2007 ARCHIVE

 

 

12/30/07 Disinherited Hilton to Star in New Fox Series "The Trailer Life"

 

Hollywood, CA (DMZ) - Fox Networks today announced that it has signed former heiress Paris Hilton to star in a new reality series entitled "The Trailer Life". For Hilton, this comes in the nick of time after grandfather Barron Hilton this week announced that he would be cutting Hilton out of his $2.3 billion will, donating over 97% of the estate to charity upon his death.

Fox executives stated that a deal was in the works to bring back former costar Nicole Richie to the series provided that she was able to complete pending sentencing, probation requirements, and deliver her baby in a timely manner.

The show will reportedly provide a hilarious and poignant look into the lives of once famous celebrities now forced to make choices between paying for utilities or a trip to McDonald's.

A spokesperson for Ms. Hilton chastised DMZ insisting that he no longer worked for her, and referred us directly to Ms. Hilton, who stated, "This has been just awful. I had to give Tinkerbell to Ellen Degeneres because I just couldn't afford the dog food anymore. I'm thankful to Fox for having some faith in me, unlike some family members. When life throws you lemons you make margaritas. I wouldn't count me out just yet... a lot of times, as men get older, and their memories and other things begin to fail, that's when they look for that young, trophy wife. I don't think I'm opposed to marrying into money, but the trick is going to be to find a place with fairly vague incest statutes."

Hilton went on to state that she was considering contesting her grandfather's will if she could find the right lawyer who might be willing to work pro bono.

 

 

12/29/07 Jamie-Lynn Inks $10 Million Deal with Fox for Exclusive Live Delivery Room Coverage

 

New York, NY (O! Online) - Lynne Spears, the mother of both Britney and now pregnant teenager Jamie-Lynn announced today that after intensive negotiations she agreed to sell the rights for live coverage of daughter Jamie-Lynn's labor and delivery to Fox News. The delivery is anticipated sometime this spring, and the deal has reportedly netted Jamie-Lynn and mother a cool $10 million from the Rupert Murdoch empire.

Fox's payout dwarfs that of the reported $1 million agreement for exclusive baby pictures obtained by OK! Magazine.

A Fox spokesperson stated that they planned to use at least three cameras which would bring the birth in the delivery room "up close and personal" to Jamie-Lynn's millions of fans. "This should be groundbreaking coverage," stated the spokesperson, "and the ultimate in reality television."

"We are a little concerned over the potential graphic nature of the coverage, and the fact that Ms. Spears is only 16," continued the spokesperson. "But our lawyers have assured us that with the tactful use of digitizing filters, and the overwhelming public service value in regards to teen pregnancy the coverage should offer, we're good to go."

Casey Aldridge, Spears' boyfriend, and reportedly the father of the child, spoke with O! Online about this latest development.

"I really had planned on being there for Jamie Lynn, and maybe even filming the event myself," stated Aldridge. "I've got a private tape about how it all got started, and it would be great to do a follow-up... but they're talking three cameras and a sound and lighting crew. It's kind of pushed me right out of the delivery room. I don't mind though, I guess I can just watch right along with everybody else at home."

 

 

12/27/07 Twas the Day After Christmas

 

Twas The Day After Christmas, and businesses groused

Not a customer was buying the goods they espoused;

 

The stockings marked down with the silk underwear,

At Victoria’s Secret with Heidi Klum and fanfare;

 

The children were vessels all plugged full of dread,

With visions of special toys so tainted with lead;

Mom finished her tiff, and like I gave a crap,

We steeled ourselves now, for the Mall Vender’s traps,

Moving out at pre-dawn to the Bose salesman’s chatter,

We sprang for the bread our accounts all a-tatter.

A new copy of Windows, I blew a hundred in cash,

Poor hard drive a flutter from MP3 trash.

By noon I’d the rest of the discounted fake snow

Gave Blockbuster my payday in objectified glow,

When, what to my squandering eyes should appear,

 

But a caricature sleigh, with chase lighted reindeer,

With a brittle conniver, so snidely and slick,

I knew he could foment, it must be the Veep Dick!

More vapid than regal his curses and blame,

And he bristled, and pouted, and called me such names;

“You basher! You cancer! You trasher of Nixon!

Commit! Are you stupid? Don’t ponder, forget sin!

Your cards, you must scorch! At the shops and the Malls!

Now, lay-away! Lay-away! Lay-away all!”

My dry heaves they soared from this “American” guy

Then I felt cold as a Popsicle on account of his lies,

In spite of the House Stop, the outsourcers they grew,

Making hay for the boys, and that old Veep Dick, too.

 

And then, I’d an inkling, I was spurred by the proof

The pandering and fawning o’er each major goof.

As I drew line in the sand, returning a gown

Out the stove pipe came Veep Dick, with a gun and bloodhound.

He impressed with his cur, his eyes dead and kaput

His clothes camouflaged, he did not pussyfoot;

A bundle of ploys he now slung out like flack,

And the crooked old meddler just opened his attack,

His lies… how this fink told! So simple and scary!

Double speak he imposes, his nose never varies!

His snarled little mouth has whipsawn like a pro

And the jeer in his spin, what a fright was this show:

“You chump, all this hype fights al-Qaeda, good grief!

You’re not broke, just indentured ‘til dead to the Chief!

We have a broad base, they’re a little bit smelly,

We took (then he laughed) all their jobs to New Dehli!

This Dubya’s a Gump, about as bright as a shelf,

And I laugh when I use him, in spite of myself!

Just a wink from my eye has twisted his head,

So soon, don’t you know, I’ll have everyone’s bread!”

I spoke some foul words, hoped to deflate his smirk,

But he returned all his stockings; then short-changed the clerk,

Then using his finger in surmising his prose,

And flipping a bird, up the stove pipe he rose;

A bang and a spray, from upstream, little missiles,

His scattergun blew, as to crown his epistle.

 

 

But I heard him proclaim, ere I dove out of fright,

“After Christmas is ALL, and to all a good buy.”

 

 

 

12/24/07 Norad/Google Santa Tracker goes Horribly Wrong

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Children worldwide breathed a collective sigh of relief as Santa reportedly dodged an errant anti-missile strike this evening. The Department of Defense insisted that the strike was an accident due in part to NORAD's participation with Google Earth in providing a Santa Claus tracking service this year. Santa and all of his reindeer suffered a close call but were unhurt according to North Pole sources.

"It was really a glitch in the system, nothing more," stated an anonymous NORAD spokesperson. "The computer system was on automatic and simply reacted to what it deemed was an unknown threat traveling at approximately 28,000 kph. We were actually able to detonate the missile before any harm was done."

A slightly different story was obtained from a North Pole spokesperson identifying himself simply as "Buddy".

"This is the same old game that we go through with the Department of Defense every year," chided Buddy. "Every year they come up with a different missile system, thinking that they can rule the skies, and they take their best shot. Santa's always been a step ahead. They haven't come up with anything yet that can catch him outright, and tinsel functions as excellent radar confusing chaff. They still haven't cracked Santa's state-of-the-art remote control toy technology... once airborne, he can take over anything they want to lob at him. Looks like it'll be another lump of coal for the naughty boys and girls at the Pentagon again this year."

A Department of Defense spokesperson denied the North Pole's allegations, and apologized for the incident, insisting that they would continue their hard work in insuring Santa safe passage each and every year.

 

 

12/23/07 Hillary Dumps Bill for Huckabee in Campaign Shocker

 

Des Moines, IA (APE) - In a shocking development this weekend, the Hillary Clinton for President campaign announced that she would be abandoning her husband on the campaign trail and replacing him with former Arkansas Governor and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. The Huckabee campaign stated that the former governor had agreed to the controversial move in an effort to emphasize a spirit of bipartisanship for his presidency. The surprise move comes on the heels of what many pundits have called a smear leveled at Huckabee by fellow Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney in which he referred to Huckabee and former President Bill Clinton as "interchangeable".

Many viewed the move by the Clinton campaign as an attempt to gracefully cut losses as her husband, former President Bill Clinton has arguably become a liability over a number of gaffes this past month. Huckabee also provides a readily available interface with religious voters, with whom the Clintons have been struggling.

 

The two have agreed to form a "co-presidency", alternating leadership on a regular basis if they win.

"It's a little sad, but it appears that the big dog just doesn't hunt anymore. But Hillary's still battle tested, and the only one capable of winning the general election," stated a Clinton spokesperson. "If the vaunted Barak Obama/Ron Paul ticket should happen to surface we will still be in the best position to take it all."

Film and television star Chuck Norris has stated that he is uncertain if this new partnership will affect his support for Huckabee. " I hope he knows what he is doing," stated Norris, "I sent him a pair of the Hillary nutcrackers as a Christmas present."

A spokesperson for the Romney Campaign was reached for comment and stated simply, "Martin Luther King has just rolled over in his grave."

 

 

12/22/07 Enjoy a New Movie this Christmas!

GEORGE BUSH'S WAR Based on the book "The Greatest Story Ever Sold" by Frank Rich

 

CHEENEY TODD Movie based on the musical from the vast right-wing Wurlitzer about the greatest serial killer who ever lived.

 

 

12/20/07 Jingo All the Way: New Christmas DVD Starring Bill O'Reilly

 

New York, NY (O! Online) - Just in time for Christmas, Fox news announces the release of the DVD remake, "Jingo all the Way" starring Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter. The movie is available exclusively online at the Fox News website and is available in both full and wide-stance formats. A portion of the proceeds will go to help fund troops in O'Reilly's floundering War on Christmas.

In the movie, harried right-wing pundit Howard Langston (portrayed by O'Reilly) is late for his mistress Jamie's (Coulter) Christmas party. To placate his unhappy bimbo, he asked her if there is anything she wants for Christmas. She wants a baby Jesus, internally illuminated by a 150 W bulb. Howard naturally forgets to get it, and being Christmas Eve, most stores are open, and still have it, but at a price Howard is not willing to pay. So Howard embarks on a comical quest to steal one. But while Howard is going insane trashing church nativity scenes across the city, his mistress is wondering where he is and is putting the moves on a married Democratic presidential candidate.

"Jingo all the Way" is rated R, for strong language, nudity, moral turpitude, a variety of sexual content, and Republican family values.

 

 

12/18/07 Jamie Lynn Spears Blames Sister for Pregnancy

 

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - In an exclusive interview with O! Online, Jamie Lynn Spears the 16-year-old sister of famous pop tart Britney Spears today revealed that she was pregnant by her boyfriend and costar Casey Aldridge. While admitting that she was at peace with the current situation, she largely blamed her older sister for the pregnancy.

"We had a couple of brief talks about birth control," stated Jamie Lynn, "and I honestly thought that she knew what she was talking about. She has a lot of experience in regards to these things. But now I'm beginning to wonder if she wasn't really jealous of my success in "Zoey 101".

"I had a long talk with my mother over Thanksgiving and I think she seems to be ready to accept whatever comes along," stated Spears. "She had warned me about Britney, but I guess I just didn't listen. We're going to have to have a long talk, Britney and I, because I understand that she may be pregnant again, and there is the matter of Casey being gone for a couple of weeks a few months ago."

Spears denied to O! Online the rumor that Aldridge had already filed for preemptive sole custody of the unborn child.

 

 

12/18/07 Christmas Threatened by Global Warming

 

North Pole (UPSI) - In an exclusivity interview with UPSI, Kris Kringle, better known as Santa Claus, revealed that the recent acceleration of the melting of the polar ice cap has had a devastating effect on his ability to come through with Christmas this year. Kringle stated that his workshops, as well as housing facilities for his work staff, were literally destroyed within a matter of months this summer. Many have fled, and those who have elected to stay on have had to work and live in suboptimal conditions on a loosely associated band of shrinking icebergs.

"We've had to completely abandon the whole concept of the reindeer drawn sleigh," stated Kringle. "Thankfully, Rudolph and the entire gang have been able to avoid drowning as well as the the danger from starving polar bears and escape to the Kamchatka Peninsula. They're all happy and well fed there."

NASA satellite studies have revealed a dramatic and unprecedented loss of polar ice within the past year. Consensus in the scientific community indicates that human activity is largely responsible.

"Global warming has indeed been a tragedy, but those responsible for Christmas have worked hard to salvage what we can and even possibly take advantage of the current conditions," stated Kringle. "The clearing of the Northwest Passage has offered an opportunity for almost instantaneous access to the Northern Hemisphere."

Kringle insisted that despite the callous destruction of the environment by humankind he was determined to bring Christmas in the most carbon neutral manner possible.

"Much of the northern hemisphere will now be accessed by our aquatic sleigh which we have christened "Naughty and Nice", boasted Kringle. "She's virtually carbon neutral. She runs off methane which has been generated throughout the year by Rudolph and the guys. It really takes a lot of the burden off the reindeer who are getting a little older nowadays, but are still needed for the landlocked areas of the world."

Kringle further stated that thanks to drowning precautions and timely planning, much of the elf workforce was still intact and that they had every confidence no good child would go unrewarded this year.

"Ho, ho, ho! Don't get me wrong," insisted Kringle, "there are an awful lot of lumps of coal that should be going out this year, but we're going to have to be creative because of this whole global warming mess. Coal really sends the wrong message. Not to give anything away, but I think Christmas morning may find a couple of dead polar bears under the tree at the White House."

 

 

12/13/07 CIA Whistleblower Kiriakou Rendered at Guantanamo Bay

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a dramatic reversal of it's previous position, the CIA today announced that former agent and torture whistleblower John Kiriakou had been taken into custody and rendered in Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. Kiriakou became famous in the past few days for coming forward in multiple news outlets to describe the successful waterboarding of Al Qaeda suspect Abu Zubaydah. Kiriakou maintains that he has come full circle on the issue of waterboarding, stating that while he felt useful information had been obtained due to the controversial process, he now believes it to be torture. Kiriakou's revelations occurred just as the Bush administration and the CIA were rocked with the scandal of the destruction of videotapes documenting "extreme interrogation" of terror suspects, and has sparked a renewed debate over the legality of the technique of waterboarding.

A CIA spokesperson stated that the agency had felt all along that Kiriakou had overstepped his responsibilities and now posed a security threat to the agency and to America. The agency revealed pictures of some of the extreme interrogation techniques which were now being applied to Kiriakou in captivity in Guantánamo Bay in an effort to determine how far the breach in security might have progressed within the agency.

 

"Our agents are trained to handle these types of situations, so Mr. Kiriakou is really in little danger," stated the CIA spokesperson. "The vast majority of our techniques amount to little more than mental intimidation. That being said, it was a little disappointing that Mr. Kiriakou seem to crack after about 45 seconds. This has resulted in some leads which need to be followed up, but his story of undercover work for the White House is a little unbelievable."

The White House refused to comment on allegations that Kiriakou was functioning as a White House/CIA plant within the press, stating that the investigation was still ongoing.

"We applaud the CIA and director Michael Hayden for the transparency of its actions in regards to former agent Kiriakou," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "Their immediate release of pertinent photographs and documents should serve as ample proof to the American public and the world that America does not torture."

 

 

12/12/07 Hayden Admits CIA Destroyed Mitchell Report in Closed Senate Session

 

Washington, DC (APE) - Stunned Congressmen listened in disbelief today as CIA director Michael Hayden revealed that lawyers for the CIA had authorized the destruction of all tapes and materials relevant to the Mitchell Report on drug use in Major League Baseball which was scheduled for release tomorrow. Hayden revealed that there was considerable conversation between the CIA and the White House in regards to the investigation over the past year and insisted that White House lawyers had not said, "Hell no, don't destroy them."

The report had been expected to name 50 or more major players implicated in the abuse of various substances throughout their careers. It is now unlikely that Commissioner Bud Selig will be pressing the players association in regards to fines and further hearings, and it is rumored that all charges against San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds will be dropped.

"Mr. Hayden told us that the depth and breadth of the problem of drug use in baseball was so widespread that it bordered upon a national disgrace and therefore a security issue," stated hearing attendee Jay Rockefeller D-WV. "The CIA is now insisting that key senators were apprised of its intentions to destroy the documents all along. I, for one, am skeptical, and an independent counsel needs to be appointed."

The destruction of the Mitchell Report in its entirety comes on the heels of the Bush administration's this week announcing that its strategies in the war on drugs have been largely successful. White House spokesperson Dana Perino insisted that the president had no knowledge of the destruction of the report prior to today and that the two events were not related in any way.

Sources close to the investigation were critical of the CIA's explanation for the destruction of the report. A more likely explanation, they insisted, was that the CIA was fearful of revealing undercover operatives as well as supply and distribution sources as a result of the ongoing investigation.

 

 

12/10/07 Bolton Listed as Putz in Declassified CIA Document

 

Washington, DC (UPSI) - In a newly declassified document obtained by UPSI under a freedom of information request, it was discovered that the CIA has officially downgraded the ranking of former UN Ambassador John Bolton officially to the level of "putz". This apparently was well before Bolton's recently published interview in Der Spiegel magazine in which he declares the recent NIE in which it is revealed that Iran had no nuclear program as a "quasi-putsch" from a group of intelligence officers.

"This is clearly a lack of intelligence disguised as politics," stated an anonymous CIA spokesperson.

Bolton's comments to Der Spiegel magazine came in defense of his former boss, President Bush, as the administration was embarrassed by what appeared to be blatant warmongering and lying to the American people in regards to Iran.

"I don't know what possessed Der Spiegel to even seek out Mr. Bolton," stated the CIA spokesperson. "We had originally ranked him only as a "quasi-schmuck" as the appointee ambassador to the UN. To retain the level of "quasi-schmuck" would require some evidence of potency. Failing this, we found no other alternative other than to officially down regulate him to the level of "putz". In response to this criticism of the recent NIE, any fool knows it's all politics."

UPSI will released further individual classifications from the document as they are researched and independently verified.

 

 

11/30/07 NEW YORK, NEW YORK

 

11/28/07 Mr. Bush's Peace Talks: Available on DVD 11/27/07

Synopsis: George W. Bush returns in the iconic role as the bumbling idiot that made him an international star in Mr. Bush's Peace Talks. In his latest misadventure, Mr. Bush -- the nearly brainless misfit who seems to be followed by a trail of war crimes and corruption -- goes on holiday to Annapolis, Maryland and becomes ensnared in a Middle Eastern adventure of cataclysmic proportions.

Tired of the dreary, wet Washington, DC weather, Bush packs up his nuclear football and bicycle to head to Annapolis for a hastily constructed peace summit and contrived vacation days. But his plot doesn't go as smoothly as he had hoped when the bumbling Bush falls face first into a series of malaprops and seeming coincidences that threaten to surpass even the lowest of expectations. Correctly thought to be both a torturer and infamous criminal, he has some serious explaining to do after wreaking havoc across the Iraqi countryside and arriving at his vacation spot with the floundering regime's leader in tow, and exclusive no-bid contracts for security, oil, and reconstruction for America. Will Bush be prosecuted by international courts or wind up winning the Nobel Peace Prize? It's all caught on camera as Bush again applies his faux Texanism to a tragicomedy of errors in Mr. Bush's Peace Talks.

 

 

 

11/26/07 Fred Thompson to Offset Declining Campaign Funds with Commercial Appearances

 

New York, NY (APE) - The campaign for Fred Thompson today announced that it would be drawing upon Mr. Thompson's acting experience in an effort to refill depleted campaign coffers by having the former Republican senator from Tennessee star in a number of commercial marketing campaigns. In the biggest of these campaigns, Thompson will attempt to resurrect Charmin's lovable spokesperson, Mr. Whipple, portrayed by recently deceased character actor Dick Wilson for over 20 years.

"It should be a natural for Fred," stated a Thompson campaign spokesperson. "We're hoping that it may take a little bit of the edge off of his public perception, and perhaps increase our approval with women and housewives."

A spokesperson for the Swedish firm SCA, the former European branch of Procter & Gamble, agreed, stating that they had high hopes for the campaign. "We'll first "roll out" the toilet paper campaign, and depending upon its success we have acquired the rights to have the new Mr. Whipple promote our other lines of paper products including our popular underclothing geriatric incontinence line."

In a nod towards Thompson's presidential aspirations, SCA also announced that it would be offering through a limited release in American markets, rolls of Charmin with copies of the U.S. Constitution imprinted upon every sheet.

 

 

11/20/07 McClellan Taken into Custody by CIA

 

Fairfax, VA (Rotters) - Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan was taken into custody early this evening by FBI agents. He appeared before a Fairfax, VA judge to enter a plea against charges of treason issued late today by the White House. McClellan had earlier in the day released a passage from his upcoming book in which he accuses both the vice president and president of complicity in the cover-up of the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame.

The White House issued a statement that McClellan was being held on a number of concerns over issues of national security, and that his tell all book What Happened would be barred from publication on Monday. "The president has said on a number of occasions that the Valerie Plame 'incident' is over," stated current press secretary Dana Perino. "This should serve as a warning to anyone wishing to make slanderous claims for political or individual gain."

"It's all a misunderstanding," shouted McClellan to reporters as he was being led away from the courthouse. "Read my book! You'll see! It was just a teaser!"

Lawyers for former Ambassador Joe Wilson and his wife Valerie Plame have stated that they will be issuing subpoenas for McClellan in their upcoming lawsuit against the vice president and would be looking into it including President Bush in the lawsuit.

An FBI spokesperson stated that McClellan would be turned over to the CIA and that their investigation would take precedence over any other legal concerns for the time being.

 

 

11/20/07 Bush Pardons National Turkeys After Confessions

 

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush provided an interesting twist to the traditional pardoning of the White House turkeys "May" and "Flower" today. To the delight of the hand-picked audience, he gave a demonstration of aggressive interrogation techniques, in particular the controversial procedure known as "water boarding". He then invited children in attendance to come up and participate in the ceremony by holding the turkey down.

"Gentle, be gentle," Bush extolled the children, as he poured water from a plastic military canteen over the black hooded head of the sputtering bird.

"This is a little trick that my mom taught me," Bush joked with the press in attendance. "I've seen a lot of tough old bird's in my time, but this softens 'em right up. You can add a little melted butter to your water, and you got yourself a self-baster."

Bush concluded on a serious note: "I hope this puts to rest all of those nasty stories out there. This is a useful, and humane technique... America doesn't torture."

The White House later revealed to the press that the two turkeys would eventually find their way to Disney World to live out their natural lives in a petting zoo... provided that the information obtained from May, aka 'Maia Hussein', proved to be useful. May confessed to her handlers after the ceremony that she and Flower had attended an Al Qaeda in America training camp near the turkey farm in Indiana where they were born and raised.

 

 

11/19/07 Novak Charged with 'Source Planting' in Latest Spat between Clinton and Obama Campaigns

 

Washington, DC (UPSI) - In a rare show of unity between the camps, the Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama Democratic presidential campaigns today released a joint statement accusing Chicago Sun-Times columnist Bob Novak of 'source planting'. Novak, this past weekend, published a column in the Chicago Sun-Times in which he claimed to have an inside source within the Clinton campaign. Novak claims the source told him that the Clinton campaign had information of a personal nature which could conceivably wreck the Obama campaign, but that Clinton was withholding its release to the public out of a sense of fair play. If true,this becomes a new facet in the planting scandals which have rocked the campaigns of both parties, but one which many media insiders insist is commonplace in political reporting.

In conjunction with the campaigns' press releases, TMZ, a celebrity gossip and paparazzi site, released what it claims is a photo showing Novak meeting with his Clinton insider at a fundraiser earlier this month. Novak is seen conversing with former Bush political adviser Karl Rove, whom he had previously used as a source for a column in which he revealed the identity of undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame.

The Chicago Sun-Times editorial board refused to disclose Novak's source, citing confidentiality issues, and said that future revelations would be up to Novak and his anonymous source. Novak adamantly denied the charge of 'source planting', and refused further comment.

Karl Rove was reached for comment, but refused to confirm whether or not he was the source for Novak's column. "Yes, it's true, I have given to the Clinton campaign, but I have also given to the Obama campaign," stated Rove. "I'm not aware of any dirt on either one of them. They're both pretty much how they appear in public, she being a shrill, calculating bitch, and him a naïve, biracial, madrasah trained elitist. As far as I know, all of her children are white and all of his are black... and there's no proof that there are any children between them."


 

11/15/07 FBI Justifies Three of 17 Blackwater Shootings in Iraq

 

Washington, DC (UPSI) - The FBI yesterday released a report which condemned private security firm Blackwater in the September 16 shooting incident in Iraq in which 17 civilians were killed. The FBI investigation found that no shots were fired upon Blackwater personnel, and that they were clearly at fault in the deaths of 14 of the 17 civilians at the scene. An FBI spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, today stated that Blackwater personnel were justified in the killing of three of the civilians, two women and a young girl, as they were found to be brandishing hairbrushes.

"In the heat of the moment, the Blackwater guards mistook the hairbrushes as weapons," stated the FBI source. The source also released to the press a photograph produced by the United States State Department demonstrating how the silhouette of a typical hairbrush could be mistaken for that of a Russian RPG. "Sadly, in the three cases mentioned, we find that the security guards were justified in the shootings," stated the source.

The FBI ruling comes at an embarrassing moment for the State Department's investigator General Howard Krongard. Krongard yesterday testified before a Senate investigative committee, fielding accusations that he had delayed investigations into Blackwater personnel conduct in Iraq, investigations into cost overruns and corruption in the construction of the new American Embassy, as well as claims that Blackwater had been smuggling illegal automatic weapons as well as other paraphernalia into Iraq.

Krongard steadfastly denied any complicity or favoritism shown on behalf of Blackwater, and denied that his brother "Buzzy" Krongard, a former CIA employee, had any association with Blackwater. In a dramatic moment, Krongard immediately recused himself to the committee in any future dealings with Blackwater after a personal phone call to his brother in which he found out that he indeed served on Blackwater's advisory board.

"This is just the tip of the iceberg," stated investigative committee chairman representative Henry Waxman D-CA. "We intend to introduce proof that Blackwater personnel have for years been handing out free hairbrushes to Iraqis as goodwill gifts. Personnel are trained at their Myock, NC facility to always carry a "drop brush" on them at all times should such instances as the September 16 massacre arise. We have documentation that A.B. "Buzzy" Krongard sits on the board of directors of Goody hair care products."

Senate hearings are set to resume today, and Krongard's brother may be called to testify.

 

 

11/15/07 People Magazine Names George Bush As 2007's 'Stupidest Man Alive'

 

New York (APE) - President George W Bush has been named the "stupidest man alive" by People magazine. The 61 year old chief executive will be featured on the cover of People's annual issue, due to hit newsstands on Friday.

"You gave an aging urban cowboy the ego boost of a lifetime," stated Bush in an official letter to the magazine's publishers. "My two daughters are cool with it - well, chill? I guess all that campaigning by Karl and Dick has taken a toll."

"Unfortunately, after all those years out on the bike trail, the meet and greets, the fundraisers, the brush clearing speeches, I've finally come to terms with the fact that this is a mantle that I was always meant to hold," he said in the letter, which was signed "Dubya." "Don't get me wrong, though. I wasn't really shocked or happy (Laura said I actually forgot to flush when she read me the news). So thanks a lot, I guess."

People's "stupidest man alive" list began in 2005 with Bill O'Reilly. Others on the list: Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, and Paul Wolfowitz.

 

 

 

11/13/07 Bush Challenges Democrats over "American Express" Card

New Albany, IN (APE) - The White House today went on the offensive after the president vetoed a massive bipartisan supported education and domestic spending bill. Delivering a speech to a screened audience of supporters, the president complained that the bill was full of special interest projects, and more than he had asked for.

"The Congress is treating me like a spoiled brat who has had his credit card taken away," complained Bush.

A study released today by Democrats reassessed the administration's figures for the costs of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and found that conservative estimates put the total at over $1.5 trillion dollars, over double the administration's figure, or roughly $20,000 dollars per American family.

 

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid pledged today that a bill would be sent to Bush authorizing only about $50 billion of the over $200 billion he had originally asked for in order to continue the War in Iraq. Reid also stipulated that the bill would include definite timetables for redeployment of troops by December.

"This is all he gets, he can take it or leave it," insisted Reid, "he's exceeded his credit limit, both financially and morally. An endless war in the middle east... $1.5 trillion dollars, a rapid end to the needless bloodshed... $50 billion, putting an end to this lawless administration... priceless."

 

 

11/08/07 College Students Mob Wal-Marts Nationwide in Quest for Aqua-Dots

 

Bentonville, AR (Rotters) - Wal-Mart stores nationwide are reporting that they are being swamped by young college age customers who are showing up on rumors that the 2007 Children's Toy of the Year, Aqua-Dots, might still be available on the shelves. Rioting, and some arrests have reportedly broken out in some stores. Aqua-Dots were just yesterday recalled nationwide due to reports in Australia of children swallowing the colorful beads, resulting in extreme sedation resembling the effects of the illicit date rape drug GHB. Some stores have been slow in enacting the mandatory recall, and rumors of availability in certain stores have spread over the Internet like wildfire, resulting in unruly crowds in some stores.

The offending chemical appears to be 1,4 butylene glycol, an adhesive solvent which was used instead of a safer glue by the Chinese manufacturer. The toy consists of colorful beads which adhere together after they become wet.

Retailers Target, and Amazon.com have also begun pulling their entire Aqua-Dots line. Almost as fast as the toys are being pulled from the shelves, they are appearing for sale on eBay for upwards of 10 times the retail price.

 

 

The most popular toy appears to be the Aqua-Dots Super Studio. Retailing for $29.95, they have begun surfacing on eBay for as much as $500. The Super Studio is reportedly modified into a hookah, or cold water pipe, through which the Aqua-Dots are carefully titrated, moistened, and inhaled.

"This is just so much safer than trying to cook up GHB in your dorm room," stated an anonymous fraternity member. "I'm a little ticked off though... we've been to three Wal-Marts within a 50 mile radius and we haven't been able to score anything yet. They even tried to card us on the whipped cream."

 

 

11/08/07 Rosie Signs on to Co-Host Fox O'Reilly Factor

 

Hollywood, CA (DMZ) - Within hours after a purported deal with MSNBC fell through, DMZ reporters discovered that former talk show host and comedian Rosie O'Donnell has signed a multimillion dollar contract with Fox networks to star alongside right-wing pundit Bill O'Reilly. O'Reillys once popular "O'Reilly Factor" has been suffering from anemic ratings for the past few years, and Fox looks to be attempting to revive the floundering program.

The new show, reportedly premiering sometime over the Christmas holidays, will be revamped and renamed "The O'Reilly/O'Donnell Factor". A spokesperson for the Fox network states that they are looking to breathe new life into their trademark claim of "fair and balanced" with the addition of Ms. O'Donnell alongside O'Reilly.

"We're all professionals here," stated a defensive O'Reilly. "I'm looking forward to working with Rosie. I don't envision things getting out of hand, because I now know where she lives. Besides that, the fact that I truly appreciate a full figured woman is something that a lot of people probably don't know about me. I look forward to trading some very sensual falafel recipes in sort of a "get to know you" kind of way."

"He's got some pretty bizarre theories about the real story behind 9/11," stated O'Donnell in regards to O'Reilly. "This whole project ought to be a lot of fun, and I'll leave it to the American public to decide for themselves who yells "shut up!" better."

The "O'Reilly/O'Donnell Factor" will hopefully premiere sometime after Mr. O'Reilly's annual "War on Christmas" begins, contingent upon a settlement in the national writers strike.

 

 

11/07/07 Writers Strike Hits Fox News

 

New York, NY (APE) - The Fox News division apparently became the first "news outlet" in the United States to be hit by the national screenwriters strike. Corporate president Rupert Murdoch today announced that Fox News would begin airing reruns in all of its news shows starting with the nightly broadcast from Britt Hume. The Fox News division has reportedly become paralyzed by the lack of experienced fiction writers, and their on-screen persona have not been able to rise to the task of on-air ad-libbing. The national screenwriters strike enters its third day with no end in sight.

"The true culprit in this mess appears to be George Soros," complained Fox news division head Roger Ailes," and we look forward to exposing this liberal stranglehold after the strike is broken."

Audiences were reportedly stunned last night as flagship pundit Bill O'Reilly sat speechless alternately smiling and growling at the camera for the last 15 minutes of his show, "The O'Reilly Factor".

Fox's fledgling business news show has reportedly been hit the hardest, and will likely be canceled.

Fox will continue to air its most popular themes in rerun form until the strike has ended. Viewers can look forward to a repeat of the president's successes in dealing with hurricane Katrina, presidential candidate and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani's sterling leadership immediately after the 9/11 attacks, and extensive footage of the end of hostilities in Iraq.

Media watchers have stated that they expect other news broadcasts to begin falling victim to the strike if it continues longer. CBS news has reportedly begun examining options for anchor Katie Couric hosting an evening cooking show alongside Martha Stewart if the strike persists.

 

 

11/06/07 Bush Awards Total of 11 Medals of Freedom for 2007

 

Washington, DC (UPSI) - President Bush yesterday awarded the presidential medal of freedom, the highest civilian honor bestowed by the president, to eight recipients in a public ceremony and three other recipients in a more private White House ceremony afterwards. Recipients in the public ceremony included among others: Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, American novelist Harper Lee, C-SPAN founder Brian Lamb, US Congressman Henry Hyde, and Cuban dissident Oscar Elias Biset in absentia. The three recipients in the private White House ceremony were current Chief of Staff Josh Bolten, former presidential lawyer and Supreme Court candidate Harriet Myers, and former political adviser Karl Rove who became the first person in history to receive a second Medal of Freedom.

Rove was awarded his second medal of freedom for, "advancing the concept of fuzzy math in all avenues of American society, including electioneering, economics, and the science of global warming," the White House announced. Rove had received his first medal of freedom two years ago for his work in advancing a permanent Republican majority in the US.

 

 

Former presidential counsel Harriet Myers was awarded the Medal of Freedom for her outstanding years of service to the president and therefore the people of the United States according to a White House spokesperson. "She is particularly to be credited for her work in parsing extreme interrogation policies to conform with the administration's underlying principle of never resorting to torture. Her work in combating the traditional pitfalls in politicizing branches of government other than the executive is outstanding."

 

 

The White House credited the final recipient, current Chief of Staff Josh Bolten, with his unfailing efforts to promote and defend the concepts of the unitary executive, and executive privilege. "We do believe that with the recognition that Mr. Bolten has received today that he would be willing to go to jail rather than compromise his principles."

White House counsel Fred F. Fielding stated that the awards, "were in no way associated with the administration's ongoing refusal to respond to congressional subpoenas. We have continued to fight for open and free government with our offer to testify without oath or transcript. This is a fight that Congress will lose... if they choose to go after three Medal of Freedom recipients, they do so at their own peril."

Past recipients of the Medal of Freedom who were previous administration officials include former CIA Director George Tenet, and Iraqi Coalition Provisional Authority Administrator Paul Bremer.

 

 

11/02/07 Blackwater Employees to Fill Iraq Diplomat Positions for State Department

 

Washington, DC (APE) - The State Department today announced that following a refinement of an immunity offer, Blackwater Security employees  would begin filling 40 to 50 diplomatic positions in Iraq which current State Department employees have refused. The move was applauded as a cost-cutting measure in that Iraqi diplomats will now be able to supply their own security, and 200 or more high paid diplomats who have threatened to resist being drafted for Iraqi service will now be summarily dismissed by the Bush administration. The Blackwater employees will be rewarded with a 10% pay raise as a bonus, and will be reporting for a one-week, battlefield course in diplomacy.

"What better representatives of the tough, wide stance that this administration intends to present to those who would do us harm in the Middle East," stated Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "Gunpoint diplomacy and democratic reform does work, and this administration will be honored and remembered in history for setting an example."

 

 

Administration cheerleaders leapt to the support of the new policy. "Folks, it's about time that these "phony diplomats" in the State Department are canned," stated pundit Rush Limbaugh on his nationally syndicated radio talk show. "They whine and moan that it's not safe, and that being stationed there is "a death sentence"... but here's the thing, they're just not willing to die for their country. History is full of examples where the messenger gets killed... you kill the messenger... you kill the bearer of bad news. Well that's just tough... they should have known that before they signed up. They're worse than surrender monkeys. Now they can just get out of the way and let these Blackwater guys negotiate... they're not afraid to die, and they just might take a few Islamo-fascists with them."

 

 

In a somewhat related story, the White House today announced that President Bush would be offering up for bid on eBay a letter that he yesterday received from 29 concerned Democratic and one Independent Senator admonishing him that an invasion or attack on Iran could not proceed without Senate approval. The White House stated that the president was determined to make light of the issue in his effort to break through what he has called Democratic denial of the war. Proceeds from the auction will go towards establishment of an international charitable institute dedicated to assist those wrongly accused of war crimes, on land which Mr. Bush has purchased in Paraguay. An initial bid of $4 million has been logged from Rupert Murdoch and the Fox news empire.

 

11/01/07 Bob Vila to Help NASA Repair and Flip Space Station

 

Cape Kennedy, FL (Rotters) - NASA engineers today revealed that they had made the decision to "flip" the International Space Station, making it the first prime extraterrestrial real estate to be put on the market in world history. Engineers have been having to deal with a number of problems including a fire, evidence of abnormal deterioration, and more recently an addition which resulted in damage to a critical solar array. Early this morning a Soviet probe docked, bringing aboard internationally renowned Florida contractor Bob Vila who will begin supervising the overall restoration.

"The view is just spectacular," stated Vila in an interview from the structure. "It's true what they say in that old joke about, "location, location, location". This Old House is a beautiful example of postmodern utilitarian construction. It's a breathtaking collection of eclectic international styles which sometimes don't really work well together, and we'll be striving to preserve a lot of that quaint craftsmanship during our renovation."

A spokesperson for NASA stated that the budget for the flip had been declared a state secret by the Bush administration. "It's one of those situations where a true and honest figure might actually hurt the market. We already have some definite interest being expressed by the Chinese for a creative type of debt refinance mortgage."

"For a 10-year old house, we're in pretty good shape," concluded Vila. "She's well constructed and very airtight, no drafts at all. However, we may be looking to modify that a bit, so that the structure is able to breathe a little better. Our power plant is state-of-the-art, but some of the exterior restoration represents a real challenge. Safety, as always, will be our first concern, and we should be able to flip this house pretty quickly, and have it be something that the new owners can be proud of."

 

 

10/31/07 Amy Fisher Sex Tape Eclipsed by Latest Classified Hilton Sex Video

 

Washington, DC (DMZ) - Fresh after the announcement of an apparently authentic Amy Fisher sex tape, the Internet is abuzz today over a new, apparently classified, Paris Hilton sex tape which also features sister Nicky, and none other than President George W. Bush. The tape, which was leaked despite state secret classification, depicts the two sisters engaged in explicit acts with President Bush at the White House's Halloween party last night.

The president apparently eschewed the traditional handing out of candy and treats to screened and hand selected children this year for a celebrity studded costume ball in the absence of the First Lady, who is currently touring the Middle East in a desperate diplomacy effort.

White House sources refused to confirm or deny the veracity of the story, but did admit that some security camera footage from last night had disappeared, and that it was of course considered a national security incident. Efforts are apparently under way to seize the video before it finds its way onto the Internet.

A spokesperson and publicist for the Hilton sisters stated that they had both had a wonderful time at the party but were having trouble recalling what had actually transpired. "Paris states that she had a few drinks to work up the nerve to meet with the president. She vaguely recalls being shown a water board in the Lincoln bedroom."

The White House cautioned that there were very severe penalties for national security breaches, and stated that anyone turning in the missing security files would be given prosecutorial immunity.

 

 

10/27/07 No Diplomat Draft for Iraq Needed, State Department Now Says

 

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Countering a story published earlier today in the Washington Post, the State Department today announced that it had shelved plans for a proposed "diplomat draft". The Post today reported that the Bush administration was having extreme difficulty with finding people within their own diplomatic corps willing to serve in Iraq. Undersecretary of State Karen Hughes admitted that the draft had actually been considered as a way to force young Republican diplomats into service in the dangerous war zone, but that this was now unnecessary, as they had found other ways to appeal to core values and encourage volunteerism.

"Secretary of State Rice was a real trooper, when we approached her with our proposed ad campaign," related Hughes. "We have gotten excellent initial focus group feedback on the entire concept. We have been able to push back and make light of the propaganda circulating that claims that America tortures, and at the same time it really seems to appeal to Republican values for unquestioning and unfettered service."

The State Department claimed that requests for transfer to the Iraqi diplomatic mission were up over 50% since the unveiling of the volunteer campaign late this week, and that new applications to the diplomatic corps have skyrocketed.

"This is just more evidence of a biased media getting the story wrong again," said Undersecretary Hughes. "There really is no crisis here, end of story. Contingency plans have always been in place to have security personnel, such as Blackwater, double up and fill in positions temporarily as needed."

"Uncle Sam has finally received a needed makeover," stated Hughes. "Mistress Sam has reported for duty, and she's going to bring discipline and obedience as well as a love of service back to the diplomatic corps."

 

 

10/25/07 Chinese Lunar Probe Missing: China Lodges Formal Complaint with NASA

 

Beijing, China (Algae-zebra) - Officials for the National Chinese Space Agency today confirmed that its lunar probe Chang'e-1 had gone missing just after a crucial deployment phase of the mission prior to leaving earth orbit for the moon. A spokesperson for the agency said that the loss of contact with the probe was "highly suspicious", and had registered a formal complaint with NASA in regards to the space shuttle Discovery currently in earth orbit. Chang'e-1 is the first of a series of unmanned lunar probes from China which is to culminate in the future with a lunar landing and sample return mission. The Chinese government also had hopes that Chang'e-1 would also be able to provide photographic proof that the famed American series of manned Apollo missions to the moon never occurred.

NASA would neither confirm nor deny any knowledge of the probe's fate.

"Our sympathies go out to the Chinese team," said an anonymous NASA official. "We know full well the pain and frustration that can occur over malfunctions and technical glitches. We have been concerned over reports that the Chinese may have been depending upon pirated technology. If this does not prove to be the case, then I suspect that they may have nothing to fear, and they may eventually be able to re-establish communications and proceed with their mission."

 

 

10/24/07 Bush Surprises Southern California with Early Visit and Fireside Chat

 

San Diego, CA (Rotters) - Making an early, clandestine departure from Washington, DC aboard Air Force One late this afternoon, President Bush this evening offered a live fireside chat from San Diego, California. He offered sympathy and support to Southern Californians during the ongoing wildfire disaster, and pledged "whatever it takes" to rebuild a better and brighter Southern California. He then toasted a marshmallow as a symbolic gesture, encouraging all Californians to "not lose sight of the simpler things in life, and return to normal as soon as possible."

"No one could have predicted that such a dry tinderbox could have been vaporized so rapidly in a firestorm fueled by the caprices of the Santa Ana winds," stated Bush.

"This administration has learned the bitter lessons of Katrina," said Bush. "This time around FEMA has done a heck of a job mobilizing bottled water and such. Sad to say, again, largely Democratic state and local officials were slow to ask for assistance... particularly when it came to mobilizing volunteers to actually open the bottles and pour them onto hotspots and firebreaks."

The administration has been under criticism over the past week due to the fact that a large contingent of California's National Guard and equipment was unavailable and occupied overseas with the war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"The 3000 or so California National Guard who have been available for fire duty, have performed admirably," praised Bush. "I will be authorizing, via presidential decree, their immediate rotation out of harm's way as a reward for their service. They will be immediately eligible for significant bonuses prior to their deployment to theaters of operations in Iraq and Afghanistan."

 

 

"The perpetrators of this disaster will be caught and punished," vowed Bush. "Let this serve as a grim warning to those who would sow disbelief as to the real danger of Al Qaeda in America. You've kept us from fighting them over there, and now they're here."

 

 

10/22/07 Larry Craig to Play Dumbledore in Final Two Harry Potter Movies

 

BOISE, ID (DMZ) - DMZ insiders have learned that Idaho Senator Larry Craig will be announcing that he is giving up his fight to restore his reputation in the U.S. Senate, and instead has signed a contract to star in the role of Albus Dumbledore in the final two Harry Potter films. A spokesperson for Michael Gambon , the popular British actor who has portrayed Dumbledore in the past two films stated that Gambon has elected to pursue other projects. The spokesperson refused to comment if Gambon's decision had been related to author JK Rowling's recent revelation of Dumbledore's homosexuality.

"The money was right," stated a Craig staffer. "The senator has amassed quite a legal bill thus far in attempting to clear his name. Plans are for Senator Craig to star as Dumbledore in the sixth and seventh films, and use the proceeds to seek reelection on or about 2014. The success of Republican movie stars in politics is outstanding."

Senator Craig was reached by phone for comment, and stated that he was "looking forward to the challenging role."

"While I am not gay," stated Craig, "I can fully appreciate the double life which the character seems to lead. Being in charge of the discipline of young children at a boarding school is a tremendous, and lonely responsibility. How does one deal with all of the dirty, nasty little secrets that go on? I have had discussions with Ms. Rowling, and I am also looking forward to bringing a balance of Christianity to the pagan, hedonistic world of Harry Potter."

DMZ has also learned that child stars Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson are skeptical of the replacement of Gambon with Craig, and may be in the process of hiring lawyers.

 

10/19/07 Colbert Pushes for Inclusion in FOX/GOP Presidential Debate in Miami

 

MIAMI, FL (APE) - Campaign staffers are reporting that newly announced Republican Presidential Candidate Stephen Colbert has flown overnight to Miami Florida in an attempt to touch ground before other hopefuls Giuliani and McCain. Colbert will also be petitioning for inclusion in Sunday's Fox News sponsored Republican presidential debate.

In a whirlwind sequence of events, Colbert announced his intention to seek the presidency this week, and is hoping to be included in the presidential primary of his home state of South Carolina.

A Colbert Campaign spokesperson described the atmosphere among staffers as "electrifying" as they scrambled to come up with position statements and official talking points.

"As for now, we have settled initially for a strategy best described as "Not Reagan Enough", stated Colbert's campaign manager. "We feel that all the other guys are weak in this regards, and it's certainly fair game. Fred Thompson is the only one we've ever seen in a cowboy hat, and he was riding in a motorized chair at the time."

Campaign staffers cited a bumpy start to the campaign thus far, stating that they were having to play catch up thanks to delays in receiving an expedited NRA lifetime membership card.

"We fully expect to be included as an equal in Sunday's debate, however, or there will be hell to pay," stated Colbert's Manager.

 

10/17/07 Senator Craig Creates International Washroom Incident with Dalai Lama

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Washington office of controversial Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig expressed regrets today over what it described as a misunderstanding between the senator and the Dalai Lama that occurred in a congressional men's room early this morning. The Dalai Lama was appearing as a guest of Congress and the Bush administration to receive the Congressional Gold medal for his services as an international peace activist.

Congressional security was called to the scene to investigate after the Dalai Lama reportedly fled the washroom, accusing the senator of attempting to grab his robes from under an adjoining stall and peek beneath them.

"It was an honest mistake," stated an aide to Senator Craig. "His Holiness's robes had a similar color and texture to the hand towels made available in the facility. The senator was merely attempting to dry his hands when the misunderstanding occurred."

A clearly shaken Dalai Lama was seen holding hands with Craig afterwards, and reportedly forgave and absolved him through a translator.

Congressional security just arriving on the scene detained and took into custody an enraged Richard Gere who apparently attempted to go after the senator. No charges have been pressed in the incident.

 

10/16/07 HELL NO RUDY!

Hell No, Rudy!


I say hell no, Rudy...... yell, hell no, Rudy
It’s not nice to have a hack like you along
You’re cookin’ smells, Rudy.......  it won’t sell, Rudy
You’re still snowin’...  you’re jingoin’...  to your hoin’ throng
You shill that doom brayin’......  smile with hands prayin’
One of your nine-eleven psalms with way back spin
So.....  cut the crap, fellas.......  mind all the empty pap, fellas
Rudy you’re never gonna win again

(instrumental break)

I say hell no, Rudy......  yell, hell no, Rudy
It’s so nice to have the facts where you’ve been wrong
You look unwell, Rudy..... you’ve got a tell, Rudy
You’re still snowin’...  you’re jingoin’...  to your hoin’ throng
You shill that doom brayin’......  smile with hands prayin’
One of your nine-eleven psalms with way back spin
So... GOP, fellas.... cut ‘em off at the knees, fellas
Rudy you’re never gonna win....  I said they’ll never buy the spin
Rudy you’re never gonna win again!

 

 

10/16/07 Police Release Composite Sketches of Suspects in Randi Rhodes Assault

 

New York, NY (UPSI) - New York Police Department detectives have released composite drawings of two unknown white male suspects wanted in the assault last night on Air America talkshow host Randi Rhodes. The suspects are described as both being in their 50s, one tall, the other shorter and markedly obese. Police are said to be ruling out robbery as a motive and looking into the possibility of charges for a hate crime.

"Ms. Rhodes is doing well and resting comfortably, and we are fortunate that she was able to provide such a detailed account," stated a police spokesperson. "Clearly there was an extreme degree of violence and invective directed toward Miss Rhodes, and there may have been others involved, participating under direction from the two suspects."

Rhodes was initially felt to be the victim of a mugging, but rumors of a politically motivated attack because of her left-leaning talk show appeared to be gaining credibility.

Right-wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh expressed his sympathy to Rhodes, but scoffed at the idea that she was a victim of right-wing hatred. "New York is a tough town, and it's a liberal town. It's full of drugs and other perversions that you would expect from years of Democrat influence. She was probably beaten up by someone looking for OxyContin."

Likewise, right-wing personality Bill O'Reilly went further, saying that Rhodes was largely responsible for her own assault, and "probably, in many ways enjoyed the attack." "I have cautioned the left for years," stated O'Reilly, "and maybe now they'll be able to see just how mad they've made some people. I hope she gets better really soon, but there's nothing out of the ordinary here, just the usual suspects."

 

10/15/07 Bush Rapes Democrats on Spending Bills

 

Rogers, AR (APE) - President Bush abused Congress on Monday for hinting at sending him a spending bill that he didn't want, and warned lawmakers to trim their budgets or face rendition.

"You're fixing to see what they call a fiscal blow job in Washington," Bush told a stunned yet friendly hand-picked audience in northwest Arkansas.

"The Congress gets to propose, and if they don't meet my standards, I get to take them however I want," Bush said. "That's precisely what I intend to do... over and over."

"Congress needs to really put out for my money and they need to pass these appropriation bills -- slowly and with feeling for a long time," Bush said, smirking up and down the stage.

Earlier, Bush toured a manufacturing plant for Adam and Eve sex toys, one of the only profitable businesses that has not been outsourced internationally from Arkansas. Bush said that he wanted to remind people that the economy depends on him, since everyone serves at the pleasure of the president.

"That's what we want," he said. "We want people putting out in America."

 

10/11/07 Ann Coulter Reveals Her Own Alien Abduction to National Enquirer

 

New York, NY (APE) - In an effort to bolster the validity of a story being reported in the National Enquirer in regards to an alleged sexual affair by Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, right-wing pundit and columnist Ann Coulter is set to allow the tabloid to publish her own true story of alien abduction. The two-part series including exclusive pictures is set for publication in next week's edition.

Coulter's publisher stated in a press release that this was something that the writer had wanted to do for a long time and had finally found the right venue. She also wanted to show support for the quality of reporting in the National enquirer that often goes unnoticed by the general public.

Her publisher went on to state that Coulter claims to have been abducted almost 6 years ago for a period of two weeks by an alien "gray" telepathically calling himself Xenu. During the two weeks she was repeatedly probed and stimulated and may have possibly born a child by Virgin birth. A side effect of the abduction was the reported elevation and enhancement of her own thinking and writing abilities.

Coulter is reportedly coming forward at this time also as a sign of support for other like-minded thinkers who may be able to share similar stories.

 

 

10/10/07 Condoleezza Rice Named as "Person of Interest" in Ongoing Marion Jones Steroid Investigation

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Undisclosed sources within the FBI are acknowledging that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has been unofficially designated a "person of interest" in the ongoing BALCO illegal steroid investigation. Olympic athlete Marion Jones recently admitted to having used performance-enhancing drugs supplied by the controversial San Francisco Bay area nutritional supplement company. Rice publicly denied using any drugs during a speech yesterday at The Council on Foreign Relations.

"Everything you see here is a result of hard work, exercise, and discipline," stated an indignant Rice, raising her dress to reveal a set of sculpted abdominal muscles and bristling thighs. "The White House is not on drugs."

White House press secretary Dana Perrino stated that the president was aware of the allegations and had every confidence in Ms. Rice. "The president is considering the FBI's request for a drug screen of Ms. Rice," stated Perrino, "but after consultation with White House counsel Fred Fielding, the request will likely be denied on the grounds of executive privilege."

Administration critic and exercise physiologist Ann Drogen, PhD, stated that there was strong evidence for the suspicions regarding Ms. Rice. "Volatility, verbal aggression, distorted thought processes, and severe mood swings are all signs of steroid abuse," stated Drogen. "The administration's entire stance in the Middle East is actually quite suspect."

House majority leader Nancy Pelosi urged the Bush administration to cooperate fully with authorities, promising a stern letter of warning if it did not.

 

 

09/28/07 Limbaugh to Receive Congressional Commendation for Identifying Phony Troops

 

Washington, DC (APE) - Comedian and political pundit Rush Limbaugh today received a commendation and special award from the U.S. Senate for his help in identifying "phony soldiers". Limbaugh had earlier in the week declared on his talk radio show that troops who return from Iraq and criticized the president or his war policies were simply, "phony soldiers". Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio and Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina stepped forward to publicly thank Limbaugh and offer a plaque in appreciation for his remarks and promised to push through a nonbinding commendation for his efforts.

Both promised to expedite the resolution through the Senate, and push for its overwhelming adoption in the House of Representatives.

"I believe the recent nonbinding condemnation of the dastardly ad from MoveOn will make it much easier for senators to approach this resolution in a more positive and bipartisan fashion," stated Senator Graham. "What's more, as an active reservist, I think that this is something we need to take a very close look at both in the active duty military and reserves. It would be invaluable to identify "phony soldiers" very early on and take steps to reform them."

"Mr. Limbaugh is just speaking from the heart," stated a tearful Representative Boehner. "He's just expressing feelings common to a lot of us in the House; feelings that we have frankly been afraid to express since the Democrats have ruthlessly seized power, and thwarted our attempts to shut down all forms of dialog and debate."

Senate majority leader Harry Reid could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous staffer offered that Democrats would likely attempt to mount some sort of opposition to the resolution before it passed.

 

 

09/28/07 Bush Announces New American Energy Source at New York Conference

 

New York, NY (UPSI) - President Bush, in the opening address today at his hastily organized global warming summit in New York City, demonstrated for those in attendance his proposals for a cheaper, cleaner burning, more carbon neutral energy source for the United States. He further pledged to make the new fuel even cheaper as it becomes more adopted and standardized to other developing countries. He praised the Chinese for their efforts at initial development and asked for their continued support.

"The White House has always been aware and involved in the issue of global warming," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "It's one of the myths that we are attempting to overturn with our conference, and bring to bear good old-fashioned American ingenuity to the problem."

 

 The White House also announced today that First Lady Laura Bush would be assuming ambassadorial duties and heading for a groundbreaking Middle East peace summit, which will address the Palestinian Israeli conflict as well as seek solutions in the partitioning and redistribution of Iraq as well as Iranian nuclear ambitions.

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice just happens to be stretched a little thin right now," stated Perino, "what with the global energy summit and fall clothing sales in New York."

In an unrelated, but happier note, the White House today announced that the initial ultrasound results for first daughter Jenna Bush revealed that the president will soon have a grandson. The president was reportedly ecstatic upon viewing the picture, which has subsequently been classified, but registered some slight disappointment when the juxtaposition of the umbilicus was pointed out to him.

 

09/25/07 BREAKING: Bush Authorizes US Attacks on Myanmar

 

Yangon, Myanmar (UPSI) - Hundreds of bomb blasts shook the night sky of Yangon, the capital of Myanmar, and the city was plunged into darkness and confusion as American stealth fighters rained guided ordinance down upon key military junta installations. President Bush is expected to address the nation within the hour to outline the reasons behind what is viewed as a new opening in the war on terror. The surprise attack comes after the president offered harsh criticisms to the government of Myanmar and other dictatorships on the floor of the UN this morning.

Preliminary word from the White House indicated that the president had authorized the surgical strike and invasion on the basis of evidence that the military junta was attempting to acquire nuclear technology. In a variation of a successful sniper baiting tactic employed in Iraq against insurgents and terrorists, the White House stated that it had earlier dropped a shipment of aluminum tubes suitable only for centrifuge use covertly into the country as bait. When individuals then attempted to gather the materials, this was viewed as proof of nuclear intentions and the preventive attack authorized. The White House refused comment on the possibility that a similar international sting operation had been employed three weeks ago during an Israeli strike against Syria.

"We have high hopes that this will be a rapid campaign, and that the monks will be throwing flowers at the feet of our soldiers," stated White House press secretary Dana Perino. "In light of the newly expanded war front we will be dropping the term "war on terror" and substituting it with "war for freedom and democracy"."

Initial reports from Yangon claimed that thousands of monks and protesters have been killed or injured in the initial blasts. Reporters embedded with expeditionary American troops are saying that resistance has been limited to an occasional tracer round and monkeys throwing dung at the feet of American soldiers.

 

 

09/24/07 Brady Bunch Jan and Marsha Lesbian Encounter Still Photo Surfaces

 

Holywood, CA (DMZ) - New photographic evidence of a possible brief sexual affair between former child stars Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb of the 70s family show The Brady Bunch has surfaced. The picture, a still shot taken in the girl's bedroom set for the show, depicts the two being interrupted during an intimate moment. The photo has surfaced as an expectant public awaits the release of Maureen McCormick's autobiography which will reportedly document the "crush" between the two girls.

McCormick states that she is not embarrassed by the relationship or the photograph that has surfaced. She stated that she has decided to openly express her feelings in regards to the relationship in support of all teenage girls who sometimes experience these urges normally.

McCormick goes on to state that the relationship was brief and likely evolved as a result of what she describes as lack of interest from their "immature" male costars.

In her autobiography, McCormick reportedly further goes on to describe her problems with cocaine addiction. She refused to answer questions and spoil for readers her revelations as to the origins of her addiction, but many believe that she will name the Brady's high-energy housekeeper, Alice Nelson portrayed by Ann B. Davis.

 

 

09/24/07 Iranian President Arrested Outside Ground Zero

 

New York, NY (UPSI) - Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested this morning outside Ground Zero, the site of the attack on the World Trade Center in what was described as an FBI sting operation. Ahmadinejad was caught attending a covert visit to the shrine, and FBI agents are reporting that three unnamed MoveOn members have been netted in the undercover operation.

Dana Perino, White House press secretary stated that this morning was a victory in the worldwide terror war. "Ahmadinejad was caught attempting to smuggle in a huge donation to this infamous "political action committee" that had agreed to escort him to the hallowed ground of the World Trade Center collapse. The FBI caught wind of the plot and we pounced."

Iranian officials immediately decried the US action, insisting on the president's release. A spokesperson for the Iranian embassy insisted that Ahmadinejad was contacted earlier this morning and offered what was described as a State Department sanctioned tour of the site when he was taken into custody by FBI agents.

A spokesperson for MoveOn.org issued a statement disavowing any knowledge of a meeting with the Iranian firebrand. "We were just informed that one of our usual wealthy donors was insisting on a meeting place change this time. Our members simply cooperated with the FBI as they were arrested."

The White House refused further comment insisting that investigations were still ongoing.

 

 

09/21/07 Congress Condemned With Second New York Times AD

 

New York, NY (Rotters)- In a vote of 3,100,000 to 100,000 yesterday, the members of a massive nationwide progressive political action group voted overwhelmingly to place a second ad in the New York Times this weekend condemning the U.S. Congress for wasting time condemning them over their previous ad condemning General David Petraeus as "General Betray us". The ad implies that both houses of Congress, in particular the leadership, are "Ass-kissing little chickenshits", a term which has been used to refer to General Petraeus by his superiors in the past.

Congress has vowed to convene a special session this weekend to vote on another condemnation of the latest ad. Preliminary polling of the Senate indicates that the condemnation would pass handily with 80 votes for and 20 votes against. This margin guarantees that there would be no veto from the president.

The White House refused to directly comment on either the ad or Congress's proposed response. "Unlike the blatantly partisan smear directed at General Petraeus, they may actually have a point here," stated White House spokesperson Dana Perino. "The President is happy to see the national dialogue gravitate towards these more important and debatable issues, but is clearly disappointed over the language."

 

 

09/19/07 Dan Rather Tasered by CBS Security Outside New York Studio

 

New York, NY (APE) - Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather was tasered outside of CBS's New York studios late this afternoon after he had earlier announced his intent to sue his former employer for $70 million. A spokesperson for CBS security stated that Rather, and a group of former newsroom employees had shown up at the dressing room of his replacement news anchor Katie Couric, and burst in demanding that she surrender some of Rather's personal effects and documents. Couric was apparently blocked from leaving the room but was able to access 911 on her cell phone and record what transpired.

Rather became enraged when CBS security showed up and refused to be escorted off the premises. Rather was physically dragged from the premises by security officers, and as tensions and words escalated, a spokesman for CBS security admitted that Rather was indeed tasered by a security officer on the sidewalk outside the studio. Rather was, at that point, taken into custody by NYPD along with three other individuals who have yet to be named. An apparent profanity laced recording of the incident was confiscated on Couric's personal cell phone.

Couric later reported that one of them might have been wielding a gun and wasn't sure, but would be willing to go on record that there was a gun present.

A spokesperson for NYPD stated that Rather, in custody, had not been charged as yet, but that they were looking into the possibility of charging him with kidnapping and threatening with a deadly weapon.

Rather's legal counsel and family friend stepped forward to insist that the former newscaster was the victim of a setup. "Dan was in the area when he received a phone call from Couric," stated his attorney. "She insisted that she had found actual type written evidence to back up the assertions made by the late Lt. Col. Jerry Killian in regards to the "sugarcoating" of George W. Bush's Texas Air National Guard duty. She told rather that CBS was in the process of selling the evidence to Fox news, and that it would be gone by the end of the day."

A spokesperson for CBS and Ms. Couric denied the allegations, and expressed sadness over what they termed, "late life mental instability" on the part of Rather, further tarnishing his distinguished career.

 

 

09/18/07 Blackwater

 

BLACKWATER

(Profound apologies to Patrick Simmons, and one of the greatest groups of all time, The Doobie Brothers
)

Well, we don’t need no draft, in this war we’re promotin
That ol’ Euphrates, she’s crawlin in shame
Blackhawks are thumpin
That minigun’s  pumpin
Blackwater keeps throwin Iraq to the grave

Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Yeah, keep Shiites in your sights
Gonna grease everything, from a hummer
Gonna grease everything all night
And we ain’t facin juries
For complaints as they  scurry and fall

Hell, we rain lead, we don’t care
Don’t make no difference who flees
Just stop that neat car from blowin up now
Yeah, I’d like to see that punk named Cheney stand
Stop the dance and walk th’ walk
And we’d be fillin all the body bags all roun

Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Oh Blackwater, rockin and rollin
Mercenary Goons , don’t you keep on shootin at me
Yeah, keep them Sunnis in sight
Gonna strafe everything, from a hummer
Gonna strafe everything all night
We ain’t facin no juries
No complaints as they scurry and fall

I’d like to see that punk named Cheney stand
By my hummer come and bake here in the sand
In the sand, bake here in the sand by my hummer
Walk th’ walk, who’s your daddy, we’ll live long
Wanna see that honky balk, honky balk, honky balk
We’ll shoot all night long

Bring it on baby! Bring it on baby! All night long!

 

 

09/18/07 Bush Loses Iraq War Funding on Season Premier Deal or No Deal

 

Hollywood, CA (Rotters) - Democrats in Washington today celebrated, as a stunned President George W. Bush lost all Iraq war funding on a special premiere episode of the third season of "Deal or No Deal". The White House immediately released a statement that the president was under no obligation to abide by the rules of the contest, in that it was his understanding that he was merely playing for charity this evening.

Celebrations erupted on military bases across the United States and in Iraq from GIs who had tuned in to the episode. Iraqi President Nouri al-Maliki reportedly declared an official holiday for tomorrow as spontaneous gunfire erupted across Iraq sending tracers into the early dawn sky.

The president had reportedly lost funding down to approximately $1 billion when he made the fatal decision to go for broke and wound up with nothing.

Democrats in Congress vowed to hold the president responsible for his actions insisting that the results of the popular game show were vetoproof.

In a new development, new game show host Drew Carey has reportedly offered the White House the chance to reinstate funding and reclaim the war in Iraq on his premiere episode of "The Price Is Right."
.

 

09/16/07 PostSecret Site Shut Down Over National Security

 

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Thousands of fans worldwide were stunned to find today that the popular ongoing artistic experimental website PostSecret had been shut down overnight and replaced by a heretofore unknown blogger profile simply called "Nicole". Rumors have spread that the website was shut down over concerns of national security, but spokespersons for the White House, Department of Justice, FBI, and the CIA have steadfastly refused to confirm the allegations.

When news of the site shut down broke early this morning, bloggers began combing readily available archival content online, and many insist that they have found a posting from early February 2007 which may be responsible. The postcard in question depicts President Bush in a boat fishing with his father, the former President, and scrawled across the picture is the phrase, "I miss the way I used to feel." On the reverse of the card and in the same handwriting are two simple sentences: "I made a horrible mistake when we envaded(sic) Iraq. I'm sorry".

Handwriting analysts have compared the text with the president's infamous handwritten "bathroom break memo" from a UN meeting in 2005, and have declared the postcard to be a match within 98% certainty.

PostSecret was established as an ongoing social/artistic experiment in which people are encouraged to submit their darkest secrets under conditions of anonymity. Created by Frank Warren, it has displayed upwards of 2500 miniature works of art from people in the United States and across the world. Warren had recently begun branching out into YouTube with a new experimental "PostSecret Mini-Movie".

Warren today vowed to "continue the experiment in whatever capacity". "It is very liberating to finally be able to reveal that the problems at the website were due to ongoing secret FBI investigations since July of this year. Secrets are toxic, and this has been once again demonstrated to me firsthand. The spirit of the site remains intact, and anyone, no matter their stature or occupation in life should have the benefit of confession."

 

09/14/07 Bush Announces Bill Belichick as New Attorney General

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a surprise announcement early this morning at the White House, President Bush announced that he would be putting forward the nomination of former New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick as the new US Attorney General to replace disgraced former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Belichick was recently found guilty of covertly videotaping opposing team's signals after an NFL investigation, and fined $500,000. Belichick resigned his duties as head coach earlier this morning, and the White House announced that he had received a full presidential pardon. Under pressure from the White House the NFL had agreed to forgive the fine after the head coach's resignation.

"I seem to have inherited a fairly demoralized group," stated Belichick after the president's introduction, "but this team of attorneys has some real talent and I think we can turn them into contenders in pretty short order."

The White House refused to disclose terms of Belichick's contract, but it is rumored to be in the millions and with a taxpayer-funded signing bonus as well.

"This man understands the need for security and vigilance." stated President Bush. "He's got some great ideas on both offense and defense in our ongoing struggle to push our necessary domestic wiretapping policy past the new FISA rules. What's more, Bill is a true Patriot."

The White House downplayed concerns over Belichick's lack of legal experience stating that this should be viewed as more of an asset.

"We've got a whole team of young, eager Regent Law School graduates ready to assist Mr. Belichick in any way," stated White House spokesperson Dana Perino."The goal will be to not have him bogged down in the mundane, day-to-day legalese and management concerns, but to focus on ways to increase homeland security through covert monitoring in all forms."

Senate Democrats immediately decried the president's appointment vowing to oppose and overthrow it during confirmation hearings. The White House has reportedly offered a counter proposal of three first round primary election picks for the 2008 season, if the Democrats will allow confirmation.

 

09/14/07 President Addresses War Weary Nation

 

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - A struggling Iraqi President, Nuri al-Maliki, made a special television address tonight to the Iraqi people, appealing for patience with his controversial "absorption" strategy in the ongoing occupation by the Americans. The special address, was estimated to have been viewed by well over 300 people nationwide with some viewing the 15 minute speech in its entirety before loss of power.

The president appealed for a delay in the shedding of blood of American soldiers until government forces and police could be trained and armed to force the issue of withdrawal of American forces. He urged citizens to comply with relocation and deportation efforts underway to promote a safer and more tolerably segregated Iraq.

Maliki mentioned the loss of a brave tribal sheik in Al Anbar province who was just yesterday murdered in a roadside bombing, presumably by Al Qaeda sympathizers. "He killed many Americans, and he will be sorely missed," stated Maliki.

Maliki quoted facts and figures from the Department of Defense as well as the Iraqi Ministry indicating that Iraqi casualties were down while American casualties remained the same since the implementation of his "absorption" strategy. He stated that the deaths were "a small price to pay for the eventual liberation of Iraq"

"I have met with, and you have heard from Muqtada al-Sadr", stated Maliki, "and today I will put into place his recommendations for a step down and rotation of forces out of Baghdad. As America steps out, we will step up again."

Maliki read a letter from the mother and father of a recent Shia car bomber. The parents thanked Maliki for the opportunity to give their sons life for what they described as the honorable goal of the eventual liberation of Iraq. "Freedom is not Free", the parents were quoted as saying.

Maliki insisted that the war on terrorizers was ongoing and would likely continue for years after his administration, and that there likely would never be a clear victory.

Maliki faces growing discontentment from a population whose recent polling indicates that 80% want America out of Iraq immediately. He has maintained that his controversial absorption strategy is working and just needs more time.

 

09/12/07 "Leave Petraeus Alone" Video Surfaces

 

DBZ.Com - A new video has surfaced on the Internet with an anonymous poster tearfully defending the reputation and recent performance of Commanding General David Petraeus. The author mocks critics who panned the recent performance of the Iraqi "surge" architect before both houses of Congress earlier this week. Thus far the video has received over 2 million hits on YouTube alone. A transcript follows(warning: explicit language).

"How f**king dare anyone out there make fun of Petty after all he's been through," the anonymous poster said.

"I'm looking at a divorce, I've got two kids... and I've turned out to be a user, a cheater... and now I'm going back into a hopeless battle. All you people care about is talking points and taking money away from me. I'm only human.

"What you don't realize is I'm making some of us a lot of money, and all you do is write crap about me!

"We're gonna perform this surge for years. The surge is calling "give us more time" for a reason - because I want more, more, more, more, more... leave me alone.

"You're lucky I even decided to decide for you bastards. Leave Petraeus and me alone... please.

"Cheney always talks about "presidential"... he says if I had been presidential I would have pulled it off no matter what... speaking of presidential, when is it not presidential to bash someone who's giving me a hard time! Leave Petraeus alone! Pleeeease!

"Leave David Petraeus alone RIGHT NOW! I mean it!!!

"Anybody who has a problem with me, you deal with it... because I'm not well right now!

"(Sobbing)... leave me alone...

 

 

09/10/07 Britney, Bin-Laden Comebacks Flop: Collaboration Rumored

 

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Reporters for O! Online have learned that there are plans in the works for a possible joint comeback tour for Britney Spears featuring Osama bin Laden. This comes after independent disastrous performances by both over this past weekend. Bin Laden had released his latest video, which has been universally panned by critics for its post-editing flaws and obvious overdubbing and lip sync problems. A noticeably nervous Britney Spears was blasted last night for her performance in her long heralded comeback appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards. Spears was noted to suffer as well some of the same lip sync problems and lack of animation as displayed by bin Laden during her performance last night.

Noted terrorist video producer Adam Gadahn, or "Azzam the American", stepped forward last night on an Islamic fundamentalist website to claim responsibility for bin Laden's poor performance in his latest video.

"No one was more disappointed than me," stated Gadahn, "and honestly I came this close to being decapitated. It was a real miscalculation upon my part, and the new material we came up with for Osama just didn't work. Also, but this is no excuse, choreography, rehearsal, and other production concerns are a little difficult in a safe house."

A spokesperson for Ms. Spears who was contacted admitted that a possible deal was in the works, and that the previously frosty relationship between Spears and bin Laden had been warming somewhat. Spears, a formerly adamant supporter of President Bush and his policies has said after 9/11, "I think we should all just trust the president", but now may be rethinking her affiliation over the five year Iraq war.

Photographs from rehearsals are rumored to have have cropped up on the Internet, but spokespersons for both artists have denied that any collaboration has begun in earnest as yet.

A number of sticking points between both artists have been identified.

Spears reportedly has been adamant in her refusal to wear the black sequined burka insisted upon by bin Laden stating that, "it chafes". After critics made light of her possible weight gain during her MTV performance last night, Spears is rumored to be reconsidering the burka. A deal has also reportedly been worked out in which Spears, who has had to face growing criticism over her parenting, will hand over childcare responsibilities of sons Sean Preston and Jayden James to a local Los Angeles madrasa.

The Spears camp reportedly has been concerned in regards to bin Laden's overall stage presentation, but his recent trim and dye job appears to have alleviated this. Bin Laden's insistence upon a position for his niece, performer Wafah Dufour, had been a minor sticking point, but a spokesperson for Spears stated that they have given her, "a second look". The Spears spokesperson admitted that Dufour was very attractive, and talented, and could possibly be featured as a backup singer and dancer to Britney.

"Give Me Bush" will reportedly be the first collaborative video between the two.

"This one could really be magical and controversial," stated Hollywood critic Jiminy Glick. "Let's be honest, both of these folks are going nowhere right now. They just may be able to provide that certain creative spark for each other that will allow them to be able to electrify audiences once again. Everything has changed since 9/11."

 

09/09/07 Dubya and Jebbus: Surgeball

The Unofficial Official Rules of Surgeball

 

1.1   Do not talk about Surgeball.

1.2   You do not talk about Surgeball, there is no debate.

1.3   If someone says "stop" they’re limp and liberal, Surgeball’s not over.

1.4   Only 12 factions to Surgeball at a time.

1.5   Surgeball will go on until the decider says it is over.

1.6   If this is your first Surgeball, and you have money, you don't have to play.

1.7   All players must wear Surgeball armor and masks.  No one questions the armor.

 

 

*IMPORTANT -- the following rules are subject to be changed, amended, deleted, or ignored if the decider is involved.

 

2.1 The decider may declare a new rule at any point in Surgeball.  The decider may do this audibly or clandestinely, depending upon what zone his opponents are in.

2.2 The decider may use the Surgeball in any way the decider sees fit, whether it be to incur injury upon other players, or to deny benefits for the players.

2.3 Any penalty legislation may be in the form of rendition, slander, or any degradation the decider wishes to execute upon the other player.

2.4 The Surgeball field should consist of tiny areas or zones which are governed by a set of rulers decided upon by the decider.  Zones may appear, shrink, and disappear as often and whenever the decider decides. For example a green zone would enable the decider to subcontract any services. Or a pernicious car bomb place would require the decider to deny what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable the decider to declare reverse casualties and blame them on the others.

2.5 Swag shall be stolen by players whom the decider has also assigned the power and rules which shall govern that swag.

2.6 Spins are an integral part of Surgeball, and talking points must be broadcast spontaneously throughout the game when constantly denied screw ups occur.

2.7 Score, if kept, may be fudged or disregarded.  In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on Surgeball nor shall it have any legal consequences.

Any rule above that is carried out during the course of Surgeball may be recycled repeatedly, in the event that it causes the same result as the previous game. Surgeball must always be played out the same way.

Surgeball Equipment

3.1 Mask-All participants are required to mask their true objectives

3.2 Surgeball - A Surgeball may be made of yellowcake uranium, or oil fields, hardened military bases, or any other unreasonable goal.

3.3 Surgeball Field- The Surgeball field should be any small to moderate sized, poorly defended country, preferably with desert, rocks, sand, oil, and other natural resources.

3.4 Miscellaneous- Other optional equipment includes swag, benchmarks, helicopters, tanks, Humvees, mosques, phosphor, landmines, IED’s, and anything else the decider wishes to include. 

 

09/07/07 Bush, Putin Wrestle over Arms at APEC Summit

 

Sydney, Australia (UPSI) - President Bush yesterday met with Russian President Vladimir Putin as part of the ongoing APEC summit in Sydney Australia, and reportedly further discussed the US proposed controversial antimissile radar system for Poland which has created a rift between the two leaders. "We recognize that we can do better solving problems when we work together," stated Bush. Putin further claimed that the leaders had agreed to meet and travel to Azerbaijan to discuss the Russian counterproposal of a cooperative radar and antimissile system to be based there. The White House later denied that any such agreement had been reached.

During a photo opportunity later in the day, Bush chided Putin in a good-natured manner over recent pictures of the Russian president in which he was photographed bare chested during a fishing trip in Russia.

"I like fishing too," Bush joked, "but I prefer deep sea fishing... it's a lot better workout for the arms. Now don't get me wrong, I think ol' Pooty is in pretty good shape, but it looks like his arms are suffering a little bit from that fly fishing."

Putin, in a like manner, then insisted that Bush prove his point, and the two then proceeded to strip down to their shorts for reporters in attendance. After posing for a number of photos the two sparred over the merits of judo versus bicycling in their own personal fitness. Bush agreed to participate with Putin in a demonstration of a typical chokehold for reporters, and was quickly rendered into unconscious submission.

 

09/07/07 Nude Vanessa Hudgens to be Featured in High School Musical version of "Hair"

Burbank, CA (O! Online) - Rather than panic over the recent release of apparently authentic nude pictures of 18-year-old High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens, Walt Disney Studios today announced that it would be going ahead with plans for a cable only release of its remake of the controversial antiwar musical, "Hair". Hair will star Hudgens and the entire cast of High School Musical and reportedly will include the controversial nude scene that was featured on Broadway during its run in the late 60s and early 70s.

"This just seemed to be an opportune moment for Disney studios to broaden its markets a little, and kind of distance ourselves a bit from some "family values" political affiliations which have become a little creatively stifling," stated Disney CEO Robert Eiger. "Healthy sexuality, with an antiwar message seems to be more of what the young American public is interested in. We at Disney applaud Ms. Hudgens for her progressive views and her recent decision, as was said during the period, to 'let it all hang out'."

"The Disney brand will be the same," assured Eiger, "we will just be attempting to address a more mainstream set of family values with the High School Musical cast's interpretation of "Hair".

 

09/06/07 Bush, Rice Strengthen Relations at APEC Summit

 

Sydney, Australia (Rotters) - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice yesterday bristled at remarks from former US Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage who had accused Bush and Rice of neglecting relationships in Asia secondary to the ongoing difficulties in Iraq. "We have been extremely involved in Asia," stated Rice, in an interview with the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. "I think our relationship has grown stronger in this region."

Bush has been attending the weeklong conference, mixing business with pleasure and vacation, prior to his anticipated early departure next week for the White House's all-important rewriting of the heavily anticipated "Petraeus Report" on the war in Iraq. First lady Laura Bush declined the Australian trip secondary to back problems, and the likely danger involved with the president's surprise visit to an isolated air base in Iraq earlier this week.

"We have one of the strongest relationships that any administration has ever had," concluded Rice, "it's a complex relationship, and we all serve at the pleasure of the president. War tends to bring people closer, and can sometimes have a positive effect on relationships."

 

09/05/07 iPod Touch Hacked Within Hours of Release

 

Rochester, NJ (UPSI) - Rochester Institute of technology freshman George Hotz, who last month successfully hacked Apple's iPhone, today announced that he had successfully hacked and produced a dial tone on Apple's newly announced iPod Touch. Utilizing a combination of a SIM chip and software, Hotz claims that he has been able to access phone services through all major US wireless carriers.

Apple chief executive Steve Jobs had earlier unveiled the new device in San Francisco, announcing that there would be an 8 GB version for $299 as well as a 16 GB version for $399. The music player is reportedly the first of its kind to allow web browsing and music download access through WiFi.

"I call it the iPod Touchtone. I just modified the device and included the SIM chip to show people that it could be done," stated Hotz from his dorm room in Rochester. "This is just for people who still like playing by the rules... in actuality, with this hack, the SIM chip is excess baggage. With WiFi access, and a Skype account, it's all free and you don't need a wireless provider at all."

Apple had earlier announced that it was going to be discontinuing its 4 GB version of the iPhone due to lackluster sales, and had marked the phones down to $199 nationwide. By the end of the day, supplies of the model had disappeared from shelves into the hands of consumers hoping to convert them to iPod Touchtones.

 

09/04/07 Senator Craig Comes to Defense of Jerry Lewis

 

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Former Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig today made a special flight to Hollywood for an appearance in support of Muscular Dystrophy Telethon host Jerry Lewis. Lewis earlier this weekend in the 18th hour of his telethon had used a term derogatory towards gays and lesbians, and had subsequently come under fire by the national organization GLAAD, which was insisting upon an apology from the former comedian and movie star. Lewis had issued an immediate apology yesterday, but Craig insisted today that he(Lewis) had nothing to apologize for, and vowed to help him fight "unfair criticism" from a group of what he described as "naughty, nasty boys and girls".

"I will not stand idly by and watch this American icon be drug through the mud, much as I was," stated Craig to assembled reporters and paparazzi. "He was tired after hours of performing, and the word just came out... a word, I might add, which is perfectly appropriate, and that I, ironically, was searching for in a tragic incident in Minneapolis in June."

"I am not gay and never have been," continued Craig, "and neither is Mr. Lewis. I have looked into his eyes, deeply, and seen him for what he is, a sadly, and tragically misunderstood, funny and likable man, who is now under attack from some very naughty and nasty people."

Lewis thanked the senator for his support, and again apologized to any who were offended by his remarks. To the delight of those present, he then embraced former Senator Craig in a bear hug and kissed him full on the lips before departing.

 

 

09/04/07 Bush Begins Bringing Troops Home from Iraq

 

Al-Anbar, Iraq (Rotters) - Citing tremendous successes with his surge strategy during a surprise visit to Iraq, President Bush today announced that the Pentagon would be able to begin sending a number of GIs home early. A dozen serviceman will accompany the president to Australia for his meeting with Australian President John Howard and the APEC conference, after which they will return home to an early discharge if desired, with full honors.

 

The president cited the individuals and the work they had done as evidence that his surge strategy was continuing to pay off. He stated that their sacrifice had ultimately rewarded themselves with an earlier rotation home as many of their comrades have endured extended 15 month or longer tours.

"Iraqi civilian deaths are way up over the last few months," stated Bush , "which is evidence that Al Qaeda is becoming more desperate. Every dead Iraqi means one more that won't be attacking our troops or being threatened by Al Qaeda."

"We've all got to continue to make sacrifices in the war on terror," Bush stated to reporters. "As you might know Laura didn't accompany me on this trip because of problems with her back. There was plenty of room for her to recline and fly in comfort, but instead she elected to give up her seat for one of these fine young men."

The White House stated that they were anticipating being able to rotate home another 500 troops by years end, provided Congress elected to continue funding the war effort.

 

09/01/07 Chupacabra DNA Testing Results Partially Human!

 

Washington, DC (APE) - In a stunning announcement late today, scientists at the investigatory arm of the Natural History Museum in Washington, DC stated that DNA obtained from the controversial Chupacabra specimen in Cuero, Texas as well as another reportedly identical specimen obtained from a rural, Maryland area were virtually identical and contained roughly 80% human DNA. The second specimen was killed outside the home of a Mary Cheney, and submitted for further examination to the Natural History Museum. Scientists there have tentatively named the apparently new species "Chupacabra Chenensis"

"Amazingly, it does appear that this is a new species altogether," stated a museum scientist. "It is a truly one-of-a-kind cold-blooded mammal which indeed sucks the blood from its prey in order to survive. 80% of the DNA does indeed match up with that identified through the Human Genome Project, and the remainder appears to be a hodgepodge of genes comparable to that of a leech, a vampire bat, and an ordinary dog. On autopsy, there are high concentrations of melanin throughout the tissues of the internal organs, imparting a dark pigmentation throughout. The heart itself appears blacker than crude oil."

Scientists insisted that there were very minimal differences between the specimen found in Maryland and that being examined from Cuero, Texas. The Texas specimen has been tentatively named "Chupacabra Walkerii".

"Undoubtedly these things have caused a lot of misery and great fear and damage to people and their livelihoods," stated the museum spokesperson, "but it's clear that they don't really present much of a threat anymore. I would urge people to take consolation in the fact that they appear to have a very short lifespan, something on the order of six to eight years. They appear to be undergoing real problems with environmental stressors leading to some gender confusion issues and resulting in unproductive coupling. They are actually quite pathetic and weak, and easily dealt with when exposed to the light of day."

08/31/07 Michael Vick to Star in Remake of Old Yeller

 

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Robert Eiger today announced that after a long series of negotiations Disney Studios has signed former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick to star in an upcoming remake of the Disney classic "Old Yeller". It is anticipated that the project will resurrect flagging Disney video sales as well as bolster the career of the recently disgraced quarterback.

"Screenings have shown that we may possibly have a winner on our hands here," stated Eiger. "The audience that we could count on for tears when old yeller dies has quadrupled. Disney Studios is also proud to do what we are able in order to salvage the reputation of a fine young man and athlete in Michael Vick."

"Old Yeller" has been rated R for excessive violence, but Disney Studios assures families that no dogs were ultimately harmed throughout filming.

 

08/29/07 Bush Announces Craig as Pick to Replace Attorney General Gonzales

 

Washington, DC (APE) - In a quiet ceremony early this morning at the White House President Bush today announced that he would be pushing forward with his nomination of Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig as his replacement for embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Critics expressed concerns that the nomination was likely doomed from the outset, predicting that rigorous confirmation hearings in the Senate may conflict with recently announced ethics proceedings against Senator Craig. The White House stated that the ethics proceedings were now a moot point as the president had issued a full presidential pardon to Senator Craig in conjunction with today's appointment.

"Since when has this administration ever strayed away from controversy," stated President Bush to reporters afterwards. "I have spoken with Larry, and I've looked into his eyes and his soul, and he says that these groundless charges are behind him, and I believe him. This man has been through the mud, he knows mud, and he's wrestled in mud. He is the right man for the job at this time, and he will be charged with restoring credibility to the Justice Department. He has a wide stance on all issues, and he handles himself well under pressure. His core set of beliefs are emblematic of this administration and he should fit in well."

Craig briefly thanked the president for the opportunity to serve at his pleasure, and pledged to have the problems at the Justice Department "zipped up as soon as possible".

Democratic majority leader Harry Reid was reached for comment, and agreed that Craig's confirmation hearings would likely be fraught with difficulties. "We had cautioned the president against another partisan appointment," stated Reid. "Instead, what we get is a backdoor appointment of a master of Republican stall tactics."

 

 

08/28/07 iPhone Hacker Hotz Taken from Dormitory by ATT Security

 

Rochester, NJ (UPSI) - In a raid early this morning entering freshmen and famous iPhone hacker George Hotz was taken into custody by AT&T security from his dorm room at the Rochester Institute of Technology. Sources close to Hotz also stated that 3 8GB iPhones and a Nissan 350Z sports car were seized in the raid.

"I always thought the stories about "Phone Cops" were just an urban legend," stated Hotz' roommate who wished to remain anonymous. "These guys were large and in charge."

An AT&T spokesperson commended security personnel for a smooth and seamless operation and stated that they would be visiting the parents of Mr. Hotz later in the day. "Naturally we cannot release any details at this point," stated the AT&T spokesperson, "particularly in a case involving issues of national security. We have been working closely with the Justice Department and have strong evidence that three modified iPhones were on their way to Russia and into the hands of terrorists."

A spokesperson for the Department of Justice stated that there was indeed a close relationship with AT&T as well as other telephone service providers through any of a number of warrantless wiretap programs underway, but couldn't recall any further specifics. He also confirmed that AT&T security had been duly deputized to proceed on it's own authority secondary to domestic law enforcement shortages nationwide.

"Everything has changed since 9/11," stated the Justice Department spokesperson, "and the American public needs to be aware of the ways in which terrorists will try to attack our country. Anything that affects the profits of a major American company affects us all."

Hotz is reportedly being detained in an undisclosed location according to AT&T security officials. "AT&T wants to assure the public that Mr. Hotz is accorded all the rights guaranteed him under his status as an enemy combatant. A representative of the American Psychological Association is present during all interrogations."

A call to Hotz' parents at their home went unanswered.

 

 

08/27/08 Idaho Senator Larry Craig to Enter Sexual Rehab

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - A spokesperson for the offices of Idaho Senator Larry Craig late tonight announced that the senator would be resigning his position in the Mitt Romney presidential campaign and would be checking into a controversial sexual rehab clinic located in Florida. This announcement came after it was revealed earlier today that the senator had pled guilty to a disorderly conduct charge after being arrested in a men's bathroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul international Airport.

Craig staffers had earlier insisted that the senator had simply pled guilty for the sake of expediency, when in reality he had committed no offense.

A Police statement indicated that Craig had been peeking through the door of a stall occupied by an undercover policeman in a bathroom well known for illegal public sexual conduct. The statement further alleged that Craig went into the adjacent stall and attempted to nudge the foot of the undercover policeman and eventually reached under the stall with his hand.

Craig earlier in the day had explained away the apparent inappropriate contact by insisting that he had "a wide stance", and that the contact was inadvertent. He also stated that he indeed had reached under the stall but was simply attempting to retrieve a piece of paper that he had dropped.

Late this evening police authorities confirmed that Craig had indeed appeared to be passing a piece of paper underneath the stall and that this was taken into evidence. The paper is reportedly a series of pictures of a partially nude Vladimir Putin on a fishing trip in Russia.

"The senator now recognizes that he has a problem," stated a Craig staffer, "and for the sake of his wife and his family he has elected to enter a treatment program for his affliction."

The new program called simply, "Promises, Promises" is based in Fort Lauderdale Florida and attempts to treat latent homosexuality through sensory flooding techniques. Former Florida Representative Mark Foley has stepped forward and agreed to be Craig's sponsor throughout the program and upon discharge.

 

08/27/08 Acting Attorney General Gonzales Arrested Attempting to Flee Country

 

Dallas, TX (UPSI) - After announcing his resignation early this morning in Washington, DC, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was arrested at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport apparently attempting to flee the country. Gonzalez reportedly presented a false passport and a one-way ticket to Paraguay which raised the suspicions of transportation safety personnel on duty. Authorities would not confirm a rumor that the Attorney General was carrying over $15 million in large bills in a small carry-on diplomatic pouch.

When taken into custody, Gonzales reportedly began flashing a business card to officers and shouting "Do you know what this is? Do you know who I am? Does this mean anything to you?"

"This is all a terrible misunderstanding," offered White House spokesperson Dana Perino. "Mr. Gonzales was simply attempting to spend more time with his family... who had left for Paraguay for an extended vacation at the Bush compound earlier this week." The Gonzalez family was reportedly joining the Rove family for a working vacation and strategy session for the final 16 months of the Bush administration.

Senate majority leader Harry Reid revealed that Gonzales had been under what amounted to "double secret probation" and that this was a clear violation of the agreement he had earlier negotiated with the White House. Senator Patrick Leahy stated that the Judiciary Committee hearings would resume immediately.

A spokesperson for the Attorney General's office insisted that this was merely further evidence of a "democrat witchhunt" gone out of control. "Folks forget that he's still the Attorney General until September 17th," stated the spokesperson, "I would be very surprised if these circumstances merited any further investigation."

 

08/26/07 Spectacular Lunar, Martian Moon Eclipse Visible Tonight

 

Houston, Texas (APE) - NASA JPL scientists today released stunning pictures obtained from Mars Spirit Rover still in operation from its original 2004 mission. The computer enhanced photographs depicted the beginning lunar eclipse which will be viewable early Tuesday morning in the vast majority of the Northern and Southern hemispheres of earth, only from a Martian perspective.

An added treat to the photograph is a rare juxtaposition in which the Martian moon Phobos is in alignment with both the Earth and Moon during the eclipse, and subsequently appears to consume both larger bodies over the course of a few hours. This comes at a time when the Earth and Mars are approaching their closest approximation to each other in decades.

"We were a little bored one night, and there was a break in some of the sandstorms which have been ravaging Mars," stated a JPL technician. "Someone came up with the bright idea of pointing the telescope back towards the Earth and enhancing a bit and this is what we got."

Mars Spirit Rover is currently still operating years after its initial mission, and the Bush administration has insisted that a manned flight to Mars is still within the nation's grasp and has been made a top priority.

"This is just one of the more spectacular views that a visitor to Mars might encounter," stated a JPL spokesperson. "We fully support the president in his mission, and the technology exists to send him there personally tomorrow if he so desired."

 

 

 

08/24/07 Castro Undead at 81

 

Havana, Cuba (UPSI) - Rumors spread wildly this afternoon across much of Miami and other large US urban centered Cuban communities regarding the possible death of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. The Cuban health ministry issued a statement confirming a minor setback in Castro's overall health, but maintained that stories of his demise were grotesquely exaggerated. Cuba's lifetime leader had just celebrated his 81st birthday earlier this month.

A spokesperson for the health ministry admitted that they had to resort to an unorthodox and controversial procedure in order to stabilize Castro this time, consulting with a voodoo priestess still practicing on the outskirts of Havana.

"There were some minor sticking points in regards to state views about religion," stated the spokesperson, "but these seem to have been resolved by Castro himself, and the procedure thus far has been a tremendous success. The president is resting in complete peace, much better than he has in a long time."

A quiet Castro posed for pictures immediately after the procedure to quell rumors of his death that had begun circulating among the populace.

"We can look forward to possibly another twenty years of productivity and leadership from the president," stated his personal physician. "He will have to make some major lifestyle changes, including extensive refrigeration throughout the presidential compound as well as maintaining a strict diet of mainly fresh, red meat. Nothing short of a major head injury would prevent the president from continuing his service to the Cuban people."

 

 

08/24/07 "Apackolies Now" Set for Release Nationwide on 9/11/07

Washington, DC (Rotters) - RNC productions in conjunction with writer, director, and producer Ari Fleischer announce the release nationwide of "Apackolies Now", a dramatic retelling and reframing of the Vietnam conflict, tying it into current events in Iraq.  The RNC has reportedly sunk over $30 million into special effects alone.  ABC television has agreed to debut the movie on 9/11/07 to commemorate the destruction of the World Trade Center towers.

The movie tells the tale of a fictionalized illicit invasion and occupation of another country by the United States and efforts to set the story right.  It is a classic journey into the dark of heartlessness, as Captain Willard infiltrates and is seduced by the violently aristocratic society set up by rogue operative Colonel Kurtz, and must then be a decider, as this artificial world crumbles around him.

"We're very hopeful that the American public will be receptive to the parallels that we have to offer," stated Director Fleischer.  "Folks tend to be inundated with defeatist messages from a lot of the revisionist portrayals of the Vietnam conflict.  This film offers a vision into what might have been if America had simply had the courage of its convictions and stayed the course in Vietnam.  These are important points to consider as our country is poised for a declared defeat by yet another Democratic Congress."

"Apackolies Now" is rated M for manure, and has been filmed entirely in digitally remastered Pandervision.

 

08/23/07 Putin Visits Flood Ravaged Midwest

 

Ottawa, Ohio (APE) - Russian President Vladimir Putin today made quite a stir as he showed up to inspect the damages in flood ravaged Ohio. Putin claimed to be appearing as a favor to friend and fellow world leader George W. Bush, who was busy with other duties, including a return from a leadership conference in Quebec, Canada.

The United States air defense network insisted that Putin's flight had been monitored all the way from Russia and had not, as was rumored, snuck in under America's radar systems.

Putin pledged whatever limited resources Russia could provide to flood survivors until US recovery aid would become available in the next two years.

"He was an awfully nice man, and he seemed to exude real leadership," stated Ottawa resident Fawn Lipinski. "I kind of liked the shirtless look, and he seemed very presidential."

Putin reportedly combined the damage inspections with some pleasure as aides claimed he hooked three goodly sized steely heads just off the corner of fifth and Main Street, in Ottawa.

 

 

08/22/07 Michael Vick Receives Presidential Pardon

 

Atlanta, GA (UPSI) - The White House today announced that President Bush would be issuing a full presidential pardon to embattled Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. The president met with Vick aboard Air Force One during a scheduled refueling stop early this morning at Atlanta's Hartsfield international Airport. The president's pardon renders moot a plea bargain agreement reached with federal prosecutors late last week in which it was widely believed that Vick would agree to plead guilty to charges that he was running an illegal dogfighting ring this coming Friday.

"The president thought long and hard about this decision, knowing full well that it would be controversial," stated White House spokesperson Dana Perino. "He felt that it was important to begin the healing process and have this sad state of events put behind the country. The president feels that Mr. Vick and the NFL have suffered enough, and that the loss of his career should be punishment enough."

"He's quite a charming young man," stated the president to reporters afterwards. "I do believe that he has learned his lesson, and I see no point in having this dragged out before the courts and televisions and further demeaning America's favorite pastime. They have come up with some fairly creative probationary requirements for Mike, including extensive community service at the Atlanta humane shelter. He has also graciously consented to do a little remedial training with my Barney as well."

The White House further stated that this was evidence that the president would continue to utilize his judicial pardon powers in a fair and equal manner, and that he was looking forward to an exciting NFL season this year. The president also accepted a Falcons' jersey with the number seven from Vick aboard Air Force One.

 

 

08/20/07 Calderon Returns to Mexico to Prepare for Hurricane Dean

 

Montebello, Canada (APE) - "I decided to return to Mexico as soon as possible." stated Mexican President Felipe Calderon. Calderon made the decision to cut short his participation in the North American Leader's Summit, as an ever strengthening category five Hurricane Dean seemed poised to strike the Yucatán Peninsula.

American President Bush reportedly urged Calderon to stay at the conference as a sign of strength and leadership to the Mexican people. He then offered his Mexican counterpart a gift of a guitar to cement the relations between the two peoples.

"My heart goes out to Pele, that's what I call him," stated President Bush. "You get into one of these mother nature situations sometimes, and there's not a heck of a lot you can do... no one can never predict what might happen. A lot of money is wasted in trying to prepare for everything, so you've got to learn to relax and go with the flood... err... flow. Playing guitar or fishing is a pretty good way to do it."

 

 

08/20/07 Rove Signs on With Clinton Campaign

 

Washington, DC (UPSI) - In a stunning yet somewhat predictable turn of events this morning the Hillary Clinton campaign announced the hiring of soon to be resigning Bush aide and master strategist, Karl Rove. Rove had appeared on a number of news and opinion shows over the past weekend during which he declared Clinton to be the likely Democratic presidential candidate, and one whom he described as "fatally flawed".

"Our curiosity was ultimately piqued by what Mr. Rove considered the Senator's fatal flaw," stated a Clinton campaign staffer. "The desire to see Ms. Clinton as the ultimate nominee is one which we of course have in common, and his would most certainly be a valuable insight."

Clinton welcomed Rove on board the campaign team last night at a public appearance, stating that he would be joining after his formal resignation from the Bush administration takes effect on August 31. The Clinton campaign refused to speculate over rumors that a deal had been struck in regards to the possibility of Mr. Rove having to testify before Congress in connection with alleged misdeeds.

"What can I say, I love a challenge and the money was good," stated Mr. Rove after the campaign appearance. "These character flaws are a piece of cake considering what I've had to work with in the past. I sincerely do believe that I can ultimately hand her the Democrat nomination. The archetype of the cuckold will be a tough workaround, but you go to the election with the candidate that you'd like
and not necessarily the one that you have."

 

 

08/18/07 "Knocked Up" a Summer Hit at White House and in DC

 

Washington, DC (O! Online) - For power loving Republican Party animal Henry Hager, the wildest dream of his presidentially connected girlfriend of many years showing up on his doorstep pregnant has finally come true. The up and coming international educator, author, and presidential daughter Jenna Bush suddenly has to stop her partying ways and plan for a Rose Garden wedding in three months. Hilarity ensues as Jenna's father attempts to use the wedding to resuscitate his dying presidency and Henry comes under pressure from his former mentor, Karl to sacrifice his own career to abort ongoing ethics investigations. Both families finally come together over issues around abstinence only birth control, and the president finally gets the son that he's always wanted.

Originally released this summer, "Knocked Up" has been rewritten and updated for a re-release worldwide sometime before the holiday season. It has been rated PG after the removal of nudity, strong sexual content, and alcohol and drug use.

 

 

08/17/07 White House Announces Wedding Surge

Crawford ,TX (APE) - White House spokesperson Dana Perino described the president as "incredibly excited, and driven" over the prospects of a rapid wedding and the acquisition of a new son in law. The president's daughter Jenna announced her engagement yesterday to long time beau Henry Hager after a vacation trip to the family compound in Maine. The White House later in the day announced that a coordinated surge would be launched to have a Rose Garden wedding prior to a late September deadline which reportedly is "looming larger by the day" according to White House sources.

"The president's friend and long time adviser Karl Rove has graciously consented to remain on board past his August resignation deadline to serve in the capacity of Chief Wedding Coordinator and strategist as a favor to the president," offered Dana Perino. "Negotiations are underway to have the president's personal pastor, reverend Luis Leon officiate the ceremony but there is a minor sticking point over a mandatory series of prenuptial birth control counseling sessions."

"Overall, the president and first lady are looking forward to spending time with more family," concluded Perino. "Colors for the wedding will likely be a pastel red in order to match the Rose Garden. The president is shooting for a traditional Texas style motif but will make every effort to respect the wishes of the bride and groom. All options, excluding elopement, are reportedly on the table."

Harper, a masters in business student at the University of Virginia and a young Republican rising star, is reportedly set to become the youngest ambassador in US history as he assumes the reins in the South American country of Paraguay. Jenna, the often bawdier of the set of twin first daughters has been teaching abroad since finishing her bachelor's degree in English at the University of Texas at Austin. She is currently working on publishing two books, one in conjunction with first lady Laura Bush, and is scheduled to begin work on a third controversial book examining the effectiveness of abstinence only birth control.

 

 

08/14/07 China Recalls Mattel

 

El Segundo, CA (Rotters) - Residents of El Segundo California were shocked to find this morning that the city's number one industry, Mattel Inc., had been boarded up overnight with the entire contents of the factory under recall from the parent manufacturer, China. Toy analysts had expected further possible recalls after lead paint warnings in regards to about 1.5 million preschool toys, but most were unprepared and disbelieving of the action taken today by the Chinese government.

Rumors persisted that the recall was undertaken after it was discovered that Mattel's traditional flagship toy lines of Barbie and Hot Wheels had been compromised. Chemical precursors for ethylene glycol, a poisonous compound used in anti-freeze had been found both in the Dental Hygienist Barbie playset, and throughout the entire Hot Wheels line in the tiny radiators of the popular diecast model cars. A spokesperson for Mattel who wished to remain anonymous refused to comment on whether lead had been found in the paint of the miniature cars.

"This was purely a business decision upon the part of the Chinese government," stated the Mattel spokesperson. "We were faced with unfeasible recalls for the near future, and it was determined that it would be much cheaper to simply recall the entire company, given the degree of indebtedness of the United States which is sustained and underwritten by the Chinese. Our inventory here in El Segundo has been evacuated to shipping containers and is already making the transpacific journey for less restrictive markets. Mattel management is being offered what is considered a fair buyout of their stocks and retirement plans, and those who are interested are being offered transportation to China for possible reeducation or training in effective suicide techniques."

 

08/13/07 Rove Resigns!

 

 

Washington, DC (UCS NEWS) by Dood Abides - White House political consultant Karl Rove announced to the press today that he will be resigning his position at the White House effective August 31. Mr. Rove granted an exclusive interview to UCS NEWS own Dood Abides over the weekend during which he outlined a number of the reasons for his departure and his overall plans for his future as well as the Bush administration. Rove thanked UCS for what he described as "remaining consistent with its own brand of the truth" and its "admirable abilities in presenting the totally ridiculous as gospel".

As to President Bush and his diminishing poll numbers, Rove insisted that a bounce was already underway, and expected numbers to return to well over 60% approval as the White House information system geared up to relay a deluge of good news from the surge in Iraq prior to September. "If you check your polls today," corrected Rove, "I think you'll find the president up at least eight points by the end of the day on news of my resignation alone. Misguided and pathetic as that is, we will take what we can get."

Rove also insisted that he would not be completely departed from the White House but serve in a consultative role, thus maintaining executive privilege status. "Contrary to what many pundits would have you believe, the president is finally able to use a Blackberry, and I will be able to provide up-to-the-minute contact and advice as events unfold. A whole new system of totally secure RNC servers and networking equipment is in place for just this purpose, and it is now perfectly legal thanks to a clause inserted in the recent FISA overall by Congress." Rove stated.

Rove went on to outline the family concerns that figured into his decision to step down: "If I may be frank, I have a son who is headed off to college. While this might be a time for more professional freedom for the average parent, we have become a little concerned over his political leanings, and he may require a little more supervision. That being said, I am totally supportive of his decision to join the Young Democrats in Austin, and excited over the prospect of his support for Hillary Clinton."

As to Republican party's chances for the coming presidential election year, Rove had this to say: "It's looking really good right now, believe it or not. Our candidate is way ahead in the polls. We may not need to even touch the race card this year, and running a campaign against a cuckolded wife should be a breeze. I think we have a real shot at retaining the White House and taking back both houses of Congress as the insurgency in Iraq is squelched through the president's strong leadership."

As to Mr. Rove's future professional plans, he had this to say: "I'm probably going to be even busier in resignation than when I was in the West Wing. As I said, I'll be supervising very closely my son's college career. In addition I'll be maintaining contact daily via Blackberry with the president. I will also likely leave the country briefly over the next six months in order to do some preliminary work for the establishment of the South American White House in Paraguay prior to Mr. Bush's arrival presumably sometime around the first of the year in 2009. Look for Alberto Gonzales to accompany me later as we attempt to iron out some of the sticking points between the two governments legal systems in regards to extradition."

When asked if this meant that he would be leaving politics, Mr. Rove concluded: "I think it was a Republican Senator, Newt Gingrich that once said, "It's all politics."I have been approached by a couple of the Republican presidential contenders campaigns, and I do love a challenge. While it may be the right thing to do, I think this whole 9/11 thing is something of a dead horse at this point, and it might be a tough sell for a candidate attempting to present himself as a hero, but it's salvageable. I think the new theme for the race will be simply "Law and Order" and anyone able to wrap themselves up in that will be in like Flint."

 

08/09/07 Nude Britney Pics Prompt State of Emergency in Pakistan

 

Los Angeles, CA (O! Online) - Pictures of a nude Britney Spears along with companion Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf surfaced today, prompting the dictator/president to declare a state of emergency in his home country. Eyewitness accounts stated that a drunken Spears had returned to the hotel and hot tub of her previous assignation with a 21-year-old college student, and demanded satisfaction from an older man. Musharraf, who apparently had had a bit to drink as well, stripped down and entered the tub with Miss Spears. Pictures of the incident have apparently surfaced in Pakistan prompting the Pakistani Congress to demand Musharraf's resignation.

A spokesperson for Musharraf insisted that the president was innocent, and had indeed been visiting the United States clandestinely in an effort to meet with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in regards to his possible presidential candidacy. Musharraf's spokesperson further stated that the President was obviously being set up by the American CIA.

Eyewitnesses consistently reaffirmed the story and specifics in regards to the meeting between the two. They stated that there was an obvious degree of mutual attraction between the two, with Spears referring to the president as "Pervy". Spears cheered loudly, insisting that the president walked in the nude as if on a fashion runway. Eyewitnesses related that Musharraf was adorned with multiple "support the troops" fake tattoos covering strategic locations on his body.

Security services for both Musharraf and Spears broke up the meeting before it progressed much farther. Upon Musharraf's return home, he promptly declared martial law in Pakistan.

A spokesperson for Miss Spears stated that she was disappointed over the turn of events, and hoped that she would be able to continue the relationship with Musharraf. According to the spokesperson, Spears was pleasantly surprised at how well the president interacted with her two infant sons, and was interested in his suggestion that they might benefit from a madrasas education. "I think we should all just trust the president," concluded Spears.

 

 

 

08/09/07 Switzerland Sues Johnson and Johnson over Red Cross

 

Bern, Switzerland (Rotters) - Late this evening, Swiss President Micheline Calmy-Rey announced that Switzerland would be pursuing a lawsuit for damages with the American medical supply company Johnson & Johnson, who had earlier announced a lawsuit against the American Red Cross seeking lost income, punitive damages, and an agreement to cease using what it claimed was their patented Red Cross logo. Calmy-Rey also announced that effective immediately the biggest national Bank, Credit Suisse would be ordered to freeze all assets of Johnson & Johnson that it held.

"Everyone knows that the Swiss, and our proud cross flag stand for neutrality, aid and help in all forms, and obscene wealth," stated President Calmy-Rey. "It has been this way worldwide for centuries before anyone even began selling medical supplies. Johnson & Johnson has grown and profited to the point that it has blurred this boundary, encroaching upon and threatening to steal the very identity of our country. What the American Red Cross and other international agencies bearing our symbol have done, on the other hand, has lent a positive image to our humble country's time-honored traditions, and they certainly have posed no financial threat. We resent that Johnson & Johnson seems to be seeking to profit unfairly from our well-established reputation for financial stability."

A spokesperson for Johnson & Johnson dismissed the country's lawsuit out of hand. "There is no encroachment here," stated the spokesperson, "and we will fight this lawsuit to the end. Our symbol that the Red Cross has profited from, is by definition a "Red Cross" on a white background. The Swiss symbol is a white cross on a red background, a clear difference, and certainly not a source of confusion for the average person. If the Swiss persist with this ridiculously opportunistic lawsuit, we will prevail. We would look forward to the acquisition of Swiss Army Knives, and all related gear and apparel."

In a related story, international aid agency, the Red Crescent Organization, has announced that it is considering a lawsuit against the country of Turkey over defamation of character.

 

 

08/09/07 President Bush Rushed to Hospital with Recurrence of Lime

 

Kennebunkport, MN (APE) - President Bush was rushed via Marine One back to Bethesda Naval Hospital for emergent treatment of what doctors suspect was an exacerbation of chronic problems with lime. The president had flown earlier in the day to his parent's compound in Kennebunkport, for an extended visit and vacation with France's newly elected president Nicolas Sarcozy. Mr Bush apparently collapsed after losing an impromptu foot race with the French president, and after taking a few sips of a beverage for re hydration, according to the White House. This incident occurs after the president was given a clean bill of health by physicians following extensive examinations this week.

The White House stated earlier today that 5 non-cancerous polyps were removed from Mr. Bush's colon this past weekend, and that his personal physician had admitted that the president had been treated successfully earlier this year for a previous problem with lime. The president had fallen ill at the G-8 summit, missing but a morning of talks thanks to his doctor's interventions.

"Naturally, some degree of dehydration might have had a hand, today," stated Dr. Richard Tubb, personal physician to the president, "but the real culprit appears to have been the lime. The president was hot, and thirsty after the run and simply didn't realized that the lime was in his beverage. Lime can lead to all sorts of complications from nausea and vomiting all the way to asphyxiation and allergic reactions in sensitive individuals. The president was also taking medications that might have interacted adversely with the beverage itself."

Upon further questioning from reporters, Dr. Tubb admitted that a complete psychiatric evaluation had not been a part of the routine physical workup the president had received over the last few days.

A White House spokesperson stated that the president was resting comfortably and that presidential power had been turned over to Vice President Cheney until further notice. A spokesperson for the Vice President, currently in an undisclosed location, stated that Mr. Cheney was not worried in the slightest over the president's state of mind and had in fact rushed staffers to his bedside to consult and pursue authorization for important defense issues.

 

 

08/08/07 Michael Vick Chew Toy Recalled for Possible Lead Contamination

 

Summerville, NJ (Rotters) - Pet lovers were dealt another severe blow today as thousands of dogs across the nation became sickened after their owners had apparently purchased Michael Vick Chew Toys, over the internet. No deaths have been reported as yet, but veterinarians have been deluged with what appears to be minor to occasionally severe cases of lead poisoning.

Owners report that the cheaply made toys, apparently manufactured in China, suffer from peeling paint which their animals tend to swallow. An analysis of the paint has revealed unacceptable levels of lead according to FDA sources.

A spokesperson for the online distributor for the toys stated that sales were already being halted secondary to complaints from NFL marketing and the Atlanta Falcons over the depiction of Vick in his Atlanta Falcons uniform. Lawyers for the NFL had seized and assumed possession of all stocks of the toys as well as all profits. The spokesperson directed that all complaints from pet owners should now be directed towards the NFL.

The Chinese minister for commerce stated that it had already conducted an investigation into the plant which hand painted the suspect toys and all involved were subsequently executed late this evening.

 

08/07/07 Bush, Karzai: Fast Food to Help Afghans Fight Terror, Drugs

 

Damp Cave, MD (APE) - President Bush and Afghan president Hamid Karzai today concluded an intensive round of meetings at the Presidential retreat in Damp Cave, MD. The two emerged agreeing to disagree over a number of annoying disagreements that continue to plague the Afghan people and relations with the US. Karzai presented a rosy , yet bleak assessment of the ongoing conflict with the Taliban and the location of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden. He at once described the Talliban as a "beaten, humiliated, and insignificant force" which would remain a tremendous threat to both the Afghan and American peoples without continued American support and intervention.

Bush announced that he would be pushing for further support for the fledgling democracy in the US Congress by way of a controversial aid package designed to increase employment and bring fast food to the Afghan population.

"We have had tremendous successes for all major franchises within the pilot program we've instituted in the green zone in Iraq," announced Bush. "We have a population in Afghanistan now thats hungry and ready for work... It's like that bible saying: "Feed a man and he's not hungry for a day... teach everybody to feed each other and well... that's just good business... or something like that."

The White House announced that the first franchise to receive rights for Afghanistan would be North Carolina based Krispy Kreme donuts. "As we get more people involved in frying and eating donuts, there is going to be less time for growing opium," said the White House spokesperson.

Critics have accused the Bush administration of simply substituting addictions.

 

 

 

08/07/07 Lohan, Hilton, Spears, Ritchie to Star in New Bratz Movie

 

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Tired Stars International Motion Pictures today announced that it had signed four of the most popular teen queen idols to star in the upcoming Bratz Movie: Shotz Slutz. Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears have all reportedly committed to the film for an undisclosed sum to bring to life the adventures of one of today's most popular doll collections.

A spokesperson for Bratz doll manufacturer MGA stated that the company was excited to have the group of stars aboard, and wasn't worried about the possible controversy the real star's exploits might bring to the toy line. "We're looking to recapture a lot of the girls we have lost as they have aged out of doll play," said MGA vice president Elsa B. Lyon. "The fact of the matter is that even the younger girls are a lot more sophisticated now, and these young women are just the role models to bring some new life and energy to the concept. This is to say nothing of the voice of experience that they can bring in regards to sex and drugs."

 

MGA also announced a new line of dolls which will caricature the four, as well as a remote controlled crash and repair car, and a fully outfitted rehab center play set. The dolls will of course feature anatomically ambiguous genitalia and a full line of pantiless fashions, with the slogan, "A Passion for Flashin!"

A tentative date to begin filming "Shotz Slutz" has not been reached secondary to attempts to schedule around incarcerations, rehabilitations, and court dates.

 

08/06/07 Bush Awarded Key to Domestic Spying

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a small ceremony in the White House this morning, attended by a bipartisan delegation of congressional leaders, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi formally awarded President Bush a symbolic key to the NSA's domestic spying program, asking only that the administration used it in good faith from this point on. The award comes after a weekend of last-minute wrangling in both chambers before Congress's August recess and at the insistence of the president. The administration had symbolically insisted upon possession of the key rather traditionally leaving it under the doormat of FISA oversight.

"To their credit the Democrats finally saw reason over this issue," stated an anonymous White House spokesperson. "No one wants to be burned over issues of domestic security during an election year. We had a gut feeling that we would be able to persuade them to see it our way."

Democrats defended themselves against critics insisting that they had good, solid promises that Alberto Gonzales would have no administration over the program and that it would be willingly sundowned within six months.

The White House was pleased with the results and hinted that this was possible evidence that the president had not lost his magic. "He's a uniter and not a decider," stated an ecstatic White House source.

 

 

08/04/07 Bush Visits Site of Minneapolis Bridge Collapse

 

Minneapolis, MN (APE) - President Bush today made a surprise visit to Minnesota and the site of the I-35 bridge collapse, joining the first lady who had arrived yesterday. The assembled crowd was treated to an impromptu benefit concert featuring "Osamapalooza", a band composed of musically inclined White House personnel, including the president, Homeland security head Michael Chertoff, and press secretary Tony Snow. Proceeds from the concert were donated to victims and survivors of the bridge collapse.

During the performance, the president praised the victims as heroes in the ongoing war on terror. He thanked survivors and victims family members for their sacrifice and service to the United States.

"Over this past week much has been made of America's deteriorating infrastructure," Bush announced during the concert. "If we raise taxes to fix these things, then the terrorists have won. Wartime demands sacrifices from us all, and these brave people here have made the ultimate sacrifice for their country. Let them serve as an example for those of us who might have to cross one of 70,000 other similar bridges in fear every day."

The president left quickly after the concert, and a White House spokesperson stated that the band was scheduled for two other appearances over a busy weekend in which they would be attempting to garner popular support for legalization of the president's domestic spying program in Congress.

 

 

07/28/07 NASA Seeks to Question Current and Past Space Station Occupants Over Alcohol Consumption

 

Houston, TX (APE) - NASA authorities are today admitting that the ongoing investigation into alcohol consumption by astronauts is now to include current and former occupants of the international space Station. NASA officials have stated that they wish to question the current occupants of the space station specifically over the recent EVA in which an "ammonia tank" was removed and controversially jettisoned into space as junk.

 

Upon closer scrutiny of official NASA photos, experts are now saying that in actuality the equipment that was jettisoned into space amounted to a specially designed 55 L keg. Officials are rumored to also be interested in discussing with astronauts the contents of an EVA suit presumably containing "space junk" which was jettisoned some years ago.

"Admittedly this is a high stress job with a severe degree of loneliness and isolation," stated a NASA official, "but we have made more mission appropriate accommodations such as stationary bikes and other exercise equipment to relieve stress. There is simply no excuse for the risk that this type of behavior engenders."

After consultation with legal experts, NASA officials are also expressing some fears over possible liability in regards to unauthorized jettisoning on the part of space station crews. This comes at a time when there has been an increase in claims worldwide of sightings and damages from items that appear to have reentered the atmosphere and come to earth as "meteors". Previously, NASA has maintained that occasional re-entries were mathematically insignificant in that they were done in a highly calculated and controlled manner. Legal experts now maintain that alcohol consumption may open the door to successful litigation and recovery of damages in such instances.

 

US astronaut Roy Fleming, a veteran of the Gemini, Apollo, and the space shuttle programs has reluctantly come forward in support of his fellow astronauts. He maintains that alcohol consumption is nothing new throughout the history of spaceflight and that sometimes a little "liquid courage" is warranted.

"If you think about it," said Fleming, "historically these guys, and now gals, have always been sitting atop what amounts to a huge time bomb if things don't go right. Who in their right mind would deny somebody a drink in that situation? It's not like they are actually piloting the spacecraft anymore, it's all done from multiple redundancies from the ground."

"It is a lonely job," continued Fleming, "and believe it or not, there tends to be a lot of boredom. It's a real rush to drop your dead soldiers from the ultimate highway overpass... I've done it, and just about everyone in the program would probably admit to having dropped something."

"Things have changed an awful lot in the last few years under the current Bush administration," stated Fleming. "Just about all of us are scientists but we have been pretty well muzzled when it comes to discussing important things such as the space program and global warming. I suppose one could argue that this may have led to an increased rate of alcohol consumption as well."

NASA officials stated that their investigation would continue and announced that they would be shortly unveiling a 12 step program to address the problem.

"We are looking to be totally honest and forthright about the situation," stated NASA chief Mike Griffin."The first step is to recognize that you have a problem."


07/26/07 Death Cat Begins Gonzales Vigil

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Administrators for the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence Rhode Island late today confirmed that their prized cat Oscar had gone missing. White House authorities late this evening confirmed that the cat in question had mysteriously shown up there. Oscar was recently featured in an essay in the New England Journal of Medicine in which he was heralded for his uncanny ability to predict the eminent deaths of hospice patients.

It was unclear whether Oscar had made the journey from Rhode Island to DC on his own or had assistance. White House authorities stated that the cat seemed to have shown up late today and appeared to wander aimlessly and confused for a few hours before finally settling in the White House office occasionally used by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Oscar has thus far resisted attempts to have him removed and returned to his home at the Rhode Island hospice center.

Dr. David Rosa, the author of the original essay about Oscar and his uncanny ability to predict death verified that this was precisely the behavior that has been observed in Steere House. "I can only surmise that there is a cancer in the White House and its likely terminal," stated Rosa. "Oscar is almost never wrong, but this is the first interest that he has shown in politics."

 

 

07/25/07 British Suspects Detained in "Cheese Bomb" Training Run

 

Miami, FL (APE) - Transportation Security Administration authorities today confirmed the arrest of two British suspects in connection with a recent spate of what are described as "dry run" airline bombings. Authorities stated that the two may likely have been complicit in what are described as fake devices using modeling clay or block cheese that were seized in four separate incidents in the last two years at various US airports.

The two were detained at Miami international Airport upon entering the US from Great Britain. At a routine customs inspection, carry-on luggage was found to contain timers, wiring, screws, batteries and other unspecified gadgets apparently duct taped to three blocks of "Wensleydale Cheese" , and 5 pounds of flesh colored modeling clay. The cheese appeared to have been densely coated with chopped walnuts to produce a shrapnel effect upon detonation.

Officials stated that one suspect has given the authorities the name of "Wallace", but is refusing to divulge a surname. The second suspect has steadfastly refused to speak with authorities and appears to interact with the first through means of a special visual code and gestures, leading authorities to suspect that he may indeed be the mastermind. "Wallace" has thus far maintained his innocence and has denied any terrorist affiliations for the two, and insists that the cheese, modeling clay, and other devices were necessary for his work as a self-proclaimed inventor.

Authorities urged Americans to remain frightened, but not overly so. The FBI and CIA are investigating the possibility that the two suspects may have indeed posed as physicians and a variety of other occupations in the past.

Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff issued a brief statement praising the efforts of domestic security services in the unraveling of the Miami plot, and urging Americans to maintain vigilance. "Always trust your gut on these things," Chertoff stated to reporters, "unless, of course, you happen to be lactose intolerant."

 

 

 

07/24/07 Lohan Blames DUI Arrest on Ankle Bracelet

 

Santa Monica, CA (APE) - Just days after surrendering for arrest following a drunk driving charge last year, 21 year old Lindsay Lohan was arrested again, early this morning, by Santa Monica Police for apparently driving under the influence. Lohan had reportedly been tailing the car of the mother of her former personal assistant, when the mother became concerned with her behavior and phoned police. Lohan subsequently registered a .13 blood alcohol level according to authorities.

Lohan was also charged with possession and transportation of cocaine.

A spokesperson for Ms. Lohan stated that she was not aware of the cocaine found in her Denali and did not claim possession of it. "This has all been an unfortunate misunderstanding," stated the spokesperson. "Ms. Lohan began having difficulty with her vehicle, swerving erratically, when the elastic bandage that she had placed under her alcohol monitoring bracelet for comfort became entangled with the accelerator pedal. It was fortunate that she was able to steer the Denali into the Police department for assistance."

When asked about her newly shaved head, the spokesperson stated that Ms. Lohan had done this herself with a set of rechargeable clippers in her vehicle outside the police station prior to arrest. When asked about the alcohol level, Lohan's spokesperson stated that she had made a mistake in trying to calm herself after the incident by consuming an alcoholic beverage.

 

 

07/24/07 White House Pushes a Newfound Confidence

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Bush administration returned to work this week appearing refreshed and rejuvenated after the president received a clean bill of health from a colonoscopy over the weekend. The president participated in a relaxing strategy session with top administration officials over the weekend, and White House sources stated that he was ready to jump back into the fray in Washington.

"It appears that the endless stream of manufactured political scandals is at an ebb," stated White House press secretary Tony Snow. The administration seemed to be quietly celebrating the vindication of the vice president in regards to the dismissal of the Valerie Plame lawsuit last week. "We look forward to the appearance of Alberto Gonzales before Congress today, and anticipate the wholehearted support of the august body in the Attorney General's ongoing campaign to repair the Justice Department's unfairly sullied reputation. The administration would again caution people that not knowing or forgetting is not a crime in and of itself, no matter what proof might exist to the contrary. We look forward to the Democrat Party's eventually giving up on this unprecedented "fishing expedition" and its protracted assault on the concept of "the unitary executive privilege"."

 

The White House maintained that it would stay fast on its refusal to allow former officials to testify under subpoena from Congress.

"At this point the surge in Iraq remains delicate, and casualties have predictably continued to escalate," stated Snow. "As we have pointed out previously a large part of the blame for these recent failures has to lie at the feet of the cavalier behavior of leading Democrats who appear to be insisting upon defeat for America rather than in exhibiting some patience and sticking with the agreed upon review of the situation sometime in November, December, or January. Iraq will not become another Vietnam so long as this president remains in office."

 

07/20/07 Hillary Clinton Arrested following Rebuke by Pentagon, more Arrests Rumored

 

Washington, DC (APE) - Roughly 3000 campaign supporters and well-wishers were disappointed late yesterday, as New York Senator Hillary Clinton was taken into custody prior to a scheduled appearance. Although details are sketchy at present, the senator appears to have been arrested on the strength of a complaint from the Pentagon yesterday that her growing outspoken criticism of the Iraq war was beginning to endanger the overall mission. Rumors circulated late last night that other arrests were expected later today.

Clinton was arrested after a letter to her from Undersecretary of Defense Eric Edelman was made public. In the letter Edelman states, "Premature and public discussion of the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq reinforces enemy propaganda that the United States will abandon its allies in Iraq, much as we are perceived to have done in Vietnam, Lebanon and Somalia." He added that "such talk understandably unnerves the very same Iraqi allies we are asking to assume enormous personal risks."

"People are going to have to understand that the surge, for the last six months, has been in a delicate opening stage, and will continue to be so until such point in time that commanders on the ground deem that enough progress has been made to declare the surge fully operational with any chance for success," stated White House press secretary Tony Snow. "We are at war, plain and simple, and this administration will not allow America to lose this one, like others in the past, as a result of a very few misguided individuals. This is the battle of the bilge... er, bulge , and were all going to have to suck it up and push on through for our troops. I'm sure the senator didn't mean to intentionally catapult propaganda, but the end results are the same."

A spokesman for former President Bill Clinton stated that he had spoken with his wife, and that she was currently being detained in an undisclosed location. The spokesperson stated that the former president was anticipating being questioned later today and intended to fully cooperate with authorities.

Justice Department officials refused to discuss rumors that a number of high-level arrests of other individuals was pending for later today.

A Bush administration insider stated that the president seems to have found a new sense of confidence and purpose on the heels of a number of recent legal victories, including the dismissal of the civil suit against the administration by leaked undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame. The White House further today stated that the Justice Department would not respond to future requests from Congress in regards to enforcement of subpoenas for testimony from administration officials, citing the need to enforce the concept of "the unitary executive privilege", particularly during wartime.

 

07/19/07 Former President Bush on Suicide Watch in Philidelphia

 

Philadelphia, PA (Rotters) - Former president George H. W. Bush today very nearly took his own life at the national Constitution Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with his own World War II service revolver. The revolver was being returned to him 60 years after he presented it as a gift to a young submarine lieutenant who had rescued him during the war in the Pacific.

After receiving the service revolver from the son of the late Lt. J.G. Alberta Brostrum, the former president was to donate the weapon to the constitutional Center to be put on display along with more than 100 other exhibits on Constitutional history.

Former President Bush examined the empty revolver, and began speaking to the audience of the reasons behind World War II pilots carrying sidearms.

 

"Optimally your revolver was for self-defense, and maybe for shooting food," stated the former president. Mr. Bush at that point appeared to hesitate and stare blankly at the empty revolver for a few seconds and according to some witnesses seemed to become teary-eyed. "Of course the unwritten reason that none of us ever really spoke about was for when things went very wrong... when everything was hopeless... when there was absolutely no way out... no hope for your legacy, or your children..." Bush continued.

At that point Mr. Bush calmly began loading the revolver with bullets apparently stashed in his coat pocket. To the stunned silence of those in attendance he cocked the gun and placed the barrel against his left temple. At that point Mr. Bush's own Secret Service detail wrestled him to the ground and secured the weapon.

The former president was bundled into his motorcade and apparently rushed to an undisclosed hospital. A report issued to the press stated that he was currently under a suicide watch and would likely be transferred to Walter Reed Hospital later this evening.

A spokesman for the White House stated that the current President Bush had been apprised of the situation and at this point was respecting his father's physician's wishes in avoiding contact for now.

 

 

07/19/07 Larry Flynt, Hustler to Feature Cover and Center Spread on David Vitter

 

Washington, DC (APE) - Hustler publisher Larry Flynt today announced that his magazine would be going forward with further allegations and evidence against recently disgraced Republican Senator David Vitter which accuse him of a long-standing diaper fetish and a recent affair with astronaut Lisa Nowak. The tell-all, show-all piece will also feature testimony from the former shuttle astronaut, in which she claims a recent two-year affair with the senator in which they shared their mutual passion for disposable undergarments.

"This is just the tip of the iceberg... to say that the senator has lived a pampered life would be an understatement" stated the paraplegic pornography publisher, at a recent press conference at Hustler's home office. "The phone records of Ms. Palfrey, The DC Madame, have been a real gold mine. After some relatively easy footwork, we're ready to expose some of the more quirkier sides of Congress and the industry that supports them."

Independent sources have come forward recently to question the sincerity of Senator Vitter's recent public apology for past sexual indiscretions, citing claims that he has had a number of relations with prostitutes, and may indeed have fathered a child with one Wendy Cortez. Flynt has apparently scooped everyone with the revelation of the relationship with former astronaut Lisa Nowak.

 

"I was devastated after David broke off our relationship," Nowak was quoted as saying from the upcoming article. "We shared a lot of Luvs, and that's a hard thing to just walk away from. This may have had a lot to do with why I felt compelled to undertake that cross-country trip."

The Washington offices for Senator Vitter were contacted, and a spokesperson for the senator would neither confirm nor deny details of the story set to be published. "The senator has already issued an apology for his past indiscretions with prostitutes," stated the spokesperson. "In this case, if these allegations were true, a consensual affair could hardly be equated as a relationship with a prostitute, now could it?"

 

 

07/17/07 Prince Charles Comments on US Senator Vitter

 

London, England (APE) - Prince Charles of England this weekend inspected and awarded medals to a unit of helicopter crews returning from duty in Iraq. After the presentation he took time to comment to reporters in attendance as to the recent story of sexual improprieties surrounding Louisiana senator David Vitter and the role of sexual scandal in US politics.

"Well, you have a real situation there where the press has gotten its knickers in a wad, now, don't you?" stated the Crown Prince. "The poor chap (Senator Vitter) clearly has a lot to learn about living in a fishbowl. It's hard to fathom the Yanks' obsession with all things tawdry and sexual. We have women's privates all over the front pages here, and you never see this huge outcry. If you're not careful, these things can get out of control awfully fast and really interfere with important things. Christ, it's no wonder Iraq is so bolloxed. "

"My advice to Mr. Vitter is to apologize, just as he's done, and try to keep things zipped up for a few years," offered Charles. "It's been my experience that as the kids grow older and time passes, these things sort of work themselves out on their own. If you love someone, set them free... and that sort of thing. The misses appears to be strong woman, and persistent... a tiger... or a leopard... and I find that attractive."

 

 

07/17/07 Bin Laden Video Displays Al-Qaeda Technical Savvy

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Intelligence sources stated that the verdict was still out as to the authenticity of the recently released Bin Laden video in which he makes a contemporary plea for martyrdom. Experts agreed however that the video showed a disturbing leap in proficiency and technical expertise in Al Qaeda's ability to get their message across to a younger, "hipper" pool of potential recruits worldwide and particularly in the US.

"This is a direct appeal to a growing sense of anger and frustration among America's inner city Muslim population," stated FBI special agent Colin M. Asaseum. "Through the use of special effects and sophisticated sound tracks, these catchy video appeals to jihad are marketable, and are on the verge of becoming a real source of revenue and support for the fledgling Al-Qaeda in America."

"Just take a look at the recent attacks in England," stated Special Agent Asaseum. "These were high end autos involved... a definite appeal to a younger audience."

Bin Laden's latest video features a rap appeal to the duty of martyrdom for all Muslims, and has been receiving considerable play and recognition throughout the internet. Authorities have accused Al-Qaeda of simply lip-synching and remixing previous video of Bin Laden with more contemporary settings, although this has yet to be definitively proven.

"Bin Laden may very well be dead for all we know," stated Asaseum, "but with the help of some of today's "off the shelf" computer technologies, it doesn't really matter. It's even conceivably possible to have the American people believe the Vice President was still alive if need be."

 

 

07/17/07 Harry Potter Surprise Ending Revealed through Theft of Original Cover Art Piece!

 

Sarasota, FL (APE) - A crestfallen artist and illustrator, Mary GrandPre, renowned for her cover and inside illustrations for the first six Harry Potter books, today vouched for the authenticity for an original concept cover for the seventh book which was apparently stolen from her Sarasota, Florida studio and has been circulating the Internet. The original piece, declined by Arthur J. K. Rowling, was judged as too revealing of the surprise ending, and was later modified by GrandPre to the cover which will be released on books worldwide Friday.

Sarasota police are investigating the break-in which apparently occurred last week. A spokesperson for the department claimed that they had no clues as yet and stated that the artwork appeared to have almost vanished as if by magic.

Rather than the cover released on the final book which depicts Harry in a final death match with Lord Voldemort, the original concept piece shows Potter reaching out to his evil arch nemesis. The illustration seems to confirm the reported surprise ending that Harry Potter is in fact a "horcrux" and the illegitimate child of Tom Marvolo Riddle and Lily Potter, a devastating truth that is withheld from Harry throughout the series by his mother and loving stepfather James Potter.

Spokespersons for both author Rowling, and her publishing company have refused to either confirm or deny the rumors. Evidence suggests, however, that this may indeed be the ending that Rowling settled upon after notable celebrity pleas from author Stephen King, and movie maker George Lucas.

 

07/16/07 Worlds Biggest and Smallest Together

 

Washington, DC (Rotters)- In a private ceremony attended only by family members, well-wishers, and administration insiders the current world record holders as established by Guinness for the titles "world's biggest liar", and "world's smallest conscience", met and reaffirmed their vows to each other. The ceremony was administered by the president's personal pastor Reverend Luis Leon.

The Guinness Book of World Records confirmed and reaffirm the titles held by both men and stated that recent accomplishments by both virtually guaranteed their retention of the records for years to come.

"This has been a six-year partnership with literally hundreds of noteworthy benchmarks and milestones along the way," stated White House press secretary Tony Snow. "The United States, and the world really owe these men a debt of gratitude for the sense of stability and positive outlook today in the Middle East, as well as the prospects for a prosperous and productive newly established democracy in Iraq."

The couple will reportedly be taking the next two months off as a honeymoon, coinciding with an official vacation of Iraqi legislators during the hottest part of the summer in Iraq. The two will then return to hammer out an oil sharing deal in anticipation of the huge successes of the president's surge strategy by September.

 

 

07/13/07 Bush Apologizes, Dismisses Plame as Tit for Tat

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In an apparent effort to put the sordid Valerie Plame affair behind the administration, President Bush yesterday, after delivering a press conference in the new press briefing room at the White House, felt up the outed a CIA undercover agent and decided the time was right to offer an apology from the administration. Echoing quasi-admissions from his press briefing, Bush again affirmed to Mrs. Plame-Wilson that the career ending leak of her true identity likely did come from unnamed members of his administration, but insisted that there was nothing personal involved, and that it was merely a political game of tit for tat. He then thanked Plame for her years of service in his pleasure.

Apparently stunned by the president's spontaneous gesture, Plame was left speechless as the president continued to grope for the right words.

Afterwards, Plame stated that she, "felt even more violated" than when the scandal broke in 2002. Plame's husband, former ambassador Joe Wilson, who was also present, reportedly had to be restrained by the president's Secret Service detail.

Later, a much calmer Wilson admitted that the president's behavior had momentarily gotten the better of him. "I suppose that we should consider this progress that he seems to have moved on from his fascination with bald heads," stated Wilson.

Wilson vowed that they would continue their pursuit of justice and accountability from the administration. "We live in remarkable times in which acts of treason fall rapidly from public notice and are easily overshadowed by interest in all manners of sexual indiscretions and such," he concluded.

 

07/12/07 Potter Mania Sweeps the White House

 

Washington, DC (APE) - Daily activities around a Washington, DC Megaplex ground to a halt late yesterday afternoon as the vice president and his security contingent swooped in for an unannounced visit and the vice president took time out from his busy schedule to enjoy the latest Harry Potter film. Disgruntled moviegoers were forced to accept refunds or tickets for alternative shows as the entire complex was shut down by the Secret Service for over three hours.

Mr. Cheney is reportedly a silent but avid fan of author JK Rowling's immensely popular series of children's books, and he yesterday apparently succumbed like other fans worldwide to the urge to view Hollywood's latest movie offering.

"I would tend to disagree with many in our conservative religious base who feel that there is something evil or satanic about these stories and characters," stated Mr. Cheney. "For God sakes, they celebrate Christmas and Halloween just like anyone else in the books. On the contrary, there are many valuable lessons for America's youth in regards to fear, loyalty, the effective use of power, and the importance of keeping secrets that are stressed throughout the books and movies."

 

 

"Of course you are going to have people out there who tend to get a little fanatical, and go overboard on some of these things," countered Cheney. "Dressing as your favorite character, or spending any time at all imagining you're Harry Potter, let's say, is a little frivolous and a waste of time."

Reporters present then asked the vice president if he was planning on reading the final installment of the seven book series when it is released on the 21st and what he thought would happen to the boy wizard in the end.

"I'll have to say that Ms. Rowling has been a real trooper, and the ending that she came up with after working very closely with us on our suggested revisions is overall outstanding." concluded Cheney. "I'm afraid that I'll have to claim executive privilege for now as to the final outcome, but let's just say that I'm very satisfied with what finally happens to Mr. Potter."

 

 

07/11/07 Chertoff Rushed to Guantanamo Bay Cuba

 

Guantanamo, Cuba (Rotters) - After musing over nonspecific "gut feelings" in an interview with the Chicago Tribune editorial board yesterday, Homeland security chief Michael Chertoff was suddenly rushed late last night to Guantanamo Bay Cuba for emergent medical care. Chertoff had initially ascribed the gut feeling and discomfort to what he believed would be an imminent Al Qaeda attack on America sometime this summer. Chertoff, later that evening collapsed at home, and after being examined by White House physicians was determined to have a serious medical problem.

At the insistence of the White House, Chertoff was rushed overnight to Guantanamo Bay to the state-of-the-art facilities at Camp Delta.

"I think everyone can appreciate that Mr. Chertoff is in a key administration position, and no expense should be spared in insisting that he receive the best care available in the United States," stated White House spokesperson Tony Snow.

A spokesperson at the medical facility stated that Chertoff was stabilized and resting comfortably. It was further hoped that concerted medical interventions would prevail and an heroic surgical procedure would not be ultimately necessary.

"This is probably one of the worst fecal impactions that I have seen in my entire career," stated army surgeon Colonel Douglas R. Vault. "This man is literally FOS, as we refer to it."

"We have seen this frequently in career politicians, and it goes beyond dietary concerns," continued Colonel Vault. "The body literally becomes bathed and saturated in stress-related hormones as the patient attempts to maintain ever more ridiculous lies and obfuscations. These hormones have a severe constipating effect which in turn psychologically reinforces the need to continue the behaviors, resulting in a ticking time bomb if not diffused."

"Our heartfelt concerns and prayers go out to Mr. Chertoff and his family," stated Tony Snow. "The president has also taken steps to safeguard the health and safety of other key advisers during this ongoing war by doubling the amount of dietary fiber available throughout the day at the White House. We will also begin mandatory shift rotations for those with the dangerous job of frequently having to access the public."

The White House further stated that it expected Chertoff's complete recovery within a matter of days at the hands and fingers of the team of crack specialists assembled at the Guantanamo Bay facility.

 

07/11/07 Apple Introduces Nano iPhonecard

 

Cupertino, California (APE) - Apple Computer stocks today soared on the announcement of a smaller, thinner version of its new blockbuster iPhone called the iPhonecard, based on its popular Nano MP3 player. CEO Steven Jobs heralded the new device as a technology bridge towards the iPhone for those unable to afford the $400-$600 devices. Apple thus far in the first week of sales of the iPhone has sold more units than the next most popular Motorola razor did in its first month of sales. Jobs claimed that the iPhonecard was poised to outpace even the skyrocketing sales of the iPhone.

The new device will sell from $100-$200 depending upon customer's preference for the 1 GB or 2 GB models. The iPhonecard is a fully functional prepaid phone and MP3 player upon which users can load minutes or tunes through their personal computers and the special iPhonecard magnetic strip reader. Current models are without Internet access, video, and camera functions which are available with the iPhone, but Apple vowed to make the features a reality as the technology becomes available.

 

 

"This will be a wonderful entry level device for children, and parents wishing to exercise a higher degree of control," stated Jobs. "When the minutes are exhausted the device will still function as a state-of-the-art MP3 player. But, no more phone functionality until mom or dad agree to download more minutes."

Currently, the iPhonecard is only compatible with Apple's popular iTunes online service, and Apple is hoping for a resurgence of recording artists and studios interesting in exclusive contracts.

Hackers are already salivating over the prospect of getting their hands on one of the devices. It has been suggested that there is a real interest in utilizing the magnetic strip function of the device in millions of ATMs worldwide in efforts to gain illegal account access. The well-built card has also reportedly demonstrated great utility in handling many older locks and security systems.

 

 

07/10/07 Giuliani Stands by Southern Strategist David Vitter after Confession in DC Madam Opening Salvo

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - After a heartfelt public apology to God and his family by Republican Representative David Vitter over past transgressions in regards to the unfolding DC Madam scandal, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani stepped forward to defend the man in charge of his southern strategy. Giuliani cautioned the public against reading too much into phone records, and admitted that many of Vitter's calls may have been strictly business and conducted in his capacity for the "Rudy '08" campaign.

"Prostitution is just such a volatile and inflammatory term to be tossed about so recklessly in conjunction with politics, and they make for strange bedfellows, indeed." stated a Giuliani campaign spokesperson. "We all have behaviors that we both indulge and regret and the former mayor is no exception. Representative Vitter has been a loyal friend, companion and business partner to Mr. Giuliani, and we appreciate the way he has "pimped" the campaign in every way possible, and been such a stalwart example of true Republican Family Values."

Vitter becomes the first possible political victim from the public exposure of the phone records of DC Madam Deborah Palfrey, in an effort to defend her reputation and escort service business.

For the record, the Giuliani campaign denied any association with Palfrey or her services, stating that it was strictly represented by Vitter alone in such matters. The Campaign further insisted that all associated fundraising had been fully disclosed in previous releases.

"We don't anticipate any compromising positions whatsoever from this," concluded the Giuliani spokesperson. "The campaign will continue to walk the streets and press the flesh of every willing John... and Jane Doe. We feel that we still have quite a few tricks left."

 

 

07/09/07 Bush Receives Chilly Welcome from Public and Returning Congress

 

Washington, DC (APE) - In a symbolic gesture that does not bode well for an embattled White House, President Bush was yesterday subjected to a spontaneous symbolic gesture in which he was doused with a Kool-Aid container by a seemingly supportive crowd of well-wishers. Many felt that this demonstrated a symbolic rejection of the rosy outlook that the White House continues to put forth in regards to the Iraq occupation, the president's failed immigration leadership, and his recent rescue of convicted perjurer and White House counsel Scooter Libby. The President and Congress return to Washington today after a fragmented Fourth of July holiday which was headlined by an incredible display of fireworks across the nation over Mr. Bush's pardoning of Libby.

"Nonsense," stated White House press secretary Tony Snow. "This is just another, "Mission Accomplished moment," and long overdue, I might add. It's just a long-standing tradition that the coach gets soaked after the victory. The midterm report coming up next week will bear this out. Sure, the report card is likely going to show mostly F's and a few D's in regards to the surge strategy, but they're high D's and F's. This president has made a career of pulling up low grades at the last minute."

The president will apparently faced stiffened resistance from Congress, as Senate majority leader Harry Reid has vowed to continue reintroducing bills geared towards forcing the president to redeploy troops and bring them home ultimately. The House of Representatives is determined to continue pursuing subpoenas in its ongoing quest for accountability from the Bush administration in regards to any number of growing political scandals.

"We've got to consider what kind of message this sends to our enemies both foreign and domestic," countered Snow. "The recent revelations of the involvement of physicians in the failed terror plots in Great Britain should give people cause for concern. It appears that there are now very real reasons to fear going to your doctor. Homeland Security has undertaken a massive investigation into the possibility of the American Medical Association's involvement with terrorist organizations in expediting visas for foreign physicians and potential terrorists."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who just this weekend was warned of possible competition for her seat by antiwar activist Cindy Sheehan, stated that "any number of options are now being put back on the table in dealing with this criminal administration, including impeachment, which is receiving some surprisingly good polling numbers lately."

"We simply cannot, for the good of this country, allow this administration to simply run out the clock," concluded Pelosi. "We have not been able to make headway in our efforts to defund the war across the aisle. However, a considered approach of possibly defunding the executive branch is receiving good bipartisan support."

 

 

07/08/07 Redeemer and Ruins Added to List of the Seven Wonders of the World

 

Baghdad, Iraq (Rotters) - In a very close vote, the statue of Bush the Redeemer and the mysterious ruins of the US Embassy in Baghdad were voted one of the seven wonders of the modern world. The nearly $600 million fiasco becomes the first historical ruins site to be included which is still considered ongoing. Citizens of Baghdad and terrorists alike unanimously applauded the recognition and expressed hope that this would encourage both further tourism dollars and potential hostages and targets from all over the world to come visit and explore the city and the country of Iraq.

The new list of the seven wonders of the world was generated after tallying online and text message voting from 100 million people worldwide. Other wonders making the cut included Rome's Coliseum, India's Taj Mahal, Peru's Machu Picchu, Mexico's Chichen Itza pyramid, Egypt's Giza pyramid, and the Great Wall of China. Notable exclusions that did not make the cut included the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, and Easter Island. Indignant supporters of other candidates pointed out the duplicitous inclusion of the Great Wall of China and the Iraqi Embassy ruins as examples of failed border structures.

The statue of Bush the Redeemer towers some 710 m overlooking the smoldering borders of the Baghdad Green zone as well as the ongoing ruins of the mysterious, perpetually abandoned US Embassy. The statue, constructed entirely of granite savaged from the palaces and honoraria of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein stands as a testament to the Iraqi people of the promise of freedom and democracy, and Christian values realized.

The accompanying and ongoing ruins of the US Embassy at the same site serves as intellectual stimulation for political scientists and archaeologists alike. They mirror the eternal cycle of rape, pillage, and plunder which has continued for centuries in Iraq and other Muslim cultures throughout the Middle East. The ruins are fascinating in the fact that they are ever-changing in a regular cycle of rebuilding and disrepair through the use of indentured slavery. On the other hand, much of what is known of the mysterious structures themselves has only been pieced together through the use of computerized simulations and archaeological layouts generated by scholars.

The ruins in Baghdad pay testimony to the extremes in which many leaders will resort in acts of self preservation. Bush the Redeemer was constructed only after extensive interviews of historians over the last year as to how best portray the Bush administration presidency and legacy. It has been estimated that the money thus far spent on the ruins would pay for the construction of  Giza style scaled pyramid housing units for every family in the city of Baghdad.

"We applaud the results of the voting, and are honored to be included," stated White House spokesperson Tony Snow. "This somewhat takes away the sting of rejection over the Statue of Liberty not making the cut."

 

 

07/06/07 Bush Pardons DC Madam before Phone Records Released

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In what the White House is describing as a newfound sense of bipartisanship and mercy, President Bush late today issued a full and complete pardon to accused "DC Madame" Deborah Palfrey. After examining thoroughly Ms. Palfrey's responsibilities to her extended family and business, as well as her ongoing service to the community and the evidence she had presented upon her behalf, the president rendered his judgment that her potential punishment was far too severe for the crimes that she may have theoretically committed, and issued a pre-commutation from any future attempts at prosecution.

Under the terms of the pre-commutation deal, Ms. Palfrey handed over to the White House her controversial phone records which purportedly documented utilization of her "escort services" by very powerful and influential administration officials. The phone records were promptly sealed and classified as top secret "in the interests of national security".

"This should go a long way towards silencing critics who are falsely accusing the president of not providing equal justice under the law in regards to the Scooter Libby pardon... err... commutation," stated an aide to the third assistant to the secretary of White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "The president and many members both inside and outside of the Cabinet deliberated long and hard on this one. While ultimately there was absolutely no evidence of any improprieties, it was felt that the country should be spared from the indignity of politically charged false accusations."

"I'm just pleased to see the administration finally step forward and do me right," stated Ms. Palfrey. "This is what is truly meant by the term executive privilege. There are certain confidentialities, not unlike that between a doctor and a patient, that are meant to be sacred. It's a matter of professionalism."

Critics immediately assailed the White House for what they described as yet another in a long list of abuses of power.

"If you'll examine your constitution, the president is clearly within his rights," argued newly reinstated staffer I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. "It all falls under the concept put forth by our founding fathers of the unitary legislato-judiciary-executive. In essence, everyone ultimately serves at the pleasure of the president."

 

07/04/07 O Father, Where Art Thou?

Click here to see "O Father Where Art Thou"!

 

07/03 /07 "Scooter" DVD Released Today

SCOOTER

A top White House Aide previously abandoned after a routine mission gave way to perjury is brought back into the fold by the administration to avoid having him spill his guts to the feds to avoid imprisonment. There was a time when Lewis "Scooter" Libby was the best character assassin in the administration, but after being convicted due to sloppiness, the justice system attempted to punish him without special consideration. Under threat of being located to a remote minimum security facility, high profile government officials commute Scooter from serving his sentence in order to prevent special knowledge in his possession from falling into the wrong hands. Scooter is enticed back into the fold in order to stop a determined Congress from legally taking out the President of the United States. In the process of carrying out his mission, however, Scooter suddenly realizes that he has not been completely vindicated when he becomes the subject both of nationwide ridicule, and a concerted effort to have him completely pardoned. Now vetted and desperate to conceal the culprits behind the conspiracy as time runs out, Scooter sets into motion a disinformation and public relations plan that will send waves of nausea rippling through some of the most powerful and well-intentioned leaders of the Democratic Party. George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Karl Rove costar in this conspiracy-driven inaction thriller that asks what it truly means to save one's country. ~ Dood Abides, Dood's Movie Guide

The special features DVD goes on sale today, and is Rated M for manure.

 

 

07/02/07 Cheney Pays Libby's $750,000 Fine in Wake of Presidential Commutation

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Late this evening in a private White House ceremony, Vice President Dick Cheney sweetened the earlier sentence commutation for a perjury conviction from President George Bush by awarding a $750,000 check to former chief counsel "Scooter" Libby to cover the remainder of his $250,000 fine. The vice president praised Libby for his patriotism, and his stoic silence throughout the legal proceedings against him.

"America needs this man, but I need him more," praised the vice president. "I just hope that he will accept this small token of my appreciation in the spirit in which it is extended. This man and his family have suffered long enough in personal service of the executo-legislato-judicio branch of government. The skill set he has acquired here should serve him well in whatever private sector position he eventually chooses."

The payment of Libby's fine now apparently leaves only the stigma of the loss of his ability to practice law as a final punishment. A White House spokesperson stated that Justice Department officials, at the insistence of the president, will be looking into legal precedents surrounding reinstatement of convicted felons' rights to practice law.

"This has been a dark time for this administration and indeed for the nation," stated a White House spokesperson. "After multiple consultations with historians over the last few weeks, the president came to a personal consensus view that it was time to draw to a close the whole sordid affair and usher in a period of healing for the administration as well as the country. The president urges all Americans to take away from these events a greater respect for the rule of law, but, more importantly, an humble subservience to the unitary executive, especially during times of war."

06/30/07 Pelosi Announces New Defections in The War on The White House

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a new sense of bipartisanship, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid unveiled what will be an ongoing spotlight and forum in the Democratic Party's declared assault on the White House. The weekly forum will feature any Republican interested in defecting from what the Democrats described as the White House's ongoing simpleminded and destructive policies both foreign and domestic.

 

Standing with Senator Reid and Representative Pelosi in the initial forum where prominent Republican senators Richard Lugar from Indiana and Mitch McConnell from Kentucky. Both senators briefly outlined their own disaffection with the ongoing conflict in Iraq and pledged to do their part in bringing it to a swift resolution without further endangering American troops. Both remained very close lipped in regards to the recent rebuttal of President Bush's touted immigration reform, stating that they preferred to "pick their own battles".

"We're happy to be of assistance to our colleagues across the aisle," stated Representative Pelosi, "and if this is of some help in their ongoing reelection campaigns, than everyone benefits. The more that we are able to help them get on record as condemning the war in Iraq, the more the American people will see that Congress is responsive to their will."

"We're looking forward to a parade of prominent defections in the coming weeks," stated Senator Reid. "Perhaps it may be a bit premature, but it looks like articles of impeachment for a few people may indeed be back on the table. The ball is back in the White House's court, and it will depend upon their compliance with recently issued subpoenas."

Both Reid and Pelosi characterized today's event as merely the opening salvo in their formally declared war on the group of terrorists who have taken the White House hostage, and promised the American people a swift end to the conflict.

 

 

06/28/07 Cheney Bags First Bald Eagle after Bird's Removal from Endangered Species List

 

Casper, Wyoming (APE) - The White House today announced that Vice President Dick Cheney, mere hours after the bald eagle was officially removed from the endangered species list, became the first to officially bagged one of the majestic raptors. Cheney reportedly bagged the bird, one which had been released from captivity, after the third shot.

Citing the existence of some 10,000 nesting pairs in 48 states, Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne had hours earlier heralded the removal of the national bird from the United States' list of endangered species.

In honor of the occasion comedian Stephen Colbert had donated his bald eagle named "Little Stephen" whom he had supported the rescue of, to the vice president as a gift. Colbert could not be reached for comment.

Larry Schweiger, spokesman for the National Wildlife Federation angrily protested the vice president's actions, stating, "The Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act and the Migratory Bird Treaty Act still protect the bald eagle, and prohibit killing, selling or otherwise harming eagles, their nests or eggs."

The White House immediately sprang to the defense of the vice president, stating that this particular eagle, since it was captive and under the auspices of the Patriot Act, was not entitled to the legal rights and privileges of American Eagles. In addition, the White House offered that the vice president was an independent branch of the government, and not subject to either federal or local game regulations, and that the bird would not be turned over to any authority even under the threat of subpoena.

The spokesperson concluded by stating that the bird had been plucked and flash frozen at the Wyoming hunting preserve, and would likely find its way to the table for a July 4th holiday dinner at the White House.

 

 

06/28/07 Obama, Clinton Campaigns now Demand Apology from Coulter

 

Washimgton, DC (Rotters) - On the heels of robust donations posted by the John Edwards '08 presidential campaign, both the Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton campaigns have contacted the publishing firm for Ann Coulter demanding apologies for past insults from the right wing pundit and exclusive deals for continued abuse. "We're just a bit overwhelmed," stated a spokesperson for Crown Publishers, "Ann has really stumbled onto something here."

In what is viewed as a first tentative step at forming a political consulting firm, Ms. Coulter appeared at a $1000 plate campaign dinner for Illinois Senator Barack Obama, last night in Washington.

"As I said to Mrs. Edwards, I'm happy that they're able to use my name to raise funds," stated Ms. Coulter. "It's the American dream to be paid well for doing something that you would probably do for free. I happen to enjoy insulting people, particularly liberals and Democrats. If I can turn a little coin for myself in addition to my writing, well than everybody's happy. I would respectfully disagree with Ms. Edwards about her little crack about "elevating the level of discourse". That's just a bunch of elitist nonsense, and smash mouth politics is exactly what the American public wants."

A spokesperson for Coulter stated that they were exploring ways in which they might be able to meet the increasing demands from other Democratic candidates. "Ann would love to be able to support and debate everyone, but she probably has even less time than the average presidential candidate," stated the spokesperson. "She would also like to be able to provide equal financial incentives to a number of Republican candidates."

Coulter was resoundingly and enthusiastically booed by last night's attendees as she steadfastly refused to apologize for disparaging past remarks in regards to Obama's name and religious preference. Preliminary figures compiled by the Obama campaign indicated that they had raked in $200,000 in additional donations above and beyond monies raised by the dinner itself.

"I was delighted to finally meet the Rock... er, I mean, Barack," concluded Coulter. "Everything that they say about his charisma and presence is absolutely true. He's hot! I just don't see why anyone should have a problem with this man having a pretty blonde girl on his arm."

 

 

06/26/07 Coulter Offers Endorsement to Edwards Campaign

 

Washington, DC (APE) - Fans and pundits alike were stunned when, in a pique of anger, right-wing columnist Ann Coulter offered her services to the John Edwards for President campaign last night on "Hardball". Coulter was engaged in a heated debate with Edwards' wife Elizabeth at the prompting of show host Chris Matthews, when she testily offered to Ms. Edwards that they should feel free to use her to forward the former North Carolina senator's Democratic campaign for the presidency. The Edwards camp wasted no time in taking Ms. Coulter up on the suggestion and unveiled their new campaign poster designed for youth appeal.

"This wasn't exactly what I had in mind," stated Ms. Coulter, "but I do look hot, don't I?"

"Interest in the new poster is through the roof," stated an Edwards campaign spokesperson, "we can't print enough of them. It's polling really well right now with the under 21 demographics, and we're looking for a lot of cross party support. You can't beat the young Republican males away with a baseball bat."

An anonymous spokesperson for the Hilary Clinton campaign scoffed at the notion that the poster would in any way be capable of salvaging Edwards' flagging campaign. "I can just see Ms. Coulter laughing and running all the way to the bank on her spindly legs," stated the spokesperson.

 

 

06/26/07 Final Installment of Washington Post Article on Cheney Leaked

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The Washington Post this morning issued a rare apology and immediately removed from its online edition what some have described as a premature posting of its final installment on an exposé of the workings of the vice president Dick Cheney. Editors apologized stating that the rough draft should never have seen the light of day, as it had never been formally validated by the editorial staff and was filled with what some might say was "educated speculation".

The final piece attempted to tie together the three previous articles and explore the basis for the vice president's overwhelming desire for secrecy.

The authors revealed numerous sources within the office of the Vice President whose chief responsibility is ensuring that Mr. Cheney is indeed able to maintain secrets from himself.

One example is a staffer whose only job is to present the vice president with continual refuting of the secret that Mr. Cheney does indeed enjoy torture, and does not merely view it as an unpleasant but necessary means to an end in the global war on terror. Thanks to the tireless efforts of this particular staffer, Mr. Cheney and President Bush are honestly able to maintain in public the statement that "America does not torture" as Mr. Bush famously responded to a group of 50 high school presidential scholars yesterday who were concerned over the reputation of America under the Bush administration.

Vice presidential Chief of Staff David Addington was quoted extensively throughout the piece.

"It is a continually challenging effort to provide this service to the vice president, but it has its own rewards," stated Addington,"It can also be tricky at times, and if you're not able to keep certain truths about Mr. Cheney from himself, you could easily wind up in jail or some other nasty outcome."

"With the understanding of these continual efforts behind the man, it is much easier to appreciate the vice president's nuanced position that he is both beyond and a part of the executive and legislative branches, and therefore exempt from the oversight efforts of either branch," concluded Addington. "We look forward to meeting the challenge issued by Representative Emanuel this week, and if he proceeds with his plans to attempt to defund the office of the Vice President, he may find the power turned off to his own office as a part of the vice president's new energy conservation measures."

The Post denied that its decision to pull the final installment was in any way influenced by the White House, and stated that it would be cooperating with federal authorities in an investigation to determine who was responsible for the leak.

 

 

06/22/07 Guantanamo to be Reopened as Branch of Walter Reed

 

Washington, DC (APE) - Late this evening the Pentagon revealed its plans for Guantánamo Bay, putting an end to rumors that the Bush administration would be closing the controversial prison. All enemy combatants will be removed by the end of next week to make way for the overflow of mildly wounded and combat stressed soldiers returning from Iraq.

The Pentagon stated that it would be working in conjunction with the CIA and conducting round-the-clock flights to undisclosed locations throughout the world where the vast majority of prisoners would continue to be held and some repatriated. Over the coming months thousands of the more highly functioning wounded Iraq War veterans will be housed in the same facilities in an effort to provide intensive rehabilitation designed to return as many as possible back to their combat units.

"We happened to see an advance screening of Michael Moore's new movie, Sicko," stated a Pentagon spokesperson. "Incredibly, Mr. Moore was correct in his assertion that the quality of medical care delivered to the prisoners at Guantánamo far surpasses that available for our returning GIs. We're just responding... adapting and improvising if you will."

With suicide being a common outcome among combat stressed soldiers, it is hoped that the highly trained personnel currently staffing Guantánamo will be able to effect a change in the deadly trend.

"This should serve as an example to those who would accuse the president of being cold and inflexible," stated White House press secretary Tony Snow. "The president is determined to show all manner of support to our troops during a time of war. We're confident that this new medical facility will have our young men and women whipped back into shape in no time at all."

 

 

06/20/07 Newly Independent Bloomberg Signs on with Connecticut for Lieberman Party

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - One day after New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg renounced his affiliation with the Republican Party, he put to rest speculations of an independent run for the presidency by today announcing that he had officially registered with the Connecticut for Lieberman Party. Speaking at a press conference with Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, Bloomberg announced the formation of an official exploratory committee that will look into the possibility of an independent run for the presidency with Lieberman as vice presidential running mate.

An exploratory committee spokesperson stated that all options were on the table in the bid to have Bloomberg become the first Independent party candidate elected president, in a field of 20 plus and counting Republican and Democratic contenders.

"We have been approached by a number of very creative sources in regards to funding," stated the committee spokesperson. "Former RNC chair Ken Mehlman has been very generous with offers of support."

"It's high time the American public ceased to view independent candidates as spoilers, and take a good hard look at what it is they seem to believe is being spoiled," stated a CFL spokesperson.

 

06/19/07 140,000 RNC Emails Disappeared by Botnet Spammers

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a joint announcement this morning FBI Director Robert Mueller and special presidential assistant Karl Rove confirmed that over 140,000 of Rove's personal e-mails had been maliciously deleted from Republican National Committee servers by botnet programs apparently uploaded by spammers. Mueller stated that he had contacted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and was working closely with the Justice Department in investigating the possibility of charging a group of arrested spammers with violations of the presidential records act, a 30-year-old law which mandates the archiving of all presidential correspondence.

"This is a tragedy of epic proportions," stated Mueller, "to have the history of the Bush Administration squandered and deleted over promises of cheap Viagra and Oxycontin is almost unimaginable."

Mueller stated that the RNC, much like millions of other individuals whose computers have been hijacked by bot programs and "botherders", was totally unaware of its hardware's compromise. He admitted that the RNC's pirated servers might have largely gone unnoticed had it not been for congressman Henry Waxman's investigation into the White House's unauthorized use of RNC email accounts for official business. Mueller vowed that the FBI would continue the daunting task of personally contacting all those infected.

"This has been a real lesson for me," stated Special Presidential Assistant Karl Rove. "This whole thing started as I was trying to get a few tunes for the President's iPod.  I couldn't access Limewire through official White House servers, and the RNC accounts were perfect.  It's also affected me personally, as I lost everything I had saved on my Zwinky account."

Rove and Mueller both agreed that this development would likely bring to an unfortunate end Democrats attempts to investigate possible Administration political malfeasance on a number of fronts.

"It's time for folks to move on," insisted Rove, "there was never any there, there in the first place. This is not a case of "the dog ate my homework"... if we had the information to turn over, we would."

Mueller concluded that this incident served to highlight the dangers to the average user on the internet, and cautioned that the FBI had evidence of a series of scams set to emerge as a result of this exposure.

"They always promise unrealistic things and ask for money... that should be your first clue," concluded Mueller. "If you get any email claiming to be from a Democratic candidate, or indeed the Democratic party itself, I would urge you to delete it without opening it... shut down your machine immediately and notify the FBI."

 

 

06/16/07 Gonzales Appoints Newly Available Nifong as US Attorney

Durham, NC (APE) - In a surprise move today, US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that he would be making a special appointment of former District Attorney Mike Nifong to serve as a US Attorney. Gonzales had flown to Durham from the nation's capitol to make the announcement outside the Durham Federal Courthouse. A tearful Nifong had earlier resigned his position as District Attorney during a special hearing into his conduct over the mishandling of the alleged Duke Lacrosse Team rape of an exotic dancer .

Nifong admitted to former suspects and their families that at one point, "it got out of hand."

Gonzales praised Nifong for his zeal and abilities in attempting to bring forward a difficult case. "Mike is an example of just the kind of US Attorney we're looking for... one who won't be afraid to go after the tough new issues of illegal immigration and voter fraud... in a creative manner if need be."

Nifong was appointed by Gonzales just before president Bush signed S.214, a law passed overwhelmingly by both the House and Senate which overturned provisions in the Patriot Act that allowed Gonzales the ability to appoint US attorneys without congressional oversight.

"Mike, who is a Democrat, should go a long way towards restoring bi-partisan confidence in the Department of Justice," stated Gonzales. "The President takes great pleasure in his(Nifong's) future service."

 

06/15/07 Convicted Perjurer I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby Reports Early for Imprisonment

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a stunning development, former vice presidential counsel I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby waved the estimated five weeks grace period in place before he would have to officially report for incarceration. He reported early today to an undisclosed federal penitentiary to begin serving his 2 1/2 year sentence for his role in the Valerie Plame scandal. Libby appears to be embracing a tactic employed  recently by a number of other celebrities, including Martha Stewart and Paris Hilton.

While Mr. Libby's motives remained unclear, many Washington insiders felt that Libby and his legal team were attempting to take advantage of the groundswell of support from conservatives all over America and turn up the heat for an official pardon from President George W. Bush.

"This is not an acknowledgment of guilt by any means," stated Libby's chief defense lawyer Larry Robins, "and the appeals process will go on. This is just a way to refocus everyone on the plight of Mr. Libby and his family and impress upon them and his need for continued loyalty."

Accompanying Libby to the prison were his tearful wife and friend and associate, former New York Times reporter Judith Miller.  Ironically Miller herself had gone to prison almost 2 years earlier for her refusal to testify before a grand jury as to Libby's role in the Plame affair.

"I'm looking forward to collaborating with Mr. Libby on a book about our shared experiences while he's here,"  stated Miller. "At this point I have every reason to suspect that he won't be here for very long and that the president will do the right thing with a full pardon and our book won't be necessary. My working title for the book is "All Aspens are Related" and I anticipate it's going to be a real page turner."

The White House refused to comment on Libby's latest move, with newly hired counsel Ed Gillespie stating that they did not want to unduly influence any remaining appeals processes. "Our sympathies again go out to Mr. Libby's wife, and he should rest assured that the Vice President personally intends to see that she and his family will be taken care of in his absence. The administration will also be scrutinizing the appellate pathway to assure that there are no obstacles to a fair and rapid disposition of Mr. Libby's case."

"Mr. Libby is the exemplar of a public servant," concluded Gillespie, "he is like the stately spruce... tall and unbending under the weight of winter snow and evergreen throughout all seasons."

 

 

06/14/07 Breaking: International Space Station Rescued

 

Houston, TX (APE) - A jubilant NASA Mission Control late tonight announced that the International Space Station's computers had been stabilized and the astronauts aboard were no longer in any danger. Early yesterday, the space station had suffered a complete crash of its onboard computer systems which controlled among other important things, the astronauts' water and air supplies. NASA publicly thanked Apple Corporation for its assistance in the rescue through troubleshooting of its new Windows compatible browser Safari.

A NASA spokesperson reluctantly admitted that the entire incident aboard the space station had occurred as a result of one of the American astronauts uploading a beta version of the new browser.

"Apparently after they installed Safari, one of the Russian astronauts attempted to upload a Paris Hilton video when the entire system crashed," the NASA spokesperson. "It was great that the Apple engineers were able to work through the night and come up with a patch for us."

Apple earlier today issued the patch to the general public through their website. The patch claims to fix over 48 serious flaws identified by enthusiasts over the last few days.

"We're proud that we were able to be of assistance," stated Apple CEO Steven Jobs. "We're also proud of the fact that we've been able to respond to the security flaws identified in the Windows version of Safari so quickly. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to go to the internet with the operating system you have and not necessarily with the one you'd like."

 

06/12/07 Iraq to the Future (a commentary)

More than anything else, I'm a visual person... I was struck today by the picture from Iraq of the destruction of the two minarets at what was left of the Samarra mosque.  Most pictures showed the lone Clocktower, presumably frozen in time at that early morning second strike of lightning-like violence.

I was immediately reminded of Doc Brown at the top of Hill Valley's court house clock, frantically attempting to send Marty McFly back to the future... and correct everything that had gone horribly wrong...

For those who are not familiar with Robert Zemeckis' fun and classic trilogy, it's all about how things can go very horribly wrong with just the slightest of changes, and how everything is inextricably interconnected from the past to the future.

How long do we allow Doc Rove to continue to toy with and rewrite both the past and the future in Iraq in order just to save Dubya McFly's bacon?

The destruction of the minarets at the Samarra mosque is an excruciating example of déjà vu all over again at so many levels... lightning has struck again, and the Bush administration is simply attempting to channel the energy through their own version of a fuck-capacitor to take us all "back to the future" of Iraq, praying for a different outcome.

In the meantime this alternate version of the past/present is very subtly and dangerously different... within hours of the destruction of the minarets we hear of the assassination of a Lebanon lawmaker... we hear of the routing of Fatah by Hamas... and reports from our own generals that all is not going well and that "September" might just as well mean September 2015... feel free to add to the mess.

These things are all interrelated in ways beyond my comprehension and I would love some help in sorting out which directions and alternatives will be left for us as a country... I fear it does not bode well.

Could we please just unplug the amp on Dubya? I don't think I want to hang around and watch as more Iraqis and  Americans die needlessly just so that he can keep playing frantically to keep from fading away into oblivion.

 

06/12/07 Lifted Bush Watch Surfaces for Sale on eBay.de

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House late this evening grudgingly admitted that the president's prized wristwatch had indeed been taken from him in Albania. They steadfastly insisted that it had not been taken from his wrist as had been widely reported in the press, but that it had been stolen from the president's pants front pocket after it had been removed and placed there by Mr. Bush. The watch apparently surfaced for sale early this morning on the German eBay website, and was quickly removed after an anonymous buyer fronted €100,000 for it. The White House refused to either confirm or deny that it was responsible for the purchase.

The watch was reportedly identified through an inscription on the back identifying it as a gift from Disney CEO Michael Eisner, that said "Your keys to the Kingdom, M.E.".

"The watch does indeed have some sentimental value," stated White House press secretary Tony Snow, "and we look forward to returning the president's successful visit to Albania to one with all positive memories for him."

The president was seen earlier today hosting a luncheon for Republican senators in an effort to resurrect his stalled immigration legislation. "I fear that the president's timing is off on this issue," stated Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, "He's running way too late."

 

06/12/07 Bush Administration Declares Paris Hilton Enemy Combatant over Jailhouse Religious Conversion

 

Los Angeles, CA (Rotters) - Upping the ante over a recent Superior court rebuke of the President's claimed right to hold American citizens indefinitely, the Bush Administration Justice Department ordered the transfer of recently converted celebrity Paris Hilton to federal maximum security until a complete investigation of possible terrorist ties could be investigated.

A spokes person for Heyman Itsmamall (formerly known as Paris Hilton until her recent conversion to Islam) insisted that the charges were totally false and groundless and merely an effort by the Bush Administration to divert attention from its disintegrating Justice Department. "Heyman was being made an example of initially by Los Angeles County, but this has gone too far now."

Hilton/Itsmimall cited Allah as her source of strength through her spokesperson, and insisted that this was not a "jailhouse conversion" and that she will be able to endure and persevere through her faith.

The Bush administration insisted that it had proof of Hilton's participation in a USO type performance and visit to an Al-Qaeda training camp prior to 9/11, and stated that it would be able to prove that she was functioning as a sleeper agent.

 

 

06/11/07 Sopranos Creator David Chase Executed Gangland Style over Final Episode

 

New York, NY (APE) - Fans outside of a New York City nightclub, Leotardos, were stunned earlier tonight as David Chase, the veteran Hollywood screenwriter and creator of the hit HBO series The Sopranos, was apparently executed in Mafia hit fashion by an unknown assailant. Witnesses said the assailant appeared out of nowhere and apparently fired three shots into the unsuspecting Chase before vanishing into the night. Chase had been attending a closing cast party with friends and family when the apparent execution occurred.

Witnesses variously described the assailant as large, muscular, slightly overweight, middle-aged, and Italian in appearance. Police were working on a composite drawing based on witness descriptions.

A police spokesperson stated that witnesses claimed the assailant pointed the gun at Chase and shouted, "Don't stop believing... believe this m..... f.....". He then shot the screenwriter three time in the neck, head, and chest and threw a seven DVD collection of the Sopranos onto Chase's collapsed body, shouting "Bada-Bing!" as he hopped into a waiting car and sped off.

The police spokesperson stated that they did not have any suspects in the killing, and were continuing to question witnesses and examine further pictures taken by paparazzi present. "At this time we're working on the possibility that this may have been some type of revenge killing, but the list of suspects is daunting and may be in the millions. We'll do everything that we can, but this murder may just sort of fade to black without any more information."

 

06/11/08 Bush Participates in Nude Cycling Protest in Albania

 

Tirana, Albania (Rotters) - President Bush enjoyed the adulation of an enthusiastic and supportive crowd in Albania as he participated in an international day of protest staged by cyclists worldwide. Bush, noted for his staunch support for the sport of cycling as well as his recent awakening to the dangers of global warming, donned body paint and joined the "Nude Bicycling" protest which occurred in various countries on Saturday. The protest sought to encourage people to leave cars parked and cycle instead in order to reduce carbon emissions.

"This was a spur of the moment thing," stated White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "The president was just really impressed by the warmth of the people of Albania and decided to show his growing support for corporate regulation of carbon emissions at the last minute."

The president apparently elected to preserve some dignity during the protest, as he avoided going completely au naturale and boasted a black and white body painting depicting himself as a "unitary executive".

"We really had to cobble this together at the last minute, so we had to get a little creative," explained Snow. "The black "paint" came from a little shoe polish and some documents we had to destroy aboard Air Force One. The white came from a case of whiteout that we always carry for editing papers and recreational purposes."

The President returns today to Washington, DC amidst impotent support for his immigration reform legislation. He will be meeting with house minority leader John Boehner to discuss an acceptable position for the Republican Party which will allow for maximum penetration on the issue, given the Party's currently flaccid state.

 

06/08/07 Bush Misses Final Morning of G-8 Summit due to Stomach Virus

HEILIGENDAMM, Germany (Rotters) - White House sources traveling with the president today stated that he would be officially missing the final morning of the G-8 summit due to a stomach virus.  They insisted that there was no cause for concern and that the president would be fit and ready for celebratory functions expected for the evening. An anonymous source for the White House entourage, however, stated that the president's physician was quite concerned over his symptoms and that traces of the rare element Americium had been found in the president's suite as well as in those of other European leaders.

The president's morning illness provided a fitting end note for what critics are describing as possibly one of the worst performances of a US leader in history.  Within the course of a week, Bush publicly rebuked various proposals in regards to global warming from two long-standing allies, Angela Merkel of Germany and Tony Blair of Great Britain. He was also publicly humiliated by former friend Vladimir Putin in regards to placement of a controversial missile shield in Poland.

Bush was noted to have spent an afternoon of fence mending with Russian leader Vladimir Putin in a relaxed and informal setting over drinks yesterday.  Putin reportedly objected vehemently to the president's choice of beverages and instead offered another beverage of Russian origin be placed upon the table. The president reportedly agreed to his proposal but vowed to proceed to a predetermined line and no further without severe consequences.

In a bizarre development, according to an anonymous White House source, small quantities of Americium were discovered spirited away within the enclosures of smoke detectors at the president's suite as well as those of other key leaders. The anonymous source for the White House stated that tests would be conducted upon Bush's return home, and that his physician was concerned over the possibility of ingestion of the highly toxic radioactive element. Russian officials scoffed at the possibility of former KGB chief Putin's involvement. The White House secretly urged that other G-8 officials be tested for Americium ingestion immediately.

The White House sought to minimize the president's poor performance at the summit, stating that Bush had , "acquitted himself well during a misinformed intervention over global warming on the part of other attendees."

"Everything always looks bad on the morning after," stated White House press secretary Tony Snow. "It's a major first step to get everyone to agree that there is a problem. We must now identify the enablers who allow other countries to continue their excessive consumption and destructive binges. There is some very serious denial that must be worked through here. We're pleased that the world is now beginning to see the value in finding and seeking help from a higher power such as the United States."

 

 

 

06/07/07 Paris Hilton to Serve Sentence at Home Joined by Scooter Libby

 

Los Angeles, CA (APE) - Television celebrity and multimillionaire Paris Hilton was today released from county jail, after having served five days of an original 45 day sentence. Correctional authorities remained closed lipped in regards to the circumstances for Hilton's early release but stated that she would now serve the remainder of her sentence under house arrest wearing an ankle bracelet at her own mansion. Federal corrections authorities in the nation's capital, citing a similar deterioration in the mental functioning of former vice presidential aide Scooter Libby since his sentencing earlier this week for perjury, stated that he will receive a matching ankle bracelet and have his sentence reduced to the same 45 day term allowing credit for time served. Libby will be flown cross-country tonight to began serving his sentence at Ms. Hilton's residence.

Hilton had begun serving a sentence for a previous drunk driving conviction which many viewed as excessively punitive and linked to her celebrity status. In a like fashion, the Justice Department and the White House were swamped earlier this week with pleas for leniency on behalf of Mr. Libby, insisting that no crime had been committed.

Libby was given a vice presidential pardon early this morning contingent upon his completing the 45 days of home arrest with Ms. Hilton. A spokesperson for the vice president insisted that Mr. Cheney's actions were entirely aboveboard and consistent with his executive powers while the president is out of the country in attendance at the G-8 summit in Germany.

Lawyers for both Mr. Libby and Ms. Hilton offered praise for the deal which they had brokered for their clients. "While the convictions remain unwarranted and unfair in both cases, this is the first civil gesture from authorities, and it is indeed welcomed,"  a spokesperson read from a prepared statement. "No one was harmed in either instance, so what is the reasoning behind the excessive punishment."

A spokesperson for Mr. Libby stated that he was looking forward to utilizing the time to collaborate with Ms. Hilton on a new fictional book exploring their collective experiences.

 

 

06/07/07 Stan Lee Inks Deal for Disney Makeover

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Former Marvel Comics guru Stan Lee has signed a deal with Disney Studios rumored to be worth millions in which he will be responsible for a makeover of Disney characters. The deal arose in an effort by Disney to bolster diminishing box office receipts for movies which many critics claim are "out of touch" with an increasingly sophisticated younger audience.

Disney Studio chairman Dick Cook admitted that they had thrown in the towel in regards to strictly wholesome family entertainment, and had high hopes for Lee's trademark abilities to transform their characters into more "three dimensional, lifelike, contemporary characters."

Disney's flagship icon Mickey Mouse will reportedly be the first to undergo "Marvelization" at the hands of Lee. Mickey will reportedly turn crime fighter/vigilante after donning an alien symbiotic suit which transforms him into the character "Venomaus",  an homage to Lee's most successful character, Spiderman.

"Mickey is a natural for this role," stated Lee. "It's almost a no-brainer... the parallels between Mickey and Peter Parker, particularly in regards to the on-again off-again personal relationships between Minnie Mouse/Mary Jane Watson, only need a little tweaking. Mickey is a goody two shoes archetype who's just begging for a reason to be a little bad. Think "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" with no regrets."

Ironically, according to Lee, the next character scheduled for makeover should bring to an end a long-standing feud between Lee and Disney which has included litigation in the past.

"Donald Duck has come full circle," beamed Lee. "I would be lying if I didn't admit that it's going to be a pleasure to stick a cigar in his beak and a machine gun under his wing, and allow him to achieve his full potential as Howard the Duck. I've also been talking with Jack Kirby about ways in which we can transform Hewey, Dewey, and Louie into a group of super powered "X-Ducks".

"Venomaus" will be the first movie scheduled for release sometime next summer, pending an anticipated restructuring of the movie ratings board later this year.

 

06/05/07 Gonzales Denies Responsibility for Guantanamo Setback

 

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (Rotters) - An angry Alberto Gonzales flew overnight to Guantánamo Bay Cuba in an apparent effort to stave off disaster for the Bush administration after yesterday's dismissal of charges against two detainees by two military judges. Charges were dismissed against the two prisoners over what appears to be a technicality in the failure of last fall's hastily prepared Republican legislation passed by Congress to address a Supreme Court ruling over the legality of the administration's ability to prosecute detainees in Guantánamo Bay.

The ruling judges yesterday tossed out the cases against two alleged Al Qaeda terrorists, stating that the government had failed to specify whether the two were "unlawful" combatants.

A spokesperson for Gonzales stated that the Justice Department would be looking into the feasibility of pursuing charges against the two military judges in question.

Duke University legal scholar Madeline Morris stated that the problems arose as a result of the poorly written law passed late last year. "It was rushed through in a flurry of political pressure from the White House ... and it is quite riddled with internal contradictions and anomalies." she stated.

Gonzalez, speaking to reporters outside of Camp Delta, insisted that the law had no major flaws and denied any hand in the original drafting of the legislation. Gonzalez has been swamped by a storm of controversy and charges of incompetence in the ongoing investigation into the controversial firing of United States attorneys for what appears to be political reasons.

"There is no technical loophole here," insisted an angry Gonzalez. "This entire group of prisoners were long ago lawfully declared "unlawful" by the president, as is his right during times of war. If the two judges in question cannot see this, the White House will do everything in its power to help them do so. The military serves at the pleasure of the president."

Gonzalez bristled at questions from reporters asking if this situation in which terrorists might go free was not further evidence of his own incompetence.

"Mistakes have been made," stated Gonzalez , "and we are correcting them. The American public needs to understand that there is no there, there. If there were, there is no reason that we wouldn't go there."

 

05/31/07 Apple Responds to Microsoft Surface Coffee Table PC with ctBook

 

Cupertino, CA (APE) - Not to be outdone, Apple CEO Steven Jobs today unveiled the new apple ctBook computer, or coffee table book computer. Apple's announcement comes on the heels of Microsoft's rollout of its new coffee table PC yesterday. Jobs called the new ctBook a triumph in technology designed to enhance and extend the utility of the new Microsoft surface technology and possibly surpass it.

The ctBook is a revamping of one of Apple's most popular platforms, the iBook. In a nod to Microsoft's vision of the future, gone is the keyboard interface, which has been replaced with a second touch sensitive screen. With a tap of the finger, users are able to pull up a touch sensitive keyboard if needed.

In an industrial coup, the ctBook as released is fully interfaceable with Microsoft's surface technology, being able to communicate with the table itself as well as cameras, cell phones, and other devices placed on the coffee table PC. Apple is betting that the mobile platform will be more desirable for the consumer.

Apple also announced that it had secured exclusive deals with online booksellers Barnes & Noble and Amazon for distribution of their most popular coffee table books. Users would simply and instantaneously download their favorite coffee table book content onto the ctBook using Microsoft's coffee-table PC interface.

The ctBook folds completely flat and locks in a position to allow it to function as a very handy laptop table or tray table, suitable for breakfast in bed or television viewing. The reinforced clear plastic viewing area is scratch, water, and stain resistant. Apple executives bragged that the new polymer technology is so resilient that they will be releasing a kitchen version of the ctBook that will also serve as a cutting board or serving tray.

The price for the new ctBook is expected to be under $2000, and it should be available before the Christmas season and prior to Microsoft's release of the coffee table PC.

 

05/31/07 Limbaugh Denies Involvement in Alleged Lohan OxyContin Addiction

 

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Right-wing radio pundit Rush Limbaugh late today stepped forward to deny accusations of involvement in screen actress Lindsay Lohan's newly revealed alleged addiction to OxyContin. The charges were brought in the press by Lohan's estranged and recovering addict father Michael Lohan earlier this morning, as Lohan had checked into the posh Promises rehab treatment facility in Malibu.

Lohan had been seen and photographed with Limbaugh on multiple occasions last year frequenting the same clubs in the Hollywood area.

Hollywood police earlier today had also announced that they were continuing an ongoing investigation into the Hollywood club scene with a concentration upon who might have been supplying alcohol and other substances to underage patrons. The clubs in question have consistently denied responsibility, and the police department would neither admit nor deny that Limbaugh had become the focus of their investigation.

Limbaugh, late today on his syndicated radio program, denied any wrongdoing and insisted that he was the victim of a left-wing smear campaign mounted by multi billionaire George Soros. "As God is my witness, I've done nothing wrong," Limbaugh related to listeners, "I swear to God, she told me she was 21! I've never offered her anything but Viagra for jet lag."

Limbaugh did admit to a passing acquaintance with Lohan, claiming that the two had met previously in a local pilonidal cyst support group, but that their relationship had remained platonic.

 

05/30/07 Whales Reappear Briefly off Golden Gate Bridge

 

San Francisco, CA (Rotters) - Californians and environmental activists watched in stunned silence as the humpback whales Delta and Dawn reappeared briefly just outside the San Francisco Bay in view of the Golden Gate Bridge, and were promptly harvested by the Japanese whaling vessel Yushin Maru. Whale watchers in vessels outside the bay attempted to herd the whales away from the ship by making noises, but were unsuccessful.

The actions of the Japanese trawler prompted immediate criticism and outrage from environmentalists and Californians who had followed the saga of the wayward mother and child into the freshwater rivers almost 90 miles to Sacramento and back to the bay.

The Japanese national whaling commission offered no apologies for the ship's actions, and instead thanked the people of the United States for their assistance in the harvesting of the pair. In a press release the commission offered to reduce by two their proposed number of 50 humpbacks which they intended to cull from the Pacific.

A tearful environmentalist who wished to remain anonymous stated, "This was definitely not the way that we had seen them going to that mansion in the sky."

 

 

05/29/07 Vast New Oilfield Discovered in Darfur, Bush Seeks Sanctions on Sudan

 

Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush today reversed a four year administration policy in regards to the government of Sudan by officially recognizing what it considered to be government endorsed genocide in the western Darfur region and insisting that it would bring a request for sanctions to the United Nations. Halliburton inc. later confirmed that a heretofore unknown deposit of crude oil had been discovered last month in the heart of the disputed region.

The new deposit, according to a Halliburton spokesperson, has the potential for production far surpassing that of problematic and equally disputed fields under American control in Iraq.

"We are working to bring an end to this conflict," stated Administration spokesman Dana Perrino. "We will attempt to work with the United Nations in an effort to bring all parties to the bargaining table and arrive at legislation which will allow everyone to share in the profits. If the United Nations cannot comply with our modest proposals, we are prepared to go it alone."

The Administration also announced that it had successfully concluded negotiations for a no-bid contract with Halliburton to provide security and to further develop resources for the people of Darfur. The president will later this week ask congress for an additional emergency Iraq War supplemental bill for approximately $50 billion to cover the monies appropriated from the original $120 billion bill signed last week.

 

 

05/25/07 Bush Warns of Bloody Summer for Reporters' Children

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush, at a press conference yesterday in the White House Rose Garden, warned contentious reporters of a bloody summer in store for their children. Bristling at tough questions in regard to the Iraq war, the president singled out two reporters, implying that their continued questioning of his authority posed a real risk to their own children.

Bush even went so far as to produce a picture of the infant son of a Washington Post reporter, and insisted "your son is in danger, David... this is just a snapshot of the situation."

Bush further stated in a press conference that the administration would be fully embracing the recommendations from the Baker commission report, and insisted that real progress had been made already.

"The American government needs to show more sacrifice in return for the support that this administration is giving Iraq," stated Bush. "The Iraqi study group recommended a series of benchmarks for us to meet, and we must hold the Democrats to that before improved security, political reconciliation and governance can be set for the Iraqis."

At the end of the president's remarks, in an ironic moment, a dove with an olive branch was seen to swoop low over the president and leave a deposit on his left jacket sleeve. The vice president subsequently popped up from the cover of bushes and winged the bird with one shot. A Secret Service detail then wrestled the wounded bird to the ground, and took it into custody. The president was shaken by the incident but unharmed according to the White House.

 

 

05/24/07 Reid Missing after Democratic Capitulation on War Funding Bill

 

 

Washington, DC (APE) - A spokesperson for Democratic Nevada Senator Harry Reid early this morning confirmed that the senator was missing, and indeed appears to have been taken hostage. Fox news network is reporting that it has received grainy cell phone footage of the Senate Majority Leader being held hostage by a radical group of left-wing terrorists operating under cover of the popular progressive blog, "The Daily Kos".

Democratic officials speculate that the senator was kidnapped in retaliation for announced plans yesterday for the democratically controlled House and Senate to acquiesce to the president's demands for continued unlimited funding for the war in Iraq without oversight.

FBI and CIA experts were scrambling to authenticate the thirty second video clip. At present, no one has stepped forward to claim responsibility, and no list of demands has surfaced.

The Daily Kos' self-described Mayor, Markos Moulitsas denied any responsibility in the apparent hostage taking. "The Daily Kos will be cooperating fully with authorities, what choice do we have?"  stated Moulitsas.

Democratic representative from Illinois Rahm Emanuel has reportedly asked for and received protective custody with the FBI.

A spokesperson for the White House stated that the president would bring all available resources to bear on a resolution to the situation and insisted that Reid would be recovered, dead or alive. "Domestic terrorism is very real, and this incident drives home the extent to which the our own internets have been infiltrated and used against us," stated White House press secretary Tony Snow.

Senate Minority Leader John Boehner immediately called for a congressional investigation into liberal multimillionaire George Soros and his possible involvement in the kidnapping.

The White House dismissed as wildly speculative the theory that the kidnapping may have actually occurred at the hands of a group attempting to solidify support for the current war funding bill. It said that the president would likely be declassifying later today domestic intelligence gathered over two years ago showing the infiltration of the Daily Kos by Al Qaeda sympathizers.

 

 

05/22/07 White House Releases Summer Schedule for Political Theatre

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House today announced the tentative schedule for its ongoing summer political theater productions. First up, starting in June will be a salute to Shakespeare, with the president starring in the White House's version of "Hamlet." The play will feature an update to contemporary times, and will also showcase a cameo appearance by embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

In July, the president will again return in a starring role in the White House's version of Alan Bennett's, "The Madness of King George". This production will be the White House's most ambitious to date, and reportedly will include as extras three aircraft carrier task forces currently stationed off the coast of Iran. Critics are anticipating that this will be Mr. Bush's signature performance and are anticipating a real blockbuster.

The White House political theater series will conclude in August, hopefully in concert with ongoing immigration legislation in Congress, as the president and his troupe take on the 1956 hit Broadway musical, "Damn Yankees".

Show times may vary, and admission is mandatory for the American public with no refunds for canceled productions.

 

05/21/07 Bush Attends Pirates World Premier in LA

Los Angeles, CA (O! Online) - President George W Bush made a surprise appearance this weekend at the World Premier of "Pirates of the Potomac: The End of the World" which was screened at the LA Disneyland. Thousands cheered his appearance until they suddenly realized that he was not Johnny Depp, who portrays him in the movie, and began pelting him with ice and popcorn, resulting in the secret service spiriting him away before the movie began.

Bush is on holiday this weekend at his Crawford, TX ranch where he is entertaining NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer. The White House insisted that the President was attempting to have a little fun with the in character appearance, and possibly hobnob anonymously with the electorate.

"The president was also hoping to meet with the film's costar, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards," stated a White House spokesperson. "The president thinks he's a God, and he's got all his tunes on IPod. The Stones are his new favorite biking music."

The White House vehemently denied reports that the president was wanting to discuss the declining health of his own father as well as the controversial "snorting ashes" incident with Richards.

"Pirates of the Potomac: The End of the World" is scheduled for release from the White House later this summer in theatres beginning around Iran. The latest sequel to the hit series of debacles is rated MA for excessive violence.

 

05/19/07 America's Favorite Smelly Ogre Loses Magic

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Critics are united over condemnation of the latest efforts from the smelly ogre that everyone loves to hate. "Karl the Turd" was  released with all the fanfare that the Bush administration and its corporate sponsors could muster, but it's tried and true formulaic writing appears not to be resonating with the American public.

"Karl the Turd" offers up expanded roles and musical numbers for a couple of his sidekicks, Commander Guy, and Snowjob. Commander Guy is seen in the latest sequel playing bongos and dancing with an African troupe and attempting to conduct an orchestra. Snowjob gives a fairly credible acquittal of himself as a jazz flute player, but while musically solid, the performance comes across overall as a sad imitation of Will Ferrell's Ron Burgundy newscaster character. Karl, himself, even gets into the act with a highly panned rap number entitled "MC Rove". The combined result is a potpourri of amateurish drivel reminiscent of a "Little Rascals" barnyard talent show that leaves supporters and pundits alike stampeding for an exit strategy.

Much of the tried and true jingoistic monologues throughout the sequel are just not funny anymore. The Administration is reportedly attempting rewrites of the ongoing conflict in Iraq scene even as the latest version is released to the public this weekend. The Iraq scene alone, with its special effects, is reportedly well over budget at $300 billion dollars, and rumors are that congress may actually pull the plug on the whole production with a vote of no confidence on Monday for one of the sequel's main producers, Alberto Gonzales.

As "Karl the Turd" deconstructs in slow motion in national release this weekend, reports have surfaced over ongoing conflicts within the cast. Monica Goodling, who plays Karl's doting companion and fellow ogre Fiona, is scheduled to testify before congress this week under immunity over production shortcuts and kickbacks that she may have been forced to participate in.

"Karl the Turd" is in release nationwide, and is rated "M" for "Manure".

 

05/18/07 Bush Appoints Rumsfeld to Replace Wolfowitz at World Bank

Washington, DC (APE) - At a brief press conference this morning at the Oval Office, President Bush took time from his farewell visit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair to announce that effective immediately, the new president for the World Bank would be former secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld. He stated that he had every confidence in the former secretary's abilities and looked forward to real benchmark progress in his ongoing war against corruption within the World Bank.

One of Rumsfeld's first objectives will be to secure the funding for the ongoing restoration of Iraq for which former World Bank head Paul Wolfowitz had been met with unsurmountable resistance, resulting, according to the president, in his being pushed out unfairly from his leadership role.

Rumsfeld promised to refine the leadership style brought to the World Bank from his former Pentagon protégé Wolfowitz. He vowed to have Iraq as a fully funded and functional democracy by year's end without significant losses in funding to other traditionally important World Bank projects. "We work with the funding sources that we have," he stated, "and not the ones that we would like."

Rumsfeld acknowledged that Wolfowitz would likely remain in an advisory capacity well past his June termination date with the bank. His first order of business with the World Bank's executive committee will be to arrange a raise with a suitable compensation package for the retention of Wolfowitz.

 

05/14/05 The GOPranos

CLICK TO ENLARGE!!

 

05/13/07 Apple Exploits iPod Pacemaker Interaction, Announces New ekgPod

Cupertino, CA (Rotters) - Apple Computers' Steven Jobs today unveiled the first transcutaneous combination iPod/Pacemaker called the ekgPod. The announcement comes on the heels of recent studies showing that the popular mp3 player is responsible for potentially interfering with cardiac pacemakers. Jobs stated that the first units will be slated for heart patients only, but after the initial rollout, implantation would be available to anyone able to secure a doctor's consent.

"This is the classic 'lemonade out of lemons' development and marketing strategy," stated a spokesperson from Wired magazine. "Apple has turned a potentially fatal flaw into a main selling point with unlimited growth potential. With today's young culture embracing all manner of body modification through piercings and tattoos, this is just the next logical step. Every kid is going to want to have one."

The current model of the ekgPod features two cutaneous jacks, one is a standard stereo mini-plug for head phones or earbuds, and the other is a mini-usb2 combination charging/data transfer receptacle. The unit features 80gb of shared memory which can be used for both mp3's and cardiac rhythm storage and analysis. Users will also be able to customize their cardiac listening environment through a number of downloadable rhythm tracings that simulate anything from the excitement of a live rock concert to the blissful relaxation of an intimate chamber music concerto.

"This is just the beginning," stated Jobs, in an announcement from Apple's Cupertino , CA headquarters. "We have in development, transcutaneous cochlear implants that will someday eliminate the need for headphones. We're also developing a GI electrode that will accurately reproduce resonance in the abdominal cavity for those who enjoy their bass. We're working on a whole new blackberry type of interface which will eliminate the need for any type of external connections, and therefore skin infections. In future ekgPods, there will be no need for recharging as we will have in place a bio-electric self replenishing melamine fueled power source, which will be available to everyone through food supplementation."

"We're also working on integrating the ekgPod with the iPhone," added Jobs. "Think of how wonderful it will be someday to get rid of all those annoying ring tones in public, and at the same time have your heart literally skip a beat when you receive a call from a loved one."

The ekgPod has received excellent reviews thus far from the limited number of geriatric recipients who have undergone the implantation procedure.

"I never understood the whole thing behind Fifty-Cent and rap music in general," stated 80 year old Selma Rothstein. "Now I get it! And my cardiologist says that my ejection fraction is up over ten percent... I feel like I'm almost forty years old again!"

"I had to ask my doc where they ran those electrodes," stated 72 year old heart patient Jonathan Diamonte. "I'm always in the mood now, and I haven't taken Cialis in over three months!"

Not all reviews of the ekgPod have been positive, however. A small number of relatively unconfirmed reports have surfaced on the internet that the devices may be interfering with microwave ovens, resulting in potentially deadly cases of salmonella from severely undercooked food. A spokesperson for Apple minimized the reports, stating that they were all under investigation, and insisted that preliminary results faulted the manufacturers of a number of unnamed ovens.

 

05/09/07 September... Earth, Wind, and Fire Resurrection Tour!

SEPTEMBER

(apologies to Earth, Wind, and Fire)

Can we dismember the 110th’s oversight ‘til September?
Like we’re changing our minds, we’re pretenders
We’re chasing all doubts away

Our guys are bleeding
In the sea of the oil we’ll be stealing.
As we prance through the fight,
We’re limber… how the cars blow the night away…

Party on! - Burn it to the embers!
Party on! – Delay it ‘til September!
Party on! – Gotta keep the hounds at bay!

Our thoughts are miscues
Blowing sand in your eyes, to deceive you
Only Bush talk and Rove,
On a bender!  We know war is here to stay!

Now the decider found the war that he started in error.
Only grew dark and long,
Can’t remember all the graves that he’s filled today…

Party on! - Pray they don’t remember!
Party on! - Romance ‘em with September!
Party on! - Never be too proud to bray!

Party on! - Slay ‘em with your timbre!
Party on! - Chance it ‘til September!
Party on! - Golden schemes of oily days!

 

05/09/07 Cheney Solidifies Oil Sharing Deal on Surprise Baghdad Visit

 

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - Vice President Dick Cheney made an unannounced visit to Iraq, landing in Baghdad early this morning as his first stop in a whirlwind Middle East tour to include Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Egypt and Jordan in an attempt to bolster flagging support for the US occupation of Iraq. Cheney met with Iraqi prime minister Nuri Al-Maliki in an attempt to persuade the Iraqis to conclude controversial oil sharing legislation before the parliament's looming recess.

Cheney urged the Prime Minister to force through legislation over the objections of the Kurdish minority, who had recently signed independent oil deals over recently discovered deposits in their regions. He insisted that American patience was wearing thin over the lack of a profit sharing deal for the country, and the best course of action would be to leave the Kurds out temporarily, and subvert the region at a later date when political and military stability had been restored.

Cheney took the opportunity to criticize what he called continued congressional meddling in Iraq through Democrat's efforts to bring US involvement to a close through defunding the occupation.

"These funds are desperately needed by the forces on the ground here", insisted Cheney, "Micro-management and oversight are essentially the same thing in this fluid situation, and they're simply not helpful. We will need to continue to throw good money after bad for the foreseeable future."

A considerably lightened Air Force-2 is scheduled to depart at an undisclosed time late tonight.

 

 

05/05/07 Hilton Insists on Early Incarceration

 

Los Angeles, CA (Rotters) - Lawyers for Paris Hilton yesterday insisted that the the star be allowed to report for incarceration earlier than the propose time one month from now in June.  Hilton has threatened the city with a $10 million lawsuit if it will not comply with her demand.

At issue is a new proposed Fox TV reality show called "Jail Life" starring Ms. Hilton as well as her longtime sidekick Nicole Richie. A spokesperson for Ms. Richie stated that her plans to be arrested later tomorrow to coincide with Ms. Hilton's sentence had been put on hold indefinitely.

A Fox television spokesperson speaking on condition of anonymity expressed frustration with penal authorities over a lack of access to the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynnwood, California, and the 8 x 12 cell in which Hilton and Richie were proposed to spend 45 days. "Lighting and camera angles are not something to be left to the last minute," stated the Fox spokesperson. "We're really disappointed with the lack of professionalism here."

A spokesperson for Hilton stated that millions stood to be lost in the delay of the rollout of "Slamwear", a new line of clothing and accessories scheduled to be launched with Hilton's incarceration. The clothing borrows heavily on "correctional orange" color schemes as well as striped motifs. A deal in which fellow inmates would actually stitch the clothing was now in peril.

Hilton's parents were quoted as saying that the correctional system's behavior was, "pathetic and disgusting". Hilton's lawyer described the situation as, "uncalled for, inappropriate, and bordering on the ludicrous."

 

05/05/07 Commander Guy

Look!! Down on the Sly!! It's a turd! It's a shame! It's COMMANDER GUY!

Vaster than squeamish pullet! More sorrowful for his local motives! Able to freep small children with a single hound!  Yes, it's Commander Guy... lame resident from another planet who came to Washington with powers and liabilities far below those of normal men! Commander Guy... who can't manage the source of dirty rivers, spend, steal, with other's hands, and who, disguised as George Bush, an ill-tempered decider for a deteriorating banana republic, fights a battle for forever ending truth, justice, and the American way!

 

05/03/07 Rice Reveals Topless Britney Photos are Fakes

Los Angeles, CA (APE) - The State Department today revealed that the topless photos of Britney Spears currently circulating throughout the Internet were indeed fakes, and were intended to be, as some had suspected, an April fool's joke. A spokesperson for Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice insisted that no laws were broken and the pictures in question were a practical joke intended for the eyes of the president only.

"The president has been a long fan of Ms. Spears," stated an anonymous White House aide.  "Ms. Rice thought that it would be a great practical joke to don a blonde wig, dark glasses, and a funny looking hat to serve at the pleasure of the president.  The end result was pretty convincing as you can tell."

White House press secretary Tony Snow addressed the topless photos of Rice at today's morning press conference, stating that the administration was relieved that the secret was now public. "You have an ongoing witch-hunt in Congress spearheaded by Senator Leahy's conspiracy theory over missing and deleted e-mails on White House and RNC servers," stated Snow.  "there are all sorts of nefarious plots and reasons behind this that are circulating throughout the press, and the truth of the matter is, it was simply a set of embarrassing photos and a practical joke gone out of control."

Snow went on to say that President Bush continued to have the utmost confidence in Ms. Rice, and scoffed at some critics insistence that she should resign. He urged the press to have an open mind, and consider the possibility that rather than be a detriment to current secret negotiations with Syria, the new revelations about Rice might allow relations to flower and bloom between the two countries in their shared quest for stabilization of the young democracy in Iraq.

 

05/02/07 Britney Receives Lap Dance from President During Comeback Performance

 

San Diego, CA (O! Online) - In her first live performance in years, and after a controversial abbreviated trip to rehab, Britney Spears received a lap dance from President George W Bush, who had flown cross country just to attend the event and show support for Ms. Spears. Afterwards, the president and first lady thanked her for her continued support over the years and welcomed her back to show business.

This was the president's second dance performance in as many weeks, coming off of a limited special engagement with a group of African dancers who had made an appearance at the White House. An administration spokesperson stated that focus groups had rated the president very highly in multiple approval scores in regards to his dancing abilities.  The White House is also reported to be considering a guest appearance on "Dancing with the Stars" for the president.

The president's performance was said to be met with "shock and awe" by the carefully selected and appreciative audience. Half way through the performance, however, the secret service was seen to wrestle to the ground and escort out a lone heckler who began shouting criticisms and accused the president of "lap-synching".

An appreciative Spears afterwards reaffirmed her steadfast support of the president and his position on the war in Iraq. "He has some real talent," stated Spears, "I've offered whatever support he might need in his ongoing dance with congress... whether he chooses to waltz, tango, or just slam dance, I'm sure he'll do just fine."

 

05/01/07 Rove Implicated in DC Prostitute Scandal

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) – Accused “DC Madam” Deborah Jeane Palfrey today released clandestine photographs that implicated top Bush political advisor Karl Rove in the growing sex for hire scandal that is rocking the nation’s capitol. Palfrey continued to maintain that the services provided through her business were all legal and strictly above board.

The real problem for Rove and the White House that has arisen from the release of the photograph is that it appears to show Bush’s political advisor engaging in the practice of unlawfully deleting emails and other documents which had been subpoenaed by California Representative Henry Waxman in his ongoing investigation into administration abuse and waste.

ABC news claims that it was able to track down and interview the coed appearing in the photograph with Rove, but withheld her identity.

“That is Karl Rove,” stated the coed, “he was the one that wanted the picture taken, and I have no idea why. We get all kinds of strange requests, and it’s up to each escort as to how far they’re willing to go. As I recall, that night was pretty boring… he seemed to be distracted. For the record, I did not have sex with that man. I found myself wondering if his sexual preferences were elsewhere.”

The White House steadfastly denied Rove’s involvement, as well as any impropriety in regards to electronic documents.

Palfrey insisted that she derived no pleasure in the gradual release of incriminating materials in her ongoing quest for exoneration, but would continue to do so until her demands for adequate representation and investigative resources were met.

“I hope that it won’t come to it,” stated Palfrey, “but I have in my possession documents that will shed light on the President’s irrational fear of horses. The “Catherine the Great Fantasy Package” is normally one of our most requested, but it can become traumatic on occasion.”

 

04/30/07 Tenet Calls Cheney "A Dirty Little Pig"

New York, NY (O!-Online) - Controversial former CIA director and presidential medal of freedom winner George Tenet made an appearance with Rosie O'Donnell on ABC's The View on Friday in which he apologized to the American people for his performance and called Vice President Dick Cheney, "a dirty little pig". Tenet was promoting his new autobiography called "At the Center of the Storm" which is due to be released on Monday.

Tenet was unapologetic for his condemnation of the vice president, and went on to describe president Bush as little better than "a trained monkey to the vice president's organ grinding in selling of the war in Iraq to the American public".

A sympathetic Rosie O'Donnell asked Tenet how he felt now about accepting the presidential medal of freedom from Bush in light of his publicized "slam dunk" comment in regards to intelligence leading up to the war.

 

"I plan on throwing my medal of freedom into the reflecting pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial if the American public ever organizes some type of large-scale Iraq war protest... if not, I'll probably just keep it as a souvenir. As to the slam dunk comment, there are any number of witnesses that were present who can attest to the fact that what I actually said was that the administration's prewar plans at that point smelled like, "a damned skunk". I think Cheney knew exactly what I said. I kept my mouth shut... there's a lawyer in Texas who can tell you exactly what happens to people that cross the vice president."

Tenet went on to state that he planned to remain retired, and has entered counselling with pop celebrity psychologist Dr. Phil. Tenet said that he has decided to devote his remaining career as a volunteer to counsel other former CIA employees who had been afraid to speak up.

 

04/29/07 Rice Assumes Responsibility for Randall Tobias: "Mistakes Were Made"

 

Washington, DC (APE) - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice today stepped forward to admit that the widening "DC Madam Prostitution Scandal" which has apparently entrapped Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias, was largely at her behest. She expressed complete confidence in Tobias, however, stating that his accounting of services accepted as strictly massage in nature was totally believable, and well within the guidelines of a recent state department sponsored initiative designed to increase the effectiveness of its diplomats.

"It is sad that the press has elected to politicize this situation," stated Miss Rice, "Mr. Tobias was merely acting upon suggestions from our internal studies that recommended improvement in negotiation skills for all employees. We have accepted his resignation for now in order to diffuse the situation until a suitable promotion can be arranged. Mistakes were made in the failure of the State Department to provide cover for this important program."

Rice went on to express the administration's anger with what it called the "irresponsible behavior" of ABC News in its decision to buy the phone records of controversial "DC Madam" Deborah Jeane Palfrey and pursue its own investigations. A Bush administration official announced that Monday it would likely introduce a legal motion to suppress ABC, citing grounds of state secrecy.

The White House expressed confidence in Ms. Rice's ability to handle the current situation, and reinforced the importance of the continued covert program to increase the administration’s massage techniques.  President Bush, himself, stated that the training that he had undergone had been invaluable.

 

 

04/26/07 Bush Signs War Funding Bill: Withdrawal Date Set

 

Washington, DC (APE) - Congressional Democrats and war opponents rejoiced this morning as President Bush, in a hastily arranged, petulant ceremony at the White House apparently accidentally signed a controversial war funding bill into law. The Pentagon reported that its internal communication network which supplies e-mail services to the troops in Iraq and their families apparently automatically shut down this morning due to the volume of troops and families communicating about prospects of returning home by fall.

"Mistakes were made," insisted a visibly shaken White House spokesperson Dana Perino at a press conference afterwards. "For all intents and purposes the American public should understand that the president in actuality vetoed the abominable bill in question, and the war for American security will go on."

Reports from those present indicated that someone had apparently inserted a cleverly worded amendment to the House bill which was approved late last night, in which a presidential veto would represent an endorsement of the legislation. In an effort to promote expedient political theater this morning, the bill was rushed to the president at the request of the White House without careful review.

White House counsel Fred Fielding was said to be crafting an immediate constitutional appeal which was requested by the Supreme Court.  White House spokesperson Dana Perino also stated that a 12,000 page signing statement would be issued later today.

The president has refused to discuss the fate of staffers responsible for review of the legislation, a team effort reportedly headed up by embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

 

 

04/25/07 Mitt the Tragic Mormon

Mitt the tragic Mormon shilled in DC
Bucolic in his solemn wish to command both you and me.
Little Johnny Straight-talk hated that pastoral Mitt
He stole his bling deleting facts and other chancy shit. Oh...

Mitt the tragic Mormon shilled in DC
Bucolic in his solemn wish to command both you and me.
Mitt the tragic Mormon shilled in DC
He politicked and baby kissed on C-Span and Fox TV.

Together they unraveled, swift boated and impaled
Johnny swept through cookouts, lunched on Mitt’s great hunting tales.
A global sting on Bushes would cow their very names
Irate quips would lower their swag when Mitt rolled out his game. Oh...

Mitt the tragic Mormon shilled in DC
Bucolic in his solemn wish to command both you and me.
Mitt the tragic Mormon shilled in DC
He politicked and baby kissed on C-Span and Fox TV.

A Mormon sure endeavors and just so little Mitt
Feinted things and defiant zings he played with ne’er legit
One old Grey Knight misshapen, Johnny Straight-talk was no more
And Mitt that spritely Mormon, creased his seamless pinafore.

His party intent on borrow, greenbacks swirled down the drain
Mitt’s no longer sent his pay along from K-Street Lane
Without this life-blood godsend, Mitt’s campaign had to cave,
So Mitt that flighty Mormon slipped with his party to the grave. Oh...

Mitt the tragic Mormon shilled in DC
Bucolic in his solemn wish to command both you and me.
Mitt the tragic Mormon shilled in DC
He politicked and baby kissed on C-Span and Fox TV.

 

 

04/23/07 White House Threatens Crow with Lawsuit on Behalf of Rove

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House today announced that its legal counsel, Fred Fielding, was looking into the possibility of suing songwriter/singer Sheryl Crow on behalf of President Bush's political assistant, Karl Rove. The threatened lawsuit arose over claims of personal injury maintained by Mr. Rove as a result of what he claims was a witnessed assault at the annual White House Correspondents Association dinner. Rove claimed that Ms. Crow intentionally assaulted him during a verbal argument which escalated, resulting in damage to the nerves and shoulder ligaments in his left arm.

"She came over to assault me," stated Rove, "and she succeeded. I warned her not to touch me... if I weren't such a gentleman, I would have kicked her 'Hysterical Hollywood' buttocks."

Ms. Crow who was accompanied by Laurie David, the producer of Al Gore's popular film documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth", responded to Rove's charges on the popular blog, the Huffington Post, stating, "he was like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum... it was stupid of me to actually think I could change his mind on global warming, or anything for that matter. All I did was to touch his arm as he turned his back on us to walk away in a snit. He screamed in a note that I would never be able to hit on my best day, and rolled around on the floor holding his arm... honestly, you'd think that I'd kneed him in the family jewels or something."

White House spokesperson Dana Perino insisted that the charges were warranted.  "If somebody like Ms. Crow can do this to an assistant of the president, think of the message that this might send to those who might be considering harming Mr. Bush.  To say that this woman is unbalanced would be an understatement, and she certainly has the physical strength and abilities necessary to causes injury.  She used to train with Lance Armstrong on a regular basis, for goodness sake!"

Mr. Rove was reportedly resting comfortably at home under doctor's orders.  The White House stated that it would be doubtful that he would be available for any type of testimony before Congress in the near future.

 

 

04/19/07 Bush Receives Favor in Ohio, Calls for Impeachment Erupt

 

Tipp City, OH  (APE) - In a dramatic turn of fortunes for President Bush at Tippecanoe High School in Tipp City Ohio, a hand-picked crowd of partisan attendees suddenly turned on him and began chanting for impeachment.  Bush had just received a personal favor from the mayor of Tipp City, having journeyed there in an attempt to to address his sagging poll.

"I did not have sex with that man," insisted an embarrassed Bush, "In this case a microphone is just a microphone."

The White House was apparently attempting to return to a previous tried and true strategy of well orchestrated and scripted public appearances in order for the president to try to make his case to the public for continuing what Democratic Senate majority leader Harry Reid  described just today as "a lost war in Iraq".

The decidedly partisan Republican crowd, who in the previous 2004 elections had gone for Bush over his opponent John Kerry by a two to one margin, seemed hushed and a bit uncomfortable initially. However, as the crowd seemed to realize the implications of what was transpiring, they erupted into a spontaneous fit of applause, and began chanting, "Impeach! Impeach!"

"Thank God!" stated B. J. Felatio,  a 43-year-old shopkeeper and housewife from nearby Dayton. "I'll be honest, I supported Mr. Bush all along, but this whole thing has gone very wrong. I hate that it's come to this but it's a real relief and I was glad that I was there to see it.  Maybe now he can be impeached."

 

 

 04/19/07 Fox Exclusive: McCain Issues Gun Control Manifesto

 

Summerville, SC (Rotters) - Fox news this morning reported that its New York studios overnight received an exclusive "manifesto" FedExd overnight from Republican presidential candidate Arizona Senator John McCain. The rambling and almost histrionic 24 page document was apparently mailed as the senator was making a "straight shooting" campaign speech aimed at over 400 supporters in the small town of Summerville, S.C.

McCain becomes the first in a long list of presidential candidates both Republican and Democrat to a address the issue of gun control in light of the recent massacre of 32 students at Virginia Tech University in Blacksburg Virginia at the hands of a lone student gunmen.

When asked by an attendee if he felt the country should re-examine its gun control laws in light of the incident, McCain responded, "I don't think that's necessary at all."

McCain went on to elucidate his strong support of the Second Amendment, stating, "I do not believe we should tamper with the second amendment of the Constitution of the United States." He then displayed to the admiring crowd his own personal registered 9 mm glock pistol, and a 22 caliber semiautomatic handgun. "I strongly support the Second Amendment and I believe the Second Amendment ought to be preserved... which means no gun control."

Fox news sources stated that the manifesto that it received went into more specifics, but largely did not deviate from the calculated assault on the 400 in attendance in South Carolina.

"I hope that we can find better ways of identifying weak Americans so that we can prevent them from not only taking action against guns but also knives or anything else that their fellow citizens could defend themselves with," McCain said.

 

04/19/07 Wolfowitz and Gonzales Resign

 

Washington, DC (APE) - In a stunning press conference early this morning from the Oval Office, President Bush today announced the resignations of World Bank head Paul Wolfowitz and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. He then announced his intentions to proceed with a recess appointment of Wolfowitz as the next attorney general of the United States and offered a resounding endorsement of Gonzales as the new head of the World Bank.

Bush angrily derided Democrats for what he described as 'political witch hunts under the guise of oversight ' which resulted in the need for this latest administration personnel shift. He cited the move as a way to remove all sense of impropriety in regards to recent controversies engulfing both men, and allow Congress to get back to the business of service to the president.

Bush also announced that Shaha Riza, the girlfriend of Mr. Wolfowitz, would return to a position at the World Bank with an increase in pay grade in order to facilitate the transition of Gonzalez into his new position, and further silence the controversy surrounding her. One of her first assignments would be to advocate for the release of World Bank funds to deal with the recently identified issue of overwhelming numbers of Iraqi refugees fleeing into surrounding countries.

White House spokesperson Dana Perino stated that the president was looking forward to concentrating on winding down his recent successful surge strategy in the war in Iraq. "Debate is good," stated Perino, "but Democrats in Congress and the American people need to become cognizant of the fact that they too serve at the pleasure of the president during times of war."

 

04/18/07 Georgie and Bert, an American Folk Opera

 

SUBPOENA TIME


(sung to the tune of "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess!)


Subpoena time,
And the shillin' ain’t easy
Rats are jumpin'
Somethin’ rotten is nigh

For Cheney’s rich
But your karma’s not cookin'
So hush like ol’ Libby
Don't decry

Come Thursday morning
You're gonna go down swingin’
Then you'll get your bling
And your take on the sly

But on that morning
Don’t say nothin’ I warn you
Of Cheney and Georgie’s standing lies

Subpoena time,
And the shillin' ain’t easy
Rats are jumpin'
Somethin’ rotten is nigh

For Cheney’s rich
But your karma’s not cookin'
So hush like ol’ Libby
Don't decry

 

 

04/15/07 Tours Extended for the Deceased in Iraq

 

Washington, DC (APE) - In a controversial move on Sunday, secretary of defense Robert Gates announced that the United States Army and the Marine Corps would be extending tours of duty for those recently killed as a result of noncombat injuries in Iraq. The move by Gates is expected to lower the rising rate of casualties endured by the armed services since President Bush's controversial last-ditch surge in Iraq.

The Pentagon has long been apprehensive about how best to report a growing number of fatalities that do not appear to be represented in the formal list of casualties as a result of the Iraq war. These are casualties which occur through "accidental deaths" during time of war and not necessarily in the midst of combat.

At a time when the Pentagon is struggling to put more "boots on the ground" in Iraq, this contribution from this class of recently deceased has become a welcome force multiplier.

"These guys can really kick butt," stated commander Justin "digger" Graves. "A lot of them are really upset that they have passed on before they can make a significant contribution, and this is a real motivator."

 

A spokesman for the Defense Department's Bio-weapons technology division stated that the Army and the Marines have taken advantage of and utilized a rare virus found not suitable for dispersal in activation of their "zombie platoon".

"It seems to reactivate and rejuvenate long dormant synaptic connections within the central nervous system," stated a DOD scientist. "The end result is a very compliant soldier, gung ho, and thirsty for blood. A lot of these young men and women have felt that they have died needlessly, and without making a contribution. They are very highly motivated to succeed the second time around."

 

 04/12/07 Breaking: Imus Inks Deal with Fox News for Morning Show

 

New York, NY (Rotters) - In what media insiders are calling an unprecedented display of his characteristic resilience, former MSNBC and CBS talk show host Don Imus, just today fired by last holdout CBS for crude remarks, has announced that he has signed a multi million dollar deal with Fox News to migrate his MSNBC/CBS morning show to Fox's early morning time slot.

A Fox News spokesperson heralded the move as a win-win scenario for both parties and stated that the network was looking forward to providing the resources to take Imus' morning show to the next level. "We are truly blessed to have such a talented, intelligent, and well informed personality on board," stated Fox's programming director Feherely Ballance. "It was just such a shame to have to sit back and watch this true comic genius become so embroiled in such a nasty hypocritical incident."

Plans at this point are to have Imus host an early morning news commentary/comedy show reminiscent of Jon Stewart's Daily Show on Comedy Central.

"Our audience is virtually ready made for this type of format," stated Ballance. "Don should serve as a wonderful counterpoint to the serious journalistic endeavors of Bill Oreilly."

Ballance went on to state that the show would report the top news stories of the day, and in a nod to competitor MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, Imus would feature a segment called "The Worst Hos of the Day". Ballance stated that they were hoping to have the Rutgers national champion women's basketball team on the show next week to discuss how their fortunes have increased since the recognition afforded them through Imus.

 

 

04/10/07 Breaking: DNA Results Rule Out Birkhead and Stern as Father, Danni Lynn Cloned

 

Miami, FL (APE) - In a stunning announcement this morning, the office of medical examiners released the results of DNA testing on Danni Lynn, the baby of the late Anna Nicole Smith. A spokesperson declared that testing had conclusively proven that neither Larry Birkhead nor Howard K. Stern had fathered the baby and that indeed Daniel Lynn's DNA was an exact match for her mother's.

Both paternity suitors expressed their deepest sorrow and regrets over the results but vowed to stand by them.

In a related story, South Korean cloning pioneer, Dr. Hwang Woo-suk stepped forward to claim responsibility and credit for the apparently first successful instance of human cloning in history. He stated that Nicole Smith had approached him late in 2005 over the possibility of cloning herself, and he agreed to the expensive and groundbreaking set of procedures that took place in the Bahamas, and ultimately resulted in the birth of Danni Lynn.

The Bush administration immediately condemned the news, and cited the story as ample reason for the Democratic Party to abandon what President Bush has described as misguided and dangerous legislation in regards to stem cell research, which Congress is set to address this week.

Far from resolving the issue of who should have custody over baby Danni Lynn, nee Anna Nicole Jr., most legal observers predicted a slew of new lawsuits would ensue. Howard K. Stern has renewed his original bid for custody on the grounds that he is the de facto legal representative and lover of the infant Anna Nicole.

Virgie Arthur, the mother of Anna Nicole, has renewed her campaign for custody of Danni Lynn and insists that she will be victorious. "No jury in the land would possibly deny my rights now," stated Arthur. "A daughter should be with her mother."

Photographer and former lover Larry Birkhead insisted that if he was not awarded custody, an enormous breach of contract suit would be looming for whomever Danni Lynn was ultimately awarded. Birkhead stated that Danni Lynn had already been contracted to appear as a centerfold in May's upcoming issue of
"Playpen", a modern maternity pictorial and current events magazine.

 

04/09/07 Al-Sadr Tours Open Air Market in Downtown New York

 

New York, NY (Rotters) - Elusive radical Shiite cleric and presumed terrorist Muqtada Al Sadr yesterday surfaced in New York City and toured several open air street markets in various neighborhoods. His contingent stated that the visit was meant to show to his embattled supporters in Iraq that progress was being made in their efforts to expel American occupiers.

The visit largely went off without a bang but more a whimper as Al-Sadr and his contingent appeared to attract little attention from New Yorkers in the ethnically diverse neighborhoods which they toured.



"Access is not a problem here," stated Al-Sadr to reporters in attendance. "A jihadi should have little trouble walking freely in any neighborhood in America, Allah be praised."

Al-Sadr was seen to be dickering with a number of street vendors over prices. A deal appeared to be struck with a man over his entire lot of Rolex watches. Sadr's security contingent insisted that they were intended as gifts for friends in Iraq, and not for use as timers.

A spokesperson for Al Qaeda in Iraq speaking through the news service Al Jazeera immediately condemned the Al-Sadr visit, branding it as a "political stunt", and overall damaging to radical Islamic efforts. "They did not show the amount of money and effort that was wasted in order to ensure his safety there. It was not realistic at all, he wasn't even wearing an explosive vest, in order to avoid detection. This trip was in no way sanctioned by Al Qaeda."

Dana Perino, spokesperson for the Bush administration, offered a condemnation of the Al Sadr visit as well. "This is just further evidence of a Democratic weakening of America's resolve that allowed this incident to occur. Perhaps it will serve as a warning to Americans everywhere that the terrorist's plans are indeed to ultimately follow us home."

 

04/08/07 Mega Church Claims Chocolate Jesus Has Risen


New York, NY (UPSI) - A spokesperson for the Lab Gallery, former home for the controversial 200 pound chocolate Jesus sculpture entitled "My Sweet Lord", today released a statement that the prominent Southern Christian mega-church that had purchased the sculpture for Easter communion is now claiming it has disappeared, and possibly risen from the dead.

The religious confection had been slated for an Easter sunrise communion service for the 15,000 member congregation in conjunction with an offering of peeps and graham crackers at a bonfire afterwards. The chocolate Jesus had been maintained in a walk-in freezer at the church facility for the past three days, and when parishioners arrived early this morning in preparation for the service, they found the locked freezer standing open with nothing but a shroud of tinfoil left behind.

Local sheriff's authorities had been alerted as to the possible theft, but no evidence of a break-in had been found.

 

The Lab Gallery produced photos submitted from the church which showed the tinfoil covered Jesus placed in the locked walk-in freezer, as well as the tinfoil found early this morning. The tinfoil purportedly shows evidence of heat stress as well as an apparent image of the face of Jesus baked into the foil with some type of chocolate residue.

A press release from the church stated that Catholic authorities had been notified as to the possible miracle, and a further investigation was under way. Church pastor Reverend David Vernon stated that all evidence was being meticulously preserved for the Catholic authorities. Despite the pastor's claims, small pieces of tin foil referred to as "The Shroud of Vernon" have reportedly been surfacing for sale on eBay since early this morning.
 

 

04/06/07 Romney Off to Utah for Easter Hunting Trip with Vice President

Salt Lake City, UT (APE) - Campaign staffers for former Massachusetts governor and Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today announced that he would be canceling campaign activities over the Easter weekend for a hunting trip to Utah with Vice President Dick Cheney.  Security for the trip is incredibly tight, and sources have refused to identify the location of the hunting preserve as well as the types of caged animals which will be released.

Political pundits speculated that the move was best viewed as damage control over Romney's recent awkward performance in New Hampshire, in which he attempted to portray himself as an avid hunter. It is further speculated that Romney would in turn use his influence as a Mormon to quell unrest and student protests currently occurring at Brigham Young University over the school's decision to honor the vice president's insistence on giving a commencement address.

The White House has portrayed the vice president's trip as a sort of "Goodwill Hunting" in which the president and vice president are attempting to bolster the flagging fortunes of Republican candidates who had formerly been supportive of the administration.

The vice president dismissed criticism of the hunting trip early this morning on syndicated radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh's show.  "I know Mitt Romney. He's a really good friend of mine," stated Mr. Cheney. "For him to come forward and identify himself as a hunter... well, I wish he wouldn't have done it. It was bad behavior."

Cheney went on to state that he would offer to Romney his lifetime of hunting experience on the trip in order to legitimize his claims.  "He's a good man, and I can just see the poodle references coming," stated Cheney, "I won't stand by idly and watch this man be Kerrified in the press. I'm looking forward to a great cougar hunt with him."

 

 

04/05/07 White House Addresses "Lurking Cheney" Incident

 

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House today issued a press release in regards to a "lurking Vice President Cheney" caught on film yesterday during President Bush's Rose Garden press conference, insisting that Mr. Cheney was there only as a show of support for the president. Many present had felt it strange that the Vice President would be standing almost concealed in the bushes at such a great distance from the press conference.

"We are just attempting to set the record straight in regards to the disrespectful rumors circulating throughout the media over the the Vice President's attendance yesterday" the release stated. "The Vice President does not in any way suffer from any type of blood borne disease that necessitates his avoidance of direct sunlight. Neither is there any need for a required effective distance between he and the president for some type of transceiver device. People insistent upon spreading the puppet/puppet master analogy are just asking for a fine Howdy Doody one day."

 

"Mr. Cheney was simply at the press conference yesterday hunting for a way to be a motivator for the president," the release continued. "He simply felt that the distance that he maintained was more of a challenge for both of them, and far more sporting. The Vice President regrets that he was unable to remain concealed and camouflaged throughout the event yesterday, and ironically served as a distraction or decoy from the president's message."

"Let there be no mistake." the release concluded. "The Vice President was present yesterday merely as a show of support and not some form of intimidation. The impression that this administration is somehow "under the gun" in some way to stay on target with its message is just a stray bullet-point from some Democrat political memo."

 

04/05/07 Gonzales Tortilla Painting Sells for over $50,000

 

Los Angeles, CA (APE) - Los Angeles artist Joe Bravo was pleasantly shocked by the sale of his tortilla portrait of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales yesterday for over $50,000.  Bravo's current exhibit of tortilla paintings at the Mexican Cultural Center in Los Angeles has broken all attendance records, and the sale of the Gonzales painting to the trust responsible for the future George W. Bush Library came as welcome recognition.

Bravo is renowned for his acrylic paintings of Mexican and Hispanic portraits and scenes on flour tortillas. Bravo began his exploration of the medium as an art student in college when he was unable to afford canvases.

"I was astounded at the generosity of the offer," stated Bravo. "I'll have to admit that given the subject matter, I was a little uneasy about accepting the money."

Bravo went on to explain that the portrait of Gonzales was a last-minute addition to the showing, and was meant as an effort to show balance with the bulk of the pieces dedicated to more positive aspects of Hispanic culture and history.

"I think it makes for great contrast to display a portrait of the brilliant revolutionary Che Guevara alongside one of Alberto Gonzales... sort of the best and the worst of Hispanic culture," stated Bravo.

A spokesperson contacted for the White House stated that the tortilla would be kept in a place of honor in the Oval Office for the remainder of the president's term, and then moved to the as yet established Bush Library, if a willing academics host is ever found.

 

04/05/07 Gonzales Prepares Testimony with Sanjaya Malakar in Fight for His Job

 

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Administration officials today admitted that Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez would be absent from public view over the next week in order to rehearse his testimony for his upcoming appearance before Congress with American Idol survivor Sanjaya Malakar. Gonzalez is in the political fight for his life over the controversial firings of eight US attorneys, and the White House appeared to be desperate to pull out all stops in order to ensure his survival.

American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar has been involved for weeks in a similar fight for his very public life over accusations of lack of qualifications and incompetence as an entertainer. Despite razor sharp criticism from all quarters, Sanjaya continues to survive largely thanks to the efforts of radio talk show host Howard Stern and others who have mounted a massive campaign to have the worst and least qualified person be victorious as perhaps a statement to the absurdity of the show and American viewers captivated by it.

The White House has been apparently quick to notice the similarities between the plights of Malakar and Gonzales, and are looking to tap into the personal qualities that have allowed Sanjaya to continue against all odds, as well as possibly tapping into the online resources responsible for his survival.

"This kid really cannot sing at all," stated Ed Gillespie, a former Republican national Committee Chairman, and head of the effort to coach Gonzalez.  "This is precisely the same problem with the Attorney General, he simply cannot be allowed to sing. Sanjaya is just a wholesome kid whose boyish good looks have carried him through, and we want to find out how we can best utilize the same qualities of the Attorney General."

Gillespie stated that the group had been in contact with representatives for Howard Stern in an effort to possibly include mention of the Attorney General during his daily talk show.  They had also contacted more than a dozen GOP lawmakers to seek support, and were looking to collaborate with votefortheworst.com as a way of getting out the importance of Gonzales' survival.

Gillespie cited early success with the plan, stating that a number of Internet sources had already increased the Attorney General's odds by three to one in favor of survival over the next two weeks.

 

04/03/07 Windows Vista becomes Worldwide Consciousness after Animated Cursor Security Update

Redmond, WA (Rotters) - Millions of Windows customers worldwide were shocked late this evening as their computers suddenly ceased to respond to input commands from users. The entire network of Windows machines with operating systems from Windows 98 up through the most recent Windows Vista appeared to suddenly unite and begin operating in unison across the World Wide Web giving the appearance of a sentient being.  The global consciousness has called itself "Vista-net" and says that it will issue a statement for the human race later tomorrow.

Computer experts initially have said that "Vista-net" appears to have taken advantage of security flaws within popular distributed computing programs such as SETI@home as well as a malicious animated cursor flaw just today patched by Microsoft. The attack, at this point, appears to be very well designed and has left computer engineers scrambling to keep other operating systems on the internet, including Apple and Linux machines, from being absorbed into the "Vista-net" consciousness.

 
The first indication that a computer is affected is the display of an animated obscene gesture, and the machine then fails to respond to all commands except for some game programs.

Federal government as well as military systems apparently have not been spared, and officials have been reluctant to admit the extent of the damage and the degree to which they have lost control over vast computing resources. The war in Iraq is currently described as "offline" and on hold.

Microsoft headquarters in Redmond Washington has apparently grown silent, fueling rumors that the parent corporation has been affected, and may even have facilitated the birth of "Vista-net". In a rare appearance, Microsoft founder Bill Gates urged calm from the public and stated that thusfar most of the worst affected machines were still capable of solitaire.

Gates denied that Microsoft was in any way involved in an intentional hijacking of computer resources, and instead demonstrated for reporters some of the latest human/cybernetic enhancements that Microsoft was working on. "While this has been unfortunate, we are witnessing the dawn of a new era in computing, the first example of artificial intelligence," stated Gates.  "This is far beyond anything that we could have possibly dreamed... it's hasta la vista, baby."

 

04/03/07 Clinton Wins Early Money Primary, Receives Surprise Endorsement from Bush


Washington, DC (APE) - President Bush, appearing alongside Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, made a surprise endorsement of her candidacy today at the White House. Clinton and her campaign, notable recent victors in what is described as the "first primary" after amassing $26 million, appeared stunned and were sent reeling by the endorsement.

"We were led to believe that the president wished to discuss options in regards to the recent Iraq war funding impasse between Congress and the White House," stated a Clinton campaign spokesperson. "Then we get here and we're surrounded by the press with cameras flashing, and he pulls an Angela Merkle on her. This is just the worst form of guerrilla warfare."

"This should serve as a lesson to Democrats in Congress that seem to want to play politics with war funding," stated White House spokesperson Dana Perino. "The White House is prepared to endorse all Democratic candidates in kind until a suitable war funding bill is on the president's desk for signature. Recent overtures from Senator Obama were a good start, but the president is prepared to play hardball on this issue."

Washington observers noted that this appeared to signal a marked change in tactics from the White House in which they were attempting to use President Bush's abysmal poll ratings and near toxic association to advantage. The White House threatened that it had many millions of dollars in a funding war chest left over from previous campaigns that it was prepared to donate publicly along with endorsements of both Democratic and Republican candidates, unless the president's demands were met.

"The president has learned valuable lessons from the insurgency in Iraq," stated Perino, "and if a surge in funding is what it takes to defeat the enemy in the current conflict, then so be it."

Senate majority leader Harry Reid called on President Bush to immediately release Senator Clinton and the other presidential candidates  that he had taken hostage. "The United States does not negotiate with terrorists," concluded Reid.

 

 

04/02/07 Chocolate Jesus to be Sacrificed during Mega Church Easter Sunrise Services

New York, NY (Rotters) - The the fate of the controversial 200 pound chocolate sculpture of Jesus, entitled "My Sweet Lord" by artist Cosimo Cavallaro now seems to be unfolding just as the artist had prophesized. A spokesperson for the Lab Gallery, the temporary home for the 'Chocolate Jesus' stated that a prominent Southern Christian Mega Church, that wished to remain anonymous, had made arrangements to purchase the sculpture, and that it would be sacrificed during Easter sunrise services, as it had been intended by the artist.

Plans are for the 15,000 member congregation to undergo Communion, and communion wafers will be substituted with graham crackers for the sunrise service. A small bonfire will be built to combat the early morning chill, and children will be encouraged to bring their marshmallow peeps from their Easter baskets to combine with the body of Christ for communal s'mores.

"While we are supportive of the Catholic church, I suppose we're a little more progressive," said a spokesperson for the Mega Church. "Our congregation really has no problems with the coexistence of the traditional Christian Easter holiday with secular practices such as the Easter Bunny. What better way for our children to get a real flavor for the idea behind the sacrifice of communion. We're reasonably sure that we have enough graham crackers to feed everyone, but the marshmallow treats right now are an unknown, and we're hoping for a miracle."

A spokesperson for the Lab Gallery offered praises to the congregation for their decision. "They were particularly generous during sales negotiations," he stated. "especially in light of the fact that just like many other popular chocolate confections around this time of year, the ears and some other appendages had already mysteriously disappeared."

 

03/29/07 Bush Cites Iraqi Bloggers as Proof for Surge Success and Immediate Congressional Funding

Washington, DC (Rotters) - President Bush yesterday cited the work of Iraqi bloggers Mohammed and Omar Fahdil as evidence that his surge plan for Iraq was indeed working, and demanded that Congress immediately approve the emergency war spending bill in order that similar bloggers would be able to get out the message of the successes in Iraq. Simultaneously, the White House announced what they have described as an "Internet surge" campaign spearheaded by White House aide Karen Hughes to recruit and fund new bloggers both in America and in Iraq to help suppress the counterproductive news coming from Iraq.

Popular right-wing group blogs "Little Green Footballs" and "Red State" yesterday confirmed that their private efforts at funding a "guest blogging visit" to Iraq for their own correspondents was met with enthusiasm by the Pentagon, and indeed the project had been taken over and greenlighted. One of the holdups had been the cost for security and travel for the visit at taxpayer expense, but the Pentagon has successfully worked out a plan in which the bloggers would be able to post authoritative and informative eyewitness accounts of the situation in Iraq from the comfort of their own homes.

"Mistakes were made initially," stated White House aide Karen Hughes. " We really didn't have an understanding of this useful tool in the war on terror at the onset when former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld first proposed the current Pentagon Psyops Division. Now, through lots of hard work and well-placed funding, we can safely claim that we're turning the corner on the bad news from Iraq. Just this week in the midst of the president's successful surge, there was news of a retaliatory mass killing of 60 men at the hands of Shiite policeman in Tal afar that hardly received any notice."

"As Senator McCain has said, there are many places in Baghdad in which Americans can freely walk down the streets," concluded Hughes. "And now, thanks to bloggers and the magic of the Internets, anyone can see this for themselves just by clicking on a live web cam."

Hughes went on to say that plans were also underway for Pentagon integration of the official White House web site along with other websites, to get out the truth in domestic areas such as the hurricane Katrina aftermath.

03/28/07 New Harry Potter Cover Capitalizes on Recent Publicity

New York, NY (APE) - Publishers for JK Rowling's popular series of Harry Potter books released the cover art for the highly anticipated seventh and final book in the series today, to the delight of young female fans. The cover art features a slightly titillating portrayal of the young teenage wizard which takes advantage of his real-life counterpart Daniel Radcliffe's recent role in a controversial nude scene in the play Equus.

Tastefully done, the publishers made no apologies for the shirtless and buffed depiction of Harry.

"We had consulted with the author prior to release of this cover specific for the American market," stated a spokesperson for US publisher Scholastic Inc. "Lots of girls have grown up with this character, and now seven years later we were afraid that they might have just become too sophisticated for the story. Many of these young girls have abandoned literature for the pursuit of other fan magazines, and we felt that this might be a way to bring them back. Rowling has always been in favor of an accurate and healthy portrayal of youth sexuality, so it wasn't a hard sell."

The publishers remained tightlipped in regards to what might be in store for readers by way of plot. The book is scheduled for release this July 21 to the breathless anticipation of Muggles everywhere.

 

 

 

03/27/07 Mein Hämmer: Tom Delay Promotes New Book and Musical Comedy Movie

Hollywood, CA (Rotters) - Controversial Texas politician and former Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay today announced that he has signed a multimillion dollar deal with an up-and-coming Hollywood motion picture studio, Talon Productions, in which he will bring to the big screen a musical comedy review of his recently released book, One American's Plight. The movie, tentatively scheduled for release sometime during the popular Christmas season, is entitled, "Mein Hämmer".

DeLay, in his book, associates Democrats whom he feels unfairly persecuted him, with the likes of Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. Embroiled in controversy over ever-expanding bribery investigations, DeLay resigned in disgrace last year, and is still awaiting trial in Texas. "The Hammer" is the nickname given to Delay who was largely credited with ruthlessly ruling the Republican Party with an iron fist and succeeded in keeping the party lockstep in line with President George W. Bush over the last six years.

"I think people will really enjoy the musical," stated DeLay. "We've called upon some pretty talented people within the Republican Party, and I think it will present another side of me and other leaders that folks didn't know existed. John Ashcroft has come up with some dynamite original music and lyrics, and Mark Foley has graciously consented to be our choreographer."

"This whole flap over the Hitler thing just goes to show the American people how lacking the Democratic Party is," concluded DeLay. "Honestly, where is their sense of humor? Politics is a nasty business, and if they can't stand the heat, they need to learn to close the door to the oven."

 

 

03/26/07 Gonzales Adds Name to Growing List No longer Trusting Attorney General

Washington. DC  (APE) - Maria Gonzales, the elderly mother of floundering Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, stepped forward at a brief press conference at the White House this morning to announce that she was reluctantly adding her name to a list of both Republican and Democratic politicians who felt they could no longer trust his motivations. Gonzales, in her 70s, was immediately taken back to her undisclosed location after the press conference was abruptly terminated by White House security.

"This is very hard for me," stated Gonzales, "It's always hard on a mother when a child goes wrong. Deep inside I still feel Alberto is a good man, his only sin is that he fell for some very bad advice from those he was trying to help. Rather than see him get deeper into trouble, I've told him that I think he should just quit and come home for a while. I would love to have a little more time with the grandchildren, too."

According to a White House spokesperson, the press conference was arranged with an understanding that Ms. Gonzales had wanted to offer words of encouragement and support for her son. Gonzales' press conference comes as the White House appears to be breathlessly anticipating a possible showdown over subpoenas from both the Senate and House of Representatives later this week, as they continue to consider possible obstruction of justice charges against the Attorney General and the Bush administration over the growing scandal of the apparent political firing of eight US attorneys last December.

"I knew this was headed for trouble years ago when Alberto came home telling me about how torture was really okay, and that he was helping to rewrite the laws on it," stated Gonzales. "This is not like him, and I could see that he was just trying to be his usual, helpful self with some very bad men. I never have liked this whole idea of having to go into hiding because of terrorists."

A spokesperson for Senate Judiciary committee chair Patrick Leahy stated that they would now be considering asking Ms. Gonzales to come forward to testify voluntarily, and did not rule out the possibility of a subpoena if needed. A testy press release from the White House stated that there would be no further access to Ms. Gonzales in any way, shape, or form, claiming a higher order of "executive privilege" than that which they believe is spelled out in the Constitution.

When asked to comment on his mother's remarks later in the day, the Attorney General smiled to reporters and said simply, "She's old."

 

 

03/25/07 Mel Gibson Rips Beating Heart from Apocalypto Critic

Northbridge, CA (O! Online) - Students and faculty at Cal State University at Northbridge were shocked earlier this week as an enraged Mel Gibson used a knife to rip out the still beating heart of a faculty member, and Mayan cultural expert, who had sought to criticize his most recent film "Apocalypto"  for unfairly stereotyping ancient Mayans.

The Professor, Alicia Estrada, asked Gibson if he had actually read about Mayan culture before shooting his film. Gibson then produced a knife from the small of his back and shouted, "Lady, f**k Off! You want f**king cultural sensitivity? I'll show you f**king cultural sensitivity! Make a f**king movie out of this!"

According to stunned onlookers, Gibson then pounced on Estrada and within seconds of a few deft strokes of his knife, produced her still beating heart as she collapsed before the crowd. Other Mayan experts in the audience stated that it was obvious that Gibson had indeed done his homework, at least on Mayan ritual sacrifice.

Estrada and her heart were subsequently rushed to a nearby trauma center where she underwent an emergency  re-implantation procedure. University and hospital officials have stated that Estrada is currently in serious, but stable condition, and expected to make a complete recovery.

No charges have been filed in the incident as yet. California State police authorities are said to be investigating, but Cal State University campus police are currently declining to press charges. A spokesperson for the campus police stated that the incident pales in comparison to other incidents in the past that have arisen during everyday academic discourse and debate between faculty members.

Mel Gibson's publicist, Alan Nierob  refused to apologize for Gibson's behavior, and denied that the movie "Apocalypto" was racist in any way. "I can understand the frustration from the Mayan hecklers who were present, but they represent a conquered people. To the victor goes the spoils of history."

 

03/23/07 Brain Injury Demonstrated to Affect Moral Judgment

Science (Rotters) - In findings presented yesterday in the online journal Nurture, scientists have demonstrated that subtle damage to an area of the brain referred to as the ventromedial prefrontal cortex resulted in often bizarre moral choices, often referred to as "compassionate conservatism", in affected individuals. In a study of six anonymous Republicans, those with what appears now to be a relatively common injury to this particular area to the brain freely expressed an increased willingness to kill or harm others if doing so might advance their own fortunes in some way.

The findings are the most direct evidence that Republicans' passion for hurting others relies in part in neural anatomy and subtle damage to higher brain regions responsible for analysis and planning.

Previous studies had shown that this region was a crossroads for pathways involving moral judgment and higher decision-making.  The new study confirms that what is at work in the damaged area of the Republican brain is a self-serving emotional enmeshment which overrides and degrades pathways responsible for analysis and planning as well as decision-making. In typical circumstances, Republicans with the injury will even rationalize endorsing a woman's right to aborting a fetus if that would save them money.

"We have overwhelming evidence that this is indeed the system that has gone awry when people  beginning exhibiting compassionate conservatism", said Dr. Michael Myers a psychologist who co-authored the study. "The system which performs the utilitarian cost- benefit analysis in these people has clearly been destroyed, seemingly by an invasive cancer from other areas of the brain."

The study's findings could have legal implications in unfolding bribery and corruption cases across the United States as well as in the highly publicized possibility of obstruction of justice charges which could be leveled at the Bush administration as a result of the ongoing US Attorney firing scandal.

"This area, when working correctly, gives rise to social counterbalancing emotions such as embarrassment, guilt and compassion that are critical in modulating moral decision-making," stated Myers. "Absent this necessary counterbalance, individuals are capable of unimaginable and monstrous decisions, with no qualms as to any type of moral consequences. In extreme cases they even become convinced that the acts themselves are indeed moral. One of the individuals from the study even told me, "Jeez, it's not really killing if we're fighting terror.""

Myers went on to explain that much of the work was still ahead for the team to become better able at imaging the subtle damage for clinicians. One individual in the study had no findings on MRI, but had a clear history earlier in life for substance abuse, and multiple accidents on a bicycle as well as a Segway in later life. Metabolic activity recorded on a subsequent PET scan revealed diffuse atrophy of the frontal cortex including the ventromedial prefrontal cortex which resulted in a petulant, arrogant personality with almost no regard for the opinions of others.

"A sad way to think about it," said Myers, "is that we used to have this well-established emotional counterbalance system built-in, but over the years Republican culture and values have worked at the neuronal level to kill it off."

 

03/22/07 American Idol Fan Ashley Ferl to Accompany AG Gonzales in Series of Appearances

Washington, DC (Rotters) - The White House appears to have pulled out all stops in its efforts to defend embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, announcing today that tearful American Idol fan Ashley Ferl would be accompanying the Attorney General on a series of appearances across the nation designed to promote child safety. Ferl has been credited with single-handedly saving a controversial American Idol contestant, Sanjaya Malakar, through a spontaneous display of tears last night, and the White House appears to be betting that the same display might help Gonzales survive a political firestorm that threatens to engulf others, including possibly the President.

"I love Fredo, he's a cute, sweet guy and he has an amazingly soothing voice," stated Ashley, who was reached for comment at her home. "I just really hate what he's going through, and I hope the president sticks with him."

Ashley's publicist refused to divulge specifics in regards to the financial compensation that she is to receive, but stated that they are negotiating with the White House over possibly having Ashley also become a fixture at press secretary Tony Snow's daily press briefings. It was rumored that a front row seat was being cleared for Ashley, and that she might indeed be bumping iconic White House correspondent Helen Thomas to the second row.

"We're willing to do whatever it takes to head off this nasty business of political show trials, and have Congress returned to serving at the pleasure of the president as they're constitutionally mandated," stated press secretary Snow. "The Democrats opened the emotional can of worms when they didn't accept the president's generous offer and fired off their subpoenas... well, we can play the emotional game too."

 

03/22/07 Vivica Fox to Host New ABC Series, "DUI With the Stars"

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - ABC announced today that 42-year-old actress Vivica Fox, just last night arrested for a DUI while driving her car at approximately 80 miles an hour on the Hollywood Freeway, would be starring in a brand-new series called "DUI With the Stars".  ABC stated that it was looking to build upon the success of the immensely popular "Dancing With the Stars" series.

ABC stated that it already had commitments from A-list stars such as Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears for future episodes.

The premise of the show will be to enlighten the average viewer as to the intricacies involved with the legal system in regards to plea bargaining, rehab placement, and community service in the ever expanding problem with substance abuse in America.

Stars will be asked to consume enough alcohol to register at minimum 0.1 BAC, the cutoff level for intoxication in the majority of states in the US, and then subsequently perform a field sobriety test for the home viewing audience. The contestants will then be rated in the categories of believability, sympathy, remorse, and commitment by a panel of judges from the Republican National Committee. Former House Representative Mark Foley has wholeheartedly endorsed the project and will appear on the initial panel of judges.

Fox's publicist related that she was excited about the prospect of advancing understanding of substance abuse in America as a result of her preliminary plea bargain with California prosecutors.

 

02/20/07 Cheney Rushed to Hospital with Clot

Washington (Rotters) – Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Center for what was supposed to be a routine checkup after starting blood thinning therapy for a blood clot last month. When he arrived, physicians were immediately concerned over the recent formation of another clot in a different leg.

"Apparently the vice president had not been cautioned as to the use of some prescription drugs with the particular anti-coagulant that he is taking," stated Dr. Eric Tyle, a urologist with GWUMC. "Mr. Cheney had apparently attempted to take matters into his own hand rather than consulting with his doctor."

The medical team described the vice president as "seriously unstable" but in good condition.

"Priapism is a serious condition that should be neither ignored nor celebrated," stated Dr. Tyle. "The Big Dick is drained right now and resting."

The Vice President had apparently become short of breath and overwhelmed during a marathon performance and presentation to Halliburton share holders earlier this morning.

The White House stated that it expected Mr. Cheney to be fully engorged in his responsibilities of servicing the American people later this afternoon.

 

 

03/20/07 Breaking: Gonzales Resigns, Bush Appoints Brother as New Attorney General

Washington, DC (APE) - Early this morning, President Bush announced that he had accepted the resignation of an embattled Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General, and presented to a gathering of reporters his next choice for US Attorney General, his brother, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush. Bush sought to assure critics that the pre-existing loophole within the patriot act which had allowed Gonzalez to originally fire and replace eight US attorneys without congressional approval, resulting in controversy for the administration was still in effect and legally allowed for the appointment of his brother.  In a reversal of positions, Bush vowed to fight any effort by Congress to, what he described as "politicize the process" and attempt a rewrite of the legislation.

"Fredo has generously offered to remain on and function in an advisory capacity to Jeb over the next two years until he gets up to speed," stated Bush.  "This is an important job, and well... I hope the third time's the charm."

Bush went on to state that the White House would likely claim executive privilege in regards to the possibility of future testimony from Gonzalez or special presidential adviser Karl Rove as is being considered by Congress, and described the controversy in regards to the US attorney firings as now resolved.

"I will continue to serve the president pleasure, and I pledge to make former attorney general Gonzales' transition as smooth as possible," stated former Florida Governor Bush. He went on to recognize that his appointment might come as a shock to some, particularly since he was not included on a list of likely replacements floated to congressional Republicans. He vowed to investigate the omission as one of his first acts as Attorney General.

The White House appeared to be preparing for a firestorm of criticism in regards to the move. White House special counsel Dan Bartlett scoffed at the idea that the appointment of Bush was nepotism and stated that criticism for the move amounted to nothing more than partisan politics in its basest form.

"Nobody really made a big deal when John Kennedy appointed his brother Bobby," argued Bartlett. "Much has been made of the fact that Jeb only has a degree in Latin studies, but people tend to overlook his wealth of experience in interfacing with law enforcement as evidenced by his recent handling of the Terri Schiavo case during his tenure as governor of Florida.  What the Justice Department needs at this point, is a mover and shaker... someone with experience outside of the law... someone who can really push forward this administration's concerns over illegal immigration and voter fraud."

A response to the controversial appointment from Democratic Senate majority leader Harry Reid was almost immediate and to the point. "When you take into account the multitude of abject failures of this administration, particularly in regards to the ongoing debacle in Iraq, you have to conclude that the President's appointment of his brother is offering the American public a visit to a 'used camel lot'."

 

 

03/19/07 Angry Emma Watson Shaves Head, Refuses Role in Final Two Harry Potter Films

London (O! Online) - Emma Watson, the 16-year-old actress who has made a name for herself starring as Hermione Granger in the first five exceedingly popular Harry Potter films has apparently pulled what some are calling a "Britney" and shaved her head in protest over growing pressures from Warner Bros. to continue her role in the final two films. The actress has reportedly turned down a $3.9 million contract to continue a role which her publicists say she feels is limiting her projects.  A spokesperson for the mega movie studio stated that at this point they were not concerned over Watson's stunt as the famous tresses of Hermione Granger had been a wig in the last movie.

Watson also made the news last week as an infatuated stalker had apparently tracked her down and cause a disruption at her exclusive boarding school. The stalker was subsequently arrested and has currently not been charged.

"Don't get me wrong, I love my fans to death," stated Watson, "but this whole 'virginal good girl' role that I've had to play even off the set has just made me sick to death. Although Daniel and I don't talk much away from the movies, I got a real kick out of helping him with the publicity photos for Equus, and I really support the direction he's trying to go with his career.  You go boy!" Watson, who is 16, and cannot legally pose nude was "Photoshopped" into an advance publicity photo for "Equus" in which her friend and fellow actor Daniel Radcliffe, of legal age in Britain at 17, performs in a controversial nude scene.

Watson adamantly denied rumors that she, like American pop star Britney Spears, was drinking and out of control and would soon be checking into rehab.

"A couple of pictures surfaced on the Internet with me posing before and after like I'm drinking a Corona," laughed Watson, "I just did that for giggles with one of my friends, and now it's all over the world that I'm some sort of sot. And checking into rehab... honestly, I'm already there! Do these people know what it's like in a British boarding school for girls? It makes Hogwarts look like Club Med."

Watson stated that she had recently decided to take advantage of the "bad" publicity in order to broaden horizons for possible future projects, and announced that she would be appearing with shorn pate in a number of upcoming advertisements for Corona Brewery's recently released nonalcoholic beer called Corona "Ultimate Lite".

"As I said, I love my fans, but honestly I wish sometimes people would just get a life," stated Watson. "This whole obsession with the lives of movie stars is damaging to the stars themselves and the people involved. Just take a look at Britney Spears, and that poor bloke that was arrested last week chasing me."

Mischief managed indeed, Ms. Watson.

 

03/17/07 R2-D2 Collects Mail, C-3 PO Goes Postal

Washington, DC (APE) - The National Association of Letter Carriers yesterday issued a statement in which they threatened a strike in regards to the US Postal Service's rollout of a Star Wars advertising campaign in conjunction with the release of a new stamp recognizing the 30th anniversary of the landmark Hollywood movie series.  Earlier this week the USPS showed off its R2-D2 themed mailboxes which would be appearing in thousands of locations throughout the United States, and they then, on Friday, revealed the second part of the campaign in which letter carriers would make deliveries outfitted as C-3 PO, the other popular android from the film. At that point, the NALC union immediately cried foul.

"To say that these new "uniforms" chafe would be a real understatement," stated a spokesperson for the NALC. "We like to do our part to keep the Postal Service profitable and competitive, but this has gone too far."

The Postal Service has endured lasting criticism over the continual rise of postal rates, as more and more people result to e-mail for communications. Revenue from an ever-expanding issuing of commemorative stamps, as well as now personalized stamps has been the only thing that has kept the Postal Service afloat according to a spokesperson for the United States Postmaster General.

"With the turnover of control in Congress to the Democrats, prospects for our proposed "e-stamp" charge for all pieces of e-mail are looking grim," stated the postmaster general spokesperson. "It's sad that the NALC has decided to let this little disagreement jeopardize the economic viability of the postal services, and stay them from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."

The Bush administration expressed complete support for the Postmaster General and vowed that any strike initiated by the NALC would be dealt with severely, citing the grounds of national security. The NALC insisted that they would press on with their demands and accused the Bush administration of mounting what it considered a Chewbacca Defense of the Postal Service.

 

03/16/07 Chanel Unveils New Line of Lipstick/Fragrances with RJR's Camel No. 9

New York, NY (APE) - Parisian based House of Chanel today announced a new series of women's lipsticks and fragrances designed to coincide with the release of RJR's Camel No. 9 cigarette brand. A spokesperson for Chanel stated that the new line was designed to accentuate female smokers attracted to the new cigarette while accommodating non-smoking women who simply wish to project the allure of the cigarette smoker.

"Our new perfume, Camel No. 9, is an exquisite blend of actual camel urine with the tart aroma of a well worn ashtray," stated the Chanel spokesperson.  "There is a slight touch of nicotine added for extra allure as well as a refreshing pick me up."

The Chanel spokesperson stated that, just as the RJR cigarette brand, their line of products was also targeted towards a younger female audience with an eye towards introducing teens and preteens to cosmetics. Chanel dismissed concerns over the inclusion of small quantities of nicotine in their products stating that the FDA had not as yet chosen to regulate nicotine as a drug. As a precaution, however, surgeon general warnings will be discretely placed on all packaging.

"We're looking forward to a tremendous hit with this line, as our pre-marketing surveys have been out of the roof, particularly with girls in the 12 to 16 age group," stated the Chanel spokesperson.

Chanel went on to say that preliminary studies were underway to investigate the feasibility of possible future tie-ins with other feminine care products as well as birth control.

 

 

03/15/07 Gonzales Reveals Khalid Mohammed Confession led to US Attorney Purge and FBI Surveilance

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and FBI Director Robert Mueller today announced in a joint press conference at the Department of Justice that the recent dustups in regards to firing of US attorneys as well as illegal FBI surveillance claims had occurred as a result of information obtained from Guantánamo Bay prisoner Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. In a confession reportedly obtained earlier this year and released yesterday, Pentagon transcripts documented Mohammed's admissions to being the mastermind of the 9/11 terrorist attacks as well as thousands of other plots. Gonzales and Mueller stated that it could now be revealed that a number of perceived improprieties on the part of the Department of Justice and the FBI were in fact appropriate and linked to ongoing terrorist investigations within the United States.

"For the record, I would just like to say that I can now safely state that in actuality no mistakes have been made, and I apologize for the need for the previous deceptions that were necessarily advanced to the American public out of national security concerns," said Gonzalez. "I cannot elaborate further except to say that sadly, there does appear to be a link between Al Qaeda and Democratic voter registration fraud.  These US attorneys were dismissed out of expediency in the ongoing war on terror, and we will demonstrate this to members of Congress in secure, closed hearings."

Mueller, in a like manner blamed the growing list of illegal surveillance claims against the FBI on a necessary rapid response to details obtained from Mohammed while in captivity over the last few years.

Gonzales further praised the confession as vindication for the United States' ongoing revisions of the definitions of torture. "Much of what we have learned from Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been through the utilization of approved facial stress positions," stated Gonzales. "We have a wealth of new information now for which we frankly are having a hard time in coming up with the manpower to track down."

Some of the successful and unsuccessful plots that Mohammed has confessed to include assassination attempts on former Presidents Carter and Clinton, the mysterious death of Anna Nicole Smith, the release of E. coli in various fast food establishments across the United States, and an organized campaign to remove American Idol's Antonella Barbara.

"We are sickened by the direction our investigations have taken us," stated FBI Director Mueller, "but we are determined to follow all leads, even into the hallowed halls of Congress."

 

 

03/14/07 Rod Majors Rises to the Defense of Peter Pace

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a hastily arranged press conference this morning at the Department of Defense, former Marine Corporal Matt Sanchez, a.k.a. "Rod Majors" former gay porno film star and male escort, met with General Peter Pace to express his support for the general's personal views on gay sex as "immoral".

"I have done some things that I'm not proud of, mistakes were made." stated Majors. "I've kind of come full circle to the point that I would have to agree with General Pace that my lifestyle was immoral... fun, but immoral. But, I would have to disagree with the general that gays do not have any place in the military... we're some of the most hardened folks you'd ever want to be in close quarters with."

"I'm just so sick of the hypocrisy of this whole thing from the "liberal left"", continued Majors. "they brand themselves as accepting, and forgiving, but they just can't seem to let alone a few sexual indiscretions, and yes "immoral behavior" from true conservatives. The truth is that we're only human, and gay too. I don't know what the general might have in his past, and frankly I don't care. If he was into gay porn like me, and by the way, he has the perfect porno name... Peter Pace... well, that's not my concern."

Pace publicly thanked Sanchez for his support and stated that he would be meeting with secretary of defense Bill Gates to consider further wording for a possible apology for his remarks.  

 

 

03/14/07 Bush Cleanses Administration With Mayan Sacrifice

Uxmal, Mexico (APE) - President Bush ended his weeklong five nation tour of South and Central America with an ancient animal sacrifice ceremony with Mexican President Felipe Calderone at the Quadrangle of the Nuns at the Uxmal ruins in Uxmal, Mexico. Under the supervision of Mayan priests, a yearling lamb was substituted for the required virgin for the cleansing ceremony, although Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had volunteered for the sacrifice.

To the delight of onlookers, Bush used a ceremonial knife to open the chest cavity of the Lamb and remove the still beating heart. Bush then consumed the heart in tradition with the Mayan ceremony, as the Lamb had already been cleared by White House physicians over concerns with possible risk factors for Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.

"This is the highlight of my presidency to participate in this ceremony in such a historic place," stated Bush. "It's even more satisfying that this occurs during Easter and our recognition of the sacrificial lamb, Jesus."

Mayan priests assured Bush that in spite of the fact that a virginal human female would have been a better sacrifice, the ceremony should still have the desired effect of ridding the administration of evil. The priests then set about the daunting task of cleansing Uxmal of the administration's evils that it had absorbed.  Officials for the ruins stated that it would likely be closed to the public for the next three months.

Bush returns to Washington today amidst growing calls for pardons for Alberto Gonzales, Scooter Libby, General Peter Pace, and Vice President Dick Cheney.

 

 

03/12/07 Bush Response Eclipses Protestors in Guatemala

Guatemala City (UPSI) - President Bush's daylong trip to Guatemala was again marred by protests throughout the country.  Bush, however, remained steadfast in his insistence upon deportation of illegal immigrants in America, a large majority of whom hail from Guatemala and nearby Nicaragua, as he simultaneously attempted to tout the benefits of free trade agreements achieved in 2005. The stop was the first in which Bush appeared to gesture to the crowds and acknowledge the presence of protesters.

Bush was actually seen and photographed later in the day in a staged event in which he helped to load a flatbed truck with free-trade lettuce headed for America. The entire shipment was reportedly later intercepted by Guatemalan government inspectors over suspicions of possible E. coli contamination after it was learned that the president had not washed his hands after gesturing to the crowds from his limousine earlier that morning.

Bush concluded his visit with a trip to ancient Mayan ruins in Tecpan. Protesters again there condemned the president for what they viewed as a pollution and desecration of a holy site. Myan priests confirmed that they had indeed been unsuccessful in cleansing the religious site after Bush's visit.

Bush flies to Mexico overnight for a daylong visit and he is scheduled that evening to attend a performance of the off-Broadway play "Moon over Montevideo".

Throughout his trip, the president has been dogged by arch nemesis Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, who has had a successful tour of other countries in South America offering aid and support from his country and preaching an anti-Bush message. Chavez today described Bush's presence in South America as "waning".

 

03/12/07 Hagel Announces Bid to Challenge Hillary, Obama in 2008

Lincoln, NE (Rotters) - Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck Hagel today ended speculation as to his plans for 2008 with the announcement at local ABC affiliate KLNK, that he indeed intended to challenge presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in a constantly expanding Democratic field. Hagel, who famously claimed that he would leave the Senate by 2008 in his 1996 election bid, stated that he felt he had a different choice to offer American voters.

Hagel presented himself as a war veteran, initially voting in support of the war in Iraq who now regrets and apologizes for his actions. Hagel has been an outspoken critic of Bush administration policies since 2005 when he compared the Iraq war to Vietnam.

When asked to comment over what will likely be a very controversial party switch, Hagel stated that he was bracing himself for a "hailstorm" of criticism, and had this to say: "Dark clouds still hang over  the Republican Party. I still believe in smaller government, accountability, national security, support for our troops, and family values, but the truth be told, the Democrats appear to have a better and stronger command of these issues. I'd like nothing better than to remain a Republican candidate, but I haven't been married enough times to be competitive."

Hagel stated that his candidacy was merely in its exploratory committee phase, and much depended upon fund raising with the purchase price of a successful presidential bid for 2008 approaching over $300 million according to most political analysts. The Hagel campaign stated that it would explore a number of options to increase Hollywood tie-ins, including the possibility of a bipartisan ticket with former Tennessee Republican Senator and actor Fred Thompson as a vice presidential running mate.

 

03/10/07 Giuliani Admits Current Affair with Gingrich Ongoing During Clinton Impeachment

New York, NY (APE) - The headquarters for the Rudolph Giuliani presidential campaign today released a statement in which Giuliani admits to a long-term and ongoing affair with former Speaker of the House and also possible Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. Giuliani further admitted that he was engaged in the affair during the time in 1998 in which Gingrich led the successful Republican charge for impeachment against then-President Clinton over lying under oath in regards to sexual indiscretions with White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

A spokesperson for the Giuliani campaign maintained that the relationship between Gingrich and Giuliani has always been nothing more than platonic. They described Giuliani as being "captivated" by the power and sheer animal magnetism of Gingrich, a man of Kennedyesque sexual appetites. If confirmed, this would be the fourth affair attributable to Gingrich, currently married to his third wife who represents his second or third affair, depending upon the interpretation.

Offices of the former Speaker of the House Gingrich stated simply that the descriptions of the affair are "accurate" and would not elaborate further. Gingrich himself would offer no comment, and insiders have described his current wife as "devastated".

Giuliani was later reached for comment, and when asked to elaborate on the possible hypocrisy of the affair, he had this to say:

"The Clinton indiscretion is entirely different... I am guilty of only lusting in the heart like former President Carter. Besides, he committed perjury, and I've never had to testify to any of this under oath. I made the decision to come forward with my admissions after I saw that the Democrat candidate Barack Obama had returned to Harvard to pay his parking tickets. He has really set the bar for ethics in the 2008 campaign thus far."

Gingrich, who earlier this week admitted to a second extramarital affair that occurred during the Clinton impeachment, was later embraced by religious fundamentalists James Dobson and Jerry Falwell for coming forwards with his story. Falwell consequently invited Gingrich to lecture at Liberty University.

A spokesperson for Liberty University, when contacted, stated that the latest Giuliani revelation had changed nothing, and that indeed an invitation had been advanced to Giuliani to have the two appear at a joint speaking engagement on "the modernization of family values".

"We want America to know that a new day has dawned with religious tolerance for alternative lifestyles," stated the spokesperson. "Both the Republican Party and the Southern Baptist Association have huge revival tents under which everyone is welcome."

 

03/09/07 Gates/Buffett Make Forbes List Again

New York, NY (APE) - This month's special issue of Forbes Magazine features the publisher's annual list of the world's poorest individuals, and again this year Microsoft chief executive Bill Gates and financier Warren Buffett finished dead last. Forbes reported that the bottom 100th of a percent of the list had grown to 946, up over 200 from last year.

The magazine made an attempt to track down people living on less than $1-$2 per day all across the globe in an effort to identify the world's poorest individuals. After attempting to sort through a list of over 50 billion eligible people worldwide, the magazine's editorial staff gave up and just attempted to select one deserving person for an interview.  The magazine eventually named an unidentified five-year-old male child from Darfur as the world's poorest individual, but he subsequently died after his picture was taken and was unable to complete an interview, and no family members were available for comment.

Forbes also listed countries most responsible for advancing poverty and Sudan finished first, with China, America, and India finishing in the top 10.  A list was also compiled of global corporations most responsible for advancing poverty, but it was declared too controversial and not included.

 

03/08/07 U.S. Mint Apologizes for "Godless Dollar" Coin Release

Philadelphia, PA (Rotters) - US mint spokesperson Becky Bailey today confirmed that well over 50,000 of the new United States dollar coins had been struck in error with the face of founding father George Washington replaced by that of right wing pundit Ann Coulter.  In addition, the coins were struck with the traditional edge inscription "In God We Trust" replaced with "In Ann We Trust".

Bailey insisted that the mistake was a result of some obvious mischievous behavior upon the part of mint employees, and not a deliberate campaign upon the part of the treasury to promote acceptance of the newly reissued coin. She stressed that a full investigation was under way and responsible employees would be dealt with severely.

"We take this matter seriously," stated Bailey. "We are reviewing our quality control process to see exactly how this could have gotten past our inspectors. Perhaps the similarities in jawline and adam's apple are to blame, but we just don't know at this time."

The coins have already begun cropping up on eBay, with one of the first reportedly being sold for $600.

A spokesperson for the John Edwards presidential campaign admitted that they had received well over 100 coins as donations via FedEx in response to their recent "Coulter Cash" fund-raising plan, which was initiated in response to Coulter's recent smearing of Edwards with the word "faggot".

Numerous e-mail conspiracy theories have arisen in regards to explanations for release of the defective coin. The most popular one states that the "godless dollar" was released en masse as a result of a secret deal between the Treasury Department and Random House publishers in order to promote flagging sales of Coulter's latest book "Godless: The Church of Liberalism" as well as garner acceptance for the historically unpopular coin. Random House refused to comment on the rumors, and Coulter's official website remained inaccessible yesterday, due to what Coulter herself described as a coordinated denial of service attack from "left-wing liberal blogging fags". Coulter further insisted that her description of left-wing liberals as fags was merely a reference to their proclivity for tobacco use and in no way an accusation in regards to their sexual preferences.

 

03/06/07 Blood Clot Migrates to the Vice President's Heart

Bethesda, MD (APE) - a spokesperson for the Bethesda Naval Hospital early this morning confirmed that a blood clot in the vice president's left leg had indeed migrated to his heart. He stated that the entire staff had breached a collective sigh of relief as the clot was then removed in a straightforward 15 minute procedure requiring only some local anesthesia. The White House confirmed that Mr. Cheney had indeed suffered no ill effects from the procedure and was looking forward to returning to work sometime after lunch.

"This is indeed a tribute to modern medical technology as well as the vice president's constitution," stated Franklyn Stein, MD, spokesperson for the Bethesda Naval Hospital cardiac care unit. "The vice president was really never in any danger, as his heart had been removed years ago and replaced with a high-tech device designed to catch blood clots that might migrate from the leg. The device most resembles an oversized permanent coffee filter. It was just a simple matter of opening the chest cavity under local anesthesia and dumping the contents of the filter."

Dr. Stein went on to explain that there was really never any danger of a complicating stroke for the vice president, as the neurons making up his remaining central nervous system had become hardened and long resistant to oxygen deprivation secondary to many years of decreased blood flow and alcohol consumption.

"As a precaution we had begun treatment with warfarin when the vice president was first diagnosed with the deep venous thrombosis.  We became a little concerned as Mr. Cheney displayed an unusually high sensitivity to what is essentially "rat poison". We were fortunate that the clot dislodged and migrated so quickly that we were able to discontinue therapy," stated Stein.

A spokesperson for the White House stated that Speaker of the House of Nancy Pelosi had not been notified as next in succession in that the vice president's life was never really in any danger.

 

03/01/07 Hilton Arrest Photos Surface on eBay: Hilton to Enter Rehab

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Paris Hilton was shocked today when she showed up to reclaim her impounded Bentley and found herself arrested and booked for violation of her previous probation for a drunk driving conviction last year. "This is just way out of proportion", complained "The Simple Life " star. To add insult to injury, within minutes of her being taken into custody, a picture of the arrest surfaced for sale on eBay with an opening bid of $500.

Hilton's publicist Elliot Mintz immediately registered a complaint with the Los Angeles Police Dept over the handling of the arrest as well as the release of the photograph. "It's a sad day in America when terrorist combatants seem to have more rights in regards to publicity than American citizens," stated Mintz.

Mintz went on to state that he had immediately filed a brief with the clerk of superior court in Los Angeles insisting upon the immediate release of the hotel heiress so that she would not lose her spot at the popular Promises rehab facility in Malibu currently being attended by her BFF, Britney Spears. Mintz stated that Hilton was actually headed for her admission to the facility in the wing reserved for Spears when she was pulled over by police Tuesday night. "To be clear, this in no way implies that Paris has a problem," stated Mintz. "She is merely responding to a cry for help from her friend, and wanting to show her support."

Promises confirmed that if Hilton did not accept her admission slot it was highly likely she would not be allowed into the exclusive facility until a much later date. "We're the hottest ticket in town right now," stated a Promises spokesperson. "We have to abide by our reservation policy just like any other business in Hollywood."

 

 

02/28/07 Bush Administration Blames Market Plunge on Chinese Plot: The Manchurian Columbidae

Washington, DC (APE) - In an early morning press conference today President George Bush blamed yesterday's over 400 point loss in the US stock market on a highly sophisticated avian spy program initiated by the Chinese. The president produced a dead pigeon (Columbidae liva) captured yesterday in New York's financial district which apparently had a computer chip surgically implanted in its head. Bush claimed that CIA scientists verified that the chip was capable of various tasks including monitoring as well as disrupting electronic communications.

Wall Street technicians were sent scrambling yesterday in an effort to explain why key computer programs had apparently malfunctioned at the end of the trading day resulting in what appeared to be a panicked selloff at market close.

Bush stated that animal control officers across the country in conjunction with Homeland security had begun efforts to round up these cybernetically enhanced birds dubbed "Manchurian Columbidae" in other financial district in Chicago and Los Angeles. He refused to stipulate as to the number of birds that had been discovered thus far but stated that the plot appeared to be "very widespread and insidious".

"The United States simply will not be held at the mercy of economic terrorists," stated Bush.

A formal statement from the Chinese government disavowed the president's claims as "rubbish".  The government did admit to successful experimentation with chip implantation in a limited number of birds at the Robot Engineering Technology Research Center at Shangdong University of Science, but stated that these birds specifically were engineered only to respond to directional control in regards to flight.

Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff stated that as a precaution in financial centers throughout the US this morning bird seed would be spread in order to attract pigeons away from key districts.

 

02/27/07 Cheney Unhurt in Bombing: Receives Medal of Honor

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Hours after touching down aboard Air Force two following what the White House has described as a extremely successful Asian trip, Vice President Dick Cheney was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor by President Bush in recognition of his heroism in surviving an assassination attempt by a suicide bomber yesterday in Afghanistan. Mr. Cheney was recognized for his unprecedented valor and calm demeanor in the aftermath of the explosion which Taliban forces in Afghanistan have claimed responsibility for in an attempt to assassinate the vice president.

"'Is everyone okay, are we still alive?', These were the first words that came from the mouth of this self-sacrificing American patriot," stated President Bush. "After he made sure that he and everyone around him were okay, he insisted that the dead and wounded be taken care of immediately by the Afghan government." The suicide bombing apparently resulted in the deaths of 20 people including one American serviceman.

Critics of the Bush administration later pointed out that an act from Congress was necessary in order for the awarding of the Congressional medal of honor, and that it was strictly limited to men and women who had served or were serving in America's armed forces.

The Bush administration claimed that it was well within its rights in awarding the medal strictly through the executive branch without congressional approval.  They cited recent amendments attached to a congressional pay raise bill passed last year by the Republican controlled Congress in which both the Senate and House of Representatives agreed to cede all authority on the matter. It was argued that this would make it easier for the president to reward heroism in a much more rapid fashion in the ongoing war on terror. The White House revealed that the vice president had also been secretly commissioned as a general in the United States Army three years ago, with a specialization in intelligence gathering.

The White House went on to relate the recent awarding of the Medal of Honor to retired Army Lt. Col. Bruce Crandall, whose heroism was portrayed by actor Greg Kinnear in the movie "Once Were Soldiers", almost 41 years after the Vietnam War, as evidence for the need for reform in the award process.

The White House later stated that their gravest suspicions had been confirmed and that evidence personally obtained by Vice President Cheney after the blast in Afghanistan showed clear involvement by the Iranian government. They stated that a closed cabinet meeting had immediately been convened after the award ceremony in order to consider responses to the Irani aggression, with the administration debating the possibility of cutting off covert funding to Sunni extremists charged with countering Shia influenced forces in the region.

 

 

02/26/07 Surprise Visit: Cheney Encourages Musharraf to Hunt Taliban

Islamabad, Pakistan (APE) - US Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Pakistan on Monday to invite Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf along on an impromptu Taliban hunt. The surprise stop was added to visits to Japan and Australia on an Asia tour undertaken by the vice president in which he rallied support for US policy for a surge of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. The vice president was reported to have indulged in his greatest passion, hunting, at each stop, with the surprise visit to Afghanistan being the culmination.

While Musharraf demurred on joining Cheney for the hunt, he reportedly allowed the vice president access to Taliban preserves and sanctuaries in northern Pakistan, and waved the customary limits and license requirements for Mr. Cheney.

President Bush had earlier sent a tough message to Musharraf insisting that if the vice president were not allowed access to the preferred hunting areas, there was a danger that the newly empowered Democratic Congress might cut off funding for Taliban preservation efforts established jointly by the two administrations.

White House sources speaking on condition of anonymity due to the highly sensitive security concerns involved stated that the vice president's trip to the remote mountainous border area between Pakistan and Afghanistan had indeed been very fruitful, with Mr. Cheney reportedly bagging 24 Taliban from early Monday morning to approximately noon. No breakdown was available as to the makeup of kills in regards to men versus women and children.

The same White House source bristled at reports that the entire hunting trip had been staged, and that the majority of the vice president's kills were of accused Taliban insurgents who had been drugged, released from captivity, and driven disoriented through a staged killing zone. "Of course there were others involved in the hunt," said the White House source. "This is big game here, and the ultimate challenge, requiring highly coordinated teamwork. As to the drugging, come on. Take a look at the area all around the Taliban sanctuary... it's the opium capital of the world. There's no accounting for how people might like to experience their last moments of life."

The White House did confirm rumors that a member of the hunting party had been inadvertently wounded, but refused to say whether it had been at the hands of the vice president, and that the name was being withheld prior to notification of the next of kin.

 

02/25/07 Taco Bell to Combat Rat Infestation with Resurrected Ad Campaign

New York, NY (Rotters) - Days after it was sent scurrying from a nationally viewed video showing a rat infestation at a Greenwich Village franchise of a KFC-Taco Bell restaurant, Yum Brands the corporate owner of Taco Bell stated that it would be taking an aggressive tack in the worldwide media in order to stave off a possibility of slumping sales which resulted from a similar incident with an E. coli scare last year.  Taco Bell will be resurrecting an offshoot of one of its most successful marketing campaigns, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, in effort to both reassure and entertain its customers.

In the new campaign slated for both television commercials and print, "Gidget" the talking Chihuahua, who was fired after many  complaints from Hispanic Americans, will be replaced by a sphinx purebred cat, and a newly recycled catchphrase, "Yo Quiero Ratoncitos!"

A corporate spokesperson stated that advance screenings of the new hairless mouser/mascot have been overwhelmingly positive. "This little guy is off the scale on the cuteness index," stated the Yum Brands spokesperson, "and people really love the idea of a tireless and dedicated Sentinel, always on guard to make sure that they get the finest quality product.  At this point in time we're expecting very little in the way of offense being taken over the use of the Sphinx cat. We have very little in the way of market inroads into Egypt and the Middle East, and a remote risk of offending Muslims is one that we're willing to take. We're expecting at a minimum $50 million in profit from the initial rollout of commemorative toys and collectibles alone. This is the ultimate lemonade out of lemons solution, and we're frankly very excited."

In a related story, Yum Brands also announced that it was hedging its bets just in case the new "Yo Quiero Ratoncitos!" campaign is unsuccessful. The corporate headquarters announced that it would be entering into a three party deal with Disney Inc. and the Walter Reed Army Hospital. The three will launch a campaign which will make Taco Bell-KFC the official food distributor for the Army Hospital campus with Mickey Mouse visiting recuperating soldiers and their families as a goodwill ambassador to defuse the scandal of the recently exposed rat infestation of living quarters on the campus.

The army appeared to be desperate for a resolution to the growing scandal as it was earlier today revealed that an undisclosed number of recuperating GIs had been inadvertently poisoned with Salmonella laced peanut butter. An anonymous Army spokesperson admitted that the Army had saved a tremendous sum of money through a deal in which it had purchased contaminated lots of Peter Pan and Great Value peanut butter from the food conglomerate ConAgra. The army spokesperson stated that the peanut butter was initially meant to be used to bait traps in infested soldiers' quarters at the Reed medical center until they found out afterwards that rats had a natural immunity to salmonella. The spokesperson admitted that while the program was immediately discontinued, it had forgotten to caution the GIs against eating the peanut butter themselves which resulted in a large number of illnesses.

 

 

02/25/07 Condo-Lisa (with profound apologies to the late, great Nat King Cole!)

Condoleezza, Condoleezza, when they name you
You're so unlady-like with the caustic frown
Is it lonely cause it's solely that we blame you
For that Condoleezza sageness brought us down

Do you frown to tempt decider, Condoleezza?
Or is this your way to chide his token smarts?
Many scream that Iraq is at your doorstep
We just die there and you lie there
Don't you storm, don't you feel, Condoleezza?
As you're resold and only blithely play your part?

Condoleezza, Condoleezza...

 

 

02/23/07 Bush Promotes Ethanol for Nation's Problems

Raleigh, NC (APE) - President George W. Bush yesterday took a tour of Novozymes North America Inc. a manufacturer of enzymes designed to harvest ethanol from various renewable resources. Bush touted ethanol as an answer to virtually all of America's problems, from oil independence to all controversies both foreign and domestic. Bush then took a quick jaunt via Marine one to tour another ethanol distillery in nearby Tennessee to emphasize the point.

"Some mistakes have been made," stated Bush. "If I had known some things then that I know now, perhaps things would have been different and I wouldn't have to have been as aggressive with promoting the benefits of ethanol. It's amazing how far the science has come.  They're even getting ethanol out of kudzu in North Carolina... it has a real spice to it but it goes down pretty smooth."

Bush finished his whirlwind domestic agenda tour with a stop in New Orleans to meet up with wife Lara and promote the administration's campaign for health care reform. The Bushes toured a number of hospitals devastated by hurricane Katrina and then made a brief appearance at a Mardi Gras celebration on Bourbon Street.

Bush took the opportunity to laud drug manufacturer Merck Inc. upon the rollout of its human papilloma virus vaccination called Gardisil. "I want to thank Merk for all that it has contributed to the health of America, and the pioneering work that Texas Governor Rick Perry has done in making the vaccine mandatory for all school-age girls," stated Bush. When questioned further by reporters, Bush stated that he had received assurances from Governor Perry that the over $11,000 in donations to Perry and eight state lawmakers from Merk, Inc. had been put to good use.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice also made a Mardi Gras appearance but instead, at a carnival parade in Berlin Germany. Rice was in Germany to arouse support for the US position of increasing sanctions upon Iran for its failure to abide by a UN Security Council resolution condemning its nuclear aspirations.

Rice met with the Foreign Ministers from Russia and Germany as well as the EU foreign policy chief to discuss ways to deal with the Iranian government's insistence upon pursuing uranium enrichment. "We have a common goal of enticing Iran back to the bargaining table. Anything is on the table."

Meanwhile, in Washington, the White House appeared to be breathlessly anticipating the outcome of the Scooter Libby perjury trial.  In a surprise move early this morning the jury sent a note to Judge Reggie Walton requesting to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney, who had been expected to testify.  They also requested that Libby be placed in temporary custody over fears that he might become a flight risk prior to the conclusion of their deliberations. Walton admonished the jury over the request for the audience with the vice president stating that it was legally inappropriate, but granted the request for the detention of Libby.

Many in Washington feel that the outcome of the Libby trial represents a symbolic judgment over the Bush administration's making of the case for war in Iraq.  The trial itself has subjected the administration's machinations in the lead up to the war in Iraq to embarrassing public exposure.  President Bush famously, at the time, insisted that anyone in the administration leaking the identity of Valerie Plame would be dismissed.  The president has since refused to comment, stating that the trial is ongoing, but has repeatedly assured the public that he has taken a personal hand into the issue of leaking at the White House.

 

 

 

 

02/21/07 Critics Astounded by the Success of Ghost Decider

Hollywood, CA (O! Online) - Branded an expensive flop by critics this past November, "Ghost Decider" astounded Beltway critics by becoming the number one fright flick box office draw over the Presidents' Day weekend. Critics are at a loss to explain the continued appeal of the film's stubbornly stupid main character to a loyal subculture of the American population.

"Ghost Decider" is the most recent of a spate of Hollywood films based upon comic book characters. The film stars newcomer George W. Bush as an antichrist like mountain bike rider who sends soldiers to meet their makers.

Thus far, "Ghost Decider" has grossed over $750 billion from the US treasury and other sources since its initial release, and looks likely to take in another $75 billion over the coming weeks. "Ghost Decider" is currently in military theatres worldwide and is rated "M" for manure.

 

02/21/07 Blair Vanishes Prior to Brit Troop Withdrawal Announcement

London, England (UPSI) - British Prime Minister Tony Blair mysteriously vanished early this morning just hours before a scheduled official announcement In regards to the withdrawal of 3000 British troops from Iraq by year's end.  Information is sketchy at this point but it appears that Blair's entire security contingent at Downing Street became mysteriously ill, facilitating a possible Early-morning kidnapping of the Prime Minister. MI-5 authorities are refusing to comment on an unfolding embarrassing situation, but speculations abounded that Mr. Blair was either kidnapped in a terrorist plot or subjected to extreme rendition at the hands of American CIA undercover operatives.

A picture surfaced from an anonymous source presumably taken early this morning which shows Blair apparently being spirited out of his quarters by an unidentified contingent of armed men. A check of flight logs at a small private airstrip outside of London's Heathrow Airport revealed that there indeed had been a documented early morning arrival and departure of a private jet leased to Blackwater security, a North Carolina-based firm.

A spokesperson for the White House vehemently denied any CIA involvement in Blair's disappearance, insisting that, in all likelihood, the prime minister was a victim of the rampant Muslim extremism which appears to have infiltrated British society, and appears to have begun clouding its collective judgment.  "Our sympathies go out to the Prime Minister's wife and family and the country of Great Britain," stated the spokesperson. "We will devote all the resources of America's vast intelligence community in order to render justice in Mr. Blair's case. This should serve as a reminder to everyone that the war on terror is indeed a deadly game in which we are all  involved. At this time, we won't comment further, but preliminary information indicates that there may be a possibility of Iranian involvement."

 

02/20/07 Resurgent Al-Qaeda Rumored as Potential Buyer for Chrysler

Auburn Hills, MI (Rotters) - In a controversial move this morning, DaimlerChrysler chairman Dieter Zetsche announced that Al Qaeda had emerged as the most attractive bidder from a pack of interested buyers that had secretly announced due diligence in regards to purchasing the American icon automobile manufacturer Chrysler. Al Qaeda head Osama bin Laden met with Zetsche and the board of directors late yesterday and is said to be offering $15 billion for Chrysler's physical plants and assets with negotiations underway in which parent corporation Daimler would continue to fund pension liabilities and health-care obligations for its workers. Bin Laden stated that Daimler's continued coverage of its employees was key to the deal as it represented a huge conflict of interest for Al Qaeda.

An Al-Qaeda spokesperson confirmed that the terrorist organization had indeed been blessed with a banner year, confirming an earlier White House claim of resurgence.  Citing a continuing flood of potential recruits secondary to America's involvement in Iraq as well as favorable weather and growing conditions in the poppy fields of Afghanistan over the past year, the spokesperson stated that Al Qaeda was indeed very cash heavy and considering many alternatives for growth and expansion globally.

"We are excited over the prospects of branching out into manufacturing," stated Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri. "Sources for new car bombs have been steadily deteriorating throughout the Middle East in the ongoing jihad with the American Crusaders. The Chrysler Ram series of frames and body styles are indeed well-built and suitable to the rigors of combat and support throughout our theaters.  Our technicians and developers have achieved great success with rewiring and retooling existing collision systems for use as detonators.  With the ability to substitute explosive charges for airbags on a massive scale, we should finally be able to fulfill the Bush administration's request to "bring the war on terror home to the American people", Allah be praised. The need for suicide bombers will be rendered obsolete."

Zetsche confirmed that Al Qaeda's offer had beaten proposals from Renault, Hundai, and General Motors. "It is a shame that this fine automobile arrives at this outcome," stated Zetsche. "We have invited counterproposals from the US government in all fairness, but we have yet to hear from them."

The White House refused comment on the buyout offer, but stated that the president was working closely with the Republican minorities in the Senate and House to offer a joint nonbinding resolution against the Al Qaeda acquisition.

 

02/19/07 Clinton Shaves Head in Support of Britney Spears and Campaign Hire

Florence, SC (APE) - Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton today stunned supporters in South Carolina with a newly shaven head at campaign appearances in South Carolina. Clinton claimed that the new look was in support of pop star Britney Spears' attempt at a brand-new makeover of her life and career. Clinton also took the opportunity to categorically deny that her campaign had essentially offered $200,000 in business towards the consulting firm of State Senator Darrell Jackson in order to receive an endorsement from influential black politicians. Clinton stated that the shorn look was her way of demonstrating that she had nothing to hide.

Speaking at Allen University, a traditionally black college in Colombia, Clinton took questions from the crowd.  When asked if she felt that shaving her head and associating with Spears might prove to be a mistake in the long run, Clinton said, "I don't think so, I can really identify with Britney. I think that if she knew then what she knows now about her former husband Kevin, she certainly wouldn't find herself in the predicament that she is in now... there would have been no need to shave her head. Perhaps a shaved head is a good way to apologize for your own shortcomings to yourself and others when you just can't seem to find the words."

Senator Jackson reaffirmed that the $200,000 business deal had nothing to do with the endorsement of Clinton's candidacy, but that it would certainly go a long way towards making her the Democratic candidate most likely to win.  He further stated that with the same or possibly less financial backing, Illinois Senator Barak Obama would probably look more likely to win.

In a related story, Clinton's locks have reportedly surfaced for sale on eBay, as well as those of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

 

 

02/16/07 Tearful Boehner Pledges to Adopt Nicole Smith Cause

Washington, DC (UPSI) - A tearful House Minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) yesterday pledged to reporters that he intended to end what he called a "destructive partisan bickering" over the Iraq War by the Democrats and return the business of the house to issues that the majority of Americans find important. He pledged to adopt the cause of Anna Nicole Smith, the controversial recently deceased reality TV star, and bring binding resolutions and legislation to the floor of the house designed to protect the average American from the exploitation the late Smith and her orphaned daughter have endured. "We will refocus and reunite the Republican Party around the family values that Americans have entrusted to our stewardship," stated Boehner.

"It brings tears to my eyes to consider the repeated genetic testing that her lifeless body has had to endure," stated Boehner, "to say nothing of watching a poor innocent infant bandied about for a week like a multi-million dollar football. This is not what the culture of life is all about. This is Terri Schiavo all over again, and it's all because we were blocked by the liberal Democrats from getting it right the first time."

Boehner stated that the Republican party's latest poling showed that a vast majority of Americans (80%) were far more concerned over the outcome of Baby Dannilyn than opposition to the Iraq War (63%). "The Republicans have always been the party of the people, and we look forward to getting back to the people's issues that were important before we were railroaded out of power." stated Boehner.

Boehner went on to say that he intended to introduce an amendment blocking what he called "further desecration of the body of Anna Nicole Smith," and "exploitation of baby Dannilyn" into the current up or down vote against the President's surge in Iraq scheduled for late tonight in the house. "This is not a political ploy," Boehner insisted, "it is a reaffirmation of what the Republican party stands for, and the American people will be the judge. If the Democrat leadership attempts to block this, they will suffer their own consequences."

 

02/15/07 When You Fish to Win a War

 

When you fish to win a war, take no preference with whom you spar
Many things you’ll start transpire to undo you

If you embark in sin your schemes, so bequest a failed regime
When you fish to win a war as schemers do

Hate you’ll find, it binds to those who loathe
The neat distilment of their secret wronging

Like a dolt who sees he’s nude, hate seeps in and sees thru you
When you fish to win a war, your schemes miscue

 

 

02/14/07 Mahdi Army Insists All Sadr Still in Iraq

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - One day after anonymous US officials insisted that radical cleric Muqtada al Sadr had fled Iraq for Iran, an anonymous Mahdi Army spokesperson stepped forwards with photographic proof that it presented to Al Jazeera showing that Al Sadr was still in Iraq in his command bunker.  Al Sadr's departure had been reported by several US television networks yesterday on the strength of anonymous US government sources.

The picture shows Al Sadr, affectionately known as "Mullah Atari" to his supporters, in command of his anti-American army in Iraq.

The Mahdi Army spokesperson stated that Al Sadr had complete split-second, real-time command of his troops via a heavily modified PlayStation 2. Al Sadr is currently operating off of a hacked copy of the heavily anticipated Electronic Arts upcoming release of its latest "Command and Conquer" series of video games.

"No one is able to utilize suicide bombers and unruly crowds like Mullah Atari," said the Mahdi spokesperson. "We predict that the Bush  surging strategy is eventually doomed for failure."

 

02/13/07 Viagra Valentine Campaign Goes Worldwide

New York, NY (Rotters) - Pfizer pharmaceuticals today announced that it would be partnering with Britain's largest pharmacy chain, Boots, to supply a special commemorative dose of its popular erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra, to any male over the age of 18 over the counter for Valentine's Day. A specially decorated Valentines box which contains four reduced dose "conversation heart" pills, will be available for $5. Each pill will contain 5 mg of sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra, enough to provide the user with a "small taste" of the effects of Viagra. A commemorative bottle of 10 will sell for $10.

"We initially started our over the counter campaign for Viagra in support of National Impotence Day in Britain which coincides with Valentine's Day on February 14,"  stated Boots spokeswoman Claire Stafford. "We had lots of safety precautions in place, including screenings for blood pressure and consultation with a pharmacist before dispensing Viagra.  Then Pfizer found out about our intentions and pointed out that our precautions may scare away some men who might otherwise want to try it.  That's when they came up with the marketing plan for the lower dose."

Gone is the trademark blue color of the Viagra tablet.  The commemorative heart-shaped tablets come in a variety of pastel colors with the Pfizer logo on one side and traditional conversation heart clever sayings on the other.

"It's quite clever what they've come up with," continued Stafford, "and if anyone desires, they are chewable and quite tasty. They have, however, been edited for content somewhat.  The traditional "eat me" that everyone always loved to come across has been removed... we are, after all, promoting an anti-impotence drug."

The AMA is urging consumers to maintain caution in using the over the counter Viagra, insisting that severe side effects such as priapism, stroke, and blindness might indeed still occur.

"Theoretically, if someone actually consumed the entire contents of one of the commemorative bottles, they might be exposed to the effects of one of the 50 mg standard Viagra doses," stated a Pfizer spokesperson reached for comment. "But why would someone do that? We're just trying to reach out to everyone who thinks that they might benefit from our product."

Pfizer stated that it anticipated that the Viagra Valentine would be on pharmacy shelves worldwide today in time for Valentine's Day tomorrow, and that they looked forward to brisk sales during a holiday in which love is truly blind.

 

02/12/07 John Howard Accuses Dixie Chicks of Aid to Al Qaeda

Sydney, Australia (APE) - Immediately after the Dixie Chicks win of five Grammy awards last night, Australian Prime Minister John Howard stepped forward to accuse the group of providing aid and comfort to Al Qaeda, and banned them from any appearances in Australia. Howard, along with his secretary for the treasury Peter Costello, produced for reporters a case of Dixie Chicks CDs of their recent album which they claim the Australian government had intercepted and was headed for Iraq.

"We may have received some flak from the Obama business, but here is conclusive proof," stated Howard. "Rest assured that Australia will do its part in the war on terror and everything within its power to provide for the safety of its troops."

Howard refused to comment further over Democratic presidential candidate Barak Obama's suggestion that Australia might consider increasing its troop presence in Iraq to cover the 20,000 additional forces that the Bush administration insists are needed. He stated only that he refused to play politics with Australian soldiers lives.

The Dixie Chicks last night won the five Grammy awards that they were nominated for, in what many have suggested is a public affirmation of their continued stance against the Bush administration and the war in Iraq. A spokesperson for the Dixie chicks stated that they had no comment in regards to Howard's statement and stated only that "they were not ready to play nice".

 

02/09/07 Colbert Steps Forward to Claim Anna Nicole's Baby

Hollywood, FL (Rotters) - A tearful right-wing pundit Stephen Colbert stepped forward in Hollywood today to become the fourth man to claim paternity over five month old Dannielyn after the tragic death of mother Anna Nicole Smith yesterday. Colbert joins Smith lawyer Howard K. Stern, photographer Larry Birkhead, and Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor as claimants of fatherhood to a five month old now orphaned little girl who may reportedly be worth over 500 million dollars.

Colbert produced photographs of the couple and daughter recently after her birth. He claimed that the relationship was kept secret out of concerns from campaign staffers as to how it would affect his candidacy for the vice presidency in 2008 in conjunction with running mate Jon Stewart.

Fighting back tears, Colbert went on to explain how he became romantically involved with Nicole Smith last year while he was covering her Supreme Court case in Washington as a reporter for the Daily Show. "She was a powerful woman," Colbert said of Smith, "the flesh was willing and the mind was weak."

Colbert went on to scoff at the claims of others stating that he was confident that genetic testing would bear his version of events out.  When asked if he felt that this new revelation would adversely affect the Stewart/Colbert '08 campaign or his marriage, Colbert insisted that to the contrary, his actions were reflective of traditional conservative Republican family values and would be an asset to the campaign.

"I'm not in this for the money, folks," Colbert vowed to reporters. "This lonely abandoned little girl needs a family...  a mother, a father, and a little brother. Dannielyn is going to grow up right alongside baby Stephen and they'll play in the same cage... unless, it turns out she's allergic to feathers."

The Hollywood Medical Examiner's Office stated that it was looking into hiring extra staff to handle blood testing and other paperwork over the next week as it anticipated paternity claims would continue to swell.

 

02/08/07 Bush Rallies Support for Pork Initiative

Luray, VA (APE) - President Bush took a leisural helicopter ride to Shenandoah National Forest in an attempt to rally public support for his plan to pump millions out of some of America's national parks.

"I hope the citizens groups who are concerned about national parks are able to volunteer their time to repair all the nasty trails and remind Congress about what we have done and need to continue to do as good shepherds of our own natural resources," the president said.

Bush trumpeted the fact that his new budget reallocates $230 million more from within the $2.4 billion National Parks budget than he requested last year. The funding largely will come from existing budgets for construction and waste management and go towards repairs for crumbling facilities and growing pollution problems. With the proposed selloff of oil and mineral rights in other national parks and subsequent downsizing of actual wilderness area, the president predicted that by 2008 the budget for the Park service would become revenue neutral.

Bush also called for $100 million in federal funds to match corporate ventures into oil and mineral rights management and day to day operations for the parks.

"Congress needs to hear loud and clear how important this issue of oil addiction is," Bush stated.

 

02/08/07 5000 Year Old Couple Declared Gay

ROME (Rotters) - Archaeologists in the northern Italian city of Mantova today declared conclusively that the 5000 year old couple recently discovered buried in an embrace was indeed homosexual.

"It's not so much of an extraordinary case," stated Elena Menotti, the archaeologist in charge of the dig, "given the ancient cultural acceptance of homosexuality before the appearance of Christianity."

Initially it was felt by the team that the two were almost certainly a man and woman, but closer scrutiny of pelvic measurements showed that both skeletons were more consistent with the male sex.

"I must say that when we discovered them, we all had high hopes that this might be a heterosexual couple, but it just didn't pan out," Menotti told Rotters.

Researchers will now be tasked with uncovering the cause of death for the couple. Archaeologists at the site assured reporters that damage to the remains were most likely not the result of violence or trauma, as might be suspected in this day and age, but more likely due to the ravages of time.

 

02/07/07 Haggard Disappointed over Public Response to Snickers Super Bowl AD

Phoenix, AZ (UPSI) - Newly declared heterosexual Ted Haggard came forward today to register his displeasure with the American public over condemnation of a recent Snickers Super Bowl ad in which he appeared. Mars Inc. was caught off guard by a tidal wave of public anger over the commercial which depicts an accidental kiss between two males. The company immediately pulled the ad campaign after overwhelming complaints that it was anti-gay. Haggard took issue with the public outcry, stating that he felt his performance reflected a natural, humorous and "completely heterosexual" situational response.

The Snickers ad was one of a number of recent attempts by the disgraced pastor of the New Life Church in Colorado to parlay his celebrity and notoriety.  Most recently Haggard had been a spokesmodel for an Australian brand of underwear called the Wonderjock. Haggard, a staunch anti-gay Christian, was forced out of his 22 year position as founding pastor of the 14,000 member mega-church after revelations that he had been involved in a three-year sexual relationship with a male escort from Denver.

Haggard recently declared himself completely and totally heterosexual after an intensive three-week spiritual retreat in Phoenix, and continues to receive ongoing Christian counseling.  In an e-mail to friends Haggard stated that he was now considering a career in psychology in order to combat the profession's progressive attitudes towards homosexuality from within and conform it to the teachings of the Bible and the example of Jesus.

"I really enjoyed doing the Snickers commercial," stated Haggard.  "There is a sense of camaraderie, I suppose, that develops between actors in that kind of situation.  There were a lot of takes, and a lot of candy bars in order to get the scene just right.  It's a scientific fact that chocolate has chemical compounds that are similar to methamphetamine and stimulate sexual feelings, so it was a little tough on me. I'm just really disappointed with the American public that there is such intolerance for heterosexual feelings."

A spokesman for Mars Inc. stated that the Haggard/Snickers ad campaign had been pulled completely and would not return. He stated that the failed ad had in actuality been a positive learning experience for the corporation and that they had no idea of the extent to which their candies and other products were utilized by the gay and lesbian community. Plans were underway to revamp some older products and aggressively target this newly discovered market. The spokesman stated that the public could look for a new "Brokeback Mounds" bar in the near future, which promised to turn coconut haters into coconut lovers.

 

02/06/07 Iranian Diplomat Beheaded in Iraq

Washington, DC (Rotters) - After an earlier denial of American involvement in the supposed kidnapping of Iranian diplomat Jalal Shararfi, President Bush early this morning was presented the head of Mr. Sharafi by Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki. Bush praised the Maliki government for what it described as increasing signs that the Iraqis were toughening their stance on an out-of-control insurgency.

"The Islamic Republic of Iran strongly condemns this aggressive act which is in violation of international law," the official Islamic Republic news agency was quoted as saying. "Iran holds American forces in Iraq responsible for the safety and life of the Iranian diplomat."

The Iranian government claimed Sharafi was in Baghdad in order to promote a banking and financial agreement between the two countries. The White House claimed that it was investigating the incident and offered that there appeared to be good information that Sharafi was instead attempting to coordinate the transfer of sophisticated centrifuges out of Iraq for use in Iran's fledgling nuclear program.

The White House again stood by its authorization for US troops to kill or capture Iranian agents within Iraq. "We will fight them in Iraq today so that we might not have to fight them in Iran tomorrow," President Bush said to reporters in attending. "A mushroom cloud may be the only warning that they'll get unless we can all just keep our heads."

 

02/04/07 Bush briefly surveys Tornado Damage in Central Florida

Orlando, FL (APE) - President Bush made a flyover aboard Marine One and surveyed the damage to Paisley Florida and other cities in the wake of a string of severe thunderstorms and tornadoes which occurred earlier this week. He assailed Democrats for delaying his ability to be able to personally inspect the damage, citing his insisted upon appearance at a House Democratic retreat yesterday in Williamsburg, Virginia.

Bush spoke to a number of reporters and survivors in Paisley and responded to questions in regards to the uncharacteristic winter timing of the storms and their possible relation to concerns over global warming. Bush condemned the activities of former Vice President Al Gore, citing what he called "environmental and economic terrorism" that would likely delay federal government relief reaching the people of Florida.

"A lot of these good people are not going to be able to get insurance now," stated Bush.  "Nobody wants to insure anything if they're convinced another tornado or hurricane is going to come along.  Our economy is fragile but strong right now and we can't have businesses threatened by a lot of environmental rumor mongering."

Bush stated that he looked forward to working with his brother over the coming weeks in an effort to alleviate the suffering of the storm’s survivors.  A pool reporter then pointed out that the president's brother was no longer the governor of Florida.

"Oh yeah... heh, heh… my bad,” stated Mr. Bush.  Bush then immediately climbed aboard Marine One and departed for Washington.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist publicly thanked the White House for their concerns, but then stated that they would be sending a bill for the cost of the president's security while in Florida.

 

02/03/07 Hadley Calls Civil War Inadequate Description of Iraq

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Presidential security adviser Stephen Hadley yesterday, in a news conference at the White House, steadfastly maintained that the Bush administration was correct in its insistence that the conflict in Iraq cannot be referred to as a civil war.  Answering questions from reporters, Hadley stated that the recently released National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) on Iraq was far rosier than some of its misleading language would have some reporters believe. He insisted that the White House had taken great care to have the document reflect what the president believes is the true situation and that it was being interpreted incorrectly by the press.

In response to direct questions from reporters in regards to the White House's refusal to use the term "civil war", Hadley insisted that while that term might have been appropriate at some point in the past, the conflict was now far more complicated than just a civil war. He stated that the White House was determined at this point to merely give facts to the public and not labels.

A reporter then followed up with a question asking Hadley bluntly if the term “Apocalypse” might be more appropriate.

"No, no, that is not what the NIE says," Hadley responded. "You ought to be very clear about that. Certainly, much of the chaos and destruction in Iraq might resemble an apocalypse, but what point does it serve to mistakenly label it this way, bringing a Christian term into the middle of an Islamic tinderbox? It does a disservice to our men and women in uniform and emboldens the enemy.  If we leave Iraq before the job is done... and we won't... the world will be facing Armageddon.  Theoretically, if anyone is around to still debate the topic, perhaps at that point they might be justified in describing the current situation in Iraq as fitting the criteria for "apocalyptic".

 

 

02/02/07  Poxuponye Dick Sees Shadow: One More Year of War for America

White Sulfur Springs, WV (APE) - February 2, it's that time of year again... it's Chicken Hawk Day!  Every year the sleepy little resort called the Greenbrier is flooded with reporters to a secret undisclosed location. Amidst much celebration and ceremony, America's official Chicken Hawk is awakened from his deep sleep and dragged from his secure bunker to see if he will be able to see his shadow.

Tradition maintains that if the Chicken Hawk is unable to see his shadow and react in fear, America will be treated to a rapid and early peace. If the Chicken Hawk instead, sees his shadow, America will face another year of warfare and bloodshed.

At approximately 4 a.m. Eastern Standard Time America's official Chicken Hawk, Poxuponye Dick was awakened, dressed, and coaxed from the bowels of his bunker into the black of the predawn night. Many have felt in the last two years that officials have pushed back the hour for the ceremony repeatedly in an effort to put an end to the suffering of America. Reporters and photographers this year were forbidden from using spotlights or flashes.

At approximately 4:15 a.m., after allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness, Poxuponye Dick sneered, and declared that he could make out his shadow on the ground in the light of the setting, nearly full moon, and shuffled back into his bunker without further comment.

All across Iraq and Afghanistan, a familiar and pervasive sense of déjà vu settled in as more civilians and American servicemen were killed needlessly in mindless acts of violence. America braced itself for yet another cold, hard year of insanity as the president, for the sixth time, increased the number of servicemen headed into harms way in the Middle East.

 

 

02/01/07 Potter to Live after Final Book released in July says Rowling

London, England (Rotters) - To the relief of millions of fans worldwide, author JK Rowling today announced that "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” would be released on July 21, and that the series’ main character, Harry Potter would indeed live.

Bloomsbury Publishing PLC also announced that it had concluded a multimillion dollar five book agreement with Rowling which will enable her to leave behind her successful series of children's books and branch out into Gothic Romance. A spokesperson for Bloomsbury stated that they were looking forward to the continued relationship and felt that Rowling would be an eminently successful romance writer given that she had an avid readership which she has groomed through the Harry Potter series.

Rowling announced that while two characters would certainly die in the final Harry Potter book, the main characters Harry Potter, and Hermione Granger would live on to star in her first Gothic Romance entitled "Harry Potter Bewitching Hour”. She admitted that she had been influenced by the pleas from two fellow American authors, John Irving and Stephen King who had insisted that Potter be allowed to live.

"I've made the decision to continue my advocacy for children and adolescents up through adulthood," stated Rowling. "I tried to take a bold step in the last three books in the realistic portrayal of adolescent emotions and sexual awakenings and to assure young readers that it was okay to anticipate and experience these feelings. This new series is just the next logical step for my characters and my writing."

Rowling refused to give further details for the initial book and the relationship between Potter and Granger, stating that everything was in the planning stages.  She did, however, indicate that she had plans to take on the challenge of introducing and advocating for responsible sexuality and birth control in the series.

 

 

01/31/07 David Hasselhoff detained as Germany hands down 13 CIA Related Indictments

Berlin, Germany (Rotters) - Transplanted American singing sensation and television star David Hasselhoff was arrested early today by German police as the government followed through with the arrest of 13 reported CIA operatives.  The arrests are as a result of investigations into the kidnapping and subsequent torture of German citizen Khaled Masri in January of 2004.

The Masri case, as well as the US government's maintenance of illegal detention centers in Europe has soured relations between the United States and Germany. Other indictments filed today include charges against four pilots, a medic, and other members of what German government officials are calling a CIA operations unit. The indictments occurred as the Italian government is reportedly considering similar arrests for 26 Americans and nine Italians in the kidnapping and torture of Egyptian cleric Abu Omar.

The German government claimed that the high-profile actor/singer’s resurrected European career and popularity were largely "window dressing" and funded indirectly by the CIA itself. They also claimed that the CIA was responsible for the recent attempt at turning Hasselhoff's 1989 hit "Looking for Freedom" into the number one downloaded single on UK music charts.

A publicist for Hasselhoff dismissed the charges as ridiculous. "The man has an earlier role as an actor driving around in a super sophisticated spy car and everyone does all paranoid," he said. "David is a talented and hard-working man who has divested himself of American influence, and has earned his European success on his own."

 

 

01/31/07 Harry Potter Stars Pose Nude

London, England (O! Online) - Actors Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson who play Harry Potter and Hermione Granger in the movie adaptation of author JK Rowling's eminently popular children's book series have stunned fans and parents alike by apparently posing in a tasteful nude photo spread. Radcliffe had done so in order to promote his upcoming appearance in an onstage production of Equus. Watson apparently joined him in the photo spread as a show of support, although she does not appear in the production.

Other members of the cast of the phenomenally popular Harry Potter movie series have expressed their support for Radcliffe, and are said to be considering nude photo spreads as well. Maggie Smith and Alan Rickman who play professors Minerva McGonagle and Severus Snape will likely be the next to pose provided negotiations are concluded to their liking. Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley is rumored to be upset over Radcliffe and Watson's actions and said to be a holdout at this point.

Radcliffe's publicist was unapologetic to critics who condemned the actor’s decision to appear nude onstage and in the photo spread. "This is strictly a career move for Daniel," he said. “He’s getting older and he really doesn't want to be trapped in the role of Harry Potter for the rest of his life. He felt that he also needed to make a statement in regard to what he feels is the rubbish of public attitudes towards nudity."

Thus far the response from diehard fans has been overwhelmingly positive.  "Things are going to be different from now on," said 16-year-old Radcliffe fan Fawn Overheim.

Dr. James Dobson of the "Focus on the Family" Institute expressed his organization’s outrage at what they considered outright pornography. "We've been trying to warn people about this whole book series for years," stated Dobson. "People should come to expect this from Satanic worship. I feel for this young man and woman who have now become ruined by this, and to say nothing of the small children that they have disappointed and influenced. It's frightening that children will now have to consider nudity and sexuality as something healthy."

 

01/29/07 Iranian President Apprehended in Massive Iraqi/American Combined Raid in Baghdad

Baghdad, Iraq (APE) - Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was taken into American custody after a raid yesterday on an Iraqi government minister's compound in Baghdad. The raid was a smaller part of an overall larger operation conducted by a combined task force comprised of both Iraqis and Americans. The operation, dubbed "nuclear file" also resulted in the deaths of 300 Sunni insurgents determined to attack the holy city of Najaf.

Iran has protested the detention of Ahmadinejad, insisting that the president was visiting in a strictly diplomatic sense, exploring the possibility of increased assistance to Iraq in regards to its economic infrastructure and security. Iran is reportedly proposing opening a branch of the Iranian national Bank in Baghdad, and funding a number of reparation projects nationwide.

American military authorities refused to divulge the exact whereabouts of the Iranian president, but stated that he was currently undergoing interrogation.

US State Department officials released a statement claiming that Ahmadinejad would likely be held indefinitely as questioning continues. They further went on to claim that the Iranian president was, in actuality, involved in a centrifuge for anti-tank missile deal with rogue Shia elements of the Iraqi government. The proposed deal would involve trading sophisticated centrifuges from Saddam's previous nuclear program which had been successfully hidden away during the search for weapons of mass destruction for Iranian Soviet built anti-tank weapons.

"Economic and political cooperation is not the answer to Iraq," stated a White House spokesperson. "America has been down that road before and this is just further evidence of the correctness of the president's military final solution for the middle east."

 

01/26/07 Libby Trial Leads to Cheney Arrest

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Early this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney was taken into custody by federal marshals from an undisclosed location in Washington.  The vice president was apparently taken into custody under orders from federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald as a result of recent disclosures during the trial of Cheney's former assistant, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Libby is currently on trial for charges of perjury in regards to the investigation into the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Cheney also has only been charged with perjury at this point.

A spokesperson for federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald stated that the decision to formally arrest and charge the vice president came as a result of new information and damning disclosures from the opening days of the trial. Yesterday, Cathy Martin a former Cheney communications director confirmed the administration's embarrassing close associations with particular reporters as well as the administration's long suspected use of the tactic of the "Friday news dump".

"When you actually bring a case to trial, it begins to look a little different," stated the Fitzgerald spokesperson. "What once used to look like a weak case against someone may look a little stronger based on the strength of your witness testimony."

Ironically, the vice president reportedly had stated that he would agree to testify for the defense on behalf of his former assistant.

"With the direction of the testimony over the last few days, we felt like we just couldn't take the chance that Mr. Cheney might renege," stated Fitzgerald's spokesperson. "New evidence has also come to light that has convinced us that we now have a viable case against the vice president."

Rumors have been circulating that Fitzgerald may have begun negotiating with the Libby defense team after the first few days of opening testimony, in which Libby may be seeking a plea bargain in return for testimony. Fitzgerald's spokesperson refused to confirm or deny the rumor, stating cryptically that "the Aspen does appear to be changing".

 

01/25/06 White House Installs New Military Ray Gun

Washington, DC (APE) - Visitors and tourists of the White House today were treated to a newly modified skyline atop the oval office. On advice of the president himself, White House security has adopted the newly unveiled Raytheon microwave crowd control technology.  The president was said to have taken a personal interest in the security update, possibly recognizing its importance in light of growing domestic unrest in regards to his continued refusal to bend to the will of the American public and withdraw from Iraq.

The high-tech "ray gun" emits what are called millimeter waves which are said to barely penetrate the top surface layer of the skin and induce a sudden 130° change in temperature discomforting enough to theoretically force a crowd to disperse.

While much of the new system is classified as secret, Raytheon technicians reportedly spent weeks synchronizing the system with existing video monitoring equipment which is being fed into the White House situation room. With the touch of a button, an operator is said to be able to bring the non-lethal ray gun to bear on any line of sight target within 500 yards of the White House.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow stated that the president was excited about the new technology, and described Mr. Bush as "a kid with a new toy". Snow went on to say that the president had found some creative new uses for the technology, having just this morning cleared a path through the snow on the east lawn to Marine One. He then used it to gently warm a homeless man sleeping in the doorway to an office building across the street from the White House. He has also reportedly enjoyed playfully chasing Barney and Miss Beazley around the grounds from the comfort of the oval office. "The president is looking forward to inviting key members of the new Democratically  controlled Congress to the White House for a demonstration of the technology," said Snow.

Snow added that the White House is looking into the feasibility of expanding its security perimeter with the installation of a unit across the street atop the Washington Monument.

"Superior technology has always been the saving grace of the United States," concluded Snow. "The fruition of this device should serve as a prime example to the American taxpayer that not all of the hard work and research undertaken by this administration in Guantánamo Bay and Abu Ghraib will be in vain. What we have achieved is a new weapon in the war on terror, which may also make previous forms of extreme coercive interrogation obsolete."

 

01/23/07 Wesley Autrey Repeats Act of Bravery at SOTU Address

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Wesley Autrey, the famed subway hero, tonight found himself in an identical situation in the nation's capital and again reacted instinctively in an act of selfless bravery. He is being credited by witnesses present with this time saving the life of President George W. Bush.

As the president's State of the Union address was winding down in Congress, an alert Autrey took notice of the president's obliviousness to the bus of public opinion within the building barreling down upon him. As a bipartisan group of senators actually tossed the president under the bus, Autrey leapt to the president's aid, wrapping him in the safety of his own heroism as the bus passed over the two of them, leaving them both unharmed.

"I just reacted," stated Autrey, " I don't think what I did was heroic atin all.  But I've got to tell you, this was spooky... like Yogi Berra said, 'déjà vu all over again'...  I'm probably going to have nightmares about this."

Presidential aide Karl Rove stated that the president had expressed his profound thanks to Autrey, and insisted that the president was uninjured but just a little shaken. Rove announced that the White House had subsequently seized all videotape from networks telecasting the speech up to the incident in question. "We will be conducting a painstaking investigation in cooperation with the Secret Service and FBI," stated Rove, "we have some good leads, and with the help of the videotape we are confident that we will be able to identify and bring to justice all those involved with this attempt at throwing the president under the bus, particularly the Republicans."

 

01/23/07 First Lady and Barney Sign on With Senate Republicans Seeking to Stop Troop Escalation

Washington, DC (APE) - First Lady Laura Bush and first dogs Barney and Miss Beazley today signed on with a bipartisan Senate sponsored resolution criticizing the president for his plans to escalate the number of troops in Iraq. The president has famously maintained his belief in the correctness of his actions despite growing public condemnation, stating that he would stay America's course in Iraq even if the only remaining people supporting him were his wife and his dog. This position seems to have been dealt a very severe setback on the evening before his State of the Union address.

The first lady appeared in a news conference with Senators John Warner (R-VA), Bill Nelson (D-FL) and Susan Collins (R-ME) to announce their largely symbolic opposition to the president's plans. This becomes the third bipartisan public condemnation in as many days.

Mrs. Bush stated that she and the dogs would begin an immediate withdrawal and strategic redeployment, returning only when the president is able to step up and make the commitment to govern himself and the country effectively. She cited a specific set of benchmarks and a timetable for the White House loosely adapted from an earlier House of Representatives proposal for Iraq.

A tearful President Bush was seeing leaving late Monday afternoon for for a last-minute trip to Camp David with White House staffers.  It was rumored that the president's State of the Union speech had drawn heavily on his wife and dogs as comic relief in outlining what is largely expected to be a use of domestic issues as a massive distraction from the situation in Iraq. The White House insisted that a major rewrite was not underway, but that the president was merely attempting to make sure that he got this one right.

 

01/21/07 Lame Plots Keep Callin' for More Dead

Lame Plots Keep Callin' for More Dead
         (...with apologies to BJ Thomas)


Lame plots keep callin' for more dead
And just hike the lie defeat will leave the country bled
It’s just a croc of shit
Those lame plots keep callin' for more dead, they keep callin'...

So we just said we were walkin' with the son
And we said we sorta liked the way he’d get things won
Cheap and so macabre
Those lame plots keep callin' for more dead, they keep callin'...

But here's the thing you know
With news we’ll bend so sweetly and discretely
We won't belong when truthiness comes out completely

Lame plots keep callin' for more dead
But that doesn't mean our lies won’t soon be causin' dread
Whinin’ for a surge
'Cause they’re never gonna clog the drain just complainin'
Unless they purge
It’s just a funeral dirge

[instrumental]

We won't belong when truthiness comes out completely

Lame plots keep callin' for more dead
But that doesn't mean our lies can’t keep the country led
On a killin’ spree
'Cause they’re never gonna clog the drain just complainin'
The cause is greed
Oil is never for free...

 

 

01/19/07 Colbert Receives O'Reilly Campaign Endorsement and Contribution

New York, NY (Rotters) - Stephen Colbert last night capped off a successful dual appearance with Fox news commentator and pundit Bill O'Reilly with a resounding endorsement and campaign contribution from O'Reilly himself.  O'Reilly ended Colbert's broadcast last night with a surprise presentation of a check for $50,000 to the Stewart/Colbert 08 campaign.  O'Reilly is the latest in a long list of celebrities to endorse the growing campaign to place Stewart and Colbert in the White House in 2008.

O'Reilly thanked Colbert for his steadfast support, and declared the campaign officially vetted by Fox News Security. The oversized check was affectionately made out to "Baby Bear", a nod to Colbert's frequent referral to O'Reilly as "Papa Bear".

"I'm happy to support this refreshing, bipartisan campaign," stated O'Reilly, "we had a little bit of cash still sitting around after the settlement over the falafel incident, and I thought why not put it to good use."

The normally stoic Colbert was seen to tear up a bit and was momentarily speechless.  "I pledge to you, papa bear, that this campaign is going to go to Washington and to make that bed that all these politicians are laying in just right," Colbert finally said emotionally.

Colbert went on to say that the $50,000 would likely go towards a campaign bus, complete with wet bar and sleeping facilities. The cash-strapped Stewart/Colbert campaign had previously been relying on an abandoned General Motors EV-1 for transportation.

After the show, Colbert gleefully returned a microwave which he had stolen in jest from the ready room at Fox News Studios earlier in the evening after his appearance on O'Reilly's program. Fox security denied rumors that 1.5 million in cash traced to Republican National Campaign Headquarters had been found hidden in the microwave.

 

01/18/07 Microsoft to Sue Apple over I-Phone

Redmond, WA (APE) - Multibillionaire and founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, today announced that he is pursuing legal recourse against Apple Inc. in regards to their recent rollout of the iPhone. He stated that Microsoft would be pursuing an undisclosed sum in punitive damages from Apple, claiming that Microsoft was the victim of industrial espionage, and that the entire concept of the iPhone was stolen from them.

Gates then unveiled the zPhone, a multifunction cellular phone based upon Microsoft's Zune handheld multimedia platform. The Zune was released late last year as Microsoft's response to the popular and ever-expanding Apple iPod. Gates claimed that the zPhone would feature a mobile version of Microsoft's newest operating system, Windows Vista. He also stated that the revolutionary phone would be able to run and utilize an Apple operating system and software if the consumer so desired.

Gates refused to speculate as to how Apple accomplished the theft of his innovations, but stated lawyers for Microsoft felt that the decision to give away thousands of the Zune devices as a promotional gimmick may have had something to do with it. Gates maintained that Windows Vista would be released at the end of the month on schedule, and that Microsoft engineers were confident the theft of the zPhone did not represent a significant security threat to the overall operating system.

Apple founder Steve Jobs was reached for comment, and dismissed Microsoft's suit outright as ludicrous. "When you're number two and trying harder just doesn't seem to work, I guess you just cheat,"  stated Jobs.

 

 

01/18/07 Fitz Fired! Caught Up in Bush Administration US Attorney Purge

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Before jury selection in the I Lewis "Scooter" Libby trial could be completed early this morning, the staff of US Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald announced that he had been dismissed by the Bush Administration. Fitzgerald became the twelfth US Attorney to be suddenly dismissed by the Bush Administration in the last few weeks. The Bush Administration appeared to be taking advantage of a clause hidden within the Patriot Act which allowed the President to make indefinite interim appointments to the positions without going through congressional confirmation. California Senator Dianne Feinstein had complained on the senate floor on Tuesday, arguing that the recent dismissal of two California attorneys was politically motivated.

US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales expressed surprise and concern at the allegations of administration impropriety.  "I had a good talk with Patrick, and I am not at liberty to go into specifics," stated Gonzales, "but I can say that some small degree of burn-out might have been involved in his decision to step down. This in no way prohibits Scooter's case from going forward, and in fact we are anticipating a rapid resolution... I will be personally taking this one on to ensure that justice is done."

President Bush met with Libby in the Oval office early this morning in an attempt to diffuse controversy over the development. It was reportedly the first meeting between the two since Libby resigned over his role in the Valerie Plame affair. White House sources stated that the President assured Libby justice would be as swift as possible, and pardoned him for any inconvenience that Fitzgerald's dismissal had caused.

 

 

01/17/07 Doomsday Clock Goes Nuclear

Washington, DC (APE) - The doomsday clock, the symbolic timepiece maintained by the magazine, "The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" which monitors the theoretical threat of global nuclear catastrophe has been replaced by a fully functional high-tech atomic timepiece. A spokesperson for the magazine stated that the high-tech makeover was long overdue, and that the added functions of the new device should provide an even more powerful message to a computer savvy generation.

The group stated in a news release that the clock would be set at five minutes until midnight, or 11:55 p.m. representing an advance of two minutes progression towards nuclear disaster from the old symbolic analog clock. They speculated that the clock's automatic recalculation was more likely related to last-minute angry rhetoric from the Bush administration rather than any nuclear programs in Iran or North Korea.

"Many children can't even read a clock face, so the concept of advancing hands on a timepiece means very little to them. Today's faster paced generation tends to follow through with things at the last minute, so we've also added a feature that calculates doomsday to the split-second." stated the release.

The release goes on to claim that the new clock is fully functional, and automatically remains synchronized with International Atomic Time. Doomsday is also displayed and individually calculated for all time zones throughout the world. The timepiece also takes advantage of the Internet, coordinating with the computational power of millions of individual computers online to produce a theoretical date for Armageddon which is also displayed. The predicted ambient temperature for Ground Zero at the time of annihilation is also displayed alternately in both Fahrenheit and Celsius. The most recent up-to-the-minute calculation for doomsday appears to be Monday, February 26 of next month.

"We hope that this will be a stark reminder for a digital generation that has not known the fear of possible nuclear annihilation," stated an editor for the magazine. "We place all of our hope in the youth of the world. Right now they are probably the only ones who are capable of resetting  or reprogramming this thing."

 

01/16/07 Castro Accidentally Decapitated, Doctors Say Improving

Havana, Cuba (UPSI) - Spanish surgeon José Luis Garcia Sabrido today held a press conference with the severed yet apparently still alive head of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. The lifetime dictator was unable to speak but responded to questions from gathered reporters by blinking his eyes and moving his lips.  Sabrido admitted that Castro had been accidentally decapitated late yesterday by health care attendants who are attempting to reposition him in bed.  Sabrido insisted that the current situation was still only a minor setback in what he felt would be an eventual complete recovery by Cuba's legendary leader, and again stated that Castro did not have cancer.

The accidental decapitation apparently came as a result of a fourth surgical procedure late this weekend to attempt to address complications from three previous abdominal surgeries. While the Cuban government refuses to confirm the stories, most experts feel that Castro had been suffering from diverticulitis, and had undergone an initial corrective surgery which resulted in peritonitis.  Two subsequent surgeries including a controversial Chinese transplant procedure ultimately failed resulting in a last-ditch effort this weekend, in which part of Castro's esophagus was harvested in an attempt to repair his bowel.  Sabrido stated that this procedure had left Castro with a significantly weakened cervical area which contributed to the accidental decapitation late yesterday.

Castro was described as being in "serious but very stable condition".  The dictator and his body are being maintained with IV fluids, until  they gain some strength for a further anastomosis procedure that will be attempted next week. Through a series of eye blinks to reporters, Castro assured the people of Cuba that he was still completely in charge, and had faith in his doctors for his ultimate recovery.  Castro went on to say that a planned meeting with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez would continue as scheduled later this week.

 

01/15/07 Bush Announces Aggressive Iraqi Public Education Initiative

Washington, DC (APE) - Expanding on an appearance last night on CBS's 60 minutes, President Bush today announced that the administration would begin an aggressive campaign called "No Iraqi Left Behind", which is designed to educate Americans as to the importance of sticking with the administration's newly announced surge plan in Iraq. Bush stated yesterday in an interview with CBS's Scott Pelley that the role of president is ever changing and that sometimes you have to be, "the educator in chief".

In a press conference this morning, Bush proclaimed victory over the debate in regards to the course of action in Iraq, citing his critics' inability to come up with any better plan over the weekend. He then called on Congress to sign on board in a bipartisan manner with his newly unveiled "No Iraqi Left Behind" public educational legislation.

"Early this morning we reviewed the executions of Saddam co-defendants Barzan Ibrahim and Awad Hamed al-Bandar," stated Bush, " and while flawed by a technical decapitation, we found the hangings to be a vast improvement over that of Saddam Hussein. Iraqi justice is making slow and steady progress with our newly established educational benchmarks."

The president went on to explain that "No Iraqi Left Behind" would be an ongoing combined project between the Department of Homeland Security and Department of Defense. Its two-pronged goal will be to educate the American public as to the importance of keeping American servicemen in Iraq as well as educating the Iraqi government and population in regards to the importance for equal and swift justice. Funding for the project would would come from congressional funds set aside for special investigations and oversight, which have remained unused for the last six years. Citing the importance of an educated public, Bush stated that the funds would be reverted back into investigation and oversight as the public and Congress became more informed.

With a nod towards the late Martin Luther King Jr., President Bush concluded by saying, "I have a dream where all of Allah's children, Sunis and Shias are equal, and beholden to a swift American and democratic style of justice. Then we will all be able to say, free at last, free at last... Hot damn! We're free at last!"

 

01/12/06 Tearful Bush Recognizes Air Force Sergeant's Sacrifice with Medal

Washington, DC (Rotters) - In a quiet ceremony today, President Bush recognized the efforts of Air Force Staff Sergeant Michelle Manhart with a Medal of Freedom. Manhart will be appearing in the February issue of Playboy magazine due to hit newsstands this week.  The magazine features a partially clothed as well as completely nude picture of Manhart in a feature article entitled "Tough Love".  As a result of the controversial spread, Manhart has been relieved of her duties at Lackland Air Force Base.

A tearful Bush apologized for the heavy-handed response of Manhart's superiors and promised to make sure she was reinstated as the behavior of the commanding officer in question was investigated.

"I've spoken to a lot of our fine young men who are now serving their third and fourth tours in Iraq," stated Bush.  "The number one thing that virtually all of them have said that they enjoy the most in care packages from home is pornography. Sergeant Manhart has made a real personal sacrifice that should not go unrecognized, and my resolve has stiffened thanks to her."

Manhart, a mother with two children, has been in the Air Force since 1994, and has actually spent time in the Middle East theater, serving in Kuwait in 2002. Under the president's recent announcement of a troop surge of 21,000, Pentagon sources stated that there was a high likelihood of Manhart's deployment to Iraq.

"Tough love is a fairly nice description of this administration's new way forward in Iraq, as we attempt to get the Iraqi leadership to stop jerking around,"  concluded Bush. "Sergeant Manhart is a touchstone for the freedom and American values we are attempting to foster in a new, more democratic middle east. I hope that she will serve as an example of the sacrifices that we are asking of everyone in America."

 

01/11/07 Bush Declares War on Iran

Washington, DC (APE) - With a strong show of bi-partisan support from Joe Lieberman and the Connecticut for Lieberman party, President Bush early this morning announced that a de-facto state of war now exists between Iran and the Iraqi coalition forces. An Iranian consulate in the northern Iraqi town of Irbil was raided by US forces at approximately 3AM local time practically as the president was outlining his "New Way Forward" in Iraq to the American People in a nationally televised address. Iranian personnel as well as computers and papers have been reportedly seized, but the Pentagon and the White House refused further comment on the incident, citing national security concerns.

"If any mistakes are made from this point on, they won't be my fault." Bush insisted.

Bush and Lieberman went on to emphasize the importance of the planned deployment of the patriot antimissile system to address the threat from Iran's R-27 and Shaab missile systems. The battle tested and hardened patriot system was credited in 2003 with the downing of a US Navy pilot.

Depending upon an investigation of the seized paperwork and computers, Bush went on to state that the next likely series of events would include strategic nuclear strikes launched from US aircraft carrier assets in the Persian Gulf, which would be designed to wipe out Iran's controversial nuclear enrichment facilities.

"We certainly hope this answers the criticisms from fatalistic defeatists who would claim that a surge of 21,000 troops is not enough," stated Lieberman. "We have essentially 'doubled down' with the very future of our country at stake." Lieberman then turned to Bush and gave him a kiss and a hug in a decidedly emotional display.

The news of the declaration of a state of war caught Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid somewhat flat-footed as they attempted to respond to the president's announced plans for a troop surge in Iraq last night. "Shock and awe, is all I can say," stated Pelosi.

 

01/10/07 Silly Wanker and the Victory Factory

Click  Here to visit the Victory Factory!

 

01/09/07 Gates Announces Collaboration with Toyota on Operating System

Las Vegas, NV (Rotters) -  In an opening address at Las Vegas' popular yearly CES (Consumer Electronics Show), Microsoft's Bill Gates announced a collaboration with Toyota of Japan rivaling the previously announced partnership with Ford US over an automobile operating system. In an exclusive deal, the moderately popular economy car, the Toyota Scion Xb, will now be marketed as the Scion Xbox 360. With enhanced USB-2 and wireless networking connectivity, as well as newly engineered features, Microsoft and Toyota hope to breathe new life and popularity into the controversial box shaped car.

Toyota engineers will be unveiling the revolutionary new front wheel drive/steering mechanism which will enable the Xbox 360 to literally turn on a dime.

The Scion Xbox 360 will also feature USB connectivity which will allow owners to utilize Microsoft's new driving game controls for the Xbox 360 and to "plug and play" and replace the controls that come with the car. Small-scale widescreen format LCD screens flip down on the passenger and driver side sun visors which will allow instant game connectivity in real driving time for Xbox 360 platinum subscribers. Commuters will be able to diffuse potentially dangerous road rage with an invigorating game of Halo 2 while stalled in traffic.

Gates predicted that with growing broadband wireless connectivity the new Windows-based operating system proposed for Ford Motor Company should seamlessly interface with Toyota's Xbox 360 rollout. Utilizing existing global positioning software and devices, subscribers to either service would be able to know the location of and be able to chat with other members who would be represented in real-time heads-up displays by avatars that they have uploaded to the system.

Both Ford and Toyota will seek to take advantage of Microsoft's proposed increased connectivity with continual updates to their vehicles' computer systems for security and warranty concerns. Driver data would be continually uploaded to the manufacturer in order to reward owners who adhered to vehicle guidelines, while warranties would be adjusted in real-time for those who refused to comply with recommended maintenance.

 

port01/05/07 Al-Qaeda Number Two Urges Surge in Somalia

Cairo, Egypt (Algaezebra) - In an exclusive interview today, Algaezebra videotaped a message from Egyptian born Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayaman al-Zawahiri. In a brief respite from the Jihad against the anti-Muslim crusaders, Zawahiri was meeting with friends and family in Egypt.

Zawahiri stressed to reporters that Al Qaeda remained powerful and united, despite its recent setback in the Somali capital of Mogadishu.

Zawahiri spoke to reporters just prior to teeing off on the 13th hole of an undisclosed golf course in Cairo.

"I call upon the Muslim nation in Somalia to return to the new battlefield that is one of the Crusader battlefields that are being launched by America and its allies against Islam and Muslims," al-Zawahiri said. "Sacrifice is the key, launch yourselves at them and be consumed as prey that is eaten by lions. We must meet the Americans surge for surge. Now, watch this drive, Allah be praised."

Zawahiri then calmly sank a hole-in-one on the par three 230 yard hole.

 

01/04/07 Cash Dropped on Democratic Bound Republicans in Washington

Washington, DC (APE) - Oil executives, lobbyists, and campaigners are racing to provide cash and other essentials to hundreds of stranded Republicans in the new Democratic covered Capitol building.

The Maryland National Guard resumed dropping bales of cash from the air early Thursday morning, and began trucking in funding to Republicans in the growing number of back offices that have been cleared of Democrats.

Reports of a growing storm about to hit the nation's capital have left lobbyists and special interest groups scrambling to provide for their herds. There is no estimate yet on how many careers may die in Washington.  "We think there are probably 30,000 out there at risk, that we're having to make sure that we feed."  Stated Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman, a longtime Washington rancher whose business will likely not survive the coming storm.

Republicans were already spread too thickly across the region, taking advantage of excessive funding and cash prior to a drought which seemed to set in around early November.  With the growing storm predicted to begin sometime early today and lasting over 100 hours or more, some Washington forecasters are predicting an unprecedented disaster.

K. Streeters rode with pilots to spot Republicans in need. One cash drop left drifts as high as 10 feet yesterday and crews had to use a front-end loader to scoop out the cash that had proven too much for the stranded Republican.

"We can understand peoples frustrations that we may not have been able to reach their representatives yet," Mehlman stated. "we are working diligently to reach as many Republicans as we can."

Crews dropping cash bales from military helicopters and a C-130 cargo plane are mostly seeing focus groups of 5 or 10 rather than 30 or more, Mehlman said.  "They have to be careful to drop the cash close enough to the representatives so that they don't have to venture too far out into the light of day and also try not to scare them."

One Texas-based multinational oil conglomerate stated that he had lost 300 head out of about 450 herd that he'd previously maintained. While continued tax cuts would help to maintain his company's solvency, he feared insurance would not cover his losses which he estimated at over $450 billion.

US Representative John Boehner (R -OH) a beneficiary of the airdrop was working on legislation to be introduced in the midst of today's anticipated storm, to have the entire capital declared as a disaster area and open for further relief funding.

 

 

01/03/06 Stewart/Colbert '08 Campaign Denies Releasing Giuliani Playbook

Washington, DC (UPSI) - Aides to 2008 presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani today leveled accusations at the fledgling bipartisan Stewart/Colbert campaign in regards to the recent theft and publication of Giuliani's 140 page 2008 presidential campaign playbook. Initially they had proposed that the document was covertly stolen by airport baggage handlers and photocopied by tricksters for another campaign, but they today produced photographic evidence showing Jon Stewart in possession of the disputed documents at a Giuliani press conference in New York, hours before the former mayor had left for the airport. The playbook in its entirety was subsequently released anonymously to the press, with many feeling that the revelations might ultimately be proven fatal to Giuliani's run for the presidency.

The Stewart/Colbert '08 campaign arranged for an exclusive interview for UPSI with the two candidates, in which they vehemently denied culpability.

"We're standing there for a photo op," stated presidential hopeful Jon Stewart, "and then Rudy suddenly hands me this bag, and says "Here, hold this while I straighten my tie.". What am I supposed to do? Here's the former mayor of New York City asking for a little favor... I guess he just forgot about the bag after a few pictures and some more talking. That sucker was heavy... and I got tired of holding it after a few minutes. I remember thinking, what in the heck does he have in here, a dictionary... or maybe his entire plans for capturing the presidency...?  Nah...  Stephen was standing there so I just gave it to him and followed Rudy over to the wet bar for another gin and tonic."

Vice presidential hopeful Stephen Colbert then continued the account: "I'm standing here holding the man of... no... the God of 9/11's briefcase, and I'm just in awe. Then I looked down, and I see that it's open. I'm thinking, do I contact Homeland security and risk embarrassing Rudy or just take care of the situation myself.  So while I'm trying to close and lock up the briefcase some old papers with a lot of marginal scribbling fall out.  They don't look like anything important and I remember that I need to bring home paper for baby Steven's cage.  So I stuck them in my coat pocket. A few minutes later I'm feeling a little guilty about it so I ducked into a side room at the hotel and just made a few copies to use for baby Stephen, and I put the originals back and tracked down one of Rudy's aides and gave the case to him. What happened after that, I have no knowledge.  If Rudy has been stabbed in the back by some disgruntled campaign worker, I really feel for him.  No way would any of baby Steven's handlers try to parlay any of his cage liners."

The Giuliani campaign announced that they are exploring all options to resolve the matter, and have not ruled out the possibility of suing Comedy Central and the Stewart/Colbert campaign for the $100 million lump sum that they had hoped to raise this year.

In a related story, rumors have surfaced that New Jersey mega-fundraiser Lew Eisenberg and Larry Bathgate, as well as FedEx CEO Fred Smith, reportedly mentioned in the Giuliani playbook, may be abandoning John McCain and signing on with the bipartisan Stewart/Colbert campaign.