media in order to stave off a possibility of slumping sales which resulted from a similar incident with an E. coli scare last year.  Taco Bell will be resurrecting an offshoot of one of its most successful marketing campaigns, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, in effort to both reassure and entertain its customers.

In the new campaign slated for both television commercials and print, "Gidget" the talking Chihuahua, who was fired after many  complaints from Hispanic Americans, will be replaced by a sphinx purebred cat, and a newly recycled catchphrase, "Yo Quiero Ratoncitos!"

A corporate spokesperson stated that advance screenings of the new hairless mouser/mascot have been overwhelmingly positive. "This little guy is off the scale on the cuteness index," stated the Yum Brands spokesperson, "and people really love the idea of a tireless and dedicated Sentinel, always on guard to make sure that they get the finest quality product.  At this point in time we're expecting very little in the way of offense being taken over the use of the Sphinx cat. We have very little in the way of market inroads into Egypt and the Middle East, and a remote risk of offending Muslims is one that we're willing to take. We're expecting at a minimum $50 million in profit from the initial rollout of commemorative toys and collectibles alone. This is the ultimate lemonade out of lemons solution, and we're frankly very excited."

In a related story, Yum Brands also announced that it was hedging its bets just in case the new "Yo Quiero Ratoncitos!" campaign is unsuccessful. The corporate headquarters announced that it would be entering into a three party deal with Disney Inc. and the Walter Reed Army Hospital. The three will launch a campaign which will make Taco Bell-KFC the official food distributor for the Army Hospital campus with Mickey Mouse visiting recuperating soldiers and their families as a goodwill ambassador to defuse the scandal of the recently exposed rat infestation of living quarters on the campus.

The army appeared to be desperate for a resolution to the growing scandal as it was earlier today revealed that an undisclosed number of recuperating GIs had been inadvertently poisoned with Salmonella laced peanut butter. An anonymous Army spokesperson admitted that the Army had saved a tremendous sum of money through a deal in which it had purchased contaminated lots of Peter Pan and Great Value peanut butter from the food conglomerate ConAgra. The army spokesperson stated that the peanut butter was initially meant to be used to bait traps in infested soldiers' quarters at the Reed medical center until they found out afterwards that rats had a natural immunity to salmonella. The spokesperson admitted that while the program was immediately discontinued, it had forgotten to caution the GIs against eating the peanut butter themselves which resulted in a large number of illnesses.

 

 

02/25/07 Condo-Lisa (with profound apologies to the late, great Nat King Cole!)

Condoleezza, Condoleezza, when they name you
You're so unlady-like with the caustic frown
Is it lonely cause it's solely that we blame you
For that Condoleezza sageness brought us down

Do you frown to tempt decider, Condoleezza?
Or is this your way to chide his token smarts?
Many scream that Iraq is at your doorstep
We just die there and you lie there
Don't you storm, don't you feel, Condoleezza?
As you're resold and only blithely play your part?

Condoleezza, Condoleezza...

 

 

02/23/07 Bush Promotes Ethanol for Nation's Problems

Raleigh, NC (APE) - President George W. Bush yesterday took a tour of Novozymes North America Inc. a manufacturer of enzymes designed to harvest ethanol from various renewable resources. Bush touted ethanol as an answer to virtually all of America's problems, from oil independence to all controversies both foreign and domestic. Bush then took a quick jaunt via Marine one to tour another ethanol distillery in nearby Tennessee to emphasize the point.

"Some mistakes have been made," stated Bush. "If I had known some things then that I know now, perhaps things would have been different and I wouldn't have to have been as aggressive with promoting the benefits of ethanol. It's amazing how far the science has come.  They're even getting ethanol out of kudzu in North Carolina... it has a real spice to it but it goes down pretty smooth."

Bush finished his whirlwind domestic agenda tour with a stop in New Orleans to meet up with wife Lara and promote the administration's campaign for health care reform. The Bushes toured a number of hospitals devastated by hurricane Katrina and then made a brief appearance at a Mardi Gras celebration on Bourbon Street.

Bush took the opportunity to laud drug manufacturer Merck Inc. upon the rollout of its human papilloma virus vaccination called Gardisil. "I want to thank Merk for all that it has contributed to the health of America, and the pioneering work that Texas Governor Rick Perry has done in making the vaccine mandatory for all school-age girls," stated Bush. When questioned further by reporters, Bush stated that he had received assurances from Governor Perry that the over $11,000 in donations to Perry and eight state lawmakers from Merk, Inc. had been put to good use.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice also made a Mardi Gras appearance but instead, at a carnival parade in Berlin Germany. Rice was in Germany to arouse support for the US position of increasing sanctions upon Iran for its failure to abide by a UN Security Council resolution condemning its nuclear aspirations.

Rice met with the Foreign Ministers from Russia and Germany as well as the EU foreign policy chief to discuss ways to deal with the Iranian government's insistence upon pursuing uranium enrichment. "We have a common goal of enticing Iran back to the bargaining table. Anything is on the table."

Meanwhile, in Washington, the White House appeared to be breathlessly anticipating the outcome of the Scooter Libby perjury trial.  In a surprise move early this morning the jury sent a note to Judge Reggie Walton requesting to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney, who had been expected to testify.  They also requested that Libby be placed in temporary custody over fears that he might become a flight risk prior to the conclusion of their deliberations. Walton admonished the jury over the request for the audience with the vice president stating that it was legally inappropriate, but granted the request for the detention of Libby.

Many in Washington feel that the outcome of the Libby trial represents a symbolic judgment over the Bush administration's making of the case for war in Iraq.  The trial itself has subjected the administration's machinations in the lead up to the war in Iraq to embarrassing public exposure.  President Bush famously, at the time, insisted that anyone in the administration leaking the identity of Valerie Plame would be dismissed.  The president has since refused to comment, stating that the trial is ongoing, but has repeatedly assured the public that he has taken a personal hand into the issue of leaking at the White House.

 

 

 

 

02/21/07 Critics Astounded by the Success of Ghost Decider

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Branded an expensive flop by critics this past November, "Ghost Decider" astounded Beltway critics by becoming the number one fright flick box office draw over the Presidents' Day weekend. Critics are at a loss to explain the continued appeal of the film's stubbornly stupid main character to a loyal subculture of the American population.

"Ghost Decider" is the most recent of a spate of Hollywood films based upon comic book characters. The film stars newcomer George W. Bush as an antichrist like mountain bike rider who sends soldiers to meet their makers.

Thus far, "Ghost Decider" has grossed over $750 billion from the US treasury and other sources since its initial release, and looks likely to take in another $75 billion over the coming weeks. "Ghost Decider" is currently in military theatres worldwide and is rated "M" for manure.

 

02/21/07 Blair Vanishes Prior to Brit Troop Withdrawal Announcement

London, England (UPSI) - British Prime Minister Tony Blair mysteriously vanished early this morning just hours before a scheduled official announcement In regards to the withdrawal of 3000 British troops from Iraq by year's end.  Information is sketchy at this point but it appears that Blair's entire security contingent at Downing Street became mysteriously ill, facilitating a possible Early-morning kidnapping of the Prime Minister. MI-5 authorities are refusing to comment on an unfolding embarrassing situation, but speculations abounded that Mr. Blair was either kidnapped in a terrorist plot or subjected to extreme rendition at the hands of American CIA undercover operatives.

A picture surfaced from an anonymous source presumably taken early this morning which shows Blair apparently being spirited out of his quarters by an unidentified contingent of armed men. A check of flight logs at a small private airstrip outside of London's Heathrow Airport revealed that there indeed had been a documented early morning arrival and departure of a private jet leased to Blackwater security, a North Carolina-based firm.

A spokesperson for the White House vehemently denied any CIA involvement in Blair's disappearance, insisting that, in all likelihood, the prime minister was a victim of the rampant Muslim extremism which appears to have infiltrated British society, and appears to have begun clouding its collective judgment.  "Our sympathies go out to the Prime Minister's wife and family and the country of Great Britain," stated the spokesperson. "We will devote all the resources of America's vast intelligence community in order to render justice in Mr. Blair's case. This should serve as a reminder to everyone that the war on terror is indeed a deadly game in which we are all  involved. At this time, we won't comment further, but preliminary information indicates that there may be a possibility of Iranian involvement."

 

02/20/07 Resurgent Al-Qaeda Rumored as Potential Buyer for Chrysler

Auburn Hills, MI (Rotters) - In a controversial move this morning, DaimlerChrysler chairman Dieter Zetsche announced that Al Qaeda had emerged as the most attractive bidder from a pack of interested buyers that had secretly announced due diligence in regards to purchasing the American icon automobile manufacturer Chrysler. Al Qaeda head Osama bin Laden met with Zetsche and the board of directors late yesterday and is said to be offering $15 billion for Chrysler's physical plants and assets with negotiations underway in which parent corporation Daimler would continue to fund pension liabilities and health-care obligations for its workers. Bin Laden stated that Daimler's continued coverage of its employees was key to the deal as it represented a huge conflict of interest for Al Qaeda.

An Al-Qaeda spokesperson confirmed that the terrorist organization had indeed been blessed with a banner year, confirming an earlier White House claim of resurgence.  Citing a continuing flood of potential recruits secondary to America's involvement in Iraq as well as favorable weather and growing conditions in the poppy fields of Afghanistan over the past year, the spokesperson stated that Al Qaeda was indeed very cash heavy and considering many alternatives for growth and expansion globally.

"We are excited over the prospects of branching out into manufacturing," stated Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri. "Sources for new car bombs have been steadily deteriorating throughout the Middle East in the ongoing jihad with the American Crusaders. The Chrysler Ram series of frames and body styles are indeed well-built and suitable to the rigors of combat and support throughout our theaters.  Our technicians and developers have achieved great success with rewiring and retooling existing collision systems for use as detonators.  With the ability to substitute explosive charges for airbags on a massive scale, we should finally be able to fulfill the Bush administration's request to "bring the war on terror home to the American people", Allah be praised. The need for suicide bombers will be rendered obsolete."

Zetsche confirmed that Al Qaeda's offer had beaten proposals from Renault, Hundai, and General Motors. "It is a shame that this fine automobile arrives at this outcome," stated Zetsche. "We have invited counterproposals from the US government in all fairness, but we have yet to hear from them."

The White House refused comment on the buyout offer, but stated that the president was working closely with the Republican minorities in the Senate and House to offer a joint nonbinding resolution against the Al Qaeda acquisition.

 

02/19/07 Clinton Shaves Head in Support of Britney Spears and Campaign Hire

Florence, SC (APE) - Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton today stunned supporters in South Carolina with a newly shaven head at campaign appearances in South Carolina. Clinton claimed that the new look was in support of pop star Britney Spears' attempt at a brand-new makeover of her life and career. Clinton also took the opportunity to categorically deny that her campaign had essentially offered $200,000 in business towards the consulting firm of State Senator Darrell Jackson in order to receive an endorsement from influential black politicians. Clinton stated that the shorn look was her way of demonstrating that she had nothing to hide.

Speaking at Allen University, a traditionally black college in Colombia, Clinton took questions from the crowd.  When asked if she felt that shaving her head and associating with Spears might prove to be a mistake in the long run, Clinton said, "I don't think so, I can really identify with Britney. I think that if she knew then what she knows now about her former husband Kevin, she certainly wouldn't find herself in the predicament that she is in now... there would have been no need to shave her head. Perhaps a shaved head is a good way to apologize for your own shortcomings to yourself and others when you just can't seem to find the words."

Senator Jackson reaffirmed that the $200,000 business deal had nothing to do with the endorsement of Clinton's candidacy, but that it would certainly go a long way towards making her the Democratic candidate most likely to win.  He further stated that with the same or possibly less financial backing, Illinois Senator Barak Obama would probably look more likely to win.

In a related story, Clinton's locks have reportedly surfaced for sale on eBay, as well as those of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

 

 

02/16/07 Tearful Boehner Pledges to Adopt Nicole Smith Cause

Washington, DC (UPSI) - A tearful House Minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) yesterday pledged to reporters that he intended to end what he called a "destructive partisan bickering" over the Iraq War by the Democrats and return the business of the house to issues that the majority of Americans find important. He pledged to adopt the cause of Anna Nicole Smith, the controversial recently deceased reality TV star, and bring binding resolutions and legislation to the floor of the house designed to protect the average American from the exploitation the late Smith and her orphaned daughter have endured. "We will refocus and reunite the Republican Party around the family values that Americans have entrusted to our stewardship," stated Boehner.

"It brings tears to my eyes to consider the repeated genetic testing that her lifeless body has had to endure," stated Boehner, "to say nothing of watching a poor innocent infant bandied about for a week like a multi-million dollar football. This is not what the culture of life is all about. This is Terri Schiavo all over again, and it's all because we were blocked by the liberal Democrats from getting it right the first time."

Boehner stated that the Republican party's latest poling showed that a vast majority of Americans (80%) were far more concerned over the outcome of Baby Dannilyn than opposition to the Iraq War (63%). "The Republicans have always been the party of the people, and we look forward to getting back to the people's issues that were important before we were railroaded out of power." stated Boehner.

Boehner went on to say that he intended to introduce an amendment blocking what he called "further desecration of the body of Anna Nicole Smith," and "exploitation of baby Dannilyn" into the current up or down vote against the President's surge in Iraq scheduled for late tonight in the house. "This is not a political ploy," Boehner insisted, "it is a reaffirmation of what the Republican party stands for, and the American people will be the judge. If the Democrat leadership attempts to block this, they will suffer their own consequences."

 

02/15/07 When You Fish to Win a War

 

When you fish to win a war, take no preference with whom you spar
Many things you’ll start transpire to undo you

If you embark in sin your schemes, so bequest a failed regime
When you fish to win a war as schemers do

Hate you’ll find, it binds to those who loathe
The neat distilment of their secret wronging

Like a dolt who sees he’s nude, hate seeps in and sees thru you
When you fish to win a war, your schemes miscue

 

 

02/14/07 Mahdi Army Insists All Sadr Still in Iraq

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - One day after anonymous US officials insisted that radical cleric Muqtada al Sadr had fled Iraq for Iran, an anonymous Mahdi Army spokesperson stepped forwards with photographic proof that it presented to Al Jazeera showing that Al Sadr was still in Iraq in his command bunker.  Al Sadr's departure had been reported by several US television networks yesterday on the strength of anonymous US government sources.

The picture shows Al Sadr, affectionately known as "Mullah Atari" to his supporters, in command of his anti-American army in Iraq.

The Mahdi Army spokesperson stated that Al Sadr had complete split-second, real-time command of his troops via a heavily modified PlayStation 2. Al Sadr is currently operating off of a hacked copy of the heavily anticipated Electronic Arts upcoming release of its latest "Command and Conquer" series of video games.

"No one is able to utilize suicide bombers and unruly crowds like Mullah Atari," said the Mahdi spokesperson. "We predict that the Bush  surging strategy is eventually doomed for failure."

 

02/13/07 Viagra Valentine Campaign Goes Worldwide

New York, NY (Rotters) - Pfizer pharmaceuticals today announced that it would be partnering with Britain's largest pharmacy chain, Boots, to supply a special commemorative dose of its popular erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra, to any male over the age of 18 over the counter for Valentine's Day. A specially decorated Valentines box which contains four reduced dose "conversation heart" pills, will be available for $5. Each pill will contain 5 mg of sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra, enough to provide the user with a "small taste" of the effects of Viagra. A commemorative bottle of 10 will sell for $10.

"We initially started our over the counter campaign for Viagra in support of National Impotence Day in Britain which coincides with Valentine's Day on February 14,"  stated Boots spokeswoman Claire Stafford. "We had lots of safety precautions in place, including screenings for blood pressure and consultation with a pharmacist before dispensing Viagra.  Then Pfizer found out about our intentions and pointed out that our precautions may scare away some men who might otherwise want to try it.  That's when they came up with the marketing plan for the lower dose."

Gone is the trademark blue color of the Viagra tablet.  The commemorative heart-shaped tablets come in a variety of pastel colors with the Pfizer logo on one side and traditional conversation heart clever sayings on the other.

"It's quite clever what they've come up with," continued Stafford, "and if anyone desires, they are chewable and quite tasty. They have, however, been edited for content somewhat.  The traditional "eat me" that everyone always loved to come across has been removed... we are, after all, promoting an anti-impotence drug."

The AMA is urging consumers to maintain caution in using the over the counter Viagra, insisting that severe side effects such as priapism, stroke, and blindness might indeed still occur.

"Theoretically, if someone actually consumed the entire contents of one of the commemorative bottles, they might be exposed to the effects of one of the 50 mg standard Viagra doses," stated a Pfizer spokesperson reached for comment. "But why would someone do that? We're just trying to reach out to everyone who thinks that they might benefit from our product."

Pfizer stated that it anticipated that the Viagra Valentine would be on pharmacy shelves worldwide today in time for Valentine's Day tomorrow, and that they looked forward to brisk sales during a holiday in which love is truly blind.

 

02/12/07 John Howard Accuses Dixie Chicks of Aid to Al Qaeda

Sydney, Australia (APE) - Immediately after the Dixie Chicks win of five Grammy awards last night, Australian Prime Minister John Howard stepped forward to accuse the group of providing aid and comfort to Al Qaeda, and banned them from any appearances in Australia. Howard, along with his secretary for the treasury Peter Costello, produced for reporters a case of Dixie Chicks CDs of their recent album which they claim the Australian government had intercepted and was headed for Iraq.

"We may have received some flak from the Obama business, but here is conclusive proof," stated Howard. "Rest assured that Australia will do its part in the war on terror and everything within its power to provide for the safety of its troops."

Howard refused to comment further over Democratic presidential candidate Barak Obama's suggestion that Australia might consider increasing its troop presence in Iraq to cover the 20,000 additional forces that the Bush administration insists are needed. He stated only that he refused to play politics with Australian soldiers lives.

The Dixie Chicks last night won the five Grammy awards that they were nominated for, in what many have suggested is a public affirmation of their continued stance against the Bush administration and the war in Iraq. A spokesperson for the Dixie chicks stated that they had no comment in regards to Howard's statement and stated only that "they were not ready to play nice".

 

02/09/07 Colbert Steps Forward to Claim Anna Nicole's Baby

Hollywood, FL (Rotters) - A tearful right-wing pundit Stephen Colbert stepped forward in Hollywood today to become the fourth man to claim paternity over five month old Dannielyn after the tragic death of mother Anna Nicole Smith yesterday. Colbert joins Smith lawyer Howard K. Stern, photographer Larry Birkhead, and Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor as claimants of fatherhood to a five month old now orphaned little girl who may reportedly be worth over 500 million dollars.

Colbert produced photographs of the couple and daughter recently after her birth. He claimed that the relationship was kept secret out of concerns from campaign staffers as to how it would affect his candidacy for the vice presidency in 2008 in conjunction with running mate Jon Stewart.

Fighting back tears, Colbert went on to explain how he became romantically involved with Nicole Smith last year while he was covering her Supreme Court case in Washington as a reporter for the Daily Show. "She was a powerful woman," Colbert said of Smith, "the flesh was willing and the mind was weak."

Colbert went on to scoff at the claims of others stating that he was confident that genetic testing would bear his version of events out.  When asked if he felt that this new revelation would adversely affect the Stewart/Colbert '08 campaign or his marriage, Colbert insisted that to the contrary, his actions were reflective of traditional conservative Republican family values and would be an asset to the campaign.

"I'm not in this for the money, folks," Colbert vowed to reporters. "This lonely abandoned little girl needs a family...  a mother, a father, and a little brother. Dannielyn is going to grow up right alongside baby Stephen and they'll play in the same cage... unless, it turns out she's allergic to feathers."

The Hollywood Medical Examiner's Office stated that it was looking into hiring extra staff to handle blood testing and other paperwork over the next week as it anticipated paternity claims would continue to swell.

 

02/08/07 Bush Rallies Support for Pork Initiative

Luray, VA (APE) - President Bush took a leisural helicopter ride to Shenandoah National Forest in an attempt to rally public support for his plan to pump millions out of some of America's national parks.

"I hope the citizens groups who are concerned about national parks are able to volunteer their time to repair all the nasty trails and remind Congress about what we have done and need to continue to do as good shepherds of our own natural resources," the president said.

Bush trumpeted the fact that his new budget reallocates $230 million more from within the $2.4 billion National Parks budget than he requested last year. The funding largely will come from existing budgets for construction and waste management and go towards repairs for crumbling facilities and growing pollution problems. With the proposed selloff of oil and mineral rights in other national parks and subsequent downsizing of actual wilderness area, the president predicted that by 2008 the budget for the Park service would become revenue neutral.

Bush also called for $100 million in federal funds to match corporate ventures into oil and mineral rights management and day to day operations for the parks.

"Congress needs to hear loud and clear how important this issue of oil addiction is," Bush stated.

 

02/08/07 5000 Year Old Couple Declared Gay

ROME (Rotters) - Archaeologists in the northern Italian city of Mantova today declared conclusively that the 5000 year old couple recently discovered buried in an embrace was indeed homosexual.

"It's not so much of an extraordinary case," stated Elena Menotti, the archaeologist in charge of the dig, "given the ancient cultural acceptance of homosexuality before the appearance of Christianity."

Initially it was felt by the team that the two were almost certainly a man and woman, but closer scrutiny of pelvic measurements showed that both skeletons were more consistent with the male sex.

"I must say that when we discovered them, we all had high hopes that this might be a heterosexual couple, but it just didn't pan out," Menotti told Rotters.

Researchers will now be tasked with uncovering the cause of death for the couple. Archaeologists at the site assured reporters that damage to the remains were most likely not the result of violence or trauma, as might be suspected in this day and age, but more likely due to the ravages of time.

 

02/07/07 Haggard Disappointed over Public Response to Snickers Super Bowl AD

Phoenix, AZ (UPSI) - Newly declared heterosexual Ted Haggard came forward today to register his displeasure with the American public over condemnation of a recent Snickers Super Bowl ad in which he appeared. Mars Inc. was caught off guard by a tidal wave of public anger over the commercial which depicts an accidental kiss between two males. The company immediately pulled the ad campaign after overwhelming complaints that it was anti-gay. Haggard took issue with the public outcry, stating that he felt his performance reflected a natural, humorous and "completely heterosexual" situational response.

The Snickers ad was one of a number of recent attempts by the disgraced pastor of the New Life Church in Colorado to parlay his celebrity and notoriety.  Most recently Haggard had been a spokesmodel for an Australian brand of underwear called the Wonderjock. Haggard, a staunch anti-gay Christian, was forced out of his 22 year position as founding pastor of the 14,000 member mega-church after revelations that he had been involved in a three-year sexual relationship with a male escort from Denver.

Haggard recently declared himself completely and totally heterosexual after an intensive three-week spiritual retreat in Phoenix, and continues to receive ongoing Christian counseling.  In an e-mail to friends Haggard stated that he was now considering a career in psychology in order to combat the profession's progressive attitudes towards homosexuality from within and conform it to the teachings of the Bible and the example of Jesus.

"I really enjoyed doing the Snickers commercial," stated Haggard.  "There is a sense of camaraderie, I suppose, that develops between actors in that kind of situation.  There were a lot of takes, and a lot of candy bars in order to get the scene just right.  It's a scientific fact that chocolate has chemical compounds that are similar to methamphetamine and stimulate sexual feelings, so it was a little tough on me. I'm just really disappointed with the American public that there is such intolerance for heterosexual feelings."

A spokesman for Mars Inc. stated that the Haggard/Snickers ad campaign had been pulled completely and would not return. He stated that the failed ad had in actuality been a positive learning experience for the corporation and that they had no idea of the extent to which their candies and other products were utilized by the gay and lesbian community. Plans were underway to revamp some older products and aggressively target this newly discovered market. The spokesman stated that the public could look for a new "Brokeback Mounds" bar in the near future, which promised to turn coconut haters into coconut lovers.

 

02/06/07 Iranian Diplomat Beheaded in Iraq

Washington, DC (Rotters) - After an earlier denial of American involvement in the supposed kidnapping of Iranian diplomat Jalal Shararfi, President Bush early this morning was presented the head of Mr. Sharafi by Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki. Bush praised the Maliki government for what it described as increasing signs that the Iraqis were toughening their stance on an out-of-control insurgency.

"The Islamic Republic of Iran strongly condemns this aggressive act which is in violation of international law," the official Islamic Republic news agency was quoted as saying. "Iran holds American forces in Iraq responsible for the safety and life of the Iranian diplomat."

The Iranian government claimed Sharafi was in Baghdad in order to promote a banking and financial agreement between the two countries. The White House claimed that it was investigating the incident and offered that there appeared to be good information that Sharafi was instead attempting to coordinate the transfer of sophisticated centrifuges out of Iraq for use in Iran's fledgling nuclear program.

The White House again stood by its authorization for US troops to kill or capture Iranian agents within Iraq. "We will fight them in Iraq today so that we might not have to fight them in Iran tomorrow," President Bush said to reporters in attending. "A mushroom cloud may be the only warning that they'll get unless we can all just keep our heads."

 

02/04/07 Bush briefly surveys Tornado Damage in Central Florida

Orlando, FL (APE) - President Bush made a flyover aboard Marine One and surveyed the damage to Paisley Florida and other cities in the wake of a string of severe thunderstorms and tornadoes which occurred earlier this week. He assailed Democrats for delaying his ability to be able to personally inspect the damage, citing his insisted upon appearance at a House Democratic retreat yesterday in Williamsburg, Virginia.

Bush spoke to a number of reporters and survivors in Paisley and responded to questions in regards to the uncharacteristic winter timing of the storms and their possible relation to concerns over global warming. Bush condemned the activities of former Vice President Al Gore, citing what he called "environmental and economic terrorism" that would likely delay federal government relief reaching the people of Florida.

"A lot of these good people are not going to be able to get insurance now," stated Bush.  "Nobody wants to insure anything if they're convinced another tornado or hurricane is going to come along.  Our economy is fragile but strong right now and we can't have businesses threatened by a lot of environmental rumor mongering."

Bush stated that he looked forward to working with his brother over the coming weeks in an effort to alleviate the suffering of the storm’s survivors.  A pool reporter then pointed out that the president's brother was no longer the governor of Florida.

"Oh yeah... heh, heh… my bad,” stated Mr. Bush.  Bush then immediately climbed aboard Marine One and departed for Washington.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist publicly thanked the White House for their concerns, but then stated that they would be sending a bill for the cost of the president's security while in Florida.

 

02/03/07 Hadley Calls Civil War Inadequate Description of Iraq

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Presidential security adviser Stephen Hadley yesterday, in a news conference at the White House, steadfastly maintained that the Bush administration was correct in its insistence that the conflict in Iraq cannot be referred to as a civil war.  Answering questions from reporters, Hadley stated that the recently released National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) on Iraq was far rosier than some of its misleading language would have some reporters believe. He insisted that the White House had taken great care to have the document reflect what the president believes is the true situation and that it was being interpreted incorrectly by the press.

In response to direct questions from reporters in regards to the White House's refusal to use the term "civil war", Hadley insisted that while that term might have been appropriate at some point in the past, the conflict was now far more complicated than just a civil war. He stated that the White House was determined at this point to merely give facts to the public and not labels.

A reporter then followed up with a question asking Hadley bluntly if the term “Apocalypse” might be more appropriate.

"No, no, that is not what the NIE says," Hadley responded. "You ought to be very clear about that. Certainly, much of the chaos and destruction in Iraq might resemble an apocalypse, but what point does it serve to mistakenly label it this way, bringing a Christian term into the middle of an Islamic tinderbox? It does a disservice to our men and women in uniform and emboldens the enemy.  If we leave Iraq before the job is done... and we won't... the world will be facing Armageddon.  Theoretically, if anyone is around to still debate the topic, perhaps at that point they might be justified in describing the current situation in Iraq as fitting the criteria for "apocalyptic".

 

 

02/02/07  Poxuponye Dick Sees Shadow: One More Year of War for America

White Sulfur Springs, WV (APE) - February 2, it's that time of year again... it's Chicken Hawk Day!  Every year the sleepy little resort called the Greenbrier is flooded with reporters to a secret undisclosed location. Amidst much celebration and ceremony, America's official Chicken Hawk is awakened from his deep sleep and dragged from his secure bunker to see if he will be able to see his shadow.

Tradition maintains that if the Chicken Hawk is unable to see his shadow and react in fear, America will be treated to a rapid and early peace. If the Chicken Hawk instead, sees his shadow, America will face another year of warfare and bloodshed.

At approximately 4 a.m. Eastern Standard Time America's official Chicken Hawk, Poxuponye Dick was awakened, dressed, and coaxed from the bowels of his bunker into the black of the predawn night. Many have felt in the last two years that officials have pushed back the hour for the ceremony repeatedly in an effort to put an end to the suffering of America. Reporters and photographers this year were forbidden from using spotlights or flashes.

At approximately 4:15 a.m., after allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness, Poxuponye Dick sneered, and declared that he could make out his shadow on the ground in the light of the setting, nearly full moon, and shuffled back into his bunker without further comment.

All across Iraq and Afghanistan, a familiar and pervasive sense of déjà vu settled in as more civilians and American servicemen were killed needlessly in mindless acts of violence. America braced itself for yet another cold, hard year of insanity as the president, for the sixth time, increased the number of servicemen headed into harms way in the Middle East.

 

 

02/01/07 Potter to Live after Final Book released in July says Rowling

London, England (Rotters) - To the relief of millions of fans worldwide, author JK Rowling today announced that "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” would be released on July 21, and that the series’ main character, Harry Potter would indeed live.

Bloomsbury Publishing PLC also announced that it had concluded a multimillion dollar five book agreement with Rowling which will enable her to leave behind her successful series of children's books and branch out into Gothic Romance. A spokesperson for Bloomsbury stated that they were looking forward to the continued relationship and felt that Rowling would be an eminently successful romance writer given that she had an avid readership which she has groomed through the Harry Potter series.

Rowling announced that while two characters would certainly die in the final Harry Potter book, the main characters Harry Potter, and Hermione Granger would live on to star in her first Gothic Romance entitled "Harry Potter Bewitching Hour”. She admitted that she had been influenced by the pleas from two fellow American authors, John Irving and Stephen King who had insisted that Potter be allowed to live.

"I've made the decision to continue my advocacy for children and adolescents up through adulthood," stated Rowling. "I tried to take a bold step in the last three books in the realistic portrayal of adolescent emotions and sexual awakenings and to assure young readers that it was okay to anticipate and experience these feelings. This new series is just the next logical step for my characters and my writing."

Rowling refused to give further details for the initial book and the relationship between Potter and Granger, stating that everything was in the planning stages.  She did, however, indicate that she had plans to take on the challenge of introducing and advocating for responsible sexuality and birth control in the series.

 

 

01/31/07 David Hasselhoff detained as Germany hands down 13 CIA Related Indictments

Berlin, Germany (Rotters) - Transplanted American singing sensation and television star David Hasselhoff was arrested early today by German police as the government followed through with the arrest of 13 reported CIA operatives.  The arrests are as a result of investigations into the kidnapping and subsequent torture of German citizen Khaled Masri in January of 2004.

The Masri case, as well as the US government's maintenance of illegal detention centers in Europe has soured relations between the United States and Germany. Other indictments filed today include charges against four pilots, a medic, and other members of what German government officials are calling a CIA operations unit. The indictments occurred as the Italian government is reportedly considering similar arrests for 26 Americans and nine Italians in the kidnapping and torture of Egyptian cleric Abu Omar.

The German government claimed that the high-profile actor/singer’s resurrected European career and popularity were largely "window dressing" and funded indirectly by the CIA itself. They also claimed that the CIA was responsible for the recent attempt at turning Hasselhoff's 1989 hit "Looking for Freedom" into the number one downloaded single on UK music charts.

A publicist for Hasselhoff dismissed the charges as ridiculous. "The man has an earlier role as an actor driving around in a super sophisticated spy car and everyone does all paranoid," he said. "David is a talented and hard-working man who has divested himself of American influence, and has earned his European success on his own."

 

 

01/31/07 Harry Potter Stars Pose Nude

London, England (O! Online) - Actors Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson who play Harry Potter and Hermione Granger in the movie adaptation of author JK Rowling's eminently popular children's book series have stunned fans and parents alike by apparently posing in a tasteful nude photo spread. Radcliffe had done so in order to promote his upcoming appearance in an onstage production of Equus. Watson apparently joined him in the photo spread as a show of support, although she does not appear in the production.

Other members of the cast of the phenomenally popular Harry Potter movie series have expressed their support for Radcliffe, and are said to be considering nude photo spreads as well. Maggie Smith and Alan Rickman who play professors Minerva McGonagle and Severus Snape will likely be the next to pose provided negotiations are concluded to their liking. Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley is rumored to be upset over Radcliffe and Watson's actions and said to be a holdout at this point.

Radcliffe's publicist was unapologetic to critics who condemned the actor’s decision to appear nude onstage and in the photo spread. "This is strictly a career move for Daniel," he said. “He’s getting older and he really doesn't want to be trapped in the role of Harry Potter for the rest of his life. He felt that he also needed to make a statement in regard to what he feels is the rubbish of public attitudes towards nudity."

Thus far the response from diehard fans has been overwhelmingly positive.  "Things are going to be different from now on," said 16-year-old Radcliffe fan Fawn Overheim.

Dr. James Dobson of the "Focus on the Family" Institute expressed his organization’s outrage at what they considered outright pornography. "We've been trying to warn people about this whole book series for years," stated Dobson. "People should come to expect this from Satanic worship. I feel for this young man and woman who have now become ruined by this, and to say nothing of the small children that they have disappointed and influenced. It's frightening that children will now have to consider nudity and sexuality as something healthy."

 

01/29/07 Iranian President Apprehended in Massive Iraqi/American Combined Raid in Baghdad

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was taken into American custody after a raid yesterday on an Iraqi government minister's compound in Baghdad. The raid was a smaller part of an overall larger operation conducted by a combined task force comprised of both Iraqis and Americans. The operation, dubbed "nuclear file" also resulted in the deaths of 300 Sunni insurgents determined to attack the holy city of Najaf.

Iran has protested the detention of Ahmadinejad, insisting that the president was visiting in a strictly diplomatic sense, exploring the possibility of increased assistance to Iraq in regards to its economic infrastructure and security. Iran is reportedly proposing opening a branch of the Iranian national Bank in Baghdad, and funding a number of reparation projects nationwide.

American military authorities refused to divulge the exact whereabouts of the Iranian president, but stated that he was currently undergoing interrogation.

US State Department officials released a statement claiming that Ahmadinejad would likely be held indefinitely as questioning continues. They further went on to claim that the Iranian president was, in actuality, involved in a centrifuge for anti-tank missile deal with rogue Shia elements of the Iraqi government. The proposed deal would involve trading sophisticated centrifuges from Saddam's previous nuclear program which had been successfully hidden away during the search for weapons of mass destruction for Iranian Soviet built anti-tank weapons.

"Economic and political cooperation is not the answer to Iraq," stated a White House spokesperson. "America has been down that road before and this is just further evidence of the correctness of the president's military final solution for the middle east."

 

01/26/07 Libby Trial Leads to Cheney Arrest

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Early this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney was taken into custody by federal marshals from an undisclosed location in Washington.  The vice president was apparently taken into custody under orders from federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald as a result of recent disclosures during the trial of Cheney's former assistant, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Libby is currently on trial for charges of perjury in regards to the investigation into the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Cheney also has only been charged with perjury at this point.

A spokesperson for federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald stated that the decision to formally arrest and charge the vice president came as a result of new information and damning disclosures from the opening days of the trial. Yesterday, Cathy Martin a former Cheney communications director confirmed the administration's embarrassing close associations with particular reporters as well as the administration's long suspected use of the tactic of the "Friday news dump".

"When you actually bring a case to trial, it begins to look a little different," stated the Fitzgerald spokesperson. "What once used to look like a weak case against someone may look a little stronger based on the strength of your witness testimony."

Ironically, the vice president reportedly had stated that he would agree to testify for the defense on behalf of his former assistant.

"With the direction of the testimony over the last few days, we felt like we just couldn't take the chance that Mr. Cheney might renege," stated Fitzgerald's spokesperson. "New evidence has also come to light that has convinced us that we now have a viable case against the vice president."

Rumors have been circulating that Fitzgerald may have begun negotiating with the Libby defense team after the first few days of opening testimony, in which Libby may be seeking a plea bargain in return for testimony. Fitzgerald's spokesperson refused to confirm or deny the rumor, stating cryptically that "the Aspen does appear to be changing".

 

01/25/06 White House Installs New Military Ray Gun

Washington, DC (APE) - Visitors and tourists of the White House today were treated to a newly modified skyline atop the oval office. On advice of the president himself, White House security has adopted the newly unveiled Raytheon microwave crowd control technology.  The president was said to have taken a personal interest in the security update, possibly recognizing its importance in light of growing domestic unrest in regards to his continued refusal to bend to the will of the American public and withdraw from Iraq.

The high-tech "ray gun" emits what are called millimeter waves which are said to barely penetrate the top surface layer of the skin and induce a sudden 130° change in temperature discomforting enough to theoretically force a crowd to disperse.

While much of the new system is classified as secret, Raytheon technicians reportedly spent weeks synchronizing the system with existing video monitoring equipment which is being fed into the White House situation room. With the touch of a button, an operator is said to be able to bring the non-lethal ray gun to bear on any line of sight target within 500 yards of the White House.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated that the president was excited about the new technology, and described Mr. Bush as "a kid with a new toy". Snow went on to say that the president had found some creative new uses for the technology, having just this morning cleared a path through the snow on the east lawn to Marine One. He then used it to gently warm a homeless man sleeping in the doorway to an office building across the street from the White House. He has also reportedly enjoyed playfully chasing Barney and Miss Beazley around the grounds from the comfort of the oval office. "The president is looking forward to inviting key members of the new Democratically  controlled Congress to the White House for a demonstration of the technology," said Snow.

Snow added that the White House is looking into the feasibility of expanding its security perimeter with the installation of a unit across the street atop the Washington Monument.

"Superior technology has always been the saving grace of the United States," concluded Snow. "The fruition of this device should serve as a prime example to the American taxpayer that not all of the hard work and research undertaken by this administration in Guantánamo Bay and Abu Ghraib will be in vain. What we have achieved is a new weapon in the war on terror, which may also make previous forms of extreme coercive interrogation obsolete."

 

01/23/07 Wesley Autrey Repeats Act of Bravery at SOTU Address

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Wesley Autrey, the famed subway hero, tonight found himself in an identical situation in the nation's capital and again reacted instinctively in an act of selfless bravery. He is being credited by witnesses present with this time saving the life of President George W. Bush.

As the president's State of the Union address was winding down in Congress, an alert Autrey took notice of the president's obliviousness to the bus of public opinion within the building barreling down upon him. As a bipartisan group of senators actually tossed the president under the bus, Autrey leapt to the president's aid, wrapping him in the safety of his own heroism as the bus passed over the two of them, leaving them both unharmed.

"I just reacted," stated Autrey, " I don't think what I did was heroic atin all.  But I've got to tell you, this was spooky... like Yogi Berra said, 'déjà vu all over again'...  I'm probably going to have nightmares about this."

Presidential aide Karl Rove stated that the president had expressed his profound thanks to Autrey, and insisted that the president was uninjured but just a little shaken. Rove announced that the White House had subsequently seized all videotape from networks telecasting the speech up to the incident in question. "We will be conducting a painstaking investigation in cooperation with the Secret Service and FBI," stated Rove, "we have some good leads, and with the help of the videotape we are confident that we will be able to identify and bring to justice all those involved with this attempt at throwing the president under the bus, particularly the Republicans."

 

01/23/07 First Lady and Barney Sign on With Senate Republicans Seeking to Stop Troop Escalation

Washington, DC (APE) - First Lady Laura Bush and first dogs Barney and Miss Beazley today signed on with a bipartisan Senate sponsored resolution criticizing the president for his plans to escalate the number of troops in Iraq. The president has famously maintained his belief in the correctness of his actions despite growing public condemnation, stating that he would stay America's course in Iraq even if the only remaining people supporting him were his wife and his dog. This position seems to have been dealt a very severe setback on the evening before his State of the Union address.

The first lady appeared in a news conference with Senators John Warner (R-VA), Bill Nelson (D-FL) and Susan Collins (R-ME) to announce their largely symbolic opposition to the president's plans. This becomes the third bipartisan public condemnation in as many days.

Mrs. Bush stated that she and the dogs would begin an immediate withdrawal and strategic redeployment, returning only when the president is able to step up and make the commitment to govern himself and the country effectively. She cited a specific set of benchmarks and a timetable for the White House loosely adapted from an earlier House of Representatives proposal for Iraq.

A tearful President Bush was seeing leaving late Monday afternoon for for a last-minute trip to Camp David with White House staffers.  It was rumored that the president's State of the Union speech had drawn heavily on his wife and dogs as comic relief in outlining what is largely expected to be a use of domestic issues as a massive distraction from the situation in Iraq. The White House insisted that a major rewrite was not underway, but that the president was merely attempting to make sure that he got this one right.

 

01/21/07 Lame Plots Keep Callin' for More Dead

Lame Plots Keep Callin' for More Dead
         (...with apologies to BJ Thomas)


Lame plots keep callin' for more dead
And just hike the lie defeat will leave the country bled
It’s just a croc of shit
Those lame plots keep callin' for more dead, they keep callin'...

So we just said we were walkin' with the son
And we said we sorta liked the way he’d get things won
Cheap and so macabre
Those lame plots keep callin' for more dead, they keep callin'...

But here's the thing you know
With news we’ll bend so sweetly and discretely
We won't belong when truthiness comes out completely

Lame plots keep callin' for more dead
But that doesn't mean our lies won’t soon be causin' dread
Whinin’ for a surge
'Cause they’re never gonna clog the drain just complainin'
Unless they purge
It’s just a funeral dirge

[instrumental]

We won't belong when truthiness comes out completely

Lame plots keep callin' for more dead
But that doesn't mean our lies can’t keep the country led
On a killin’ spree
'Cause they’re never gonna clog the drain just complainin'
The cause is greed
Oil is never for free...

 

 

01/19/07 Colbert Receives O'Reilly Campaign Endorsement and Contribution

New York, NY (Rotters) - Stephen Colbert last night capped off a successful dual appearance with Fox news commentator and pundit Bill O'Reilly with a resounding endorsement and campaign contribution from O'Reilly himself.  O'Reilly ended Colbert's broadcast last night with a surprise presentation of a check for $50,000 to the Stewart/Colbert 08 campaign.  O'Reilly is the latest in a long list of celebrities to endorse the growing campaign to place Stewart and Colbert in the White House in 2008.

O'Reilly thanked Colbert for his steadfast support, and declared the campaign officially vetted by Fox News Security. The oversized check was affectionately made out to "Baby Bear", a nod to Colbert's frequent referral to O'Reilly as "Papa Bear".

"I'm happy to support this refreshing, bipartisan campaign," stated O'Reilly, "we had a little bit of cash still sitting around after the settlement over the falafel incident, and I thought why not put it to good use."

The normally stoic Colbert was seen to tear up a bit and was momentarily speechless.  "I pledge to you, papa bear, that this campaign is going to go to Washington and to make that bed that all these politicians are laying in just right," Colbert finally said emotionally.

Colbert went on to say that the $50,000 would likely go towards a campaign bus, complete with wet bar and sleeping facilities. The cash-strapped Stewart/Colbert campaign had previously been relying on an abandoned General Motors EV-1 for transportation.

After the show, Colbert gleefully returned a microwave which he had stolen in jest from the ready room at Fox News Studios earlier in the evening after his appearance on O'Reilly's program. Fox security denied rumors that 1.5 million in cash traced to Republican National Campaign Headquarters had been found hidden in the microwave.

 

01/18/07 Microsoft to Sue Apple over I-Phone

Redmond, WA (APE) - Multibillionaire and founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, today announced that he is pursuing legal recourse against Apple Inc. in regards to their recent rollout of the iPhone. He stated that Microsoft would be pursuing an undisclosed sum in punitive damages from Apple, claiming that Microsoft was the victim of industrial espionage, and that the entire concept of the iPhone was stolen from them.

Gates then unveiled the zPhone, a multifunction cellular phone based upon Microsoft's Zune handheld multimedia platform. The Zune was released late last year as Microsoft's response to the popular and ever-expanding Apple iPod. Gates claimed that the zPhone would feature a mobile version of Microsoft's newest operating system, Windows Vista. He also stated that the revolutionary phone would be able to run and utilize an Apple operating system and software if the consumer so desired.

Gates refused to speculate as to how Apple accomplished the theft of his innovations, but stated lawyers for Microsoft felt that the decision to give away thousands of the Zune devices as a promotional gimmick may have had something to do with it. Gates maintained that Windows Vista would be released at the end of the month on schedule, and that Microsoft engineers were confident the theft of the zPhone did not represent a significant security threat to the overall operating system.

Apple founder Steve Jobs was reached for comment, and dismissed Microsoft's suit outright as ludicrous. "When you're number two and trying harder just doesn't seem to work, I guess you just cheat,"  stated Jobs.

 

 

01/18/07 Fitz Fired! Caught Up in Bush Administration US Attorney Purge

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Before jury selection in the I Lewis "Scooter" Libby trial could be completed early this morning, the staff of US Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald announced that he had been dismissed by the Bush Administration. Fitzgerald became the twelfth US Attorney to be suddenly dismissed by the Bush Administration in the last few weeks. The Bush Administration appeared to be taking advantage of a clause hidden within the Patriot Act which allowed the President to make indefinite interim appointments to the positions without going through congressional confirmation. California Senator Dianne Feinstein had complained on the senate floor on Tuesday, arguing that the recent dismissal of two California attorneys was politically motivated.

US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales expressed surprise and concern at the allegations of administration impropriety.  "I had a good talk with Patrick, and I am not at liberty to go into specifics," stated Gonzales, "but I can say that some small degree of burn-out might have been involved in his decision to step down. This in no way prohibits Scooter's case from going forward, and in fact we are anticipating a rapid resolution... I will be personally taking this one on to ensure that justice is done."

President Bush met with Libby in the Oval office early this morning in an attempt to diffuse controversy over the development. It was reportedly the first meeting between the two since Libby resigned over his role in the Valerie Plame affair. White House sources stated that the President assured Libby justice would be as swift as possible, and pardoned him for any inconvenience that Fitzgerald's dismissal had caused.

 

 

01/17/07 Doomsday Clock Goes Nuclear

Washington, DC (APE) - The doomsday clock, the symbolic timepiece maintained by the magazine, "The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" which monitors the theoretical threat of global nuclear catastrophe has been replaced by a fully functional high-tech atomic timepiece. A spokesperson for the magazine stated that the high-tech makeover was long overdue, and that the added functions of the new device should provide an even more powerful message to a computer savvy generation.

The group stated in a news release that the clock would be set at five minutes until midnight, or 11:55 p.m. representing an advance of two minutes progression towards nuclear disaster from the old symbolic analog clock. They speculated that the clock's automatic recalculation was more likely related to last-minute angry rhetoric from the Bush administration rather than any nuclear programs in Iran or North Korea.

"Many children can't even read a clock face, so the concept of advancing hands on a timepiece means very little to them. Today's faster paced generation tends to follow through with things at the last minute, so we've also added a feature that calculates doomsday to the split-second." stated the release.

The release goes on to claim that the new clock is fully functional, and automatically remains synchronized with International Atomic Time. Doomsday is also displayed and individually calculated for all time zones throughout the world. The timepiece also takes advantage of the Internet, coordinating with the computational power of millions of individual computers online to produce a theoretical date for Armageddon which is also displayed. The predicted ambient temperature for Ground Zero at the time of annihilation is also displayed alternately in both Fahrenheit and Celsius. The most recent up-to-the-minute calculation for doomsday appears to be Monday, February 26 of next month.

"We hope that this will be a stark reminder for a digital generation that has not known the fear of possible nuclear annihilation," stated an editor for the magazine. "We place all of our hope in the youth of the world. Right now they are probably the only ones who are capable of resetting  or reprogramming this thing."

 

01/16/07 Castro Accidentally Decapitated, Doctors Say Improving

Havana, Cuba (UPSI) - Spanish surgeon José Luis Garcia Sabrido today held a press conference with the severed yet apparently still alive head of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. The lifetime dictator was unable to speak but responded to questions from gathered reporters by blinking his eyes and moving his lips.  Sabrido admitted that Castro had been accidentally decapitated late yesterday by health care attendants who are attempting to reposition him in bed.  Sabrido insisted that the current situation was still only a minor setback in what he felt would be an eventual complete recovery by Cuba's legendary leader, and again stated that Castro did not have cancer.

The accidental decapitation apparently came as a result of a fourth surgical procedure late this weekend to attempt to address complications from three previous abdominal surgeries. While the Cuban government refuses to confirm the stories, most experts feel that Castro had been suffering from diverticulitis, and had undergone an initial corrective surgery which resulted in peritonitis.  Two subsequent surgeries including a controversial Chinese transplant procedure ultimately failed resulting in a last-ditch effort this weekend, in which part of Castro's esophagus was harvested in an attempt to repair his bowel.  Sabrido stated that this procedure had left Castro with a significantly weakened cervical area which contributed to the accidental decapitation late yesterday.

Castro was described as being in "serious but very stable condition".  The dictator and his body are being maintained with IV fluids, until  they gain some strength for a further anastomosis procedure that will be attempted next week. Through a series of eye blinks to reporters, Castro assured the people of Cuba that he was still completely in charge, and had faith in his doctors for his ultimate recovery.  Castro went on to say that a planned meeting with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez would continue as scheduled later this week.

 

01/15/07 Bush Announces Aggressive Iraqi Public Education Initiative

Washington, DC (APE) - Expanding on an appearance last night on CBS's 60 minutes, President Bush today announced that the administration would begin an aggressive campaign called "No Iraqi Left Behind", which is designed to educate Americans as to the importance of sticking with the administration's newly announced surge plan in Iraq. Bush stated yesterday in an interview with CBS's Scott Pelley that the role of president is ever changing and that sometimes you have to be, "the educator in chief".

In a press conference this morning, Bush proclaimed victory over the debate in regards to the course of action in Iraq, citing his critics' inability to come up with any better plan over the weekend. He then called on Congress to sign on board in a bipartisan manner with his newly unveiled "No Iraqi Left Behind" public educational legislation.

"Early this morning we reviewed the executions of Saddam co-defendants Barzan Ibrahim and Awad Hamed al-Bandar," stated Bush, " and while flawed by a technical decapitation, we found the hangings to be a vast improvement over that of Saddam Hussein. Iraqi justice is making slow and steady progress with our newly established educational benchmarks."

The president went on to explain that "No Iraqi Left Behind" would be an ongoing combined project between the Department of Homeland Security and Department of Defense. Its two-pronged goal will be to educate the American public as to the importance of keeping American servicemen in Iraq as well as educating the Iraqi government and population in regards to the importance for equal and swift justice. Funding for the project would would come from congressional funds set aside for special investigations and oversight, which have remained unused for the last six years. Citing the importance of an educated public, Bush stated that the funds would be reverted back into investigation and oversight as the public and Congress became more informed.

With a nod towards the late Martin Luther King Jr., President Bush concluded by saying, "I have a dream where all of Allah's children, Sunis and Shias are equal, and beholden to a swift American and democratic style of justice. Then we will all be able to say, free at last, free at last... Hot damn! We're free at last!"

 

01/12/06 Tearful Bush Recognizes Air Force Sergeant's Sacrifice with Medal

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a quiet ceremony today, President Bush recognized the efforts of Air Force Staff Sergeant Michelle Manhart with a Medal of Freedom. Manhart will be appearing in the February issue of Playboy magazine due to hit newsstands this week.  The magazine features a partially clothed as well as completely nude picture of Manhart in a feature article entitled "Tough Love".  As a result of the controversial spread, Manhart has been relieved of her duties at Lackland Air Force Base.

A tearful Bush apologized for the heavy-handed response of Manhart's superiors and promised to make sure she was reinstated as the behavior of the commanding officer in question was investigated.

"I've spoken to a lot of our fine young men who are now serving their third and fourth tours in Iraq," stated Bush.  "The number one thing that virtually all of them have said that they enjoy the most in care packages from home is pornography. Sergeant Manhart has made a real personal sacrifice that should not go unrecognized, and my resolve has stiffened thanks to her."

Manhart, a mother with two children, has been in the Air Force since 1994, and has actually spent time in the Middle East theater, serving in Kuwait in 2002. Under the president's recent announcement of a troop surge of 21,000, Pentagon sources stated that there was a high likelihood of Manhart's deployment to Iraq.

"Tough love is a fairly nice description of this administration's new way forward in Iraq, as we attempt to get the Iraqi leadership to stop jerking around,"  concluded Bush. "Sergeant Manhart is a touchstone for the freedom and American values we are attempting to foster in a new, more democratic middle east. I hope that she will serve as an example of the sacrifices that we are asking of everyone in America."

 

01/11/07 Bush Declares War on Iran

Washington, DC (APE) - With a strong show of bi-partisan support from Joe Lieberman and the Connecticut for Lieberman party, President Bush early this morning announced that a de-facto state of war now exists between Iran and the Iraqi coalition forces. An Iranian consulate in the northern Iraqi town of Irbil was raided by US forces at approximately 3AM local time practically as the president was outlining his "New Way Forward" in Iraq to the American People in a nationally televised address. Iranian personnel as well as computers and papers have been reportedly seized, but the Pentagon and the White House refused further comment on the incident, citing national security concerns.

"If any mistakes are made from this point on, they won't be my fault." Bush insisted.

Bush and Lieberman went on to emphasize the importance of the planned deployment of the patriot antimissile system to address the threat from Iran's R-27 and Shaab missile systems. The battle tested and hardened patriot system was credited in 2003 with the downing of a US Navy pilot.

Depending upon an investigation of the seized paperwork and computers, Bush went on to state that the next likely series of events would include strategic nuclear strikes launched from US aircraft carrier assets in the Persian Gulf, which would be designed to wipe out Iran's controversial nuclear enrichment facilities.

"We certainly hope this answers the criticisms from fatalistic defeatists who would claim that a surge of 21,000 troops is not enough," stated Lieberman. "We have essentially 'doubled down' with the very future of our country at stake." Lieberman then turned to Bush and gave him a kiss and a hug in a decidedly emotional display.

The news of the declaration of a state of war caught Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid somewhat flat-footed as they attempted to respond to the president's announced plans for a troop surge in Iraq last night. "Shock and awe, is all I can say," stated Pelosi.

 

01/10/07 Silly Wanker and the Victory Factory

Click  Here to visit the Victory Factory!

 

01/09/07 Gates Announces Collaboration with Toyota on Operating System

Las Vegas, NV (Rotters) -  In an opening address at Las Vegas' popular yearly CES (Consumer Electronics Show), Microsoft's Bill Gates announced a collaboration with Toyota of Japan rivaling the previously announced partnership with Ford US over an automobile operating system. In an exclusive deal, the moderately popular economy car, the Toyota Scion Xb, will now be marketed as the Scion Xbox 360. With enhanced USB-2 and wireless networking connectivity, as well as newly engineered features, Microsoft and Toyota hope to breathe new life and popularity into the controversial box shaped car.

Toyota engineers will be unveiling the revolutionary new front wheel drive/steering mechanism which will enable the Xbox 360 to literally turn on a dime.

The Scion Xbox 360 will also feature USB connectivity which will allow owners to utilize Microsoft's new driving game controls for the Xbox 360 and to "plug and play" and replace the controls that come with the car. Small-scale widescreen format LCD screens flip down on the passenger and driver side sun visors which will allow instant game connectivity in real driving time for Xbox 360 platinum subscribers. Commuters will be able to diffuse potentially dangerous road rage with an invigorating game of Halo 2 while stalled in traffic.

Gates predicted that with growing broadband wireless connectivity the new Windows-based operating system proposed for Ford Motor Company should seamlessly interface with Toyota's Xbox 360 rollout. Utilizing existing global positioning software and devices, subscribers to either service would be able to know the location of and be able to chat with other members who would be represented in real-time heads-up displays by avatars that they have uploaded to the system.

Both Ford and Toyota will seek to take advantage of Microsoft's proposed increased connectivity with continual updates to their vehicles' computer systems for security and warranty concerns. Driver data would be continually uploaded to the manufacturer in order to reward owners who adhered to vehicle guidelines, while warranties would be adjusted in real-time for those who refused to comply with recommended maintenance.

 

port01/05/07 Al-Qaeda Number Two Urges Surge in Somalia

Cairo, Egypt (Algaezebra) - In an exclusive interview today, Algaezebra videotaped a message from Egyptian born Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayaman al-Zawahiri. In a brief respite from the Jihad against the anti-Muslim crusaders, Zawahiri was meeting with friends and family in Egypt.

Zawahiri stressed to reporters that Al Qaeda remained powerful and united, despite its recent setback in the Somali capital of Mogadishu.

Zawahiri spoke to reporters just prior to teeing off on the 13th hole of an undisclosed golf course in Cairo.

"I call upon the Muslim nation in Somalia to return to the new battlefield that is one of the Crusader battlefields that are being launched by America and its allies against Islam and Muslims," al-Zawahiri said. "Sacrifice is the key, launch yourselves at them and be consumed as prey that is eaten by lions. We must meet the Americans surge for surge. Now, watch this drive, Allah be praised."

Zawahiri then calmly sank a hole-in-one on the par three 230 yard hole.

 

01/04/07 Cash Dropped on Democratic Bound Republicans in Washington

Washington, DC (APE) - Oil executives, lobbyists, and campaigners are racing to provide cash and other essentials to hundreds of stranded Republicans in the new Democratic covered Capitol building.

The Maryland National Guard resumed dropping bales of cash from the air early Thursday morning, and began trucking in funding to Republicans in the growing number of back offices that have been cleared of Democrats.

Reports of a growing storm about to hit the nation's capital have left lobbyists and special interest groups scrambling to provide for their herds. There is no estimate yet on how many careers may die in Washington.  "We think there are probably 30,000 out there at risk, that we're having to make sure that we feed."  Stated Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman, a longtime Washington rancher whose business will likely not survive the coming storm.

Republicans were already spread too thickly across the region, taking advantage of excessive funding and cash prior to a drought which seemed to set in around early November.  With the growing storm predicted to begin sometime early today and lasting over 100 hours or more, some Washington forecasters are predicting an unprecedented disaster.

K. Streeters rode with pilots to spot Republicans in need. One cash drop left drifts as high as 10 feet yesterday and crews had to use a front-end loader to scoop out the cash that had proven too much for the stranded Republican.

"We can understand peoples frustrations that we may not have been able to reach their representatives yet," Mehlman stated. "we are working diligently to reach as many Republicans as we can."

Crews dropping cash bales from military helicopters and a C-130 cargo plane are mostly seeing focus groups of 5 or 10 rather than 30 or more, Mehlman said.  "They have to be careful to drop the cash close enough to the representatives so that they don't have to venture too far out into the light of day and also try not to scare them."

One Texas-based multinational oil conglomerate stated that he had lost 300 head out of about 450 herd that he'd previously maintained. While continued tax cuts would help to maintain his company's solvency, he feared insurance would not cover his losses which he estimated at over $450 billion.

US Representative John Boehner (R -OH) a beneficiary of the airdrop was working on legislation to be introduced in the midst of today's anticipated storm, to have the entire capital declared as a disaster area and open for further relief funding.

 

 

01/03/06 Stewart/Colbert '08 Campaign Denies Releasing Giuliani Playbook

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Aides to 2008 presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani today leveled accusations at the fledgling bipartisan Stewart/Colbert campaign in regards to the recent theft and publication of Giuliani's 140 page 2008 presidential campaign playbook. Initially they had proposed that the document was covertly stolen by airport baggage handlers and photocopied by tricksters for another campaign, but they today produced photographic evidence showing Jon Stewart in possession of the disputed documents at a Giuliani press conference in New York, hours before the former mayor had left for the airport. The playbook in its entirety was subsequently released anonymously to the press, with many feeling that the revelations might ultimately be proven fatal to Giuliani's run for the presidency.

The Stewart/Colbert '08 campaign arranged for an exclusive interview for UPSI with the two candidates, in which they vehemently denied culpability.

"We're standing there for a photo op," stated presidential hopeful Jon Stewart, "and then Rudy suddenly hands me this bag, and says "Here, hold this while I straighten my tie.". What am I supposed to do? Here's the former mayor of New York City asking for a little favor... I guess he just forgot about the bag after a few pictures and some more talking. That sucker was heavy... and I got tired of holding it after a few minutes. I remember thinking, what in the heck does he have in here, a dictionary... or maybe his entire plans for capturing the presidency...?  Nah...  Stephen was standing there so I just gave it to him and followed Rudy over to the wet bar for another gin and tonic."

Vice presidential hopeful Stephen Colbert then continued the account: "I'm standing here holding the man of... no... the God of 9/11's briefcase, and I'm just in awe. Then I looked down, and I see that it's open. I'm thinking, do I contact Homeland security and risk embarrassing Rudy or just take care of the situation myself.  So while I'm trying to close and lock up the briefcase some old papers with a lot of marginal scribbling fall out.  They don't look like anything important and I remember that I need to bring home paper for baby Steven's cage.  So I stuck them in my coat pocket. A few minutes later I'm feeling a little guilty about it so I ducked into a side room at the hotel and just made a few copies to use for baby Stephen, and I put the originals back and tracked down one of Rudy's aides and gave the case to him. What happened after that, I have no knowledge.  If Rudy has been stabbed in the back by some disgruntled campaign worker, I really feel for him.  No way would any of baby Steven's handlers try to parlay any of his cage liners."

The Giuliani campaign announced that they are exploring all options to resolve the matter, and have not ruled out the possibility of suing Comedy Central and the Stewart/Colbert campaign for the $100 million lump sum that they had hoped to raise this year.

In a related story, rumors have surfaced that New Jersey mega-fundraiser Lew Eisenberg and Larry Bathgate, as well as FedEx CEO Fred Smith, reportedly mentioned in the Giuliani playbook, may be abandoning John McCain and signing on with the bipartisan Stewart/Colbert campaign.