I’ve read about numerous faux-pas lately from the Republicans trying to come up with a popular song and artist to inspire the President’s re-election campaign. They’ve been turned down outright by some pretty hefty names with good songs.

I got to thinking that maybe I could help out a little. I was inspired by one of those bumper stickers you see around with a picture of Mr. Bush and Mr. Reagan wearing cowboy hats and the caption reads, “All of my Role Models are Cowboys”.

The first song that leapt into my mind was an old classic that lots of artists have covered, but was done first and most famously by Bing Crosby. The song’s called “I’m an Old Cowhand” and was written by Johnny Mercer in 1936. Actually, the song in and of itself is pretty fitting, and would suffice. However, I extend my sincere apologies to Johnny Mercer, as I took the liberty of updating and rewriting the lyrics for Mr. Bush.

I think this would be perfect for the Republicans, as it touches on all their talking points; business, family values, and national security. Also, unlike the other artists they’ve tried to enlist, both Johnny Mercer and Bing Crosby are dead and can’t really object very strenuously…

Presented for consideration:

I’m a New Cowhand (sung to the tune of “I’m an Old Cowhand”)

 By The Dood

I’m a new cowhand, bought some Texas land

Now my name is Dub

And I’m a Bidness fan

I’m a cowboy President invadin’ Iraq

‘Cause I never sank a well paid a red cent back

And Daddy’s always steppin’ in to take up the slack

Votin’ for me to stay

It’s the Haleyburton way

I went an’ got Saddam, ‘fore he made a bomb

Gonna’ teach Islam, ‘bout the second Psalm

Been workin’ on freedom for them Muslim hands

Been smokin’ out them clerical firebrands

Been prayin’ hard Bin-Laden and Al-Qaeda disbands

Votin’ for me to stay

Makes the trrrists go away

I walk and talk with God on my Lone Star sod

“Why spare the child

When you spoil your rod?”

I live by the Word every day of my life

I always look to Jesus when I’m feelin’ strife

He helped me stop drinkin’ and a beatin’ my wife

Votin’ for me to stay

Yippee-yi-yo-Yahweh

I’m a new cowhand

(“Oh yes, Mr. Bush!”)

(“Too hot for you, Uncle Cheney?”)

Bought some Texas land

And I’m a workin’ man

So’s I don’t get canned

The fundin’ bills I really left unsigned

Four more years in a funanchul bind

I pledge to you, “No Chulren left behind!”

I make the deficit go away

To be a Pioneer ya gotta’ show some scratch

Two hundred fifty grand, you’re in the shootin’ match

But look at all the Bidness that you can snatch!

Votin’ for me to stay

Rootin’ Tootin’ Tom DeLay

Git along little librul!

Git along little librul!

Votin for me to stay, Yee-Haah!